December 2013 – Jess Connell

Ever read Genesis 3?

It’s the chapter where sin enters the picture. One verse previous, Adam and Eve are frolicking in the perfect garden God crafted for them, naked and unashamed. But by Chapter 3, everything goes awry.

Genesis 3 teaches me, frames my theology, and makes me long to walk with God in Heaven.

One thing I read there is haunting– it stands as a warning to you and I. It’s in verse 17, just after Eve is told that having babies is gonna hurt:

To Adam he said, “Because you have listened to the voice of your wife and have eaten of the tree of which I commanded you, ‘You shall not eat of it,’ cursed is the ground because of you…”

Did you catch that first reason listed?

It’s terrifying, isn’t it?

Can you imagine God speaking of the advice and counsel you’ve given your husband and saying that because he listened to you, he, his work, and the entire world and everyone who ever lives in it, will be cursed?

“Because you listened to the voice of your wife…”

As married women of God, we must soberly evaluate the counsel we give to our husbands.

Today I am asking myself, and I encourage you to consider:

Are my words to my husband infused with wisdom from Scripture?
Do I encourage him to walk in the Spirit or in the flesh?
Does my voice motivate and encourage him, or tear him down?
Can he rely on the counsel I give, knowing I don’t speak out of temptation or emotion?
Can his heart trust in me?

How is God teaching and growing you in the area of being a godly counselor for your husband?

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Tagged marriage, wife

At this point, I’m convinced I should walk around with caution tape wrapped around me as a visible symbol to everyone I encounter:

WARNING, WARNING, WARNING!!!

DO NOT GO INTO THIS CONVERSATION WITH GREAT EXPECTATIONS. In fact, just DIAL THOSE EXPECTATIONS BACK TO A FLAT ZERO and then I might– possibly– have the opportunity to impress you, or at the very least, meet your expectations.

THE WOMAN YOU ARE ABOUT TO ENGAGE IS EXTREMELY TIRED. She may make conversational topic leaps that make perfect sense inside her tired brain but appear nonsensical to you. She is talked out and touched out.

SHE HAS ABOUT 1.25 mL OF “EXTRA” TO GIVE OVER THE COURSE OF A WEEK (which, chances are, she’s already doled out). APPROACH WITH GRACE AND CAUTION.“

I am extremely blessed and thankful for my family, and wouldn’t trade them for anything. Nonetheless, speaking truthfully, I have never felt so taxed as I have this last five-year period of my life.

Granted:

there are six kids running around my house,
all of whom I birthed,
one of whom I birthed in this very home, ten months ago.
We homeschool
and have moved five times (once transatlantic) in the last five years.

You may be thinking, “Duh, Captain Obvious. Of course you’re taxed!”

I can identify with Sally Clarkson‘s description,

“I was living a life of ideals that most of my old friends didn’t believe in and few understood, so often loneliness and lack of support were my companions.”

Though I often feel alone and unsupported, I’m not really alone. I think this is a particular “flash point” for homeschooling moms, for stay-home-moms of all little ones, and for anyone who goes about life with non-stop responsibilities without the “release” valve regularly being pushed.

BEING “ALWAYS ON” AFFECTS ME IN THESE 6 WAYS

Because I’m always “on,” I find many of these things to be true about me:

I’m not acting like “myself” lately. Or, at least not the “self” I’ve always known. Even though I’m an extrovert, I *act* like an introvert at times when I’m out in public. (Not always, but often. Especially for a pretty strong extrovert like me, it surprises me how little I sometimes connect when I’m out in public.)
I don’t feel like talking. My mom and I discovered this recently. She’s an introvert, but is currently on medical leave from her job. Consequently, she gets oodles of time by herself, and she’s acting quite extroverted right now. I, on the other hand, have a house full of people all the time, who talk to me all the time… and I’m acting introverted much of the time. We both get so much of what is our typical “need” met that at this time, we feel greater need for the opposite, in order to balance out our lives. I have had to choose to be comfortable in my own “skin,” even when it feels different than it used to.
It takes me a while to warm up in a crowd. Whereas I used to jump into social events ready to engage, it takes me a good 30-60 minutes after leaving our full-of-life home to mentally shift to engaging with others, and even then I often do a shoddy job of social interaction. I am growing to accept this about myself, for this season.
My conversations are a mess. When I *do* manage to sneak in an adult conversation, I often get home and find as I reanalyze the conversation that I completely misunderstood someone’s meaning, or that the comment I made was unrelated to the topic at hand but somehow in my brain it made sense at the time. I don’t want to overstate this as if I’m some mumbling idiot, but more often than I used to, I find that my mouth has fumbled through a conversation and I realize it after the fact.
I am having to ask forgiveness from people way more often than I used to. My brain is more tired, and my body is more tired. I don’t know if it’s that I’m sinning more, or more aware of my sin… but either way, I am being regularly humbled. That stings, but I know that this too is for my good.
I forget to do things that used to be natural to me, in relationship. For example, I forget to follow-up about something going on in a friend’s life. In fact, sometimes my plate is so full I completely forget about an event/situation in someone else’s life. (Two weeks ago, I forgot that a friend’s dad had had a stroke until after I’d spoken to her at church. *Headslap!*) Grace, grace… I need it so badly.

