“She seeks wool and flax, and works with willing hands. She is like the ships of the merchant; she brings her food from afar. She rises while it is yet night and provides food for her household and portions for her maidens. . . . She looks well to the ways of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.”
Proverbs 31:13-15, 27
VERSE 13: SHE SEEKS WOOL AND FLAX, AND WORKS WITH WILLING HANDS.
The artistry and skill of making an outfit has become just an optional college major. Nowadays, fashion design is thought of more in the realm of celebrity TV shows than in real life.
But in the time of Solomon, this was daily life for any woman. After seeking and gathering wool and flax, there was work to be done. The fibers had to be spun into yarn and then the yarn woven or stitched into fabric. Any artistry applied to make it more lovely or palatable increased its value and meaning (think of Joseph’s coat).
But HOW DOES THIS APPLY TO US TODAY? Are we all supposed to major in fashion design, or own spinning wheels and sewing machines?
The principle here is found in the last phrase: she “works with willing hands.” This woman is a worker; her hands willingly move to the task.
So if I want to take this overarching picture and apply its principles to my life then I should consider this: whatever the task is before me-– dinner, fixing a button, helping a child learn something in school, greeting people at church, folding laundry, editing a publication, or shopping for needed supplies– I am to do it “with willing hands.” That reminds me of Philippians 2, where we are told to “do all things without grumbling.”
Are you slow to move to the tasks God has put on your plate? Do you give a grudging obedience? Or could it be said of you that you “work with willing hands?”
VERSE 14: “SHE IS LIKE THE SHIPS OF THE MERCHANT; SHE BRINGS HER FOOD FROM AFAR.”
Merchant ships, even in the days of Proverbs & Solomon, brought spices and treats from faraway places. Consider what it would be like, to have always eaten lamb, rice, salty & savory dishes, and then have someone bring you a juicy, sweet pear grown in a distant land.
This woman pulls together a variety of elements to intentionally prepare nourishing meals for her family. Her efforts bless those around her. She may also “bring her food from afar” if it helps stretch the family budget. A couple weeks ago, two friends took me to some discount grocery stores in our area so that I can provide better quality food for our family, for less money than I’d spend at the normal grocery store. It takes a little more time and planning (because it’s farther away), but it’s worth it. Some people use a discount warehouse, or Amazon, in this way.
One commentator gave this verse a spiritual application. He said this sort of woman listens carefully and saves up spiritual truths “from far off,” so that she may be ready to apply them to her family & friends’ needs as they arise.
Are you intentional about the things you bring to your family? With spiritual and physical food, do you work hard to put valuable, good things in front of them, so that they might grow up strong?
VERSE 15: SHE RISES WHILE IT IS YET NIGHT AND PROVIDES FOOD FOR HER HOUSEHOLD AND PORTIONS FOR HER MAIDENS.
This gal’s not lazy. One Proverb talks about the lazy man turning over and over again in his bed. “How long will you lay there?” is a question that doesn’t have to be asked of this woman.
Now, without justifying laziness, I want to point out what I did in the first installment of this series– I believer this passage is a look at a woman’s whole life, not a snapshot of her homemaking perfection in the throes of being a mom of little ones or something.
This is not saying that it’s wrong to sleep in, or that we all need to have 5am quiet times, or that a biblical breakfast is one you have to wake up early to prepare. This is not saying that you are wrong to sleep in when you’ve been up half the night nursing your newborn.
That said, when needful, this woman chooses providing for her family and the people she’s responsible for OVER her own sleep.
I want to be careful here, because I think sleep is something that gets the short end of the stick in our current parenting culture. Too many moms are running around declaring strong feelings about “nighttime parenting” (which oftentimes means getting up however many times the child wants), but these same women are nearing the very end of their rope. The child and mom are both high-strung and seeking all sorts of medical help that could perhaps be mostly (if not entirely) alleviated by stringing together a good number of restful nights in a row.
This verse is not glorifying a lack of adequate sleep.
The big picture is important here. This is not saying, “sleep is unimportant, mama. Take the hit for your family anytime anybody makes a peep.” I believe this is saying, “This is a woman who prioritizes others. She cares for them and sees to their needs, even when it costs her. She makes sure everyone in her care has the essential things.”
VERSE 27: “SHE LOOKS WELL TO THE WAYS OF HER HOUSEHOLD AND DOES NOT EAT THE BREAD OF IDLENESS.”
