December 2014

It’s New Year’s Eve– the time for self-evaluation, promises, and resolutions. The problem?

Most of those goals go unmet & forgotten. 25% of New Year’s resolutions are abandoned within a WEEK.

I’m convinced that a large part of that “failure” rate is that we aren’t honest with ourselves about our real life limitations BEFORE we set our goals.

Today, I want to share with you 5 ways you need to be HONEST with yourself. Truthfully examining these 5 areas will help you:

Not set goals you’ll soon abandon,
Be purposeful and successful in the goals you DO set, and
Set yourself up to live intentionally this year.

#1- BE HONEST ABOUT WHO YOU ARE.

Don’t take on goals that don’t suit the unique way God made you.

If you’re a complete “messy,” don’t do one of those “365” day calendars where you “only” plan to do one major cleaning project a day. It’s not going to get done and you’ll feel like a failure. (Ask me how I know…)
If you’re not currently reading your Bible on a daily basis, you probably shouldn’t “commit” to a 6-chapter-a-day Bible reading plan.Consider choosing a plan with a gentler pace… you’re more likely to stick with a doable plan.

Be HONEST with yourself about yourself. See yourself as you really are.

Don’t commit to goals that don’t jive with your “bent.” Instead, set realistic goals that are within sight for YOU. The REAL you. The you that honestly doesn’t mind a messy dresser top, or that misses a few days of Bible reading each week.

#2- BE HONEST ABOUT YOUR SEASON OF LIFE.

If you’re in a season with all little kids, don’t set a goal of completing a series of major home renovation projects over the next year.
If you live away from family and have no real support system, don’t set a weekly-date-night resolution unless your budget can truthfully manage the babysitting & date costs each week, and unless you have a trustworthy babysitter at the ready.

By recognizing where you really are in life— the season, the location, the life specifics unique to your family & lifestyle– you’ll be able to set more reasonable goals for YOU.

#3- BE HONEST ABOUT WHAT YOU ALREADY HAVE ON YOUR PLATE.

If you’re caring for an aging grandparent/parent, raising multiple little kids, doing medical transcription from home in your “spare” (haha) time, and/or barely keeping your household running, don’t set a weight loss goal, complete with weekly meetings, a daily journal to complete, and trips to the gym 5x/week.
Is your husband in a busy season of work, leaving little time together as a couple, and keeping you perpetually used-up? Take that into consideration before setting goals that will add more time-sucking commitments.

By reminding yourself of what you’re already currently doing, you’ll avoid conflicts in your schedule, and leave yourself more margin to do things well (rather than barely getting by!).

#4- BE HONEST ABOUT WHAT’S COMING.

Are you pregnant?
Is your husband about to start night classes for his master’s degree?
Is this the year you’ll start homeschooling your oldest child?
What about the “assumed” commitments (i.e., your child always plays Little League baseball in the spring, or you teach summer classes at the community college)?

Look ahead purposefully. What can you *already* foresee?

Personal tip: for myself, I typically leave the last month or two of pregnancy and the first two-three months after having a baby completely commitment-free. The reason why I do that is not because I’m a wimp… it’s because I’m human.

Things always come up at the last minute. By carefully limiting commitments made-in-advance, I have enough margin to be able to do the most important things that pop-up. If I tightly packed our schedule, and THEN those things popped up, my energy would be depleted and I’d be good for nothing.

Your life may be different in terms of specifics, but look ahead realistically. Don’t overcommit yourself. You’ll end up doing things poorly, or fill your heart, body, and mind with anxiety. Leave more margin than you think you’ll need, and don’t commit yourself to goals or plans that will eat into that margin.

#5- BE HONEST ABOUT WHAT YOU CAN REALISTICALLY ADD IN.

Honestly answer this question: what has this last year been like?

For most people, instead of answers like “well-balanced,” “purposeful,” and “full of good times together as a family,” it’s more like this:

“Ugh! This Fall has been so busy. We never should have committed to Tae Kwon Do; he doesn’t really even enjoy it!”
“Sorry we haven’t been able to get together; I didn’t expect for my summer to be so hectic!”
“We definitely want to be more involved at church. Just a few more weeks of having two practices a week and then we’ll be down to one. Maybe THEN we can attend a fellowship group.”
“I feel like we spend this time of year rushing from one thing to the next.”

This happens all through the year, with almost everyone I know.

So… before you add in a gym commitment, before you sign your kids up for “only one sport each,” and before you join that book-study-group, consider:

What was your year REALLY like?
Were you able to connect in meaningful ways with people who you are purposefully growing alongside?
Are you currently being intentional in your family life?
What things ought to be cut from your life, in order for you to add in something else?
What things just need to be cut, with nothing replacing them?
Are you involved and connected with your church family?
Can you genuinely add more to your life?
What needs to be prioritized differently in order to make your life work right?

If your life is currently busier than it ought to be, or if you already feel like your kids get the short end of the stick, you *realistically* ought not be adding more on top of that. Instead, simplify. Cut back. Focus on what matters.

Don’t try to add more on top of a life that is already overscheduled.

If, on the other hand, things are swimming along nicely, or there are things you can easily cut out in order to make time for some new commitments, then you’ll be able to proceed with peace and confidence!

IN THE COMMENTS, PLEASE SHARE:

What goals are you setting this year?
In what ways could these 5 questions help you reframe and focus your goals so they work for you, rather than against you?

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Tagged commitments, family life, goal-setting, goals, Grow on purpose, intentionality, margin, new year, overcommitment, resolutions, stress

When I did Weight Watchers and lost 30+ pounds (between babies #5 & #6), one of the most beneficial and necessary things of the program for me was keeping the food diary. It keeps you honest.

I had friends who would say, “yes, I do Weight Watchers too,” but then would have an extra serving of pasta, or add on a piece of cheesecake to their meal, and say (with a wink),

"I just won't write this down."

And truth be told, that’s just NOT “doing Weight Watchers.” That’s dishonesty, and it doesn’t lead to weight loss. You might as well just save yourself the hassle and avoid the food diary altogether if that’s the way you “do” the program.

Mental “FOOD” Intake

I’m convinced we can do the same thing with the mental “food” we consume… we aren’t honest about all the media, articles, and information (and values from those things) that we’re taking in.

We watch the news non-stop, but then struggle with anxiety, stress, fear, and anger.
We loathe our own bodies and images but don’t honestly assess the images and videos we’re setting before our eyes day in, day out, week in, week out.
We watch shows that glorify adultery and divorce and the swinging single life but fail to connect that to our discontentment in marriage.
We fix our hearts on perfection in home decor, flipping through magazines, and watching home decorating shows, and then feel discouraged by the realities of living in a real home with real people.
We fill our eyes, hearts, and desires with airbrushed celebrity men and women before, during, and after marriage, but can’t figure out why our marriages are falling apart.

So, last weekend, I decided to keep an HONEST, completely accurate report of what I’m taking in:

books,
podcasts,
youtube videos,
sermons (real life & online),
personal bible study,
group bible study at church,
TV shows & movies,
classes,
music,
websites & articles

Here’s a screenshot of page one:

I’ll share a few of the things I learned:

I had no idea how MUCH I was taking in. No wonder my brain feels full & used up! I’m consuming a LOT of data & information each day.
I didn’t realize how much FLUFF I consume. Those “mindless”/silly/hilarious Facebook videos add up to a LOT of time and mental energy wasted each day.
There were things I opted NOT to click on because I didn’t want to have to report them. (I’m not talking about anything like porn, just dumb videos or mildly-interesting articles I might normally click on but merely browse.) Just like with food, knowing that you’re going to have to honestly track every single thing keeps you HONEST and keeps you from clicking on stuff that is stupid or potentially harmful to you.

After doing it just for those three days, I’m convinced that this exercise could be useful for anyone- just to keep track of what you’re mentally taking in… Consider– are you:

Wanting to learn about something in particular?
Struggling with a particular focus/fixation you can’t seem to shake?
Needing to grow in a particular area of life (marriage? parenting?)
Wanting to be purposeful in your personal bible study?
Curious about why you’re mentally exhausted?

