October 2014 – Jess Connell

As women, we are apt to be controllers.

We tightly grip the things that matter most to us. We clutch our children, control our husband, treasure our possessions, count calories meticulously… whatever it is that matters to us, we tend to hold it tightly.

But… it happened to me again this week: whatever we try to control ends up controlling us. As my heart quaked over something I couldn’t control, it took me longer than it should’ve to remember:

God doesn’t mean for us to live this way.

Let me ask you directly: What are you “clutching in your hands?” 

In Deuteronomy 16, God laid out instructions for coming before Him:

Three times a year all your males shall appear before the LORD your God …They shall not appear before the LORD empty-handed.

Throughout the Old Testament, God commanded the people of Israel to come before Him with sacrificial offerings, taken from the possessions and fruit of their labors. They were not to “appear before the LORD empty-handed.”

I have lived among cultures where a regular sacrificial offering was a religious duty. Where poor and rich alike bring things to God, hoping to find favor and forgiveness.

The autumn air was crisp as I walked to my language lesson, and came upon a horse that had (only moments before) had its neck slit for sacrifice. On my way back an hour later, it was still alive, taking its final sputtery breaths.

Our first apartment in Istanbul was a quarter-mile from a tent where the bleating sheep were marked with neon orange spray paint, according to value, awaiting their slaughter for the “cutting holiday.” In a matter of weeks, the tent was silent and empty.

Human hands controlling, reaching, stretching out to obtain God’s favor.

ONE SACRIFICE FOR ALL

How freeing that, as believers in Christ, our song can be:

Nothing in my hand I bring
Simply to the cross I cling; Naked, come to Thee for dress, Helpless, look to Thee for grace. Foul, I to the fountain fly;

Wash me, Savior, or I die!

Christ’s perfect payment on the cross frees us from the requirement of bringing things to God, and instead compels us to hold everything in our lives up to God with open hands. 

While as believers we are no longer under the wrath of God, needing to bring sacrifices to atone for our sin, we have the privilege to bring Him everything we have. We no longer need to clutch everything, and everyone, in our lives.

Instead, we bring them to Him willingly.

…the attitudes of our hearts, the hurts in our marriage, the people in our lives, the possessions we own, the children we are afraid we are messing up, the situations we are facing…

We can bring it all to the One Who knows best, not out of duty-bound obligation as payment to God, but as a child. The humble child who recognizes that he is not all-capable quietly brings his shoes to his dad and says, “will you help me put on my shoes?” He knows he needs someone bigger than himself. He comes not out of obligation but out of a recognition- “I can do nothing without your help.”

Do you have that attitude toward our Father in Heaven?

Do you believe, “I can do NOTHING, Lord, without YOUR help”?

The problem is, all too often, we don’t.

Even though we say we believe, we fail to trust God with the things we care about most. And so we control.

• We tightly grip our husbands and children, seeking to control their actions and words.
• Fear keeps us in a cycle of endless churning over things, people, and circumstances (all of which are ultimately beyond our control).
• We seek to control our homes, some of us through yelling fury & domination, and others through emotional hype and mommy martyrdom.
• All the while, anxiety controls US, so that we clutch it all even more tightly.

When we are clutching people, things, or circumstances, it points to a heart issue of one kind or another.  

Tight-gripped hands point to a lack of trust of the Father.

As women, with hearts that desire to control everything and everyone around us, we can look at our lives and consider:

• What am I clinging to? What am I tightly clutching?
• Am I behaving as a non-Christian, a follower of some other religion, as if I have to control things and “make offerings” to God in order to appease Him, earn His favor, or make Him do things the way I want?
• Am I behaving as an unbeliever, as if God is powerless or untrustworthy? Are my hands clutching for control because I doubt His goodness and care for me?
• Am I behaving as if I am the sovereign God? As if *I’M* the only one who can get things done as they ought to be done?

Friend, even as I pose this question to you, I’m asking it of me:

What do your hands say about your faith?

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Tagged anxiety, anxiety & worry, control, Fear, have faith, marriage, other religions, rooted in Christ, stress, trust God

In the Old Testament, stones were often used as reminders.

Stones were used to make altars. The physical process of collecting and stacking the stones was an external marker of the inward reality of one’s heart being actively prepared for worship. Stones were set upright in the ground as reminders to both parties of peace agreements, so that anytime the stone was passed, or seen on the horizon, people in each clan or tribe would be reminded of the old pact to be honored.

Sometimes, stones were even named.

In 1 Samuel 7:12, the prophet Samuel does that very thing:

Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer, saying, “Thus far the LORD has helped us.”

When the Israelites were terrified, going into battle against the Philistines, they begged Samuel not to cease praying for them. So Samuel went before the LORD, offering sacrifices and prayers. Because Samuel saw the mighty answer of God on behalf of a needy and weak people, he erected the stone Ebenezer. Though they won the battle that day, it wasn’t a stone to mark victory.

Rather, it was a stone raised to remind everyone who saw it that God was faithful.

Dependable. Rock-solid, even in the face of frightened human flesh.

RAISING OUR OWN “EBENEZERS”

One of my favorite hymns, Come Thou Fount, says:

“Here I raise mine Ebenezer, Here by Thy great help I’ve come.”

One of the rhythms of life that Doug & I have tried to build into our family is to regularly remind ourselves of the times God has specifically been faithful to us. We want to remember that it’s by HIS help that we are in this place.

Sometimes we’ll sit around the dinner table, put the kibosh on all the silly talk, and remind the children of when Daddy lost his job, and how we all prayed for a new job. We remember gifts given to us in our time of need, friends who came to encourage us, and the detailed ways God has cared for us in each trial we’ve faced.

MAKE AN “EBENEZER TIMELINE” OF GOD’S ACTIVITY

Another activity I’ve personally found helpful is to, every few years, draw a timeline of my life and mark out God’s activity in it. I have done this once for my entire life (in 5 year increments, looking for God’s activity in each season), and more recently, for 3-5 year periods of time, to prompt me to remember God’s recent kindness in my life.

Let me encourage you…

Take time this week, or soon, to do this.

We grow deeper in godliness when we actively notice God’s work in our lives and praise Him for it.

You can make it part of your regular journaling/quiet time, OR set aside time after the kids are in bed, or during nap time, to complete this at a time when you are undistracted and free to actively “remember.”

