Pastor Matt Chandler says, “I would contend, no one has lied to you more than you have.”

One of the biggest lies I think we tell ourselves, is, “I don’t have time for that.”

We haul this whopper out whenever we hit something that we know would be beneficial but we aren’t actually doing it. It could be any number of things:

  • Family time
  • Exercise
  • The ability to meet a particular goal
  • Reading out loud, regularly, to the kids
  • Time to call a friend
  • Time to actually get together with that friend (and not just keep saying, “oh, let’s get together.”)
  • Bible reading
  • Soul-baring prayer
  • Time to actually sit and talk and look your spouse in the eye (and really kiss and…)
  • Reading books for growth

But here’s the truth: All human beings have the same 24 hours to spend each day. A year is the same length of time for a go-getter as it is for a couch potato. It was the same length of time for prayerful, godly Puritans, as it is for us. President Obama doesn’t get more time than the rest of us, and the most lazy and unproductive person on earth doesn’t have any less than the rest of us. Until we die,we all operate with the same amount of time available to us.

And here’s another truth: We make time for what’s important to us. 

Each day we make choices:

  • to text rather than call,
  • to pin a few pins rather than handwash the remaining dishes,
  • to sweep up the cracker mess under the high chair rather than kick up our feet,
  • to exercise rather than watch another episode 
  • to take a nap in the dark rather than read a book in the sunshine
  • to churn with worries rather than turn in prayer to God

(And I want to point out that only the last one of those sets of options has a clear right and wrong.)

Each choice we make is ours to make.

But then we need to own it. 

Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil.Ephesians 5:15-16

We need to quit lying to ourselves, as if our days and weeks are stolen out from under us without our knowledge and participation.

Want an example? “Ugh! I just haven’t had time to exercise lately.” Baloney. And I’m saying “baloney” to me on that one… here’s the honest truth: I could make time to exercise, but I don’t.

  • I don’t because I’m tired.
  • I don’t because my bottom is in the recent habit of sitting more often than staying active.
  • I don’t because I would rather watch Antiques Roadshow, or sew, or putter on the internet and write a blogpost.
  • I don’t because I had a baby a year ago and haven’t made it a priority to jumpstart my activity level since having him.
  • But the truth is *NOT* “I haven’t had time to exercise.” I have HAD the time; I have not TAKEN the time to exercise.

We also need to quit lying to each other. “I keep meaning to call you!” is a common one. But the truth is that as a society, we don’t go anywhere without our phones. What are we doing acting as if we’ve been buried in a mine collapse without access to a phone for weeks (or months)? If we want to call someone, and it’s not a good time, we can set that handy-dandy alarm feature on our fancy do-it-all phone to buzz us periodically throughout the week until it eventually buzzes at a time when we are free to do so. There are lots of options, but the truth isn’t, “I haven’t had time to call.” Almost always, the truth is, “I haven’t *made* time to call.”

My proposal?

Let’s be honest as we go through this next day, and week. It’s sometimes OK to kick your feet up rather than to exercise or wash more dishes. It’s sometimes OK to not call. But let’s all be honest about it. Let’s be honest with ourselves and honest with others, and start taking responsibility for the moments we are given.

  • So what is it you’re lying to yourself about?
  • What is it you know you aren’t currently doing, but need to make time for?
  • Will you make time for it, today?

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Last week, I shared how yelling is connected to my stress level, and many of you identified & shared your own struggles. Today I want to dig deeper.

A common theme, for me and from you in the comments, was that we tell ourselves lies about the yelling that we do. We lie to minimize the significance of what we’re doing and to diminish the amount of guilt we feel.

I think we also lie because of the aim of our hearts. If we were honest about the aim of our hearts in the moment that we yell, we could not continue being so self-righteous and indignant. We could not keep being mad *at THEM*– we would have to be mad *at us.*

Peering below the surface, when we yell, what is really happening inside our hearts? What is it that we are grasping for? What do we want?

(And here’s the thing. I’m going to be honest because I really want to grow here. I am desperate for the grace of God- for His gracious forgiveness, but also for the grace to walk in victory in this area. I don’t have time or inclination to pretty things up for you. I don’t want to live on a pedestal, so I’m going to share the honest truth about my sinful heart. This won’t be some “accountability group” where all we do is navel-gaze and talk about our sin (again and again and again) and never about the grace God gives us to change. I don’t want to roll in the mud or delight in evil, but I will be truthful here, and (hopefully along the way) help others who want to grow in this area, too.)

So. When I yell, this is what I see in my heart:

  • I want CONTROL. Control of the situation. Control of “their” actions (whoever the “they” is). Control of the way the house looks. Control of the person doing or saying things that hurt or frustrate me. Control of the things that haven’t been done to my liking. Control of the situation that is out of my hands. Control of the chaotic house. Control of the noise. Control.
  • I want TO LOOK GOOD. I want the house to look good. I want my image protected. I want my parenting to look good. I want my kitchen counter to look good (this is never the case; real life friends will verify). I want other people to get the things done that I think need to be done, regardless of what else they might want or need to do. Because, ultimately, I want things to look good, according to my definition of good.
  • I want EASE. I want the dishes already done so I don’t have to do them. I want the mess cleaned up by someone else. I want them to stop fighting so I can get back to the person or thing that has my attention. Ultimately, I want it to be easy, and to not have to put in the hard work that would be necessary if I was to actually deal with the situation the way I know it should be dealt with.
  • I want TO BE RIGHT. I want everyone around me to know just how wrong “x” is, and how right I am in my assessment of it. I want the other party to admit error or defeat. Whether it is a dirty dining room floor (“…that should already be clean; am I the only one who notices these things?”, etc.), an argument between siblings, an argument with my husband, or stewing over a “wrong” opinion, in my heart I see that I want to be proven incontrovertibly RIGHT.
  • I want it NOW. I want these things to be done immediately. In fact, if I’m honest, I don’t just want it now; “it should already have been done.” The mess shouldn’t have happened. At the very least, it should already be cleaned up so *I* don’t have to do it. I want the child who is grumping and fighting with a sibling to stop, now. I want the kitchen to already be cleaned. I want the stressful thing that interrupted me to stop. it. right. now!

