Each month I get a number of e-mails and private comments asking interesting questions that may be applicable to more than just the person asking.
My plan is to select a few thought-provoking and practical questions, keep the asker & identifying details anonymous, and share my answers with all of you, at the end of each month.
Let’s go for it.
#1- HOMESCHOOLING & PLANS FOR COLLEGE? BOYS? GIRLS TOO?
Q: So I’m curious, what is the end goal for your kids, both boys and girls? I guess I’m trying to parent with the end in mind (though that hurts my heart! These days are so sweet and fun!) Do you see your boys going off to college? Do you see Maranatha going away? What about jobs for them as teenagers? I can see some benefit to teens having jobs and learning responsibility from them. I’ve been thinking and discussing what post- high school looks like for my kids. Recently I realized that I had some pride built up that influenced what I thought the kids would be doing post high school graduation. When I stopped to examine my heart I realized that’s not what I really want the goal for the kids to be. I don’t want them to default into what the culture typically does- the best college they can get into, ridiculous debt, dorm-living, ultra liberal professors. What are your thoughts about after your kids graduate and how are you shaping them now for that?
A: Our current thoughts are this:
- Are they likely made for marriage (most kids will be) or possibly called to lifelong singleness with strategic focus on God’s Kingdom? (1 Cor 7 lists only these 2 options). Until they get closer to adulthood, our default assumption is that they will marry and need to be prepared for those roles (husband/father, wife/mother).
- What sort of life, then, does God seem to be building them to live out?
In line with that, academically, we consider:
- What are their strengths?
- What career possibilities exist within that or related to that strength?
- What are the long-range commitments and debts associated with each career?
- And how would that affect his/her likeliest path for family life? (i.e., would it limit her ability to choose to stay home with her kids because she’d need rack up so much debt in pursuit of that particular career path? Would it limit his ability to start a family and provide for his family because he would need 7-10 years of schooling before being able to be dedicated to family life?)
- What are the ethical challenges for that career path? (i.e., would he be choosing between medical school with little to no time to invest in his marriage & children, OR risking a strong pull into sexual impurity by delaying marriage until nearly 30?)
- What are the debt commitments for that career path? Etc. Etc. Etc.
So then, once we start to see that, we start watching them carefully and talking through potential career paths. And we start kicking around ideas early. For example, after she showed him a design she’d drawn recently, Doug told Maranatha that because she loves art, doodling, and is skilled at coming up with creative ideas so much, he could see her potentially doing something like graphic design. If she desires to be home as a wife and mother, that is one idea for how she could use her gifts, contribute income to her family, and yet be home with the children she says she wants. The goal is not to produce a template “perfect life” for each of our children, but to provide them with ideas and options that will enable freedom to fly as they enter adult life.
We look for the options and resources available to us where we are. For example, our town has a “skill center” through the public schools where — beginning at age 15– kids can learn particular skills like auto repair, construction site supervision, restaurant management, etc.; there are community colleges 10-20 minutes away; there are also universities roughly an hour away. When we lived overseas, we considered options there.
God knows where He has planted us and will lead us, like a Shepherd, to the right things He means for us to use to develop our children in the ways they should go.
We talk with our kids about these things and measure their interest. For some of our children that may look like “going away to college.” Truthfully, in today’s college culture, I would not send a daughter far away and I would not lightly send a son away, without careful consideration of both his career path and his character development.
Though some homeschoolers seem to believe that girls do not need to go to college, that is not where my husband and I fall. My concern for both our sons and daughter is that much of what happens on many college campuses is perhaps a mild stroke away from serial predatory sexual behavior, and that is not something I take lightly. Thus, our hope would be that all of our children would take that campus culture into serious account and, if they attend college, be highly selective in terms of the college culture they enter and seeking a strong support system for the pursuit of godliness in those years. (By that I mean, in advance of going away, our goal would be to give them wisdom and training in what to look for in a good church– doctrine, church structure, and personal commitment. We’re already talking about how to choose godly friends.)I am extremely thankful for my college education and would be happy for our daughter (and any others God gives) to attend college.
For all of them, we talk through goals, skills, areas of strength, the ratio of debt-to-job-likelihood, and more as we consider college.
In our home, college is an option, but not a “given.” By that I mean that the old “wisdom” of
high school diploma + college= good job
is no longer a guarantee of anything and we don’t want to opt our children into high debt and low job potential. So for all of our children (yes, daughters included), college is an option we will consider with them as one of many potential means for them to enter adult life. But for all of them, we plan to help them think in big-picture ways about their futures and enter in with eyes wide open as to what doors each choice may open or close for them.
As far as jobs go, we also hope to start local/close to home and then see what opportunities God gives. The big boys (nearly 13 & 11) are already kicking around ideas like setting up lemonade/baked goods stands at the local farmer’s markets here. Not sure if that’ll work now with all the food laws. But those are the sorts of ideas we’re talking and thinking through. They watch a neighbor’s cats and water/care for her yard on weekends while she’s away. They’ve talked about doing yard care together, but I want them to be more consistent in skill with our yard before they start trekking out to do others’.
Both my husband and I worked a variety of jobs beginning as teens (summer camps, pharmacies, grocery stores, video rentals, fast food, etc.), and found it valuable, but know that that landscape has also changed dramatically and whereas it was easy for me to get a job at 15, here, there seem to be many 18-20 year olds who struggle to find employment. All that to say, we aren’t settled yet on the job front, but we’re open to a variety of options.
