Elizabeth Krueger, mother of 10, and author of Raising Godly Tomatoes, is also a horse owner. She recently shared some great thoughts about training horses to recognize a rightful authority and how it can be similar with children.
I thought Elizabeth’s observations were extremely insightful and she graciously agreed to let me share them here:
I have two horses. One is confident and trustworthy and I always feel safe riding him, while the other is nervous and spooks about 10 times every time I ride him. So…. in my efforts to cure the spooky one’s spooking problem, I’ve been reading everything I can get my hands on regarding bombproofing horses.
Well, I stumbled across some material written by a guy named Marv Walker and it really struck me as not only being a step in the right direction for the spooky horse, but also a good picture of how children operate.
Here’s the story: Marv explains that horses, whenever they meet, are only interested in one thing: Who is higher than who in the herd pecking order. So that’s the first thing they work out and once they determine who is the leader and who is the follower, they happily either lead or follow.
Now when I read that, I thought about how God designed the family and how children are designed to be UNDER the authority of their parents and how they too, test and rebel until they find out who is in authority (who is higher in the herd/family pecking order).
Now rightfully, parents ought to be in authority (higher in the pecking order) over their children and humans ought to be higher than their horses. If things are the other way around, there’s trouble. In the case of horses, a person could get hurt. In the case of children, their lives could be ruined.
Anyway, ol’ Marv had an answer that rang true. Marv said to simply establish with your horse that YOU are higher than he is in the pecking order. You are his rightful authority. Once the horse is convinced of that (believes that), then many of the problems you would otherwise have with him, will disappear.
Spooking, for example, will be greatly lessened. Why? Because the horse, recognizing you as his leader, will naturally trust you to make wise judgments for him, just as he would trust the judgment of another horse who is higher than he is, in the herd. (If you want a horse to cross a scary creek, for example, everyone knows that although he might be afraid to cross on his own, he will almost certainly follow another horse across the same creek without any concern at all.)
I hope you are still with me.
Now if a horse gains contentment and confidence when he knows he is the follower, so a child will become happy and content once he knows he is the follower in the parent/child relationship. Both a horse and a child will become more obedient and less rebellious, as soon as they understand and accept their role as being UNDER a kind and just authority.
So how does Marv get his horses to understand that he is the boss, not them? All he does is start with an individual horse and ask him to do something simple, that he knows he can make the horse do. Like make him move when he’d rather stand still. Or make him stop, or turn when he’d rather go on, or go straight. That’s it. The horse may test and protest, but as soon as he figures out that he can’t change Marv’s mind and that he must obey him, the horse accepts him as his leader and “bonds” with him, quickly (usually in less than an hour) becoming very closely attached to him and far more easy to handle in every way.
(My non-spooky horse, I believe, has bonded to me already, in this way. Not sure the spooky one has.)
And so it is with children. As soon as they become convinced that you are their rightful authority, they will become much happier and more cooperative overall, and will stop virtually all testing and rebelling and will become closer to you.
How to convince them? Do just as Marv does: See that they obey in whatever you tell them. Start with something you know you can make them obey in, and require them to obey. Repeat, repeat with each thing that comes up, until they are convinced that they must submit to you always.
No need to be harsh, by the way. Marv never even touches his horses when he does this. He doesn’t whip them (unless they were to attack him of course), or even try to wear them out. He just indicates to them what he wants them to do (something simple like “go”) and then keeps them moving until he says to stop, repeat, repeat, requiring them to obey him completely, rather than do their own thing. He says he usually succeeds in convincing them that he is their rightful authority in an hour or less. Children might take longer or not depending on the child.
Anyway, I hope you all could follow what I was saying. I found the parallel very interesting.
———–
Follow-up: Today I rode the horse that I feel is “bonded to me”. I don’t know when that happened, I did not put him through any special bonding exercise, but yet he seems to trust me and recognize me as his leader. To ensure that things stay this way, I always make sure he obeys when I ask him for something, and I make sure I only ask him for things he can do.But, although he is obedient to me, that doesn’t mean he is that way for everyone.
Here’s an example: The other day when I had my 14yo son go get him out of the pasture, he let my son walk up fairly close to him then said, “Nope, I don’t respect him, I don’t even know him, I’m out of here”, and trotted off. From the sidelines, I quietly coached my son on how to calmly get his respect, but since my son was new at this and not used to horse body language, he was giving the horse the message, “I don’t know what I’m doing”, and the horse just kept walking away from him when he’d get close. I kept telling my son, “If he starts to move away from you, TELL him (via body language) to move, and keep him moving until he turns and looks at you (saying, “Wow, this guy won’t give up, maybe I better start respecting him”)”. Well, since my son was inexperienced, my horse “Leo” eventually began respecting him even LESS and would walk a little ways away then start grazing (“Hah! you don’t scare me at all”).
So I decided to step in and show my son how to “keep him moving”. I was 30 feet at least, away from Leo, but as soon as I picked up the lead rope and swung it gentle in a circle by my side as I walked casually toward his hip, Leo’s head flew up and he brisked trotted a short distance then turned and walk AROUND MY SON and quickly up to ME! He still didn’t respect my son, but he sure showed that he respected ME! LOL!
BUT WHAT ABOUT IF THEY TEST YOU?
In my opinion, if you want to end “testing” in a younger child, usually all you have to do is “be consistent”. Stop the little things every time. Now with an older child I would also add “be sure to be just, kind and not a hypocrite.”
None of my middles or teens EVER tested me. Not once. Sure, they did a few dumb things and made mistakes, and they needed to learn good habits and character and wisdom, but they never “tested” me, as in “seriously tried to get away with something”. We were on the same side. They trusted us even if they wanted to do something we said no to.
I’m told that many horses never test either, once they respect you. I don’t think my Leo ever has. As long as he knows what I want he will try to do it. I don’t ask for things that are emotionally or physically or mentally too much for him. I wouldn’t do that with a child either but they are smarter and so I expect more than from a horse.