This woman pays attention to the things going on in her household. She notices when someone’s having a growth spurt and needs an extra portion at dinner (or longer pants!). When she repeatedly sees that shoes pile up near a particular doorway, she places a basket there so they can be collected and not strewn in every direction. If her husband works the nightshift, she may adjust her family’s schedule to best suit that unique dynamic. She’s tuned into the “ways” of her household.
Are you paying attention to the “ways” of your home? Do you need to address things in your home that you are lazily overlooking? If your husband overlooked things in his job the way you do in your home, would he get a paycheck & promotions, or get fired?
I believe this last part — “does not eat the bread of idleness” — has a spiritual application. Are we satisfied with the “bread” we have learned in previous times of spiritual growth, or are we continually looking to God’s Word so that we can grow?
Are you spiritually “idling”, sitting still with old lessons learned and old gems mined from the Scriptures? Or are you actively working to glean new spiritual food so that you can better nourish yourself and others?
Also note: the way that she looks to the ways of her household is connected with her lack of idleness. It’s not mere *busyness* that she’s busy with… her busyness is for the benefit of her family and the function of the household.
If lazy, are there areas where you need to work more diligently to bless those who live in your home? If busy, are your activities focused on benefiting your household, or are you just busy with commitments and activities that take you away from the home?
CONSIDER:
- In what area of your life do you need to learn to joyfully “work with willing hands?”
- Could you stretch your family budget more by “bringing food from afar?”
- Do you see to the needs of your family, even forsaking sleep if need be, in order to care for them?
- Do a mental walk-through of your house, taking note of the “ways” of your household. Are there things in your home that need your attention and problem-solving, so that they function more efficiently or beneficially for your family?
- What commitments and obligations keep you busy? Do you need to cut some out, so that your activity is truly benefitting those who are in your household?
- What kind of commitment do you have to the Word of God? Have you been spiritually stalling and “eating the bread of idleness?” How will you prioritize this goal of mining fresh truth and encouragement from Scripture?
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Tagged Bible passages, homemaker, intentionality, marriage, Proverbs 31, wife 
An excellent wife who can find?
She is far more precious than jewels.
The heart of her husband trusts in her,
and he will have no lack of gain.
She does him good, and not harm,
all the days of her life. … Her husband is known in the gates
when he sits among the elders of the land.
Proverbs 31:10-12, 23
Excellent. Precious. Trusted. Good-doer. What a rich description of a godly woman.
The Proverbs 31 woman has taken her share of beatings lately. I’ve winced as I’ve read the comments across the web/blogosphere. “I’m sick of hearing about Proverbs 31! No more women’s Bible studies on that chapter please!” But the truth is: this chapter is relevant, applicable right in our daily lives, and provides a great challenge.
Proverbs 31 provides a model of what a life well-lived could look like. This is not a snapshot of a young mom “doing it all”/”having it all”. It’s descriptive, rather than prescriptive. This is a life-in-review chapter that describes what a God-fearing woman is and does (over the long-haul) for the family God has given her and the people around her.
Rather than seeing it as a guilt-producing chapter, this could be a clarion call to point to some areas where God can bring about growth in our lives.
Over the next weeks, I’m going to take these 22 verses in batches so we can look at them by subject matter. Today’s batch is about marriage.
VERSE 10: AN EXCELLENT WIFE WHO CAN FIND? SHE IS FAR MORE PRECIOUS THAN JEWELS.
A good wife benefits a man in ways that are far more valuable than physical money or treasure. Even science bears this out– one of the biggest factors in predicting a man’s life expectancy, health, and financial stability is whether he gets married or not.
One challenge for us is that qualifying word: EXCELLENT.
When I read that, I think: what would *MY* husband describe as “excellent”? Those are the things I should focus on. I could spend all day long organizing closets or keeping our photos and DVDS categorized and in order, but if the main thing he cares about is having something warm and hearty to eat after a long day at work, and that’s the thing I overlook, then all my organizing is (more or less) in vain.
What would your husband describe as “excellent”?
VERSE 11: THE HEART OF HER HUSBAND TRUSTS IN HER, AND HE WILL HAVE NO LACK OF GAIN.
