Recently, talking with two dear friends, one was experiencing a “storm” in parenting her nearly-but-not-quite-adult “child.” Each in our little trio had experienced something similar in recent years.

We each admitted that– in those moments, in our hearts– we feel inwardly assaulted by trying to pinpoint what we had done wrong, and what alllllllllllll the other people must be doing right.

Trials in parenting give us an opportunity– to know our children better, to deal with things as they really are, to see the tendencies of our hearts, and to grow deeper in humility, prayer, dependence on the Lord, and empathy for others!

When we see sin, or even just the messy imperfection of humanity, up close in the lives of our children, we may naturally assume it’s because we have made a mistake.

Indeed, sometimes we may need to adjust X, or change Y, in our parenting strategies. But often, especially as our older children walk through sin and display their common-to-all-people-humanity, the real thing this reaction points to is that our hearts CRAVE the comfort and certainty of a formula.

Younger Christian mom, can I share something with you?

I know you’re learning as you go. Each parenting decision and stage brings uncertainty & self-doubt. We want to do things RIGHT. We love our children, and don’t want to mess them up. We want to be perfect parents.

We have high hopes, and the potential “costs” of mistakes are real.

Sadly, it feels easier when someone else has laid out a formula for us to follow.

We want someone to lay it out, specifically, in as much detail as possible, for us.

But the truth is that there is no formula. And even when someone touts a formula, I can guarantee you– from my own life, and from watching the lives, up close, of hundreds of Christian families–

No matter the formula you’re eye-balling, following it will not produce what is being promised. Even the “best” methodologies (in the same home with the same parents!) do not yield the exact same outcomes each time.

Because children are not products.

And not only that, but particularly if we are thinking about “producing” Christians, there is something we must reckon with, deeply, in our spirits:

human parents can not produce a Christian.

No “RIGHT” approach to family…

  • no book…
  • no “if you do family Bible time each night”…
  • no perfectly sweet tone with which instructions are delivered by mom…
  • no “set of biblical principles”…
  • no talk given by a charismatic homeschool speaker…
  • no consistent “spiritual leadership” by dad…
  • no podcast…
  • no list of “we don’ts” or “we onlys” —

there is nothing like this that can make your child a Christian.

The Bible makes it clear: someone who is not a disciple of Jesus doesn’t just need a helping hand, or a consistently-given spanking and a lecture in the ‘right’ tone.

When we have children who are not (yet) Christians, the Bible describes them as BLIND:

“the god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelievers, to keep them from seeing the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ.”

2 Corinthians 4:4

{Jesus speaking} “if you love me, you will keep my commandments. And I will ask the Father, and He will give you… the Spirit of truth, whom the world can not receive, because it neither sees him nor knows him.”

John 14:15-16

Another way of describing this blindness is “spiritually dead.”

Paul, speaking to the Colossian Christians about their situation, before Jesus: “You, who were dead in your trespasses… God made alive together with him.”

Colossians 2:13

A person not saved by Jesus is “blind” and spiritually “dead.” No amount of “good” parenting can raise the dead or open blind eyes. A blind person can’t be made unblind, or a dead person undead, by anyone but God Himself!

As parents, we should be looking to God alone to give sight, and to bring our children to spiritual life.

But, still, even when we know this, we long for a formula.

We long for someone to tell us an ABC to DO, so that we can happily YIELD XYZ.

Nothing but the Gospel, alive at work in each heart, can do this phenomenal thing!

The Gospel of Jesus is that He came (lived, died, and was raised) to save sinners. And do you know–the Gospel completely changes a person’s nature! It’s not a slight “leg up” or a parent-motivated change in behaviors. When the Holy Spirit is at work in a human heart, He overhauls it from the inside out and reorders the priorities!

“If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.”

2 Corinthians 5:17

“To put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires,… and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.”

Ephesians 5:22, 24

And that is what I’m trying to share.

A few more of the right rules won’t ultimately change your kids, or mine. Swapping to her co-op, private school, or curriculum choices won’t save your kids. Needling your husband until he uses this children’s Bible, or does that like that other guy, isn’t going to suddenly unleash the Spirit of God in your home.

What we need as the foundation for our parenting is this– ONLY the Gospel of Jesus gives life.

Every other legalistic ‘gospel’ kills.

And maybe we “know” that we’re not supposed to put our hope anywhere else.

Maybe we try to avoid the big, cult-like anti-gospels. Maybe we take care to learn from other people, but not treat their input like a formula. And maybe we see our propensity toward “getting it right” and humbly, prayerfully ask God to increase our wisdom and discernment.