A NOTE ON MAINTENANCE
I’m not a perfect rider, but since Leo seems to believe that I am his rightful authority in general, he still respects and obeys me even if I make mistakes here and there. If I send mixed signals that confuse him, he thinks to himself, “Hmm, what was that? I must have messed up somewhere. I’ll wait for her to explain it to me again.” He is very generous in taking the blame for everything, and he keeps trying to please.
Now, despite his good disposition, if I were repeatedly unfair or unkind to him, he would eventually say, “I’ve had enough of this, maybe she’s not my leader after all. Maybe I ought to do the leading.” At that point he’d throw a fit and I’d be in big trouble.
I think it’s the same with children. Once we earn our children’s respect (by consistently requiring obedience), we can usually keep it despite occasional mistakes here and there on our part. Children are very forgiving. BUT, if we constantly send them mixed signals, they will eventually start wondering if maybe we aren’t really their rightful authority. And if we are repeatedly unkind or unfair, they will almost surely rebel.
Great thoughts here, yes? The last paragraph was a very convicting reminder for me, as we move toward the teen years.
What part(s) of this is striking/convicting for you?
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Tagged authority, childrearing, children, discipline, obedience 
If you are one who:
- loves Christ,
- desires to see people come to worship and know Him,
- and longs to find her purpose in the world,
Let me commend to you the role of mother.
If you are a young woman who:
- has been told all the horrors and sob stories of colic and tantrums
- and have somehow missed hearing about the joy of raising up interesting, unique individual men and women who will know and serve God,
Let me commend to you the role of mother.
If you are a gal of the post-feminist era, who:
- was told you could “be anything you wanted to be”
- but never had it be hinted that that “anything” might include being “everything” to some little people,
Let me commend to you the role of mother.
If you are a lady who:
- wants to change the world and make it a better place,
- desires to deeply impact people,
- wants to help others to overcome difficulties and find their strengths and God-given abilities, so that they might in turn serve God
- desires to contribute to this glorious world in a weighty and eternal manner
Let me commend to you the role of mother.
MOTHERS CHANGE THE WORLD:
- …by impacting lives, day-in, day out-for 18+ years, more time than any professor or doctor or preacher or counselor will ever be able to have in the lives of the people they seek to impact.
- …by studying and knowing their children so that they can train, counsel, and encourage them as they grow towards adulthood
- …by connecting deeply with their children in ways that are virtually impossible with the world at large.
- …by loving and being loved in a way that is entirely distinct from any other sort of relationship.
- …through giftedness, careers, and talents that they themselves do not possess, as they spur on and encourage their children to find their God-given place of service.
- …by teaching, training, sharpening, shaping, and guiding their children in ways that will forever alter human history.
- …by praying with intimate understanding for the hearts and lives of people from the very beginning of their existence.
- … by accepting this purposeful career designed by God Himself, with His assistance and leadership guaranteed throughout.
- …by watching, helping, and encouraging the man they love grow into a man who loves in ways that were unseen and unknown before he became a father.
- …by submitting to a God-given life with sanctification built-in by the requirements of hard work, selflessness, disappointment, perseverance, patience, grace, self-control, and a continual seeking of wisdom from above.
- …by working hand-in-hand with God Almighty and the husband He has given to mold future adults.
I am not saying this is the only way– but I am absolutely saying that it is an awesome and God-designed way, for women to yield to their Maker by welcoming with joy and with great sober responsibility the blessing and gracious gift of children into their hearts, lives, and wombs.
Nearly thirteen years in, God continues to do big things in my heart and life and draw me closer to Himself through this role of mother, and I would be a foolish woman indeed if I did not speak highly to you of this beautiful means of sanctification that God has given to women: the disciple-making, world-changing, heart-molding role of mother.
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Tagged heart change, mom, motherhood, mothering, womanhood, Young woman, Younger women 
One of the things I was at least mildly concerned about at first, in regard to having a big family, was the common observation that in a large family, the younger children often grow up in a quite different way from how the older children were raised.
Accusations sometimes go along these lines:
- You were so strict with us! Now he gets away with everything!
- We never got our (phone/car/insurance) paid for! You guys have softened up!
- We weren’t allowed to watch that movie! You are so lax now!!
And here are my observations:
Sometimes it’s true. Sometimes, on moral issues, I’ve seen large families relax against rules that used to be ultra-firm. There could be many reasons for that:
- Mom & Dad may realize their rules were too strict, and so they’ve found, or are finding, a place of balance.
- It may be a practical issue. It’s easier to keep your 4-year-old from ever seeing anything besides VeggieTales, Bob the Builder, and Little House on the Prairie, when he’s your oldest, than it is when he’s you’re youngest and you’re also in a home with preteens, teens, and young adults who want to watch, well, more than these limited options.
- It could be sin/laziness. Perhaps the parents really have let out the reins too loosely, and aren’t being as purposeful with this child as they were with their older children.
Sometimes, though, things are different because they’re just different.
- Parents change over time. Sometimes we forget it (especially about our own parents), but parents are people too. They grow, they change, their priorities adjust.
- Families change over time. As a family goes through different seasons, the dynamics change. The relationships change.
- Environment changes over time. Maybe the church you’re a part of grows, or grows smaller. Family members move closer, or move away. Or you move into a new community.
Sometimes it’s the opposite from this:
I’ve seen SOME large families who were not believers when their older children were younger, become believers, and the situation is completely the opposite of this– they’re trying to shore up and combat weaknesses in how they raised their older children, while raising their younger children with greater intentionality and protection.
But, honestly? CHANGE IS INEVITABLE.
The main thing I want to communicate about this tendency to want things to be the same for both older and younger children is this:
In a large family, where children are being raised over the course of 3 or even 4 decades, I think it is pretty much IMPOSSIBLE to make it so that everything is the same for younger children as it was for older children. We simply can’t do it.
- Financially, things change over time.
- Spiritually, parents should be growing more mature and discerning over time.
- Physically, we grow more tired over time.
- Emotionally, we should grow wiser over time.
