January 2015 – Jess Connell

“He struck me as a normal person, that was the horrible thing about it. He was cool, objective, matter of fact. ‘This is my war duty. I did my war duty.’ It was like I had to go out and cut down so many trees. So I went out and took my saw and cut the trees down. He was just acting like a normal, unimportant individual.

He simply answered the questions, and as far as I could tell, told what happened without emotion. Without emotion. Without a sense of guilt. Not in the slightest apologetic, not in the remotest degree was he apologetic. In a sense, I think he showed a certain pride in accomplishment.”

– Whitney Harris, member of the prosecuting team at the Nuremberg trials, on Rudolf Höss,Commandant of Auschwitz

Reading this quote immediately transported my thoughts to abortionists, vocally pro-abortion women, and clinic workers who believe they are merely “doing their duty”– without emotion, without a sense of guilt, without apology.

The opening of Auschwitz in Poland happened 70 years ago, this week. The stories that come from that wicked place still horrify and are difficult to take in. I would rejoice if, one day, the horror every decent human being feels about Auschwitz would be matched with the horror they feel about abortion.

Here are 20 WAYS ABORTION in America resembles AUSCHWITZ in Poland:

Humans, deemed less than humans, are being systematically murdered.
The people who live around these killing centers often know what’s happening there, but choose to believe the less insidious reasons. (“It’s a holding place for political criminals.” — “They provide healthcare for disadvantaged women.”)
There is psychological damage for both the living victims, as well as the perpetrators.
The people going into these killing centers are lied to in order to get them there. (Auschwitz: “You are being transferred to a different neighborhood.” Abortion: “It’s just tissue.”)
The human beings who go into these death centers may or may not emerge alive. (More than 1/2 of all human beings who go in to an abortion appointment are killed: 100% of the children who enter are killed, and some of the mothers also emerge dead.)
Those who emerge alive carry with them the memories and sorrows for the rest of their lives.
There is unshakeable guilt associated with the death of human beings. Sometimes it emerges in rap songs, suicide notes, deathbed confessions, TV interviews, or lifelong fear and anxiety. (Christian rap artist LeCrae recently shared about his girlfriend’s abortion, and his continued sorrow from that choice.)
The person who planned the atrocities had a larger, ethnic agenda that the people carrying it out might not have realized they were furthering. (Hitler—> complete extermination/control of Jews, non-caucasians, & other “undesirables” like the mentally disabled; Sanger—> extermination/control of the poor, ethnic minorities, & the mentally disabled).
The people doing the “dirty work” justify it because they believe that the people being killed are less than human and unworthy of life.
In Auschwitz, the interred cried, and their cries were ignored. In abortion clinics across America, babies born alive after failed abortions cry, and their cries are ignored.
In Auschwitz, medical experimentation was normative, and seen as beneficial to society-at-large. In America, medical experimentation and usage of “products of abortion” (a.k.a. murdered human beings) is routine, in order to “benefit” society-at-large.
The exact number of victims is difficult to pin down with absolute certainty.
Perpetrators of the murders in Auschwitz financially profited from the killing (gold teeth), and organizations and individuals financially profit from killing babies.
In Auschwitz, the methods of killing were varied and “progressed” to different forms, in order to lessen the psychological impact on those performing the killings. In America, the methods of killing vary, and even still, when abortion clinic workers actually see the results, many defect and turn away from supporting abortion.
In Auschwitz, the final and best “method” of killing was in a sealed-off chamber so that no one had to watch or know what was happening inside. In America, the methods of killing are in a sealed-off womb so that no one has to watch or know what is happening inside. (Yet in both instances, after the fact, body parts of those murdered must be dealt with.)
Shocking stories come out of these hidden killing centers. (Auschwitz, Abortion, Gosnell’s clinic) And the images will turn your stomach (Auschwitz, abortion).
There was a concerted effort to keep people from knowing what was happening in Auschwitz, and there is a concerted effort to keep pregnant women from knowing the full truth about the children in their womb. Even when state laws are passed requiring a mom to receive full information about the development of her child, abortion clinics deliver this information with the caution “you don’t have to read this”– or if it’s an ultrasound, “you don’t have to look at the screen.” It is horrifyingly ironic, that a 21st century feminist would encourage lack of information regarding such an important life decision.
When people learned what was happening, many everyday Germans still displayed a willful choice of disbelief about the horrible reality. When people see the results of abortion, and learn the truth about fetal development, there is often a willful choice of disbelief. Even today, many pro-choice advocates refuse to believe a baby is anything more than “tissue,” even when presented with ultrasounds, pictures, and evidence to the contrary.
Anyone who tried to keep a Jew from being taken into custody was seen by Nazis as public enemy #1, subject to fines, social hatred, and even being attacked or killed. Anyone who (even silently) protests, offers abortion counseling, or seeks protection and care for not-yet-aborted American babies is often seen by feminists as public enemy #1, subject to fines, court action, social hatred, and even violent retribution. (Consider Randy Alcorn’s story.)
The people being killed at Auschwitz had no voice, and had to rely on others for any hope to live. The people being killed in abortion clinics have no voice, and have to rely on others for any hope to live.

I can think of one specific way that these two things are different:

In Auschwitz, an estimated 1.1 million people were killed, in about 4 years’ time.
In America, roughly that many are killed EACH year.