Perhaps some of the things I listed resonated with you?

Perhaps you see other motivations in the depths of your own heart?

The “I wants” of our hearts reveal our idols- the things we bow down to and are willing to give up everything for. Ultimately, what is coming out of my mouth is revealing what is going on inside my heart.

“What comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this defiles a person.” ~Matthew 15:18

With yelling, it is not my volume that is the problem. It is my HEART. When I yell, the words and volume simply give external indication of the wickedness inside me. (TWEET THAT.) Inside, I am self-focused and control-grabbing and error-finding and lazy and tired and critical and furious and finger-pointing and exhausted.

SO WHAT NOW?

You might be sitting there thinking, “OK. But how does this effect me in my everyday life, when the kids are arguing, when the three-year-old just volcanoed the milk jug all over the kitchen, when the dog pooped on the carpet for the third time this WEEK, when I’m hurting and wounded inside and then that “one more thing” happens that drives me over the cliff?”

Sister, listen to me:

It is not your willpower that will ultimately save the day. But in HIM we have strength, and self-control. By His grace and by His Spirit at work in us, we can be freed from the enslaving grip of sin. Even the Apostle Paul– a man who had been blinded and visibly confronted by the risen Christ– struggled with this conundrum:

I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate… so now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. …Wretched man that I am! Who will save me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! ~Romans 7:15-25

The good news is that I am not alone in my sin. It is a problem common to man. And through Christ, God has grace upon grace to lavish upon me. Grace to forgive, and grace to enable me to stop.

So let me share some encouraging things:

  • “You, You only, know the hearts of the children of mankind.” ~2 Chronicles 6:30
  • “The eyes of the LORD run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to give strong support to those whose heart is blameless toward Him.” ~2 Chronicles 16:9
  • “I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.” ~Ezekiel 36:26
  • “The LORD is slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love, forgiving iniquity and transgression.” ~Numbers 14:18

He KNOWS us. He is watching, waiting to give STRONG SUPPORT to us when we desire blamelessness before Him. He wants to remove the wicked, stubborn heart and give us a soft, malleable, tender heart. Unlike us and our yelling selves, He is slow to anger. Though we are sinful, He LOVES abundantly and forgives!

We have hope in Him! His grace gives me such GREAT hope. It’s the only way I can get out of this quagmire. I can’t do it in my own strength. I can’t muster up enough holiness, even if I worked my whole life on it. I could grit my teeth, but there would be no joy. I would live under the constant strain of wondering if I was doing enough, being enough, performing enough.

Instead, I can cast myself on God and operate in His economy of grace.

Talking about maturity in Christ, Paul writes:

For this I toil, struggling with all his energy that he powerfully works within me. ~Colossians 1:29

Check out the pronouns in this verse:

  • *I* toil
  • with HIS energy
  • that HE powerfully works
  • within ME

This is God’s economy. I throw myself on grace… no longer relying on ME and MY willpower. Then– check it out– “I toil.”

What? After grace comes work?

Yes. But I struggle with all HIS energy. He’s the one supplying it- not me. And, at the same time that I’m toiling, HE is powerfully working His energy, IN ME. 

Casting myself on Him doesn’t mean I give up and wait for Him to do it all.

His eyes range to and fro over the whole earth. I’m toiling. His Spirit is at work within me. I’m yielding to the Spirit. His supernatural energy supplies what my human willpower cannot do. In this economy of grace, He works His  holiness in me, day by day, hour by hour, as I submit myself to Him and trust in HIM to change my heart.

I don’t want to just have a mountaintop camp-like experience. Like Isaiah, I want live in the awareness of God’s holiness and purity and my own need for Him. I want His energy flowing through me, changing me from the inside out.

  • What do you see in your heart, as motivations for why you yell?
  • What is God doing in your heart, in this area of yelling?
  • Will you join me this week, trusting Christ to sanctify and change this part of our hearts, from the inside out? Toiling, with His energy at work in us?

Let’s do it!

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NON-FICTION RISK: SAY IT
 Say the things– write the things– that you are afraid to say. I recently shared about my fear of, “Who would ever want to buy my book?” And earlier this week, I confessed not just a past sin that I’ve conquered (which would feel safer) but a current area where God is at work in my heart.

At the root of writing is a willingness to dropkick the fear and decide to SAY THE THING THAT FEELS RISKY.

I don’t mean that you go around, willy-nilly, saying anything and everything that pops into your head. But I mean, there are things that you KNOW are the right thing… that you KNOW you need to say, but fear and self-concern holds you back. In blogging, I’ve noticed that the things that I’m the most cautious about writing, and the things I’m the most passionate about, are the things that get the biggest reactions.

And even more than reactions, my tracking data confirms that they are the things that people still read. They are the articles that people write me about, that keep impacting people’s hearts & lives.

