WHAT I’M READING:

  • Ten Proposed Commandments for Christian Parenting — #4 is the one that’s most difficult for me. What about you?
  • A Letter to the Sister in Christ Who Aborted Her Child(ren)
  • Can We Kill Human Beings if They Are Not Persons?
  • On Planned Parenthood, Ashley Madison, and Shame— What happens in a culture where sexuality in every form is celebrated, and yet we still meet with shame from (what everyone used to know was) poor decisions?
  • Mom of 8-Year-Old Gay Pride Marcher Responds to Critics — We’re really botching this parenting business, and this article shows the absurdity of our modern era. Unfortunately, Yahoo!, in classic Yahoo! fashion, is choosing not to show the comments for this article, but I saw them when there were hundreds of people with common-sense responses calling this mom out for being irresponsible. The mainstream media does not want us to feel like we have the right to say this is absolute nonsense, but it is absolute nonsense. Intellectuals from the ages have thought that children need guidance in their tastes, choices, and celebrations. Only in our modern age do people think that fetuses aren’t people, yet 3-year-olds “know themselves” and can begin therapy to become something other than they actually are. Mama, don’t fall prey to thinking that this is normal.
  • The Real Reason Women Are Having Children Later — this article points out so many inherent flaws with the approach of feminism and why, a generation later, women are worse off, and not better off. Somehow, interestingly, even when they “have it their way,” feminists find a way to blame men for their problems.
  • We Don’t Love Children; We Love Drywall — a sad but true assessment of our materialistic culture (even in the church!)
  • More Kids, Less Stress? Survey Reveals the Magic Number of Children for a Worry-Free Future — Haha, well, I don’t know about “worry-free,” but stats seem to consistently show that moms of more than average have less stress, though most people would expect the opposite. It presents a chicken-and-egg conundrum, perhaps: is it that moms who stress less go on to have a third child (or more), or that moms who go on to have a third (or more) stress less?
  • The Bible and Same-Sex Marriage: 6 Common But Mistaken Claims — one sample quote: ” Whereas with creation/slavery/women one can point to passages where counter-tensions existed with what was clear (such as the way Paul asks Philemon to treat Onesimus, or how Mary sat as Jesus’s disciple, or how the Spirit is said to indwell all women), no OT or NT text is even neutral on same-sex issues. Every single text that mentions the topic does so negatively.”

“Aristotle says that the aim of education is to make the pupil like and dislike what he ought. When the age for for reflective thought comes, the pupil who has thus been trained in “ordinate affections” or “just sentiments” will easily find the first principles in Ethics: but to the corrupt man they will never be visible at all… the little human will not at first have the right responses. It must be trained to feel pleasure, liking, disgust, and hatred, at those things which really are pleasant, likable, disgusting, and hateful.” ~C.S. Lewis, The Abolition of Man

THINKING ABOUT:

  • What my Bible study time should look like now, in this season of motherhood… I used to be faithful at deep, ongoing Bible study, and have just flat out dropped the ball on this. I’ve been doing 2 Corinthians for the past couple months with our ladies’ Sunday school group, and Exodus with Doug & the kids, and studying a variety of passages when I’m asked to do freelance work on a Bible study. Still, sometimes I feel like all I’m getting is just sustenance and not on-going deep meat like I used to do. Any suggestions out there? Ideas? Is this just how it is in some seasons? I don’t want to grow stagnant and be OK with that.
  • The Problem With Transparency— How do we have small groups and accountability groups that truly propel sanctification, rather than mere confession of perpetual sin, fleshliness, and ugly attitudes?
  • How to Raise Boys Who Read— We’ve got some great readers around here, but I’m still always thinking about our balance in this topic– where we fall on the video game/book continuum. I’m (personally) not a fan of video games. And yet I loved playing Super Mario. And yet we own 4 Nintendo DS systems (only 1 of which we bought… and that was used)… which I let the kids pull out probably on average 15-25 times a year. We don’t keep them out, and it’s a rare treat, for a couple hours or an afternoon at a go, but they do sometimes get played in our home. So while I’m not a fan of video games in general, we own them and allow them in moderation. I guess, my general thought is, I don’t think they’re wicked in and of themselves, but I *do* think a great deal too many adult men seem to be mastered by video games, and as I think about what my boys are growing into, I don’t ever want them to be mastered by playing with plastic and pixels. We believe an important part of parenting is keeping careful watch over their appetites, and this is a particularly vulnerable appetite in our culture. Anything that approaches “mastering” our children gets talked about openly and they know has the potential to be cut altogether if I see it controlling them in an unhealthy way.
  • Why Do We Sing? Hymns & Contemporary Christian Music in the Church — thoughts from a friend of mine that greatly mirror my own. One sample: “If our goal with congregational singing is to involve the people and unite them in communal worship we need to ask ourselves if we are achieving that goal. Are we inviting people to sing with us in a manner they can follow and in a manner which they can feel somewhat confident?…Sometimes I feel that a secret requirement of being a part of a congregation is to be conversant in the current songs playing on the Christian airwaves.” I have felt these things, and appreciate Pamela’s honesty.
  • Getting ready for this homeschooling year… a bit of a switch-a-roo from our survival-get-through-it last few years of adjustment from whole books with two boys close in age, to multiple children at multiple levels… but this year, the focus is going to be back on whole books. Pray for me to persevere with this, y’all.

“Moral excellence is concerned with pleasures and pains; it is on account of the pleasure that we do bad things, and on account of the pain that we abstain from noble ones. Hence we ought to have been brought up in a particular way from our very youth, as Plato says, so as both to delight in and to be pained by the things that we ought; for this is the right education.” ~Aristotle, Nichomachean Ethics, Book 2, Chapter 3

DOING:

  • This has been the summer of extracurriculars for our family. I set out, at the beginning of this summer, with a MOTH-like schedule of what we would do each day… including logic, drawing, sports/P.E., and music. I wanted to give the kids purposeful, structured exposure to all the stuff we don’t always have regular time to fit in during the school year. Well, it’s all (mostly) boiled down to drawing and music, haha. Though I can make them wonderfully, I’m terrible at *keeping* rigid, MOTH-like schedules. But we have had SOME “success”– our 9-year-old daughter started taking violin this summer, and I’ve been teaching my 7 & 13 year olds how to play guitar. The last couple months have been focused on learning basics about the guitar and some chords. This week we started learning basic strum patterns.  I’ve never taught guitar… so I’m sure I’m probably doing some things wrong, or in the wrong order, but it’s free, and I play well enough for them to get going with chords and rhythm. If they advance beyond my ability (which won’t take much effort), I’ll celebrate and we’ll consider “real” lessons.
  • We found this awesome game– Mastermind— last week and everyone from the 5 year old and up has been enthralled! It’s a very clever, and very simple, game– my favorite type! We can’t stop playing… seems like somewhere in the house, someone’s playing, nonstop!

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Tagged abortion, About Jess, culture, games, homeschooling, learning, marriage, parenting

On the last day of each month, I take some of the Q&As that have happened in e-mails, private messages, and interactions with readers/friends, and anonymously share them here, with you all.

CAN I CORRECT A CHILD WHEN I STRUGGLE WITH THE SAME THING?

Q: I’ve wondered whether you have any experience in your yelling being passed on to your kids through modelling and how you are working on that? I often feel that I can’t correct a sin in my kids when I do the very same thing myself (hypocrisy I guess?) Sometimes I look around at my family and see the effect of this particular sin and how my modelling it has caused my children to deal with things in a sinful way too…and don’t even know where to start sorting out the mess. Any thoughts? Perhaps one day you may do a follow up post on that initial post of yours. Thanks Jess!