This is a great opportunity to be publicly accountable for all the media and mental intake you do each week, actually giving an account for the way you’re using your mind & your time.

KEEP A MENTAL “FOOD” DIARY

Open a document on your computer/phone, or keep track on a sheet of paper
Make headings for the various forms of media/mental “food” you consume (some examples: books, TV shows, sermons, Bible study, music, articles, Facebook feed videos)
Write down every. single. thing. (It helps to go back through your computer “history” at the end of the night to be sure you’re remembering all the links you clicked on, articles you read, videos watched, etc.)

Do you think you would ever keep a mental “food” diary? Why or why not?

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Tagged Grow on purpose, Mental “Food” Diary, personal growth, spiritual growth

2014 was my first year of writing at JessConnell.com. Since we’ve nearly reached the year’s end, I thought I’d do a quick “year in review,” to give you the opportunity to read any articles of interest that you may have missed.

For each month of 2014, I’ve shared the “top” article, and my personal favorite. Let’s get going.

JANUARY 2014

TOP ARTICLE: Who Is The Captive: Your Thoughts, Or YOU? “Our minds are so easily taken captive by anxiety, gossip, lust, greed, rage, criticism, bitterness, envy. But we can begin taking our thoughts captive in every moment. WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO TAKE THOUGHTS CAPTIVE?”
MY FAVORITE: The Sovereignty of God in the Waiting Room of Life “The waiting rooms of life happen to us all, and often without warning.
- Waiting for the tests to reveal, “What is this illness ravaging my body?”
- Waiting for the right employer to offer a position.
- Waiting for a proposal from the man you hope will ask.
- Waiting for word back from a friend after a disagreement
- Waiting for a positive pregnancy test after miscarriages or months of experiencing disappointment each month while we’re “trying”
Our natural inclination in those moments is to stress over delays, and with increasing tightness to clutch control of the situation. The waiting room of life is where the rubber hits the road when it comes to God’s sovereignty.”

FEBRUARY 2014

TOP ARTICLE: Stress, Yelling, and SIN “Thinking back about 8-9 years, to the moment when I first yelled at our children, (in a very stressful time, incidentally), and I remember thinking, “I won’t always feel so frustrated. He won’t grow up with a yelling mom. I just yell in rare circumstances, when I’m pushed to my limits.” But guess what? I’m still yelling. Surprise, surprise. (Let this be a warning to you, young mom with one toddler who just started yelling: SIN DOESN’T KILL ITSELF. THESE THINGS DON’T JUST IMPROVE ON THEIR OWN. STOP THIS THING NOW BEFORE YOU WAKE UP TO IT WITH A WONDERFUL, WOUNDED ELEVEN-YEAR-OLD STARING BACK AT YOU.) My friends (who I so DESPERATELY NEEDED to square with me) squared with me. Here’s what they told me…”
MY FAVORITE: Romance is Unique, Not Universal “Every Valentine’s Day, our culture screams out definitions of romance according to purchases and plans (chosen by the commercials, of course). It makes me wonder:
- How many women and men are being held hostage to a standard of “romance” that doesn’t even, really, matter?
- How many husbands are guilted into buying things their wife may not even want?
- How many wives feel unloved if their husband doesn’t do “x”, despite the fact that he’s a good man who shows love in other ways, 364 other days of the year?”

MARCH 2014

TOP ARTICLE: Watching Our Children Leave (My Mom wrote this one!!!) “Many of my friends and loved ones have commented to me lately, saying things like, “Oh, I just don’t think I could handle it if my children lived far away from me”, or “We couldn’t take it if our kids moved away”, and it got me to thinking. Many of these people “dedicated” their babies to the Lord, and have watched as their grandbabies were taken to the front of the church and “dedicated” to the Lord. …let’s think about what that day of dedication is all about.”
MY FAVORITE: We NEED What We Would Never CHOOSE “Through my own mess and exhaustion I can say that I am seeing God soften and shave off areas that have needed His editing for a long time. I needed to be humbled and broken. I needed for some of my comforts to be stripped of me. I needed for Him to give me what I would never have chosen.”

APRIL 2014

TOP ARTICLE: Seasons of Life and Homeschooling “Like parenting in general, it helps me when I think about homeschooling in terms of seasons. Each season has its own unique joys, its own unique challenges, and each is discernibly different from the one before.”
MY FAVORITE: He Makes Me Lie Down “God knows what I need better than I do. He is my Father who knows me better than I know myself. He knows when I need rest. He knows when I would take on more than I should. He also (conversely) knows when I can do more than I am. The Psalmist said, “He makes me lie down…” And sometimes, that’s exactly what He does.”

MAY 2014

TOP ARTICLE: 4 Questions to Help You Evaluate Parenting Advice “If you are a first-time mom, or just beginning to make some of these life-impacting decisions about parenting and discipline, I want to encourage you to ask yourself four questions about whatever advice you are contemplating.”
MY FAVORITE: Wives, Submit To Your Own Husbands ” This isn’t about who mows the lawn, who writes the checks/pays the bills, or what sort of skills or hobbies we possess. These character-driven roles are clearly gender-defined for the Christian marriage. But it doesn’t stop there. If it did, we’d all be complementarians.Notice Ephesians 5, verse 24:
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“…as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.”
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Whoa… THAT’s the sticking point, right there. I can hear already the objections:”

JUNE 2014

TOP ARTICLE: 21 Ways to Help Your Family Thrive Through Transition “In not-quite 14 years of marriage, we’ve lived in 13 primary residences, and in 8 temporary living situations (each 1-2 months). 5 of those residences were overseas, and almost all of those moves were with children. A number of you have asked me to write about how we’ve stayed sane and content through so many changes, especially with children. So here’s my list:”
MY FAVORITE: A Skillful Producer (Part of my Proverbs 31 series) “The Proverbs 31 woman can really become burdensome if you see it as some sort of cookie-cutter picture for all of us, rather than looking at the big picture of the passage as a whole.Is this entire section prescriptive? Are we really all supposed to do all of this? While having little kids?! And the answer, friend, is “no.” But this productive, gifted lady is the sort of woman that is praised here, and so we can purposefully look at her life and learn from it. Look at her. She’s skilled in a particular area (fabric/sewing) and she uses it to bless everyone she comes in contact with:

JULY 2014

(I only posted once in July, because we moved into our house.)

Home Decor & Trendiness: Who Makes the Rules You Live By? “Perhaps you see TV shows or read articles like these and feel obligated, on some level, to live within the decorating limits set by others? And if not these rules, which are you living by? Your mom’s? The ladies in your home group at church? Your best friends’? The “rules” you take in while browsing Pinterest? We all have people who have influenced the way we keep our homes, how we decorate, how we clean, and the way we live.”

AUGUST 2014

SEPTEMBER 2014

TOP ARTICLE: Are You a “Mommy Martyr?”
“What is a “mommy martyr?” This mom:
- steps up to “do it all,” taking on more than she can cheerfully do, then feels bitterness and frustration
- doesn’t ask (but still expects) others to help
- may keep an internal “list” of all the things she does that no one else appreciates {To read the rest of the list, click on the picture:}
MY FAVORITE: 5 Reasons to Make Love (Even Though You’re Tired) “for the tired mom who just wants a little extra sleep, the woman for whom the initial delight you had in your beloved has faded into a hum-drum occasional physical interaction, the wife who feels exhausted by her children and has been excusing “not having anything left over to give” to the man you pledged your life to… to YOU, I have a few things to say.”