It may take an hour or more, but I promise- it will be worth it– very faith-building!

Draw a line across the center of your page, from left to right. Along the way, mark years in one color ink. Then go back through your memory and mark the highlights, and the lowlights, of each time period. It helps me to mark positive changes above the timeline, and hurts and challenges below it. Put dates when possible.

Questions to jog your memory as you make your timeline:

• What were the noteworthy events, turning points?
• What has been your most challenging issue faced in the last season of life? Most enjoyable?
• What were the highs & lows, losses & gains, blessings and stresses?
• Who has entered your life? Who has exited your life?
• What have the relationships been like with family members? Close friends/co-workers?
• What happened in your family during this season? In your extended family and network of friends?
• What are the EGGs (Evidences of God’s Grace) in even the hard seasons? 

With a different colored pen or highlighter, mark specific moments of God’s grace and activity on your timeline. Consider (actively pray through and seek to identify):

• Miracles 
• Out of the blue blessings
• Answers to prayer
• Spiritual growth and maturity (both for you and in the lives of people you love)
• Ways that God’s Body– other believers– ministered to you in times of need
• God’s physical/material provision for you and your family
• Depth of understanding of God’s Word and of God Himself

AFTER YOU MAKE YOUR TIMELINE

Look back over your timeline and consider these things:

• Note lessons you’ve learned, what you’ve benefitted from, and what you wish you’d done differently.
• Turn the paper over (or make room at the bottom) to identify action steps or something you want to do in response. 

Each time I do this, I am confronted with my own weakness and need for God, and comforted by His continuing, gracious, overwhelming GENEROSITY in the way He loves me and offers peace and provision along life’s road.

I pray that this will be a tool that God uses to strengthen your faith and encourage your heart… that it would truly be a mini-Ebenezer raised in your life to remind you “Thus far has the LORD helped me.”

[Personal note: We are pregnant with our 7th child (due in February). He’ll be our 6th little boy. Fairly early on in the pregnancy, Doug & I decided that his name will be Luke Ebenezer. After a tumultuous year of unexpected challenges and changes, we want our son’s name to be a reminder to us that God has been so very faithful. And– His faithfulness has not because of us, but because that’s who He is. 

God is, by nature, faithful & dependable. In fact, Revelation 19:11 begins a portion of Scripture that takes my breath away in its description of Jesus, coming down from Heaven. The mention of Him there tells us He is “called Faithful and True.”

Echoes of Ebenezer.

My heartfelt prayer is that our son’s name, his life, and our entire existence as a family, would point to the Savior, and His enduring faithfulness.]

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Tagged Ebenezer, Ebenezer timeline, Eternal Perspective, God is at work, God is FAITHFUL, God’s goodness, Grow on purpose, remember God’s faithfulness, soul care, spiritual growth

In the comments section of a recent post, titled, “Why Have More Kids?” I received this comment:

While I can appreciate your thoughts, my big issue with extra large families, is that ultimately, it is unsustainable. Can you imagine what the world would be like if everyone decided to have 6+ children!? We are already outgrowing our planet. People used to have 5+ kids in a lifetime, mostly because they needed free labor, and because child mortality rates were so high. But nowadays, with vaccinations and healthcare, and food availability, it just doesn’t make sense. Think about minimizing your footprint, and yes, that means procreating less and using birth control. It is your choice, but it is a choice that ALL of us will have to live with eventually, and I’m sure God would agree with me on that one.

I have a number of thoughts, including:

1. Not everyone wants to, or will, have 6+ children, so that criticism is a bit ethereal and surreal.
2. We are not outgrowing our planet. The entire world’s population could fit in the state of Texas with the same density as New York City. There are vast regions of land in the world that are unsettled and unused, and with modern equipment and research, farming/ranching practices continue to increase in efficiency. 
3. People historically had 5+ kids because people are fertile, and had marital relations that stretched over decades. Because fertility is generally the way our bodies were designed to work, people had a lot of children, not merely “because they needed free labor,” or because kids died more easily. That’s putting a modern-day spin on the historical reality of life lived as generally-fertile human beings.

But rather than trying to convince this commenter of something that is clearly the opposite of what he/she believes, I’m just going to share, as best I’m able, our personal experience with living life as a large family and the eco-footprint we leave. I write this not as an exercise in self-justification, or as a litany of reasons why others should live life as we do, or even to put forth that this is the case for every large family, but just to counter some of these thoughts about sustainability with my own personal experience.

FOOD

• We consistently buy in bulk, thus reducing the amount of paper/plastic waste per ounce of food consumed.
• I conscientiously plan our meals, and we cook in bulk, using less energy per food serving.
• Because we are on a tighter budget (supporting ourselves + 6 children on one person’s salary), we rarely eat out. Less paper/plastic waste, and less gas spent acquiring food.
• We eat left-overs often and rarely throw out food, which reduces our average per-person food waste.
• We shop at discount grocery stores to make our grocery money stretch farther (think: cereal boxes with crushed/ripped boxes, though still possessing perfectly intact bags; or organic butter that’s a few days/weeks from “expiring”), thus using up products that would otherwise be thrown away and/or go unused. 
• I want to be clear and honest about this part: we do, or will particularly once our children get older, use more food in total than the average family. But when you average out for food costs, and food usage, per person, because of how we buy and cook it in larger batches, I believe we still come out more eco-friendly than the average bear.

CLOTHES

• I estimate that more than 85% of the clothes and shoes we buy are purchased at thrift stores, and some of what we wear is given to us by other families who have outgrown their belongings, or purchased at garage sales. Reusing clothes cast-off by others is by nature eco-conscious.
• I almost never throw out clothes. Ripped/stained t-shirts get turned into t-shirt yarn. Usable parts of old jeans and men’s shirts get washed and turned into adorable baby bibs that I give to friends at baby showers. Clothes in good condition that we can’t/don’t wear get passed on to others, either for free, or via garage sales/online groups. Beaten-up tennis shoes from one child get passed down to the next child to become mud/play shoes. We creatively use and re-use clothing, even when it’s beyond normal use as clothing.
• I’m fairly certain that my maternity clothes have gotten more play than most maternity garments will ever get. 😀
• All of our boy clothing is worn by multiple children. I keep all clothes in usable condition in bins, organized by size. Without using gasoline or landfills, these clothes go on to be worn by 2, 3, 4, or more boys (in fact, occasionally, I’ll put an outfit on Theo, our 5th son, and realize that it was first worn by our 1st son, Ethan, 10+ years ago). It is rare for clothes to last through 5 boys, but it does occasionally happen, especially in the 2T-and-under sizes. When our younger sons reach a new stage, I simply pull out the appropriate-sized bin, and — voila! — they have an instant eco-friendly wardrobe, without a gallon of gas consumed, and without a dollar spent!
• As we only have 1 daughter, so far, her clothes have only been worn by her (except for the occasional loaning out of clothes to friends with little girls), but we have stored them in bins so they can be reused if ever we have another daughter.
• Because we are conscientious about reducing the size/scale of laundry duty, we all wear pants and pajamas 2 times, before putting them in the dirties hamper.