But I can’t accurately predict in advance which things will resonate, and which things won’t. And neither can you. The only way to know, and know for sure, is to RISK. If you want to write great non-fiction, you have to actually say the stuff that feels vulnerable.

FICTION RISK: TORTURE/KILL THE CHARACTER
 My favorite thing about reading and watching Elisabeth Gaskell’s works (as opposed to Jane Austen, who I also love but for very different reasons) is the difficult reality of her world. Wonderful characters– characters you love– die. People you care about get injuries that threaten their livelihood and ruin their lives. Everyone suffers real loss, not just the “safe” peripheral characters.

It’s why people are nuts about Downton Abbey. People actually die. Main characters– the ones you love and care about– are jailed, attacked, lied about, jilted at the altar, and killed off. They face extreme tragedy and difficulty. The writers have no problem torturing and killing their characters.

If you want to write good fiction, be fierce. Don’t allow only your secondary or tertiary characters to suffer real loss. Cause your main characters to experience heart-wrenching pain– do it on purpose– and your work will be the better for it. 

BECOME A BETTER WRITER: RISK
 Whatever you’re writing, if you don’t risk, you’re withholding the vulnerability and reality that makes your voice different from others’.

Take some calculated risks with your writing. Write the blogpost about the issue you feel strongly about. Kill off the character that would throw the book into a whirlwind. Consider sharing the thing that feels vulnerable. Put your main character through emotional turmoil.

To become a better writer, risk. And I will too.

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My blood began boiling over this issue a few years ago, when the (supposedly) “safe for the whole family” Christian radio station in my area began advertising “Mommy Makeovers” throughout the day, every day. The ad went something like this:

“Sick of your post-baby flabby midsection? Ready to treat yourself and your body to some ‘me-time’ now that the kids are back in school? Undo the effects of pregnancy. Call Dr. So-and-so and set up your Mommy Makeover today!”

Torn up by the thought of thousands of women feeling stress and self-loathing over the way their bodies naturally change after having a baby, I wrote a letter, begging them– as a “Christian” radio station– not to put this kind of pressure on women. I implored them to place greater emphasis on the beauty of God’s wholistic design of us as women than on the world’s aims for airbrushed external perfection. I sent it straight to the ad department through a friend who works for the radio, who had the same concerns I did, and (of course) never heard back the ad department.

This week, I saw this ad in our local county magazine: 

Let’s take this ad point by point, shall we?

  • First, the image. Let’s not glaze over it. Thin, blonde, smokey-eyed, perfect hair, fully made-up, with fake lip color, and as far as we can tell, naked. A naked, faked woman. (And– this is the nerd in me coming out– only in English would those two words not rhyme.)
  • The first message: “Earlobe repair.” Not sure why it’s starred… I’ve never ever heard of this. Maybe it’s an inexpensive way to get women in the door, so they can be introduced to (and feel more comfortable about getting) the more expensive elective surgeries?
  • “LOVE YOURSELF”. Stop right there. Who among us would say that the way to love our daughter is to tell her she needs to change her physical appearance? Would any of us look at our precious tender young daughters and say, “your body needs to be altered in order to meet a one-size-fits-all standard?” I hope we wouldn’t. The way we use that word “love” matters. Loving ourselves can not mean something different than loving our daughter would mean. It is not loving to hold a woman up to an impossibly perfect standard– not our daughters, and not ourselves.

Look, let’s talk straight. I don’t know what kind of influences you’ve had in your life. I don’t know who’s told you what about the way that you look, but we all have our hang-ups in this area. We all have body image issues. Some more than others. But listen to me, and listen to me good:

Your body does not need to be ALTERED in order to be APPROVED. 

Your God-given uniqueness is not comparable to a photoshopped magazine image.

You are BEAUTIFUL, right there in that normal, everyday HUMAN package.

OK, let’s keep going.

  • Look at the promises the ad is making: “Look and feel more confident and youthful.“

Child of God, you precious creation, the apple of His eye, uniquely formed in God’s image, YOU ARE LOVELY.

Your confidence does not derive from whether or not you have makeup plastered on, or if your breasts are a certain size, or droopy, or big enough, or not so big. Your confidence should not come from whether or not you have some extra fluff in your mid-section after having a baby.

Your confidence should not be based on whether or not you have the natural tiredness in your eyes that comes from having young children, hips that have opened up to allow children to be born through them, or wrinkles beside your eyes that give a lovely hint of all the smiles you’ve smiled in your lifetime.

Your confidence is the unshakeable, unchanging nature of God Who is the same, yesterday, today, and forever.

  • Is not your fear of God your confidence? (Job 4:6)
  • The Lord will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being caught. (Proverbs 3:26)
  • We worship by the Spirit of God and glory in Christ Jesus and put no confidence in the flesh. (Philippians 3:3)

You know what I saw, as we lived around the world in multiple cities and continents? EVERY CULTURE, even the skinniest ones, inherently knows that women’s bodies change after having a baby. A mom should not feel an ounce of shame about looking like a mom.

And, more importantly, do you know what the Bible says about your body?