OCTOBER 2014

TOP ARTICLE (by FAR the most popular article I’ve ever written): Why Have More Kids? ” Recently, on an older post about exhaustion, I received this comment:
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“I don’t want to offend anyone but why do people keep having more kids if they are already exhausted with 1 or 2 they do have?”
```
There are so many answers I could give, but for me, it all boils down to this:
MY FAVORITE: Young Woman, I Am So Sorry “This world will seek to convince you that the Sovereign God who created every flower and contour of this world made a mistake when He formed the shapes and colors of your eyes, cheeks, jawline, and nose… when He gave you your skin tone and hair color and bone structure. This world seeks to teach you to believe that IT knows better than your Creator what you should look like. And that ultimately, what you look like is not OK. And I am so sorry.”

NOVEMBER 2014

TOP ARTICLE: Unprepared for Motherhood: Thanks, Feminism! “Because of Feminism, we have had less training, and less mental preparation for motherhood and daily care of the home than any other generation before us. The vast majority of us … got our degrees, and were prepared to use them in a sterile, professional environment. …our reality was far removed from any awareness of pregnancy, breastfeeding, and the real, daily demands of raising young children.”
MY FAVORITE: Stop Waiting For a ZAP! “Have you been waiting for the elusive “zap?” What I mean by that is: Are you waiting for something to happen TO you… are you subconsciously waiting for things to change? Let me say something to you that we all need to hear from time to time: There is no magic “zap” that’s going to happen TO you. If you are coasting along through life, hoping that each day will somehow be different from yesterday, you are — essentially — trusting in magic.”

TOP ARTICLE: Convictions & Choices: Don’t Do It Because “They” Do “Just as the world often goes along with lifestyle decisions because of the people around them, Christians sometimes take on the convictions of others around us without actually searching the Scriptures and knowing exactly why they believe and do what they do. Here are some convictions that I’ve seen Christians adopt because of others:”
MY FAVORITE: Are You Ignoring Your “Mommy Radar?” “Over the years, in myself and others, I’ve observed a tendency toward laziness as moms. I’m not talking about laziness in how we clean, decorate, dress our children, or save money for our family. No, in those ways we can be quite purposeful and diligent. What I mean is this: many of us tend to lazily overlook the things our children are doing, even when those things agitate or frustrate us. God has given us an internal alert system that points us to the very areas on which we should focus in our children…”

2014 was a year full of changes for our family. Our family moved from Texas to Washington. My husband and I have begun counseling couples more purposefully through our local church. It was also, for me, a great year for growing as a writer.

I’m looking forward to 2015 for a couple reasons:

I’ll get to meet Luke. Our 7th baby (6th son) is due just 6 weeks from today!
And I’ll also be releasing several projects (books) I have lined up. (STAY TUNED & SIGN UP FOR MY NEWSLETTER TO KEEP IN THE LOOP, IF YOU HAVEN’T ALREADY!)

Blessings to you and your family as you reflect on the year gone by and consider what’s coming in the year ahead!

Sign up to receive my monthly newsletter, and I’ll send you my FREE book, ONE THING: Top Tip (From a Mom of 6). In it, you’ll learn the top way I:

BEAT the “Mommy Wars”, and
HAVE PEACE in my parenting decisions.

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Tagged 2014, About Jess, blogging, top articles, year in review

One of the surprising things, to me, about the Christmas story, is the way Joseph & Mary’s hearts yield themselves to God.

Mary submits…

despite her age
despite her singleness
despite the challenges it would mean for her
despite the judgment of her community

Joseph submits…

despite the way things would look
despite the “cost”
despite the challenges it would mean for him
despite the judgment of his community

Perhaps we think, “yeah, but they had ANGELS come to them!” But the priest, Zechariah, had a vision and clear word from the Lord. And he questioned and did not accept it at first. The Apostle Peter had a VISION from Heaven, and yet he argued back with God and had a hard time accepting it.

Angels and visions from Heaven are not automatic human-heart-changers.

“I AM A SERVANT OF THE LORD; LET IT BE TO ME ACCORDING TO YOUR WORD”

Confession?

As a wife and mom, I like for things to go according to plan. Whose plan? MINE. I like for the house to run according to my will… as Paul David Tripp points out about anger, my anger is often fueled because my will is not being done “on earth.”

But this response of Mary’s– “I am a servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to Your Word,” and Joseph’s faithful obedience to flee everything he’d ever known in order to protect a child that wasn’t his own, all because it was the will of God?

Mary and Joseph were human people who were yielded to the will of the Lord.

I want that sort of WILLING, yielded heart, this Christmas, and always.

A heart willing to say “yes” to God’s plans, despite the cost
A heart that embraces the fact that I am not the one in control
A heart willing to do whatever He says, no matter how things will look to outsiders
A heart yielded to His plans above my own reason, or human logic
A heart that is yielded to God’s shaking up of my life & plans.

God, give me a willing, yielded heart.

Merry Christmas, y’all!

Sign up to receive my monthly newsletter, and I’ll send you my FREE book, ONE THING: Top Tip (From a Mom of 6). In it, you’ll learn the top way I:

BEAT the “Mommy Wars”, and
HAVE PEACE in my parenting decisions.

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Tagged discipleship, God looks at the HEART, heart change, open heart

In this series about convictions, we’ve talked about:

And in that last article, we left off at that pesky place where we come to a different conviction than someone else in the Body of Christ. So what do we do then?!?

Unlike being under the Jewish law, where 600+ rules guided daily life (and many more rabbinical directives beyond those rules gave even more specification to what was/wasn’t allowed), as believers under grace, we may often find ourselves in biblical “gray areas,” where there may be helpful guiding principles, but where the exact rules/lines seem fuzzy and unclear.

The beautiful thing is that God foresaw this difficulty of life under grace rather than Law… He provided for it in His Word in places like Romans 14. When we take our cues from passages like this, we realize we can hold a completely different– and even a completely opposite– conviction from another believer. Romans 14 gives us instruction to:

not quarrel over opinions
not despise those who see things differently
not pass judgment, but instead
let God do the judging
each be fully convinced in our *OWN* minds
focus on living to the Lord, rather than to self
remember that we will each give an account before God
be more concerned about loving and not offending our sister, than about judging her
never put a stumbling block or hindrance in the way of a sister
walk in love, first and foremost
pursue peace & mutual upbuilding
only do what we can do from faith.

It is not uncommon to see forums, bloggers, or articles that are more known for what they are *against* than what they are for… articles written bashing this book, that ministry, this or that parenting philosophy. As believers, that is not what we are to be about.

As fellow believers, we are not to “quarrel over opinions.” Nor are we to hold our convictions so tightly that we fail to LOVE PEOPLE who are on the opposite side of that conviction.

GET CLEAR ON THE ESSENTIALS & STOP CHURNING ABOUT NON-ESSENTIALS

We need to be very very clear about what are the “essentials”… and thus, we need to be clear about areas of conviction and not raise those things to top-tier priority in our hearts and minds.

What are the essentials?

The Gospel.
Who Jesus is, and that He is the only way to Heaven.
That we are saved by grace, not works.
Things explicitly, unquestionably, CLEARLY outlined in Scripture (C.S. Lewis sought to clarify these things in a book called Mere Christianity)

Too often, as we live out a particular conviction, it clutches our hearts and we long to feel validated and affirmed in that choice. The conviction becomes idolatrous. We continually seek out research, examples, opinions, books, articles, and more to validate our conviction. We seek to surround ourselves with people who see that issue as we do. We become combative (inwardly, if not outwardly) toward people who see it opposite from us. We churn about it, and attempt to convince everyone around us to live life the same way.

We are not at rest about it, but continue to be filled with anxious churning about it.

SEEK TO BE FULLY CONVINCED

While Romans 14 makes clear that we are to be fully convinced about the choices & convictions we make, at the same time, we are to hold those things loosely enough that we do not offend or judge our brothers and sisters in Christ who, in faith, do completely opposite things.

So when we churn and seek approval, I think it reveals that we are actually not yet to the place of being “fully convinced in our own mind.” Instead of being at peace, we are revealing our own uncertainty about our convictions when we:

inwardly churn over someone else’s “wrong” decision in a scriptural gray area
fail to see ANY scriptural gray areas, and expect our “black” to be everyone else’s “black,” and our “white” to be everyone else’s “white,” without exception
see our own choices in gray areas as more righteous, more full of faith, and others’ as less righteous, and less faithful
churn over whether or not someone else is judging us
churn with judgments over someone else
refuse to be silent when “that” issue is discussed, because we can’t afford to lose, or bear the thought that our “side” lost the argument