This is a sticking point in many marriages. A wife who overspends, who manipulates situations to make things look better (or worse) than they actually are, a wife who never has things the way he wants them, or who is critical of her husband in public… these are wives whose husbands do NOT “trust in her.” The opposite-of-Proverbs-31 wife sneaks, lies, deceives, manipulates, or finds fault. Ultimately, she is not dependable and her husband knows it. In sharp contrast to this, the husband of the excellent wife in Proverbs trusts her implicitly.
Does your husband have reason to trust in you? Are you dependable and trustworthy?”
Then it goes on: “He will have no lack of gain.” Rather than being a drain on his mind and resources, the excellent wife is “gain” to her husband. Through her, Lord willing, God will give him children. Through her, his house is made into a home. Through her wisdom, creativity, and frugality, the income stretches. Through her insight and wisdom, his boyish ways grow into those of a mature, godly man.
Do you bring your husband “gain”? Are you growing in your ability to make your budget stretch? Do you bring wise counsel that helps him to grow and think about issues in his life and heart?
VERSE 12: “SHE DOES HIM GOOD, AND NOT HARM, ALL THE DAYS OF HER LIFE.”
When we think back to bad influences in our lives, we think about those who bring out the worst in us… those who led us into sin. The excellent wife in Proverbs 31 is clearly the opposite: all her days, she is doing her husband GOOD. It even spells out: “and not harm.” Her aim is to be a blessing, and never a curse, to her husband.
Do you have this tenacious desire to be a blessing to your husband? When you get to pick, what movies and shows are you putting in front of the eyes of your husband? Movies that inspires lust, or godliness? TV shows that demean men, or encourage them toward strength & courage? Does your conversation build up and move him Godward, or is your conversation base, shallow, and prodding you both closer to self, closer to flesh, closer to sin?
NOTE that this says “she does him good, and not harm, ALL THE DAYS OF HER LIFE.”
Each day, we can renew our commitment to being a blessing to our husbands. This is not something that’s “one and done”; it requires perseverance. And if it’s something that’s a new idea to you, it’s something you can begin today.
VERSE 23: HER HUSBAND IS KNOWN IN THE GATES WHEN HE SITS AMONG THE ELDERS OF THE LAND.
This seems jarring to our modern sensibilities. If this passage is all about her and her greatness, why does it jump, in the middle of the passage (seemingly out of nowhere!), to her husband?
It’s because her husband’s honor is an honor to her. Consider the disgrace one spouse can bring upon another. I don’t have to name names, but we can all think of public figures who have been publicly humiliated by their husband or wife’s behavior.
Biblically, a man who has been appointed as an elder is a man who cherishes and nourishes his wife, has been faithful to her, and leads his home well. This sort of man is an honor to his wife.
Perhaps you think, “well, my husband’s no respected elder.” Maybe he’s out of work. Maybe your guy’s a young gun. Maybe he’s a big fat sinner, like me and you, and has wounded you deeply. Whatever he is, and whatever he does, look for ways to honor and encourage him. Speaking from my own experience (of marrying a quiet unassuming guy who barely said a word, who is now a friendly pastor, involved in people’s lives), you may be quite surprised at what he’ll become if you honor him for what you see in him NOW, and encourage (not nag!) him toward godliness and growth.
Do you take joy in the honor of your husband? When was the last time he heard from you that you are proud of the man he is and the work he does?
Consider:
- What is one way you can grow in being an “excellent wife” to YOUR husband today?
- How can your husband gain, or benefit, from your actions or words today?
- Is there an area where you can stop ‘doing harm’ to your husband today?
- When will you take an opportunity to encourage your husband and let him know that you are proud to be his wife?
CLICK TO READ PART TWO: AN EAGER WORKER
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Tagged Bible passages, marriage, Proverbs 31, wife 
“How firm a foundation, ye saints of the Lord,
Is laid for your faith in His excellent word!
What more can He say than to you He hath said—
To you who for refuge to Jesus have fled?”
HOW FIRM A FOUNDATION, YE SAINTS OF THE LORD IS LAID FOR YOUR FAITH IN HIS EXCELLENT WORD!
For those of us who believe, Scripture is our foundation. If we’re not careful though, phrases like that can easily become mere rhetoric.
What does it mean to have Scripture as your foundation?
Is your foundation one built on solid rock or on sinking sand, and how do you tell the difference?
What is the foundation for your life? Do you truly see humanity through the lens that God does? When you think about yourself, your marriage, your children, your relationships and conversations, are you seeing each of those things from the perspective your favorite college professor, your mom, Oprah, your pastor, a blogger you like, your husband, culture, or from the perspective God lays out in Scripture?