PREOCCUPIED, CONSTANTLY: WHEN THE MIND IS FULL

Years ago, a mentor of mine– a busy mom with a large family– shared that a woman she’d gone to church with for a decade approached her and this was the conversation that followed

“Have I done something to offend you?”
My friend shook her head, and answered, “No… Why? Have I acted offended to you?”
The woman looked down, unsure but clearly wounded, “For years I have passed you in the halls and you always have a glassy look in your eyes, looking down as you walk, like you’re deliberately avoiding looking at me. What have I done?”

My friend (a busy mom with a large family) explained,

“I’m so sorry! I can’t believe it’s gone on this long and you’ve thought I was avoiding you. When you see me running back and forth, glassy-eyed, to the nursery or to go make copies for my husband or whatever, I am mentally running through the things I have to do, the kid I need to pick up, the diaper bag I forgot in the car, the conversation I had with my preteen on the way here, the fact that I only put eyeliner on one eye, or whatever.

I have absolutely not one thing against you. It just makes me sad that it took this long for me to clear it up.”

I think back to that sometimes, and it gives me comfort. Sometimes we all have times where we are off our game. She was in a season. I am in a season too. Seasons are for a time, and then they pass and give way to something new.

HOW I HANDLE IT IN THE HERE AND NOW

Well, obviously I don’t always handle it super-well. I’m not coming to you as a soul care guru who has mastered the art of social interaction whilst feeling overwhelmed.

I still feel mentally preoccupied, physically touched-out, and emotionally like I have nothing much to offer, a good portion of the time.

I’m still me in my head and heart, but I’m afraid that if I was to evaluate myself objectively, watching a camera reel of my social interactions with others, I would probably see a lot of holes and weird spots, and what I see most likely wouldn’t resemble much of the woman I am in my heart and head.

Wrapping myself in caution tape as a visual cue to everyone I meet might not be THAT bad of an idea.

Barring that, here are 6 ways I’ve handled it:

STAY IN SCRIPTURE. I haven’t done this one enough lately, and I am actively working on it. But when I’m in scripture, I am refueling spiritually, and God is faithful to teach us what we need for a given time in our lives. So even if I feel physically or emotionally depleted, my spiritual tank is full and I’m walking in the Spirit.
ADJUST MY EXPECTATIONS & remind myself of this (temporary) new normal. Before I go to an event, particularly if it’s one I’ve been looking forward to, I have to dial back my expectations of myself. I used to be able to go to a church fellowship, for example, and successfully touch base with a lot of people, and walk away recharged. Now, I’m more likely to get one conversation in, and later realize I said or did something awkward. Or sometimes I get to the end of the event and realize I only interacted at surface level and wish I would have gone deeper. If I have lofty expectations of myself, I’ll walk away disappointed that I didn’t get to connect with people, when in reality, I did the best I could in the moment.
MY HUSBAND URGES ME TO CARE FOR ME. I’m thankful that Doug encourages me to do the things that will recharge (and not deplete) me. For example, before I head out the door to enjoy time with friends, he’ll say, “Sit by someone like ______, ______, or ______ (suggesting close friends)– take advantage of this time with them. Have a good time!” I so appreciate those reminders because sometimes the mental fog really doesn’t let me “go there” until after the fact.
OCCASIONALLY, REMIND OTHERS ABOUT THIS MOM-EXHAUSTION-REALITY. I have been known to say things like, “I’m sorry, but I’m not very good for having a real conversation while my kids are running around on Sunday morning. You’re welcome to come by and chat during their naptime from 2-4 sometime this week.” Or if I feel eyes on me as I’m glazing over, walking to the nursery, I’ll meet their gaze and say, “Oh! I’m in my own little world. Sorry about that! How are you?”
ASK FOR TIME WHEN YOU NEED IT. Sally Clarkson has said, “Be assertive and tell your husband your needs. He is there to do life with you.” YES!!! I’m thankful for a husband who tries to care for me. Still, he’s not a mind-reader. We both have to work extra for me to get some time “off,” but it’s worth it, so we’re learning to plan for it.
USE RECHARGE OPPORTUNITIES WISELY. When Doug makes a point to give me some time to myself, or when the opportunity comes to get together with friends, I try to be extremely selective about what I “spend” myself on. I have less “extra” to spend than I used to have, so I have to be much more thoughtful about where it will go. Lord willing, the day will come when the kids will be out of the house and I’ll have more than ample opportunity for regular times “out and about” with friends. But right now, when I have a few free hours, I need to only do those things that will really recharge me, or in some way contribute to my emotional/spiritual/physical health. This requires that I carefully evaluate my choices so that I don’t expend energy in unhelpful, depleting ways.

IN THE COMMENTS, PLEASE SHARE:

Have you ever felt this way?
How do you find ways to recharge during these busy, tired days of always-on mothering?

PLEASE share in the comments. I want to hear from you!