  • “In the image of God He created them; male and female He created them.” (Genesis 1:27) —> YOU ARE MADE IN THE IMAGE OF GOD!
  • “Do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on.” (Matthew 6:25) —> GOD CARES FOR YOU, YOU DON’T NEED TO BE ANXIOUS ABOUT YOUR BODY.
  • “Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, to make you obey its passions.” (Romans 6:12) —> OUR HEARTS SHOULD BE FOCUSED ON INTERNAL HOLINESS MORE THAN EXTERNALS.
  • “All things are lawful but not all things are helpful. All things are lawful, but I will not be dominated by anything. The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body.” (1 Corinthians 6:12-13) —> NOTHING SHOULD CONTROL OR DOMINATE YOU. Too many women– yes, Christian women, too– are being controlled and dominated by the idol of the perfect body. This was the case in the days of Paul, with the Roman empire as well– you can see it in their marble sculptures and the central location of the gym and colosseums. The pursuit of a perfect body is no new religion, but it is a religion that is different from one that finds contentment and joy in the Lord. Your body is not meant for sexual immorality, or for self-glory, but for the Lord.
  • “Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own; you were bought with a price. So, glorify God with your body.” Christian woman, let me PLEAD with you. If you have been lured by worldly philosophies that make you think you need to alter your body in order to be acceptable, please realign your thinking.

Let God’s Word be your guide, rather than the wishy-washy, ever-changing rules of man about external beauty. Your body is a place of worship and honor for the Holy Spirit inside of you. It is given to you as a method by which you can GLORIFY GOD!

OK, back to the ad.

It points to “YOUTHFUL”-ness as a desirable trait. Ah, the American idol of youth. And yes, like you, I look back at pictures from high school and college and “can’t believe how skinny”/beautiful/etc. we all were. Of course I see those external facts. But I also know this:

By and large, do you really remember what we were like, as teenagers? (Apologies to any teenagers reading.) I think back and remember lots of zeal and swagger– I remember being passionate about things I knew little to nothing about. I remember skads of anxiety and nerves. I remember the petty cliques and criticisms. I remember feeling that I would never measure up.

Hmmm… kind of like how the ad image above is designed to make us feel.

Here’s what the Bible says about aging, gray hair, and youth:

  • “Wisdom is with the aged, and understanding in length of days.” (Job 12:12)
  • “The glory of young men is their strength, but the splendor of old men is their gray hair.” (Proverbs 20:29)
  • “Gray hair is a crown of glory; it is gained in a righteous life.” (Proverbs 16:31)

Youthfulness is an idol in America, and sadly, in the American church too. But the Bible says that with gray hair comes wisdom, and with age comes honor & splendor. Many women would rather be dead than look old, but we need to recognize that this as an unbiblical attitude.

Demis marry Ashtons, and we admiringly call them cougars and watch sitcoms about similar scenarios. Women hide the year of their birthday on Facebook so people won’t know how old they really are. Botox, tight tops from teen shops, jeggings, and “mommy makeovers” give the promise and illusion that we won’t be as old as we really are, when the truth is, these things make us look even more ridiculous. The only thing worse than a 17-year-old in jeggings is a 47-year-old in jeggings.

We’ve all seen the “plastic surgery gone wrong” photos and they make us cringe. But we need to recognize that when we toy with these notions of “mommy makeovers” and making our appearance the main thing, we are contributing to the plastic surgery culture that says that NONE OF US ARE GOOD ENOUGH.

Look at this list:

  • Tummy tuck
  • Breast augmentation/lift
  • Breast reduction
  • Liposuction
  • Post Weight-Loss Surgery
  • Mommy Makeover Packages
  • and then they top it off with: “Financing available”

Not only do they want to wreck your soul & make you believe that you aren’t good enough— that you have to change your body in order to be acceptable and desirable and have confidence– (there is no unsurgeried part of your body that they will leave uncriticized)–  but they will help you get in debt over it too! Yippee-skippy!

Christian woman, the ads and doctors would have you look at your body as the defining characteristic that gives you value, but God looks at the heart.

Yes, there are seasons when we need to use exercise or food to be good stewards of the bodies He has given us, but REJECT THE CULTURAL MESSAGE that you should loathe the fact that your body has changed.

God is interested in the changes of your HEART.

Surgery images courtesy of VictorHabbick and Ambro/FreeDigitalPhotos

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Unfortunately, this last week in particular, I and my children have seen incontrovertible evidence that (at least for me), stress and yelling seem to have a direct relationship. When stress increases, the volume and frequency of my yelling increases as well.

So this weekend, I asked a group of godly women to exhort me in regard to yelling. I’ve tried self-shaming; I’ve tried behavior modification; I’ve tried visual reminders…

I knew something needed to change.

That “something” was my heart and mind. You see… I was not seeing it as sin; instead I was justifying it in my mind. My justifications went like this:

  • “I don’t yell all the time; it’s happening because I’m stressed out.”
  • “They know I’m stressed, they know this isn’t normal, and they know that I love them.”
  • “It’s not THAT bad. I’m not… (cursing at them, hitting them, fill in the blank).”
  • “I’m yelling TO them, not yelling AT them (not calling them names, etc.).”
  • “Yelling was commonplace in my home when I was growing up.”
  • “Yelling is partly cultural and personality-based” (yes, I actually told myself this). “Italians & Greeks are louder families than others… so maybe this is just a loud thing and not a SIN thing.”

I thought back about 8-9 years, to the moment when I first yelled at our children, (in a very stressful time, incidentally), and I remember thinking, “I won’t always feel so frustrated. He won’t grow up with a yelling mom. I just yell in rare circumstances, when I’m pushed to my limits.”

But guess what? I’m still yelling. Surprise, surprise.

