trust God Archives – Page 2 of 2 – Jess Connell

As women, we are apt to be controllers.

We tightly grip the things that matter most to us. We clutch our children, control our husband, treasure our possessions, count calories meticulously… whatever it is that matters to us, we tend to hold it tightly.

But… it happened to me again this week: whatever we try to control ends up controlling us. As my heart quaked over something I couldn’t control, it took me longer than it should’ve to remember:

God doesn’t mean for us to live this way.

Let me ask you directly: What are you “clutching in your hands?”

In Deuteronomy 16, God laid out instructions for coming before Him:

Three times a year all your males shall appear before the LORD your God …They shall not appear before the LORD empty-handed.

Throughout the Old Testament, God commanded the people of Israel to come before Him with sacrificial offerings, taken from the possessions and fruit of their labors. They were not to “appear before the LORD empty-handed.”

I have lived among cultures where a regular sacrificial offering was a religious duty. Where poor and rich alike bring things to God, hoping to find favor and forgiveness.

The autumn air was crisp as I walked to my language lesson, and came upon a horse that had (only moments before) had its neck slit for sacrifice. On my way back an hour later, it was still alive, taking its final sputtery breaths.

Our first apartment in Istanbul was a quarter-mile from a tent where the bleating sheep were marked with neon orange spray paint, according to value, awaiting their slaughter for the “cutting holiday.” In a matter of weeks, the tent was silent and empty.

Human hands controlling, reaching, stretching out to obtain God’s favor.

ONE SACRIFICE FOR ALL

How freeing that, as believers in Christ, our song can be:

Nothing in my hand I bring
Simply to the cross I cling; Naked, come to Thee for dress, Helpless, look to Thee for grace. Foul, I to the fountain fly;

Wash me, Savior, or I die!

Christ’s perfect payment on the cross frees us from the requirement of bringing things to God, and instead compels us to hold everything in our lives up to God with open hands.

While as believers we are no longer under the wrath of God, needing to bring sacrifices to atone for our sin, we have the privilege to bring Him everything we have. We no longer need to clutch everything, and everyone, in our lives.

Instead, we bring them to Him willingly.

…the attitudes of our hearts, the hurts in our marriage, the people in our lives, the possessions we own, the children we are afraid we are messing up, the situations we are facing…

We can bring it all to the One Who knows best, not out of duty-bound obligation as payment to God, but as a child. The humble child who recognizes that he is not all-capable quietly brings his shoes to his dad and says, “will you help me put on my shoes?” He knows he needs someone bigger than himself. He comes not out of obligation but out of a recognition- “I can do nothing without your help.”

Do you have that attitude toward our Father in Heaven?

Do you believe, “I can do NOTHING, Lord, without YOUR help”?

The problem is, all too often, we don’t.

Even though we say we believe, we fail to trust God with the things we care about most. And so we control.

We tightly grip our husbands and children, seeking to control their actions and words.
Fear keeps us in a cycle of endless churning over things, people, and circumstances (all of which are ultimately beyond our control).
We seek to control our homes, some of us through yelling fury & domination, and others through emotional hype and mommy martyrdom.
All the while, anxiety controls US, so that we clutch it all even more tightly.

When we are clutching people, things, or circumstances, it points to a heart issue of one kind or another.

Tight-gripped hands point to a lack of trust of the Father.

As women, with hearts that desire to control everything and everyone around us, we can look at our lives and consider:

What am I clinging to? What am I tightly clutching?
Am I behaving as a non-Christian, a follower of some other religion, as if I have to control things and “make offerings” to God in order to appease Him, earn His favor, or make Him do things the way I want?
Am I behaving as an unbeliever, as if God is powerless or untrustworthy? Are my hands clutching for control because I doubt His goodness and care for me?
Am I behaving as if I am the sovereign God? As if *I’M* the only one who can get things done as they ought to be done?

Friend, even as I pose this question to you, I’m asking it of me:

What do your hands say about your faith?