SHELTER & ENERGY COSTS

• When we had 4 children, we had 6 people in our 1400-square-foot apartment, using the same amount of space, and heat as elderly couples and 1- or 2- child families around us. (At that time, we lived overseas in a complex where the building, rather than the individual, regulated the heat-usage for the entire building.) So the same amount of space, rent, and heating bill housed and heated our 6-person family as others did with families 1/2 or 1/3 the size of ours.
• We now have 8-going-on-9 people in a 2600-square-foot house. This may be bigger or smaller than other families’ homes, but by assessing the families on our street, we pack about twice the amount of people into roughly the same amount of square footage. And it takes the same amount of money to pay the mortgage, and same amount of energy to heat a house, whether there are 2, 4, 8, or 10 people living in it. Our mortgage and heating bill won’t cost any more than our neighbors’ will, but it will go to house and warm (on average) double or even triple the amount of human beings.
• Our grass grows just as slow/fast as our neighbors’ yards. Gas for lawn mowing & water-usage to keep the plants growing require roughly the same amount for us, as for them, but considering how many people live here, for yard maintenance, our gas- and water-usage-per-person is dramatically less.

WATER USAGE

• We bathe in bulk. LOL. By that I mean, one tub of bathwater typically goes to clean 3 little boys at a time.
• Because we are bill-conscious, our older kiddos have learned to take quick, efficient showers. (Though perhaps not yet with Frank-Gilbreth-quality efficiency!) We may use more water, in total, than a smaller family, but our water-usage-per-person is likely much lower.
• As homeschoolers, we run the dishwasher twice/day on average, which may seem like a lot to the 4-person family who eats most of their meals out, but considering that this is the sum-total of our dish usage (i.e.,no take-out/fast food trash, no school-lunch trays to wash, no working lunch trash, etc.), it’s actually likely to be far less energy usage and eco-footprint than a much smaller family.

VEHICLE USAGE

• We have 2 used vehicles for 8 people. Both are rarely driven, compared to families among our similar-aged/similar stage peers.
• We purposefully bought a home near my husband’s work so that he could walk to work, and we walk to church, to the library, and to the park.
• We get in the van, on average, 3-5 days a week, and while our van is a 15-passenger large vehicle, we get roughly the same gas mileage as a minivan, (12-15 mpg) but instead of hauling 3-5 people, we haul 8 people in it.
• Because we homeschool, value keeping our schedule as simple as possible, and don’t participate in skads of outside activities, we are rarely in our vehicle.

SCHOOLING MATERIALS

• Almost all of our school materials are reusable, rather than consumable.
• Novels get read dozens of times.
• Because we are home throughout the day, math manipulatives, games, puzzles, and building blocks get used day-in, day-out, all day, by our children. The cost-per-use of these educational items is far less than if these items were sitting on a shelf all day while the children were away from home.
• Our textbooks (which we bought used) get passed down and used with multiple children.

MISCELLANEOUS

• As homeschoolers, we don’t contribute to the gas-usage and exhaust-fumes of driving to/from school each day. While buses and drop-off/pick-up lines are in full swing “out there,” we’re getting our day started at home.
• Because we have begun having our babies at home, our medical “waste” — paper printouts, blood tests, gown washing, etc.– is reduced, per visit & per birth, from what happens in a doctor’s office & hospital. (And trust me, I know about hospital births: I’ve given birth in 5 different hospitals around the world, before beginning to have our babies at home.)
• By not using chemical birth control, I’m not contributing to water pollution (not flushing hormones and harmful chemicals into the rivers and water supply).
• All of our children’s “gear”— baby equipment (pack & play, bouncy seat, floor gym, burp cloths), toys, trampoline, bunk beds, etc.– gets used for many more years, and through many more children, than it would in the “average” American home. The cost per use– cost to manufacture, ship, sell, and ultimately dispose of the item– is dramatically less in our family for virtually every item, simply due to the number of people who use any given item before it is thrown out/given away.

If you know me, you’ll realize this: I’m not saying A WORD of this to “slam” smaller families. I am not someone who believes that others need to look at my life as a prescriptive tutorial for how they should live theirs, or who believes that more children = godlier or better.

Rather, I share these things to offer our experiences, and to answer an oft-asked question/criticism about large families. I think there is often a gross misunderstanding about the ecological impact of life lived as a large family, and hope that this post will further the discussion and serve to shed some light on the subject.

IN THE COMMENTS:

• Did I accomplish my goal of shedding some light on the way our large family lives in an eco-friendly way?
  
• Did I miss listing an important way that large families are surprisingly “green”?
• Anything else you’d add to this discussion?

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Tagged children, eco-footprint, family life, finances, Home, large families, resources, stewardship, sustainability

Awhile ago (actually several years ago–oops!), a reader asked:

I’d love to hear your thoughts/tips on things you do during pregnancy to ease nausea, to get the rest you need, to keep the household running smoothly, etc. 

HOW I DEAL WITH PREGNANCY NAUSEA

First, I should say, I don’t deal with hyperemesis (crazy-terrible nausea/vomiting through pregnancy) like many of my friends have faced, so I am not the gal to consult for that. For those of you who face that difficulty, I offer you my genuine compassion.