To truly have the Bible as our foundation, we have to be people whose minds are shaped by God’s Word, which means:
- We have to actively be IN the Word
- We have to be on the watch for what IS influencing our minds & actively combat it
- We have to be sure we are letting the Word inform our thinking, and not just filing it in a separate “spiritual” category.
Do we really see the world, marriage, child-rearing, friendship, our daily attitudes, the way we run our homes, everything about our lives, through the lens that Scripture puts forward?
The Bible:
Do you know God’s Word well enough to discern when someone you like is saying things that do not line up with the Bible?
Are you in Scripture enough to be confronted when YOU have been believing and doing things that are not conformed to God’s standards?
WHAT MORE CAN HE SAY THAN TO YOU HE HATH SAID–
TO YOU WHO FOR REFUGE TO JESUS HAVE FLED?
I love this first verse of “How Firm A Foundation.” I think it highlights a problem of our generation. Many, many people in this generation are looking for “more” that God will say to them, for the simple reason that they don’t like what He has already said. The Bible describes that attitude like this:
For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine; but wanting to have their ears tickled, they will accumulate for themselves teachers in accordance to their own desires, and will turn away their ears from the truth and will turn aside to myths. ~ 2 Timothy 4:3-4
Sadly I see a great many professing Christians flocking to teachers who tickle their ears. These teachers rarely crack their Bible open, teach messages that are wholly indistinguishable from a business/entrepreneurial pep talk, or openly confess that they “don’t even know” if they believe in God. And yes, I have specific people in mind for each of these things: Joel Osteen, many popular women’s events, and Rachel Held Evans.
It sounds so appealing to our modern sensibilities to have someone who “admits they don’t know,” who “seeks to enjoy the journey, not just arrive at a destination.” We are lulled into thinking, “I want to learn from those who have questions, not those who think they have all the answers.” And to be sure, people walking in the way of the Lord will face questions and doubts from outside, and from within.
To this kind of thinking, though, the Word bolsters us with confidence:
I am so grateful for the skads of people, both in the past and in the present, who have walked through trials and pain and fear and doubt and found God faithful in the midst of it. I want my heart to be influenced by those who highly prize His Word and deal with it reverently and cautiously, not adding to or diminishing what is written inside.
For me, what that means is that I am extremely cautious about who I listen to, and am asking God for increasing discernment about the articles and books I read.
More than ever in my life I want God’s Word to be the firm foundation of my life.
Nothing else will do.
Will you purpose the same in your own life?
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Tagged Bible study, discipleship, Scripture, theology 
There are some things I can’t say without first referring you to this passage (Ephesians 5:17-33). Please read it in its entirety:
Do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is. …be filled with the Spirit, …giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
You noticed, I’m sure, the bolded parts. Go back and look at them. It’s the crux of the matter.
Those who despise words like “submission” and “complementarianism” would have you believe otherwise, but the whole point of marriage is found there in Ephesians 5:32:
“This mystery is profound… it refers to Christ and the church.“
Do you remember how the Jewish tabernacle was an earthly representation of a heavenly reality?
Similarly, Paul is telling us that marriage between a Christian man and woman is an earthly representation of something bigger. He calls it a “profound” mystery. Each couple, whether they know it or not, are representing a picture of Christ and the church.
Consider the way Christ gave Himself up for the church… sacrificing for us, giving His life for us, profoundly providing for our needs, nurturing our growth, always seeking our good.
Jesus was the ultimate archetype for what men are to be like:
- Passionate
- Pursuing
- Actively sacrificial
- In tune with the Father
- Fiercely committed, even to the point of death, to providing for the physical, and (even more importantly) the spiritual needs of His Bride
- Committed to the purity and nurturing of His Bride
- In tune with her needs (perhaps even more than she is)
- Caring for her as His own Body (I love the language: “cherish” and “nourish”)
Take note: this isn’t about who mows the lawn, who writes the checks/pays the bills, or what sort of skills or hobbies we possess. These character-driven roles are clearly gender-defined for the Christian marriage. But it doesn’t stop there. If it did, we’d all be complementarians.
Notice Ephesians 5, verse 24:
“…as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.”
Whoa.
And THAT’s the sticking point, right there. I can hear already the objections:
- “Me? Submit to HIM? In EVERYTHING?”