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“To glorify someone is to praise, enjoy, and delight in them.” ~Tim Keller

This short tweet stopped me in my tracks. It’s not that I hadn’t heard these ideas before, or didn’t know the definition of glorify.

But, simply, this little definition provides such a practical litmus test for us as believers. Sometimes “glorify God” can seem so ethereal, but this brings it down to the practical level.

WHO DO I PRAISE, ENJOY, AND DELIGHT IN?

This is one of those questions that we all know the “right” answer to. But don’t let your heart leap over to the ease of that “right” answer.

Instead, consider, if a group of objective people was put into a conference room and one of them hit “play” on a compilation soundtrack of your words, written communication, and thoughts, AND could see the hidden motivations behind your choices over the last six months, who would be at the center of your mental focus?

Whose praise am I most preoccupied with?
Whose joy do I seek?
Who do I place at the center of my delight?

WHO IS IT THAT I’M GLORIFYING?

MY HUSBAND? – Is there an inordinate focus on my earthly husband? Do I expect him to fulfill me in ways that only God can? Do I grasp for his praise, his notice, his recognition? Do I primarily derive my joy and delight from him? Do his moods and actions lead me on a roller coaster of emotions and moods?
MY CHILDREN? – Are they the people I most wholeheartedly praise and seek to please? Do their successes or failures puff me up high with pride or bring me down low with despair? Am I wrapped up in their doings, hurts, and successes?
SOMEONE ELSE? Perhaps a friend, boss, or someone I look up to? Perhaps a celebrity or author?
ME? – Am I ultimately a praise-seeker, pursuing my own self-focused “kingdom,” and delighting in the things that please and promote me? Are my own ways, ease, and desires the center of my focus?

Who is it that I praise, enjoy, and delight in?

Think back to that soundtrack of your mind– would an honest evaluation of your moment-by-moment thoughts point to Christ, or to someone/something else, at the center?

I suspect that, in that room where all our thoughts, actions, words, and motivations were laid bare, very few of us could honestly answer, “Christ is consistently at the center. Christ is who I most praise, enjoy, and delight in.”

While some of us may find that our praise and joys rest on others, for most of us, I would imagine that our commitment to our own promotion, success, and happiness is what looms largest in the priorities of our hearts.

When our joy terminates on an individual (even if it is the individual of “self”), it is an unsustainable joy. Only God can bear up under the weight of continual praise and glory. It would crush anyone else to be at the center of our affections and expectations in that way.

When I see myself and my heart motivations in this light, it makes me want to fight harder against worship of anything other than Christ.

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I still remember those mornings laying in bed, paralyzed with fear, staring at the creaks coming from the ceiling over my head. We’d just purchased a 30-year-old home in the country, and my husband left for work by five each morning. The attic creaks had me “convinced” (though I would regularly rationalize myself back into reality) that a homeless man had taken up residence in our attic, and meant us harm. (Maybe a similar plot line I’d seen on CSI helped convince me, too… ugh!)

That fear was irrational, and fueled by fixing my mind on something fearful (the TV show).

But not all fears are irrational. Sometimes they “make sense” to our human brains. There are fears that many would say are “natural” for us to feel. But, “God has not given us a spirit of fear.”

Instead, we are called to have faith… so what is it that moves us from fear to faith?

This morning, I read through the Hebrews 11 chapter, sometimes called “The Hall of Faith.”

It begins with, “Faith is…”

The whole thing starts with the definition: “the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.”

What I noticed on this read-through was the thing that moved each one of them toward God.

It wasn’t that these men and women didn’t face truly fearful things:

A coming deluge that would wipe out the world
The death of your only son
Having a baby at 91 years old (I mean, put down your Bible knowledge & actually THINK about that. Have you ever seen a ninety-one year old woman? Now imagine it– A BABY… at NINETY-ONE years old. Labor… at NINETY-ONE years old. That is terrifying.)
Giving up riches and power for identity with a hated, enslaved people
Your back against the sea, and a fearsome army on your heels
The city and civilization you love and know falling down around you

They faced really fearful things.

But yet… they were commended for their faith. (In fact, in 1 Peter, we are told that we are Sarah’s daughters if we, “do not fear anything that is frightening.”)