A: Yes– I have experienced this. I experienced this as the child, picking up those habits from my (godly, yet human) parents. And my children have picked up this terrible habit from me.  It’s hard, isn’t it? Proverbs 23 says, “Do not go with an angry man…” and yet, that’s hard to do when you’re a kid and that “angry man” is your mom or your dad. It’s hard for our kids to do when *WE* are the “angry man.” A young child can’t “get away” from an angry parent, and thus, they pick up those habitual sins. I’m saying that as both the child… and as the parent as well… so please, don’t hear heavy-handed condemnation from me.

But, this is what I know: Sin is something we must fight, and when we don’t fight it and kill it, it easily passes to the next generation. 

Ephesians 6:4 tells parents, “Do not provoke your children to anger…” and yet parents can do this when we discipline without self-control. There are so many potential pitfalls for parents with these fits of anger. And of course, raising sinful children is custom-designed by God to push all our buttons and expose our weaknesses… so we will run to Christ and not trust in ourselves.

For me, the ultimate answer is the Gospel. 

It exposes the truth about me, and the truth about my child. When I take on a posture of humble confession and step off the platform of perfect performance as a parent, I’m able to identity as fellow sinner who is also in need of forgiveness. I’m able to identify with my child, and able to say, “yup, me too. I need grace too. I’m still growing, this many years in.”

I’m still the authority, but I’m a knowingly imperfect authority. 

The other thing I have learned is this: I must WORK ON IT, actively, genuinely… Let your children watch you grow- let them see how a humble disciple wields accountability, and godly sorrow, and the Word to intentionally pursue growth. Let them see your confession and repentance through changed actions. You may not “never yell again”… but you can yell less this year than you did last year, and yell less next week than you did last week. You can fight this sin and, over time, cut it out of your life. 

Our children are blessed when they see TRUE godly sorrow over our sin. Don’t minimize/diminish, or excuse/justify sin. Don’t blame it on them (“I only yell because you don’t….”).

If you don’t feel sorrowful, intentionally place yourself under the weight of Scripture, meditate on the long-term effects of your sin, consider the result of raising angry, yelling children who will angrily yell at your grandchildren, at their husbands/wives, who will justify their own lack of self-control, because that’s what they’ve seen all these years in you. REALLY LISTEN to what the Bible says about yelling. Take to heart your own sin. Let it sink down heavy on your shoulders. Feel the full weight of it. THEN you can regard it rightly- as SIN– AND bring it to the Father with sobriety and an awareness of your need for grace and the Spirit’s work in your heart, and actions.

Our children can see through us; they see what’s really happening in our hearts and lives. We are living a model out before them.

  • How do you want them to fight sin in their lives? Model that for them now.
  • How do you want them to confess sin to their spouse and children? Model that for them now.

Live life before them as an open, growing believer… and trust God with the results.

So, should you still correct them, even while you struggle?

YES, you should. You should do so because you are the authority and you are charged by God with raising them in the way they should go. That said, do so with a compassionate heart that comes alongside them and identifies as a fellow-sinner. Fight sin together. Encourage and challenge them with the verses that challenge you. Bring them alongside you as a sinner in need of grace and growth in Christ. 

HOW TO TELL OUR SON HE WAS CONCEIVED BEFORE MARRIAGE?

Q: When and how should my husband and I tell our son (almost 14) that I was 5 mos preg with him when we got married? My husband thinks he won’t care and it won’t be a big deal to him, but says that if he was a girl, he might care more. Should we tell him?

My kids know about sex and all that..I have’t yet talked to them about explicit/side issues but they know pretty much everything else. Also– Any ideas on how to bring that up-how to start that convo?

A: Yes, I think you should matter-of-factly tell him sooner rather than later, and it should be done with a regretful but forgiven attitude. I think you should tell him because it is about his life. Because one day he will do the math, if he hasn’t already. And because as Christians we live in the light. We confess, move on, and walk in obedience.

This is just the sort of thing that could cause distrust later, when it could just be brought into the light and then life goes on.

Don’t beat around the bush or use euphemisms. He needs to know that you shouldn’t have done it. He also needs to know that you’re thankful for him and not regretful at all that HE’s here.   And he finally needs to know that it’s all covered by Christ’s blood & while there is regret for having disobeyed, that you’re not under some kind of “other” category of sin… it’s all forgiven and that you just want to live in the light together. It’s something for him to learn from and use as a warning and admonition against sin. If possible, I think you and your husband should do this convo together.

I’d start the conversation simply, like this: “Son, your dad and I have something important we need to talk with you about.”   And then dive in.

(Those are my thoughts, anyway.) Please share your thoughts in the comments. 

HOW CAN WE KNOW GOD’S WILL?

Q: “How do you know if a decision is what God wants? I mean how do you ever really know? My husband and I are both plagued with doubt about *everything*. Is there some sort of feeling you get when you know it’s what God wants?”

A: I read a book last week that explained it like this:

“If someone had come up to me and said, ‘Clare (this guy’s name is Clare), your mom told me to tell you to be sure to help grandma when you get to her house today.’ “, then I wouldn’t even question it. That sounds just like my mom. Because I know her, I know what she would want and can feel reasonably certain that that directive is from her.

So for things like that, do what you feel reasonably certain your Father would have you do, based on what you know of Him.

For the confusing times, and times when we have a decision to make, and both options seem possibly “good”, or we just don’t know…

  1. We pray for wisdom, together. James 1:5 promises that God loves to give us wisdom when we ask for it in faith. So trust that He will lead you.
  2. We seek wise counsel from people we trust & respect. Proverbs says, “In many counselors, there is wisdom.” Of course, this includes each of us reading through Scripture or bringing up things we heard in a sermon, read in a book, something that came up in a conversation today, etc.
  3. Then we talk it through. And we repeat 1 & 2 as needed.

We’ve made so many decisions along the way, particularly during and since the time when we first considered moving overseas, and have gotten some wise counsel over the years… here are some random thoughts, for you to consider if they might apply to you:

(1) Once God speaks to you, go with that. Don’t get distracted by other neat-o-mosquito ideas. Go with what He has said.
(2) Ask yourself, “when He HAS spoken to us, what has He said?”
(3) Pray for complete peace.
(4) Ask for clarity. There’s a verse in Scripture that says “you will hear a voice behind you saying ‘this is the way; walk in it.” Ask God for that level of clarity in your decision-making. He is Your Shepherd. Trust that He will lead you with clarity.
(5) Trust that God knows my heart even more deeply than I do. Pray that He will reveal what is true.
(6) Be willing to do what He says… and pray for a willing heart.
(7) Don’t stress about the future; consider- what has God made us for? What are the unique things He’s built into us?
(8) If we don’t know, keep going with what we do know.
(9) Remember that timing is significant. God allows things into our lives intentionally and whether the answer is yes or no on a particular thing, this “thing” has not come up willy-nilly.
(10) God sees my needs and has ways of meeting them. Possibly with the resources available to me, and possibly in some other way. Look for how God will meet those needs, and look for ways to meet them myself, but TRUST that He will provide a way for my *needs* to be met.
(11) Consider the implications of your decisions... what will the outcomes be? In what ways might this free us? In what ways might it bind/complicate our lives?

Cover everything in prayer. Seek wise counsel. And go forward trusting in His sovereignty. He does not leave His children, and if you are immersing yourselves in His Word (as much as you are able), seeking wisdom (as much as it is available to you), and seeking to do right, He’s not up there waiting for you to take a misstep so He can laugh at you and push the button that pulls the floor out from under you. He wants to guide you and help you. Trust Him.

One more thing- and this is important:

If after doing #1, 2, and 3, you still don’t know which way He is guiding, then make the best, wisest decision you can and walk forward in confidence.

Sometimes He makes His plans very plain to us, and we can see very clearly what He has for us, and sometimes it is unclear, at which point we can rest in His sovereignty (even in our human-decision-making) & strive to make the best, wisest decision we can.

For big decisions, definitely pray pray pray. Seek all the wise counsel you can get. And then wait and see what He says. It is quite possible He will lay out a clear course of action. But if not, then we can rest in His sovereignty and take the next step in faith, knowing that (if we are continuing to dialogue with Him about it), He will do a mid-course correction in our lives if necessary.