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Tagged Contentment, Discontentment, Do the Next Thing, Eternal Perspective, family life, God SEES, homemaker, homeschooling, mom, parenting

Isaiah is one of my favorite books of the Bible. So much truth about God. So much honesty about the fallibility of man. So many promises that strengthen faith. Consider this:

God has built rhythms into our lives.

The cold ice-death of winter is followed by the buds of spring. The heat of a Texas summer relents into the pleasant sunny breezes of autumn.

After a storm, comes the rebuilding.

After the pain, even if the pain has been that of the Heavenly surgeon’s careful scalpel, making loving yet still painful cuts in our lives… after the pain, comes the healing.

In a human economy, anything painful is cut off. Pushed away. Quarantined. Even killed. But in God’s economy, He takes what is painful and brings new life.

Our God turns mourning to dancing.

Even if we are still in mourning, we can rest, knowing that dancing– DANCING– is coming.

He turns ashes to beauty.

Even if we are carefully sifting through the ashes, looking for anything we can salvage from the fire, our heart can find solace in His certain-coming BEAUTY.

When we can’t even find the words to describe our heartache, the purity and dependability of His promises shine bright and give vision in that dark place. I don’t know where you are, but I am clinging to the One named “Faithful and True.” His promises comfort the heart, even in our greatest pain. His Emmanuel closeness, walking with us through the fire, gives surprising joy in the hardest places.

Whether you are now in the glow of a warm and delightful time, or through tears, sifting through the ashes, I pray this for you:

As you walk, may you be given a glimpse of the “new things” He is doing in your life. May this bring joy in the certain-coming redemptive beauty from our God, who makes all things new.

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Tagged beauty from ashes, God is FAITHFUL, Scripture, suffering

Last night I got up out of bed because I remembered this wonderful advice– I needed it and my soul wouldn’t rest until I found it and reminded myself of these truths. Perhaps you need it too?

I’ve added some Scripture references for each point, for further meditation.

PRESCRIPTION FOR CONTENTMENT:

Never allow yourself to complain about anything – not even the weather. (Philippians 2:14, Ephesians 4:29, Numbers 11:1-4, James 1:2-4, Proverbs 17:22)
Never picture yourself in any other circumstances or someplace else. (Philippians 4:11-12)
Never compare your lot with another’s. (Isaiah 53:7, Matthew 7:1-2)
Never allow yourself to wish this or that had been otherwise. (Numbers 11:1-4, 1 Corinthians 10:9-10, 1 Thessalonians 5:18, Ephesians 5:20, Psalm 103:2)
Never dwell on tomorrow – remember that [tomorrow] is God’s, not ours. (Romans 12:2, Romans 15:13, Colossians 3:15)

This was taken from Linda Dillow’s excellent book, Calm My Anxious Heart: A Woman’s Guide to Finding Contentment, as something she learned from a woman who lived in the African bush in the mid-20th-century, who had to fight daily for contentment and kept these things as her standard for where she would let her thoughts dwell. This is not advice from the lofty tower… this is down and dirty advice for fighting for contentment in the difficulties of everyday life.

It helped me for YEARS when I had it up on my fridge… I think I will put it up somewhere in my bathroom now. I love coming across wisdom like this, and hope it encourages and challenges you, like it does me.

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Tagged Contentment, Eternal Perspective, God is FAITHFUL, intentionality, suffering

One of the things I love most about home education is this:

You can wait for understanding and move through material with MASTERY as the goal.

There is no need to “plow onward” to keep on pace with the rest of the class. You look at what your child is grasping and retaining, and assess what he/she is capable of, and move at his/her pace.

MOVE AT THE CHILD’S PACE

I do this a LOT with maths… some kids “get” the “add 8 + 7, write down the 5, carry the 1 to the tens column” thing on the first day I present the concept. Some need a week to practice. Some need more. Some kids “get” simple multiplication quickly. Others need weeks (or months) of practice, math games, explanation, and practice with manipulatives, and examples of mom working problems over and over and over again.

So we move at the child’s pace.

Doing it that way is not “unschooling.” Rather, it is moving at the pace at which the child is ready to tackle and succeed.

So if a child is struggling, you pause and review and work it from different angles, and sometimes abandon the subject altogether for 3-6 months to give time for maturity and growth before expecting mastery. But, on the flipside, there are some times where the math book or phonics lessons will suggest 10 lessons of review on a particular thing and your child will “get it” on the first go. So then you go faster at that point.

THE MYTH OF AGE = SAME

Human beings don’t learn things at exactly the same pace, according to their age.

In a group classroom setting, the fact that we all learn different things at different rates can lead to some kids feeling dumb, some kids fading into the background, some kids feeling arrogant and “bored” because they get a concept quicker than the other kids. It can lead to labels and judgments.

I remember. I think back to growing up in a public school setting. I remember coming out on top in some things, and I remember the humiliation of coming out on bottom in other things. Neither felt good.

In homeschooling, it just means, your kid is his/herself. He/she gets to move at the pace God made his/her brain to move, and feel neither humiliated nor arrogant about that particular pace.

A UNIQUE BLEND OF SKILLS IN EACH CHILD

AND (this is what I love) that gets to happen in EVERY subject.