How did they do it?

We’re given glimpses of it throughout the chapter:

“By faith Noah, being warned by God concerning events as yet unseen, in reverent fear constructed an ark…”
“[Abraham] went out, not knowing where he was going. By faith he went to live in the land of promise… For he was looking forward to the city that has foundations, whose designer and builder is God.”
“By faith Sarah herself received power to conceive, even when she was past the age, since she considered Him faithful who had promised.”
“By faith Abraham… offered up Isaac… He considered that God was able even to raise him from the dead.”
“By faith Moses refused to be called the son of Pharoah’s daughter… He considered the reproach of Christ greater wealth than the treasures of Egypt, for he was looking to the reward.“

And then the author of Hebrews brings it home for us:

“Therefore, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.” (Hebrews 12:1-2)

We will stop operating in fear, and move into faith, when we set our eyes and fix our hearts on future joy in God.

It’s a matter of where we’re looking.

If we are laying in bed with our eyes fixed on the ceiling… a cancer diagnosis… a broken relationship… our lives in rubble around us, our throat constricts and fear rises. If we’re looking to the immovable, dependable God who saves… the One who makes beauty from ashes… who offers eternal reconciliation and peace… who has built a future city where joy will be ours, we can, like Christ, “endure” the crosses put in our path, “for the joy” set before us.

When you look at the events of your life, especially those things that threaten to drown you in a sea of fear, where are you looking?

Are you looking at the frightening thing, or are your eyes (and is your heart) fixed on the joy-giving God who is bigger than anything that is frightening?

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My husband lost his job at our home church, last November. He applied for a number of positions, mostly in TX, and one in WA. It was, and is, one of the more difficult seasons of life that we’ve walked through. Months of hanging on to the Lord in what felt like a swirling vortex.

It was rough. And God was good.

The church in WA (that ultimately hired Doug) flew us up for a ten-day interview/”trial” period, so that we could get to know the church and they could get to know us, and all of us could be much more clear (at the end of that time) on who/what we were getting into, before we or they “committed.” I loved the approach– so different from what I’ve often seen in pastoral search situations: a whirlwind weekend of flurried activities & little-to-none authentic relational connection.

After we came back, we had to pack up our house while waiting to hear back about whether or not he’d be offered the position. Either way, whether we got the offer or not, we knew we’d have to move (either to WA, or to a downsized place in Dallas).

To be honest, I had mixed feelings.

I loved that house— near family, useful to the Body, with so much built-in fun for us as a family. It was such a perfect expression of God’s grace toward us.

I’ve shared before how I think feelings about earthly homes translate to what our longing for and joy in Heaven should be like.

Let me share with you the first prayer written in my journal, after our return to TX after that 10-day interview process (and parts of it are just my raw heart but I want you to see the truth about where I was, and not mask the ugly parts). I forced my hand to begin listing out thanks when I really wanted to grump & throw a fit:

“Father, I am still such an easily-angered, headachy mess. Thank You for this house.

all 4 bedrooms

all 3 bathrooms

the office

the sunroom

the large living & dining areas

the beautiful kitchen with the corner window box

the large laundry room

his & hers closets

the pool & cabana area– pleasant in all seasons (even in the winter sun!)

the yard & firepit– the tire swing Doug built and the jungle gym that was Mike’s [Doug’s dad]

the workshop where so much fun has been had & the chicken coop built

the “junkyard” where the chickens have resided

the attic that has held our children’s clothes

the care groups we’ve hosted

the friends who’ve come to swim

the football games enjoyed in the front yard

the kids’ enjoyment of the yard, the fort with the spiral stairs, the junkyard, the “secret-cut-through behind the fence

the front garden beds

There is so much I love about this home. I trust You. I *know* You know best. You’ve given us everything good– always what is best for every season.

You are good & I trust You. I trust You to give us the best WA home– and that ultimately in Heaven I will be delighted by You alone,
— having been stripped of earthly idols.

I feel Your stripping away now- of the idols & earthly ties. And I need it and value it, even though it is immensely painful.”