Roughly 54.5 MILLION Americans have been killed by abortion since legalization in 1973.

WILL YOU BE A VOICE FOR THE VOICELESS?

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Tagged a person’s a person no matter how small, abortion, fetal development, right to life

Have you ever walked through a beautiful garden?

The forethought and planning is self-evident. Plants have been put in certain places because of factors like sunshine, soil drainage, water, and access. From the first week on earth, when Adam was placed in the garden, humans have known that a garden needs planning and CARE in order to be beautiful, productive, and beneficial.

It would be absurd to look at an amazing garden and think it all just grew accidentally.

It’s the same with sex.

Like a lovely garden, a good, healthy marital sex life:

does not just “happen”
is not accidental
doesn’t just get gifted to us from God above, on our wedding day,
is not a matter of chance or chemistry
doesn’t continue effortlessly
is not a success or failure based merely on hormones

No… I believe virtually ANY marriage can grow in this area, if we are willing to tend it as we would carefully tend a garden.

CONSIDER:

ANY plant, even the most beautiful and robust, will die if left without water and sun.
Even the most mundane plant can grow stronger and more beautiful if planted and tended according to its growth patterns and needs.

HOW MUCH FORETHOUGHT YOU GIVE TO SEX?

It may sound boring… or perhaps, to you, it sounds sinful… but let me ask:

Do you THINK about your intimacy with your husband?
Have you made sex a PRIORITY in your heart, life, energy, and schedule?

In the same way a garden requires regular attention, intimacy in our marriages also require care.

Have “weeds” been allowed to grow and overtake the health of your sexual relationship?
Are you focusing on other things and forgetting to “fertilize” and “water” this part of your relationship?
Has your sexual relationship grown in unhealthy ways that will, over time, weaken it? (i.e., are you letting in perverted, demeaning practices that the world calls “good?”)
Are aspects of your marital intimacy no longer serving your needs and desires as a couple?

Let me ask you again:

Is sex a PRIORITY, or an AFTERTHOUGHT, in your marriage?

Here are some things to consider:

Are you both satisfied and content with the frequency of intimacy?
Do you still faithfully delight in each other, alone?
Has this area taken the back burner to other things in life (work, kids, stress, sleep)?
Is this an area you need to joyfully, purposefully reclaim?

IN REGARD TO TIMING:

Do you need to “schedule” sex, for a time, to get back in a healthier regularity of sex? — though this can seem boring or “unsexy,” we don’t think it’s boring to attend church every Sunday at 10:30AM, or to attend our teen’s extracurricular event every Thursday at 7PM. Sometimes scheduling can keep us on-track with things that are important to us.
Do you need to set a mental “reminder” so that you don’t let it go beyond X number of days before you hug and kiss him, and let him know you desire him?
Do you need to talk about this? Sometimes, just like with planting a garden, you need to assess how things are working. It can feel awkward, but seriously… this is a “WORTH-IT” topic to discuss with your husband: “What do we need to do differently this year?” “Is there something we could do differently that would help us connect more regularly?” “Have we let bitterness grow in our relationship?” “Have we grown selfish in ways that are affecting our sexual interactions?”)
Consider different times of day. Would 5:30AM be better for you both during this season? Would Saturday and Sunday afternoons, while the little ones nap, be a better time for you both? Look at your lives realistically and see where you could make time for one another.
Do the kids need an earlier bedtime? Too many parents use kids as an excuse to not connect. Guess what? Before the age of lightbulbs and cell phones, most people were probably in bed not long after dark… especially children. It is OKAY to put them to bed at 8, 8:30 (yes even at older ages) so that you can connect intimately with the love of your life.

IN REGARD TO DESIRE:

Do you need to talk to a doctor? Does your husband? Can you lovingly appeal to him, for the good of your relationship, to seek medical input on this? Sometimes there are legitimate physical or hormonal issues happening that are WORTH seeing a doctor about. This is nothing shameful… as with migraines or diabetes, there may be medical solutions available to you.
It’s like exercise… just starting it can help you be more “into” it than you were before you began.
Perhaps, if you struggle with low desire, you need to choose to revel in the fact that your husband desires ONLY YOU. (This recent segment of “Ask Pastor John” is an excellent 8-minutes on this topic.)

IN REGARD TO APPEARANCE:

Do you work to be tidy, healthy, and attractive to your husband? Though I certainly understand mommy exhaustion, we also should desire to bless and delight our husbands. One way we can do that is by intentionally caring for our physical appearance in ways that they like and find attractive.
Are you carrying baggage and shame about your body? Do you need to reassess your body in light of what God says about how He made you, rather than the unrealistic images the world pushes in front of your eyes?
Do you let your husband SEE you, or is it always “lights out?” Your husband married YOU, and wanted YOU. Rejoice in that! Your body is his. Even with dimmed lights, or a candlelit room, let your husband see and delight in your body.

Please share in the comments:

Do you have other thoughts or questions?
Suggestions for other ways to bless our husbands in this area?

Let’s keep growing as wives, “tend” to our sexual relationship with our husbands… and purposefully LOVE them!