So if they are able to read sooner, but not be physically coordinated enough to play soccer, that’s OK. No teasing or humiliation for that. If they can swim and ride bikes and run faster than all the other kids, but are still struggling to read, that’s OK too. If they are going great guns in math, but need to go slower in learning (and retaining) vocabulary, that’s OK too.

There is not one “8-year-old” standard. Each boy or girl can move similar to the pace we do, as adults– according to each individual’s gifts and abilities.

No one looks at me and compares me to the 34-year-old dentist down the road and thinks I’m a moron for not knowing about molars, nerve endings, tooth decay, and how to operate a tiny drill. No one looks at him and thinks he’s a moron for not knowing how to manage a household of 8 on a budget, how to stop a tantrum in two-seconds-flat, or how to choose homeschool curricula. And no one looks at the 34-year-old pharmacist and compares him/her to either of us.

Unfortunately, even as adults, sometimes peers look at each other and compare, but that almost always leads to sin and discontentment.

In truth, we all operate according to our giftings and learn at our own pace, and are held accountable by God for being stewards of what we’ve personally been given– not for stewarding something at the same pace/skill as someone else “our age.”

Homeschooling allows us to offer that same grace and freedom to our children: move at your pace. Grasp things at the rate you are able. You don’t have to live in humiliation, or arrogance… constant struggle, or endless boredom. Joyfully grow and learn about the world God has made, according to the gifts He has given you.

Images courtesy of: StuartMiles & Stockphoto/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

[Please note: I recognize that not all of my readers choose to homeschool. This is not a slam on anyone else’s choices. However, we choose to homeschool. I believe there are advantages, and this article is about one of those advantages. Kind of like someone who writes an article about the advantages of having all boys (if you have girls) or someone who only writes about how great it is to only buy foreign vehicles, while you drive around in your Ford, you can just skip this article on by if it doesn’t apply to you, and not feel guilt for making a different choice. As believers, we all live according to Scripture and the guidance of the Spirit, no matter our schooling decisions.]

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SIGN UP now & I’ll send it your way: Posted in Grow as Homeschooler
Tagged education, home education, homeschooling, learning

Confession time: I am tired of all the food wars.

Tired, tired, tired.

When I was growing up, everything was low-fat. Now, apparently, that makes you fat, no joke.

This week, it’s “eat no carbs”, next thing I read says ‘trade off only carbs or fats as the fuel for each meal (who the HECK wants to eat a burger with no cheese or mayo?– don’t answer that and make me feel guilty- ha!), next one it’s “only eat like the cavemen did.” Last year was “switch to whole-grain everything,” this year they’re saying, “whole-grains have too much gluten.” (And probably, you can find current studies saying the opposite of everything I just wrote. Please don’t. I don’t care anymore.)

I give up.

I don’t have the energy to follow the trends.

I have OPTED OUT of the food wars.

I’m a tired mom just trying to do the best I can to feed my family. I refuse to pile guilt on myself when JUST BUYING THE GROCERIES and KEEPING THEM SEMI-IN-STOCK in our home, and KEEPING MY KIDS FED takes about all the mental capacity I have to devote to food.

Here’s some things I’m thankful for:

I’m thankful that I can buy real food for a family of eight when so many people are losing their jobs and struggling.
I’m thankful that I’m able to be home with them so that my time can be leveraged and make our budget stretch farther by me cooking from scratch.
I’m thankful I have learned how to cook a number of things from scratch. (I’m no gourmet, but I can get around in the kitchen all right.)
I’m thankful for the easy-peasy convenience foods we use from time to time (to give me a freaking break without freaking breaking our wallet).
I’m thankful that I came to this mothering gig before the “your baby needs to eat non-GMOed-fermented-organic-kale as his first food” mantra was in existence. (OK, I don’t think that’s a mantra. But it’s not far off from being able to be a believable mantra, right?) I’m glad I was a mom before this food stuff reached a fever pitch, because now I recognize it as unnecessary and dispensable advice.
I’m thankful for the mental space, and internet access, available to write to all of you ladies about this.

We mostly can’t afford organic, and we don’t eat the best. But we don’t eat the worst either. I try to feed my family real, wholesome food, and limit the unpronounceable ingredients. I’ve watch the documentaries like Food Inc., Fat, Sick & Nearly Dead, and King Corn. And I try to cut through the hype and learn little bits that will help me make livable, sustainable, budgetarily-reasonable choices for our family.

I think my kids eat more veggies than I did growing up, and last year we switched out the boxed cereals for oatmeal. Now we’re switching to steel-cut. And ya know, maybe someone will release a study this week indicating that that’s terrible. If so, don’t write me a comment about it.

I’m just saying, we’re making changes that we’re pleased with.

That’s my point–

We do the best we can. And that’s all we can do for now. I bet you do too.

I’m not going to let the scary documentaries, bully dietitians on daytime TV, latest fad diets, and baby food diet “experts” (who maybe don’t even have kids themselves) make me take on a heap of guilt over something like this. And I want to encourage you not to either.

HERE IS MY MANTRA, and I offer it to you as well:

Do the best you can.

Live in grace.

Drop-kick guilt to the curb every time it rears its ugly head.