WHAT DOES THE BIBLE TEACH ABOUT HOMOSEXUALITY?

Q: “Hey so I believe that homosexuality is not ok but when I look for verses I can’t really find any that make since. I want to be able to defend my belief so could you pont me in the right detection.”

.2:0.0.0.0.0 score=12.75>A: Here’s a good basic overview: http://www.gotquestions.org/homosexuality-Bible.html

We could talk more about this in person, but the basic reason goes back all the way to creation: God made a man and a woman as the highlight of His creation. He pronounced them married, and said for this reason a man shall leave his father and mother (this assumes that a father and mother are the necessary leaders of a home) and cleave to his wife (not his husband, or her wife)– this language is important and exists from the beginning.

Everywhere– every single place that homosexuality is spoken about in Scripture is negative, never positive. Even though it most definitely existed, in very obvious forms, in Roman society, at the time of Christ. There was plenty of opportunity for it to be “OKd” by Jesus if it truly was OK.

Ephesians 5 is a great chapter for all kinds of reasons– http://biblehub.com/esv/ephesians/5.htm it talks about sexual immorality (sexual sin) as never OK…

But then at the end of the whole passage about marriage, it says this:

.2:0.0.0.0.0 score=6.445>” a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.”

The whole point of all of creation– including the fact that we are made male and female– is to give us pictures that point us toward Jesus.

The picture of marriage between one man and one woman is all pointing to the picture of Jesus Christ and His Church. The Chuch is called the “Bride” of Christ & He gives Himself up for His bride. She (the church– us) submits to him as He leads. He protects and provides for His bride. He protects her purity and purifies her. That’s the way a man and woman marriage is supposed to work.

The whole point of marriage on earth is to point to the ultimate union of Christ and His church.

Q: Our oldest is almost 3, and we’ve been down an already LONG road of trying (unsuccessfully) to potty train. I’ve done a ‘boot camp’ with the charts, stickers, candies, etc. for 5-7 days two different times (18 mo, 2.5 years) and both times we ended the week with me still having to issue tons of reminders with lots of accidents. At some point, I just had to throw in the towel and go back to normal life. I couldn’t be in ‘potty training’ mode for weeks on end! …here are my questions: – When do you potty train? – Is there a particular method you use?

Also, this is more of a theoretical question, but I’m just curious to get your take on it… I’ve heard over and over again that you should NEVER discipline for refusing to use the potty. I’ve read that in ‘expert books’ from medical professionals and from seasoned parents. However, this seems inconsistent with all other areas of parenting. There is no other thing where if we ask our child to do something, and they refuse, that we would just ‘let it slide’. So I’m curious – is using the potty different? If I know my child can use the potty, but just doesn’t feel like trying when I ask, can / should I discipline for that? I’ve been treating it as an exception to the rule, but I almost feel like our child is tugging us along – one day wanting to be a ‘potty user’ and the next day not really caring or wanting to try. I feel like we’ve botched this attempt at training, but I’m confident he WILL eventually be trained :-). We are looking forward to doing a different approach with our other children. Thanks for any thoughts or help you can provide!

A: Thanks for your question!

First of all, how do we do it– it’s similar to my approach for teaching reading. I wait for readiness. I watch for signs, and I would rather wait too long than start too early. 

So I’ve had some that I did earlier, but now… I wait until the summer after they turn 3. Yes, I realize that for some people that’s incredibly late. But for me, it’s where (with a heap of boys) we’ve landed. By then, (barring any disability or learning delay) I know that they physically CAN do it, and they are consistently obedient, so I’m not fighting obedience AND potty training at the same time. (One battle at at time…)

Here’s the deal: the earlier you train, the more you’re basically training YOU. YOU have to be on top of it– reminding them, asking them, remembering, giving advance warning, coaching them to hold it, etc. The later you train, the more you’re training THEM. They are capable, they are willing partners, and it’s not *all on you.* Now, with girls, you could possibly do sooner. And, if you want to, you could do it earlier with boys. (My oldest son was trained at 21/22 months.)

But honestly, it’s all about YOU. What YOU’RE committed to. And for me, as a busy mom of many, I’ve found that when I try too early, we all get frustrated and they have a bunch of accidents cause I’m so busy and forget to remind them and take them all the time. But when I start later, we have more success and they take ownership for it themselves.

The METHOD FOR POTTY TRAINING? I wait until I have about a 2-week period with no outside-the-home commitments except for Sunday church. They run around naked, and I have them sit on a doubled-over towel while they play. (To catch any accidents.) I remind them every 20-30 minutes and work really hard for that one week or so. I encourage them to drink often, and feed them salty snacks (so they’ll be more thirsty, and thus, have more opportunities to practice and learn about pee-pee always going in the potty. By the end, they’re usually on track. Because they’re older when I train them, we tend to have less accidents and it takes a much, much shorter time than it did when they were younger.

NIGHT TRAINING: My daughter was night-trained almost simultaneously with being day-trained. None of my boys have done that. They have all been day-trained by 2-3 years old, but none have night trained (consistently, completely making it through the night with no accidents) until somewhere between 4-6 years old. So they wear undies at daytime and wear a diaper to bed until they can go 7 days in a row with no accidents. I don’t push for this. I wait until it starts to happen naturally, and then encourage it with the reward of big-boy-undies-and-no-diapers at the end of a 7-day streak with no accidents.

OK, then as far as discipline-in-potty-training goes, here’s my general approach: I do not discipline unless I am certain they are being defiant. But… again… I’m not fighting them on potty training. I’m waiting for them to have signs of readiness and a willing, eager heart to learn (we “bribe” them with new cool “big-boy” undies, etc.). So once we set out to learn, and then if I see an ugly, defiant attitude in the midst of that, then, yes, that’s treated like a normal discipline issue– correction, instruction, etc. But I do not discipline IN ORDER for them to learn to go potty… I hope that’s clear. It’s discipline because of an attitude once they’re already in the process of learning. (i.e., not because they “can’t” or don’t know how… but because, once they’ve already done it before, they all of a sudden stop trying and start dawdling, throwing fits, grumping, doing something other than the normal, pleasant going along through life). Also– by waiting until they are older, it shortens this process and makes it at a time when obedience is already normative in our home so there is less defiance in general, because they’ve already learned to go along and get along in our home.

Hope that helps make it clear what we do. I’m certainly not claiming it’s the only way to train or anything, but it works for us and keeps me from constantly cleaning up accidents or having the success of the whole enchilada depend on me for months on end.

Thanks to those who wrote, for the questions and dialogue!
Have a question? SUBMIT IT HERE.

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Sometimes we cry over personal pain or frustration. Sometimes over relational distress. Sometimes over an unexpectedly hard day.

Sometimes my tears are understandable and justified.  Sometimes I’ve cried selfish tears, or over dumb stuff. But there is some of my crying that my kids have seen that (I’m convinced) does good for their souls… It rises up with uncontrollable force at unexpected moments. I’m not saying this crying is forced, or should be… but that when there are natural tears about serious things, it is a good thing, and can be instructive for our children.

RACISM

Your kids need to know the truth about racism. 

When we watch video clips of Nazi Germany’s treatment of the Jews… when we talk about cultural genocide in far-flung corners of the world… when slavery in America comes up in a homeschooling lesson… when a young black man is shot and black mothers across America mourn his death and fear for the lives of their sons… when we discuss the beauty and wisdom of Dr. Martin Luther King’s peaceful resistance, I can’t hold back the tears.

Racism is an ever-present evil in this world. It happens among people who look entirely different from one another, and it happens among people who are strikingly similar in appearance but have come up with some reason why one group is below the other. Your children should learn about its horrors at your knee. They should hear your choked words and whatever words they can’t make out should be dotted with words like “wicked” and “evil” and “heartbreaking” as you talk about this tragic and terrible part of our shared history.

