A chart on my Facebook feed offered a humorous look at what “taking care of yourself” looks like before, and after, kids. According to the chart, taking daily vitamins turns into eating “one of the orange gummy vitamins your toddler won’t eat.” Reading a novel becomes reading the yogurt’s expiration date so you don’t poison the kids. 60 minutes of daily exercise into 60 minutes of weekly hiding in the bathroom to restore your sanity.

All joking aside, it is all too easy for moms to fall prey to the notion that their own needs are the ones that can be dismissed and go unmet. But over the long haul, this hurts both ourselves and our families.

When we lived overseas, Doug and I were blessed to be able to attend a class about avoiding burnout as an ex-pat… essentially, it was all about stewardship of the soul. It was written by and for believers, and helped us to learn the rhythm and necessity of self-care while living in perpetually high-stress situations.

While unpacking boxes recently, I came across those old notes. I’ve adapted them here for moms.

“Our bodies were created to function by breathing in and out on a continual basis. Likewise our souls were created to continually take in good as we give out good to others. The term ‘self-care’ refers to that intentional care that [moms] need to give themselves in order to function at optimal levels,” just like breathing in and out.

By doing this, we honor and glorify God through good stewardship of ourselves as image bearers of God.

CONSIDER– which of these areas need your focus in the coming weeks?

  1. REST– The Creator of all the world rested on the 7th day. Jesus rested. Purposefully set aside time for rest and recovery, and guard them diligently. Get quality solitude as you are able. Know your own signs of fatigue and burnout (this can include things like irritability, lack of concentration, spiritual apathy, loss of appetite, panic, anxiety, anger, resentment, restlessness, withdrawal from people you normally love to be with), which tell you that you need rest.
  2. KEEP EXPECTATIONS REALISTIC- Seek God first; prioritize your life behind that. Evaluate yourself honestly. Some moms labor under too-high of expectations of themselves, and others tend toward laziness and expect too little. Know yourself and set appropriate expectations for the season you are in.
  3. ESTABLISH BOUNDARIES- God has called and gifted you to do what He requires of you as a mom… but that doesn’t make you Super-Mom! “Learn to set limits for yourself, so that you will neither promise more than you can give nor overwork yourself, stifling your effectiveness. Boundaries help us and reassure others that we will not abuse ourselves.” Say ‘NO’ (without guilt) to some things– even worthwhile things– so that you will have room for the most important things in your life.
  4. REGAIN PERSPECTIVE- Sabbath was established to orient us toward a focus on God. Set time for regular Sabbath rest in your life. This may be a new idea for you… in our fast-paced society, it is rare for anyone to set aside an entire day for restful focus on God. “Remember that you are a child of the Father. Take moments to get away or relax for the purpose of reflection.” Replant yourself in the soil of God’s goodness; remind yourself of His grace and truth. “Let memories of God’s work in your life help you celebrate His goodness” and look forward to His continued work around you.
  5. EXERCISE- Be a good steward of your earthen vessel. “Have some form of regular exercise. You may not feel like doing this, but you know you need it.” Physical well-being doesn’t merely extend to our weight and muscle mass. By taking care of our physical form, we are better equipped to love the people in our lives, and it can even help with depression, stress levels, and sleep problems.
  6. ACTIVELY PRAY- Living and active prayer connects us with God’s power and presence. Take time to commune with your Maker. As moms it can be difficult to “find time to pray” but this is an important part of growing in faith and connecting with our Father. Most women know this instinctively– we feel closer to people we converse with, and more distant toward those we rarely speak to or hear from. Purposefully speak with your Creator about the concerns of your heart– your husband and children, the relationships and challenges of your life– and listen to His Spirit as He counsels your heart with truth from the Word.
  7. READ- Transformation of our mind is essential for Christlikeness. Take time to read from Scripture, devotional classics, and books that give you fresh spiritual insight and greater depth and maturity. “Strengthen your soul by study, reflection, and meditation on the Word of God.” I have found, as a mom, that one way for me to rest and recharge my soul is to read while taking a hot bath at the end of the day. [Another way that I keep my mind engaged is by filling our home with Godward words from Scripture and books… I write them out on paper and post them on the fridge, above the stove, and on my mirror. I also paint and sew them in various places. It’s a great way to keep yourself challenged and focused on what matters.]
  8. STRETCH YOURSELF- Life in the Spirit is to be bold, not timid. “Exercise your spiritual life by ‘reaching’ further into your understanding of truths such as faithfulness, forgiveness, grace, hope, joy, patience, sacrifice, salvation. Dig out some of those old workbooks [or sermon notes!] you meant to follow-up on.” Start a reading club or ask an older woman to meet with you to read through a book of the Bible together. “Get into some good dialogue that stretches those intellectual muscles you haven’t used since school.”
  9. BUILD SUPPORT- Let others “one another” and carry your burdens when needed. “Join or create a small group whom you can share your journey, struggles, and strain with, as well as your celebrations and joys. Schedule time with these people. Let them speak into your life. Remember, Jesus surrounded Himself with His own specially selected group of such people.” Do not let yourself fade into isolation and self-pitying loneliness.
  10. SCHEDULE JOY- Rejoice intentionally! Schedule a few activities into your routine that take you away from the kitchen sink and laundry bin, and that give you a boost. Laugh with, and kiss, your husband. Go to coffee with a friend. Join a monthly moms’ group. Purposefully play WITH the kids. “If you don’t supply yourself with some lightheartedness and joy, you’ll eventually have little to give to others.”