We want to do everything in our power to prepare them for the rigors and responsibilities of real life. Each of our big boys– 11 & 13– cooks roughly one meal a week for our family. Chores are regular expectations (the picture is what our chore chart looked like last fall… I think it’s been updated since then but it gives an idea nonetheless). Jobs will be considered on a kid by kid, situation by situation basis. College MAY be a means for any of them to achieve their goals, but it is not a given. That’s how things stand for now.
#2- DATING OR COURTSHIP?
Q (Part 1): I just can’t see how the typical way of dating is healthy. My sisters and I had no parent involvement in helping protect us as we dated. I married an incredible, godly man but my sisters have serious issues in their marriage. I love my brothers-in-law but they are not the kind of man I desire for my girls to marry.
A (Part 1): In regard to dating/courtship, you might find it interesting to listen to the four Sunday school messages our pastor recently taught about courtship. It’ll give you a sense of the community we’re a part of, but also I would say that the things that are taught are very very similar to Doug & I’s personal views on this topic. I think they could be encouraging and instructive for what you’re wrestling through.
Q (part 2) I’ve listened to all 6 of the Sunday School sessions from your church on courtship. It was really helpful to me and I’m so glad you pointed me to them. I wish I could have heard all of the comments from the participants in the class, but it was still really good. How are you talking to your boys about courtship now as many of their peers are about to start to have girlfriends?
A (part 2): As far as talking to our boys about courtship, they both sat in on the class, so they both have that as a beginning foundation… we talk a lot about how harmful and ridiculous it is that someone who can not even begin to think about providing for or starting a family with a girl says he is “dating” her… and that it is foolish to start those things before you are ready to actually make good on the relational “promises” you are making.
Passport2Purity was a GREAT way for us to talk through those specific expectations with Ethan when we got away together last fall. We plan to use this program with all of our children when they are 12/13, as it gave us a great springboard for discussion for all of these topics.
Part of the reason I mentioned our community earlier is that that provides the context for my answer. Our community here is not one where they are likely to have peers having “girlfriends” at young ages… I know that is unique and that colors my answer. If we lived elsewhere, we might not be using the word “courtship” but we would be discussing wise choices and not entering into dating relationships until you are ready to be thinking about marriage. It is not *courtship* we are committed to teaching to our children, but wisdom and biblical principles. Here, courtship makes sense because that is the community we are a part of, and for now, it provides enough clarity of language while talking with our children.
If, while at college, for example, one of our sons carefully and prayerfully enters a dating relationship with a young lady and gets to know her family and conducts himself wisely, we will not consider this a failure or compromise. The goal is wisdom, interaction with families and parents (rather than 1-on-1 flirtation and relationship-removed-from-reality style interactions), and Christ-honoring prudence in physical actions before marriage, not necessarily a particular title for the relationship.
#3- ABOUT KEEPING KIDS CLOSE:
(This Q is a follow-up from the article, A CHILD LEFT TO HIMSELF)
Q: As far as your older boys and keeping them close- does that mean they aren’t ever at a friend’s home without you? Are they allowed to play outside without you or Doug out there with them? How do you minister to people not likeminded with your family as you hold to these standards? I definitely get where you’re coming from, I’m just curious how you handle it.
A: As far as staying close to us, they stay close until they have proven that they can be farther, and then that release is slow and watchful and we pull them back closer when they show foolishness OR when we see negative effects from them going farther away. So… yes, our older boys go places without us. They (maybe once a month or once every two months) spend Sunday afternoon (between morning and evening services) with another family. They occasionally play ultimate frisbee with other teens/young adults in our church (without us present, but always with adults present, and always the two of them together). We try to have them go together as much as possible, as it provides accountability but also would allow them another person alongside them to “stand up” for the right thing.
Most of the time, I allow our children to play outside in our backyard without us. But if/when there is a child displaying foolishness/rudeness/constant fighting/constant picking at another child/etc., they lose that privilege and can only go out when I’m with them. If they all start doing those things, they all lose it, and they feel the deprivation from their own rudeness. So, it’s not that they’re never allowed to be alone, but in the house, they are kept close, and I don’t let them go places where there are easy places to hide sin (i.e., going places alone with other youth, or if our backyard didn’t have a fence, etc.).
It DID make it difficult to interact with other families, sometimes, until we got used to it. Now that we are both used to these norms, it is dramatically easier than it was at first. Now, it’s easier. We don’t just say “yes” to anyone who asks for our kids to come over…. we put it in the context of how often they’ve gone in recent weeks, how many events there are upcoming, how often they’ll be in the influence of other teens vs. our influence in nearby weeks, etc. (i.e., last Sunday, a family asked to have the big boys over, but that Monday-Thursday was our church beach camp and I knew that at beach camp, the boys would be going on hikes with other friends/parents, etc., and that I wouldn’t see them much, so we said no and spent that last afternoon together).
We both keep an eye on the 6 & under crowd all the time, but especially VERY carefully when other people’s families are nearby (we have home fellowship here at our house once/week with any number of other families attending, we have families over often, Sunday evenings after church while all the adults are visiting, etc.).
#4- HOW TO GAIN CONFIDENCE AS A MOTHER?
Q: I feel I know so little about motherhood and feel so inadequate for the task. I think this lack of confidence really affects my ability to command the authority I need to have in the home. I was wondering if there was a devotional or Bible study you knew of that could help to build me from the inside to have confidence as a mother as Christ gives me strength. I appreciate your time! God bless.