I do, however, get a low-level, grating nauseousness that doesn’t go away for the first trimester, and handle it in these ways:

1. I wear sea-bands. Yes they look like 80s work out wrist cuffs. But I seem to be very sensitive to pressure points & massage (as in, I could genuinely feel physical relief in other parts of my body while getting foot reflexology done in Thailand), and they truly help, almost immediately, to cut down on my feelings of nauseousness. I’ve had plenty of friends tell me it doesn’t work a lick for them. But it works for me, so I’ll mention it to you.
2. I eat what I want to, when I want to. And I try to stay in-tune with what my body is really, actually craving. So sometimes that looks like Crispix & milk for many meals-in-a-row, straight. This pregnancy, it looked like a LOT of beef in the first trimester. Other meat wasn’t near as appetizing, and perhaps my body needed iron? I didn’t really want much by way of carbs or sweets, but I craved, and ate, a lot of beef.
3. I lay down and lay low. Commitments and household stuff crawls to a screeching halt and I take a lot of time on non-busy days to rest and be still. For example, kids with schooling questions come to me, while I lay flat on the couch. (More on this, in a minute.)

HOW I GET THE REST I NEED DURING PREGNANCY

1. I go to bed earlier. I’m normally a night-owl. Midnight/1am normally “ain’t no thing” for me. But during pregnancy, it’s not abnormal for me to go to bed hours earlier than that. For the last week, I’ve been in bed by (on average) 10pm. Sometimes 8:30/9. Tonight, as I’m writing this, it’s 30 minutes past midnight. I don’t know what’s come over me, but this is unusual during pregnancy. So. Yeah, I generally go to bed earlier.
2. I take WAY more naps. This is when having a 4 year old who still naps comes in handy. The baby (usually under 2) sleeps for a good 2-3 hours. My 6-and-up crew are responsible enough to watch a video without quarreling, or color/read quietly/play Legos during nap time. This allows me to, when I need it, get a nap with the 4 year old (and allows us to snuggle, hand-in-hand, while we fall asleep together). I also make the most of weekend opportunities when my husband is home. This happens way more during the first trimester, and it’s happened just a handful of times in this second trimester.
3. I’m more willing to thoughtfully use media to help get through the toughest days. Even during pregnancy, we are judicious in the amount and kinds of entertainment our kids take in, but I’m much more likely to allow a Liberty’s Kids, Magic School Bus, or America: The Story of Us marathon session during pregnancy than I am under normal circumstances. Pregnancy is one of the times when excellent, educational, entertaining video series get whipped out in our home, and put to good use.
4. I put careful thought into self-care. I do things that refuel me, rather than zapping my energy, like: taking hot, epsom salt baths 3-5 times a week; springing for the coffee gelato; and pulling back on commitments outside the home.

HOW I KEEP THE HOUSEHOLD RUNNING SMOOTHLY DURING PREGNANCY

1. I snuggle the kids and pour into them from a resting position. By that I mean, I am not as likely to be up and down, doing physical things in the yard with them, but we can definitely snuggle and read a book together. My goal is to meet their emotional and time-together needs even while giving my body as much REST as possible. So instead of acting silly and wrestling on the floor with the toddler, I might pull him up on the couch with me and count his toes, or name body parts and have him repeat after me. The preschooler might climb up to sit beside me and we’ll make silly faces at each other, giggling and tickling and playing silly games. This is not to say I am inactive or sedentary all the time, but I try to make those connecting time with the kiddos a time of rest.
2. I simplify meals as much as possible. Whereas I might normally make meals more varied, during pregnancy (especially early pregnancy), meals like spaghetti-and-meatballs and breakfast burritos get much more “playtime.” It’s all about what’s fast, easy, and filling. Crock pot meals take precedence over multi-step baking/frying/boiling meals. Meals with simple ingredients, with as few steps as possible, win the day.
3. I simplify cleaning as much as possible. Elaborate toy sets get packed away, and we pare down to basic, favorite toys that can easily be sorted & picked up. We clean up as soon as a mess is made. I use paper plates if financially possible at that time, which cuts down on dishes. We have cleaning/pick-up parties where everyone participates and it gets done more quickly. We also have a chore chart (this started when my oldest was around 9-10, as I didn’t find it necessary to keep track of who-did-what before that time), which helps general cleaning tasks to stay on track.
4. I simplify homeschooling as much as possible. This is true of my life in general. I’m not a flashy homeschooler. If you peeked into our home, you wouldn’t be impressed with custom workboxes, fancy gel pens, elaborate science projects, or wildly-creative-journaling assignments. We often learn by reading treasured books aloud together, snuggled in on the couch. I utilize workbooks (which I used to– I’ll admit it– disdain) for things like grammar & punctuation rule acquisition. I plan weeks in advance in their individual planners, and we plug along together. We sit around the living room, with each child working independently as they are able, with individual tutoring/lessons in needed areas, all interspersed with reading aloud. It’s very straightforward and very simple. I don’t throw in Latin, projects involving glue & popsicle sticks, origami, or notebooking.
5. I try to spiritually “tank up.” One of the things I’ve noticed is that it is very easy for me to feel spiritually depleted when we have a newborn if I haven’t been purposeful about “tanking up” while pregnant. When you’re nursing round the clock, even getting to sit through an entire sermon, or have a semi-intelligible conversation with a friend, is a luxury! So during pregnancy, I try to listen to meaty sermons, go in depth with my Bible study, and make time for rich conversations with godly friends. I do as much as I can to chew on spiritual “meat” during the pregnancy so that when the time of postpartum exhaustion comes, I will have spiritual reserves to draw on.
6. I simplify our schedule as much as possible. I don’t sign up for extra commitments, and tend to say “no” to things like homeschool co-ops and playgroups during pregnancy. That’s not always the case, as occasionally I feel up for them, but I really try to evaluate on the front end– can I really, joyfully, see this commitment all the way through? — if not, I say “no.” I have come to the place where I really, really know that I can’t do everything. And so for me there is a guilt-free sense of freedom that comes when I say “no” to even good things so I can have enough margin to joyfully say “yes” to and engage in the best things. 

CONSIDER THESE THINGS SOBERLY & PRAYERFULLY

A lot of this comes down to soberly knowing yourself, what your needs are, and what you are capable of. Prayerfully, sit down with your husband and seek his wisdom in what you should & shouldn’t commit to… what things can go (like more involved meals), and what things can’t.

Different women will have different needs/desires/energy levels (and sometimes, we’re even different from *ourselves* in different seasons), and different husbands will prefer different things, but we all need to rightly evaluate ourselves, our resources, and the gifts and abilities God has given us. 