IN THE COMMENTS:

  • Share which of these self-care habits you need to be purposeful about implementing in your life. (Bonus points for specific stories and examples!)

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Tagged burnout, exhaustion, homemaker, intentionality, mom, mommy martyr, self-care, self-pity, soul care, stress, tiredness

Well, if you know anything about our family, you know we have a lot of kids (6, going on 7, to be exact).

Spills have become part-and-parcel of Connell family mealtimes. And now, 12 years into this parenting gig, I’m nearly… getting better about… almost… past freaking out about spills at the table.

One thing that has helped me not to worry about spills is that I recently took some old (stained, ripped) cloth-covered dining chairs and spent a few hours recovering them with oilcloth.

In case you aren’t familiar with oilcloth, it’s often used for tablecloths. It’s a slick fabric (typically vinyl backed with a sturdy mesh backing) that is perfect for use around food and drinks. Spills are repelled completely, and sticky foods and any residue from previously spilled drinks wipe off easily without becoming embedded in the fabric.

This is an inexpensive project, with big bang for your buck. It’s not only beautiful, but it’s immensely practical.

AND I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE THE RESULTS!!!

(As one friend recently said, “These are the happiest chairs I’ve ever sat in.”)

Here’s the before and after:

So first, choose the fabric you’re going to use.

You could go to a fabric store, and maybe you know of someplace that carries amazing oilcloth. But the truth is that for most of us, even if we visit a very large store, their oilcloth selection is going to be rather small.

I saved myself the gas money, time, and hassle and instead, looked on Amazon for oilcloth.

My selection process went like this:

  • I knew I wanted a cheerful, vintage feel. We live in the Pacific Northwest now (read: it’s going to rain a lot, even though this spring & summer have been uh-MAZE-ing), so I wanted colors that would make me smile even when it’s perpetually gray outside.
  • I decided to purchase 3 different fabrics, rather than recovering them all in the same fabric. That way, in case any of them get permanently damaged or ripped, I can replace the 2 matching chairs rather than having to replace all 6. (That’s cause… full admission? I’m a cheapskate.)
  • I pulled up my favorite designs in multiple windows on my screen, comparing them to one another so that I could narrow down my selections.

Here’s what I ultimately picked:

The combination of these three designs is exactly what I was going for!

In case you’re curious, the three fabrics I chose were:

I measured my seats (thickness in addition to width/length), and ordered 1 yard of each, as each length of oilcloth was enough to cover 2 seatcovers. With shipping, the total cost was just $24.

(And like you can tell in the picture, they ship them to you in rolls rather than folded. So, there are no creases, which would definitely be a problem with oilcloth since it’s so thick and sturdy.)

Once you’ve got your fabric in hand (and they ship fast!), gather the chairs you’re going to use.

We’d left our (creaky, part-broken) dining chairs in Dallas when we moved because there wasn’t any room left in the moving truck. Once we moved here, I bought these chairs for two reasons.

1. I loved the detailed backs of them and thought they’d fit well in our circa-1925 house.
2. They were $5 each at the Habitat for Humanity ReStore, making the set of six just $30.

Oh who am I kidding?

The price is totally why I bought them. I told you, I’m an utter cheapskate.

Anyway.

First, turn them over and unscrew the seat from the chair frame. Mine had been recovered multiple times, so some of the screws required Phillips head, and some were flathead.

Once you completely remove it, it’ll look something like this:

My chairs had 3 layers of fabric on them– the original fabric (that white tapestry fabric peeking through), and plus two more (they had apparently already been recovered 2 times).

You could pull off the old fabric, but you don’t have to. I didn’t bother. I just moved right on to recovering them.

Before cutting:

  • Place your oilcloth face down, with your seat cover on top of it, also face down. 
  • Make sure you leave a margin of fabric that allows you to pull the fabric up tight around the seat and gives you plenty of room to staple. 
  • Turn over the seat cover and eyeball what design of the fabric will show. You may wish to rotate the seat one way or another, keeping in mind which edge will make the front of the seat. You will need to do this with more caution and care if you choose a design like gingham or stripes, which requires a certain orientation in order to look “correct,” so that the chairs will match one another.

When you’re ready, begin stapling.

I couldn’t find our staple gun when I did this project, so I borrowed a friend’s and just bought a box of staples in the right size. But if you’re in the market for one, here’s a great staple gun. Make sure you get the appropriate-sized staples as well.