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Tagged intimacy, marriage, sex, wife

Kids can easily lead us into stress, frustration, and worry, as Christian women, but those aren’t biblical solutions for how to deal with motherhood.

This is the nitty-gritty of being a mom, and I really believe we can take those thoughts captive and refuse to take on anxiety, fear, worry, and a grumbling attitude. We can actively choose to trust God with what we feel like being angry or worried about.

Philippians 2:14 tells us:

"do ALL things without grumbling & complaining."

Yes, I actually DO think it’s possible for Christian moms to not complain about their children. I’m not saying that imperfect humans will live up to that standard non-stop, but it ought to be our aim as believers.

We really can choose to see our hardships and challenges through the lens of Scripture and not ignore them, but not magnify and focus on them either. We can see them as tools in the hands of God to grow/mature/sanctify us, and be grateful even for the hard things.

I know that sounds all big and philosophical, but the truth is that this is the nuts-and-bolts of Christian motherhood… what we think about and what we say.

AM I COMPLAINING ABOUT MY KIDS or ABOUT GOD?

Some people might say, well, that verse is not really talking about “complaining” like talking to your friend about your kids… it’s talking about complaining about or criticizing God.

To me, those two things are two sides of the same coin. Complaining in general (putting it out there for the ears of anyone around) actually is complaining against God. When we gripe, without trusting God that He will help us rightly address and/or live with the issue that’s bugging us, and without actively participating with God to realign our attitude and perspective toward the one He has, that’s sinful complaining.

SEARCHING FOR WISDOM/WORKING OUT FAITH

I do think, when we address our complaints toward the people who can actually help us deal with them– toward God, toward a husband/parent/close friend that can be a truly helpful sounding board for us, directing us toward the right sort of ways to handle/address the issue– I don’t think that’s sinful.

That’s actually, I believe, part of working out our faith, where we are searching for wisdom and attempting to figuring out:

What is the real issue here?
Has something been done poorly?
How does the Bible say I should address it?
Is there something I can do differently?

But complaining about our kids to the lady down the road, just to get a little “closer” in relationship or have a laugh over the garage sale table, is actually (in my mind) not a good thing. Depending on the words/context, it could be (and probably is) sin. Whatever the case, it’s certainly not filtering our words & thoughts & attitudes through Philippians 4:8.

Talking to our husband about a frustration with our oldest child, or an attitude issue we see cropping up in the 5 year old, though, seems perfectly right. Then, we are talking through the issue with someone who can actually help us properly frame and address it.

Context matters.

But for most complaints about children that I hear, these things aren’t legitimate efforts to try to deal rightly with parenting issues, or to get biblical feedback on how to handle x, y, or z. MOST complaints about children boil down to complaining and basic old discontentment in one’s situation.

Most times when moms complain about their kids, they’re doing what they’d call “letting off steam,” “fuming,” “just being real”– which really amounts to, discontentedly complaining about life in some form.

Which, in my mind at least, brings us back to sin.

NOTE: THIS DOES NOT = LYING/PRETENDING

Choosing not to complain does not mean that you pretend to live in a fantasy land, where nothing ever goes wrong. Rather, as believers, I’m proposing that we see it this way:

We all live in a land full of sorrow, hurts, disappointment, discouragement, and unexpected challenges. No one lives in a fantasy land without disobedient children, ER visits, unexpected diagnoses, and serious challenges of all stripes.

But each of us can CHOOSE:

to be a woman who complains about the hurts and disappointments, focusing on our great hurts and disappointments, rather than our great God, OR
to be a woman who trusts God THROUGH the hurts and disappointments, and blesses His name right in the midst of them…

And I think our “little” complaints to the grocery store clerk, or to another parent in the bleachers, can do either one of those things… either point to our God and how very great He is, or point to our crummy circumstances and how very hurt we are. The focus is different. The outcome of the comments is different.

WHICH WOMAN WILL YOU CHOOSE TO BE, TODAY?
WHICH WORDS WILL YOU SPEAK, TODAY?

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Tagged motherhood

It’s an oft-spoken observation about marriage and family: it is easy for us to act the most hurtful toward the people we claim to love most.

Can I challenge you today to be purposeful about the words you speak to your husband?

#1- STOP USING WORDS THAT BITE & DEVOUR HIM

Galatians 5:13-16 challenges us all:

“through love serve one another. For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” But if you bite and devour one another, watch out that you are not consumed by one another… walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.”

Unless we work to do otherwise, we will “bite and devour” our husbands with our words.

Our human tendency is:

to tear down
to criticize
to complain
to attack
to critique his every move
to focus on the one thing that’s wrong, rather than all the things that go right

These are the things that easily escape our lips.

In our flesh, we will not find it difficult to grumble, grump, gripe, grouse, groan, and grouch. But these are the things that, Scripture warns us, will cause us to “consume” one another.

We can look around our culture and find more than ample evidence of this. Marriages crumble, business partners separate, churches split, and families fall apart, over words. We need to pay attention, or else WE will be the ones to consume one another, and end up with a broken, wounded, or ended marriage.

#2- USE WORDS THAT BUILD HIM UP

“Encourage one another and build one another up.” ~1 Thessalonians 5:12

My husband Doug has been so good about this, over the course of our marriage… he is a wonderful encourager. When I feel fat or hugely pregnant, he praises and embraces my curves. When I feel like a tired, terrible mama, he gives me specific encouragements, and also helps me consider if there are things I need to do differently.