And be grateful.

And I will too.

The end.

Blessings to you and your family,

Jess Connell

P.S. If you or your child has a medical issue or allergies with certain foods/whatever, please don’t think this is an attack on you or your family. The mantra goes for you too. Hang in there.

Sign up to receive my monthly newsletter, and I’ll send you my FREE book, ONE THING: Top Tip (From a Mom of 6). In it, you’ll learn the top way I:

BEAT the “Mommy Wars”, and
HAVE PEACE in my parenting decisions.

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Tagged children, cooking, homemaker, mom

In life, we could just put one foot in front of the other and “make it”. OR, we can live intentionally and really engage in the adventure of sanctification God has laid out for us.

This is true of all areas of life, but it’s definitely true for married life. Here are some ways that Doug and I have gone about intentionally living in, growing in, and fortifying our marriage:

1. WE TALK, TALK, TALK. That doesn’t mean that’s all we do… but we talk through the things on our minds and hearts. The stresses, the good things. The difficult and wonderful things.

“HIGH/LOW”— with this, you just share the “HIGH” and the “LOW” for that particular day. It’s a low time commitment, but that way you’re seeing the good and hard things in each other’s lives. We don’t do this very often now, because we’re so used to talking about life together. But in the beginning of our marriage, particularly in the seasons where we were spending more time apart than together, this helped us to develop the habit of regular communication about the things that matter.
At dinner, make a point to really talk and listen to each other. Even if it’s only for 5-10 minutes of the meal, intentionally connect during that time. Sure, when you have little ones, one of you is cutting pieces of chicken into smaller bites and the other one is grabbing a dish towel cause the child who always spills something at every meal has struck again… but that’s life. Smile. Look at one another. Enjoy those moments together.
Simple conversation starters. “What’s on your mind?” Or, “What are you reading about?”

2. WE SERVE EACH OTHER. He pours me big glasses of sweet tea. I make meals that he specifically likes. He gives me a foot rub several nights a week while we talk on the couch. I organize his books. He’ll take the kids to the park so I can have some writing time. I keep the kids quiet some mornings so he can sleep in an extra hour or two. We BOTH contribute to each other’s sanity in big and small ways.

3. WE KEEP THE PHYSICAL “FIRES” BURNING. Long-time readers know this is a big one for me. It’s also one that I don’t want to give too many specifics about in such a public forum. You can always e-mail me if you want to talk through specific questions/situations, etc.

But I will say these things: He’s not the only one who initiates. We make this part of our relationship a very crucial, regular, fun, growing, and passionate priority. We work hard to make this a really wonderful time to come together and re-connect. We still flirt with each other.

And we don’t say no.

On that last point, here are some things that help me put it into perspective:

When I’m 75, or one day at my husband’s funeral, will I look back with regret at consistently (or even occasionally) having told him “no” when he tried to pursue me? Or with satisfaction and thankfulness because I really did get outside of myself and love and serve my dh in this area of marital intimacy?
Have I ever regretted doing it? (For many women, “it’s like exercise”– even when you weren’t wanting to, you’re never sorry once you’ve done it.)
I’m the only woman who can righteously love my husband in this way.
A friend of mine likened intimacy for women to a campfire… if you keep the coals warm, it’s easier to get things blazing again than if you let the fire go out between uses. SO, don’t go too long between times. Keep those coals warm and ready for a regular fire. Yes, I’m saying have sex more often, not less.
The optimal sexual encounter lasts between 3 and 13 minutes. SURELY we can make time for 3 to 13 minutes, even on our busiest days!

4. WE STILL DATE EACH OTHER. Ours doesn’t look like actual “go out to the movies” kind of dates very often … BUT, our kids are in bed every night by 7:30/8pm. So, we can kind of have a date night whenever we want. Sometimes we’ll watch a comedy and laugh together. Or we’ll sit on the couch and read together, with our legs touching and the occasional smile and wink as we turn a page. Little things like that can really re-connect you in the midst of the storm. The point is to take time to BE together and enjoy it.

WAYS TO BUILD THE RELATIONSHIP THROUGHOUT EACH DAY:

Before he leaves for work, give him a hug and tell him something about him that you respect.
Text him something encouraging— a reason you are thankful for him.
When he passes you in the kitchen while you’re making dinner, flirt with each other… don’t lose sight of the fact that this was the man that 3, 10, or 35 years ago, you couldn’t WAIT to be around!
Get on the same page about the things that matter… money, kids, extended family relationships, time management, etc. Talk through these things and approach them as working together as a team rather than as each of you picking the other apart or trying to “fix” what’s wrong with the other person. And respect his leadership in these areas as the head of the home.
Try to still do the things that connected you early on… holding hands, kissing for more than a short peck, leaving each other notes (if you did that), talking about baseball/music/politics (whatever it was you loved discussing together), etc.
BUT ALSO– find some new things that can connect you. Perhaps he’s knee-deep in learning about real estate, or the five points of Calvinism, or various approaches to website building, or some such thing. FIND POINTS of discussion and sharing about those things. And share with him the things YOU’RE thinking about and learning. Don’t brush each other off and just say, “oh, he’s talking about x… I’ll never understand why he cares about that.” Or “homeschooling is my thing…” and then zone out. Bring each other along for the journeys you’re both on. Delight in the things that the other is delighting in. Learn about the things that matter to him (like drafting a killer resume for his upcoming job search, or March Madness). Talk through the things that are troubling you. Share the concerns you have about a particular child’s behavior, or the relationship with the in-laws, or the direction your church is heading.