- “But what about abuse?”
- “But look- just above that, it says ‘submit to one another’!”
- “So women are to be mindless doormats, then, is that it?”
- “This isn’t the 50’s anymore, and I’m no June Cleaver!.”
- “So, what, you think men are better than women?”
- “What did Jesus ever say about gender roles?”
Etc.
And (quickly) the answers to those are:
- [“Me? Submit to HIM? In EVERYTHING?”] Yes, if you are married, you are to submit to him in everything, as long as he’s not leading you into sin.
- [“But what about abuse?”] Re-read this from the passage above. (“…husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church,”) A man who is physically abusive toward his wife is NOT – remotely – living out this verse. Additionally, the law of the land protects women in this situation. If you are being abused, get to a place of safety, submit yourself to the laws that exist to protect you, and seek biblical counseling.
- [“But look- just above that, it says ‘submit to one another’!”] Yes, it does say that, about the church at large– telling us how we are to love one another. And then it goes on to give more specific instructions for a more specific relationship: the one between husbands and wives (‘wives, submit to your own husbands”).
- [“So women are to be mindless doormats, then, is that it?”] Absolutely not. Exhibit A: I’m a blogger with skads of opinions. We have to take the whole counsel of the Word of God, and Proverbs 31 (along with other places) say things like, “wisdom is on her tongue.” We aren’t mindless, voiceless morons. We wouldn’t be “helping” or “complementing” our husbands if we withheld our wisdom and strength rather than contributing and combining it with theirs. Submission is actually a sign of controlled strength rather than of mindless weakness.
- [“This isn’t the 50’s anymore, and I’m no June Cleaver!.”] Great! Me either.
- [“So, what, you think men are better than women?”] I definitely don’t think men are better than women. I think men are uniquely designed by God to be intrinsically different from women. And vice-versa. And I think we’re all a bunch of rotten sinners and need Jesus so desperately.
- [What did Jesus ever say about gender roles?”] What Jesus said about gender roles in marriage is explicit. Everything Jesus said and did instructs husbands in their roles about how to better love and sacrifice for their brides. The whole point of marriage, from the beginning, is to point to Christ. And thus, His whole life instructs. The way we live out our roles gives mysterious vibrancy and color here on earth to something that is perfectly seen in Heaven.
HEADSHIP, LEADERSHIP, AUTHORITY
As a husband gives himself up for his bride, working to know her, love her, lead her, and serve her better as the years go on, he is pointing to Christ and the church. His self-sacrificing leadership, strength under control, and desire to nurture the one who is physically weaker and more dependent demonstrates a selflessness that is not of the flesh but of the Spirit.
As a wife yields to her husband, working as his unique helpmeet, using her strength to complement his, submitting to him willingly out of love, she points to the same picture: Christ and the church.
This is not about men being better or smarter than women. In fact, that’s clarified by another passage:
But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God. (1 Corinthians 11:3)
So headship in the BIble is not only compared to Christ and the church, but to God the Father and Christ.
Do you see that? Headship, authority… these things are not wicked, evil things. These are things that come into play in the relationship between the Father and the Son.
In fact, when we look further into Scripture, into the way that God describes authority and expects it to be carried out, we find this:
When Jesus and His disciples are talking about authority (Matthew 20, Mark 10), Jesus challenges them this way:
Jesus called them to him and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. It shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be your slave, even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.
This is the same principle laid out in the Ephesians 5 passage. The one who leads must be the one who serves. The one who has authority is the one who gives his life. The one who is the head is the one who nourishes and cares for the one following him. This is the Christ model.
Our culture has a knee-jerk reaction to these issues of submission and headship, but these texts make it clear: God doesn’t see authority and headship like we do.
SUBMISSION
Submission is such a tricky thing to discuss in our rights-focused, me-centered culture. The air we breathe is self-centered and inherently resistant to this idea of submission. In one sense (like Ephesians 5:21 commands), we are all to do this for (submit to) one another. Following Christ means giving up our lives for others.
But in an even deeper sense– Paul calls it a “mystery”– marriage is an even RICHER picture of this. Marriage provides an even more CLEAR picture of Christ and the church.
And in this relationship, women are the ones specifically instructed to submit.
It’s important to note that the verse is very clear: “women, submit to your own husbands.” This isn’t a men-at-large v. women-at-large thing. This is talking about one-on-one, not all women v. all men.