Oh I know it’s hard to talk about. You fear you’ll get it wrong. You fear you’ll say the wrong thing, or mess up, as you talk about race in America. And you may. You very well may. But you’ll be talking. And they’ll be listening.

They need to know. They need to know it’s not OK to use racial slurs (yes, this means you need to rein in every single one you use, even unintentionally or unthinkingly). Over time, as they grow older, they need to become acquainted with stories about lynching and the wickedness of the KKK. They need to understand that German youths were taught to hate, and that they believed their hatred against “those” people was justified. They need to be put on guard against racism rising up in their heart. They need to hear this from your lips… and it is beautiful and right for them to see tears in your eyes as you speak of these horrors.

Let them also hear that the Gospel of Christ can reconcile men and women of every race, and that Revelation says every tongue, tribe, people, and nation will be present in Heaven one day. Marvel and imagine together at how the songs will sound when every tongue and every culture brings its glories to honor the risen Christ. Through your tears, point them toward the beauty of diversity and how God wants to redeem all people for His glory.

PERSECUTION

Your kids need to know the truth about persecution of those who trust in God. 

  1. Tell them the story of Jim Elliot and his buddies… that they *had* guns and could have protected themselves but had agreed in advance not to use them for self-defense against the Gospel-less tribe that speared them to death.
  2. Tell them stories about Iranian believers who — right now — are being exiled and murdered and persecuted for their faith.
  3. Let them hear about the underground Chinese church and how, even amidst the persecution, it flourishes.
  4. Tell them the stories of Acts… Paul being lowered in baskets out of cities because his life was in danger, and the time that the entire city of Ephesus shook with people calling for his death because the cultural religion was teetering and threatened.
  5. Tell them about Shadrach and his young pals and the man-made god everyone in that culture was supposed to bow down to, and how they did not bend their knees.
  6. Read them stories of the Jews and Corrie ten Boom in the Holocaust.

Let them know their time may be coming. Let them know our culture is building man-made gods too, and calling us to bow down, but that we must stand firm like Shadrach, and yet, choose non-violence like Jim Elliot.

It’s OK if your voice cracks… if fear seizes your brow as you ponder what may come to them in their generation. But even amidst the fear, as the tears wet your cheeks, call them to fierce loyalty to the Savior, even in the face of persecution. Lean in close and tell them,

“God is faithful. He is so good and so loving. Entrust your life to Him! He knows what you were made for and He will use your life in the very best way… for your good and for His glory! There may be basket days or fiery days in your future, but He is worth it! He is my treasure. I’m praying for you to trust Him and follow Him for your whole life.”

THE GOSPEL

The Gospel should not be a Sunday subject. Your children need to hear it from your mouth, early and often.

  • They need to hear about God’s radiant holiness (set-apartness… His intrinsic “otherness”).
  • They need to know that they’re sinners, and that you’re a sinner too… and thus, can’t commune with God.
  • They need to know that there is a way for them to be reconciled with a holy God… that Jesus Christ paid their debts, and they can be made right with God.

Recount it to them regularly. Sometimes, if you meditate on it enough, it may clutch at your throat and you’ll be overwhelmed by the sheer beauty of it. You’ll be tempted to hold back your tears… don’t.

Let them see the greatness of God!

  • He redeems sinners– not just cleaned up ones! Murderers! Terrorists! Haters of God! He redeems us– really terrible people– for His glory! 
  • He breaks down the barriers between races
  • He makes broken things whole and beautiful
  • He sweetens even persecution and makes it bearable
  • He puts up with us– our sin and stagnation– and keeps working throughout our lives to make us pure and beautiful, inside and out.
  • He is to be prized above all things.

Teach them that He’s worth it. Teach them, at your knee of His beauty and goodness. And if the tears flow sometimes as you pray to Him, as you marvel at His sovereignty, as you express your inmost thoughts and fears and ask for His intervention… all the better.

There are certainly other areas… peoples around the world who are dying without the saving Gospel of Jesus Christ, abortion, the utter darkness of the 10/40 window, and the fact that America has nearly 5 Bibles for every 1 American but this is the least Bible literate generation since the inception of our country… but the same principle applies to those areas as to these.

Mainly what I want to encourage you with is this: it is more than OK for your kids to see you cry over serious, heartbreaking things. It is GOOD and RIGHT. It will work good in their souls for these tears to roll down your cheeks.

Racism, persecution, and the beauty of the Gospel are three areas where I want to encourage you… when the tears come, Mama, let your children see you cry.

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Tagged biblical teaching, martyrs, motherhood, persecution, racism, suffering, the Gospel

Done this last month:

  • Culled our library, pulling out books for a garage sale, and for some upcoming giveaways.
  • Worked with a young friend to clean out and organize my craft closet.
  • Finished a writing job. I’m so thankful to be able to work on Bible studies as a side job for extra income.
  • Did a week-long device & media fast. Felt conviction about electronic overusage and am still working through how to practically live that out. Hoping to write more on that, soon. (And yes I’m laughing at myself about this one– Ironic much?)
  • Started drinking unlimited coffee rather than limiting myself to 1-2 cups a day. I’m enjoying it and not having near the effects (mainly, jitteriness) that I anticipated.
  • Started using the paid-version of the “Way of Life” app as a simple way to keep myself on track with daily goals for myself, our home, and family.

To do this upcoming month:

  • Pack and prepare for an upcoming camping trip… my first time to go camping… and doing it with 7 kids — EEEEEK!
  • Go on said camping trip.
  • Prep for our upcoming homeschool year.
  • Restructure our chore chart, adding in Theo as a helper, upgrading and shifting certain responsibilities
  • Start making baby food for my little Mr. Chubster. He’s 5 months old, salivating, eyeing our food, and generally getting ready for solids.
  • Get my fall plans sorted out– babysitters arranged for a conference we’re attending, plans in the works for co-authoring a book, considering what we’ll do for our 15th anniversary in a couple months… lots to think about!
LINKS FOR GROWING ON PURPOSE THIS WEEKEND:
CURRENTLY READING:
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I LOVE THIS:

Try not to think–much less speak–of others’ sins. One’s own are a much more profitable theme. C. S. Lewis

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When you consider what you’d like in a young man, be honest… what ranks up there?

  • Good looks?
  • Nice eyes?
  • Enjoyable sense of humor?
  • Taller than you?
  • Fun to talk to?

Heck, I remember looking for those things (and getting them I love my husband’s blue eyes…)… so I’m not knocking these “lesser” desires… but of course that’s not all there is to a husband.

And to moms looking at their sons, growing toward manhood:

When you consider what you’d like your sons to be, be honest… what ranks up there?

  • Funny?
  • Talented at sports or some other pursuit?
  • Clever/witty/smart?
  • Hardworking?

I have an appreciation for good humor and a good work ethic too… but the Bible urges us to shoot for more than just these things.

Let’s look at what the Apostle Paul challenges the young men in the church to be:

Likewise, urge the younger men to be self-controlled. Show yourself in all respects to be a model of good works, and in your teaching show integrity, dignity, and sound speech that cannot be condemned, so that an opponent may be put to shame, having nothing evil to say about us.. ~Titus 2:6-8

These are less likely to be at the top of modern American “lists” as desirable things for a husband– but they’re things God commends in young men:

  • Self-controlled/sensible
  • A model of good works
  • Integrity in teaching
  • Dignified
  • Sound in speech
  • Beyond reproach/condemnation, so that opponents have nothing bad to say

What do these things look like? Pastor John MacArthur says:

As in verses 2 and 5, “sensible” carries the broad meaning of having common sense, good judgment, and self-control.

…The phrase “in all things” properly belongs at the end of verse 6. It refers to being sensible and emphasizes the broad scope of this admonition. Young men, who frequently are impulsive, passionate, ambitious, volatile, and sometimes arrogant, are to exercise self-control and show good sense and judgment in all things.