SHARE LIFE

TOGETHER!

Don’t just live life on parallel tracks… get on the SAME track and travel it together. Something I find helpful during stressful moments is to realize that this is God’s adventure for OUR lives. This is my real marriage. This is my real family.

THIS IS MY REAL LIFE. THIS IS MY REAL MARRIAGE.

I won’t get these moments back; I won’t get a re-do.

The way I’m living now can’t be altered later. The way my marriage is now can’t be erased and re-written. I need to walk in the way that I will want to have walked when I am old.

What tips would you add to my list?

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Tagged intentionality, marriage, sex, wife

Q: My 2.5 year old son is having tantrums, laying on the floor, thrashing and screaming. I feel like something is wrong! Is this normal? What do I do?

A: Yes, this is something “normal.” Tantrums are without a doubt something you will face as mom, and every single one of my children has tried to pitch a fit, throw a tantrum, scream and fuss, whine and holler, stomp, and/or lay down and thrash on the ground (well, not Theo yet, but he’s only 8 months old… give him time, and –sadly– he will too).

It’s part of living with a little sinner who wants to go his own way.

He thinks he knows better than you, but needs you to be firm and not let him do things like ignoring what you say, screaming, and throwing tantrums.

EVERYTHING STOPS

The very *SECOND* something like that happens, everything in his world should come to a screeching halt until he adjusts to mom’s way of thinking and acting. However long that takes. No more playing, no snack, no “first let me ____,” no psychobabble/excuses. Definitely no bribing him to stop.

First things first. Use a firm voice: “Stand up and stop acting that way.” See to it that he stops. When he realizes that you mean business and will not allow anything else in life to happen until he complies, he’ll muster up some self-control.

Really. So keep at it however long it takes, until he stands up (on his own two feet– don’t allow any of this pull-up-the-feet-and-refuse-to-stand business) and stops.

Many women I encounter stop me at this point and say, “but you don’t understand. My child is so stubborn/strong-willed/angry/physically strong.” Yes. Yes, I understand. (See the comments for more specifics on this point.) But yes, I mean you. And yes, I mean your child, no matter how willful, difficult, or strong-willed.

Persevere and do not let your child do anything else happen until the tantrum stops.

[The only time I do this differently is if we are out in public, and thus subjecting others to the drama. At that point, I stop whatever I’m doing– yes, even grocery shopping– and either move to an out of the way place where we can talk face to face (me kneeled down at face level, or out to the car) without distractions. Do not subject others to your child’s foolish, annoying, loud shenanigans. Regardless though, everything stops and we deal with the tantrum, UNTIL. Until normality of attitude is resumed.]

At that point, life goes on, pleasantly.

COACH WITH SHORT, OBEY-ABLE SENTENCES

You coach him to do whatever it was that frustrated him, but in the way he *ought* to do it- “Ask mommy nicely for your snack,” or “Ask mommy to help you put the train track together,” or, “We are not leaving the store right now. You need to wait just a little longer until we finish shopping,” or “You may not go outside right now. Sit here and snuggle by mom and look at books.”

Do not get into long explanations or psychoanalytical feelings-type language. If he’s throwing a fit because he wanted a particular book on the store shelf, it’s OK to say, “I know you wanted that book.” But then move on.

Use short, obey-able sentences, like:

“Look in mommy’s eyes.” (Wait for him to look. Boys can be particularly bad about this, and work fiercely to look anywhere else but your eyes. Outlast him. Block out other perspectives and direct his chin to where his face is looking at you. Do not do anything else until he looks and holds your gaze.)
“You must not fuss that way, yes ma’am?” (I’m from the south. We say “yes ma’am.” Insert the phrase of your choosing, but something where he is affirming your authority and his intention to obey. “Yes mom,” “Ok, mommy,” etc. are fine alternatives.)
“Now, stop fussing.” (Expect that he does. You are his right and loving authority, and he can stop himself, truly.)
Sometimes follow-up sentences about posture/facial expressions are necessary with this… “Pick up your head. Open your eyes. Uncross your arms.” Etc. Many children display physical characteristics that let you see exactly what is going on in their hearts. Coach them to physically change their posture or facial expression from a state of grumping and slumping to an attitude and appearance of facing the world cheerfully.

Then I help them wipe their eyes/nose/face if they need it, encourage them to take a deep breath, and then I sometimes redirect their attention to something pleasant (“Look at that kitty cat!”). Not at all in a coaxing way, but in order to help reset their minds.

Any HINT of the return of fussiness merits the same response. Everything stops until the grumping stops.

BE AUTHORITATIVE AND FIRM

Honestly, if you are firm and direct, every single time he does this, these outbursts will almost entirely end very soon. While my kids continue to try to have tantrums from time to time, they are shut down very quickly, and we move on to pleasant things.