A: Well, have you gotten a copy of my free book? It talks some about this very thing. Click, sign up, and I’ll send it to you for free.
Another excellent resource is the mothering portions of Carolyn Mahaney’s “To Teach What is Good.” Here’s a link to the free mp3 teachings. I highly recommend these great teachings. They are excellent for ladies’ study groups, one-on-one discipleship, as well as personal edification.
The thing that gives me the most “confidence” personally is an abiding confidence in God’s sovereignty. The God who made all the universe decided that out of all the moms in all the history of the world and all the children in all the history of the world, I should specifically be the mom to THESE children. So then, I can walk in confidence. He’s given me my strengths for a reason, allowed my weaknesses for a reason, and in the end, will use it all for His glory, for their good, and for mine. His sovereignty gives me great confidence and contentment as I walk, imperfectly, in the exact time and place He has put me.
Thanks to those who wrote, for the questions and dialogue!
Readers, I’d love to hear what you think of this “mailbag” feature.
Have a question? SUBMIT IT HERE.
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Tagged a child left to himself, college, dating & courtship, education, home education, homeschooling, long-range parenting, mom, mothering, sovereignty, train up a child 
The question comes from time to time:
How can I have a successful blog while raising little ones?
And here’s my honest answer. It may not be a popular one, but it is my real, honest, from-my-heart answer.
BLOGGING WHEN YOU HAVE LITTLE ONES
When I had all/only littles, I wrote only when I had time for it. If you put your marriage and parenting before blogging, your blog will sometimes suffer.
For me, being a wife and mom were my highest priorities and so I would often take 1-6 month blogging breaks. Throughout my first years of blogging when I had only little children, I often took weeks and months away from writing.
Though I love to write… though words flow from me quickly and easily… when I had:
- 3 kids four and under,
- 4 kids six and under,
- and 5 kids eight and under,
there were many times when the writing got pushed to the side so I could do the essential, daily things:
- loving my husband,
- loving my children,
- learning how to keep my home running well,
- staying in the Word,
- and being a part of church when I could.
My goal was not and is not to build a blog kingdom, but to use it as a tool for ministry, growth, and encouragement, AFTER doing the things God has clearly put on my plate.
Put another way, in our home:
Blogging is optional. Parenting & being a wife is not.
If I build a “successful” blog but raise bratty, selfish, electronically-entertained children, or have a crummy marriage where both of our faces are constantly in our devices, I will have failed.
So, with little kids, give yourself grace.
You may not realistically be able to keep up with a rigorous blogging pace.
To be clear, my answer is:
You MAY NOT be able to have a “successful” blog while intentionally mothering young children.
You may; you may not. But I am not going to lie to you and tell you that you for sure can. For my part, I found that I could not worry about keeping up with the amazing “Betty Bloggers” of the world who had the same age kids, managed to do it all, AND post better photographs than I ever could.
I’m me. I can only be me. I have to look at what God has given me and steward it well.
The God who gave my husband and my children won’t be pleased if I let my marriage, home, and children fall by the wayside but run an amazingly “successful” blog. Even if it has amazing ministry potential, and has been perfectly monetized in a way that financially blesses my family without burdening my readers.
God has given us certain things on our plates, and it is foolish for us to add things to our plates to a degree that the main things (that God has given us) get shoved off for things He has not given us. If you are a wife and a mother, those are the MAIN THINGS on your plate. Do not let blogging shove off those main things.
So for me, here’s where I’ve landed:
If I “do it all,” but lose my family, it will not be worth it to me.
That said, as my kids have grown, I have found (and I have purposefully made) time to write more regularly. A major reason for this is that my husband has affirmed these things in me and invested his time and energy to encourage me in this ministry. Over the years, he has told me I *need* to be writing, and that he believes it is both good for me, and good for others, when I do.
My blogging is a reflection of the nurturing leadership and influence of my husband who has affirmed these spiritual gifts in my life and made an environment where they can flourish.
HOW I BLOG WITH CHILDREN IN THE HOME
Here are some things that have helped me:
1- SCHEDULE POSTS IN ADVANCE
The scheduling feature has become an amazing help to me. Nowadays, I write articles anywhere from 1-6 weeks in advance and preschedule them so that my life can have its normal ebbs and flows without affecting the pace and quality of my content. But when I was younger, and they were younger, I couldn’t gather enough writing time to get ahead enough to consistently USE the scheduling feature, so it did me little to no good.
But if you are able to use it, scheduling topics in advance is a wonderfully handy tool that can keep the unpredictable things in life as a mom of littles from derailing your blog.
2- PUBLISH AT A SUSTAINABLE PACE
Don’t try to write 3 times in one week, and then miss a week, and then publish an article, and then skip three weeks, and then write two posts two weeks in a row.
No. Look back at what you’re able to do consistently. Average that out, and reduce it slightly to give yourself margin. Then THAT will be your sustainable publishing pace. If you look back at the last year and you’ve published 15 articles, then just set a goal of once/month. If you look back at the last year and have written 135 articles but they’ve been hit-or-miss, spottily timed, then set a goal of 2 articles a week, and begin pre-scheduling your posts so you are able to sustain your posting schedule and give yourself a little margin as well.
For me, that worked out to (at first) 2 articles each week, and now, because I maintained that throughout 2014 (which was my goal), I’ve recently increased to publishing 3x/week: every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
Set your goal as less than you think you can do, and give yourself margin.