One of the things I love about Romans 14… and I love so many things about it… but one of the things I love is the beautiful irony that it tells us “each one should be fully convinced”… and this is what allows for peace in relationships in the Body.

Does it seem ironic to you, too? To me, it seems like the exact OPPOSITE would be true: that by being “fully convinced” of opposite convictions, it would produce division rather than unity and peace.

But truly, by each of us coming to a place where we are no longer churning and needing to seek other people’s affirmation or feel badly about other people’s disagreement… THAT is the place when we have finally come to a conviction about something. We are at rest. We are no longer churning and anxious and stressed and worried about what people are thinking and wondering if they’re judging us, nor are we sitting around judging them, churning over THEIR choices, worried, stressed about everything they’re doing.

The picture of Romans 14 is that we’re fully convinced in our ability to do or not do that thing that is a gray area conviction, standing in the light of our Savior, able to walk in peace and love our brother more than our rules.

We don’t have to flaunt our freedom or brag about our strictness. We just get to live life at peace, and allow others to do so as well… all of us fully convinced, even if (like the examples given in Romans 14) we’ve come to completely opposite points of view. And all the while, our love is covering those differences and enabling us to serve one another, rather than viciously attack and despise one another (in our mind, actions, words, or attitudes).

KEEP YOUR EYES ON YOUR OWN PAPER

The Scriptural directives in Romans 14 remind me of that old saying in school: “keep your eyes on your own paper”… do you remember that saying? The funny thing about it is, if you followed that saying, not only did it protect you from “cheating” but it also protected you from copying someone else’s WRONG answers.

So, for example, in regard to birth control & family size, I don’t want to look too closely at what Suzie-small-family-mom is doing/saying, or what Linda-large-family-mom is doing/saying. I don’t want my convictions to be fueled by things outside of God’s Word & the authorities and wisdom-speakers He’s placed in my life.

If Suzie or Linda says something that particularly resonates or supports what God is already doing or saying in my life, then I’ll embrace and listen to that… but I can’t let someone else’s fiery opinions FOR or AGAINST something be what convinces me. Someone else’s GREAT job, or CRAPPY job, at motherhood shouldn’t what motivates me. I can’t let someone else’s stricter convictions, or someone else’s less strict convictions be what fuels my days.

Those things might sharpen or clarify why I’m doing what I’m doing, in minor mid-course adjustment sort of ways, but it can’t be the foundation for why we do what we do.

LET GOD’S WORD CONVINCE YOU

Rather than looking to someone else’s convictions, look to God’s Word. He is our Good Shepherd. His voice will guide us. He does not desire for us to be fuzzy or unclear about His ways.

As you read, don’t just look for a “do x” or “do y” sort of directive. That won’t exist in a gray area. Look for the ways that your Shepherd thinks and guides you in a particular area. Whatever the topic, consider His wisdom in regard to that area… look for larger principles by which to guide your path. Look to people who did it well, and who did it poorly.

Be fully convinced.

But don’t let it be because of someone else’s opinion… let it be because of His Word. I believe THIS is the way to peace with your Brothers and Sisters in Christ, even those who have come to completely opposite points of view from yours.

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Tagged choices, convictions, family size, gray areas, Romans 14, unity in the Body

We recently talked about not doing something “just to prove them wrong.” Today I want to talk about the flip side:

Don’t embrace a conviction just because others do.

Just as the world often goes along with lifestyle decisions because of the people around them, Christians sometimes take on the convictions of others around us without actually searching the Scriptures and knowing exactly why they believe and do what they do. Here are some convictions that I’ve seen Christians adopt because of others, and it has almost always ended up to their detriment and sorrow:

homeschooling/private Christian schooling/public schooling
following Babywise/co-sleeping
sports/dance/theater/extracurricular involvement
delaying babies/being “quiverful”/stopping after 2 kids/surgical sterilization
pastoral & missionary service
spanking/not spanking
going/not going to college
dating/courtship
following a particular curriculum or ministry

The list above is not necessarily a list of right things, or of wrong things. It is, however, a list of things that would be absolutely wrong for you to do if they do not “proceed from faith.”

Here’s the thing I feel pressed to tell you, sister:

YOU SHOULD NOT DO ANYTHING THAT IS NOT FULLY DONE IN FAITH.

Romans 14:23 is so clear:

But whoever has doubts is condemned if he eats, because the eating is not from faith. For whatever does not proceed from faith is sin.

ARE YOU “RUNNING FROM HOUSE TO HOUSE,” GATHERING CONVICTIONS FROM OTHERS?

Many women today, I feel, are very near the line (if not over it) that 1 Timothy 5:13 describes, of young widows with not enough to do:

“they learn to be idlers, going about from house to house, and not only idlers, but also gossips and busybodies…”

The fact that someone else does or says something, and seems godly and wise, can not be enough for you.
The feeling that you were raised in a different way, and this way seems so righteous and wholesome can not be enough for you.
That an impressive or dynamic leader espouses this idea, curriculum, conviction, or approach can not be enough for you to follow it.
The novelty or uniqueness of an idea can not be enough for you.
The fact that you read about it and it resonates with you can not be enough.
Really liking and admiring the woman saying it, and her family, can not be enough.

IN THE HOMESCHOOL COMMUNITY

I have particularly witnessed this in the at-large homeschool community, so that is where I’m going to call it out. Sadly, it is not uncommon to see women essentially going “from house to house,” wandering in and out of various convictional stances. These women:

take on convictions of others,
talk loudly about them,
live them out for a while, wholeheartedly trying out “this” discipline method, “that” birthing style, “this” belief about birth control, or “that” homeschool approach,
feel defeated and discouraged when it doesn’t “work” for their marriage, family, or child,
often proceed to talk loudly against the convictions they were once all for,
and then, do it again, usually swinging to the opposite end of the pendulum.

They do this not based on reading God’s Word, not based on leadership from their husband, not based on teaching from their pastor & church, but often based on the teachings of other women in blogs, books, magazines, and online forums.

I fear that there is a great risk of becoming like those busy bodying widows when we spend more time talking with other women online about our convictions (or mentally “talking” with other women in books/articles/magazines/blogs), than we do with our own flesh-and-blood husbands.

[And trust me, I’m not saying any specific thing on the list good or bad, although I definitely have my own opinions & convictions (some of them quite strong). I’ve lived and done some of those things, and some of them I have specifically avoided.]

But it concerns me to see women taking on large-scale, burdensome convictions without the drive for those convictions coming first from Scripture, and without their own hearts being fully knit together with their husbands.

TWO SPECIFIC EXAMPLES

#1- Sadly, it seems there was a disturbing trend of this tendency in the patriarchal/quiverfull circles of Doug Phillips & Vision Forum. Now, please hear me out, whether you are/were a lover or hater of that group.

Ironically, in a system where the husband was supposed to be the head of the home, there are many instances I have read about and observed-from-afar where the wife was the first to be “convinced” of the convictions they took on. Husbands then, at their wives insistence/enthusiasm, began to live out these strong and difficult convictions. It seems that many did this, not because they were independently, biblically convinced of each one, but because their wives pulled them into the whole thing and they coalesced.

Sisters, this should not be.

Later, it turned out that this system of living was burdensome to many who embraced it. Many of the women found themselves carrying a burden that felt too heavy. Many marriages and families struggled (and still are). And many, sadly, have thrown their faith out with these convictions that (for them) seem wholly tied up with Christ.

#2- I have also seen it with children and discipline issues, in completely different circles.

The wife goes out into the worldwide web, finds a parenting system that appeals to her “mommy heart,” because it seems soft and sweet and “non-punitive,” and is fully intertwined and committed to this system, before her husband has even had a chance to consider it and weigh in. When their husbands try to express concerns, they are ignored or belittled for “not understanding child development” or “not being as well-read” as the mom.

This approach produces division within homes, enmity between mom & dad, difficulty between fathers and their children (when their children turn out to be little pills), and can even lead to divorce, all because the wife was out, running from virtual house to house, taking on opinions and convictions without her husband’s input.

HEAVY BURDENS V. LIGHT BURDENS

In Matthew 23 (and Luke 11), the burdens given to people by the religious leaders were described:

“They tie up heavy burdens and lay them on men’s shoulders, but they themselves are unwilling to move them with so much as a finger.”

