mom Archives – Page 5 of 5 – Jess Connell

Unfortunately, this last week in particular, I and my children have seen incontrovertible evidence that (at least for me), stress and yelling seem to have a direct relationship. When stress increases, the volume and frequency of my yelling increases as well.

So this weekend, I asked a group of godly women to exhort me in regard to yelling. I’ve tried self-shaming; I’ve tried behavior modification; I’ve tried visual reminders…

I knew something needed to change.

That “something” was my heart and mind. You see… I was not seeing it as sin; instead I was justifying it in my mind. My justifications went like this:

“I don’t yell all the time; it’s happening because I’m stressed out.”
“They know I’m stressed, they know this isn’t normal, and they know that I love them.”
“It’s not THAT bad. I’m not… (cursing at them, hitting them, fill in the blank).”
“I’m yelling TO them, not yelling AT them (not calling them names, etc.).”
“Yelling was commonplace in my home when I was growing up.”
“Yelling is partly cultural and personality-based” (yes, I actually told myself this). “Italians & Greeks are louder families than others… so maybe this is just a loud thing and not a SIN thing.”

I thought back about 8-9 years, to the moment when I first yelled at our children, (in a very stressful time, incidentally), and I remember thinking, “I won’t always feel so frustrated. He won’t grow up with a yelling mom. I just yell in rare circumstances, when I’m pushed to my limits.”

But guess what? I’m still yelling. Surprise, surprise.

(Let this be a warning to you, young mom with one toddler who just started yelling: SIN DOESN’T KILL ITSELF. THESE THINGS DON’T JUST IMPROVE ON THEIR OWN. STOP THIS THING NOW BEFORE YOU WAKE UP TO IT WITH A WONDERFUL, WOUNDED ELEVEN-YEAR-OLD STARING BACK AT YOU.)

Well, my friends (who I so DESPERATELY NEEDED to square with me) squared with me. Here’s what they told me:

“Is yelling respectful? Does yelling show honor to God or His image bearers? Does yelling pass the Ephesians 4:29 test? Does yelling glorify God?” ~LearningByEar
Ephesians 4:29 says: “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouth, but ONLY such as is GOOD FOR BUILDING UP, as fits the situation, that it may GIVE GRACE to those who hear.“
“I hesitate to blame ‘irritation’ on lack of self-control. Yes, you do need to control yourself, but usually you need to prepare first. You prepare by first of all, making calmness and self-control your top priority, not just at night when you pray before bed but choosing it over and over again all day long. Next, because not losing your temper is now your top priority, you need to rearrange your life to assist you in that goal. That means thinking ahead so you can head off an irritating situation BEFORE it happens. Slowing down, keeping your kids WITH you, cutting out unnecessary activities, simplifying your life, giving your kids direction rather than reacting to their choices, etc., are all things you can do to assist in your goal of developing and keeping to a new level of self-control. It is not a matter of just learning to grit your teeth when things happen. You must make it a continuing priority over and over and you must prepare ahead whenever possible.” ~Elizabeth, mom of 10
“Yelling is all about the yeller; it’s about pride. You yell because your will isn’t being done on Earth as God’s will is in Heaven” (I borrowed that from Tedd Tripp). ~LearningByEar
“Yelling is a sin. It’s vicious and horrible and mean and nasty and vindictive. It’s hateful. Seeing it for what it was is what made me finally stop doing it.” ~Laura, mom of 9
“I think we all know what type of “yelling” is wrong and sinful. Yelling “Johnny NO!!!” as your toddler is about to touch a hot stove is not wrong at all. Yelling at your kids because you are just in the habit of dealing with them that way instead of better ways, is wrong and sinful, period. First, change the way you think. Love good and hate evil. See yelling (or any other lack of self-control) as the sin it is and hate it. Make it a top priority it rid your life of it. Take if off the list of options you use to deal with your children’s misbehavior.” ~Elizabeth

One thing one friend said stood out to me:

“Galatians 5:19-21 lists fits of rage right there with drunken orgies.”

Here’s the thing: she’s absolutely right.

This is what the verse says: “The acts of the flesh are evident:” (and here’s the list– not in order– but all there):

sexual immorality
dissensions
idolatry
orgies
jealousy
impurity
drunkenness
sorcery
sensuality
fits of anger
divisions
enmity
envy

“Those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.”

I mean, seriously.

I would NEVER justify participating in orgies or sorcery. That stuff is straight-up wickedness!

This is a good reminder for why the Word is so important. When I am yelling at my kids, it *IS* a fit of anger, just like what Scripture condemns, right alongside those things I would never do. I am frustrated, embarrassed, feeling disrespected, disobeyed, and yes, I have let them go too far down a path without clear direction. But none of it justifies wickedness.

As a child of God, with the Spirit inside of me, I am FREE not to sin, but I have to walk in that. When I yell, I am NOT walking in the Spirit; I am choosing instead to walk in the flesh.

When I yell, I am throwing an adult-sized temper tantrum with ME and MY DESIRES at the center of the universe. (TWEET THAT.)

And that sin- throwing FITS OF ANGER- is a sinful stench to God, and a slap in the face of the risen Christ, in the same way it would be if I was participating in seances and orgies.

Hearing from my friends (praise God for truth-speaking friends!) re-framed this issue for me, in the right biblical perspective. Saturday night, I wrote these quotes and verses on notecards with rainbow-colored-markers (which makes anything more fun, right? Thank you, Costco.), and put them up on my mirror.

Praise God, my husband had the night shift and so I used that time alone, after the kids were in bed to pray, journal, and confess my sin to God.

Sunday morning, when I woke up, I pulled my kids close around the breakfast table and confessed my sin of anger and yelling to them. Not just, “I’m sorry, mommy was wrong,” but a confession of my SIN. I shared with them the verses I just shared with you (albeit, with kid-sized explanations for the tougher, R-rated words). I told them that when I yell, I am willfully giving in to my flesh & not yielding to God. I am sinning against them and God.

I asked for their prayers, and for their forgiveness. My sweet kids gave both, and hugs and smiles abounded.

And so now, here I am, sharing this with you too. I am sharing for accountability’s sake, and out of a desire to be transparent with and grow alongside you. I am planning to write more, in the coming weeks, about yelling. I want to encourage you, not from a position of one who has my act together in this area, but as a fellow traveler on the road.

I want to shut this sin down. I want to choke it to death so it will no longer rule and reign in my heart in life.

Is this an area where you struggle?

Has yelling become the way (or even a way) you deal with life’s frustrations?

Let’s grow alongside each other and kill this terrible sin that wants to choke joy and life out of our homes.