We all need to carefully steward our bodies and our marriages, children, and homes, and these are some of the ways I’ve tried to do that during seasons of additional exhaustion (like happens with pregnancy).

IN THE COMMENTS:

• Please add your tips/thoughts about how you keep your household running smoothly through exhausting seasons.

Sign up to receive my monthly newsletter, and I’ll send you my FREE book, ONE THING: Top Tip (From a Mom of 6). In it, you’ll learn the top way I:

• BEAT the “Mommy Wars”, and
• HAVE PEACE in my parenting decisions.

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“To glorify someone is to praise, enjoy, and delight in them.” ~Tim Keller

This short tweet stopped me in my tracks. It’s not that I hadn’t heard these ideas before, or didn’t know the definition of glorify.

But, simply, this little definition provides such a practical litmus test for us as believers. Sometimes “glorify God” can seem so ethereal, but this brings it down to the practical level.

WHO DO I PRAISE, ENJOY, AND DELIGHT IN?

This is one of those questions that we all know the “right” answer to. But don’t let your heart leap over to the ease of that “right” answer.

Instead, consider, if a group of objective people was put into a conference room and one of them hit “play” on a compilation soundtrack of your words, written communication, and thoughts, AND could see the hidden motivations behind your choices over the last six months, who would be at the center of your mental focus? 

• Whose praise am I most preoccupied with?
• Whose joy do I seek?
• Who do I place at the center of my delight?

WHO IS IT THAT I’M GLORIFYING?

• MY HUSBAND? –  Is there an inordinate focus on my earthly husband? Do I expect him to fulfill me in ways that only God can? Do I grasp for his praise, his notice, his recognition? Do I primarily derive my joy and delight from him? Do his moods and actions lead me on a roller coaster of emotions and moods?
• MY CHILDREN?  – Are they the people I most wholeheartedly praise and seek to please? Do their successes or failures puff me up high with pride or bring me down low with despair? Am I wrapped up in their doings, hurts, and successes?
• SOMEONE ELSE? Perhaps a friend, boss, or someone I look up to? Perhaps a celebrity or author?
• ME? – Am I ultimately a praise-seeker, pursuing my own self-focused “kingdom,” and delighting in the things that please and promote me? Are my own ways, ease, and desires the center of my focus?

Who is it that I praise, enjoy, and delight in?

• Think back to that soundtrack of your mind– would an honest evaluation of your moment-by-moment thoughts point to Christ, or to someone/something else, at the center?

I suspect that, in that room where all our thoughts, actions, words, and motivations were laid bare, very few of us could honestly answer, “Christ is consistently at the center. Christ is who I most praise, enjoy, and delight in.”

While some of us may find that our praise and joys rest on others, for most of us, I would imagine that our commitment to our own promotion, success, and happiness is what looms largest in the priorities of our hearts.

When our joy terminates on an individual (even if it is the individual of “self”), it is an unsustainable joy. Only God can bear up under the weight of continual praise and glory. It would crush anyone else to be at the center of our affections and expectations in that way.

When I see myself and my heart motivations in this light, it makes me want to fight harder against worship of anything other than Christ.

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Tagged Contentment, joy, King Jesus, Kingdom of God, Kingdom of Self, praise and worship, selfishness, thought life, thoughts, trust God

Young woman, I am so sorry.

The world you are growing up in WILL, if you let it:

•  strip away your God-given unique beauty (and yes, I am including the freckles, big feet, hook nose, birthmark, broad shoulders, etc… in those words, “unique beauty”).
• teach you to perpetually alter your posture or camera angle so that anything deemed unflattering goes unseen.
• teach you to adjust who you actually are into the image that you have been led to believe that others desire to see.
• encourage you to present the sexiest version of yourself, as if it is your sexual appeal which determines your value… as if it is your physical form which is the most important thing about you.
• teach you how to do your make-up so that you cease to look like you, and start looking like a generic, photo-shopped mannequin of a person, with no pores, melanin, or hairs out of place.

This world will seek to convince you that the Sovereign God who created every flower and contour of this world made a mistake when He formed the shapes and colors of your eyes, cheeks, jawline, and nose… when He gave you your skin tone and hair color and bone structure.

This world seeks to teach you to believe that IT knows better than your Creator what you should look like. And that ultimately, what you look like is not OK.

And I am so sorry.

Oh, yes, it happened “in my day” too. It happened in Jane Austen’s day. It happened in Esther’s day.

But the speed and pressure with which it occurs now is frightening to me. Because, without active resistance, the place where all of that pressure, and all of those airbrushed images, and all of those messages converge will be IN YOUR GOD-GIVEN HEART. 

Young woman, let me encourage you to actively, intentionally resist.

Without resisting these messages, that soft, fleshy place that God gave you to sort out truth from lies will become a place that torments you from the inside and feeds you lies that diminish the unique beauty God gave to you.

WANNA HEAR THE TRUTH?

Do you know– I mean, know– KNOW down to the depths of your soul:

Are you able to cast off those cultural messages and embrace this truth of God? It’s hard… I know it is. But do you believe it? That your inner beauty is infinitely more important than your outward appearance?

Do you see the wisdom of God in the differences in our noses? Or our toeses or elbowses?

The shape of our lips and the size of our hips?

He is so infinitely wise & He has designed you, just the way you are. The variety of noses and toeses and hips and lips SCREAM of His creative power and sovereign arrangement of the entire universe.

The way you can best glorify God is to be the way He made you.

The most beautiful you can be is to be the woman He made.

SO WHAT ABOUT MAKE-UP?

I wear make-up. Don’t take this as a post dogging make-up. But if you use make-up, prudently use it to look like you. I have 3 items of makeup that I wear (when I wear it), and it takes me under 3 minutes to put on. I know godly women who wear more or less than that.

It is not so much using it that matters. It is the PURPOSE that matters… the WAY THAT IT’S USED.

As you put on make-up:

• Consider the effect you have on you — Are you convincing yourself, daily, that you need more and more prep and primping just to be attractive and “presentable? And that you can’t go out or be seen without it? — and
• Consider the effect you have on others. — The more you wear, the more you are working (even unintentionally) to convince others that they, too, need to join this culture of contortion in order to look dramatically different from how God has made us.

Please don’t live under the pressure of making yourself over to look like someone utterly different.