It is impossible for a large family to look the same for younger children as it did for older children because it is not the same family. It doesn’t have the same children. And it doesn’t have the same parents. The family has grown in number and in age; the parents have grown in their own ways.
A PERSONAL OBSERVATION, 12+ YEARS IN:
12 years ago, I spent every day, all day, with my sweet, 8-month-old, chubby, curious, crawling, nearly-walking, homemade-baby-food eating, sign-language using, Ethan. He had blanket time twice a day, and learned to self-entertain while I did things (like painting rooms for fun, and making his baby food) around the house.
We happily spent our days, just the two of us, together.
I recently had our 7th baby, Luke. And guess what his first year won’t look like? (^^^^^THAT description up there!) Oh, I’ll still make his baby food (it’s cheaper & I like it), and he’ll eventually learn some useful words in sign-language.
But his life will not look like all day, every day, alone with me.
WONDERFUL IN A DIFFERENT WAY
You know what, though?
While he has an older, more tired, more busy mama, little Luke also has:
- Eight adoring people in his life (seven of whom are with him all day, day in, day out) who notice all his changes and specialness.
- Siblings at the ready, eager to hold him, eager to bring diapers, eager for him to start crawling so they can set out toys for him to crawl toward.
- More people in his daily life, to watch and learn from, in a way that Ethan, 12 years ago, did not have.
Ethan’s time with me, and my time with him, was something special and unique. And Luke’s time with me, and my time with him, is special and unique in a different way.
Both are good. Neither is “better”… and thankfully, because I know and trust our sovereign Lord, and His goodness, I am confident that GOD will incredibly use my strengths and weaknesses, and the strengths and weaknesses of the season of our family that they were each raised in, for their good and for God’s glory!
MY ANSWER?
So, in short, my answer is this: there is ZERO chance that a younger child growing up in a large family will have the exact same experience as an older child.
It’s just impossible.
And God can use those differences in wonderful ways in the lives of our children.
WHAT IS MY FOCUS, AS MOM?
Sometimes I notice that I’ve become lazy in a particular thing with my younger children.
One recent example is that I used to be so PURPOSEFUL in playing scripture songs and Bible stories aloud during the day while my little ones played in the late morning/afternoon. As I pondered that, I realized that I’m now schooling older children and noise can be a true distraction for them. Our routines are different now than they were when I only had little ones and was home educating no one.
Nonetheless, I’ve started (as I’m able) playing the audioBible & BIble stories more intentionally. It’s not as often as it was with my older children, but it’s still better than a complete lack of it like was the case a few months ago.
Again, there’s no way for me to make it the SAME as it was for them, but I can still be purposeful.
The main thing I want to do as a mom of a large family is make sure that the things that change about our family are purposeful, and not due to sin, laziness, or neglect.
- Do you see this tendency in your life/family?
- How do you combat the slide into laziness, sin, or neglect?
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Tagged Grow on purpose, large family, large family concerns, large family questions, older kids, younger kids 
Last week, I had baby #7, and 7 babies in, I can say this: newborns are AMAZING. Each and every one.
Here are some of the things I love, in no particular order:
- How they smell.
- The way they punch themselves in the face with both fists when they sneeze.
- Their little noises— coos, sighs, satisfied grunts while nursing– even their pathetic cries are endearing!
- How tiny their bottoms are. (Luke was 9 pounds, 8 ounces, and his bottom is still *shockingly* teeny-tiny.)
- Their sweet helplessness.
- How big their eyes get when you go from a well-lit place to a dark one.
- The funny way their limbs jerk around in random motions.
- How ravenous and starving they seem, every time it’s time to start nursing… even if it’s been less than an hour since the last time they ate!
- The pinky toenail of a newborn is the smallest toenail you’ve ever seen in your life.
- How satisfied they are once mom’s milk comes in.
- The startle reflex (we always say “Praise the Lord!” when they do that)
- How snuggleable they are– whether in a sling or bunched up on my chest.
- Their laborious breathing when deeply sleeping, heaving each one as if breathing itself takes massive amounts of work.
- Cute. Outfits. (even if they do go through several, from poop, pee, and spit-up accidents in the last 20 minutes before you leave for church!)
- The intensity of their stares— there is no one on earth more easy to stare at, with less awkwardness, and more joy, than a precious new baby.
- Their delicate fingers… how precious to have them wrapped around one of mine!
- The increase in God-awe I experience as a mama when I think through all the scientific details God has arranged in order to intersect this particular little life with ours… our marriage, the mixing of cells to create his unique DNA, the placenta, cord blood, vernix, milk ducts, oxytocin released to bring about contractions… whether seen in the macro- or micro- view, the realities of how God makes new people is miraculous and stunning.
- The way they force me to be weak and acknowledge my needs.
- How their presence affects my older children— bringing about a new gentleness, questions I’d never have thought of, and protective feelings of love toward their new sibling.
- How their presence affects my toddlers & preschoolers— helping them to feel older and bigger and protective toward someone smaller.
- Gassy smiles. OK, so they’re not real smiles… not yet… but they’re still adorable!
- The way each newborn reminds me that each of my older children was this needy, and this precious to me. It helps me to see my older kiddos as still-needy, God-given individual souls, rather than with labels or through frustrated-mom-eyes.
- How the postpartum season they usher in provides Doug & I with opportunities for softer, gentler ways to serve and see each other.
- Incredibly soft skin. It’s utterly nuzzleable! The cheeks… the back of the neck… the top of the hand…
- The way they provide an opportunity for the Body of Christ to serve and bless one another (through prayers, meals, gifts, advice, encouragement).
- For the lessons they point to— that we all start out weak, the joy of new life—-> the joy of new life in Christ; the way we help those who are weak, etc.
- The way they teach us to selflessly give for the benefit of another, and count it as joy.
- How they bring out softness from everyone around them… old gruff men turn into puddles, snarky teenagers can’t help but smile… newborns are simply endearing.
- Their precious noses.
- How they put stupid things in their proper place. Once you have a newborn keeping you up at night, it becomes crystal clear how much time you’ve wasted clicking on unnecessary and time-consuming videos on Facebook, for example.