Nonetheless, can I urge caution?

When other people share things that ARE NOT CRYSTAL-CLEAR in the Scriptures, like:

  • the exact age their family allows phones
  • why they do/don’t XYZ (have a Christmas tree, wear a head covering, only drive old vehicles, do X form of schooling, have an Etsy business, don’t have a mortgage)
  • her (or her husband’s) convictions about ABCDEF
  • how they’ll handle this/that/the other future decision (that they haven’t even hit or walked through yet)
  • why they did/didn’t/stopped/started to have a big family
  • how they do LMNOP parenting decision (allowances, chore charts, potty training, disciplinary tools, teen jobs)

we should stop and consider what’s happening.

If someone shares things that are not clear in Scripture:

  • is the person weighing in, like a friend to a friend, “here’s what we did, and maybe it can help you…” , or
  • is it something where the peace of the gospel of Jesus is being replaced by a false sense of certainty that comes from made-up-rules to govern life?

And if it’s the latter, pay careful attention and consider avoiding that kind of advice. Hold that person’s life out and consider these questions:

  • Does his life emanate with true humility or love of self?
  • Is she actually content with Jesus, or is she self-satisfied with her choices and in love with her own words?
  • Does he/she have the fruit of the Holy Spirit? (GO DOWN THE LIST from Galatians 5: Is he loving? Peaceable? Is there true and abiding joy? Patience? Is her life marked by kind and self-controlled interactions? Would you describe him as gentle? Etc) Look at the fruit — and examine if the fruit tells you that this “tree” is worth emulating.
  • Is their life actually oriented toward the glory of God, or are they self-oriented?
  • Are they trying to get me to buy something, or to be dependent on them & their So-Very-Right Advice?
  • Do these people offering parenting insight speak like people who are humble stewards of souls, or as if they are in control of outcomes?
  • Does their ‘feed’/content promote themselves and their family members/circle, or do they clearly point toward hope in the Lord?
  • (especially if it’s parenting input—> ) Do these parents actually even know the full fruit of their decisions yet, or are they selling something for which they don’t yet know how it’s going to turn out?

Because sadly, most often, when a person focuses on the externals, and behavioral choices, they are setting you up for a legalistic way of looking at the world.

Jesus warned us against people who clean up the outside of the cup.

“How terrible for you, teachers of the Law and Pharisees! You hypocrites! You clean the outside of your cup and plate, while the inside is full of what you have gotten by violence and selfishness.

Blind Pharisee! Clean what is inside the cup first, and then the outside will be clean too!

…You hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look fine on the outside but are full of bones and decaying corpses on the inside.”

Matthew 23:25

The trouble is, focusing on the outside “sells”– Specifics. Rules.

Legalism.

We like shiny, pretty cups. That’s what appeals to us. We want:

  • the reel showing her exact no-fail method for cleaning the outside of the cup
  • the “vulnerable” selfie-mode-video where she sheepishly confesses how she didn’t feel like cleaning the outside of the cup but how, once she did, things started going right in her day
  • the link to which specific cups she buys, and where
  • the Instagram photo of her lined-up, gleaming cups (you only see the outside, of course)
    • the etsy shop where she sells how-to pamphlets on getting your cups to look more like her cups

Deep down, we’re drawn to the list of rules about how the dad gum outside of the cup should look.

Because THAT is so much easier to do…

  • it’s achievable
  • it’s visible (and even photogenic)
  • it makes us look good
  • it makes us (temporarily) feel good
  • it seems admirable and noteworthy.

We feel GOOD when the outsides of our cups look good, and it gives a temporary sense that we’re doing what we’re “supposed” to do.

Legalistic lists of external “must-dos” give us a sense of accomplishment. When we follow external rules or “guidelines,” we feel,“aha, now I’m really doing it!“

BUT THAT IS NOT WHERE WE ARE SUPPOSED TO FOCUS, and THAT IS NOT THE FRUIT WE ARE TO LOOK AT.

“God does not see as humans see. Humans look at outward appearances, but the LORD looks into the heart.”

1 Samuel 16:7

Jesus told us to clean the inside of the cup.
We’re told God sees the heart.
We know the Holy Spirit produces fruit in our character.
He says the transformation comes to the inner man first.

Do you see why we don’t like this as much as the lists? This is the stuff that can’t be easily “measured,” and takes longer to be seen for what it actually is.