Please don’t believe that erasing your uniqueness is beautiful.

Plastic people, in layers of fraudery, contorted into non-realistic positions, do not actually exist.

Even when they snap the picture, they don’t actually look like that in the flesh.

When the layers of make up come off, the fake lashes are washed down the drain, and the spanx are peeled off and back in the drawer, what they are left with is the same as what all of us have: a soul that is growing in one of two directions– either more beautiful, more like Christ, or more selfish, more ugly, and less like our Savior.

Much more important than the shape of your nose or size of your eyelashes is the shape and size of your SOUL.

THREE PIECES OF GOOD NEWS

(1) One good thing that I see coming from this plasticization of the world around us is this: the inward spirit of a godly woman becomes infinitely more precious and rare. When a fake outward form becomes the standard of beauty, the rare inward beauty of God’s woman can shine all the brighter.

When we, as women who all look outwardly different from one another come together to grow in Christ, let me tell you the beautiful thing that happens. Each unique outward expression of God’s amazing, infinite creativity, becomes conformed NOT to an outward picture of ever-changing, opinion-based beauty, but instead conforms INWARDLY to the perfect, unchanging, incomparable image of Christ.

It is astounding! While the world expects outward conformity, the way God asks us to change is inwardly. And His way is possible no matter your age or physical form!

(2) God put you in exactly this place at exactly this time. Acts 17:26 says, “From one man He has made every nationality to live over the whole earth and has determined their appointed times and the boundaries of where they live.” There is peace in that, isn’t there? God means for you to be right here, in this ridiculous and contorted culture, shining as brilliant lights that show the world what TRUE beauty is all about. 

(3) Though it’s hard to believe when you are 17 and feel invincible, your outward appearance will waste away. This is actually a good thing to come to terms with. But 2 Corinthians 4:6 offers us great encouragement: “we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.”

I’m 35 today. Maybe twice your age. And you know what? My outward appearance is starting to waste away. It’s happening. Look at the evidence (I took this make-up-less pic of the multiplying lines on my face just for you) —–>

But I am more…

… and hear me: YOU ARE MORE…

…than what is outwardly true about us.

Whatever’s happening outwardly, inwardly, if we are in Christ, we are “being renewed, DAY BY DAY.” More like Christ. More joyful. More wise. More filled with the depths of His word.

As we look less to the things that are seen, and more to the eternal, even after our youth and beauty fade, we are made more beautiful EACH day!

• Will you knit your heart to this truth and reject the messages of the world around you?

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Tagged attractiveness, beauty, conformity to Christ, identity, sexiness, social media, Young woman

Several years ago, I was able to take a basic biblical counseling class, and one of the sessions focused in on the “Anti-Psalm.” This exercise was a challenge for us to better understand what a text is saying by carefully thinking through the exact opposite meaning.

It can be very insightful to look at the “opposite” of what we say we believe, and see how much we (unfortunately) identify with the very ideas we claim not to believe. It’s also an excellent way to clarify the positive meaning of a text.

Today, I want to do that with the Proverbs 31 woman. You may remember my recent series about this oft-misunderstood gal. Let me remind you of the basic framework we need to properly understand this woman, and this passage:

Proverbs 31 provides a model of what a life well-lived could look like. This is not a snapshot of a young mom “doing it all”/”having it all”. It’s descriptive, rather than prescriptive. This life-in-review chapter describes what a God-fearing woman is and does (over the long-haul) for the family God has given her and the people around her.

Rather than seeing it as a guilt-producing chapter, this could be a clarion call to point to some areas where God can bring about growth in our lives.

With that understanding, then, (not as a guilt-trip, but as something we can use to lay ourselves bare before God and ask Him for direction about where we should be growing), let’s look at this “Opposite of the Proverbs 31 Woman:”

A terrible wife is a dime a dozen.
She is common– easily found.
Her husband feels tense; his heart is never fully at rest around her. She blows through his resources and squanders his contributions. There’s never anything left over, to invest or to give. The tight finances point to a larger reality: he can’t really trust her.
She spends more time and energy tearing him down than building him up. Every day of her whole life is spent making him worse off.
She sits around, aimlessly waiting for opportunities. Her hands are idle, because nothing magically comes her way on its own.
She does the bare minimum necessary to contribute to the nourishment and care of her family (and sometimes, not even that!). She can’t be expected to go to great lengths to bless her household.
She sleeps in, and uses her time poorly. Her household often gets to mealtime without anything planned or prepared.
She buys things on a whim– spending money on possessions rather than purposeful, long-range investments.
She’s weak-willed and weak-bodied, and thus, unwilling and unable to do the things God has put on her plate.
Her efforts are spent unprofitably, on things that don’t bring fruit.
If she’s up late, she’s doing impractical, useless things or spending her free time as “me time.”
Her skills are few, if any, and what she does do is careless and done poorly.
She can’t afford to be generous. The money’s all gone because she’s spent it on other things.
Her heart and hands are turned inward. Whatever her words say, the result of her actions and inaction reveal that her own desires eclipse the needs of others in her heart.
The thought of tragedy or difficulty makes her anxious and fearful because she hasn’t properly prepared her home, her family, and herself for these possibilities.
She doesn’t actively put her mind and creativity to work on improving the basic, everyday things in her home.
Her husband is ridiculed and thought ill of in their community because of how poorly she’s talked about him. Others don’t respect him, because his wife doesn’t either.
She spends her time and energies aimlessly and fruitlessly.
She puts money in the pockets of merchants, rather than the other way around.
Weakness, irresponsibility, and indecency are her clothing.
She churns with anxiety and fear about the future.
Her words are foolish; people around her are negatively influenced by her cynicism and critical attitude. Bitterness and judgments about others regularly spew from her lips.
She’s stressed and concerned about all manner of things, but oblivious to the realities of what’s happening inside her own heart and home. There, her exhaustion and stress boil over into laziness and inaction.
Her children rise up and can’t wait to get away from her. They curse her.
Her husband also, and he can’t find anything good to say.
A woman who fears the Lord is to be praised,
But this woman’s charm is deceitful, and her beauty is in vain.
Her hands are fruitless, and leave her nothing to enjoy or be praised for.

So…

… after writing that, I feel a little exposed, and challenged in a few areas. How about you?

Looking at the opposite of this Proverbs 31 woman causes me to realize some areas where I need to grow. 