In my opinion, advice like “ignore it” or “put them in their room” allows these miserable emotional (not to mention LOUD) displays to go on and on indefinitely… for minutes, or even hours at a time… and then for days upon days of walking around on eggshells, waiting for the next episode of emotional volatility or dramatic eruptions. All the while the child is developing a habit of raging about the things they want, and an unhealthy, emotional fixation on the things that irritate and bother them. These are not attitudes I want to be reinforced or unaddressed in my children’s hearts and lives.

Just stop the whole thing as soon as it starts. Train your child in the way he should go– not at all in an ugly way– just straightforwardly. Teach him how to behave. Show him what he ought to do and do not allow dramatic nonsense to carry on and on. Within a second or two of the eruption, stop him. See that he stops. Then move on pleasantly and enjoy the day together. You may even find that by watching your children carefully, you can begin to tell when a tantrum is oncoming, and help them to stop it before it starts by coaching them through how to handle disappointment or frustration.

This is all about having firm, no-nonsense consistency. Our culture has a real authority problem, but kids recognize when someone in the room knows they are the authority. We’ve all seen and experienced it, where the kid who’s a real pill pushes everyone around until he meets the hard-nosed teacher who won’t put up with it. She’s the authority and they both know it.

So, be the authority. Not in a bullying, ugly, angry way, but in a firm, “I’m 5000% serious, and there is absolutely zero chance of this continuing to happen.” sort of way.

AFTER you deal with the immediate issue of the tantrum, then you go on and parent as usual. No grumping, shock, or bitterness on your part. Be pleasant and enjoy him.

He is still your sweet boy, but he is (like the rest of us) a sinner who will fight tooth and nail to have things his own way if he possibly can. Some children absolutely put up more of a fight than others, but make no mistake– they all want to have their own way, regardless of personality.

Galatians 6:9 tells us not to grow weary in well doing because there is a harvest to be reaped in due time if we don’t give up. You are doing well to your son when you take time to stop him, require that he stand up, stop lashing around like a foolish child, look you in the eye, be respectful, and obey your voice. You are teaching him, by the way you follow through and see that he listens to you, how he should respond to the authority and voice of God.

REMEMBER: IT’S AN OPPORTUNITY

Instead of seeing tantrums as a horrible, embarrassing thing, see it as an opportunity to address something in your child’s heart that desperately needs to be dealt with.

When your child erupts into a tantrum, God has given you a BIG moment where you can teach your child to listen to you, to trust your instructions over his/her feelings, and to have self-control in the midst of disappointment, frustration, rage, or uncertainty. This is an investment in your child’s future– you are teaching him/her to be emotionally stable and not fly off the handle into rages or controlling emotions because of life’s disappointments. You are training him/her how to respond to challenges and difficulties.

This is a golden and rich opportunity for you as the parent!

Every kid tries it.

But it doesn’t have to continue.

It’s a learning opportunity for you both, and an opportunity for him to grow in maturity and self-control. It’s one of the many ways that God has put you as an influence and authority in your child’s life in order for you to guide him in the way he should go.

Click here for more specifics on how to handle tantrums.

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Tagged children, family life, mom, parenting, preschoolers, tantrums, toddlers

Sometimes life blindsides us. It could be any number of things. But sometimes in life, we feel like everything has exploded around us, and nothing is as it was before.

(For us, some of them have been death of a parent while he was driving to our wedding, miscarriage x3, job loss, unexplained illness, hurting/sick relatives, an unexpected move, car accidents, the loss of community…)

Here is what I have learned to do in moments when the world goes chaotic around me:

Remember God’s faithfulness. This is no trite slogan. He is dependable. He is the eternal God who provided manna in the desert and a way through the sea. Isaiah 63 says, “I will recount the gracious deeds of the Lord, the praiseworthy acts of the Lord.” Remind yourself, audibly (say it out loud) and/or visually (write it and keep it in front of your face), of what he has done for you before. Name every single thing He brings to mind. Times of sickness, need, sorrow, pain, will come to your mind. Remind yourself of every time He has been faithful to you or anyone you know in any way. He meets every need we have, and so many wants as well. He is always, incredibly, overwhelmingly, wonderfully faithful. Every time. Always.
Be still. The tendency is to want to churn. Especially if something is hurtful or confusing. But stillness– forcing my heart to be still before the LORD– allows me to listen to what’s most important and tune out all the chaos. Do not be anxious. Focus on Christ as the foundation of everything.
Trust in God. Mindfully. Prayerfully. Fully. Intentionally. Truly, what this means for me practically is that in those moments when every single need is popping into mind, that I remember that God knows everything I need. That I express my need to Him, and keep on–moment by moment– choosing to rest in Him.
Hunker down and hug the people closest to you. Even if it’s the kid who has done something foolish. Even if it’s the husband you still feel frustrated with because he made a costly mistake. Even if you’re not sure it means anything or changes anything. Even if it feels hollow in the moment. Keep hugging.
Let the people closest to you “hug” you. It is so tempting, when we are in need, to tense up and keep people at arms’ distance. But you have to choose to abandon your pride, abandon the illusion of self-dignity and independence, and let them in. This doesn’t mean you expose your wounds to anyone at all, but let the people closest to you be close enough to hug you and hold you while you weep. Let them help you, bring dinner, do your dishes… let the Body of Christ BE the Body when you need them.
Ask for forgiveness the minute you realize you need it. When you are in a tight spot, attitudes will come out. The ugly things that can at other times stay hidden below the surface– your desire for peace and quiet, annoyance with mess, frustration with someone’s tone of voice– come out at times when stress is higher and patience is lower. Ugly things surface and make themselves known. So, rather than growing bitter, defensive, and divided, ask forgiveness. This is an opportunity to realize how much you need to grow, and an opportunity to grow, more like Jesus.
Keep talking. This is huge for Doug and I. Even if it’s speaking hard truths. Even if it’s asking a question out loud that both of us know for certain we don’t know the answer to. Just keeping on turning toward God and toward one another with our communication has been EXTREMELY important in the times of greatest stress in our lives.
Take the long view. Put this “momentary affliction” in light of all the other things that have happened in life and all of the good. Eternity is a long time, and God’s plans are bigger than we can see from our tiny perspective here.
Stay connected to God, as a branch stays connected to the vine. Keep drawing life-giving sustenance from His Word. Pray. Lift your hands to worship His name. Offer a sacrifice of praise to the Lord Almighty, even– especially– in your pain.
Be thankful. Less than two weeks ago, we were faced with an incredibly difficult set of circumstances. Instantaneously, our lives went from relatively stable to completely out of whack. Within a couple hours, the Lord reminded me to start a “thankful list.” It really is of mental, spiritual, emotional, attitudinal benefit to list out and counsel your own heart to be thankful for every possible thing. Start a list…. and keep adding to it.
Do the next thing. Just do the next logical, right thing. Fold the laundry. Put the milk away. Change the baby’s diaper. Feed the dog. Do the next thing. Keep doing what makes sense and put one foot in front of the other.
Keep an eye toward what God is doing. Recently a friend of mine died, after ninety years on this earth. I remember when her husband died, after they’d shared fifty-nine years of marriage, and how broken-hearted she was. One day at our weekly prayer meeting, she told me that she often looked toward the eastern sky and wondered if God would let her see Jesus come back. Even in her grief, she was prayerfully plugged into God’s work, and she had eternity in view. We can do the same. Keep your eyes attuned to what God is doing around you.

God has so many things to teach us in moments of shock, pain, grief, frustration, hurt, and sorrow. These twelve habits have helped me to turn to God in those moments in my life, to hear what He is saying, and to focus on His goodness even amidst the difficulties. I hope they will help others, too.

Image courtesy of: stockphotos/freedigitalphotos.net

Sign up to receive my monthly newsletter, and I’ll send you my FREE book, ONE THING: Top Tip (From a Mom of 6). In it, you’ll learn the top way I:

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Tagged Do the Next Thing, Eternal Perspective, Forgiveness, God is FAITHFUL, suffering

When a friend recently shared her hurts… exposed her weak places… whispered of her doubts and her questions, in the midst of suffering, here is some of what I wrote to her.

I offer it to you, too, if you are in a wounded, hurting place:

Sounds like God has you in the crucible. It is not an easy place to be.

I spent a lot of time in James 1 and in the Psalms when we kept getting slammed by storms.

(((hugs))) I’m sorry you’re hurting.

Looking back over some pieces of my own suffering, I can now see that God has used the hard things– the doctrinal dogmatism of my grandfather, the disowning my mother received while we were growing up, my father-in-law’s death, having our first baby spend his first week in the NICU, my husband’s (still) unexplained sickness, us having to leave the place we loved (China) and go to a place we did not (initially) love, three miscarriages, high levels of stress & exhaustion, and recent rejection and criticism (and more)– all for our good.

I really do look back and see God’s refining hand in each time of difficulty. James 1 talks about the purposes of suffering being to produce character in us… God means to sharpen and shape us in the crucible. It’s hot in there… it hurts in there… but it is for our good.

He is making us into sanctified, holy people, set apart for Him so that we can be more useful to Him and more useful in the lives of others. People who have not suffered and found God faithful can not successfully minister and confidently point a suffering, groaning world to our faithful God.

Hebrews tells us that no discipline is pleasant at the time, but that it produces a harvest of righteousness in those who have been trained by it. When you walk through times of suffering, He is disciplining (teaching/training) you in ways that will ultimately lead to your good if you do not give up.

Lean in to your Father. Trust His good motives and His bigger vision. Press on, persevere! Sit and cry in the church service, if you need to cry, but keep going to service. Struggle through your Bible reading… but keep reading.

Keep pressing into the Savior who knows our hurts, sees every hidden thing in our hearts, and loves us and lavishes grace on us.

Trust Him. Lean in to Him.

He means it for your good.

MORE THOUGHTS ON THIS SUBJECT OF SUFFERING:

Sign up to receive my monthly newsletter, and I’ll send you my FREE book, ONE THING: Top Tip (From a Mom of 6). In it, you’ll learn the top way I:

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