…Self-control, a synonym for sensible, is a fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:23). With the Spirit’s help, therefore, young men, like all other believers, are enabled to master all areas of their lives in a way that is pleasing to the Lord.

TWO GROUPS THAT NEED TO HEAR THIS ADMONITION:

  1. Young women who are considering young men as potential husbands
  2. Mothers of boys who are thinking about what they’re “aiming for” in their mothering

To those evaluating potential husbands, ask yourself these questions about him as he is now, not what you hope he might one day be. This isn’t an exhaustive list, but it’s a helpful one, straight from Scripture, as you evaluate a young man.

To those evaluating your sons, ask yourself if he’s on his way toward this? Is this truly your target (what you’re aiming for)? Is this the road he is on? What needs to change for him to be this sort of man by the time he leaves your home? What sort of training, teaching, correction, or rebuke does he need in order to get on this path, and flee from youthful foolishness and self-focused, arrogant thinking? Do you need to devote yourself to faithful prayer that God will use you and your husband to help make him into this sort of man?

QUESTIONS TO EVALUATE A YOUNG MAN:

  • IS HE SENSIBLE? Self-controlled? Does he exercise good judgment? Is he given to impassioned judgments and unreasonable beliefs, or is he steady? Sensible? Reasonable? Reliable? Does he take life seriously? Is he prudent in discernment?
  • IS HE AN EXAMPLE IN GOOD DEEDS? Are people around him challenged to be more like Christ? Is he a servant? Kind? Truly interested in others? Focused on meeting needs of people around him? Is his life a pattern that others would do good to follow?
  • DOES HIS TEACHING HAVE INTEGRITY? Is his doctrine pure and unadulterated? Or does he corrupt biblical ideas with worldly thinking? Is he (as other translations render it) “sound in faith,” “well-grounded in faith,” “robust in faith?” Does he know Scripture well? Not just obscure random parts (i.e., all about end times/eschatology?), but the whole counsel of God’s Word? Can he explain the Gospel clearly and effectively? Does he apply the Gospel to his own heart? (If this is the man who will be teaching your children, or your grandchildren… is his teaching solidly biblical?)
  • IS HE DIGNIFIED? This means serious… which not many people nowadays value, but it is a biblical value. A good sense of humor is enjoyable when we are young, but someone who takes life seriously is valuable as we age. When your children are disobedient, you want a man who takes it seriously and isn’t a slave to joking, pleasure, and amusement as a means of escaping the struggle. When life gets hard (that’s what all the “or worse,” “or poorer,” “in sickness,” business is about in our vows), it is a blessing to be with a man who soberly assesses life and walks in dignity and honor.
  • IS HE SOUND IN SPEECH? Are the things he says wholesome? Accurate? Healthy? Life-giving? Is he given to ranting? Anger? Filthy joking? Immaturity? Are the words that come out of his mouth respectable and worth listening to?
  • IS HE BEYOND REPROACH? The idea of this is that even when someone disagrees or doesn’t like him, they should have have nothing bad to say about the sort of man he is. It should be the case that, if someone was trying to criticize him, they shouldn’t have any clear evil or wickedness to point to.

As you look at a potential husband, or at your son as he grows toward manhood, keep this description in mind.

TO THE YOUNG WOMAN EVALUATING A YOUNG MAN:

Perhaps you think this list seems out of reach?

Perhaps every young man you know is wrapped up in hobbies, movies, video games, or worse (porn, a hook-up culture). This list is not out of reach. This is what God expects of young men. The young man who is pursuing Christ should be on this trajectory. As a young woman pursuing God, this is the sort of man you should be looking for.

Certainly, he won’t be perfect, but this is the sort of young man he is supposed to be. If he’s not, don’t marry him. As someone who regularly counsels wives, I’m telling you there’s nothing harder than a woman who married a boy who, at 36, 46, 66 years old, is still (for all intents and purposes) a BOY in his inclinations and leadership as a husband. It is HARD to respect and submit to a selfish, indulgent, foolish, decades-old BOY. Marry a godly man. WAIT for a godly man.

TO THE WOMAN EVALUATING HER SON: 

Of course, your 3-, 7-, or 11-year old son will not wholly be described by this list. But this is what we’re shooting for– this is the SORT of man you should want your son to grow to be. So as you see his weaknesses emerge– self-absorption, a lack of discernment, self-focused actions, rude joking, bad judgment, laziness, volatility– correct him. Let wisdom be on your tongue as you instruct your sons toward manhood. Use Scripture as it’s intended— for correction, teaching, training, and rebuke.

At 3, the battle might be foolish joking. So work on that. At 7, the battle might be selfish actions rather than servant-hearted ones– so work on that. At 11, the battle might be understanding the Gospel and how to discern truth from error– so work on that. At any age, anger, foolishness, laziness, selfishness are things to be fought. So take up the battle and make this passage of Scripture part of the “target” you’re aiming for as you mother your son.

FOR ALL OF US: 

This is what Titus 2 tells us a commendable young man looks like. Let’s make sure we’re valuing what the Bible values when we look at a young man, whether as a mother or as a future wife.

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Tagged Christian marriage, dating & courtship, marriage, maturity, young man, Young woman, Younger women

“It takes incredible amount of courage and strength to go against the grain of what people want you to be.” ~Janet Mock, trans advocate, in a documentary about Bruce Jenner’s recent ESPN award

No it doesn’t.

It doesn’t take strength at all to go your own way.

That is what comes naturally. This is the human condition. Pride naturally compels us to go against the grain of what others want, and propels us toward what we ourselves want.

We all naturally want to go our own way.

This isn’t just Bruce Jenner’s problem. It’s your problem, and mine. It is easier to:

  • insist on having things your own way
  • insist that life be drawn according to your own desires, feelings, & parameters
  • insist that your church be just the way you like it
  • insist that even the Bible change its teachings in order to match your shifting beliefs
  • insist that your spouse change to suit your desires
  • insist that your unborn child be murdered in order to accommodate your desire for boundary-free sexuality
  • leave your family to pursue your own dreams, career, education, life

than to:

  • give up having things our own way all the time
  • give up control of your life to God’s better (but often, harder and more terrifying) plans
  • submit yourself to the (imperfect human) authority structures God has ordained
  • submit to the truth in the Bible, even when it is culturally and/or personally uncomfortable
  • submit to and love your spouse the way you want to be loved
  • give life and breath to the children God gives you, even though it will certainly mean that He uses them to change your life and change you
  • submit to and serve your family, finding God’s means for your unique gifts to be used for the service of God and the people around you.

But the second list is where the beauty is. It’s where beautiful relationships happen, and it’s where beautiful souls are crafted.

Whether we admit it or not, we all recognize that the second list is more difficult. It’s where we see the truly courageous heart: willing to yield to wisdom outside itself.

It’s harder to give up your life for others. It’s harder to submit to things not being the way you’d like for them to be and submit to an imperfect existence, rather than to set out on a quest for the unattainable (but gleaming) ideal. It is easy to pursue your own dreams… and harder but much more rewarding to come to the foot of the cross and say “not my will by Thine.”

It takes courage to submit.

It takes courage and strength of will for a wife to submit to her imperfect, human husband. It takes courage and strength of will for a military man to submit to his imperfect, human commanding officer. It takes courage and strength of will for a church member to submit to his/her imperfect, human elders.

It takes courage for a human being to say,

“OK, God, I give up my desire for control, for having things go my own way. You know better than I do. I feel confused, and incapable of meeting your standards. But you know better than I do. You are the Potter; I am simply clay. Shape me and mold me according to Your plans rather than my own.”

I love this passage from Elisabeth Elliot’s book, Discipline: The Glad Surrender:

“Willing obedience is a very different thing from coercion…

God does not coerce us to follow Him…

If we want to be disciples, we place ourselves, like the football player and the instrumentalist, under someone’s direction. He tells us what to do, and we find our happiness in doing it. We will not find it anywhere else. We will not find it by doing only what we want to do and not doing what we don’t want to do. That is the popular idea of what freedom is, but it does not work. Freedom lies in keeping the rules. Joy is there, too.