God is so good to strip away the cravings of our flesh & our love for earthly things— even when they are pried from our grasp, or it feels like the rug has been pulled out from under us. His heart for us is GOOD, and we can rest in that, even when everything else is swirling & uncertain.

One of the things I have prayed for our family and our children is that we would value people over things, and that we would hold our “things” loosely (including homes). So then, I have to welcome even the difficulty of “losing” a house that we loved.

[And with that, permit me a brief rabbit trail: DO I THINK GOD “OWED” US A NICE HOUSE? Not at all. In fact, for the whole time we lived there, even right up to the last moments I spent there, I felt like it was ALL GRACE. I remember my sweet believing friends in Turkmenistan who are under constant threat of persecution. I remember Chinese believers meeting quietly in small apartments and baptizing new believers in tiny tubs in crowded bathrooms. I remember the poor and the rich and the well-provided for and the financially-struggling friends and family members that I’ve had and call to mind that God is good amidst it all.]

He is GOOD IN EVERY circumstance.

So then, I can praise Him and be content with “much” when He provides it.

WHICH brings me to today.

After about a week here, our realtor drove in front of a beautiful house near the church and said she thought it would be perfect and was about to go on the market. I told her it was excessively out of our price range. So that was that. Or so I thought.

A week later, when we upped our budget by quite a bit (it takes a while to get used to WA prices after being in TX) I asked to see it.

A short walking distance to our church, with a double city lot, it is precious and enjoyable in every way (and more) that I could have asked for. Like each of our previous homes, it is a picture of GRACE.

We signed the papers for it this last weekend.

God has just done it again. Blown my mind with His goodness and care for us.

He would still be GOOD if she hadn’t accepted our offer. He would still be GOOD if we had ended up in the smaller home a 15-minute-drive away that we thought we’d be getting less than a week before we made an offer on this one. He would still be GOOD if we’d had to pause our house search and ended up renting an apartment. He’d still be GOOD if we had ended up on food stamps in a downsized house in Dallas. He’d still be GOOD if Doug was still looking for work and we were still hanging out on a limb in limbo. He will be GOOD if somehow this contract fails and we don’t get this house.

But today, from my vantage spot– the place where His sovereign hand has brought us– I am utterly overwhelmed by His grace. I want to praise Him for His good gift to us. My praises are flying heavenward for all that He has done to teach me through these (relatively) temporary, earthly homes. My home is in Heaven, and until then, I get to learn about “home” through these earthly provisions He gives.

This weekend, in the midst of Easter thoughts, it was so very clear to me:

God shines brilliant through the muckiest muck. Crucifixion, then Resurrection. What looks bleak is made beautiful in His time.

LET ME ENCOURAGE YOU:

PRAISE GOD IN THE MIDST OF THE MUCK.-– Force your heart, your lips, and/or your pen to list out the good things of your hard time. I know it’s not easy. OH, I know it. You saw the journal entry– I was migrainey and frustrated and heartbroken. But as I began to list out all of the good things, my heart began changing and praising Him became easier.
WHEN YOU ARE HURTING, TAKE HOPE FROM OUR REDEEMING GOD.– At the Cross, in Jesus, we can find real & lasting hope. What seemed final and senseless– Christ’s DEATH– was redeemed by the Father. Our hope is in the resurrecting God who redeems the things that seems most tragic, most confusing, most hurtful, most jarring. When no man could make good out of a situation, God can.

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You remember the story.

Twin brothers– one with a penchant for cooking, the other a hunter. The cook (the younger of the two) had the favor of his mother. The hairy hunter was his father’s delight. In a moment of desperate hunger, focused on the immediate longing of his belly, the hunter traded his birthright— his blessing because he was firstborn– for what his brother had cooked up. When his twin conspired with his mom to get the blessing from Esau at the end of his father’s life, Esau could only blame himself.

And then there’s Jesus. He, for the joy set before Him, endured the cross. What a stark contrast He is to the carnal Esau, who for a single meal, sold His birthright.