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It’s a rhythmic truth breathed throughout Scripture:

“You return man to dust; …they are like a dream, like grass …in the morning it flourishes and is renewed; in the evening it fades and withers.” ~Psalm 90:3-6 (author: Moses)

“He knows our frame He remembers that we are DUST. As for man, his days are like GRASS; he flourishes like a FLOWER of the field; the wind passes over it, and it is gone.” ~Psalm 103: 13-16 (author: David)

“All flesh is like GRASS and all its glory like the FLOWER of the grass. The grass withers, and the flower falls.” ~1 Peter 1:24 (author: Peter)

“What is your life? You are a MIST that appears for a little time and then vanishes.” ~James 4:14 (author: James)

What are we like?

Dust. Grass. A dream. A flower. A mist.

What will inevitably happen to our physical bodies?

Return to dust. Fade. Wither. Gone. Fall. Vanish.

So what are you going to do, mama, with today? It could be my last day on earth, or yours. Even if it’s not, it’s the only “today” we’re going to get a crack at. God’s mercies are new every morning, and tomorrow will be a new day, but it won’t be today.

It is easy to pass days in lethargy, staying busy via screens, while doing nothing of significance.
It is almost as easy to pass days in a frenetic blur, staying busy cleaning and cooking and organizing, pursuing a perfect home, while missing the things that really matter in life.
It is common to pass days in complaints, finding plenty to become embittered about, while doing nothing to bring joy into this drab world.
It is very human to pass days criticizing things or people, rather than praising God.

But let’s not be women like that. I want to be a joyful woman; don’t you? I want the corners of my eyes to have deepening crinkles in them, from smiles and joy, if God lets me make it into my 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s… or beyond.

Today, what I need to do to infuse joy in my home is smile deeply at my children, read Scripture aloud over lunch, laugh at the knock-knock jokes (not my favorite), choose contentment amidst chaos, and passionately kiss my husband and let him know he still knocks my socks off.

Keeping in mind how brief life is, what do you plan to do to infuse the JOY of CHRIST into your home today?

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Feeling exhausted? ME TOO!

At this point of motherhood, it seems I should walk around with caution tape. That would give everyone around me a warning before they talked to or interacted with me.

Maybe I could wear a sign:

WARNING, WARNING, WARNING!!!

DO NOT GO INTO THIS CONVERSATION WITH GREAT EXPECTATIONS. In fact, DIAL THOSE EXPECTATIONS BACK TO ZERO and then I might have the opportunity to impress you, or at the very least, meet your expectations.

THE WOMAN YOU ARE ABOUT TO ENGAGE IS EXTREMELY TIRED.

She may make conversational topic leaps that make perfect sense inside her tired brain but appear nonsensical to you. She is talked out and touched out.

SHE HAS ABOUT 1.25 mL OF “EXTRA” TO GIVE OVER THE COURSE OF A WEEK (which, chances are, she’s already doled out).

APPROACH WITH GRACE AND CAUTION.“

I am extremely blessed and thankful for my family, and wouldn’t trade them for anything. I love, love, love my husband and kids. Nonetheless, speaking truthfully, I have never felt so taxed as I have this last five-year period of my life.

Granted:

there are six kids running around my house,
all of whom I birthed,
one of whom I birthed in this very home, ten months ago.
We homeschool
and have moved five times (once transatlantic) in the last five years.

You may be thinking, “Duh, Captain Obvious. Of course you’re taxed!”

I can identify with Sally Clarkson‘s description,

“I was living a life of ideals that most of my old friends didn’t believe in and few understood, so often loneliness and lack of support were my companions.”

Though I often feel alone and unsupported, I’m not really alone. I think this is a particular “flash point” for homeschooling moms, stay-home-moms, moms of little ones, and anyone who goes about life with non-stop responsibilities without the “release” valve regularly being pushed.

BEING “ALWAYS ON” AFFECTS ME IN THESE 6 WAYS

Unlike virtually every other job a person encounters in life, we moms almost never have a time when we’re “off-duty.”

Because I’m always “on,” many of these are true about me:

I’m not acting like “myself” lately. Or, at least not the “self” I’ve always known. Even though I’m an extrovert, I *act* like an introvert at times when I’m out in public. (Not always, but often. Especially for a pretty strong extrovert like me, it surprises me how little I sometimes connect when I’m out in public.)
I don’t feel like talking. My mom and I discovered this recently. She’s an introvert, currently on medical leave from her job. Consequently, she gets oodles of time by herself, and so she’s quite talkative right now. I, on the other hand, have a house full of people around me, virtually all the time, who talk to me all day long… and I’m acting introverted much of the time. We both get so much of what is our typical “need” met that we currently gravitate toward the opposite of our normal inclinations, in order to balance out our lives. I have had to choose to be comfortable in my own “skin,” even when it feels different than it used to, to be ME.
It takes me a while to warm up in a crowd. Whereas I used to jump into social events ready to engage, it takes me a good 30-60 minutes after leaving our full-of-life home to mentally shift to engaging with others, and even then I often do a shoddy job of social interaction. I am growing to accept this about myself, for this season.
My conversations are a mess. When I *do* manage to sneak in an adult conversation, I often get home and find as I reanalyze the conversation that I completely misunderstood someone’s meaning, or that the comment I made was unrelated to the topic at hand but somehow in my brain it made sense at the time. Sometimes I make jokes that don’t make any sense. I don’t want to overstate this as if I’m some mumbling idiot, but more often than I used to, I find that my mouth has fumbled through a conversation and I realize it after the fact.
I am having to ask forgiveness from people way more often than I used to. My brain is more tired, and my body is more tired. I don’t know if it’s that I’m sinning more, or more aware of my sin… but either way, I am being regularly humbled. That stings, but I know that this too is for my good.
I forget to do things that used to be natural to me, in relationship. For example, I forget to follow-up about something going on in a friend’s life. In fact, sometimes my plate is so full I completely forget about an event/situation in someone else’s life. (Two weeks ago, I forgot that a friend’s dad had had a stroke until after I’d spoken to her at church. *Headslap!*) Grace, grace… I need it so badly.

PREOCCUPIED, CONSTANTLY: WHEN THE MIND IS FULL

Years ago, a mentor of mine– a busy mom with a large family– shared that a woman she’d gone to church with for a decade approached her and this was the conversation that followed

“Have I done something to offend you?”
My friend shook her head, and answered, “No… Why? Have I acted offended to you?”
The woman looked down, unsure but clearly wounded, “For years I have passed you in the halls and you always have a glassy look in your eyes, looking down as you walk, like you’re deliberately avoiding looking at me. What have I done?”