He lately has referred back to an idea he read in Letters to Philip (a book about being ready for marriage as a young man that we’ve been reading with our oldest son), regarding positivity:

"If you like it, say so!"

It’s such a simple principle, but it’s true. And, unlike the negative things that pour out so easily, these are all too often the things we find it MOST DIFFICULT to say.

The longer we’re married, too often, we become more likely to hold back things like:

praise
encouragement
kind words
affectionate names

We have it backwards!

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Tagged arguments, conversation, encourage one another, marriage, wife, words

The holidays are over. The “magic” is gone, but the mess, exhaustion, and daily needs remain, don’t they? Are you feeling overwhelmed?

In our house:

Recently-bought games & books need a “home,” but our shelves are overflowing.
Luke is due in 2.5 weeks. My pregnancy wardrobe is slung here, there, and everywhere, because everything is too tight and/or makes me look like an overinflated hippopotamus. Meanwhile, I need to find my “I feel fat and nothing fits right” postpartum wardrobe.
The kids are still homeschooling daily… so, there’s that.
I’m not sure I want to do a water birth… kind of eked out and concerned about that whole notion. Probably won’t decide til the last minute. But I need to air up the birthing tub soon to check for leaks, so it’ll be an option.
My sewing/mending pile is as big as a suitcase and Silas (our 6 year old) especially wants the holes fixed on his Ironman dress-up outfit, but I want to finish my master bedroom curtains project before, ya know, giving birth and never having a free minute to sew again, ever.
I made a 10-day meal plan (with 3 meals every day!) the last time I went shopping. It was a beautiful, ultra-tasty plan. I think I prepared 3 of the 30 meals on the day they were listed. This week, I’m just winging it.

(and I pared this list down by half, cause, ain’t nobody got time to read that long of list.)

Sometimes life as a mom overwhelms us. I’m pretty sure it’s universal.

Here are 5 things to do when you’re overwhelmed:

#1 – STOP STRIVING IN YOUR OWN STRENGTH

Perhaps it’s true for you too?

The more I try to do it in my own strength, the more angry & stressed I become.

But the more I walk in His strength rather than my own, constraining myself to follow HIS ways, the more peace, joy, and DELIGHT I have in daily life (even with growing demands and responsibilities).

It is so easy to go through life as a mom, depending on our own muscles, wit, and might, rather than walking in God’s ways and wisdom, to get us through the tight spaces of life.

But God:

calls me to pray, with faith in HIM (not me!).
means for me to lean on Him.
means for me to do all things through Christ, not on my own.

And He means the same for you.

#2- EMBRACE THE CHAOS

Our natural tendency is to try to control things until they conform to the way we want them to be. And if things don’t go the way we’d like, then we want to run from them.

But something wonderful happens when, instead of controlling or running away, we EMBRACE the chaos.

Life homeschooling a large, growing family is chaotic.
Life with two preschoolers felt chaotic & overwhelming too.
And then when I think back, life with one tiny little world-shaking newborn was overwhelming and stressful, too.

Life as a mom inevitably includes some chaos. The problem is:

We try to control it, when we were never meant to be the ones in control. Or, we try to run from it, when “it” is what God has clearly put on our plates.

God has things under control. He has kept this world spinning for thousands of years. He created the children you love.

He doesn’t need your “help” at the control panel.

And He doesn’t need mine.

When I try to “help” control things, I get stressed and things get worse. When I try to run away, things get worse. Instead, when I lean into the chaos that exists, and embrace the life God has given me, there is peace, even amidst the craziness.

#3- JUST DO THE NEXT THING.

You know what?

When I churn in anxiety, stewing over all that I have to do, I get less done.
When I stop gawking at the heavy load and just jump in and do what needs doing, I get more done.

God hasn’t made a mistake in giving me “just” 24 hours today. It won’t be a mistake if I get to the end of this day and haven’t done everything on “MY” list. It won’t be a mistake if some things on my list NEVER get done.

When I’m walking in His Spirit, and doing all I can do, I don’t have to fret and churn over what didn’t get done.

He knows that I’m weak.
He knows I’m made of dust.
He knows that things overwhelm me.
He knows all that is on my plate.
He doesn’t expect perfection.
He already knows exactly what I will (and won’t) get done today.

I don’t need to churn or feel as if the world is on my shoulders. I just need to do the next thing.

#4- CHOOSE TO REPENT (TURN FROM SIN)

Now, perhaps you don’t need to repent of anything. But oftentimes,

Feeling overwhelmed leads us into sinful interactions with the people we love most.

Last week, I pridefully wanted to justify a sarcastic response I’d thrown out at my 12-year-old. I had to force myself to go back to him, confess my sin, & seek forgiveness. It wasn’t easy. My proud heart would have rather kept quiet.

It’s hard to ask forgiveness. And It’s easy to get into ugly ruts. And we especially want to justify it when we’re stressed and overwhelmed.