- Seeing how their hair growth patterns swirl and trying to guess where they’ll have cowlicks.
- The way they are each undeniable evidence of God’s creativity in each human He makes.
- The way they join right in, from day one, losing socks and contributing to the pile of unmatched socks like everyone else in the family.
- The slow pace of life that arrives with them. Everything in our home slows down. Everything in our schedule slows down. Everyone around us slows down, for these few days and weeks, taking a few extra moments of awe and wonder at the newness of this little life.
- Hearing loud digestive noises will never make you happier than when you’re a breastfeeding mom!
- How their frantic desire to eat reminds me of what my hunger and thirst for God’s Word should be like, challenging me to never give into a feeling that I’ve “arrived” or no longer need my Heavenly Father.
- Body hair in random places— who knew that furry shoulder blades or fuzzy ankles could be so cute?
- A new. eternal. soul. — what an amazing gift & responsibility from God!
- The way they look like Rocky at the top of the steps when they yawn & stretch out their fists.
- The way they show you how instantly and easily love can multiply. One day, you don’t know what he/she looks like, and the next day they come out and you LOVE them. One day, you’re looking at your first child and wondering how you could ever love someone as much as you love him/her, and the next day, you don’t have to ask; you know.
- Breastfeeding them gives us mamas extra calories to enjoy each day.
- So. many. wrinkles.
- Puckered lips, bright red lips, trembling lips, peeling lips (from nursing the first couple days), wide-open lips (while sleeping), pouty lips. Precious TINY baby lips.
- The way they show you the ferocity with which you can love. One day you’re tired and pregnant and just. ready. to have. that. baby. A few weeks later, you’d stand up bravely and go nuts on any ninja warrior who dared come close to try and hurt them.
- Their tricky diaper ways. High-capacity liquid sounds seem like the diaper is going to be monumentally full, and you open it up, and there’s the tiniest little yellow smudge. Then, you hear nothing, and they’ve somehow had a blowout that rivals Mount St. Helens. Newborns keep you on your toes.
- How they remind us of the limits of our humanity & need for rest. It is GOOD for us to recognize that we are not infinitely strong, personally capable, and always able to do everything we ever want to do. Soberly recognizing our limitations and weakness is an incredible gift God gives us during this season with an infant.
- The way they show us the amazing things God can do through us! Though we are weak humans, He uses us as women to do something no man can do… bring new souls into the world! What an incredible gift it is to be a part of such a miracle!
- The furious (and hilarious!) way they shake their little heads trying to latch on to anything nearby when hungry. Doesn’t matter if it’s Daddy’s sweater, big brother’s arm, or mama’s chin… it’s all potential “food” to the undiscerning newborn.
- How they link us to and remind us of the generations that have come before us. When you or I have a baby, we have the opportunity to remember. I was this way. My great-grandfather was this way. Mary delivered Jesus and felt the amazement of motherhood. Noah’s sons were once tiny like this. When Eve held her newborn son, she remembered the Lord and His help to grant her such a precious gift.
- The way snuggling them provides a great excuse to sit still and admire God’s creative work, close-up.
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Tagged baby, mom, motherhood, newborn, Pregnancy 
When prompted to think of “the Proverbs Woman”, anyone who has read a handful of books, skimmed a few blogs, or heard a sermon or two aimed at Christian women will automatically call to mind the Proverbs 31 woman. Land investor, wise guru, accomplished seamstress, careful shopper, generous philanthropist, and dependable wife and mother all rolled into one, she’s perhaps the most referred to biblical “example” for Christian women.
But I don’t want to talk about her today.
It’s a different woman of Proverbs I want to talk about…
“The Forbidden Woman”
Proverbs spends a lot of time talking about this “forbidden” (sometimes translated “strange” or “foreign”) woman. Much of the text is aimed at imploring the author’s son not to visit or be hoodwinked by her. But there are things we, as women who want to honor God, can learn from this woman.
Like the TV show that used to tell us, “What Not to Wear”, we can look at this negative example in God’s Word to see “what not to be”.
It is easy to look at negative examples in Scripture and link them to “that woman three rows up every Sunday who wears tight clothes and distracts all the men during worship” or “those young barely-clad strumpets at the mall.” But we can’t much do anything about those other women… however, we CAN “ponder the path of our feet” as Proverbs 4 instructs us to do.
We CAN look to this example and learn something for our own selves.
Traits of the Forbidden Woman:
(All references are taken from Proverbs.)
- Her lips and speech seem smooth and sweet, like oil or honey (2:16, 5:3)
- She forsakes the companion of her youth (2:17)
- She forgets her covenant with God (2:17)
- Her final destination is bitterness (5:4)
- She’s as sharp and dangerous as a sword (5:4)
- She’s on the path towards death and hell (2:18, 5:5)
- She does not ponder the path of life (5:6)
- Her ways wander and she doesn’t even know it. (5:6)
- She takes from the honor and labor of strangers (5:9-10, 23:28)
- She’s like a deep pit that you fall into and can’t escape from (22:14, 23:27)
- She increases sin among mankind (22:28)
There are many things we can learn from this.
I’d like to propose a few self-examining questions we could think through as we consider this passage:
- When speaking with married men, do I speak and carry myself carefully, in ways that will not be enticing or tempting?
- Have I forsaken the companion of my youth? Am I growing in love or in annoyance towards my husband? Do my actions and words towards my husband give encouragement and support, or are my words discouraging and quarrelsome?
- Have I forgotten my covenant with God? (This question assumes that we are in covenant with God. If you are not sure on that point, click here and consider this.) Do I forget my Lord as I go through my days and weeks? Is my life still being changed by God?
- Do my decisions and attitudes lead me on the path towards bitterness? Am I quick to forgive, or do I hold onto grudges? Am I working towards contentment in all things or would it be more accurate to say that I actively seek things to gripe about?
- Are my words sharp like swords? Do people feel lanced and bruised after being around me, or do I speak life-giving words?