My friend (a busy mom with a large family) explained,

“I’m so sorry! I can’t believe it’s gone on this long and you’ve thought I was avoiding you. When you see me running back and forth, glassy-eyed, to the nursery or to go make copies for my husband or whatever, I am mentally running through the things I have to do, the kid I need to pick up, the diaper bag I forgot in the car, the conversation I had with my preteen on the way here, the fact that I only put mascara on one eye, or whatever.

I have absolutely not one thing against you. It just makes me sad that it took this long for me to clear it up.”

I think back to that sometimes, and it gives me comfort. She is a godly, loving woman, and she fumbled things sometimes, too. Sometimes we all have times where we are off our game. She was in a season. I am in a season too. Seasons are for a time, and then they pass and give way to something new.

Well, obviously I don’t always handle it super-well. I’m not coming to you as a soul care guru who has 100% mastered the art of social interaction whilst feeling weary and overwhelmed.

I still feel mentally preoccupied, physically touched-out, and emotionally like I have nothing much to offer, a good portion of the time.

I’m still me in my head and heart, but I’m afraid that if I was to evaluate myself objectively, watching a camera reel of my social interactions with others, I would probably see a lot of holes and weird spots, and what I see most likely wouldn’t resemble much of the woman I am in my heart and head.

Come to think of it, wrapping myself in caution tape as a visual cue to everyone I meet might not be THAT bad of an idea.

Barring that, here are 6 ways I handle being an exhausted mom:

STAY IN SCRIPTURE. When I’m regularly in scripture, I am spiritually refueling my tank. God is faithful to teach us what we need for a given time in our lives. So even if I feel physically or emotionally depleted, when I discipline myself to read God’s Word, my spiritual tank is full and I’m better able to walk in the Spirit.
ADJUST MY EXPECTATIONS. I need to regularly remind myself of this (temporary) new normal. Before I go to an event, particularly if it’s one I’ve been looking forward to, I have to dial back my expectations of myself. I used to be able to go to a church fellowship, for example, and successfully touch base with a lot of people, and walk away recharged. Now, I’m more likely to get one conversation in, and later realize I said or did something awkward. Or sometimes I get to the end of the event and realize I only interacted at surface level and wish I would have gone deeper. If I have lofty expectations of myself, I’ll walk away disappointed that I didn’t get to connect with people, when in reality, I probably did the best I could in the moment.
MY HUSBAND URGES ME TO CARE FOR ME. I’m thankful that Doug encourages me to do the things that will recharge (and not deplete) me. For example, before I head out the door to enjoy time with friends, he’ll say, “Sit by someone like ______, ______, or ______ (suggesting close friends)– take advantage of this time with them. Have a good time!” I so appreciate those reminders because sometimes the mental fog really doesn’t let me “go there” until after the fact.
OCCASIONALLY, I REMIND OTHERS ABOUT THIS MOM-EXHAUSTION-REALITY. I have been known to say things like, “I’m sorry, but I’m not very good for having a real conversation while my kids are running around on Sunday morning. You’re welcome to come by and chat during their naptime from 2-4 sometime this week.” Or if I feel eyes on me as I’m glazing over, walking to the nursery, I’ll meet their gaze and say, “Oh! I’m in my own little world. Sorry about that! How are you?”
ASK FOR TIME WHEN I NEED IT. Sally Clarkson has said, “Be assertive and tell your husband your needs. He is there to do life with you.” YES!!! I’m thankful for a husband who tries to care for me. Still, he’s not a mind-reader. We both have to work extra for me to get some time “off,” but it’s worth it, so we’re learning to plan for it.
USE RECHARGE OPPORTUNITIES WISELY. When Doug makes a point to give me some time to myself, or when the opportunity comes to get together with friends, I try to be extremely selective about what I “spend” myself on. I have less “extra” to spend than I used to have, so I have to be much more thoughtful about where it will go. Lord willing, the day will come when the kids will be out of the house and I’ll have more than ample opportunity for regular times “out and about” with friends. But right now, when I have a few free hours, I need to only do those things that will really recharge me, or in some way contribute to my emotional/spiritual/physical health. This requires that I carefully evaluate my choices so that I don’t expend energy in unhelpful, depleting ways.

IN THE COMMENTS, PLEASE SHARE:

Have you ever felt this way?
How do you find ways to recharge during these busy, tired days of always-on mothering?

PLEASE share in the comments. I want to hear from you!

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Confession time: I am tired of all the food wars.

Tired, tired, tired.

When I was growing up, everything was low-fat. Low-fat yogurt, 2% milk, low-fat cheese. Now, apparently, that makes you fat, no joke.

This week, it’s “eat no carbs”, next thing I read says ‘trade off only carbs or fats as the fuel for each meal (who the HECK wants to eat a burger with no cheese or mayo?– don’t answer that and make me feel guilty- ha!), next one it’s “only eat like the cavemen did.” Last year was “switch to whole-grain everything,” this year they’re saying, “whole-grains have too much gluten.” (And probably, you can find current studies saying the opposite of everything I just wrote. Please don’t. I don’t care anymore.)

I give up.

I don’t have the energy to follow the trends.

I have OPTED OUT of the food wars.

I’m a tired mom just trying to do the best I can to feed my family. I refuse to pile guilt on myself when JUST BUYING THE GROCERIES and KEEPING THEM SEMI-IN-STOCK in our home, and KEEPING MY KIDS FED takes about all the mental capacity I have to devote to food.

Here’s some things I’m thankful for:

I’m thankful that I can buy real food for a family of eight when so many people are losing their jobs and struggling.
I’m thankful that I’m able to be home with them so that my time can be leveraged and make our budget stretch farther by me cooking from scratch.
I’m thankful I have learned how to cook a number of things from scratch. (I’m no gourmet, but I can get around in the kitchen all right.)
I’m thankful for the easy-peasy convenience foods we use from time to time (to give me a freaking break without freaking breaking our wallet).
I’m thankful that I came to this mothering gig before the “your baby needs to eat non-GMOed-fermented-organic-kale as his first food” mantra was in existence. (OK, I don’t think that’s a mantra. But it’s not far off from being able to be a believable mantra, right?) I’m glad I was a mom before this food stuff reached a fever pitch, because now I recognize it as unnecessary and dispensable advice.
I’m thankful for the mental space, and internet access, available to write to all of you ladies about this.

We mostly can’t afford organic, and we don’t eat the best. But we don’t eat the worst either. I try to feed my family real, wholesome food, and limit the unpronounceable ingredients. I’ve watch the documentaries like Food Inc., Fat, Sick & Nearly Dead, and King Corn. And I try to cut through the hype and learn little bits that will help me make livable, sustainable, budgetarily-reasonable choices for our family.

I think my kids eat more veggies than I did growing up, and last year we switched out the boxed cereals for oatmeal. Now we’re switching to steel-cut. And ya know, maybe someone will release a study this week indicating that that’s terrible. If so, don’t write me a comment about it.