SHAME VS. CONVICTION

But let’s make sure (at all times, not just now) that we’re operating out of biblical conviction rather than guilt/shame. God hasn’t given me (or you) everything in the whole world to work on, right this minute– every flaw, every fear, every weakness. When we feel a general sense of shame or humiliation, that is not from God.

God doesn’t shame. He convicts.

So let’s not operate out of shame. But as you read through the “anti-Proverbs-31,” there probably is one thing that stands out (or maybe two?).

When God’s Spirit convicts us, there is specificity (rather than a vague, dull sense of embarrassment, pain, or “not measuring up”) and there is hope. He does not leave us to flounder and “produce” growth on our own. His Spirit stands with us, working inside of us, enabling the very obedience He desires.

Colossians 1:29 is one of my favorite verses. It says:

“I toil, struggling with all his energy that he powerfully works within me.”

My husband Doug calls this the “bike pedal” of faith. I push one side, and the Spirit pushes the other. I can’t pedal the bike forward with my one side (without the Spirit’s help), and He won’t magically make the bike go without effort on my part.

But together, with me toiling with His energy, and His energy powerfully working within me, there is forward motion.

THE REALITY OF PROVERBS 31

The good news is this: the opposite of the Proverbs 31 woman is not the final story. If you re-read the anti-Proverbs 31 alongside the real Proverbs 31, you’ll find hope, and perhaps be able to put your finger on a specific area where God may be calling you to grow.

An excellent wife who can find?
    She is far more precious than jewels.
The heart of her husband trusts in her,
    and he will have no lack of gain.
She does him good, and not harm,
    all the days of her life.
She seeks wool and flax,
    and works with willing hands.
She is like the ships of the merchant;
    she brings her food from afar.
She rises while it is yet night
    and provides food for her household
    and portions for her maidens.
She considers a field and buys it;
    with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.
She dresses herself with strength
    and makes her arms strong.
She perceives that her merchandise is profitable.
    Her lamp does not go out at night.
She puts her hands to the distaff,
    and her hands hold the spindle.
She opens her hand to the poor
    and reaches out her hands to the needy.
She is not afraid of snow for her household,
    for all her household are clothed in scarlet.
She makes bed coverings for herself;
    her clothing is fine linen and purple.
Her husband is known in the gates
    when he sits among the elders of the land.
She makes linen garments and sells them;
    she delivers sashes to the merchant.
Strength and dignity are her clothing,
    and she laughs at the time to come.
She opens her mouth with wisdom,
    and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
She looks well to the ways of her household
    and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children rise up and call her blessed;
    her husband also, and he praises her:
“Many women have done excellently,
    but you surpass them all.”
Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,
    but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
Give her of the fruit of her hands,
    and let her works praise her in the gates.

So if there is conviction rising in your heart, what specific area is God putting His finger on that might need work? 

• Perhaps it’s the “getting to mealtime without a plan of action” thing.
• Maybe it’s a habit of buying things on a whim?
• Or perhaps you’ve habitually criticized or teased your husband in public settings.

What one thing could you do, today, in God’s Spirit, differently than you did yesterday, to grow in a Godward direction?

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Tagged anxiety, Bible passages, conviction, Do the Next Thing, family life, Fear, finances, Generosity, God SEES, heart change, Home, home management, homemaker, intentionality, laziness, marriage, meal planning, mom, Proverbs 31, relationships, stress, wife

Recently, on an older post about exhaustion, I received this comment:

“I don’t want to offend anyone but why do people keep having more kids if they are already exhausted with 1 or 2 they do have?”

There are so many answers I could give, but for me, it all boils down to this:

Anything of value is exhausting.

Planting and keeping a garden.
Business ventures. Writing and publishing a book.

Raising animals. Developing strong relationships. Maintaining a healthy body.
Learning a useful skill or earning a degree.

And yes, having and raising children.

A COMMON ATTITUDE, OFT-UNSPOKEN

I don’t want to come down too hard on this anonymous commenter, because I think this question comes from a common feeling in our culture. I’ve heard it asked from a variety of angles:

• Why would you keep having kids if they’re so tiring?
• Why would you have so many kids if it keeps you from owning nice things?
• Why would you want more kids if you’re not going to be able to pay for them all to attend college?
• Why would you have more kids when they’re so expensive?

We’re all fed these ideas from different sources. From our parents. From our friends

Even, sometimes, from our pulpits.

And certainly, from the media. Multiple times a year, Yahoo! presents me with a headline, wanting me to click on an article, that will give me some egghead’s latest calculations of how much it takes to raise a child. And it’s always an eye-poppingly HUGE amount.

As a mom of six-going-on-seven children, let me tell you how much kids cost: NOT THAT MUCH. Well, not after the first kid of each gender. And even the first kid of each gender can require a wildly divergent amount, dependent NOT on the child, but on the parent.

A child is just as happy to play in 75 cent slightly-faded t-shirts from a thrift store as he is to play in an on-trend $35 one from Gymboree. He doesn’t care if his carseat, nursing cover, and playmat are decked out in the latest pattern, last year’s chevron stripes, or the geometric print with giraffes on it from several years back.

It is usually the parent’s preferences, rather than the child’s, that makes ‘having a child’ expensive or not.

BUT WHAT ABOUT HOW *TIRING* THEY ARE?

Yes, children are tiring.

You know, though, I still remember: I was tired after having my first. It took me about six months to feel anywhere near “normal,” and even then, it wasn’t the same “normal” I’d had before having him. I was tired. The workload was far more than I’d anticipated. The wear and tear on my body (which was larger than it had ever been) was considerable.

If I’d let being “tired” stop me, I’d have missed out (and the world would have missed out, and their future friends and spouses would have missed out) on the additional five-going-on-six wonderful people God has placed in our family. Their humor. Their creativity. Their curious engagement with the world around them. Their hard work ethics and the way they bless our neighbors and friends. Their unique skills and perspective on the world.

If “tired” was what controlled our decision-making, we all would have missed out on one-of-a-kind gifts from God.

There’s a parable about the “treasure hidden in the field”– the treasure is the Kingdom of God, and once the man finds the treasure, he does all he needs to do, selling possessions, and making whatever arrangements necessary, to obtain that treasure.

It’s like that with anything we truly value.