- Do I ponder the path of my feet? Do I consider where I’ve been, where I am, and where I’m headed? Do I live thoughtfully and intentionally? (Some Proverbs to consider and pray through: 3:6, 3:17, 3:21-23, 4:11, 4:14, 4:18, 4:25-27)
- Am I wandering, and have I looked closely enough at my life to recognize it if I were? If my life was an airplane, and Christlikeness, wisdom, and Heaven were my ultimate destination, am I headed in the right direction, or do I need a mid-course correction? Is my life more influenced by TV personalities or by Christ? Am I more likely to make a change in my life and home based on an HGTV episode, or on God’s Word? Am I like the women talked about in 2 Timothy 3:1-7 that are easily led astray, “always learning”, but never arriving at the knowledge of the truth? Am I bouncing around in the philosophies and lifestyles of the world, or am I seeking to honor Christ in the overall trajectory of my life?
- Are others around me influenced towards God or towards sin after being around me? Is my mouth more likely to gossip or encourage? Do I encourage lust by the way I dress or the words I use? Do the words of God regularly pour forth from my mouth, or is my advice interlaced with tips and techniques found in any grocery store magazine, psychological daytime TV show, or best-selling book? Does the “fruit” of my life propel people Godward or sinward? Do my actions show compassion and kindness, or am I an obstacle someone would have to “get past” in order to know God more?
If you aren’t already involved in regular Bible reading, I’d encourage you to follow Proverbs through each month (read Proverbs chapter 1 on the 1st, Proverbs chapter 17 on the 17th, etc.). It’s full of practical wisdom for life, and it’s something even the busiest mom can make time for most days.
Sign up to receive my monthly newsletter, and I’ll send you my FREE book, ONE THING: Top Tip (From a Mom of 6). In it, you’ll learn the top way I:
- BEAT the “Mommy Wars”, and
- HAVE PEACE in my parenting decisions.
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Tagged femininity, proverbs woman, seductive woman, sexiness, what does the Bible say about sex? 
To each large family mom out there, especially you who are on the newer end of being a large family and hearing ugly comments: first, let me say, I’m sorry for the rude comments/attitudes you’ve received. We’ve gotten all the typical comments too. Back before we were a “large family,” I’d read the articles or hear stories, and think, “people don’t really say those ridiculous things, do they?”
YES THEY DO.
I’ve heard them all. I’m learning more and more to let them go, but I know they can sting.
In our case, the worst/most hurtful comments we got were with #4. Something about having four children is so deliberate and “in your face.” With three, people can write off as an “oops” or “you were trying to get your boy/girl”, but four is just downright intentional. And for me, that’s also when they stung the most. I felt so tired and fragile (at that time we had 4 kids 6 and under), and the comments really hit me where I felt most vulnerable.
The other thing that can be painful is when the comments are from people you are close to, rather than random strangers. I get that, too. I’ve heard some doozies, and received comments, looks, and attitudes that certainly would have been more pleasant if left unsaid and unfelt.
Hang in there! Sometimes people get ruder before they get nicer. Nowadays (I’ve just had our 7th baby) for the most part, people don’t say ugly things to my face. They might say it behind my back but I don’t generally have to hear it, which is nice.
Let me share with you the things that have helped put those comments in perspective.
- The longer I live, the more I think that many people just start talking without running it through a brain filter. Sometimes people say strange things when they’re shocked or trying to force themselves to say something. People sometimes ask questions in odd ways when they don’t know quite what they’re trying to say. They’re just saying the first thing that comes to mind, and unfortunately, that’s often going to be the cliched don’t-you-know-how-that-happens “joke” you’ve heard 86 crazillion times. It helps me to have grace when I realize most people are just surprised, curious, and may be simply trying to make conversation.
- Decide in advance to say something positive. I’ve shared before that Doug & I see children as a gift, and so for us, we’ve decided to smile and try to say something joyful and positive about our children. Not only is the other person listening, but our children are too! They hear and see what we’re saying. If asked, “How do you do it?,” I might answer, “God gives me strength, and I’m grateful for each one of them!” (my standard answer when we lived overseas) If they say, “wow, you’ve sure got your hands full!” I might answer, “Yes, and I’m thankful for them!” I don’t try to preach a sermon. (Frankly, I seem to get the most comments when I’m checking out at the store, and so I don’t want people around me to be delayed/inconvenienced.) But I try to say something that expresses my gratitude for each individual, precious soul God has put in our family.
- Keep in mind your own sensitivity. Whenever we make a decision that feels vulnerable, different, or that was a difficult one for us to come to, we can wonder if others are judging us, actively thinking about what we’re doing, or mentally condemning us. In regard to feeling judged, I am trying, in my life, to keep that saying in mind, “if you realized how little people actually think about you, you’d probably be offended.” It’s like having a tender spot on your body where you’ve been bruised. By remembering that we are sensitive in a particular area, it helps us to be self-protective in helpful ways, but it can also make us think that others are deliberately wounding us when it might just be our extra sensitivity in that place. Recognizing our own sensitivity and vulnerability enables us to give grace more freely and not take every comment or glance so personally.
- Stop the analyzing & mental churning before it starts. I don’t know if you’re like me, but it can be easy to overanalyze things once you mentally “go there.” So the trick for me has been to not “go there,” and not allow myself to dwell on things that aren’t even necessarily “true,” and certainly aren’t “lovely,” “commendable,” etc, as the list in Philippians 4:8 goes. That’s where I have to turn, mentally, when I’m tempted to feel condemnation or judgment from others. It’s to our own benefit to give grace and not assume that others are thinking negative things or judging us; it actually reduces our own anxiety and can get us out of our own heads a little bit.
- Be at peace by being “fully convinced.” Romans 14, that great chapter about varying convictions, tells us that “each one should be convinced in his own mind.” And that it’s before our own Maker that we each stand. So, if I’ve made a decision and am at peace and convinced in my own mind that I can stand rightly before God, then I don’t need to prove myself to anyone, or have a chip on my shoulder about anything. So sometimes I actively remind myself of the “whys” of our choices and have to discipline my mind to not focus on the comments of others. I can live out my convictions in grace toward others, and peace with others & myself, because I recognize that it is before my Maker that I stand. When I do that, I am living without fear of man, without fear of their judgments, and without (too much) rattling from their comments, because it is God’s opinion that matters most to me.