3- WRITE WHAT FLOWS EASILY
Write from your “sweet spot.” Don’t take on issues that need deep research and lengthy consideration. I’m a fast writer, and often get articles written in the first draft with little editing needed, but I still have to limit myself to the things that I know well. I can’t consistently blog about topics that are, say, out of my theological reach and do them justice. That level of research and attention to learning all new things is not something I can manage while managing seven children and homeschooling.
So, I write what flows easily and choose to avoid or ignore topics that I can’t invest the time in during this season.
4- MULTI-TASK
We’ve talked before about multi-tasking as a mom. As a blogger, one of the ways I am able to grow is by listening to podcasts (like Michael Hyatt and Problogger) and conference talks about blogging and social media usage, while doing other things:
- mowing the lawn
- cooking dinner
- holding/nursing the baby
- folding laundry
By using my time carefully, I’m able to thoughtfully consider ways to improve my platform without going to meetings and conferences away from my young family.
5- USE EVERYTHING YOU WRITE
Do you write book or product reviews for Amazon? Training manuals? Lengthy, helpful comments on other people’s articles? Do you take detailed sermon notes? Or perhaps you participate in an online discussion forum on your topic and have tons of helpful posts there. Turn the things you’ve written elsewhere into quality content for your blog.
I often do this with blog comments. In fact, my most popular article ever (“Why Have More Kids?”) was written as a response to a comment I received on my blog. I’ve also been blessed to do freelance Bible study writing, and my contracts typically have a clause that allows me to use the material after an agreed-upon amount of time has passed. So then I can take the same content, re-work it to fit my readers, and get double use out of it.
Maybe you’re the local expert on pool supplies, breastfeeding, or VW bus repair, and people regularly write you with questions. Save all your answers and format them into “how to” blog posts. Or list posts. Or Q&A posts. Make sure to scrub the questions of any other people’s personal information (or get permission to share), but DO use your own writing. This will maximize your writing time and squeeze every ounce of usability out of the things you’re already writing.
You’re already using your time to answer the questions, so go ahead and make that helpful information accessible to the public.
6- MAKE THE MOST OF YOUR FREE TIME
The toddler’s nap time is used VERY carefully around here. Sometimes, as a home educating family, nap time becomes homeschooling time. But at other times, if the kids are clicking along in their work, and we’re managing to get the parts that require my help done in the mornings, I am able to use nap time to write and plan articles.
In extra busy seasons, I may write articles in the evenings after the kids are in bed (although, typically, I try to reserve that time for connecting with Doug). This is typical, now, of the postpartum time. When my days are full, I tend to use evenings to veg out and hammer out random posts and ideas.
In some seasons (not the one we’re currently in, because the baby is still nursing so frequently), my husband will encourage me to go get coffee for 3-4 hours on a Saturday morning, or he’ll take the kids for a walk (or even just to play in the backyard) in the evening. In those times, I may knock out several articles, or pre-plan topics, or feed my soul in ways that will help me to keep growing (and thus, be filled so that I continue to have something to *give*).
Use your natural free time as quick-sprints for writing.
THIS IS WHO I AM, MARRIED TO MY HUSBAND, WITH THESE KIDS
The main thing I want to say to you, young mom who is wondering about blogging, is this: this is who I am. I’m not an organic-only mommy who has to cook a certain way because of children with allergies. I’m not a marathoner. I’m not a garage sale queen. I don’t have a farm to run or an MLM business. I don’t have a child with severe medical or developmental issues with lots of doctors appointments and hospital visits.
When I have time, writing is my thing. That’s what I do with free time. It’s where my thoughts get sorted out, and where my heart seeps out onto the screen in front of me.
My blog writing is also fully submitted to my own husband. This is not something I do on my own… he has loved and supported and encouraged and exhorted and challenged me and sharpened me all along the way. He WANTS me to keep writing, and so I do. He supports it and loves it and does an excellent job helping me think through my priorities.
This is who I am, married to my husband, with the kids I have been given.
It may or may not work for you. Sort that out with your husband and make sure you’re being purposeful in your roles as wife and mom first.
FOR ME, IT’S NEVER BEEN ABOUT “SUCCESS”
This may not be everyone’s goals, but this is how blogging has gone for me. I stayed home with my kids WITHOUT blogging for 4 years, and then began writing as a way to sort out my thoughts on things like birth control, home education, and childrearing. Some people want to blog for money, or to build a “platform,” but for me, especially with young children in the house, it has been critical that I keep the main things as the main things.
As people shared my articles, my “platform” has grown bit by bit, but at every point, my blog has come behind the things God has put on my plate (marriage and kids). And at every point, I’ve held it loosely before the Lord. Even now, my husband and I regularly assess life and make sure that the main things are being done well before I agree to take writing jobs or try new things with the blog.
Galatians 6:9 describes a sowing/reaping mindset and says “let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.” Keep sowing in your family daily, and sowing on your blog as you are able beyond that. Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life. Honor Christ. Trust God to provide for your family and to use your gifts according to His good plans.
If He means for your blog to be “successful,” it will be. And if He doesn’t, you won’t regret having taken care of your marriage and family first.
Sign up to receive my monthly newsletter, and I’ll send you my FREE book, ONE THING: Top Tip (From a Mom of 6). In it, you’ll learn the top way I:
- BEAT the “Mommy Wars”, and
- HAVE PEACE in my parenting decisions.