The violinist in the orchestra has submitted first to the instructor. He obeys the rules laid down by him and handles his instrument accordingly. He submits then to the music as written by the composer, paying attention to the markings… finally, he submits to the conductor. The conductor tells him, by word or gesture, what he wants, and the violinist does just that.

Is there any image of freedom and joy more exhilarating than a full orchestra, everybody sawing, tootling, pounding, strumming, blowing, clashing, and hammering away for all they are worth, under the direction of the immense energy and discipline of a man who knows every note… and knows how to elicit that note exactly so that it will contribute most fully to the glory of the work as a whole?”

Don’t let our culture confuse you, mama: there is strength in submission. Freedom comes — not in shaking OFF God’s ways — but in humble submission and obedience to God’s larger plans.

Submission is not being a doormat; it is controlling one’s strength within a God-given structure.

{Sidenote about Bruce Jenner: Obviously, he is still a man. Everyone who looks at him knows he is still a man. Let’s not be like the emperor’s subjects who refused to state that he was obviously naked.

Bruce Jenner is still a man. He is a confused man who did not tell everyone he was “actually a beautiful woman inside” until after he watched his step-daughters gain acclaim and fortune by plumping themselves up and pimping themselves out, and possess a fame even greater than the kind he once possessed as an athlete. He waited until society was willing and eager to embrace the idea of transgenderism, and then… surprise! He wants us to believe that he is actually a plumped-up pimped-out Kardashian-like sex goddess inside… and he wants fame and acclaim and awards and magazine covers.

He is grasping for the glory of old, with all the cameras on him.

And our culture submits to his fancies.

I am sad for our culture. Ten years ago, we recognized that a man who butchered himself to be white when he was actually black (Michael Jackson) was confused and sad and addicted to fame and needed help. We no longer are a culture that recognizes a need for help, and instead have embraced an untruth. 

And I am sad for Bruce Jenner. He is not a young, brave, beautiful woman. He is an incredibly rich, 60+-year-old grandfather who likes being in the limelight and has found a new way to do it. He should be accepting his place in the world, like all humans have to do: reckoning with his age, his weakness, his lack-of-limelight living, the fact that all of us feel “different” and “special” and yet all of us die and return to dust. Given his more recent rise to fame through “reality” TV, it is ironic that he has, too long, existed in a place where he has not had to deal with reality. But reality is still reality, and he is not living in it.}

Regardless, it is not courageous to try to go one’s own way. That is what we would all naturally do: pull away from people, pull away from responsibilities, and run toward self-idolatry and the things and dreams and goals that *we* think would suddenly make us more happy than we currently are.

True strength is shown in those who , through difficulty, submit to the will of God, recognizing the wisdom and harmony that comes from submitting to His greater design.

HOW THIS RELATES TO YOU, MAMA:

Oh, how our culture lies to us! This culture– even sometimes among Christians– says that your child will find the greatest happiness through absolute self-expression and “finding” one’s self, but this is not true.

You’ve gotta get crystal clear about this. 

Your child’s path to true greatness is not going to be through:

  • expressing every possible emotion he/she has.
  • shaking off authority
  • declaring himself to be a blue unicorn, fairy princess, chicken nugget, or the opposite gender.
  • glorifying him/herself through a unique path he/she alone can forge
  • seeking some perfect path of self-expression by which he/she can supposedly be “most true” to himself.

True greatness is found in:

  • learning self-control of emotions and desires,
  • recognizing and submitting to our God-given authorities
  • learning our own human frailty and need for Christ,
  • learning to submit the gifts and talents and body and personality we’re given to the God who knows us best as we steward them for His glory,
  • humble submission to God, recognizing that HE knows what is best for our lives,
  • seeking to honor God the very most according to His precepts and guidelines.

God knows what your child is for. God knows what He made your son for; He knows what He made your daughter for. Trust Him. Teach your child to trust Him (yes, even by our expression as being uniquely male or uniquely female). Teach your child to lean HARD on what God says about him/her, and to have a healthy skepticism about their own feelings. Feelings often mislead, but God leads us to TRUTH.

This is true strength & courage: submitting, with self-discipline, to the beautiful orchestral arrangement of the all-knowing Creator God.

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Tagged culture, design, discipleship, gender, gender roles in marriage, glorify God, God is sovereign, God made us, God SEES, strengths, submission, trust God, womanhood

Five-month-old Luke is crawling now… or at least scooting very purposefully. And with every scoot, we get inches closer to a collision with two-year-old Theo’s self-orientation.

Theo, our funny, introverted, snuggly, more-than-a-little-bit-opinionated boy has had two and a half years’ “reign” on the throne. By that I mean, more often than not, things go his way.

Or he thinks they do.

If he and Luke are riding in the double stroller and the big kids ride their bikes down the opposite way (intending to double back and catch up to us after a bit), he yells out, “Guys, ‘mon!” (Guys, come on!) And then they come. This morning, after I asked Baxter (11 years old) to finish loading the dishes and get the dishwasher started, Theo barked out: “Ba-ter, loading!” And big brother begins loading the dishes. Baxter giggled and we laughed about Theo’s faulty perception that he’s the boss.

It’s coming to an end.

Already Luke is grabbing for Theo’s toys. For now, Theo is mostly willing to go along with these small interruptions, but more are coming… and they won’t be of the variety that will be easy for him to accept. Soon Luke will be knocking down towers Theo has built, messing up lines of cars Theo has laid out, and grabbing parts of Theo’s snack.

And some of you may be thinking, “aw, poor Theo… ”

I’m not.

You might think me an unfeeling mother, but the truth is it is GOOD for Theo to have his self-orientation destroyed. It is GOOD for him to come face-to-face with this reality early in his life. It is GOOD for him to see that I do not exist for him, his daddy does not exist for him, his siblings do not exist for him… that he is merely one creation rather than the centerpiece of all God has made.

His heart is oriented toward himself and his own pleasure.

But it’s not just Theo’s problem. It happens with all of my kids, and with yours, too. It’s my problem… and yours.

All of us need to see: it’s not about me!

The worst things we see in the world around us come from a fierce self-orientation:

  • Kim Jong Il dictates his own worship, killing and subduing the rights of an entire country of people, because of his commitment to his own self-worship.
  • Babies are aborted, at the rate of millions a year, because of a commitment to one’s own pleasure in sexuality, without regard for others (including the life created by that sexual union).
  • A man insists he isn’t really a man, despite the fact that he’s fathered multiple children, married multiple women, and won olympic games as a man, and instead of getting that man help, our culture celebrates it because “he’s being true to himself.” (If that’s not ironic, I don’t know what is! He’s denying what he is and saying he’s something different.)
  • We are now told by our Supreme Court that people should able to marry whomever they wish, because self-expression is a supreme value in our self-oriented culture.
  • Marriages fall apart (unfortunately in the church too) because people are more committed to “loving themselves” and fiercely seeking their own happiness rather than committed to loving another and fiercely seeking their happiness.

Romans 1:21-32 lays out what happens when we turn inward rather than outward:

although they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts were darkened. Claiming to be wise, they became fools, and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images resembling mortal man and birds and animals and creeping things.

Therefore God gave them up in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, to the dishonoring of their bodies among themselves, because they exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever! Amen.

For this reason God gave them up to dishonorable passions. For their women exchanged natural relations for those that are contrary to nature; and the men likewise gave up natural relations with women and were consumed with passion for one another, men committing shameless acts with men and receiving in themselves the due penalty for their error.

And since they did not see fit to acknowledge God, God gave them up to a debased mind to do what ought not to be done. They were filled with all manner of unrighteousness, evil, covetousness, malice. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, maliciousness. They are gossips, slanderers, haters of God, insolent, haughty, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to parents, foolish, faithless, heartless, ruthless. Though they know God’s righteous decree that those who practice such things deserve to die, they not only do them but give approval to those who practice them.