But we can’t let ourselves be stagnant and stop repenting! As our kids grow, and as our responsibilities grow, these things grow too:

More confession of sin (to our children & the Lord) & asking for forgiveness.
More REPENTANCE– actually TURNING from sin, not just apologizing
More intentionality in how we deal with their sin & poor choices (rather than reacting or simply “trying a discipline idea I read about in an article”)
More interaction with our husbands, more regularly, about appetites & attitudes we see rising in our children.
More fighting selfishness in our own hearts, as we see it (*my* time, *my* rights, *my* peace and quiet, *my* rest time, *MY* evening times with my husband without kids awake, etc.)

As our kids grow, the work gets easier in some ways and harder in others. But the need for repentance never stops.

#5- LOOK TO GOD– HE WILL GIVE YOU ALL YOU NEED.

Some days I don’t feel “up” to the task. But HE is up to the task. He gives me what I need and keeps me perpetually dependent on Him.

I wasn’t “capable” of mothering and homeschooling these six kids ten years ago, when I had a toddler and a baby. No… God gives us grace sufficient to the need, at the time that we need it.

Through

His precious Word,
trials,
books,
insight,
conversations,
experience,
and every moment between then and now,

He has formed and shaped me over the last decade, to give me what I need, and make me who I need to be, for THIS season.

And he’ll do the same for you.

God’s grace is sufficient for you, today.
Two months from now, He’ll still offer the grace you need.
And ten years from now, He’ll still be offering you the grace you need.

Don’t borrow trouble from tomorrow; and don’t bring yesterday’s troubles up and replay them in your mind. Let His grace be sufficient for today.

ARE YOU FEELING OVERWHELMED?
WHAT CAN YOU DO DIFFERENTLY TODAY?

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Tagged anxiety & worry, confession, Do the Next Thing, exhaustion, God is FAITHFUL, God SEES, mom, motherhood, overwhelmed, parenting, repentance, sin, stress

Do the Next Thing

From an old English parsonage down by the sea There came in the twilight a message for me; Its quaint Saxon legend, deeply engraven, Hath, as it seems to me, teaching from Heaven. And on through the hours the quiet words ring,

Like a low inspiration: DO THE NEXT THING.

Many a questioning, many a fear, Many a doubt, hath its quieting here. Moment by moment let down from Heaven, Time, opportunity, guidance, are given.

Fear not tomorrows, Child of the King,

Trust them with Jesus. DO THE NEXT THING.

Do it immediately; do it with prayer; Do it reliantly, casting all care; Do it with reverence, tracing His hand Who placed it before thee with earnest command, Stayed on Omnipotence, safe ‘neath His wing,

Leave all resultings. DO THE NEXT THING.

Looking to Jesus, ever serener, (Working or suffering) be thy demeanor. In His dear presence, the rest of His calm, The light of His countenance be thy psalm.

Strong in His faithfulness, praise and sing!
Then, as He beckons thee, DO THE NEXT THING.

(source unknown)

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Tagged busyness of life, Do the Next Thing, God is sovereign, trust God

Freestyle Friday is my new way of sharing random bits, in smaller portions, rather than in full-length articles. I’m trying this for a season, as a way to connect with YOU.

So let’s go- here’s Freestyle Friday #2.

Today I’m taking the opportunity to interact with a few of the survey responses:

First of all: You guys are AWESOME & I have the BEST readers! I am so thankful to have sent out the survey… I thought I would only get back helpful “data” to give insight & direction about you guys, but instead, you guys gave me great ENCOURAGEMENT, as well as great specifics about your needs and how I can better serve you with the articles I write here. The encouragement, direction, and feedback you guys offered is going a long way to help Doug & I prayerfully evaluate my writing pursuits.
Reader comment #1- “Daily bible reading is a struggle for me.” And truthfully? it is for me, too. This year I’m doing something I haven’t done in probably close to a decade– read through the Bible in a year. Doug, our oldest son Ethan, and I, are doing an plan together where we read (roughly) 4 chapters a day. Ethan & I have done some of the days together, and sometimes he and Doug wake up early and do them together. I got behind this last week, and I’m listening through the portions I missed with my audioBible. But it’s really been special to have them as co-journeyers in this pursuit of Bible reading. Here’s what I would say to encourage you: As a mom, some years are tougher than others. Keep digging in; Keep going! Whether you click through Scripture at a quick pace (which brings its own blessings of big-picture insights), use an audioBible to listen to while you fold laundry, or simply keep an open Bible on your kitchen counter and meditate on a verse at a time, keep pursuing the treasure of God’s Word. I am finding such rich insights and encouragement from God’s Word, and want to encourage you to press on! Like the need for food & sustenance, even if you don’t have time for sit-down meals, you still need to work to find ways to keep yourself nourished & hydrated in the Word. Seek RICH MEAT & don’t try to sustain your faith on “fluff.”
Reader comment #2- (related to #1)- “What I generally struggle with is learning how to integrate spiritual disciplines into my personal life with little ones around.” Well, I think we all do! Here are some quick ideas: (1) Turn on an audioBible & worship music while the kids play at your feet. (2) Bible open on the counter– while you’re following a recipe, read a verse and let it challenge/encourage you. (3) Write verses ALL AROUND YOUR HOUSE. Seriously. Here are some ways I’ve done it– Taped-up notecards, dry erase boards, paintings, fruit of the spirit printed in fun fonts stapled to the ceiling over my bed to remind me 2x of a day of what God means to produce in me, verses done in embroidery, scraps of paper on my bathroom mirror. REMIND YOURSELF of God’s Word all the time!!! (4) Listen to sermons from SOLID pastors (Matt Chandler, Tim Keller, John Piper, and John MacArthur are some of my current favorites) while you do other activities.
Reader comment #3- “I would love to read more marriage articles. I have been married only 2 years and struggle learning how to love my husband, manage conflict well, and take care of my children and home all at the same time. Both my parents have been divorced multiple times, but I long more than anything to have a God glorifying marriage.” This comment thrills me! This is a major aim for me in my writing here– to point younger women in the direction of a God-honoring, truly JOY-FILLED marriage. Here are all the articles I’ve written for wives. My (rough) plan for this year is that almost all of my Wednesday articles will be on the topic of marriage. So be sure to come by on Wednesdays, and jump in to the comments & add your thoughts, questions, and insights!