(Let this be a warning to you, young mom with one toddler who just started yelling: SIN DOESN’T KILL ITSELF. THESE THINGS DON’T JUST IMPROVE ON THEIR OWN. STOP THIS THING NOW BEFORE YOU WAKE UP TO IT WITH A WONDERFUL, WOUNDED ELEVEN-YEAR-OLD STARING BACK AT YOU.)

Well, my friends (who I so DESPERATELY NEEDED to square with me) squared with me. Here’s what they told me:

  • “Is yelling respectful? Does yelling show honor to God or His image bearers? Does yelling pass the Ephesians 4:29 test? Does yelling glorify God?” ~LearningByEar
  • Ephesians 4:29 says: “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouth, but ONLY such as is GOOD FOR BUILDING UP, as fits the situation, that it may GIVE GRACE to those who hear.“
  • “I hesitate to blame ‘irritation’ on lack of self-control. Yes, you do need to control yourself, but usually you need to prepare first. You prepare by first of all, making calmness and self-control your top priority, not just at night when you pray before bed but choosing it over and over again all day long. Next, because not losing your temper is now your top priority, you need to rearrange your life to assist you in that goal. That means thinking ahead so you can head off an irritating situation BEFORE it happens. Slowing down, keeping your kids WITH you, cutting out unnecessary activities, simplifying your life, giving your kids direction rather than reacting to their choices, etc., are all things you can do to assist in your goal of developing and keeping to a new level of self-control. It is not a matter of just learning to grit your teeth when things happen. You must make it a continuing priority over and over and you must prepare ahead whenever possible.” ~Elizabeth, mom of 10
  • “Yelling is all about the yeller; it’s about pride. You yell because your will isn’t being done on Earth as God’s will is in Heaven” (I borrowed that from Tedd Tripp). ~LearningByEar
  • “Yelling is a sin. It’s vicious and horrible and mean and nasty and vindictive. It’s hateful. Seeing it for what it was is what made me finally stop doing it.” ~Laura, mom of 9
  • “I think we all know what type of “yelling” is wrong and sinful. Yelling “Johnny NO!!!” as your toddler is about to touch a hot stove is not wrong at all. Yelling at your kids because you are just in the habit of dealing with them that way instead of better ways, is wrong and sinful, period. First, change the way you think. Love good and hate evil. See yelling (or any other lack of self-control) as the sin it is and hate it. Make it a top priority it rid your life of it. Take if off the list of options you use to deal with your children’s misbehavior.” ~Elizabeth

One thing one friend said stood out to me:

  • “Galatians 5:19-21 lists fits of rage right there with drunken orgies.”

Here’s the thing: she’s absolutely right.

This is what the verse says: “The acts of the flesh are evident:” (and here’s the list– not in order– but all there):

  • sexual immorality
  • dissensions
  • idolatry
  • orgies
  • jealousy
  • impurity 
  • drunkenness
  • sorcery
  • sensuality
  • fits of anger
  • divisions
  • enmity
  • envy

“Those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.”

I mean, seriously.

I would NEVER justify participating in orgies or sorcery. That stuff is straight-up wickedness!

This is a good reminder for why the Word is so important. When I am yelling at my kids, it *IS* a fit of anger, just like what Scripture condemns, right alongside those things I would never do. I am frustrated, embarrassed, feeling disrespected, disobeyed, and yes, I have let them go too far down a path without clear direction. But none of it justifies wickedness.

As a child of God, with the Spirit inside of me, I am FREE not to sin, but I have to walk in that. When I yell, I am NOT walking in the Spirit; I am choosing instead to walk in the flesh.

When I yell, I am throwing an adult-sized temper tantrum with ME and MY DESIRES at the center of the universe. (TWEET THAT.)

And that sin- throwing FITS OF ANGER- is a sinful stench to God, and a slap in the face of the risen Christ, in the same way it would be if I was participating in seances and orgies.

Hearing from my friends (praise God for truth-speaking friends!) re-framed this issue for me, in the right biblical perspective. Saturday night, I wrote these quotes and verses on notecards with rainbow-colored-markers (which makes anything more fun, right? Thank you, Costco.), and put them up on my mirror.

Praise God, my husband had the night shift and so I used that time alone, after the kids were in bed to pray, journal, and confess my sin to God.

Sunday morning, when I woke up, I pulled my kids close around the breakfast table and confessed my sin of anger and yelling to them. Not just, “I’m sorry, mommy was wrong,” but a confession of my SIN. I shared with them the verses I just shared with you (albeit, with kid-sized explanations for the tougher, R-rated words).  I told them that when I yell, I am willfully giving in to my flesh & not yielding to God. I am sinning against them and God.

I asked for their prayers, and for their forgiveness. My sweet kids gave both, and hugs and smiles abounded.

And so now, here I am, sharing this with you too. I am sharing for accountability’s sake, and out of a desire to be transparent with and grow alongside you. I am planning to write more, in the coming weeks, about yelling. I want to encourage you, not from a position of one who has my act together in this area, but as a fellow traveler on the road.

I want to shut this sin down. I want to choke it to death so it will no longer rule and reign in my heart in life.

Is this an area where you struggle?

Has yelling become the way (or even a way) you deal with life’s frustrations?

Let’s grow alongside each other and kill this terrible sin that wants to choke joy and life out of our homes.

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I’ve heard it said that artists are inherently egotistical… that at the foundation of all art is the artist’s belief that what he’s putting forward is worth the time and attention of others.

But I think it is at least as often the case that the writer/artist/songwriter has to overcome great personal doubt and self-accusation. I know I did, in order to write and publish my first book. I still do, to write when it would be easy to give into discouragement.