Hope that doesn’t come across preachy; it’s just where I’ve had to land after working through years of ugly comments, curious questions, and times of wondering what others thought about us.
The more I purposefully live before my Maker, the less I have to live in fear/concern/anxiety over what others think.
My mom with our 7 children, when Luke was just 2 days old
Also, one advantage of having more kids, and moving past the rude comments phase is that now, for one, I’m just too busy to notice people gawking. When I’m in a store, other people might be staring, but I’m too busy comparing prices, asking the 4-year-old to put his hand back on the cart, talking with the older children, or unloading the groceries onto the belt, to take too much notice of what’s going on around us.
No matter what, the comments are definitely something to get used to, as a large-family mama, and I hope this helps you put the comments in perspective.
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Tagged large families, large family, large family concerns, large family questions 
Our 7th child, Luke Ebenezer entered the world Wednesday night (2/11) at 7:19 pm. It was my fastest labor yet (4 hours, start to finish), and he’s our biggest baby yet (9 pounds, 8 ounces & 22.5 inches long).
He is sweet and strong and much-adored. We’re all loving getting to know him.
I had a number of random thoughts from day 1 and wanted to share them here. There are a lot of little things I do that come naturally to me now. They did not always come naturally. I can’t help but think about the differences these “little” things make, over the long haul.
I offer them as food for thought for new moms– not as (necessarily) a model for every baby and mama, but as some things to consider.
- When he got flustered/frustrated with nursing, I instinctively lowered my voice to soothing tones, and worked to calm him down. I think our natural inclination is to get more anxious, more stressed, and feel like “I can’t do this/he won’t do this/what if he doesn’t nurse well?/maybe this isn’t going to work.” That response, though, escalates and exacerbates the stress. But instead, by calming down, and turning my mind to problem-solving, things are more likely to resolve and less likely to escalate.
- When he appeared satisfied after just 4 minutes of nursing, I laughed and said, “oh no, little buddy, you didn’t get born into an AP home. You’ve gotta eat a full meal. No snacking around here.”
I said this tongue-in-cheek as I unwrapped him and helped him latch back on. I’m truly not meaning to “diss” any other mamas out there… just to say, I feel that these habits are built, incrementally, from day one. Learning to take a full meal (and not just snack) is a habit we work to instill in our kids, and I believe it leads to good long-term eating & sleep patterns. So, even on day one, there’s no quick-snack-nursing allowed here in our home. No matter how sweet and content they seem after just 4 minutes. - When he wanted to nurse again an hour after he nursed, rather than thinking, “oh man, again?” I think “great! My milk is going to come in sooner.” Again, we don’t do snack-nursing here, so that meant two back-to-back “meals” (upwards of 20 minutes per nursing session), but I’m more than happy to nurse him more often in these early days because I know it will lead to good milk production and good sleep, sooner.
- When I was starving (breastfeeding is such a hungry-maker for me), I reached for high-protein, healthy-fat options, rather than carbs. A small handful of nuts, a few slices of gouda, thin-sliced ham rolled up around a strip of spicy brown mustard, a green apple & spoonful of peanut butter… these things kept me full but aren’t empty calories. I’m trying to do better at this, this time around… being more purposeful. For me, nursing has never been a time when I get skinny. In fact, my pattern has been the opposite– that I tend to stay relatively “chunky” until I wean a baby, and then the weight drops off. (So for those of you who find that to be true, rather than the oft-spoken, “breastfeeding melts the pounds away,” take heart!) But this time around, I’m at least trying to make good, healthy choices that won’t pack weight right on my mid-section.
- When I wanted to burn through the day and operate in my post-delivery “high,” I had to force myself to rest mid-day. I wanted to keep going-going-going, but once I made myself lay down, I easily fell asleep and got a 90-minute nap in between feedings. In these early days, it’s worth it to rest MORE than you feel you need to. By being proactive to care for me, I’m less likely to hit burnout, postpartum depression, physical exhaustion, excessive bleeding, and the angry/stress/emotional mama-zone with the kids 2-6 weeks from now. It’s soooooooooo worth it to take time to rest in these early days.
That said, I’d better get back to resting. He’s gonna need to eat soon. Here are a few pictures though.
Immediately after delivery (yes, it was my first water birth):
Getting weighed, after delivery—
Meeting Nana & delighted big-sis MeiMei for the first time:
Being welcomed into the family with a kiss from the 2-year-old (I think all my 2 year olds have done this upon meeting their new sibling):
Snuggling with Moses, the 4 year old (wearing the friendship bracelet Moses gave him):
Making a precious pouty-lip face while being admired by Daddy & Theo:
With big-brother Ethan, 12, who is now a pro with new little guys:
Waking up with me this morning– I LOVE HIM!!!
Have a great weekend, and I will too. I’ll be resting. 😉
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Tagged About Jess, baby, newborn, Postpartum
It can be difficult for parents in any season of life— with a newborn, with two or three little ones, with the time commitments of little league, with teens, or (as in our case) with a large family that bridges many of these “seasons”– to prioritize marriage amidst all the “busyness.”
Here are 10 ways Doug and I purposefully work to make time for each other, in the midst of raising a large family:
- Kids have a bedtime. Yes, even the 12-year-old. Except for church functions, our littles (8 & under) are in bed by 8:30 every night. Our 10- and 12- year old sometimes go to bed with the littles, and occasionally stay up until 9 or 10 (total: 2-3 times/week). Data bears out that very few kids get adequate sleep, and we believe bedtimes (even for older kids) are a good thing. This gives us time to zone out quietly, side-by-side… talk together… watch a movie or TV show occasionally… and make love regularly. We’ve often shared that, even though we lived overseas for 5+ years without regular baby-sitters or relatives at the ready to relieve us, we kind of have a built-in “mini-date-night” every night in the quiet hours that happen after 8/9pm.