Thank you all, again, for your awesome feedback! I have LOVED reading through your responses. Hearing from you greatly helps me as I decide where to focus my writing time.

If you haven’t taken the survey, CLICK HERE to offer your feedback and thoughts.

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Tagged Bible study, Freestyle Friday, marriage

Have you ever considered: what or who is the primary earthly source of encouragement in your husband’s life?

There are really only 4 options:

Your husband’s primary source of encouragement is someone/something else, and he/she/it is not very encouraging. (Meaning: Your husband has little-to-no regular encouragement in his life.)
Your husband’s primary source of encouragement is someone/something else, and he/she/it is encouraging or very encouraging. (Meaning: Your husband gets great encouragement from someone/something other than you.)
Your husband’s primary source of encouragement is you, and you are not very encouraging. (Meaning: Your husband has little-to-no regular encouragement in his life.)
Your husband’s primary source of encouragement is you, and you are encouraging or very encouraging to him. (Meaning: Your husband gets great encouragement from you.)

Did you notice that:

Two of those options leave your husband under-encouraged or unencouraged?
One of them fuels and is likely to move your husband toward someone or something other than you?
And only ONE blesses him AND fuels your marriage relationship?

With those options in mind, let me share 3 ways you can encourage your husband. This is not an exhaustive list, but hopefully it will get ideas and motivation flowing for you to be your husband’s primary earthly encourager:

#1- Encourage him spiritually.

Acknowledge his efforts in this area with kind words, whether relatively “small” or large. (i.e., “Thank you for praying with Sam before bed tonight.” “I appreciate the way you always make Sunday morning a priority.”)
Make it possible, as much as it is in your power as his “helper,” for him to have time, energy, and freedom to pursue spiritual growth. This includes making it possible and pleasant for him to lead your family to participate in events with your church.
Support his efforts— for example, help the kids to listen to him respectfully while he reads/teaches about the Bible. Seek out books/materials that may be a help to him as he leads your family. Remind your children of the verse he talked about in the car on the way home from church last Sunday.
Speak positively to him and others about his efforts in this area. (i.e., “Tim was telling the children about Moses the other night…” rather than, “The kids were crawling all over the place and it felt as if he’d never stop talking!”)
Let your words be characterized by biblical wisdom. The way you speak has more influence than you realize, and it is in your power to dramatically soften, sharpen, and shape this man over many decades, if God allows it. (“She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.” Prov. 31:26)

#2- Encourage him physically.

Verbally affirm the things you like about him. “I love waking up to your blue eyes.” “You look really sharp in that shirt!” If you don’t tell him he’s handsome, WHO WILL? (And the answer to that is: either NO ONE will… or someone else WILL. Either way? Not good.)
Reach out and touch him. Many (not all, but many) men would list “physical touch” as a top way they desire to both give & receive love. Don’t let your day become so hurried that you fail to connect physically. Something like a quick shoulder rub or squeeze to the knee can be a simple way to give physical encouragement to your man.
Care for his physical body. If he’s overweight and discouraged, cook healthier foods & help him stick to his goals. If he’s perpetually exhausted from working two jobs, see to it that he gets a nap on that rare free Sunday afternoon. Be the helper he needs.
Kiss him! Be affectionate!!! Pursue the husband of your youth! Let him know that you desire him, and he is still your one and only!

#3- Encourage him professionally.

One of the things that sometimes baffles women is the way men’s self-worth is often tied to their profession. God gave work to the man from the garden of Eden, before the Fall, and it was part of what God called “good.” Men derive a great amount of identity, purpose, and joy from this means God has given them to provide for themselves and the people they love.

Help him be prepared. This may look like assisting him with his work, supporting him as he goes through trainings or undertakes special projects, or doing trial-run “interviews” before he goes on a job search. Consider your husband’s responsibilities and how you can assist him to be as well-prepared as possible, and then do it!
Encourage him in his strengths. Does he have a great ability to connect with people? Run numbers and analyze information in a way that is unique among his peers? Manage multiple projects and stay cool, calm, and collected? Pay attention to what HIS strengths are, and verbally encourage him in those things.
Assist him in his weaknesses. Does he get sidetracked easily? Forget appointments? Get flustered in meetings? Be the sounding board and assistant he needs! Perhaps you can read about ways to beat anxiety, and share some of them with him before his next team meeting, or you can create a google calendar with alarms that message YOU so you can help him remember his appointments. We all have weaknesses– so inevitably, our husbands do too! But rather than being something to roll our eyes about, this can be a way we can serve and help our husbands.