In Hebrews 12, they are two examples, exhibiting a focus on entirely different things– Christ focused on eternal joy; Esau focused on momentary hunger:

“let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus …who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, …Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, …Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord. See to it that …no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled; that no one is sexually immoral or unholy like Esau, who sold his birthright for a single meal. For you know that afterward, when he desired to inherit the blessing, he was rejected, for he found no chance to repent, though he sought it with tears.

How many things in our lives have the potential to be like Esau’s stew?

Will I choose the immediate pleasure that I desire… despite the cost?
Will I choose what is temporal and fills my belly… even though it does not go along with long-term goals?
Will I choose what my feelings convince me will make me “happy”… even though it breaks my vows or goes against God’s Word?
Will I choose to say the thing that my flesh longs to say… though it brings sorrow, pain, or division?
Will I choose a focus on acquiring more things that make my life easier… despite having spoken beliefs that only Christ– and not things– will satisfy my heart?

…or Will I take up my cross and follow Jesus, because of the joy set before me in eternity?

Now, let me say– it’s not always that simple. If my choices are english muffin or oatmeal for breakfast, one’s not stew, and the other “the cross.”

But sometimes it IS that simple.

Sometimes we know… by the Spirit, by God’s grace, we know. We know that there is a decision facing us– something we will say or not say, something we will do or not do, a vow we will break or not break, someone we will wound or not wound– and one choice is “stew” and the other is “cross.”

And don’t tune me out: I’m convinced that this sort of big-picture philosophy actually matters in those places where the rubber meets the road in the Christian life.

It’s how affairs happen. A woman’s desire for an affectionate, heart-pounding kiss from someone she’s gotten too close to overrides the vow she made to her husband and to God, and within a short time, everything about her life has come tumbling down. Stew.

It’s the place where laziness meets parenting– we want them to be quiet, and so instead of doing the (longer, more difficult) work of training our children to be pleasant and enjoyable, we frustratedly yell, “Would you guys JUST BE QUIET?!” Stew.

It all (ultimately) relates to the the stew and the cross.

In that moment, when the choice is ours, will we choose the temporary, short-lived, good-to-the-eyes, easy “stew”, or will we choose to embrace the cross of the Christ-life– willfully enduring the suffering sent our way because our eyes are set on eternity?

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Psalm 23 has come up in various places in my life lately… you know how God does that? Sometimes He brings something to your face in various ways all at roughly the same time.

Quick story:

Last week, we thought we’d found a potential house for our family. It was an old church that had been converted to a daycare. It had the good bones of the old church, but some of the daycare decor that would actually work for our family (like a huge wall grid for sorting laundry & stashing games in the laundry room right off of the family room). It would have been majorly cool. And a great size for our family. With some acreage (and a view of the Columbia RIVER–ACK!). But it didn’t work out. The more we looked at it, the more obvious it was that the potential cost for renovation was too close to the line for us to take the plunge.

That afternoon, I told my nearly-8-year-old daughter that it was a good day for a nap. But the protests were fierce. “I don’t NEED one! I don’t want a nap! I’m not a baby. I’m not even tired.” On and on they went.

But I know my daughter.

All the signs were there, and we’d been ultra-busy & up later than usual the previous few nights. So I insisted. I told her to trust her mama who knows what she needs. In not much time at all, she was asleep. And even with a mid-nap interruption that woke her up, she took over a two-hour nap.

She CLEARLY needed the rest.

It made me think of the house and the decision not to buy it. Perhaps God is keeping me from taking on more than I can handle. He is making me lie down and rest and not buy that house (and all the associated energy-sucking work that would come with it).

God knows what I need better than I do. He is my Father who knows me better than I know myself.

He knows when I need rest. He knows when I would take on more than I should. He also (conversely) knows when I can do more than I am.

He knows me. I can trust Him.

Though I would take on more than I should… Though I would lie to myself and say “I can do it”… Though I might kick and scream and say, “I don’t need to rest!”

Though I might be convinced, “God built me strong” (which… yes, I used to say)

He knows me better than I know myself. He is my Shepherd, and He faithfully, lovingly cares for my soul with a long-term view for His GLORY and my GOOD.