This reminds me of the burdens tied on people’s shoulders by those who loudly tout the rightness or wrongness of various convictions. And, like the Pharisees, those who teach about these burdensome convictions will not be there to help move and lift the burdens when it becomes to great for people to bear alone.

Doug Philipps is not there to help lift the heavy, everyday burdens of the fathers and mothers he shackled with a works-based approach to godliness. Nor are the internet forum moms (who hand out advice in droves) going to be there to help you when your 5-year-old is a violent whirlwind of destruction and makes your home life miserable. They lay up heavy burdens on the shoulders of others but do nothing to help lift them.

But the burden given to people by Christ is described much differently:

“Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”

He does not give burdens that are greater than we can bear in His strength. He helps us to carry the things that He puts on our shoulders.

Christian wives should not be out running around (on the internet or in books or homeschool conventions), gathering convictions to bring back and lay at our husbands’ feet, for them to take on and “do.” If we do, we become part of the religious system described above, where we are laying heavy burdens on other people’s shoulders.

Before embracing a convictional stance, be sure that you are “fully convinced,” as Romans 14:5 tells us to be. In order to be “fully convinced” as a married woman, I believe I should:

look to God’s Word
look to Christ & take on HIS rest-giving yoke
look to our own husbands, ranking their opinions much higher than anyone else on earth
look to our own consciences

to determine what we are “fully convinced” about and can do “in faith.” And more often than not, rather than producing exact carbon copies of one another, that is going to produce some areas where we operate differently from the people around us.

Which is EXACTLY why God gave us Romans 14.

Which is where we’ll pick up, in part 2.

IN THE COMMENTS, PLEASE SHARE:

Do you see this tendency in yourself, or in the group you are a part of?

Because I know this is a potentially divisive issue, I offer this heads-up: I am going to be actively moderating comments & will not approve rude, combative comments. Personal, observational, or factual comments are fine. But do not wholesale-criticize a group of people. Do not make sweeping, judgmental statements. Try to be more conciliatory toward the opposing “side” than you hope for them to be toward you.

I would love to host a robust, honest, kind discussion here.

Sign up to receive my monthly newsletter, and I’ll send you my FREE book, ONE THING: Top Tip (From a Mom of 6). In it, you’ll learn the top way I:

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HAVE PEACE in my parenting decisions.

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Tagged choices, Comparison, convictions, discipline, family life, God is our Shepherd, motherhood, parenting

Over the years, I’ve heard something offered occasionally that I think is a terrible motivation for living life and making choices for yourself or your family, and it is this:

“You get out there and show ’em. Do it well and prove them wrong.”

It can play out in a wide variety of ways in our lives as women:

Don’t strive for perfection as a homeschool mom to prove them wrong and shut up the naysayers.
Don’t choose public school for your kids because you’re in a community of homeschoolers or private schoolers and you want to prove a point that Christians should be “salt and light” in this particular way.
Don’t decide to lose weight because you’ve always been the chubby girl and want to prove to your family that you can be thin.
Don’t choose to go to college because you want to prove you can.
Don’t choose NOT to go to college because you want to prove that’s not the only way to get a job nowadays.
Don’t have a home birth because you’re a doula and want to show everyone how wrong they are to choose to birth in a hospital.
Don’t choose, or opt out of, certain discipline & parenting methods because you want to prove other people wrong, or to “show” them.
Don’t become an adoptive or foster parent because there’s a fire in your belly to show that biology isn’t the only way to have children.
Don’t embrace a quiverful mindset as a pendulum-swing reaction against a 2-child-or-less culture around you.
Don’t get & keep a job because you’re sick of the stay-home-mom mindset among Christians & you want to prove something about the role of women.

Now, I hope that this would never be a sole reason why anyone would do something, although if you’re very stubborn and have an “I’ll show you!” attitude about life, I suppose it *could* be that way. But I do believe that these sorts of things are sometimes a reason why some people do what they do.

IS THIS ONE OF YOUR REASONS FOR DOING WHAT YOU DO?

Let me challenge you, friend: look deep inside and determine if this is something that drives you. Can I encourage you? —> Don’t even let that be a secret, mild motivation in your heart.

Whatever your convictions and choices are, don’t do it “to prove them wrong.”

Whether “them” is:

your parents
your siblings
your extended family
your friends/neighbors
people who disagree with you
someone else whose opinion ranks (too?) highly in your heart

Don’t do it to prove them wrong, to convince them to do it too, or to “show” them how it can be. Even if it’s not a primary motivation for you, but only a second- or third-tier reason why you keep putting one foot in front of the other, this is not a reason to do anything. Even if it’s just the quiet whispers of your heart when you are at your lowest, don’t listen to counsel that would tell you things like:

If I try it that way, it will just prove them right.
I can muscle through this home birth to show her that hospitals aren’t best.
I’ve got to keep homeschooling, or else the relatives will all say, “We told you so.”
If I pull him out and start homeschooling him, she’ll think I’m giving in.
If I stop/start co-sleeping, my mother-in-law wins.

THE WORST KIND OF MOTIVATION

No! It is the worst kind of motivation:

It is rooted in pride.
It feeds a heart motive of looking good (even if only on the outside).
It cultivates a desire to “be right,” rather than to please God and love others .
It increases a heart of judgment and proving others wrong, rather than being God’s agent of grace and reconciliation.

It is a worldly motivation. It’s one we sometimes learned in Little League (“They’ve said we can’t win this game; let’s get out there on the field and prove ’em wrong!”) or in school (“That snippy do-gooder thinks she’ll get the lead spot in the play. Stick it to her; knock this audition out of the park!”).

WHAT SHOULD I DO INSTEAD?

Instead of letting that be a motivation, have positive, biblical reasons for the things that you do. As believers, we are to live according to a higher standard:

Do what you do because it is right.
Do it because you are “fully convinced in your own mind” (Romans 14).
Do it because you are constrained by conviction.
Do it because you can not in good conscience make a different decision, and this is what you can do in faith. (also Romans 14– whatever is not in faith is sin)
Do it because you and your husband have agreement and peace about it.
Do it because it is the right thing for you, your family, and/or your child.
If the Bible is clear about it, do it because you desire to obey God.

And if you hit a down spot, instead of fueling pride in your heart by thoughts of “proving yourself” to others:

Remind yourself what Scripture says about the topic.
Read encouraging literature that reignites your passion & motivation.
Talk with friends who are also “fully convinced” on the issue, and purposefully glean wisdom and encouragement.
Pray and ask God for strength, wisdom, and whatever you need to keep going.

Scripture continually challenges us to live in the light, and walk in the light. So, hold your convictions up to the light. Hold your motivations up to the light.

Instead of leaning on fleshly reasons, motivate yourself in godly ways. Do not let your heart fall prey to lesser motivations. Put off worldly thinking, and embrace a better, higher, purer set of motivations.

IN THE COMMENTS, SHARE:

Have you heard these whispers in the quiet corners of your heart?
On convictional/choice issues, do you sometimes fall prey to these lesser motivations?

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HAVE PEACE in my parenting decisions.

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Tagged choices, Comparison, convictions, discipline, homeschooling, motherhood, parenting

Over the years, in myself and others, I’ve observed a tendency toward laziness as moms. I’m not talking about laziness in how we clean, decorate, dress our children, or save money for our family. No, in those ways we can be quite purposeful and diligent.

What I mean is this: many of us tend to lazily overlook the things our children are doing, even when those things agitate or frustrate us. God has given us an internal alert system that points us to the very areas on which we should focus in our children, but we ignore it, and thus, opt for laziness in our mothering.

When we do that, it is to our shame, and to our children’s detriment.

Elizabeth, a wise mom of ten, author of Raising Godly Tomatoes, and friend of mine, said it this way:

“I have what I call “Mommy Radar”. It goes off whenever I sense something needing correction. I’m not sure how I acquired Mommy Radar, but I suspect I’ve had it all along and just didn’t know. What I thought was irritability was perhaps at times really the beginnings of Mommy Radar or Mommy Radar being ignored.

You see, it used to annoy me when my children whined, complained, or argued with me. It frustrated me when I had to request something multiple times before they’d do it, and it upset me even more when they would do it, but do it grudgingly. Slow obedience bothered me too, and sneakiness, and laziness, and so on.

Because I was new in my parenting career, I thought that all these things that annoyed me were “normal” for children to do. I thought I needed to learn to somehow tolerate all of these until they “grew out of it”.