There are certainly many other ways we can encourage our husbands, but I believe if we all found a couple of things on this list and purposefully worked on them, it would lead to growth and greater joy in our marriages.

IN THE COMMENTS, SHARE:

Which of these areas stands out to you as a way you can grow as your husband’s encourager?
In what ways do you encourage your husband that seem to work the best?

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BEAT the “Mommy Wars”, and
HAVE PEACE in my parenting decisions.

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Tagged be his helper, encouragement, marriage, wife, words

Have you seen the images on Facebook, trumpeting the amazing, lifelong, unbreakable bond between mothers and sons?

Here are some quotes I’ve seen on these photos:

“There has never been, nor will there ever be, anything quite so special as the love between a mother and son.”
“The bond between mother and son… remains unchanged by time or distance”
“My son is a promise that I will have a friend forever!”
“There is nothing stronger than the love between a mother & son.”
“I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, As long as I’m living my baby you’ll be.“

Christian mom, have you ever thought (when you read these things) that you’re being lied to, and that your emotions are being preyed upon?

Now, there’s a piece of truth in each, of course.

I’m not some unfeeling monster here trying to say there’s nothing unique and beautiful about the mother-son relationship.

The love between mothers and sons is amazing! Wonderful! Beginning in the womb, and then at the breast, moms are the first to capture their sons’ hearts. We hold their hands while they learn to walk, and wrap them tight when they cry as they skin their knees and learn hard lessons of preadolescence. They come to us with giggles and snuggles and compliments.

Sons are a wonderful gift!

But, the next time you see one of these pictures with a heart-grabbing quote telling you how nothing will ever change and how your son will always be your sweet little baby boy, ask yourself if it is actually true in light of the very first few verses that tell us about the first family, and God’s plans for the world.

DARE TO ASK: IS IT REALLY, BIBLICALLY TRUE?

In Genesis 2:24, He laid out the end game for mothers and sons:

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”

The truth is this:

A Facebook image with an infant’s chubby hand wrapped tightly around his mom’s finger is not the complete story, and we would be fools to expect that it will stay that way.

As Christian women, we need to reckon with the biblical truth that from the beginning of their lives, the whole plan– the DESIGN– is for our sons to LEAVE.

“NOTHING STRONGER?”

Not only will they leave, but should they marry, they will hold fast to their wife, and become ONE with her.

That is definitely more intimate, more special, and stronger, than the still-special, still-strong, but not-the-same love he shares with his mom.

It is a lie that the bond between a mother and son remains unchanged for all of time. And it is a lie that there is no stronger bond.

Frankly, even without a wife, my son’s bond and love for Christ ought to be higher and better than his love for me.

PERSONALIZING THIS TRUTH

There are higher loves we should pray that our sons experience than the one they share with us. It does not diminish the fact that we share a wonderful loving relationship with our sons, but it ought to encourage us to be honest in our expectations of what’s coming in our relationship.

I’m the mom of 5-going-on-6 boys. I can’t *TELL* you how much I love them, and how excited I am to meet our sixth son, Luke, in just a few weeks. I LOVE being a mom of many boys!! (I love our eight-year-old daughter like crazy too, but this post is all about boys…) Our sons have been a great delight of my heart, and I am so thankful for the times God has given me to share with them!

But I believe this truth about moms & sons is often overlooked.

And honestly?

I don’t want to live in a fantasy land, and set myself up for depression or bitterness when each of our sons does exactly what God built him to do: leave our home, in the pursuit of greater loves (with his God and with his wife).

Sadly, I think too many women:

hold unmet expectations of affection, deep relationship, and neediness that they’re still wanting their adult sons to meet, and
place guilt and pressure on sons who they never really expected would leave.

SO… WHAT?

With that in mind, I think this means 4 things for us as Christian mothers of sons:

1- WE LOVE OUR SONS DEEPLY

Of course, we love deeply!

But if we live with the awareness of points 2 & 3, our selfish tendency might be to hold ourselves back– to protect ourselves from pain. As moms, though God has designed us to love DEEPLY.

2- WE DON’T TRY TO KEEP THEM AS OUR LITTLE BOYS

We are raising future HUSBANDS, future FATHERS, future LEADERS of our world. When we take the “always my little boy” approach, it stunts their growth and it sets us up for future sorrow:

either because they will become a man and break our hearts by leaving because we had faulty expectations
or because they stay a little boy and break our hearts by never leaving and maturing into manhood, like many of the modern unemployed “adultescents” who still live at home, playing video games.

It is neither biblical nor wise to treat our sons as perpetual boys. Doing so ruins their trajectory, and hurts the hearts of everyone involved.

3- WE RAISE THEM TO BE MEN

We would be foolish to coddle them or protect them from the realities of life.

We don’t shy away from topics they will encounter as men. Instead, we PURPOSEFULLY pour in as much wisdom as we can *before* they leave, recognizing that we only have a limited time to do so.