Theo’s self-orientation is really self-worship. And it is a wonderful thing for him to get over it… in all sorts of ways.

I pray that as Theo comes to the reality that he is not on the throne, that he will begin “feeling his way” toward the truth that God:

  • is on the throne of Heaven
  • is to be on the throne of his life
  • is to be worshipped, instead of the creation
  • is the One who gets to tell us what He made us for
  • is the One who draws the boundary markers for our lives, and
  • gives us boundaries for our good and for His glory.

It is so, so GOOD for our children to come to the end of themselves. It is GOOD for them to realize that they are not on the throne, not at the center, and not the one whose desires matter most of all.

It would be good:

  • for Kim Jong Il to stop this self-adulation and free his country
  • for mothers to choose self-control through no sex outside of marriage, or to give life to the babies created from their actions (even if that means those children are given up for adoption… a number of my best friends are adopted and I’m so glad they were given life!)
  • for Bruce Jenner to be at rest with the way God created him and find joy and peace within the confines of where his boundary markers are rather than pretending that he does not have God-given limitations
  • for all of us to learn to love the “others”– races, the two genders each orienting themselves toward “other” rather than “same,” ages, nationalities, socio-economic strata (psst… this is exactly what God means to happen inside of the church)
  • for marriages to endure difficulty, hurt, frustration, and sin.

What a beautiful thing it is when we go outside of ourselves, go beyond what is “same,” and pursue that which is “other”– LOVE that which is “other”– fiercely commit ourselves to pursuing the joy and blessing of the “other.”

It’s a lesson Theo is starting to learn, and I pray he’ll take it to heart and keep reaching outside of himself, outside of things that make him happy, and become a willing, submissive disciple of Christ… placing HIM at the center, rather than self.

Mama, even if your child has no younger siblings to help with this, don’t let your child go through life convinced that they are at the center of the world and on the throne.

It is a GOOD thing when our children learn, “It’s not all about me.”

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Tagged a child left to himself, Kingdom of Self, long-range parenting, mothering, parenting, project-it-forward mothering, self-forgetfulness, selfishness

When faced with the hard things, we often want to avoid them,  and excuse ourselves.

Let’s talk about two places where Paul did the hard, loving thing (toward the Corinthians):

  • 1 Cor 2:1-5 — Power of God v. persuasion through human will

Paul was willing to purposefully forgo the use of his skills and talents in order to fully rely on the power of God. He didn’t want to lean heavily on his own skills of speech and persuasion.

QUESTION FOR US: Where am I tempted to trust in MY strength, talent, and abilities in my mothering, and in our home, rather than in God?

  • 1 Cor 2:1-3a, 2 Cor 2:4 — Paul confronted sin and told the truth when lying/avoiding would be easier.

There are so many times in a mom’s life when it would be so much easier to keep sitting down rather than to firmly deal with sin. Perhaps even more difficult, there are many times when– as a wife– I believe God will use us to confront sin in our husband’s life.

Because he love the Corinthians, Paul told the truth about sin.

QUESTION FOR US: Am I willing to lovingly speak the truth to my family?

Paul did the hard, loving thing, rather than the easier thing. 

Jesus lived out this same principle:

  • took time to explain the parables
  • had compassion for the needy even when He was bone-weary
  • spoke hard truths (rich young ruler, woman at the well)
I DIDN’T WANT TO DO THE HARD, LOVING THING

Recently I had a situation with one of our children. He confronted me, mildly, about the way I’d corrected him. But the method wasn’t to my liking. I pondered his words, and his method, and decided to ask Doug for his thoughts.

Doug’s response?

(eeeeeeeeek, you had to ask didn’t you?)

“Might be a good chance to confess to him, if you feel like you should, and identify with him as a fellow sinner.”

OH MAN! As you might imagine, that was NOT what I was hoping to hear.

I texted back, more-than-somewhat peeved:

“I know you are right. I do not want to do that, though. But I know I should. Ask me later if I did.”

Only a few moments later, (of course! Isn’t that just like God?) that same child walked in to the room alone (which almost never happens in our busy house).

I did what Doug said: I humbled myself and confessed that my tone had been wrong. I asked forgiveness for hurting his feelings. He forgave me, and we had a wonderful talk.

I didn’t want to do it. I didn’t feel like doing it. Until the words came out of my mouth I would have preferred not to say them. But doing that hard thing turned out to be for our GOOD.

The easier thing would have:

  • allowed me to remain prideful
  • maintained my “self-respect”
  • set a bad example
  • put up a *minor* barrier in our relationship

I say minor because that’s really how these things work, isn’t it?

If we’re all really trying to follow Jesus, it’s rare that a major hurt clouds our field of vision. But wowzers, those “minor” flare-ups can, brick by brick, build a barrier in our relationships.

Later, I texted Doug:

Talked with ________. And it was good. Crazy how our pride rises up to try to keep us from doing what is right!

Often, in close relationships, we have the opportunity to do the harder thing or the easier thing. And almost always, the harder thing is the one that is the most long-term beneficial, and the most loving. Paul stands with Jesus as our examples in this.

Today, will you do the hard, loving thing when the opportunity arises?

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Tagged family life, homemaker, love, mothering, relationship

“I have spoken these things to you so that My joy may be in you and your joy may be complete. This is My command: Love one another as I have loved you.” (John 15:11-12)

 Driving down the highway, I voiced my frustrations to the Lord about a friend. I listed out criticisms and hurts, spilling out the entirety of my heart to Him.

Suddenly, a children’s song based on John 15 popped into my head–

“This is my commandment, that you love one another, that your joy may be full.”

 “OK, Lord,” I thought, frustrated at the simultaneous simplicity and difficulty of this directive. The character qualities of true love from 1 Corinthians began turning over, one by one, in my mind, and God reminded me once again:

Love is a choice.

It’s not a feeling; it’s a choice. Contrary to what our feelings-based culture says, love (benevolent kindness) something I can choose to give, or not.

Slowly, I began praying through the 1 Corinthians love list:

  • patience— Lord, help me to have a long fuse and not be easily set off.
  • kindness— Teach me to be gracious and good-willed toward her.
  • not envious— Help me to celebrate her strengths rather than coveting them.
  • not boastful/proud— Keep me from thinking I’m better than her.
  • not rude— Help me to treat her as I want to be treated.
  • not selfish— Increase my desire to meet her needs, rather than dwelling on my own “wants” in our friendship.
  • not provoked— Enable me to endure frustrations and tenaciously choose to love her.
  • not keep record of wrongs— I forgive her right now, Father, for the things I’ve been frustrated about. Help me not store up future things to be bitter about.
  • doesn’t delight in evil/delights in the truth— Help me to share in her joys and never exult in her sorrows or hurts.
  • Enable me to bear all things, to believe the best about her, to hope in You (not in her), and to endure all things, so that You can be exalted in our friendship.

As I prayed for her, and about my attitude toward her, I could feel love being cultivated in my heart.

This has happened before in other relationships too. It can even happen in our marriages, as the fluttery feelings wax and wane. Rather than believing that if it doesn’t come naturally, it can’t come at all, it’s amazing how God really can change our hearts when we choose to love .

In our love-is-a-feeling culture, we are fed the lie that we can “fall” in and out of love, but God’s Word continually commands us to love. He commands it because it is possible.

We can CHOOSE to love.

When we love according to His definition of love, our dependence on people and their performance diminishes, our love for others grows, and we become more like Christ Himself.

LOVE, LOVE ME DO

Recently, the kids and I were driving and a Beatles song came on, bringing with it an all-too-familiar mop-headed oversimplification of love and relationships. I turned down the volume and asked the kiddos, “what is love? How would you describe it to someone who didn’t know what it was?”