So, here’s a quick word to the unmarried: “Women, don’t get married to a man you can’t/won’t submit to, when the rubber meets the road.” Because submission isn’t really submission until there’s a disagreement/difference of opinion. When you are looking at a man, consider: is this a man I can, with the Lord’s help, submit myself to in those moments when we disagree?
SO THEN, WHAT DO WE DO?
To use the action words directly from the text, MEN, like Christ, are to:
- love
- give himself for his wife
- sanctify her with the Word
- present her to himself pure
- love his wife as his own body
- nourish
- cherish
- leave his father and mother
- hold fast to his wife
- become one flesh with her
- love his wife as himself
To use action words directly from the text, WOMEN, like the church, are to:
- submit to her own husband
- submit in everything to her husband
- see that she respects her husband
Culture warriors hate this text, and essentially call for gender neutrality (waving texts like “in Christ, there is neither male nor female” as evidence). But it is so very clear, when you simply read the text and see it for what it is. This is Paul’s very clear, very practical instruction to believers on the whole point of marriage. Our culture hates passages like these because our culture has an authority problem. We are obsessed with ideas like rights and boundaries. Our own feelings trump anyone else’s, always.
Please note: this is even true in our *Christian* culture. Rachel Held Evans, for example, trumpets all sorts of confusion into her proverbial microphone, and those who are listening are growing more and more confused, and less and less biblically grounded. Increasingly, even our Christian culture has an authority problem. Even our Christian culture is obsessed with “rights.” Even our Christian culture is obsessed with feelings.
But then, in comes Christ, upsetting the apple cart.
The head becomes the servant.
The utterly-imperfect church becomes the prized, cherished, nourished Bride.
Authority is still there. It can’t *NOT* be there. But it is an authority that seeks to bless those under its care. The One Who leads SACRIFICES for the one He leads. And those who submit do so willingly, not as slaves, but as strong and free individuals, who COULD revolt and demand their own way, but DON’T.
Folks, this is the Gospel.
This is why complementarianism goes hand-in-hand WITH the Gospel.
This is the God-honoring beauty of a Christian marriage.
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Tagged authority, Body of Christ, Eternal Perspective, family life, gender roles in marriage, headship, Home, intentionality, marriage, relationships, respect, submission, wife 
Moms, on today– Mother’s Day– let’s purpose to be thankful for whatever we are given, however small.
Frankly, any holiday can set us up to have unrealistic expectations. Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries… younger women are now even told to expect a “push present” for having birthed a baby. Again and again, we women are primed by our culture to expect huge things.
The people around us are bound to crumble, repeatedly, under the weight of such monumental expectations.
No one can live up to them.
Instead, let reality be your expectation.
Turn off Facebook and Instagram if need be, but do not let this day be ruined by jealousy, bitterness & ingratitude. We can choose to be thankful for what we have (which necessarily implies that there are things we *don’t* have, that we must choose not to dwell on or allow to embitter us). Perfect holidays are the stuff of movies & greeting cards. Most of us live w/ imperfect people, imperfectly celebrating.
Let’s be grateful, right here in the imperfect.
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- BEAT the “Mommy Wars”, and
- HAVE PEACE in my parenting decisions.
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Tagged Contentment, gift-giving, holidays, presents, realistic expectations, thankfulness 
As parents look to parenting books, methods, advice, and make decisions about how to raise up their children, there are skads of opportunities to encounter really lousy advice. It can be difficult, in this age of TV psychologists and celebrity moms and PhD-toting “experts”, to know what is right.
Rather than try to lay out specifics, if you are a first-time mom, or just beginning to make some of these life-impacting decisions about parenting and discipline, I want to encourage you to ask yourself four questions about whatever advice you are contemplating.
(1) DOES THE ADVICE LINE UP WITH WHAT THE BIBLE SAYS ABOUT DISCIPLINE?
Spend an afternoon at Biblegateway.com and do a word search on “discipline”. Note the way the word is used, who has authority over who, and who is held responsible for children & their actions & attitudes.
Read about various parents in the Bible– Eli and his sons, how Solomon talks to his son as he gives advice in Proverbs, how Samson’s parents interacted with him and what those results were. Take to heart the commands given to parents (Deut 6, throughout Proverbs, to church leaders in the epistles about what their kids should be like, in each of the Pauline letters– how children should act, how parents should train/teach).