I’m just saying, we’re making changes that we’re pleased with.

That’s my point–

We do the best we can. And that’s all we can do for now. I bet you do too.

I’m not going to let the scary documentaries, bully dietitians on daytime TV, latest fad diets, and baby food diet “experts” (who maybe don’t even have kids themselves) make me take on a heap of guilt over something like this. And I want to encourage you not to either.

HERE IS MY MANTRA, and I offer it to you as well:

Do the best you can.

Live in grace.

Drop-kick guilt to the curb every time it rears its ugly head.

And be grateful.

And I will too.

The end.

Blessings to you and your family,

Jess Connell

P.S. If you or your child has a medical issue or allergies with certain foods/whatever, please don’t think this is an attack on you or your family. The mantra goes for you too. Hang in there.

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Q: My 2.5 year old son is having tantrums, laying on the floor, thrashing and screaming. I feel like something is wrong! Is this normal? What do I do?

A: Yes, this is something “normal.” Tantrums are without a doubt something you will face as mom, and every single one of my children has tried to pitch a fit, throw a tantrum, scream and fuss, whine and holler, stomp, and/or lay down and thrash on the ground (well, not Theo yet, but he’s only 8 months old… give him time, and –sadly– he will too).

It’s part of living with a little sinner who wants to go his own way.

He thinks he knows better than you, but needs you to be firm and not let him do things like ignoring what you say, screaming, and throwing tantrums.

EVERYTHING STOPS

The very *SECOND* something like that happens, everything in his world should come to a screeching halt until he adjusts to mom’s way of thinking and acting. However long that takes. No more playing, no snack, no “first let me ____,” no psychobabble/excuses. Definitely no bribing him to stop.

First things first. Use a firm voice: “Stand up and stop acting that way.” See to it that he stops. When he realizes that you mean business and will not allow anything else in life to happen until he complies, he’ll muster up some self-control.

Really. So keep at it however long it takes, until he stands up (on his own two feet– don’t allow any of this pull-up-the-feet-and-refuse-to-stand business) and stops.

Many women I encounter stop me at this point and say, “but you don’t understand. My child is so stubborn/strong-willed/angry/physically strong.” Yes. Yes, I understand. (See the comments for more specifics on this point.) But yes, I mean you. And yes, I mean your child, no matter how willful, difficult, or strong-willed.

Persevere and do not let your child do anything else happen until the tantrum stops.

[The only time I do this differently is if we are out in public, and thus subjecting others to the drama. At that point, I stop whatever I’m doing– yes, even grocery shopping– and either move to an out of the way place where we can talk face to face (me kneeled down at face level, or out to the car) without distractions. Do not subject others to your child’s foolish, annoying, loud shenanigans. Regardless though, everything stops and we deal with the tantrum, UNTIL. Until normality of attitude is resumed.]

At that point, life goes on, pleasantly.

COACH WITH SHORT, OBEY-ABLE SENTENCES

You coach him to do whatever it was that frustrated him, but in the way he *ought* to do it- “Ask mommy nicely for your snack,” or “Ask mommy to help you put the train track together,” or, “We are not leaving the store right now. You need to wait just a little longer until we finish shopping,” or “You may not go outside right now. Sit here and snuggle by mom and look at books.”

Do not get into long explanations or psychoanalytical feelings-type language. If he’s throwing a fit because he wanted a particular book on the store shelf, it’s OK to say, “I know you wanted that book.” But then move on.

Use short, obey-able sentences, like:

“Look in mommy’s eyes.” (Wait for him to look. Boys can be particularly bad about this, and work fiercely to look anywhere else but your eyes. Outlast him. Block out other perspectives and direct his chin to where his face is looking at you. Do not do anything else until he looks and holds your gaze.)
“You must not fuss that way, yes ma’am?” (I’m from the south. We say “yes ma’am.” Insert the phrase of your choosing, but something where he is affirming your authority and his intention to obey. “Yes mom,” “Ok, mommy,” etc. are fine alternatives.)
“Now, stop fussing.” (Expect that he does. You are his right and loving authority, and he can stop himself, truly.)
Sometimes follow-up sentences about posture/facial expressions are necessary with this… “Pick up your head. Open your eyes. Uncross your arms.” Etc. Many children display physical characteristics that let you see exactly what is going on in their hearts. Coach them to physically change their posture or facial expression from a state of grumping and slumping to an attitude and appearance of facing the world cheerfully.

Then I help them wipe their eyes/nose/face if they need it, encourage them to take a deep breath, and then I sometimes redirect their attention to something pleasant (“Look at that kitty cat!”). Not at all in a coaxing way, but in order to help reset their minds.

Any HINT of the return of fussiness merits the same response. Everything stops until the grumping stops.

BE AUTHORITATIVE AND FIRM

Honestly, if you are firm and direct, every single time he does this, these outbursts will almost entirely end very soon. While my kids continue to try to have tantrums from time to time, they are shut down very quickly, and we move on to pleasant things.

In my opinion, advice like “ignore it” or “put them in their room” allows these miserable emotional (not to mention LOUD) displays to go on and on indefinitely… for minutes, or even hours at a time… and then for days upon days of walking around on eggshells, waiting for the next episode of emotional volatility or dramatic eruptions. All the while the child is developing a habit of raging about the things they want, and an unhealthy, emotional fixation on the things that irritate and bother them. These are not attitudes I want to be reinforced or unaddressed in my children’s hearts and lives.

Just stop the whole thing as soon as it starts. Train your child in the way he should go– not at all in an ugly way– just straightforwardly. Teach him how to behave. Show him what he ought to do and do not allow dramatic nonsense to carry on and on. Within a second or two of the eruption, stop him. See that he stops. Then move on pleasantly and enjoy the day together. You may even find that by watching your children carefully, you can begin to tell when a tantrum is oncoming, and help them to stop it before it starts by coaching them through how to handle disappointment or frustration.

This is all about having firm, no-nonsense consistency. Our culture has a real authority problem, but kids recognize when someone in the room knows they are the authority. We’ve all seen and experienced it, where the kid who’s a real pill pushes everyone around until he meets the hard-nosed teacher who won’t put up with it. She’s the authority and they both know it.

So, be the authority. Not in a bullying, ugly, angry way, but in a firm, “I’m 5000% serious, and there is absolutely zero chance of this continuing to happen.” sort of way.

AFTER you deal with the immediate issue of the tantrum, then you go on and parent as usual. No grumping, shock, or bitterness on your part. Be pleasant and enjoy him.

He is still your sweet boy, but he is (like the rest of us) a sinner who will fight tooth and nail to have things his own way if he possibly can. Some children absolutely put up more of a fight than others, but make no mistake– they all want to have their own way, regardless of personality.