We teach them to respect women, no matter what they’re wearing or how they’re acting.
And though none of us really *wants* to talk about porn with our sons, we do it. Like Solomon, we talk about the real danger of the seductive woman & why it’s foolish to fall into her traps.
We talk about business ethics, hard choices, avoiding get-rich-quick schemes, and the value of honest, hard work.
We talk about the lure of drunkenness and the inevitable foolishness that comes when you give in.

4- WE RAISE THEM WITH THE GOAL OF LEAVING

When they are young, they should hear often of their future as husbands, fathers, and hard-working men. In addition to plenty of time working alongside dad (in his job, or in the yard, or as he goes to help another family move, etc.), they should spend time around honorable, hard-working, honest men.

Our sons should be raised with an understanding of their purpose– where they fit in the world, and how they will grow into manhood.

We don’t hold them back from opportunities to risk, learn, grow, try, and stretch their legs… even when those things will take them farther from us. If they are ready and mature enough to try, we should let them.

Even though it means that they are moving *AWAY* from us.

We “train them in the way they should go”– according to their “bent”… looking at how God has made them, and helping them to identify how they might glorify God, and provide for a future family, with the talents, skills, and gifts God has given them.

IN THE COMMENTS, PLEASE SHARE:

How does this approach compare/contrast with the ideas you’ve heard from culture (even from other Christians)?
Have you had sons leave home? How did that process look for you? Are there things you did (or feel you could have done differently) to prepare for their departure?

Sign up to receive my monthly newsletter, and I’ll send you my FREE book, ONE THING: Top Tip (From a Mom of 6). In it, you’ll learn the top way I:

BEAT the “Mommy Wars”, and
HAVE PEACE in my parenting decisions.

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Tagged adult children, childrearing, mom, motherhood, mothering, raising sons

So today, I’m starting something new. In my Freestyle Friday posts, I’m going to, in bullet-form, freely share things on my mind & going on in my real life. It may be short, it may be long, and some Fridays, it may be entirely non-existent.

Some readers observed (via the comments of the recent survey– CLICK HERE to take the survey, if you haven’t already) that I don’t share as many personal things here as I did on my old blog, and I think that’s a fair and accurate observation. There are many reasons why I think that is. But for now I’ll just say that I, too, have missed the freedom of sharing life freely with readers.

So… that brings us to our first Freestyle Friday.

Let’s jump in. This one’s going to be full of my favorite things that happened in 2014.

We moved to Washington state. AND WE LOVE IT. We love our church. My husband is flourishing as an Associate Pastor, growing as a counselor, and exercising his gifts in one-on-one discipleship relationships with young men in the church. We host a weekly home fellowship, too, which has been a joy. We love it!
After 20 years of having one “home church” in Texas, I have been pleasantly surprised at the way God has quickly knit our hearts together with the church Body here. I guess I thought the sort of depth of loving relationships we enjoyed in Texas could only happen over such a long period of knowing… but it’s happening here. Beach camp, weekly dinners with one family in the church, a church camping week, living with two different families for 5-6 weeks each (while we waited for our house to close), a weekly home fellowship, and more, have connected us quickly and deeply with these people. We LOVE our church! Wait. I said that on my first bullet point. Well, here it is on the second one, too. WE LOVE OUR CHURCH FAMILY.
God has given us a neat couple to serve alongside here. Our Senior Pastor is an excellent Bible teacher & preacher, and his wife is a fun & godly lady who I actually first connected with, years ago, BECAUSE of blogging. Crazy, huh? They are roughly our same age and have 5 kids 7 and under… which makes it fun for our kids and theirs, to have built-in playmates at church events and times when we get together as “the entire pastoral staff and their families.” (There are just the two pastors, so we all jokingly refer to “the entire pastoral staff.”) They truly are a blessing to us, and we are learning from them and thankful for the way they have welcomed us in and befriended us.
Doug & I get to counsel couples together!!! This has been such a special thing for us to get to do together– marriage counseling… and then pre-marital counseling too (just started with our 3rd couple!). We LOVE it. Getting to purposefully pour into marriages has long been a desire of ours, and to have such an outlet to do so (even before vows are spoken) has been a true delight for us.
Doug & I traveled to LA for a biblical counseling conference. Growing in this area has been a rich blessing for us– good for us as disciples, and for life as part of the Body. We are thankful for the ways God is already using, and look forward to seeing more ways that God will use, these deposits of truth and wisdom (from the conference) in our lives. It also happened to be the week of our anniversary, so we snuck in a couple special dates, and enjoyed time away just the two of us for the first time in several years.
We took our oldest son (12) away for a weekend of hiking and discussion about his growth toward manhood. We went through FamilyLife’s Passport2Purity curriculum and were blown away by how wonderful, deep, biblical, and exactly-on-point it was for this season in our relationship with him. I want to share more about this in my “The On-Going Talk” series about how to talk with your kids about sex, when I revisit it, but let me just say- it was a wonderful time with our son, full of rich and biblical discussion about growing as a young man.

I think that’s it.

Let me hear from you if any of this sparked interest/questions on your part.
Also– Let me know what you think of Freestyle Friday.

Sign up to receive my monthly newsletter, and I’ll send you my FREE book, ONE THING: Top Tip (From a Mom of 6). In it, you’ll learn the top way I:

BEAT the “Mommy Wars”, and
HAVE PEACE in my parenting decisions.

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