We had a great conversation about the misuse of the word, but settled on this definition (borrowing heavily from what I could remember from my former pastor, Brother Nick’s, teachings):

Love is a commitment of the will to continually do good to and for another person, regardless of what they do or don’t do for you.

It’s a hard thing to do… to really love. It’s not a feeling, and it’s not something you fall into as if by magic or chance. It is a chosen commitment to another person’s good. 

Sister in Christ, we are not helpless captives of our feelings!

Though we do not always feel loving toward others, as believers, we can choose to love by kindly acting for the long-term good of the people around us, and praying for God to change our hearts. He is so faithful and can genuinely change our hearts to love at times when it seems impossible. 

If you have a relationship where you are struggling to extend loving actions, or feel loving at all, I challenge you to pray and ask God to begin softening your heart. Pray through the list of 1 Corinthians 13 qualities of love… and begin acting in love toward that person.

Don’t believe the lie that you are a helpless captive to your feelings. Whether in a friendship, family relationship, or marriage, don’t believe the lie that once love is gone, it can not return.

Don’t believe the lie that love is merely a feeling. 

We can choose to love, and God will change us from the inside out!

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Tagged fruit of the Spirit, God is FAITHFUL, God looks at the HEART, love, relationships

I’ve been a Pastor’s wife for three and a half years. The first two of those years, my husband was an administrative pastor, which was a very different thing from the counseling and discipleship pastoral role he has now. It’s not been very long, really, but it’s been long enough to have learned a few things and made a few observations.

Here are 11 things I’ve learned (so far) as a Pastor’s wife:

  1. First, something practical. Every week, no matter how hard you work on Saturday to try to shore up the mess, by the time you get to Sunday night, the house looks like a disaster. A pair of tights here, little boys’ belts and underwear there, hair gel dripping down the bathroom counter, paper plates and random food littering every possible surface… it’s just bad. Dishes are backed up, and how did the laundry pile get so very high? And now, we’re adding to it with all the Sunday laundry! My solution? Don’t have people over on Sunday night. …Or Monday. I need LOTS of grace on Mondays.
  2. You will often know people’s most private and heart-breaking information. Medical information not known to the general church Body. Marriage strain. Who has an ongoing difficulty with whom. Financial struggles. Who’s romantically interested in one another. Legal problems and criminal offenses affecting various families. Having access to other people’s personal information is a serious position of trust and it must be even more closely-guarded than you do with your own information.
  3. And yet you are not to use it against them. It’s been a good reminder for me: God knows about every dark corner of my life– the ones He has cleaned out already, and the ones He is still working on… and yet He lavishes great grace and kindness on me. He offers me encouraging words and tender affection. I, too, need to extend kindness and grace to the imperfect people around me… and all the more when they have entrusted us with the tender and hurting places in their lives.
  4. People often feel like they know you, more than you feel you know them. This is interesting, given the truth in #2 (sometimes you do know quite personal things *about them*), but because people know your husband, they feel like they know you. They may know your kids’ names and ages when you’re still learning theirs. They may assume things about your life or draw (accurate or inaccurate) conclusions from teaching times, counseling sessions, and general interactions with your husband.
  5. People may think you can’t understand their real-life struggles. As if your husband is perfect, because he’s a Pastor. As if your children are perfect, naturally bent toward obedience, never defy you with stubborn hearts, and never wake up at night screaming. As if your marriage hasn’t ever faced real challenges, it’s never been difficult for you to financially give, it’s not hard for you to muster up the energy to attend that event, or as if you’ve never struggled or fallen down in your own fight against sin. The real, stinky, ugly sin. Sinny-sin. As if you can’t relate to their real-world problems and your life exists on a totally different plane. I actually forget this one very often… that people here don’t know me as the former-15-year-old rebel who had to learn to submit to Christ.
  6. We are incredibly blessed in our church family. Many pastors across America struggle financially, experience exorbitant pressure from deacons or other church leaders who act as if they “own” the pastor, are worked to death (to the point where they leave the ministry from burnout), or worse. We have not faced these challenges, and I am grateful we have not. But I wanted to mention it, because it is one thing I’ve learned… our situation is, perhaps, not typical. God has tremendously blessed us by bringing us here to this local church Body.
  7. It can be a challenge to develop and maintain friendships as a Pastor’s wife. The things that affect you or weigh on your mind are often things you can’t share or don’t want to burden a fellow church member with, and yet they are real challenges. The things that are affecting them may be things related to the church, which can be hard to hear when your husband is already giving so much to this Body… to feel like you’re letting down (or your husband is letting down) your friend in some way. This can make for an interesting “dance” as you figure out how to be a friend to women in the local Body and yet not become a default intermediary between women, their husbands, and the rightful authorities God has placed in church leadership.
  8. Other people often expect you to be perfect, or do the right things according to their definitions of what is right, and will be disappointed when you do not meet their expectations (which you often won’t, and can’t). I’ve let people down, especially this last year. Though I can help get someone through a crisis moment, I’m not able to be on call as a personal lifeline in an ongoing way. I’m a wife and home educating mom of seven with a fairly new baby. People may expect to be able to drop by the house and have me give attention and time to something else (I usually can’t). Some people may not like everything that’s written on this blog… and yet, I’m writing about the same sorts of things I always have. I’ve never been one to posture and try to put up a front of perfection… I guess my years as a rebellious youth helped me in that regard– I know I’m not perfect… but it can still be difficult to feel like I’m letting people down
  9. A pastor’s wife needs to be able to be her real, foibly, “messy,” normal, growing self. I’m a maturing disciple of Christ too. I’m a work-in-progress too. I’m the clay pot vessel– easily broken, but shining with the light of the glory of the gospel of Christ. I’m a needy sinner like the other people sitting in the pews behind us. I’m a tired mother, a sometimes-snippy wife, a not-always-reliable friend, and (too often) a lazy housekeeper. I’m an imperfect gal trying to grow in godliness, in keeping my home, in self-control, in purity, in discernment, in service. Our church does a great job not putting pressure on me to “do it all,” and yet I still feel the tug and have to fight against the feeling that I should be perfect or be able to do everything, be involved in every ministry, etc.
  10. Every month, Potluck Sunday is the day when I’m most tempted toward ungodliness. It’s the perfect storm: husband goes to church early… I’ve got 7 kids plus myself to feed and get ready… and OH YEAH, BONUS!! I get to make a meal and carry it to church too. All in the same amount of time I have on a normal Sunday (which never feels like quite enough time, does it?).  And– true story– sometimes I forget that it’s Potluck Sunday until that morning. It’s truly always a blessing to be with our church family (and I mean that genuinely), but Potluck Sundays are a serious reminder for me that I am imperfect and very very apt to fall into frustration, fits of anger, discouragement, lack of self-control, and unloving words toward the people I love most when I’m pressed with more than the load I am accustomed to. Truth be told, God is using Potluck Sundays to change my heart and expose areas of self-reliance, love of comfort, and desire for control that wouldn’t be exposed in other ways, and for that, I thank Him. Even if they are, hands down, the most difficult day of the entire month.
  11. God is faithful. He keeps leading us, as our Good Shepherd, in every stage of life, and He’s still doing it here too. When I get my eyes on me, or on people, I get discouraged… but when I keep my eyes fixed on and my ears tuned to my Shepherd, He is so faithful to lovingly lead us. He cares about me not just as a Pastor’s wife, but as a human soul… His sheep… His chosen one… the pot He has made for the purposes and good works He intended before the foundations of the world. He knows me and loves me and I can trust Him.

IN THE COMMENTS, PLEASE SHARE:

  • Are you a Pastor’s wife? What things have you learned?
  • How does any of this compare to your experiences?

Sign up to receive my monthly newsletter, and I’ll send you my FREE book, ONE THING: Top Tip (From a Mom of 6). In it, you’ll learn the top way I:

  • BEAT the “Mommy Wars”, and
  • HAVE PEACE in my parenting decisions.

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