Last summer/fall, when I was considering my schedule and making plans for how I would use my writing time over the next few months, I was journaling one day when I finally wrote down the accusing question that had been niggling at my brain:

The question sat unanswered, accusing me, as tears streamed down my face.

Finally, I’d acknowledged the fear.

Behind the question was all the discomfort of my teenage years. Poor choices. Strained relationships. Self-accusation. The feeling of being misunderstood, never truly being known.

Underneath it all was the sense that, at my core, I don’t really have anything to offer.

The accusation screamed at me: you don’t have anything of value to offer to others, and you are an arrogant idiot to think otherwise.

But there in the silence, came the answer:

No one will buy the book if I don’t write it.

Underneath any risk… any art… any action of offering part of yourself to the masses is this: You have to be willing to fail. The risk is no fun. But without the risk, there is no growth. And ultimately, there is no product at the end of your actions if you don’t turn away from the accusation and decide to take action.

For the writer, there is no book to publish if you do not take the chance and write the thing.

The truth is: No one will buy the book, if you don’t write it.

WRITE THE BOOK.

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Last week, I noticed I was feeling anxious. I’d been running the budget numbers again, trying to do accurate projections for what would happen when. We’re trying to sort out what we should do with our house, and when/if we should list it.

Normal things to think through in a time of transition. But I wasn’t just thinking, I wasn’t just running numbers; I was anxious.

We Americans are an anxious people. Medicines, counselors, self-help books, therapy sessions, and more exist in an attempt to counteract this problem. But let’s not kid ourselves: this is no new problem. The Israelites and the early Church were just as liable to anxiety as we are:

“Say to those who have an anxious heart, ‘Be strong, fear not! Behold your God will come with a vengeance… He will come and save you.” ~Isaiah 35:4

“Do not be anxious about your life. …Which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?” ~Matthew 6:25

“The Lord answered her, ‘Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things.” ~Luke 10:41

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” ~Philippians 4:6

As I repeatedly turned the situation over in my mind, churning like fast-flowing rapids, I heard God’s Word: “Take each thought captive in obedience to Christ.” One word stood out.

CAPTIVE.

In my mind, I could see and hear Jack Bauer yelling, “WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?” to a captive he was questioning.

“Take every thought captive.”

Our minds are so easily taken captive by anxiety, gossip, lust, greed, rage, criticism, bitterness, envy.

But we can begin taking our thoughts captive in every moment.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO TAKE THOUGHTS CAPTIVE?

When I was thinking about this issue of captivity, an image came into my mind of Jack Bauer, screaming at the top of his lungs, “WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?” He was questioning the captive, rather than the other way around.

Which happens in your mind?

  • Do your thoughts question YOU, telling YOU what to think about, stew over, and focus on?
  • Or are you taking your thoughts captive, purposefully stewarding your own mind, THINKING CAREFULLY?

Imagine if we, like Jack Bauer, began proverbially grabbing our thoughts by the collar, and with a good shake, asking, “WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?”

By examining my recent budget & planning anxiety, it becomes very clear who my thoughts were working for:

  • I was not at rest, trusting in Christ.
  • Instead of meditating on and KNOWING that “my God will supply every need through His glorious riches in Christ Jesus,” my heart was meditating on fear, turning over all of the “what if”s that have not even occurred.
  • It was as if my brain was searching under the couch cushions of life for things to worry about, rather than setting my mind on Christ & His utter dependability in every moment of my life.
  • Ultimately, I was believing that my brain– my figuring things over and over again, and my anxiousness over the situation– would bring about a better result than careful planning & restfully trusting in God.

I WAS TRUSTING IN ME, RATHER THAN IN GOD.

No wonder I was anxious! 

So if I take that same thought process CAPTIVE “in obedience to Christ,” what does that mean my thoughts should look like:

  • My natural inclination, urging me to run the numbers even though I’ve run them before & now it’s past bedtime: “Hurry, hurry, hurry. It has to be done now. Run the numbers again. Find out NOW if you can make x scenario work.”
  • Me, realizing what’s happening, choosing to take my thoughts captive: “No. God is sovereign over our times. It is 1am and absolutely time for bed. Trust Him with this and rest. Remember- ‘You keep Him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You.’ and ‘Cast your burdens on the Lord, for He cares for you.’ Stop churning! God is in control of this too.”

What about you? What issues are holding you hostage, with you as the captive, rather than the other way around? 

We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion
 raised against the knowledge of God,
and take every thought captive to obey Christ.
~2 Corinthians 10:5

What thoughts in your life do you need to grab by the collar and give a good shake?

What concerns in your mind need to be answered with the truth of Scripture, rather than being driven by the flesh?

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One of the things I love about having a big family is that it gives our children skads of opportunities to interact with people who (from time to time) rub them the wrong way. Better than that, they’re forced to work through it and KEEP living alongside one another, loving and learning to lay down their own preferences in loving pursuit of peace. Lots of opportunities for hurt makes for lots of opportunities for forgiveness and peacemaking.

I think God means the same thing to be true within the Body of Christ. It’s so clear to me in the Word:

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted,
 forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
~Ephesians 4:32

If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you,

you have gained your brother. ~Matthew 18:15

Strive for peace with everyone. ~Hebrews 12:14

If you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go.