Since then I’ve wised up. Now I know they won’t grow out of it if I don’t put some effort into training it out of them. If I want better behavior I’d better do something to make it happen.”

It is so critical to develop, and then listen to, that “mommy radar” Elizabeth talks about.

Dads often understand this implicitly. I’ve heard countless stories of young dads telling their wives something they need to cut out, add in, stop doing, or start doing, with their child, and all too often the young mom scoffs and allows the child to keep doing the thing that annoys her husband.

Young mom, can I tell you something straight? Listen to your husband!

If he is annoyed by it, others are too!
If you are internally annoyed by something, others are too.

You’re the one God has put in their lives, day in, day out, to help correct these things. No one else has the God-given authority, or the ability to exercise it, the way you do– with consistency and love!

When you get that check in your spirit to deal with something in your child’s attitude, behavior, response, or words, don’t:

ignore it and keep browsing Facebook on your phone.
wait for it to escalate
try to distract or mollify your child
keep sitting in front of your computer.
just let it go “one more time”

As parents, we are in the business of raising up, sharpening, and shaping these little “arrows” so that they can be shot to the far reaches of the earth for God’s use. No one else is going to do this job for you.

It all begins with listening to those little annoyances that God means to spur us on toward training them to be enjoyable, pleasant people.

MOM’S UNIQUE VANTAGE POINT

To you, mom of a little one who is agitating you with her rudeness, or bothering you with his disobedience, be encouraged!

When something in/about your child rubs you the wrong way, God gave you that vantage point so that you can *do something* about it. He has put you in a unique position where you not only SEE but you HAVE the *authority,* given by God, to deal with those issues in your child.

Be faithful today!

Be diligent over time!

Listen to that “mommy radar” and put in the consistent, daily work necessary to help your child be shaped and sharpened for God’s use.

Click here to purchase Elizabeth Krueger’s book, Raising Godly Tomatoes.

Sign up to receive my monthly newsletter, and I’ll send you my FREE book, ONE THING: Top Tip (From a Mom of 6). In it, you’ll learn the top way I:

BEAT the “Mommy Wars”, and
HAVE PEACE in my parenting decisions.

SIGN UP now & I’ll send it your way: Posted in Grow as Mom
Tagged childrearing, discipline, mommy radar, parenting

Today I’m starting a new video series, where I’ll share “3 Things I Wish I’d Known” about various topics and life experiences.

Many will be about life as a wife and mother, but this first one is “3 Things I Wish I’d Known Before I Started Blogging.” I’ve been blogging since the summer of 2006, and started blogging here (at jessconnell.com) in January of 2014. Prior to that, I had a different blog, and I made a lot of mistakes and learned a lot the hard way.

Today I’m sharing with you 3 things I wish I would have known going into it, so that you can avoid making the same mistakes I did.

Watch the video here (or scroll down to read the transcript):

EMOTIONS & CONTROVERSY

The first thing I wish I’d known is how to discern what I’m emotionally capable of in a given season.

I used to write opinion posts, and then feel a hurt or a bit tender when someone thought I was completely wrong. In nearly a decade of blogging, I can’t tell you how many bloggers I’ve watched come and go (either by stopping blogging, or deleting their blog altogether) because of this one thing. It’s emotionally jarring to have someone tear into you because of something you’ve written.

Here’s what I had to realize: any topic you take on that’s controversial (breastfeeding, parenting, birth control), where people take a firm opinion & have strong feelings about it, will get back negative feedback. You can guarantee it… especially, if your blog is doing well! The great thing about getting your blog content out there is that you get feedback. But then you have to deal with the reality that some of that feedback is going to be negative.

So I wish I would have learned earlier how to deal with that, and how to discern what I could handle. Because there are seasons where you just can’t *take* as much as you can in others. If I’ve just had a baby, or have a busy summer full of church and community events, I (now) know that I probably won’t have the extra “margin” that I would need to take on controversial topics. Instead, I need to stick to subjects that I have the gut for.

That’s the first thing. I wish I would have learned sooner how to deal with those things, and decide in advance whether I had the gut to see that topic through all the way to the end, including angry comments and people who call you an “idiot” because you hold the opinion that you do.

For me now, an important part of blogging is deciding before I post something, if I am capable of taking on that level of controversy (including the negative pushback that will inevitably come). And because I do that, I’m more in control of my emotions and more in control of my writing and responses. When I take on a controversial topic, I do it with full knowledge that it’s going to require more time and more intestinal fortitude to handle any backlash that comes.

PACING & POSTING

The next thing is that I wish I would have known how to pace myself. When I first started, I was just putting out content. Whatever I thought up that day, I would post. And sometimes that looked like several posts a day, and then sometimes I would go one or two weeks, or sometimes even months, without posting.

I wish I would have thought more carefully about the pace at which I could put out good quality content so that people could get comfortable with my routines– (i.e., “Jess always posts a new article every Monday and Wednesday“). Some bloggers do something similar with “Thankful Thursday” or some other regular feature that their readers can count on.

For you, what that could look like is, “I’m a stay at home mom, and I’ve got three little ones ages four and under. I don’t have time to post multiple times a week. Instead, I’ll write a post when I can and every Monday, if I have a post, I’m going to post it, and that way readers can come to rely on that schedule– checking my blog for new content at the beginning of the week.”

Think about the rate at which you can write good content. Then regularly pace yourself, and consider using your scheduling feature to plan your posts in advance, rather than just putting it out there the moment that it’s written.

It’s fine to do it the other way (posting randomly), and in fact, if your goal is to use your blog as a personal diary or peek into your life, that is a perfectly great way to go about it. There is no reason to mess with scheduling if your blog is your way of sharing family events, or jotting down your personal thoughts for whoever wants to read them.

But if your goal is a blog that grows in readership and influence over time, you’ll want to develop a dependable approach to how readers can access your blog. If you’re going to post once a week, Monday morning or Sunday night is typically a good time to pick, so that readers know that at the beginning of the week, they can go to your blog and get something new & fresh from your pen.

ONGOING CONTACT WITH YOUR READERS

The third thing I wish I’d known is the importance of developing an e-mail list. In over 7 years of writing at my old blog, I had over 800,000 readers come to visit, read, and interact. And you know what I have to show for that? Nothing. I have no way to recontact those readers, no way to tell them about current articles they might be interested in, and no way to connect with them about projects that I’m releasing.

When I started my new website, I offered my e-book, One Thing: Top Tip (From a Mom of 6) as a freebie for people who signed up for my newsletter, and over the course of eleven months, with nearly 250,000 visitor chalked up (much quicker rate than my old blog!), I’ve developed an e-mail list that currently sits around 450 subscribers.

What that means is I have their permission to regularly contact them.

For my blog, because I write about Christian mothering, parenting, and marriage, these subscribers know that once a month, they’re going to get some sort of encouragement from me in one of those areas. This content is NOT on my blog; it’s special content that you only get if you subscribe to my newsletter. My monthly newsletter also keeps them informed about the articles that got the most interest & interaction that month. So if they had a busy month, they know they can scan through that e-mail and find links to articles that are of interest to them. That’s the way I use the newsletter/e-mail list feature.

But the great thing about it is that it allows you develop a relationship of trust, over time, with the same reader. Without an e-mail list, you’re just waiting for them to happen across your blog again, either by coming across it in their Facebook feed, or remembering to come back and check for new articles. Instead, by having that opt in feature (always have it be “opt-in”… never add someone without their permission; that’s illegal spamming!), you’re able to keep in contact with the same person. I’ve found it useful and encouraging, and I think my readers do too.

So, friends, those are the three things I wish I’d known before I started blogging.

IN THE COMMENTS, PLEASE SHARE:

Which of these points did you most need to hear?
If you’re a blogger, please share something you wish you’d known before you began.

Also, PLEASE SUBSCRIBE to my newsletter!

You’ll receive my free e-book and once-a-month encouragement (no spam; no nonsense):

Sign up to receive my monthly newsletter, and I’ll send you my FREE book, ONE THING: Top Tip (From a Mom of 6). In it, you’ll learn the top way I:

BEAT the “Mommy Wars”, and
HAVE PEACE in my parenting decisions.