When you find something wonderfully valuable, tiredness doesn’t really have a whole lot to do with whether or not you pursue that thing. When I wanted a degree in political science, sleepless nights of study and preparation didn’t keep me from it. When we wanted to live in DC, the fact that the apartment we could afford was an hour’s metro ride and a 2-mile round-trip walk didn’t discourage us. When we wanted to move abroad, the very real prospects of jet lag, culture stress, weariness, and raising our children without family nearby didn’t keep us from following through.

When we value something, we do whatever it takes. Exhaustion shouldn’t dissuade us from pursuing what is worthwhile.

WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE ABOUT CHILDREN?

Much of this, honestly, comes back not to tiredness, but to what you think about kids.

And this isn’t a big-family thing. This is a heart-level thing for any of us to consider. Whether you have 0, 1, 5, or 25, how do you view children?

Here’s how Doug & I view them:

• They are precious eternal souls.
• They are each unique creations of God, created for His purpose and glory.
• They are gifts from God that we must steward well, and raise with sobriety and humble dependence on God.
• We are richer, having them in our lives, than we could ever be without them, whatever our financial state.

And the other truth, specifically about exhaustion, is this:

I was tired with one. I was tired with two. I was, perhaps, the most tired with four kids six and under. And now, yes, guess what?, I’m tired with six-going-on-seven.

But you know what? While my body is tired (and I think that’s true of most 34 year old moms, no matter the number of children in their home), my work load is LIGHTER now than it was when I was 6 years younger, with 2 less children.

How so? Because I’ve gotten better at managing the things God has given, and I’ve also trained up little people who are beginning to contribute to the home management, rather than solely being consumers.

The story is never over on your tiredest day.

God gives grace to the humble, and strength to the weary, and new mercies each morning. He deals gently with those who are with young. He has been so kind to us, and I’ve experienced His fathering and sanctification through these wonderful gifts He’s given.

Exhaustion, tiredness, is not the end of the story.

God… His mercy… His goodness… His sufficiency– HE is the end of the story.

MY ANSWER TO “WHY?”

These are some of the reasons why I keep having kids, even though I was tired with the one or two I had, and even though I’m tired with the (six) I have.

Though my human supply (of energy and money) is limited, my God supplies every need and gives such great joy through these children that He gives, that I am willing and even (sometimes) eager to have more. They are a treasure to me, and each one of them will (I pray) make eternal contributions to this world. Above all of that, my incredible, merciful God gives grace in my moment of need.

God’s grace, rather than my human exhaustion, provides the answer to this question. 

Thanks, anonymous reader, for asking an honest question, and for giving me the opportunity to contemplate more deeply the “whys” behind our choices.

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Tagged children, children are a blessing, Eternal Perspective, exhaustion, family life, God’s goodness, Grace, mom, motherhood, parenting, tiredness

I still remember those mornings laying in bed, paralyzed with fear, staring at the creaks coming from the ceiling over my head. We’d just purchased a 30-year-old home in the country, and my husband left for work by five each morning. The attic creaks had me “convinced” (though I would regularly rationalize myself back into reality) that a homeless man had taken up residence in our attic, and meant us harm. (Maybe a similar plot line I’d seen on CSI helped convince me, too… ugh!)

That fear was irrational, and fueled by fixing my mind on something fearful (the TV show).

But not all fears are irrational. Sometimes they “make sense” to our human brains. There are fears that many would say are “natural” for us to feel. But, “God has not given us a spirit of fear.”

Instead, we are called to have faith… so what is it that moves us from fear to faith?

This morning, I read through the Hebrews 11 chapter, sometimes called “The Hall of Faith.”

It begins with, “Faith is…”

The whole thing starts with the definition: “the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.”

What I noticed on this read-through was the thing that moved each one of them toward God.

It wasn’t that these men and women didn’t face truly fearful things: 

• A coming deluge that would wipe out the world
• The death of your only son
• Having a baby at 91 years old (I mean, put down your Bible knowledge & actually THINK about that. Have you ever seen a ninety-one year old woman? Now imagine it– A BABY… at NINETY-ONE years old. Labor… at NINETY-ONE years old. That is terrifying.)
• Giving up riches and power for identity with a hated, enslaved people
• Your back against the sea, and a fearsome army on your heels
• The city and civilization you love and know falling down around you

They faced really fearful things.

But yet… they were commended for their faith. (In fact, in 1 Peter, we are told that we are Sarah’s daughters if we, “do not fear anything that is frightening.”)

How did they do it? 

We’re given glimpses of it throughout the chapter:

• “By faith Noah, being warned by God concerning events as yet unseen, in reverent fear constructed an ark…”
• “[Abraham] went out, not knowing where he was going. By faith he went to live in the land of promise… For he was looking forward to the city that has foundations, whose designer and builder is God.”
• “By faith Sarah herself received power to conceive, even when she was past the age, since she considered Him faithful who had promised.”
• “By faith Abraham… offered up Isaac… He considered that God was able even to raise him from the dead.”
• “By faith Moses refused to be called the son of Pharoah’s daughter… He considered the reproach of Christ greater wealth than the treasures of Egypt, for he was looking to the reward.“

And then the author of Hebrews brings it home for us:

“Therefore, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.” (Hebrews 12:1-2)

We will stop operating in fear, and move into faith, when we set our eyes and fix our hearts on future joy in God. 

It’s a matter of where we’re looking.

If we are laying in bed with our eyes fixed on the ceiling… a cancer diagnosis… a broken relationship… our lives in rubble around us, our throat constricts and fear rises. If we’re looking to the immovable, dependable God who saves… the One who makes beauty from ashes… who offers eternal reconciliation and peace… who has built a future city where joy will be ours, we can, like Christ, “endure” the crosses put in our path, “for the joy” set before us.

When you look at the events of your life, especially those things that threaten to drown you in a sea of fear, where are you looking? 

Are you looking at the frightening thing, or are your eyes (and is your heart) fixed on the joy-giving God who is bigger than anything that is frightening?

Sign up to receive my monthly newsletter, and I’ll send you my FREE book, ONE THING: Top Tip (From a Mom of 6). In it, you’ll learn the top way I:

• BEAT the “Mommy Wars”, and
• HAVE PEACE in my parenting decisions.

SIGN UP now & I’ll send it your way: Posted in Grow as a Disciple, Grow as a Woman
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