Galatians 6:9 tells us not to grow weary in well doing because there is a harvest to be reaped in due time if we don’t give up. You are doing well to your son when you take time to stop him, require that he stand up, stop lashing around like a foolish child, look you in the eye, be respectful, and obey your voice. You are teaching him, by the way you follow through and see that he listens to you, how he should respond to the authority and voice of God.

REMEMBER: IT’S AN OPPORTUNITY

Instead of seeing tantrums as a horrible, embarrassing thing, see it as an opportunity to address something in your child’s heart that desperately needs to be dealt with.

When your child erupts into a tantrum, God has given you a BIG moment where you can teach your child to listen to you, to trust your instructions over his/her feelings, and to have self-control in the midst of disappointment, frustration, rage, or uncertainty. This is an investment in your child’s future– you are teaching him/her to be emotionally stable and not fly off the handle into rages or controlling emotions because of life’s disappointments. You are training him/her how to respond to challenges and difficulties.

This is a golden and rich opportunity for you as the parent!

Every kid tries it.

But it doesn’t have to continue.

It’s a learning opportunity for you both, and an opportunity for him to grow in maturity and self-control. It’s one of the many ways that God has put you as an influence and authority in your child’s life in order for you to guide him in the way he should go.

Click here for more specifics on how to handle tantrums.

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Last week, I wrote about how I stop tantrums lickety-split.

Make no mistake, I’m an advocate for parental authority and consistent discipline:

But it made me think– I am coming at these things from a perspective of having GREAT AFFECTION FOR my children, and lavishing GREAT AFFECTION ON my children every day. And, sadly, I am quite certain that not everyone nowadays knows what that looks like.

This greatly affects how parenting advice plays out in the life of a family. Consistent, biblical parenting is meant to be carried out in the context of a loving, affectionate relationship.

I believe the firm authority of a mother is meant to be carried out within the beautiful context of a very affectionate, loving relationship.

PRACTICAL WAYS TO SHOW LOVE TO YOUR CHILDREN

So let me share some of the *regular* forms of affection I share with my children (currently ages 11, 9, 7, 5, 3, and 8 months). Most of these are daily, a few might be once/week-type actions or activities:

I tell them “good morning” every day, usually with a simple touch to the arm, or while smiling at them and cupping their chin with my hand.
We snuggle on the couch together, usually with the child tucked into the crook of my arm.
I pat their arm or give them a side hug while we talk.
They tell me their jokes. Even if the joke doesn’t make sense (which, they mostly *don’t* with kids about 7-8 and under), I smile, offer genuine laughs when they come, and affirm their efforts.
I look them in the eyes and give them my full attention when they speak to me. (This means looking up from the phone without distractedness or annoyance.)
I try to smile big whenever I see them. This happens tons and tons of times a day.
We talk about what is going on in their lives– big and small. (They show me Lego creations or drawings; I draw out deeper things from my roughly 7 and older crew when I sense that there are undercurrents of feeling left out, discouraged about something in particular, etc.)
I get down on the floor and wrestle and play with them, intermingling snuggles, wrestling, hugs, kisses, and laughter. I play knee bouncy games with the 7 and under crew, where they bounce on my raised legs, or where I even lift them up, cheerleader style, so they’re standing on my hands (when they get older it’s just too much for my hands and knees).
We share meals together where I sit down with them and we pray, talk, memorize Scripture together, laugh, comment about how cute their little brother is, etc.
One or two of them might meander into my bedroom for a snuggle first thing in the morning before we get up, bleary-eyed.
I shower them with kisses. This decreases in frequency as they get older.
I hug them often. This does not decrease in frequency.
We laugh together.
I tickle them and they ask for more tickles. (I always stop if they ask me to “stop,” and they all love to be tickled. Theo even signed “more” when we would stop tickling him as a baby. I *think* this is because they know I will not exceed their boundaries in this area. They can always say “stop” and I will, immediately.)
I zuburt them, and they ask for more zuburts. (After finding that link, I realize that I’ve been mispronouncing it– and misspelling it– all these years. Oh well.)
I rub their backs or give neck/leg massages when they seem sore/tight/achy, or are having growing pains.
I ask them questions like, “Do you know how special you are to me?” and “Do you know you’re my favorite 9-year-old in the whole wide world?“
I respond to their requests to color/build blocks/design a train track/do doll hair *sometimes*. I am not primarily their playmate, but I am willing to play, from time to time, because I love them and want to spend time with them when I am free to do it.
They cook with me and I tell them they’re doing a good job.
We take walks together and hold hands.
We dance silly together to fun music like LeCrae.
I tell them “I love you” often.
I hug and scratch their backs.
We swim and play together outside. (Occasionally I even join them on the trampoline.)
I sometimes reach and hold their hand if I am in the front passenger seat and they are in a car seat, or when we are on the couch.
For little babies: I keep them close in slings, sometimes. I kiss their toes, their nose, etc. We play little games where I list out all their body parts, pointing to each one and saying that God made it.
I listen to them. Even when it’s stuff I’m not necessarily interested in (though this has it’s limits. Sometimes mom has a migraine, or is cooking and focused on following a recipe, or needs quiet afternoon time, or whatever. I am not advocating for boundary-less living, but self-sacrificial love will sometimes mean listening to an extensive description of a WWII battle tank, a silly rendition of a favorite song, or how our daughter just made up a nonsensical story with her My Little Ponies).
I talk to them. We talk about politics, what bill I’m paying and how much it is this month, why I chose to spray paint my writing desk yellow, ideas for how to build a chicken coop, reasons why we opt out of certain things in order to spend more time together as a family, etc.
We opt to take one or more children with us when we have an errand to run, even when we don’t “have to.”
We use LOTS of pet names (little squish, sweet potato, doodle, punkin pie, baby man, noodle baby, stinker pie, squishy-ba-dishy, little man-man, snuggle-buggle, precious baby girl, etc.).
As they get older (more toward 7-11+), I ask them their opinions about things... we talk about life and the implications of different decisions and I affirm whenever they display any amount of wisdom or insight.
I read books to them aloud (yes, even to my oldest son who in youth group).
We hug and kiss them goodnight, every night.
We sing songs together, especially at bedtime. (Their favorite, most-requested is “Amazing Grace.”)
I pray for them, out loud at bedtime, whenever I put them to bed. (Admittedly, bedtime is normally a daddy-duty around here, but whenever I put them to bed, I pray aloud for them.) For all of the children, I pray that they will sleep well, sleep all night, and be refreshed and ready for a new day the next morning. If anyone has been struggling with fear or night-wakings, I thank God that He tells us “Do not be afraid, for I am with you.” I verbalize, “When I am afraid, I will trust in You,” and ask that He would remove any fear and teach them to trust in Him. I pray for my sons that they will grow up to be honest, honorable, hard-working men who protect the women and children God puts in their lives. I pray that they will prize Scripture and become more like Jesus every day. I pray that they will be kind to one another, patient with their sister, and become servant-hearted men like their daddy. For my daughter, I pray that she will grow to be a woman who loves Jesus and knows Scripture. I pray that she will be a kind-hearted woman who uses her words to encourage and build up others. I pray that she will be a blessing to her brothers.