SIGN UP now & I’ll send it your way: Posted in Grow as Writer
Tagged blogger, blogging, blogging with little kids, first things first, mommy blogging, priorities, writer, writing 
On a post last year about the growing expectations on young woman to look physically perfect (and increasingly generic), a commenter wrote:
Quick thought from a guy –
Know what really hurts? When a girl spends a mountain of care and attention trying to win over exciting but unsaved “bad boys”, but then discovers the comfort of no-makeup and mom-jeans when she decides to “settle” for goodguy hubby.
Sorry, I insist on getting her best efforts too. I will not have my wife have primped and preened in college for other men, only to get the “used station-wagon” version of her appearance later. …I will not be given her half-hearted efforts, conveniently re-purposed as “natural beauty”. I do NOT insist on marrying a raving beauty. I DO insist on her making the most of what she has.
My first thought was, “Man, this guy sounds bitter!”
That said, even with the overarching tone of bitterness, he made some points worth consideration. I’d like to propose that we set aside the acidic nature of the tone and use his ideas as jumping off places for provoking thought in us, as Christian women (some of whom are wives, and others of whom may one day be a wife).
- “A girl spends a mountain of care and attention trying to win over exciting but unsaved “bad boys”, but then discovers the comfort of no-makeup and mom-jeans when she decides to “settle” for goodguy hubby.”
True or false, ladies?
I’d say, there can be truth in this. I have seen this play out, some; it does happen.
One significant thing I see is that this girl has committed false advertising. It seems that she’s viewed her beauty and physical form as something merely given to her to *catch* a man, and not as something given to her, for her to steward well through every stage of life. Truthfully, too, this is a girl (and guy) whose ideas about beauty have been shaped by the world.
So what’s the truth about beauty? How can we counter the wrong beauty-focused idea the commenter presents, but also counter the opposite extreme that the outside doesn’t matter at all? Let’s see if we can find balance in the middle.
- Beauty has been inherently a part of womanhood since creation. Though I don’t speak Hebrew, my understanding is that Adam’s reaction to seeing Eve was a guttural equivalent of “WHOA!” As women, God has made our physical form attractive. In Song of Solomon, we see how beauty of the physical form is an integral part of the joy and intimacy that exists between a husband and wife. Beauty itself is not sinful or worldly.
- Beauty is not just about ourselves. It reflects God’s creativity in making beautiful things. Also, because, when we marry, our bodies each belong to the other, Christians are not people with a battle cry of “my body, my rights!”
- Beauty is something commented on in Scripture, sometimes positively… (like in Song of Solomon)
- …sometimes negatively… (the seductive woman in Proverbs, the idea that “beauty is vain“)
- … and sometimes as a factual statement… (Rachel, Esther/Hadassah, Abraham’s wife Sarai, Queen Vashti, Abishag the Shunnamite, David’s daughter Tamar)
- …but ultimately with caveats.
BIBLICAL CAVEATS ABOUT BEAUTY
As Christ-following women, while there is nothing sinful or worldly about outward beauty, outward beauty should not be the focus of our efforts, nor should it be the most beautiful thing about us:
- INWARD TRUMPS OUTWARD BEAUTY. “Your beauty should not consist of outward things like elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold ornaments or fine clothes. Instead, it should consist of what is inside the heart with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very valuable in God’s eyes.” 1 Peter 3:3-4
- LIPS AND FEET THAT BRING THE JOY & PEACE OF THE GOSPEL ARE BEAUTIFUL. “How beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of him who brings good news, who publishes peace, who brings good news of happiness, who publishes salvation, who says to Zion, “Your God reigns.” Isaiah 52:7
- THE THINGS WE DO FOR OTHERS, AND THE WAY WE LOVE AND SERVE OTHERS WITH OUR PHYSICAL FORM, MATTER MORE THAN THE APPEARANCE OF OUR PHYSICAL FORM. “Women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire, but with what is proper for women who profess godliness—with good works.” 1 Timothy 2:9-10
Put simply, instead of:
- elaborate hairstyles
- wearing expensive jewelry
- wearing fancy clothes
God wants us to focus on:
- what is inside our heart
- the things that don’t fade, like a gentle and quiet spirit
- sharing the liberation of the Gospel
- affirming the truth about God’s power
- respectable attire
- being self-controlled
- proper behavior for a godly woman
- good works done for Christ
BEAUTY IN MARRIAGE
So then, with our cultural focus on the beauty of youth, do women tend to “let themselves go” once they’ve actually entered into marriage? Sometimes, it can appear so, right? I mean, let’s be honest. Sometimes it looks that way.
But there are unquestionably valid reasons for some of it–
- Body changes come with pregnancy and breastfeeding. The nausea, hormones, and exhaustion often overwhelm, not to mention that new things happening to your body sometimes leave you uncertain and insecure about your appearance. And with this I don’t only mean the way your body gets bigger, although it does. It also changes shape. Clothes that used to fit don’t fit the same, even if you do get back to the same weight and size. Your body is not the same. As a postpartum woman, your hair may fall out in clumps up around your temples. The quality of your teeth and your glasses’ prescription may decline. Our tummies and breasts go through sometimes-shocking changes in size and shape. These changes aren’t imaginary or insignificant. A woman’s body goes through profound changes each time she gets pregnant.