- *Our* conversation is the main event at dinner. Kids can talk, visit, interact with us, giggle together, etc., but Doug & I’s conversation is the main thing during dinner. So if two of kids are talking quietly to one another, that’s fine. But if they get loud, interrupt, or make it so that he & I can’t visit, they have to sit silently. This can be difficult, and obviously, sometimes training the toddler not to throw food from the highchair takes the stage for a week or so. And sometimes the kids’ funny stories, a Bible passage, “what we did today,” or “what I learned recently” is what we all are talking about together. But over the long haul, he and I are the hub of the wheel that keeps this family spinning… so our conversations take priority.
- He gets the best. The best cut of meat. The best portion of dinner. The best smiles. The best of my attention (above Facebook, above our children, above my friends). The best of me. Obviously, this is difficult in certain seasons (postpartum life, anyone?), but I still strive to give him the best.
- We talk. LOTS. While I stir the pasta and chop onions before dinner. While we get dressed before he heads out the door. As we go to bed. When we wake up together. Over meals. In between meetings.
- We text. I send encouraging texts, sex-implying texts, thankful texts, just-filling-in-about-my-day texts. This is a simple way we can stay connected through the day.
- We make sex a major priority. A long time ago, I made the commitment to “just say yes,” anytime he asks or implies, even when I’m tired. I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine. And I pursue him sometimes too. I only get one crack at this life, and I don’t want to look back with regret that we didn’t mutually enjoy this amazing part of married life God has given us.
- We aren’t the only ones doing chores. Our kids pitch in and do their part… dishes, laundry, cleaning tasks. These don’t only fall on Doug & I’s shoulders. About keeping the house clean as the mom of a large family, I heard it put this way: “I couldn’t do it without them, but without them, I wouldn’t need to.” In our family, we all work together and get things done, and then we all get to enjoy the good things too. But because our kids aren’t sitting around while we’re bogged down by non-stop cooking, cleaning, and chores, we have more time for one another.
- We sit close, and touch each other, whenever we can. If we pass each other in the kitchen, we’ll reach out and touch hands. If we’re sitting quietly in the evenings, we’ll scoot to where our legs can touch. God has given us a one-flesh relationship, and though not commanded or “necessary,” we’ve found that doing these little things keeps the physical connection solid between us. We don’t want disconnectedness to feel normal.
- More often than not, we purposefully stop what we’re doing to say an affectionate goodbye/hello. Yes, this happens at least twice a day, and we don’t do it religiously, but generally, we kiss, smile, and look each other in the eyes before we leave and when we arrive home.
- Whenever possible, we do things together. Gotta make a Costco run on his day off? We do it together. Not because either of us particularly enjoy Costco runs, but because we enjoy being together. If he needs to make a hospital visit to someone in the church, we drive the 45-minute drive to Portland and back together. Most of the time, children can’t go into hospital rooms in serious situations that call for a visit, so I find ways to “kill time” with them. This isn’t because Portland parks are so endearing (although we’ve found some we enjoy), but because Doug is the love of my life, and we want to spend time together whenever we can. The drive down and back gives us a chance to talk, laugh, and catch up about life together.
This list isn’t exhaustive, but meant to give you a flavor of the sort of marriage we work to develop and maintain.
Life is busy.
But marriage is a gift.
And we want to make the most of it. So we continually work at it, together.
IN THE COMMENTS, SHARE:
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Tagged encourage one another, family life, Home, intimacy, large families, large family, large family concerns, large family questions, marriage, sex, wife 
Q: Is there a point where it gets difficult to care for the children’s emotional and spiritual health and actually KNOW each of them individually? Our second child is just a year old, so some of my question may be due to our recent/ongoing transition between “I can focus on just you” with our first to keeping up with two little people. Do you have any comment on (1) how to evaluate what the needs (beyond physical) of current (and additional) kids are and (2) practical ways you meet them? How do you keep up with everyone?
A: You are in a short, but difficult season, where you are learning to balance multiple needs and feeling the difference from what existed a year ago- where you were able to solely love and delight in one special little person.
We all are given to self-focus and the desire for someone to fully focus solely on us, but the truth is, that God doesn’t mean for us to be solely at the center of anyone else’s universe. Given their own way, your children will naturally seek to build their own kingdom above God’s. The natural struggle of their life will be to place themselves at the center of everything.
So (in truth) your children are each better off for not having that be a foundation laid for a continual ongoing struggle in their lives, LOL. 
Let me encourage you with these thoughts:
#1- Do not make any permanent, absolute decisions about anything regarding children when you are in the throes of stress.
That is the time when we are most likely to feel like, “I AM DONE. D. O. N. E. with this!” But stress is a funny thing. It makes us take strong stances that we often later regret. I can’t tell you how many women I’ve heard from and talked with that made firm & permanent decisions while in the throes of postpartum depression or life with little ones or hormonal imbalance or a particularly difficult season of sickness or stress, that later regretted that absolute decision, with many tears and much sorrow.So, first, don’t do anything drastic or permanent in regard to limiting your family size based on these fears.
#2- Carefully watch godly moms you know.
Look at how they love their kids. Seek out successful mothers who love and discipline their children well. You will find, I think, that they somehow manage to greatly love their children without making any one child the center of their universe. We are capable of more love than we think, and love multiplies, not divides. The beautiful thing (that I’m still learning) about having more children than average is the way that God gives our children love and wonderful relationships not just through me as their mom but also through their interactions with one another. I’m increasingly convinced that God means for us to learn brother and sister life (that will ultimately serve us well in our lives as members of the Body of Christ) through those early interactions.As you watch them, watch how they love and watch how they evaluate needs of their kids. We don’t all do this the same. Some put great emphasis on meeting social needs, others are focused on education and curiosity of their kids. But the truth is that our kids’ “needs” are few and God gives us the ability to meet those things that are true needs. We also, as we grow as moms, get better and better at meeting those desires and needs for emotional connection, deep love and affection, wise support and counsel, etc. Through our kids, He grows US and helps us to be lovers, counselors, teachers, encouragers, trainers, and blessings TO our children.