SIGN UP now & I’ll send it your way: Posted in Grow as Writer
Tagged 3 Things I Wish I’d Known, blogging, writing, writing a blog

This is my third article in a series about talking with your kids about sex. Here are the others:

The reason this series is “The (On-Going) Talk” is because I believe this is not meant to be a one-and-done topic. One mistake I believe we can make, as parents, is to compartmentalize this issue in a way we do with virtually nothing else in life. We get all nervous about it, and don’t talk about it, or relegate it to one “big talk”– something we feel we can only do with a book in hand, or at an official “purity seminar,” or whatever.

Instead, consider:

Will you only talk with your kids once about the kinds of foods that they should eat– what’s healthy/what’s not?
Should your children only get one formal, nervously-awkward speech from you about how to be a good friend?
Do your children only need to hear one warning about being diligent in their work?

No… in all of these areas, you recognize the value of instilling wisdom, over time.

Like these topics, this one — of sex, marriage, babies, and more– should be an ON-GOING conversation.

Over time, you can share with your child the tools they need to enter adulthood with a healthy and biblical understanding of how and why God made their bodies to work as they do. Over time, you will give them the basics, answer their questions, and help fill in or correct places where they misunderstand or lack the big picture. Over time, you develop a trust relationship so that they can come to you when issues arise in their hearts and lives.

And it all begins with the early verbal years– ages 2 to 5.

AGES TWO TO FIVE

This is the time in your child’s life when you can lay the foundation for your child’s future understanding of marriage, family, sex, and their bodies.There are some blessings to it happening at this young age:

They are still little.
Their understanding of these things is not sexual.
The questions they will ask are fairly limited, compared to what the range and depth of topics become when they are preteens and older.
There is plenty of time ahead of you to correct misperceptions, or continue building understanding, in things that they misunderstand or misinterpret now.

Remember that all of these conversations happen in an on-going way, so none have to be an “all or nothing” experience. However, just like with other topics of life, some conversations will be more shallow, and some will be more-in-depth. Even though it feels huge (and it is important), this is not something to stress or feel anxiety about… this is a privilege– that YOU get the be the one to frame your child’s understanding of these important subjects!

First, I’ll deal with a common objection — “do we really have to?” I believe this question derives primarily from uncertainty and discomfort (often because we ourselves were ill-informed & ill-equipped in these things). After that, I’ll dive in and address the general things that I believe are good to address with kids from age 2-5.

DO WE REALLY HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THIS?

Yes, I believe it’s biblical and right… and also:

THIS IS NOT 1875.

Unlike the silence of previous generations on this topic, I do not believe it is healthy, biblical or wise to keep our children in the dark, or “protect” them from reality, as long as possible. In fact, by delaying this discussion, you are virtually assuring that they will get worldly information, wrong information, or flat-out wicked information, from some other source.

Honestly, though? Part of me wishes I could avoid it. I wish I didn’t have to warn my children about the risks of sexual abuse. I wish I didn’t have to talk with my preteens about pornography. But these are not realistic wishes in the day and age in which God put me.

Gone are the days when we can ignore difficult realities. Gone are the days when your American son’s greatest sexual challenge was the flirting of a prostitute on the biannual trip into town on the buckboard wagon. Gone are the days where America’s children grew up on farms, figured out the basics of how babies are made that way, and went into adulthood successfully married to their Christian friend down the road without any major ethical dilemmas in the sexual realm. Gone are the days when elicit content was tucked away in some less-visited part of town that had the “decency” to cover it all up with dark windows and paper bags.

[As a side note, it helps me to remember that this is also not A.D. 75. Having walked the streets of Ephesus with my children in 2010, I realize that if I was a mom in the early church, I would have had to purposefully face these things, too. I would have to talk with my children about the reality of the brothel directly in the center of town. It would have been unavoidable, standing on the corner of the main path between our house and the “agora” where the Apostle Paul sold tents, where we would have bought vegetables and linen. I would have to warn them about homosexuality, sexual acts of worship in the temple, and man-boy sexual relationships common to that culture. Having to face these topics really is nothing new… but in recent American history, they have been sometimes treated as best avoided.]

We no longer live in a culture where we can ignore these things. If we do not give our children an understanding of these things, they will almost certainly go the way of our increasingly-wicked culture, or they will face great difficulty in engaging with the oversexualized culture around them that completely misunderstands and wrongly frames these issues. Whether or not we like it, this is the world they are called to “go” to, “love,” “serve,” “teach,” and “disciple.” Additionally, the risk of sexual abuse for those who are unwarned, uninformed, or underinformed, is real. None of these options are good.

Instead, we can be proactive, and give them a biblical framework for understanding themselves and the world. Let’s jump in.

WHAT THEIR BODY PARTS ARE FOR

For little girls, this will include a progressive discussion about the design and purpose of their chests, as well as their genitals. Here are some sample conversation points:

Perhaps in the bathtub, when she notices them: “Yes, those are called ‘nipples’ and they are part of your chest; that’s where a mama’s milk comes out after she has a baby.”
When she asks why her chest isn’t big like mommy’s: “Right now your chest is little, but as you grow up, your breasts will grow bigger. God made it that way so that if God gives you a baby, you will be able to feed the baby.”
And whether she asks or not, this is a simple way to explain her parts: “God made it so that girls and ladies have three different holes. The one in front is where your pee-pee comes out. The one in back is where your poo-poo comes out. The one in the middle is called a vagina– it’s the special place God made for babies to come out.”

For little boys, it’s more straight-forward, partly because everything is “out there” and obvious in a way that isn’t true for little girls.

In bathtime/diaper changes, as they notice, name his “penis” just like you would with his nose or belly button. No need to get nervous or weird about it.
When he asks about his nipples, name them, and explain that his chest will not get bigger like mommy’s– that God has made men and women wonderfully different. “Your chest will not get bigger because you are a boy and will become a man. You have a penis like Daddy. Your body will grow to be bigger and stronger like him.”
My boys also find it wonderful and hilarious that they will one day have hair on their bodies. Sometimes I’ll tickle them under their arms, under their chins, and on their chests and say things like, “One day when you’re a man, you’ll have hair on your body like daddy does. You’ll have hair under your arms and maybe even grow a beard!” And we dissolve into giggles and tickles. It’s not something absolute… just another example of how to have these low-pressure conversations that are continually reminding them that their bodies are made purposefully by their Creator.

This happens on varying levels, as they grow and mature, but keep teaching & reminding them. Some of these conversations will come up naturally, and some will be because of things happening in their lives, and some will happen because you are being a purposeful mom and sense that it’s a good time to introduce the topic.

WHO IS APPROPRIATE TO TALK ABOUT THESE THINGS WITH?

You also will want to (multiple times over, especially at first, and then at least a few times a year) remind them:

“Talking about your private parts is something you only do with Mom & Dad, and sometimes with your doctor. Do we talk about these things with anyone else?”
“Noooooo…”
“That’s right; we don’t, because these are private parts God has given you for one day when you become a husband or wife. Should you talk about this with brother/sister?”
“Nope.”
“Do you talk about this in Sunday School, on the playground, or with your friends?”
“Noooooo…”
Should anyone else ever see, or ask to see, your private parts?
“No.”
“That’s right. These are things you don’t talk about with anyone but mom and dad. And if you ever have a problem, like an itchy place or if something’s hurting, who should you ask about it?”
“Mom or Dad?”
“Yup. Mom or Dad. And then we’ll take a look and make sure everything’s OK. OK?”
“OK!”
“What should you say if someone else starts to talk about, or asks to see your privates, or wants to show theirs?”
“No, and run away.”
“That’s right! That would be wrong for someone else to do. And tell Mommy and Daddy as soon as you can.”

Obviously this is not a script. Adapt it to your natural conversational style and the norms of your home. If your child is regularly around grandma, for example, you may want to include her. But in general, keeping it very simple and straightforward is the best way to keep propriety clear in the child’s head.

I can hear the protests now-– “but after we talked about it, my 3 year old yelled over to a random man in the produce department, ‘you have a penis & yours is bigger than mine cause you’re a man but I’m just a little boy!’”

