Since October is my birthday month, let’s talk about birthday depression. Last year, I (seriously) typed in, “why am I sad even though it’s my birthday?” to Google.
Yup, I typed in that phrase.
It wasn’t much help, except to say, apparently, this is a thing. Some people get sad, instead of happy, on their birthdays.
There are a variety of reasons why. Here are some:
- disappointment over the new # of years
- disappointment over how little has changed in the past year
- disappointment about how the celebration/gifts turned out
- disappointment at how uncelebrated one feels on the supposed “best day” of the year
- feelings of sadness about loss of relationships or difficulties faced in the previous year
- a new awareness of the ever-closer time of death
- feelings of relational insignificance (no one to celebrate with, no one to notice, no one who cares– this could be real, as in a widow who feels like she genuinely doesn’t have a significant other to celebrate with, or imagined, as in a person devaluing the relationships they do have and reducing them to “no one” who cares.)
Soon, I’ll be 37. Thirty-seven. Farther from teenagedom than I’ve ever been. Closer to 40.
{Well, guess what, everyone reading this who is younger than 40 is a year closer to 40 than you were last year at this time, and everyone reading this who is older than 40 is a year older than you were a year ago. As a wise young friend of mine hashtagged, #welcometoreality.}
So for me, it’s not about the age. At least, I don’t think it is. Actually, I mourned the passing of my youth on my 20th birthday. Folded up in fetal position on a bench on campus, I seriously cried over the awareness that my teen years were now past. I don’t think– my husband can correct me if I’m lying here– but I don’t think I’ve cried on a birthday since then…
Sometimes I get a little shocked by the increased number of lines around my eyes. And my 12-year-old told me that though I don’t yet have the gray “crown of glory” the Bible talks about, I do have a “sliver of glory.” 😉
He’s totally right. I’ve got wisps of gray and white showing up, and they aren’t going anywhere.
So aging could be one part of the puzzle.
LOOKING AT MY HEART & EXPECTATIONS
But for me it was way more convicting when I began looking at my heart and asking:
What was it I was wanting?, and
What was it I was expecting?
What did I want? Some of the competing desires of my heart were:
- I (apparently) wanted people to be able to read my mind. I gave vague answers about presents I’d enjoy, or things I’d like to do, but then get to the actual day and realize– I have expectations that I didn’t know I had.
- I wanted to feel special. Gonna be honest here. I was disappointed by a (kids’) card. I shouldn’t have been. No card (from a child) is going to have a lengthy, well-considered poetic expression of the sacrifices and joys of having the mother they do. (And if you’ve gotten that card, I don’t want to hear about it right at this moment.)
- I wanted ONLY meaningful, heartfelt expressions, and no routine/trite ones. (Hello, Facebook, I’m looking at you.) This reminds me of the editorial I wrote in college decrying how horrible routine “how are you?/fine”s are. My gut instinct is to buck any and all “routinized” social interactions. But, then, I call to mind my English professor’s rebuke that came in the following week’s editorial: routinized social interactions pave the way for growth and deepening of relationships that happens in the moments around and after those routine interactions. I need to get over it. Routine Facebook “happy birthday”s still count. The fact that they’re not ultra-personal and deeply considered doesn’t take away from the basic fact that they’re kindly meant. And as long as Facebook exists, there’ll be simple 2-word “happy birthday”s expressed.
- I wanted a little bit of a “break” from normal.
By talking about it with Doug, and digging deeper into the truth about this day, I was able to move past the depressed feelings… kind of. Here’s how that looked:
- Kept digging to discover what it was I was really seeking.
- Reminded myself of the truth. (God loves me with an everlasting love. He’s allowed me to live these many years! Ebenezer– He’s brought us this far! My husband loves me. My child who made what I deemed a “lame” card did so with love and affection.) I really need to lighten up. It was a good birthday.
- Chose to be thankful for the parts I could be thankful for.
I’m writing this a little in advance of this coming birthday, so maybe, just maybe, I’ll be better equipped to fight my selfward responses this year.
IN THE COMMENTS: If you’ve experienced these feelings, after birthdays or holidays, what does that look like for you and HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH IT?
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