Look at the whole counsel of the Word of God as you consider advice, and let it shape and sharpen your view on parenting.
(2) DO YOU KNOW ANYONE IN REAL LIFE WHO FOLLOWS THE ADVICE?
Are their kids pleasant to be around? Depending on the ages of their kids, are their young children generally joyful and obedient? Are their teenagers respectful, or rebellious? Are their adult children following God? Whether they have one or many children, would it be pleasant and encouraging to be around a large group of people like their children?
This is not to say that there is some perfect parenting formula that will turn out perfect human beings– of course not! But on the whole, we should consider the “fruit” of those whose advice we heed. If we want to do well in our marriage, we ask advice from people who have made wise choices and persevered and have a strong marriage. If I want to learn to bake or cook well, I strive to learn from those who do so, not from the person who cooks primarily out of cans and boxes, or who doesn’t enjoy cooking.
Another point on this score is that internet advice, or book advice, can be good (in fact, I’ve been spurred on and encouraged by many godly mamas in online form)… but the proof is in the pudding. You don’t have to go looking very hard online to find women who have very little parenting experiences accompanied by very loud and boldly-declared opinions. It is much more beneficial to have solid advice from a person you know and trust, than to have extensive advice from someone “out there” whose life you really don’t know anything about.
(3) IN GENERAL, DO THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOW THIS ADVICE HAVE FAMILIES THAT ARE JOYFUL? PEACEFUL & RESTED? A BLESSING TO THE PEOPLE AROUND THEM?
The Bible says: “Discipline your child, and he will give you peace (“rest”, in some translations). He will bring delight to your soul.” ~Prov 29:17 Good discipline should yield PEACE, REST, DELIGHT. These should be the over-arching results of godly discipline in a home.
Does your child (or do your children) give you peace and rest? Delight in your soul?
Do families who follow this advice seem at peace? Is it delightful to be around them?
It’s not at all that I’m saying everything has to be roses and sunshine, or that godly families won’t have struggles or moments of complete and utter humanity and failure. Medical situations come up, seasons of extra pressure or difficulty arise, and of course, we’re dealing with sinful human beings (parents and children alike) and no one is perfect!
And one quick side-note: there are MANY instances where disciplining your children WELL will actually make the child madder in the short-run. This is not what I am talking about. You persevere through that and don’t think “that doesn’t work for him.” Keep going. Discipline consistently and faithfully. Don’t think that long-term “peace & quiet” means immediate/momentary peace & quiet. In our home, there have been a number of times of persevering through a grumpy child’s ugly attitudes that rare up because he/she does not like the fact that they have an authority figure.
But in general, does the advice you’re following lead to peace?
(4) DOES FOLLOWING THE ADVICE PUT YOU AT ODDS WITH, OR STRENGTHEN YOUR ONENESS WITH, YOUR SPOUSE?
Unless there is a situation of abuse or neglect (which is an entirely different matter and should be dealt with legally), we should seek to find a place of peace and agreement in how we parent our children, but in the end, we are to respect and submit to the leadership of our husbands. God made men and women different for a reason… and we may not see eye-to-eye on every single detail. Still, though they (and we) are imperfect, He gives husbands & fathers ultimate headship and responsibility for leading their families.
Many times, I have encountered young mothers who put themselves at odds with their husbands over this issue of discipline by taking a hard stance against the very methods their husbands would like to use. It is not difficult to find young wives online– especially on message forums or blogs– husband-bashing because their husbands desire peace, rest, and delight in their homes– the very thing that Proverbs says that discipline will bring.
If your husband desires peace and quiet, and well-disciplined children, he desires something good. And it’s something that virtually every culture has expected of their children for thousands of years. This IS doable. Listen to the counsel of your husband. Let him lead your family.
Interested in reading and learning more about parenting & discernment?
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There may be other considerations that are important to you, but these are the ones that came to my mind as common “sticking points” for young parents as they consider how to raise their kiddos. I pray God’s blessings and His wisdom (He promises to give it– James 1:5) on you as you seek His guidance in these matters.
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- BEAT the “Mommy Wars”, and
- HAVE PEACE in my parenting decisions.
SIGN UP now & I’ll send it your way: Posted in Grow as Homeschooler, Grow as Mom
Tagged childrearing, children, discipline, family life, mom, parenting, preschoolers 
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