This is something that is important to understand… as Christian parents,

We are not pursuing the robotic subjection of our children.
We are not dictators, and they are not cowering subjects.

We are pursuing a loving, affectionate relationship with them, as we train them to obey, coach them through life, teach them what’s right, and help them walk in the way they should go.

LOVING them with GREAT AFFECTION allows us to discipline them with great consistency and confidence, and enjoy life alongside them within the context of a joyful family.

IN THE COMMENTS, PLEASE SHARE: What are ways you show love to your kids that you would add to my list?

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It can be easy, as a stay at home mom, to forget the significance of what you are doing.

In our modern busy-busy-busy, degreed, careered, materialistic, overcommitted society, it is easy to devalue the perfect normalcy of the simple everyday routine, and how that will sear warmth and joy and security into our children’s souls.

For example, studies continually show that sit-down meals as a family echo out for decades into a child’s future. That one action affects things like a child’s performance in school, likelihood to try drugs, and future obesity levels. The family dinner, that used to be a given in virtually every home, is now almost a radical act of cultural disobedience.

We are incomparably blessed as mothers.

There is no role in society like ours.

I am fairly confident that I could rival any supermodel in the amounts of flowers I’ve been given (if dandelions count), the number of smiles I’ve gotten, the number of times someone has clamored for my attention, and the number of compliments I’ve been given in my life. On the rare day when I wear a necklace to church, I’ll hear–multiple times over– some variation of: “I wike yo pitty neck-us mommy.”

Truly, it is a rich blessing to have precious uniquely-built souls looking to you, smiling at you, reaching out arms to you, with little hearts eager for your notice of their latest accomplishment. Each child watches and learn from mom about the world– and each child offers love with such open, tenderhearted affection.

Eternal significance oozes out of the pores of the pregnant mother.

Until this last century, every single human being knew it, and reverenced it.

As the pregnant woman nurtures a new life, she is brought near to the Creator– the giver of souls– and she watches as His creativity is revealed yet again right before her eyes:

The miraculous first hours of wonder, awe, fear, and reverence with a new baby roll over into
Sleepless nights, which roll over into
A new normal as a family, which rolls over into
Getting to know a new little blossoming personality, which rolls over into
Following this little wandering soul around your house 24/7 because they’re too little to really understand words and rules and no-nos, but just big enough to be curious about everything and just risky enough to try to find out, which rolls over into
Defiance and determination the likes of which you’re convinced the world has never seen, which rolls over into
Figuring out house norms and rules together as parents and child, which rolls over into
Repetitive daily life.

And it’s that last one that really seeps into all of the others.

It’s that last one– repetitive daily life– that can cause some mothers to think, “this is dull/unimportant/insignificant.”

It is easy to believe lies about what is significant.

We all want to believe that what we are doing is weighty.

We are bombarded by worshipful images and messages that communicate that career-minded workaholic women are to be admired. Society repetitively communicates to us that “me-time“, mani/pedis, perfect hair, and dream-chasing are where joy, dignity, and value will be found.

(Psst. Even though you may not have seen an example of the kind of mother your child needs for you to be, you are utterly irreplaceable in the life of your child. You are one of a kind, and God has uniquely fitted you for the position He’s put you in as a mother. What’s more, this is the one crack at life that you– and your child– get.)

Last night I went out to finish up the project that has taken up my extra time for weeks– the one where I bit off more than I can chew and yet here I am, still chewing, and miraculously it’s coming along like I hoped it would– building the chicken coop.

I walked out to the workshop alone, and brought my phone and earbuds so I could listen to a sermon and have a little down time.

But almost immediately after I walked into the workshop, I heard the door open and close behind me.

Baxter (my 9-year-old) asked if he could help build the coop. So moments later, we were nailing reclaimed boards up for siding on my blueprint-less chicken coop when he said, “it’s amazing that you can just think up and do something like this, ya know?”

(While I’d like to let his comment hang in ambiguity so that you all would think he was saying that about me, I should clarify that he was saying this about the universal “you,” as in, “it’s amazing that a person can just think up and do something like this.”)

So then Baxter and I shared an inspiring-to-me exchange about how God has made us humans creative, like Him, and how incredible it is– the things we can accomplish, when we put our minds to it. I told him how excited I was to see what God would give him to think up and do in his lifetime.

Those moments just happen. And we can’t script them.

They are the overflow. Special moments of encouragement, conversation, and soul-building are what happens as time marches on and the little days with infants roll over into exhausting days spent training toddlers to be pleasant and abide by rules, which roll over into enjoyable days spent with older children.

The truth about quality time… and I hesitate ever-so-slightly to say it because I wish you could hear my heart in it… but the truth about quality time is this:

Quality time is a myth made up by busy people.

Quality time is experienced in the unexpected moments that crop up during quantity time.

And we instinctively know this to be true, because we experience it in our other relationships and areas of life.

When we have a mad-dash crammed-full-of-relatives holiday, we don’t feel that we’ve suddenly gotten to know their hearts and seen a glimpse of their souls. We’ve gotten a quick-and-dirty update. We’ve seen their pretty, cleaned-up-like-it-won’t-be-for-the-rest-of-the-year house, and they’ve seen us in our well-chosen outfit that hides our postpartum fat rolls as best we are able. We’ve all stuffed ourselves with food and information, and we go home full but not truly satiated.

We know it when we take a May-term class and get the “gist” of the class, but miss out on the regular interactions with a wise professor that shape our souls in unexpected and foundational ways. The 3-week quick version simply can not provide the same experience that a semester-long, week-in, week-out class provides.

A fast food meal, passed through a window, fills the belly, but does not in any way compare to a sit-down meal, cooked by the home or restaurant chef, accompanied by good conversation and time to laugh and relax.

When we finally meet “the one,” we ache to be together. One date every so often would not produce the kind of relationship that satisfies… no, sometimes it is difficult to even say goodbye at night (even when we know we’ll see each other early the next morning). We long to KNOW and be KNOWN… our souls long to connect with another human being in intimate, satisfying, mutually beneficial, secure ways.

What have you experienced in your family? What do you think about the quality/quantity time dichotomy?