- Metabolism slows down. The older we get, the less calories we can eat and not gain weight. But then, sometimes that is happening right alongside things like pregnancy, breastfeeding, and chasing toddlers… when we’re extra hungry from using up MORE calories. These are legitimate challenges. Sometimes these things also happen in a tight budget where there’s not extra money to spend on weight loss, fitness, the right sorts of foods, etc.
- New baby often means a tighter budget. Just about the time you need to buy new clothes because your body is totally different than it’s ever been before, you have a new little baby to provide for that makes the budget tighter. And the ever-changing rules of fashion mean that even if you DO manage to one day fit back in your old jeans, they may no longer be in style. The standard of what’s “beautiful” can change drastically in a matter of a few years’ time.
- Time shrinks with the more things you add to your plate. When you’re chasing kids all day, cooking and doing laundry, or at the office and coming home to care for your family, the number of minutes you have available to focus on your appearance is smaller than at any other time in your life (when single, or married pre-kids, or after the empty nest). Cooking two separate meals (one for the fam, one for weight-loss-focused mom) is a near-impossibility, and taking time away to workout may not be an option.
- We do, in truth, get older… and that affects how we look. In a culture where older women are praised for being “cougars” and looking 20 when they are 55, it can be difficult as a Christian woman to rightly determine: what’s age-appropriate? How can I still look attractive at 26, 32, 35, 41 years old, but not seem like I’m trying to be 17 and also not look like I’m 62? What amount of effort is right? With the effects of gravity and time, we have legitimate challenges, especially in this youth-idolizing culture.
I can identify, well, with all of these things.
I’m currently 4 months postpartum after baby #7. I am intimately acquainted with each of these reasons why maintaining beauty (or feeling beautiful in any way, shape, or form) may be a struggle.
But then, in addition to the reasons above, if we look at this issue with honesty, there are some other perhaps not-so-valid reasons for our tendency to let things go:
- Mom’s identity becomes so intertwined with mothering that she forgets about the wife part.
- If her husband stops noticing, complimenting, and pursuing her as she goes through her “tough spots” (i.e., pregnancy & postpartum months), she may stop trying to win his affection and approval. Perhaps it feels too risky and too potentially painful to even “try” when you already feel rejected and unattractive.
- Mom feels so exhausted or overwhelmed by her new role as mom she can have a “why bother?” approach to personal hygiene and appearance, as it takes a back-burner to all the other things she’s learning
- And perhaps others, too.
What say you?
(Yes, that’s a phrase I’ve heard more than one Texas pastor use, about keeping up the personal appearance, and I think it’s a funny way to communicate this basic idea… keeping things up, even if they’re aging a little.)
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Tagged appearance, attraction, beauty, femininity, intimacy, marriage
- It happens in the grocery store aisle, when someone else’s children are behaving better or worse than your own.
- Or in the church nursery, when your child bites another mom’s toddler, or vice versa.
- Or at the park, when, after being called, your child (or hers) runs in the opposite direction.
But where it’s really happening is in your head.
That’s where the question is being answered, again and again, sometimes with one answer, and sometimes with another:
AM I A BETTER MOM THAN SHE IS?
I remember the feelings clear as day. 13 years ago, my college best friend, sister-in-law, and I all had our first babies within 6 months of each other. Back and forth the issues would be volleyed:
- labor— what came first? how long did it go? how long did you hold out before you got pain meds? did the doctor do this procedure? or that one? what was your recovery like?
- breastfeeding— how often? how long? on both sides each time, or just one side at a time? on a schedule or on demand? any problems nursing? did you ever supplement with formula?
- weight/height/length— how big at birth? did baby have a conehead? how much did they lose before gaining again? how fast did they gain? did baby have problems gaining weight?
- and on the comparisons went.
Some of it was normal; we were all learning the ropes of motherhood. But some was unhealthy, as we each compared and judged ourselves to be better or worse mothers in one area or another.
When we have our identity wrapped up in this job of mothering, we self-glorify or self-loathe.
When we wrap up other women’s value with the job of mothering, we idolize or disdain.
If we’re not careful to fight them, these attitudes will follow us through motherhood.
I recently listened to Tim Keller’s sermon, Blessed Self-Forgetfulness, and want to share with you some of the highlights from it. Below, I’m taking his points and bringing them to the place where his thoughts meet us here in our real lives as mothers.
Here’s the whole thing, and if you have time to watch it (40 minutes), I highly recommend it!
THE PROBLEM OF SELF-ESTEEM
As moms, we are continually tempted to control our lives in such a way that we achieve “self-worth” and find our identity in our motherhood, rather than in God’s assessment of us. We are often tempted to do this through pride that comes from comparison.
“Pride is essentially competitive – is competitive by its very nature – while the other vices are competitive only, so to speak, by accident. Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man. We say that people are proud of being rich, or clever, or good-looking, but they are not. They are proud of being richer, or cleverer, or better looking than others. If every one else became equally rich, or clever, or good-looking there would be nothing to be proud about. It is the comparison that makes you proud, the pleasure of being above the rest.” ~C.S. Lewis
When we give in to this temptation to compare ourselves as mothers, we are tempted to have contempt for those who do things both less and more “successfully” than us.
- When I’m more organized than HER, I feel good.
- When she’s a better cook than me, I feel bad.
- When I use more organic foods than her, I feel good.
- When her child gains weight easier than mine, I feel bad.
- When my child is the one throwing a tantrum, I feel humiliated.