#3- Watch your children carefully.
Study their little hearts. Pay attention to the things that thrill them, and the things that set them off in a fury. You’ll see the introversion of one, and be able to help him get that solitude his heart desires in HEALTHY ways rather than by lashing out at a sibling. You’ll notice that another one clamors for praise, and be able to help guide their heart away from craving the praise of man. You’ll see the way certain siblings clash, and be able to counsel their little souls about how God has given them this wonderful opportunity to interact with people who are different from them, so that they will be better equipped to love and live alongside others for the whole of their lives. As you watch your children, God will grow you in wisdom and insight so that you can guide them in the ways they should go.
#4- Keep a careful watch on your heart and do not let the physical overtake the soul-level stuff happening in your home.
It is easy to get overwhelmed by the seasonal changing of clothing sizes, or by the laundry pile that never QUITS, or by the tying of shoes and wiping of noses and bathtimes and bedtimes and breastfeeding and ER visits and “dadgum-it-it’s-dinner-time-and-they-want-to-eat-again!” Find ways to deal with these things proactively. Set a laundry routine if you need to… make a simple meal plan that helps you not feel overwhelmed by the 4pm craze. BUT, don’t let those things obscure the soul-level stuff happening in your home. Remind yourself of their need for Christ. Be purposeful to keep refocusing your heart and eyes on PEOPLE rather than STUFF. The children He places in your home is one way God is working in YOU to help “the things of earth to grow strangely dim” in the light of His glory & grace & work in the world.
#5- Keep looking to GOD as the meeter of YOUR needs.
You will increasingly see how He will help you to be the meeter of the needs He has given you to meet. He does not meet all of our wants (although He is gracious and does give us more of those than we deserve!), but He meets our needs, sometimes through Himself, sometimes through others, sometimes through His Word, sometimes through “plenty” and sometimes through “lack.”
One other thought- jumping off that last sentence I just wrote:
#6- God does not expect parents to meet every need of their child’s heart.
There is no way we can do it. You can’t meet every need your child has. I can’t meet every need my children have. There are places only HE can fill, and so we have to trust Him to be faithful to do it, not taking on burdens for ourselves that He never meant for us to carry.
I hope this helps as you sort these things out. If this is too heady and not practical enough, give me some pushback in the comments. and I’ll think through more specifics with you.
Sign up to receive my monthly newsletter, and I’ll send you my FREE book, ONE THING: Top Tip (From a Mom of 6). In it, you’ll learn the top way I:
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- HAVE PEACE in my parenting decisions.
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Tagged large families, large family, large family concerns, large family questions, parenting 
Well, today’s the due date.
THE due date.
The DUE date.
But Luke is still inside, sticking his knobby knees out in alien movements that I feel with gasp-inducing clarity, and prying his little feet up into my ribs.
And I can’t wait to meet him.
Here’s one final “belly pic” for any curious people out there… taken at 39 weeks, 6 days. (This was taken about midnight… so I look exhausted because I was. And yes, I had an epsom salt bath already drawn… and have I told y’all about these awesome, cheery, amazingly-perfect cups? They are my favorites!!)
This time around, here’s what I notice different in my heart:
- I’m less willing to put myself through misery to try to make him come sooner. With previous babies, I’m pretty sure I’ve tried it all… walking non-stop, driving purposefully down bumpy roads, high-impact walking down the steep hills of Istanbul, castor oil–THREE times (don’t do it, mama! I’m convinced that unless your body is already on the cusp of labor, it will only lead to bathroom misery the likes of which you never want to know), having my membranes “stripped,” and plenty more. This time around, I’m just waiting. Several months ago, I chose a date that is far beyond my due date and tried to focus on that date. “I’ll be holding him, one way or another, by this date.” I think that decision has made TODAY, as the due date, less stressful. Less emotion-inducing. Less urgent. I went for a walk last night, but it wasn’t with the delusions or hopes I would have had with previous babies. I think I’ve finally come to a place of contentment. Babies really do come when they come. He will come. It’ll be at just the right time. God knows better than I do.
- I am not looking forward to labor. It’s never been a thrilling idea to me (although I did write this article about all the good things about labor), but I think I used to have more forgetfulness about the *pain* of it than I do now. I am under no illusions. I’ve had labors of (in order) 26, 8, 4, 3.5, 8.5, and 12-13 hours. I’ve gotten an epidural once, used pitocin 3x, used demerol & stadol, and experienced natural labor three times. And you know what? Labor hurts. And recovery takes time. And now, 7 times in, I remember with greater clarity than I used to… so I’m not looking forward to those things, honestly. BUT! It’ll be worth it… holding Luke, resting together, admiring his little perfect features, kissing his soft skin… it will all be amazing. This is just one of those moments in life when, as a woman, I wish Eve had made a different choice; that’s all.
- The important thing is SOOOOO not the things we talk about: weight, length, how long labor took, or the hair color. What I’m most looking forward to is his little PERSONALITY. What I can see now, 12.5 years into parenting, 7 babies later, is this: what changes my life about each one has nothing to do with eye color, or which parent they resemble. What changes my life is the way God uses them as individual little PEOPLE to shape my heart, challenge my character, and impact the world. So more than anything, this time around, I’m eager to see WHO HE WILL BECOME. To meet this little person who will challenge and change and sharpen me in ways that God knows only LUKE can do in my life.
Well, I had some good contractions last night, but then they stopped. And it’s only 10:30 am. So it’s possible he could still come “on his due date” (I’ve not had one be “on time” like that yet)… but even if not, I’m excited to meet him soon– this little life-changing person who God has made to thrill and challenge my heart in ways no one else could.
Have a good weekend! Hopefully I’ll have cute newborn pictures to share soon.
Sign up to receive my monthly newsletter, and I’ll send you my FREE book, ONE THING: Top Tip (From a Mom of 6). In it, you’ll learn the top way I:
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Tagged About Jess, baby, labor & delivery, Real life 
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