And, I want to say this gently, but here’s the thing… these conversations should all be happening alongside normal childhood discipline, where the child is learning to listen to mom and dad’s instructions and carefully obey. I’m not saying the produce department scenario can’t/won’t happen, but I’m saying that if you have been diligently teaching your child to listen to you and to take your words seriously, then this too will go through that filter. There will be moments where you have to correct, or remind, them so that they remember to keep these things private for discussion with mom & dad, but this is not a major concern for me.

Instead of expecting the worst outcome, prepare for the best outcome, and prevent against the worst outcomes through teaching and discipline. With all 5 of our kiddos that are at/past this age, we’ve had a few relatively minor infractions, but nothing major, nothing memorable. You can help them understand by teaching them, “knowing about how babies are made, and why God has made these parts of our body, is something that is special and private and part of getting older. It’s a special gift from God, and not something we’re to talk about with just anybody.”

They really can learn to keep these things private and for discussion with mom and dad only, if you teach them to do so. Privacy and discretion will become more and more intertwined with their understanding of sexuality as you teach and guide them, over time.

UNDERSTANDING PROGRESSES OVER TIME

When a toddler first asks how babies are made, an answer like, “God puts the baby together in the mommy’s tummy”, may be sufficient. But as that toddler advances into preschool and beyond, questions like these need to be answered more accurately and specifically. The next piece of information may be, “God uses a teeny part of the daddy and a teeny part of the mommy and brings them together in the mommy’s tummy to make a baby that grows bigger and bigger until it’s time to come out.”

If your child can understand the basics of how a building is made, or how a plant grows, they have sufficient understanding to hear and understand the basics of how God uses a man and a woman to make a baby.

Just like anything else, their grasp of the topic will grow as their verbal and mental skills progress. So what starts out small and basic, will over time, grow deeper so that by the time they are adolescents, you will be able to interact about social and cultural issues without much of the “mechanics” playing a part in the discussion. At that point, their understanding of sexuality, pregnancy, marriage, divorce, and topics like these will be framed by what you have taught them and what the Bible says, and so then you will be able to discuss ethical issues and societal struggles without the added pressure of also trying to avoid or having to give specifics about body parts and functions.

THE QUESTIONS THEY ASK & WHAT ANSWERS TO GIVE

With our preschoolers, we talk about these things generally. I say “generally” because this isn’t necessarily the time for detailed anatomical discussions, although some kids may find that interesting and it may be perfectly fine.

In our home, we tend to talk about these things more often because, well, I’m currently 7 months pregnant with baby #7, and the kids ask things each time we have a baby. Questions like these are common:

How big is the baby in your tummy?
How did it get in there?
Do I have a baby in my tummy?
Does daddy have a baby in his tummy?
How will the baby get out? (Though this one can feel intrusive, it’s really not. It’s an engineering conundrum for this child who hasn’t yet experienced this issue. Give an honest answer: “God made it so that a baby can come out through a special opening between mommy’s legs that gets big enough to let the baby out.”)
Does it come out your belly button?
Why is your tummy still big even though the baby is out now?
Why don’t girls have a penis? (In my experience with both genders, this question is more common than the reverse because one is more visible on the outside, and thus more easily “named” by children.)
Why does the baby drink from your chest?
Will my chest make milk like that?
Does one side make regular and the other side make chocolate milk? (Yes, this was said to me. By a precocious 4 year old, many moons ago.)
What does the milk taste like?
When will the baby stop drinking your milk?

Your child(ren) will probably come up with their own unique questions too, whether it’s with your pregnancy or someone else’s. They may even ask the same question multiple times– to gain more information, to gain confidence in what he already knows, or because it has become fuzzy or unclear in his mind. Don’t be frustrated or surprised if you have to explain the same thing multiple times and multiple ways.

And even if they don’t ask, I’ve come to the opinion that this stage (with the lack of nervousness, and intake of so many other pieces of data about how the world works) is the perfect time to give the basics, whether they ask specific questions or not. Just the same way we drive past a new housing development, and naturally begin explaining how the construction process works, and why they build the walls that way, etc., this is a perfectly good time to begin framing your child’s understanding of the woman’s large belly you just passed in Target, or the reason you’re excited that Uncle Joe is marrying his fiance Annie.

Though it’s tempting to shirk off these probing questions, especially the ones we perceive as more personal or embarrassing, these questions provide an excellent opportunity to engage on these topics!

When we talk with our kids we try to follow these basic guidelines:

Keep it in the context of biblical truth. (I often reply with some variation of, “God is so amazing; He made our bodies to work this way…” Now, a word of warning: it can’t ONLY be this sort of “God does it” answer… just like the way a house is constructed, children need physical, factual details as well, but it should always BE in this context, even when more details are shared.)
Keep it factual. Our children should have a rock-solid confidence that we will be honest with them.
Keep it simple. Answer the question they’re asking. Help them develop a clear framework for a right understanding of these things.
Keep it in the context of marriage & family.

On that last point, yes, sometimes Aunt Sally has a baby without a husband, or they see a teenager who is pregnant. Even then we have the opportunity to frame it in the context of God’s plan for human beings. “God made it so that a man and woman would come together to make a baby as part of a family. While it is possible to make a baby outside of marriage, God’s idea is that each child should have a mommy and daddy in their lives who are committed to them and committed to each other. Isn’t that a wonderful plan? In this case, Aunt Sally is going to be doing this alone, which will be harder for her, and for the baby, but God has a plan for this too. We love Aunt Sally & we will love her sweet baby too! What do you think we can do to help her?”

RESOURCES TO HELP YOU

Using books and videos can be an excellent way to provide accurate information in a non-threatening and non-awkward-for-parents way.

Here are some I recommend for this age group:

The Story of Me (God’s Design for Sex, Book 1) — This book is specifically intended for children ages 3-5. It gives a gentle and very very basic description of how babies are made, as well as basics about each gender’s body parts.
The Wonderful Way Babies Are Made — This book offers both a large-text option for younger children, and a more detailed small-text option to read with older children, and gives the basics of marriage, sex, and babies in a biblical context. It also has a section at the end that talks about adoption and how Jesus grew in Mary’s tummy but was adopted by Joseph.
For those with a baby on the way and preschoolers who can sit still for documentaries, we’ve LOVED the visuals & explanations in National Geographic’s DVD, In The Womb. This gives an amazing narrative of the growth of human babies inside the womb, and our kids have absolutely been enthralled with it. There is also a corresponding book (also called In The Womb) that our children (after watching the video) enjoy flipping through to remind themselves about the incredible way God grows babies.

As with anything else intended for your child’s consumption, if you have any concerns at all, I encourage you to review these materials first, before presenting them to your child.

WHAT SHOULD I DO TO PREVENT SEXUAL ABUSE?

I decided, after getting this far into this post, that I need to make this topic a separate article. So I will do so in the next article in this series. I just wanted to let you know that I’m not skipping over or avoiding that topic, but rather, it will take more time and space than would be wise to include in this already-much-longer-than-normal article.

FINAL THOUGHTS ABOUT WHY…

While your preschooler may seem far too young to talk about some of these things with, the truth is that he/she is just a few short years away from (unfortunately) having friends with smartphones who may be more than willing to tell them and show them what you will not. And I believe it is actually easier to talk about these things sooner, and to continue the discussion over time, than to delay and end up with one big awkward-fest at the time that their hormones and bodies are changing and they’ve already developed their own sense of understanding (and likely picked up some misunderstandings) of these things. By talking about these things now, you are setting the stage for an on-going dialogue about sex, marriage, and relationships, that can serve them well as they travel through the adolescent years that are rife with temptation and pitfalls.

The goal is to help our children understand the world around them through the framework of God’s plans and purposes for us all. These years, between the ages of 2 & 5, give us a wonderful time to set the stage for future discussions & deeper understanding.

Images courtesy of: stock images & dreamdesigns/freedigitalphotos

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