First BE RECONCILED to your brother,


and then come and offer your gift. ~Matthew 5:23-24

If your brother sins, rebuke him,
and if he repents, forgive him. ~Luke 17:3

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly,
since love covers a multitude of sins. ~1 Peter 4:8

Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you,

so also you must forgive. ~Colossians 3:13

Those who plan peace have joy. ~Proverbs 12:20

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God. ~Matthew 5:9

If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. ~Romans 12:18

When a man’s ways please the Lord, He makes even his enemies to be at peace with him.

~Proverbs 16:7 

Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God ~1 Peter 5:6

As sinners, we (unfortunately) WILL offend each other. It happens in our homes. It happens in our workplaces. It happens in our churches. Every human relationship is marred by hurt, and peace and reconciliation is an ongoing need of our hearts.

But what happens? All too often, after the hurt, we run into our corners, determined to either keep fighting another round, OR to exit the ring, licking our wounds. It is very rare (at least, it’s been rare in my life experiences) to see wounded parties meeting together ON PURPOSE to pursue peace.

Sometimes language is used like, “There’s something you need to know,” “Let’s clear the air,” or “I’ve got a few things I want to say to you.” Sometimes there is complete avoidance of actual discussion. But rarely is PEACE a true goal after fists have flung and bruising has occurred.

But in Christ, it ought to be. I loved so much of what James MacDonald said at Resurgence in November (Here’s a video of his talk; SO good!). Here’s a smattering:

“When it’s hardest to love, when it’s personal and painful, humble yourself.”
 “Love them. Even when it hurts. Even when it costs.”
“Own it all, to reconcile.”

That last statement was the most impactful part, for me. Here’s what he said:

“Generally in conflict within relationships, there’s fault on both sides, but they can’t see it. If you want to work it out, OWN IT ALL. Forego all opportunity to clarify your position. God loves humility. With God the way UP is DOWN.”

I actually heard Matt Chandler say something similar, in September. He used Zaccheus as an example of someone who, when he was captivated by Christ, paid back even more than what he owed. “As the people of God, we own everything and then some. Even if we only ‘owned’ 2% of the conflict, we own it all.“

(This is a moment when I feel the need to clarify– I’m not at all advocating some extreme position that the way for a battered woman to have peace with her abusive husband is to own all the responsibility.)

What I’m saying is, in normal everyday conflicts that happen in human relationships, there are times when our flesh and our enemy work together to convince each party in a conflict that their portion of the conflict is slight. Each side feels justified in withholding forgiveness, and believes its own “case” is the strong one. The vitriol amps up as each side replays the hurts and justifies all manner of ungodly behavior (fury, gossip, hostility, self-justification, pride, judgment, indignation, slander).

But the humblest man of all, the God-man Christ, is our example. HE is the One that we follow. When accused, He did not answer back. He took all of the punishment and mistreatment that He did not deserve. And He did it for a people, and for peace. His aim was RECONCILIATION.

As joint-heirs with Him, following in His way, our aim should also be reconciliation. Even if that means owning more than our “share.” Even if that means owning it all.

This last year has provided me with a few opportunities to pursue reconciliation in tense or stressful circumstances. I’m so thankful to have had these godly men pounding me with the Word so that I was motivated and convicted to do the right thing, even when I didn’t feel like it.

Let me share a few final, challenging word from James MacDonald :

“Refuse to be offended. I’ve asked God to remove my sensitivity. Do nothing when you’re hurt. Do nothing from hurt or because of hurt. Hurting people hurt.”

Wow. I’ll let that one stand on its own, except to say this:

Sometimes we women in particular need to take a step back, breathe deeply, and work diligently to step out of our pain and strive to see things from the perspective of the other person. Strive to put things in the most favorable light, rather than seeing them in the most hurtful.

When reconciliation and peace become our overarching goal, above and beyond being heard, above and beyond giving someone else their just dessert, above and beyond ensuring that everything is seen rightly in the eyes of all human persons involved… we are taking on the description of sons of God: a peacemaker. And ultimately, this promise is ours:

Those who plan peace have joy. ~Proverbs 12:20

Images courtesy of DavidCastilloDominici/FreeDigitalPhotos.net
and adamr/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Katie also shared some great thoughts in October about conflict resolution: 6 TIPS FOR BIBLICAL CONFLICT RESOLUTION – Definitely worth reading.

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1. THEY ARE PRECIOUS AS BABIES. PRECIOUS!!! We built a pen out of the cardboard box from a deck box. We taped it to the floor in a trapezoidal shape so they wouldn’t have any 90-degree corners to run into (and get suffocated by the others, which apparently can sometimes be a problem with small chicks). They were absolutely adorable little fuzz balls and we couldn’t stay out of the garage while they were babies… it was WAY fun to sit in the middle of the pen and have them hopping and cheeping around us (and even falling asleep in our hands!).

2. THEY CAN BE AS INEXPENSIVE AS YOU CHOOSE. Instead of buying what would have been a short-term watering solution for chicks, I used an old peanut butter jar, toothpicks, and a plastic lid to make a self-releasing waterer for our chicks. Various size potting dishes, tubs, and paint cans helped me to raise the lid as they got taller (so they wouldn’t walk in the water). When they got big enough, we used poultry nipples to make a long-term CLEAN watering solution for them. (It’s still what they use, in their coop.)

We also ended up building our own coop, from scrap lumber. Everyone in the family got in on the project, and it was both inexpensive for us and educational for the kids!

3. EVERYONE IN THE FAMILY CAN LOVE ON THEM. Well, this is true for our Buff Orpingtons, at least (I’m not sure about other breeds; some are known to be more rude). Our ten buffs have always been incredibly sweet to our children, even to the littlest guys in our crew.