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.

(from Psalm 23)

The Psalmist said, “He makes me lie down…” And sometimes, that’s exactly what He does. I don’t know if I’m moving into a season of more rest, and less running around. But sometimes our Shepherd makes us lie down, even at times when we would choose to be “up” and “doing.”

But I know this: if He makes me lie down, it will be for my good and for His glory.

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Lately I’ve talked with some friends who are hurting. I should say, who are *also* hurting.

From my tiredness, feeling like a towel that has been wrung, all I feel is twisted and dry. I feel very cautious about saying anything about the hurt.

Though poets and celebrated authors have received acclaim and income from quantifying pain in the moment it is felt, I step lightly, tentatively around the discoveries made while in my own pain, until I am even just a step or two ahead on the path, and can look back and evaluate which parts were truth, mined from His Word, illuminated by God’s Spirit, and which parts were (for me) exploitative, manipulative, self-pitying feelings.

Through my own mess and exhaustion I can say that I am seeing God soften and shave off areas that have needed His editing for a long time.

I needed to be humbled and broken.

I needed for some of my comforts to be stripped of me.

I needed for Him to give me what I would never have chosen.

And then– gulp– because I see that NOW, I have to also acknowledge that whatever else He sends in my life, is what I will need, so that in the end I look more like Jesus. No matter how painful.

It would be easier not to see that– but God keeps reminding me that His goal for me isn’t for me to be supermom but to be like JESUS.

He is FIERCE about it. Committed to it. His aim– the dot on the target for me– is Christ-like-ness.

If somehow, through His tenacious grace, I persevere and cling to Him, the most gracious thing He can give me is the trials I would never choose. Part of the most true LOVE He can pour out on me is to send the rain and the wind in my life… to pelt me with hail, yes, sometimes even in my bruised spots.

And at that very same time, there is comfort & security there. He is a safe person to “fail” and fall in front of. No one needs to tell Him about mankind. He knows our weakness– that we are dust. He tells us that He will not break the one who is bruised. His love is dependable– He never fails.

When He sends the hard times, He does it for my good. He does it with eternity in mind. He does it knowing that my sanctification needs to be accomplished this way. He does it, knowing ME better than I know myself.

We need what we would never choose.

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In King David’s day, it went like this:

“Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God.” ~Psalm 20:7

What are our modern American “chariots?” What do we trust in? I have some ideas. Scan them and see if any of them strike a nerve for you, and then add your own in the comments.

FINANCIALLY:

Some trust in bank balances and some in 401(k)s…
Some trust in two incomes and some in having the right degree…
Some trust in their husband and some in themselves…
Some trust in a the housing market, and some in the economy…

FOR PARENTING OUR CHILDREN:

Some trust in public school, some in Christian private school, and some in homeschooling…
Some trust in Babywise, and some in Attachment parenting…
Some trust in spanking, and some in time-outs…
Some trust in unschooling and some in hyperscheduled kids…
Some trust in academics and some in extracurriculars…
Some trust in vaccines and some in a lack of vaccines…

FOR HOMESCHOOL MOMS:

Some trust in Sonlight and some in Abeka…
Some trust in co-ops and some in isolation…
Some trust in sheltering and some in wide exposure…
Some trust in smart children and some in obedient children…

FOR WIVES:

Some trust in a strong husband and some in a strong paycheck…
Some trust in personal appearance and some in sexual intimacy…
Some trust in manipulation and some trust in their children…

FOR OUR HAPPINESS:

Some trust in OCD cleaning and some in Better Homes & Gardens rooms…
Some trust in frugality and some in “retail therapy”…
Some trust in gifts and some in “me-time”…

Want to write some more that you see around you? Please share in the comments.

Let me challenge you- don’t just attack the things that are “over there” in HER home. Look at your own heart too.

What are you tempted to place your trust in?

Can you think of something specific (other than God) that you’ve recently been tempted to trust in?

Instead, counsel your heart: “but we trust in the name of the LORD, our God.“

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