- When her child is the one throwing the tantrum, I feel puffed up.
Comparison never leaves us sober and measured in our estimate of self and others. Comparison as the source of worth always leads us to pride or humiliation… a critical spirit, or an idolatrous spirit.
SELF-FORGETFULNESS… FOR MOMS
In the Apostle Paul’s letter to the Corinthians, Keller finds these basic ideas in Paul’s attitude:
- I don’t care what you think of me.
- I don’t care what I think of me.
- My clear conscience doesn’t make me innocent/right.
- Your judgments don’t make me guilty/wrong.
- God alone is my judge.
The remedy of low self-opinion is not high self-opinion. The remedy of high self-opinion is not low self-opinion.
The remedy for both is looking to God’s opinion.
My identity is not tied in any way to your verdict and your evaluation of me, and it’s not tied in any way to MY verdict and MY evaluation of me.
These form the basic idea of self-forgetfulness. Only God is our standard.
This is a critical point for us moms to grasp.
When we operate in blessed self-forgetfulness, God is the one who:
- encourages and strengthens you. (not my own good opinion, and not hers)
- chastens and convicts you. (not my humiliation, or her bad opinion)
- bolsters you. (not a need to prove myself or one-up someone else)
- brings you low. (not my own mistakes or her judgment of me)
Self-forgetful mothering is:
- not self-hating for all the mistakes you’re making
- not self-loving for all the things you’re doing well
- not hurt that bad by criticism, and yet still listens to it and submits to it when it is accurate and something that needs to be changed. (“Here’s an opportunity to change!”)
- excited for the “gold medal” mom, even when you’re the “silver medal” winner.
You can enjoy things that aren’t about you. Instead of filtering everything in the world through its effect on you, Keller says:
“you can actually enjoy things for what they are.”
The self-forgetful mom:
- can celebrate when another mom breastfeeds successfully, even when her own milk runs dry.
- can enjoy her own natural home birth and yet enter into another mom’s experience of an emergency c-section with empathy and concern, and without judgment or oneupsmanship.
- can see another kid losing it in the checkout line and not reflect it back on herself (either as “I understand; I had one just like that…” or “wow I’m so glad I don’t have a child like that”)
- can feed her child with the best food she can afford (financially and time-wise) to make, without comparing herself to those who are able to do better, or who do worse in this area
Can you be this kind of mom?
WHO IS YOUR JUDGE?
How do we get to this point? How do we throw others, and ourselves, out of the judgment seat?
Keller says:
“We’re looking for an ultimate verdict that we’re important, and that we’re valuable. Every single day, we go to trial. We’re in a courtroom every day.
“The problem with self-esteem… is that every single day, you’re in the courtroom, and you’re on trial. And there’s prosecution, and there’s defense. And every single thing that you do, you’re stamping ‘evidence for the prosecution,’ ‘evidence for the defense.’
“And some days, you feel like you’re winning the trial, and some days, you feel like you’re losing the trial. And Paul says– ‘I have found the secret; the trial’s over for me.’ I’m out of the courtroom… because the ultimate verdict is in.”
“It is the Lord who judges me.”
“In Jesus Christ, and only in the Gospel of Jesus Christ do you get the verdict BEFORE the performance.”
As a Christian mom, you can have blessed self-forgetfulness when you live in the knowledge that God is your judge.
If you are in Christ, the verdict is already in.
- you are accepted in the beloved
- you are dearly loved
- you are precious and ransomed
- God has given you all you need in Christ Jesus
In Christianity, the verdict can lead to the performance.
“Court is adjourned! He has said ‘you are my beloved child, in whom I am well-pleased.’ ”
Once you know this, you are freed to mother out of Christ’s wisdom, not out of a need for acceptance, but because you ARE accepted, and you want to listen to the wisdom of your King.
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- BEAT the “Mommy Wars”, and
- HAVE PEACE in my parenting decisions.
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Tagged baby, Comparison, criticism, friendship, judgment, mom, motherhood, self-examination, self-forgetfulness 
10 non-sexual touches a day.
It’s one assignment my husband gives to married couples who are struggling.
10 non-sexual touches a day. For some couples, it’s a steep challenge that takes hard work, like rusted-over gears that haven’t cranked in years. For others, after a few days or a week of practice, it starts an avalanche of touch that leads to healthier affection and connectedness. The old familiar flames start burning.
This one assignment reminds us all: you can fall in love with the same someone all over again.
I think it happens in a hundred little moments throughout the day. Teeny-tiny decisions snowball and, over time, change the way we feel, think, and behave. The 100 little daily choices in marriage are where we decide:
Today I want to ask you to consider the significance of the little moments. Neither a strong, godly, go-the-distance marriage, nor adultery, happens in an instant. Both are the outplay of hundreds of little, daily choices.
“Whoever is faithful in very little is also faithful in much, and whoever is unrighteous in very little is also unrighteous in much.” (Luke 16:10)
I’m reminded of a story: a group of Christian leaders sat around the table, ready to begin their annual organization meeting, when one of them asked about a prominent man who was missing. Another responded, “What, you don’t know?” Voices gasped and heads hung as he told about the absent man’s sexual sin that had been discovered just a week before. The man’s home life, church, and ministry had been wrecked.
After a few moments of stunned silence, one man softly spoke,
“When he fell, he didn’t fall far.”