4. THEY MAKE GREAT USE OF SCRAPS. They love to eat all of our scraps, and any grass or leaves we feed to them. It thrills me to have all of our extra bits, uneaten food, and too-ripe produce go to good use. Because they are happy to eat almost everything, it all reduces our feed costs while making their yolks even more luxurious and bright-colored. 

5. THEY MAKE GREAT PETS. Not too many pets are cute, funny, lightweight enough to pick up, pretty, AND provide something you can eat (while staying alive, as opposed to a pig who might make a fine pet but has to die in order to provide you with something tasty). Chickens are a fun pet for kids, and AGAIN, this is a reason why I love our Buff Orpingtons. They are patient with our kids, and even seem to enjoy being picked up, petted, and held for a few minutes.

6. THEY CONVERT WHAT IS UNUSABLE INTO SOMETHING THAT IS USABLE. They take leftover scraps from last night’s dinner, and leaves from a honeysuckle, and turn them into delicious, farm-fresh eggs. AGAIN let me brag on my Buff Orpingtons. They are so good at foraging that it greatly reduces our feed costs. They are excellent foragers, and use their talons to root out sprouts and bugs under autumn leaves. Just one bag of $15 feed lasts them nearly two months, which gives us over a dozen dozen eggs with that one bag. Even at Aldi prices, I can’t get eggs for cheaper than that, and these are chemical-free, free-range, beautiful eggs from girls that I know.

7. THERE IS SOMETHING GOOD FOR THE SOUL IN COLLECTING EGGS. I’m serious. The simple act of caring for our hens produces this fun activity we get to do, several times a day, as we go out and see how many eggs they produce for us (anywhere from 3-9 in a day). And the colors are marvelous, aren’t they?

8. THE EGGS TASTE DIVINE. There are major differences between the store-bought eggs we’ve used (even “free-range”/”farm fresh”) and our chickens’ eggs. The yolks are almost orange, packed full with nutrients. The flavor is fresh and undiluted. And the eggs don’t run and spread in the pan. They stay close together, making for a much better fried egg.

9. CHICKENS ARE FUNNY. They’re funny to watch, and very quickly while watching them, you start to see the reasons for phrases like “peckish,” and “being a chicken,” and “pecking order.” When I am having a hard day, or just haven’t been outside in a while, there is something restorative and encouraging about going out for an hour with the chickens.  

They truly make great pets, and we all love them.

As you can tell, I highly recommend Buff Orpingtons. I’m so pleased with their docile nature, their beauty, and their egg production. (They are also good meat birds but we will not use them for their meat… just their eggs.) I’ve told several friends, the only thing I *don’t* like about Buffs is that they all look so much alike, it makes it very difficult to tell any of them apart from one another.

[We ordered our ten from Murray McMurray, a very reputable hatchery. If you’re considering chickens, let me recommend it to you. They have an excellent reputation, and we didn’t lose even one of our day-old chicks to illness or disease, as often happens with less-reputable hatcheries.]

These are some of the reasons I love our chickens.

What about you? Do you own chickens? Have you considered it? What is holding you back?

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This week, a friend admired my DIY chicken coop and said, “Wow, you really ARE Supermom, aren’t you?” She meant it kindly and this post really isn’t about that.

But that situation got me thinking:

  • I’m not Supermom. I’m a semi-normal (is anyone really normal?) person with 24 hrs in a day.
  • I get grumpy and tired, and my feet get sore.
  • Sometimes my kids behave, and sometimes they fuss and stomp their feet.
  • Like everyone else in the world, sometimes I think, “I can’t do this.”
  • I’m no math whiz.
  • I’ve not ever designed or built anything.
  • I didn’t take woodshop, never spent time around woodworking, and had never used a table saw or a miter saw before doing this project. I just thought it up and made it, learning how to use the tools and problem-solving as I went.

But at the foundation level, what it took was this:

I HAD TO BE WILLING TO FAIL SPECTACULARLY. I put myself “out there” and said I was going to do it. And so, I found a way to make it happen and see it through to completion.

The coop’s not perfect. There are mistakes and creaky doors and the egg box door is too heavy because I used a thick plywood rather than a thin one (which is a mixed blessing- I don’t have to lock it, but it’s heavy to get open). I used a ping-pong table for the base (which I would never do again because it’s made of fiberboard which swells with water).

There are things I would do differently if I ever had to build one again.

But it got done.

Same with my first novel, writing an e-book (about which, nervously, I’m starting to get feedback), having & homeschooling a brood of kids, learning another language, or teaching a Bible study.

And it’s the same with the things *you* have in you to do.

YOU HAVE TO BE WILLING TO FAIL.

It’s not always easy to try something new, to put your hand and mind to doing something that is unfamiliar and uncomfortable. It’s not easy to risk hearing negative feedback; it’s not easy to put your heart (your work, your effort, your passions) in front of others with the full potential of hearing criticism. But accomplishing things in life, relationally, spiritually, educationally, requires taking the risk. Until then, it’s just passing time, avoiding the adventures & dreams.

Has something been tugging on your mind? Do you feel an urge to try something new?

  • Painting?
  • Writing?
  • Photography?
  • Homeschooling?
  • Running a 5k?
  • Learning to change your own oil?

Being successful at it– whatever “it” is for you– takes a willingness to fail.

Image courtesy of DavidCastilloDominici/freedigitalphotos.net

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