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“One day, I’d like to write a novel.” Millions of people have likely spoken those words (whether out loud or in their own heads). And yet, few accomplish it.

If you’ve got “write a novel” on your bucket list, but haven’t ever done it, NaNoWriMo– National Novel Writing Month— in November of each year is an opportunity for you to change that. It’s a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants global event with the goal of writing a 50,000 (or more) word novel in 30 days or less (by the end of November).

“But I’m a lowly/ tired/ overworked/ underpaid/ busy/ overwhelmed/ barely-keeping-it-together stay-at-home-mom,” you might say. Maybe you’re the mom of toddlers. Maybe you’re a homeschool mom. Perhaps you have multiple preschoolers clamoring for your attention (phrases like “color with me” and “help me go potty, mommy” fill your days).

All of these are truly challenging, you’ll get no argument from me about that. I’ve been in each of those scenarios, multiple times over, and– trust me– I get it.

(1) If you have a newborn, please don’t think I’m aiming this at you. Snuggle in and nurse your newborn and take in these irreplaceable moments, and don’t feel the least bit guilty for resting and bonding and sleeping and barely-keeping-your-head-above-water for as long as you need to.

(2) If you’re not a writer— and by that I mean something akin to this quote by Sylvia Plath, “I write only because there is a voice within me that will not be still”– there is no shame in just being who you are and not taking on extra commitments and guilt for something that’s not how God created you to be. Please don’t think I’m aiming this at you.

(3) If this isn’t the right season of life for you to participate (and only you can be the judge of this– I passed by a half dozen years of NaNoWriMo before the time came for me to participate), please don’t take on a lick of guilt. Pass right on by this article and seriously, don’t make this part of the cacophany of voices making you feel guilty for not doing or being enough.

To all of you, I say: Go in peace.

To the stay-at-home mom who has been bursting to get a story out onto paper, the woman who used to write but hasn’t lately and feels the loss of it, the gal who wonders if she can do it, the girl who loves a good gauntlet thrown down and feels the adrenaline rushing the minute there’s a goal to achieve… whoever you are, and whatever your reasons are for participating, you may be wondering, Can I really do it?

While some people use NaNoWriMo to propel them forward in their short story or poetic writings, the main thrust of NaNoWriMo is novel writing (thus the “No”– standing for novel).

Never written a novel before?

Neither had I. Until NaNoWriMo 2012. With 5 kids in tow (and our 6th in utero), I jumped in with both feet, wrote like crazy, and got to 53,000 words in the month of November.

But (in Cat-In-the-Hat phrasing), that wasn’t all, oh no, that wasn’t all.

Because I was a NaNoWriMo finalist (meaning, I reached that 50,000 word goal), I earned the right to receive 5 professionally-printed copies of my novel from CreateSpace (an incredible prize!). But though I’d written 50,000+ words, I hadn’t actually *FINISHED* my novel. So in June 2013, I took time to finish up my novel (bringing it near 75,000 words) and then ordered my printed copies.

What a wonderful prize!

And even though I knew they were coming, it was utterly delightful, and overwhelming, to hold a copy of my novel. I couldn’t stop smiling. I’d done it. What’s more, I knew I wanted to do it again.

In 2013, I did it again. Despite a computer crash, ER-level migraines that kept me from writing for 5 days, my husband losing his job, and having to move out of our home because of water damage, I made it JUST past the 50,000 mark on the afternoon of November 30th, 2013. I can’t wait to hold this one in my hands too!

So, my advice to you this: WRITE. YOUR. NOVEL. It’s the one only you can write.

Here’s a list of ideas specifically crafted for the busy stay-at-home-mom to participate in NaNoWriMo:

Wake up an hour or two (or even three) before the kids wake up. Write like the dickens, or write like Dickens. Either way works.
Write while they eat. Choose & prepare easy things for you (power bars, salads prepped the night before that you can just pull from a plastic tupperware in the fridge) so that while the kids are eating, you can use that 20-40 minute time slot to write like mad.
Write while they nap. If your kids don’t nap, implement a one or two hour quiet time each day where looking at/reading books or quiet drawing/coloring are the only options. They’ll be the better for it, and your novel will be the better for it.
Write while they play. Set them up with toys near you (within 5-10 feet of you) each on a separate blanket, or in a separate spot, and let them play with one toy set at a time. You could even set a timer, where they can trade out to a new set every 20 minutes or so. Then, write as much as you can while they play independently.
Write while they run around in the backyard or at the park. Let them run out their craziness while you write seated nearby. If you’re at the park, you’ll only want to do this if you’re the only one at the park at that particular time, but in your backyard, shut the fence and let them run like wild banshees while you crank out a few scenes.
Write after they go to bed. Get them in bed by 8. Even the sleepiest among us can afford to stay up until 10 to get in two hours of writing. Or, you could stay up until 1 or 2 and get a crazy-huge amount of writing in.
Write once your husband gets home from work. Assuming he’s on board with this thing, ask him to pitch in extra during this one month a year and take over for you once he gets home. You hop on back to your bed and write like mad.
Write while they read/color/listen to audiobook/watch a movie. I’m loathe to suggest that last option. TV-watching/movie is not something you want to make a habit of, and yes, I realize I’m talking to moms living in a crazy screen-addicted nation. Nonethless, NaNoWriMo may be a good reason to allow a little extra TV viewing. (And there are EXCELLENT programs like The Magic School Bus, National Geographic videos about animals, MathTacular!, and Liberty’s Kids that would actually be beneficial.)

Of course, I just gave you a slew of ideas. Here’s a few more:

Seated on a stool at the kitchen counter.
At the dining table while the family eats.
On your couch while they play around you.
Propped up in your bed while your husband snores.
At your local coffee shop (although this is too distracting for me, some people find it productive)
While you take one kid to play rehearsal/music lesson/sports practice

This one usually pertains to, “I’m so busy”, “the kids are so wild”, “the house will be a wreck”, “what will we eat?” sort of reasons.