What he meant was: no one goes from a full-on pursuit of holiness and Christlikeness into full-on deviant sexual sin. The minister’s final “fall” didn’t go from not-at-all-sinful to full-on adultery. It happened in small increments, and led to the wrecking of his entire life.
Over time, the small steps (whether steps of obedience or sin) lead to big-time results.
It’s true for all of us.
Song of Solomon 2:15 warns about “the little foxes that ruin the vineyards.” Little things get in and mess up what is good. The little choices can destroy your marriage.
Little choices come each day:
- “friend” an old boyfriend on Facebook, or decide to never even click on his profile picture.
- silently walk past your husband in the kitchen, or reach out and touch his hand or lightly scratch his back as you pass
- listen as your child complains about food, or teach them to be respectful because your husband works hard each day to buy that food
- after the kids go to bed, automatically head to the kitchen to do dishes while he relaxes on the couch, or sit down next to him with your hand on his thigh
- reach for a hug from an overly-affectionate man at church, or not
- focus your mind on what he’s not doing in your home/marriage, or focus on what he is doing in your home/marriage
- sit separately on the couch while you watch a show, or move over and snuggle while we veg out
We try to convince ourselves that a little curiosity about an old boyfriend won’t lead anywhere… that physical space between us isn’t so terrible… that a little complaining about the budget won’t wound his heart… that a little ranking of chores above connectedness won’t lead to staleness in the relationship.
But the little things add up.
“Little” arguments, “little” flirtations, “little” moments of self-indulgence– these truly can lead to massive, life-wrecking, church-splitting, marriage-destroying sins.
On the flip side, growth toward a decades-strong marriage is the result of seemingly-small decisions.
- The wife who texts something encouraging to her husband toward the end of his workday sets the stage for a pleasant evening.
- The woman who overlooks a fault and chooses not to gossip about her husband’s weakness to the ladies’ Bible study group is choosing grace and respect over “venting,” and that choice will play out over days and decades as her attitude toward her husband (and other people’s opinions of her husband) grow stronger rather than weaker.
- The wife who notices that her husband needs a refill and snags it while she’s in the kitchen will, over time, reap the benefit of a well-cared-for marriage, and her children see an example of diligence in relational upkeep, and minor ways of caring for one another.
The little things we do matter.
These little things will make a difference for where we are when we reach the final day of our marriage.
Today, will you be faithful in the 100 little choices of your marriage?
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- HAVE PEACE in my parenting decisions.
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Tagged Christian marriage, family life, husband, intentionality, intimacy, marriage, sex, touch, wife
Sometimes we blame our anger on circumstances (“it annoyed me that he kept doing x”), people (“she just gets under my skin,” or “our personalities just clash”), and sometimes–perhaps more rare– we own it all ourselves (“I’ve got an anger problem.”).
However, I think there’s one thing that is nearly universal in the way it consistently produces an angry mother.
The thing I’ve observed in myself in and others is this:
(Tweet that)
This seems paradoxical at first.
We can think we’re being kind or gracious to wait to discipline.
Aren’t I being *MERCIFUL* to overlook it the first 3 times, before finally dealing with it the 4th time?
No, what’s actually happening is this: I am being inconsistent (letting my child get away with something 3 times without correction, before it is no longer OK), and my frustration amps up each time I allow it to occur. God has built this into us– we know we should not allow a behavior, and so it makes us mildly annoyed… as it is repeated, we get more and more frustrated, to the point where our anger explodes because we “can’t take it anymore!”
WHY NOT IGNORE IT?
If we tune in and listen, we often hear it inside our heads the very first time something occurs. But too often, instead of listening to that pricking of the Holy Spirit, we overlook it, “let it slide” or even (due to bad advice) think we’d be wrong to correct it the first time and expect obedience from our child. We ignore the “mommy radar” God has built into our hearts.
WHY NOT CODDLING OR COERCION?
Some so-called Christian parenting gurus champion ideas that essentially praise overlooking sin and disobedience. They downplay the idea of a child learning to obey the first time (sometimes outright criticizing it, sneering about “first time obedience”), and instead, they:
- encourage being “playful” when your child disobeys
- tell you the child may not be mature enough to understand (even though the defiant gleam in the eyes says the child understands just fine)
- prescribe more hugs and encouraging words because when a child acts out, they’re simply a “little person” having “big feelings.”
I want to warn you. These ideas are poisonous and unbiblical. They produce angrier children and will ultimately delay your child’s ability to develop self-control.
GIVING BIBLICAL DISCIPLINE IS PART OF LOVING YOUR CHILDREN
Yes, we need to make sure that our children understand (and they do so very early!), and yes, we need to give them heaps and heaps of encouragement and praise (and snuggles and smiles and reading times and cuddles and silly faces, etc.). We should ABSOLUTELY be affectionate mothers who reach and seek to understand our children’s hearts. Our children should be raised in a very affectionate, encouraging, and loving environment; no doubt about that! (Click here for 35 Ways to Love Your Children.)
But the biblical response to disobedient, wayward sin is discipline (both from God toward us, and from us toward our children). I love the way the NKJV translates Proverbs 13:24:
Three pieces of wisdom are found here:
- Withholding discipline is hateful.
- Whatever anyone may say (even if they have the title “Christian” in their website or book), it is loving to discipline your child.
- The wise & loving parent disciplines PROMPTLY.
It’s that THIRD point I’m honing in on today.
REDUCE YELLING & ANGER BY DISCIPLINING PROMPTLY
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First, have you read my articles about yelling, anger, & sin?