Let the house go to pot. Yes, this is particular meant for you, house-cleaning-nazi mom (this would not be me). For you, you have permission to let the house go a little haywire for a month. It could mean the difference between holding a lovely printed copy of your novel in your own hands, and not.
CUT BACK on things that will make more work for you. Let the kids wear pajamas all day to cut back on laundry. Use paper plates. For the month of November, don’t buy the granola bars that have the little bits of oats that the kids inevitably spill all over the floor. Structure your life with more intentional simplicity this month.
CONVENIENCE FOOD. This doesn’t have to mean no nutrition, mind you. But your food choices need to be faster and more leftover-friendly this month. Consider meals like: a big pot of soup that can last for 2-3 meals, frozen pizza stashed away to use in a pinch, salad & fixings that can be prepped all at once and left in the fridge to grab and use for the next 3-5 days, etc.
STOP the Candy-crushing. STOP the Pinning. STOP the mindless habitual Facebook browsing. STOP the blog-hopping. Cut out the unnecessary and unhelpful. Don’t even go there. Exercise a massive amount of self-discipline and don’t even go there. OR, set a daily goal with these things as your “carrot” for reaching the goal (i.e., “Every time I reach an increment of 5,000 in my word count, I can browse Pinterest for an hour.”).
STOP using the internet function on your computer. This is another means of disciplined self-control. You can turn off your wi-fi or just not open your web browser. It only takes a few days for your habits to shift & you’ll be off and writing!
Get your spouse on board. You’ll get so much more accomplished if they agree that this is a fruitful use of your extra time for the month of November, and agree to help out more than normal. Ask for their support in not griping about the house going to pot and the meals being less fancy, and perhaps even for some full-time solo parenting while you write in solitude.
If you’re a homeschool mom, consider not schooling for the month of November, or at least doing less schooling. Perhaps you’re in a state that requires you to do it. Fine, no problem– get after it! And write at other times. Or, assign work they can do independently, and take a break from read-alouds with mom during this month. Older students can join you in the Young Writer’s Program of NaNoWriMo as part of their writing/language subject matter. Last year, I started schooling in July so taking a break in November was no big deal. There were still days when they asked to do it, and so I went ahead and put together their work so that they could be productive in school while I was productively writing. But at least consider how you can creatively shift their schooling around to allow for your writing to be most productive.
Keep your Thanksgiving plans in a tight box. It doesn’t mean you can’t celebrate, but don’t let it consume days and days and days of your time. If it’s important to you, treat it like a weekend “off”: set aside a day to cook, and a day to celebrate, but then GET BACK to writing.
Jump on my NaNoWriMo Pinterest board, get yourself a quick visual peptalk, and then get back to writing!
Set goals. Goals help you along. On the NaNoWriMo user dashboard, there’s a wonderful little bar chart that lets you visually track your progress toward the 50k wordcount goal. Use it. Set daily goals. “Before I go to sleep tonight, I’ll hit 6,000.” “I’m going to crank out two scenes before I go get groceries.” And set overarching goals. “I’m going to write 5 days a week and each day I’m going to write at least 2,000 words.” “If I fall behind one day, I’m going to work to get ahead the next day.” Goals will help you make forward progress, and ultimately make you a NaNoWriMo finalist.

I’m publishing this in time for you to clear your calendar, talk it over with your spouse, and ready yourself for a crazy-fun crazy-fast month of November.

WHY WRITE?

Write because you can’t NOT write.

Write because the story is inside you and keeps churning until it spills itself out on the page. Write because you have a perspective on life, the world, God, family, adventure, or love that only you can tell. Write because you have always said you would, and now’s your chance to try. Write because you are an interesting gal who takes risks and loves the challenge. Write because you need to.

Write for your own reasons.

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30 practical ideas for the hardest days of motherhood
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Sometimes when people long for the good old days, they’re remembering something that didn’t exist, fabricating entirely, or even just wistfully only recalling the good (but forgetting the accompanying bad).

But when it comes to the way children behave toward their parents and toward adults nowadays, there really is a significant differencebetween what the average mom puts up with today, and what would have been allowed 30, 60, 100 years ago. Whether it is sassiness, rudeness about a meal you just made for them, barging in on you while you’re going to the bathroom, or thoughtless comment about your post-partum belly, YOU, mama, are the one teaching them how to treat others.

And yes- YOU are an “other” in their life. Which means this:

Stay at home mom, YOU have to stick up for YOU.

Being sassy is not OK. You are their mom.
Being rude and ungrateful about a meal you’ve (or anyone else has) made is not OK. They are to be thankful for things done for them, and realize that having someone else cook for them is a gift. So yes, this means, you need to be the one to tell them they should say “thank you” for dinner, to you. It may seem counterintuitive, or like fishing for a compliment, but no– those are lies. You are teaching gratitude, kindness, and the value of work to your child.
“Please don’t ever walk in on someone going to the bathroom. Unless your hair is on fire, you can wait a moment while I finish going potty, and then ask me your question when I come out.”
A thoughtless comment about your post-partum belly is not intentionally hurtful, but it IS hurtful, and could be extremely hurtful if your child doesn’t learn from you not to say that, and they go and say that to another woman. So tell them. Not in an ugly way, but tell them. Let them know, “I know you’re just saying that, and you’re right, mom’s tummy is smushy right now, but you are never to say that to a woman who has just had a baby. It is hard work having a baby, and the woman’s body goes through a lot of changes. It’s much better to talk about how cute the baby is than to ever say something like that to a new mama, OK?” (Obviously, a 2 year old isn’t going to understand this very well. But older kids can learn this.)

Teach children how to treat YOU in the same way you would respond if they said or did those things to another human being.This is your job. Day in day out, you can teach your child what is normal, and acceptable, and appropriate for polite and pleasant interactions with other human beings. And the first place to start is often right under your nose… in the way they act toward you. NOT SURE WHAT’S RIGHT OR NOT? Perhaps you grew up in an unhealthy home, or you struggle to assess these things in daily life. If you’re not sure, consider these questions:

Would you let them treat a woman you greatly admire and respect (don’t jump over that description– picture her!) the way you just let them treat you?
If you were a missionary and they sat down to eat at a poor neighbor‘s table and reacted to that food the way they just reacted to the homemade meal you made, what would you do?
Would you let them talk to Bono, your pastor, the President, the bank manager, the Pope, your husband’s boss, or Princess Kate the way they just spoke to you?

If you’re still not sure, hook up with other godly Christian families and watch. Observe norms about how they allow their children to interact with adults. Listen to how their children speak to them. Ask questions. Lean in and learn.I know it can feel weird, at first, to stick up for yourself. You can trick yourself into thinking that it is selfish or not right. But in actuality, by teaching them how to treat you, you are teaching them much more than simply that. You are teaching them basic concepts of respect of others, and how they are to respond to authorities in their lives (which they will have, their entire lives, no matter how rich or famous or brilliant they grow to be).You can do this!Teach your children how to treat you, and stick up for yourself. Teach your children respect and gratitude, and you’ll be doing yourself and them a world of good.

Image Credit: stockimages/freedigitalphoto.net

Subscribe to my newsletter, and I’ll send you my FREE sanity-saving printable: 30 QUICK FIXES for GETTING THROUGH THE TOUGH DAYS.

30 practical ideas for the hardest days of motherhood
Get this list you can refer to when you’re sick or out of ideas

SIGN UP NOW & I’ll send it your way:

maximios ⋅ Blog