It’s easier if you begin on a long side (even better, begin along the back edge, which will be covered up by the back of the seat) while you get the hang of manipulating the fabric & stapling.

For the corners, it will look cleanest if you make long folds and bring them back at an angle. I forgot to take a picture of this part. So just imagine it’s there.  But you’ll want to do 2-4 folds per corner, keeping your work nice and clean. The oilcloth is thick, so just keep working with it to find the right fold for your corner. Once you get it folded in a way you like, hold it tight with one hand while you staple with the other.

If you look back up at the picture above, you’ll see that my staples aren’t all smooth and wonderful. Part of that was my wonky staple gun, but part of that was that I’m just not a professional upholsterer. And I’m OK with that. The most important part, which you’ll see in the photo as well, is that the edges are nice and smooth and look good from the top.

When you’re finished, the seat should look smooth and crisp like this:

Then turn the chair over (I found it helpful to turn it upside down and place it on top of the dining table) and reconnect the seat to the chair frame with the screws. You may have to use an extra measure of force to get it through the oilcloth if the fabric covered up the old holes, but that will actually end up helping to hold the screws in.

Once you’ve done this for your set, you’re ready to enjoy your new chairs!

I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to sit in my new chairs! It makes me even happier that anytime something sticky or messy spills onto them, it takes a simple washcloth to wipe off, and there’s no more evidence of the mess.

Have fun dreaming up your new chairs!

DETAILS:
What you’ll need:

  • About 15-30 minutes of time for every chair you want to recover
  • Dining chairs
  • probably 1 yard of oilcloth for every 2 dining chairs. If your seats are extra wide, or the padding is extra thick, you’ll need to allow 1 yard for each chair.
  • Staple gun
  • Correct-sized staples for your staple gun (I used 9/16 inch staples)
  • screwdriver that matches the type of screws used in your chairs

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  • HAVE PEACE in my parenting decisions.

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Tagged dining room chairs, Home Decor, home management, homemaker, kid friendly cloth dining chairs, oilcloth chairs project, oilcloth dining room chairs, redecorating ideas

Burnout can come to any of us. Sometimes it comes because we’re in a high-stress season, and sometimes it comes because we’ve over-committed.


There are times, though, when burnout comes because we have not treated ourselves as human beings worthy of care.

Whether because we’ve been a “mommy martyr” or because in the busyness of life, it’s fallen by the wayside, we can forget that God has given us our minds, hearts, and bodies as something we are to steward well.

STEWARDSHIP… OF YOU???

What does it mean to exercise stewardship?

Merriam-Webster defines it this way:

the conducting, supervising, or managing of something; especially: the careful and responsible management of something entrusted to one’s care 

Stewardship is not just something reserved for money, company property, or for a committee that meets once a month at church.

Stewardship is something we all do, everyday. 

Everything we own is God’s.

Read that again: everything we own is God’s. That includes our money and possessions, but doesn’t stop there.

God has given us our time, our energy levels and physical strength. He has given us the relationships and family that we have. He has given us our roles and occupation. Stewardship is a mindset we can bring to everything we do, and everything we are. 

So then, even though it sounds selfish (and can have selfish application– I think of the modern “me-time” phenomenon that has women darting here and there in an attempt to fill the empty and hurting places in their souls), I believe one of the things we are to do is to steward ourselves well. 

WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE TO STEWARD “ME?”

One way that we care for the people in our lives is to see that their needs are met. Needs like food, water, warmth, nursing when they are sick, etc., are all the basics… but we typically don’t stop there.

We arrange our furniture in such a way that it services the needs of the people who live in our home. Perhaps we buy our husband’s favorite snack to show that we care for him. He doesn’t “need” the snack, and yet, his need for affection and care is something we care about and desire to meet. So we buy the snack. Perhaps we purchase books for our children to read that will not just fill our shelves with books, but will fill their minds with wholesome, Godward thinking. We work to recognize when a child is overcommitted, and instead of signing them up for more activities, we purposefully decompress and take a semester (or more) off from the chaos.

These are all examples of thoughtful stewardship. They are also intentional ways of actively loving the people around us.

So, then, how can I steward “me?”

I think particularly for moms, this can be an important consideration. It is not a visit to the salon, ultimately, that will soothe my soul. An outfit that better fits my marshmallowy postpartum body will not resolve the hurts of my heart. At times, a physical answer like one of these could possibly be a piece of the puzzle, but it is not my final solution.

What then are some ways we can (rightly, biblically) have our needs met? These are in order of how I believe they should happen:

  1. Prayer– talk to the Lord.
  2. Bible reading– be encouraged and have your mind renewed.
  3. Analyze the way you’re running your home and consider if some things need to be prioritized differently or done by others.
  4. Build REST into your routine. (Naptime? After the kids’ bedtime?  How can you help your heart and body to be at rest during this in-the-trenches season of motherhood?)
  5. Build NURTURE into your routine. In the same way that you seek to care for the other people in your home, consider small ways you can care for yourself. Scripture says a lot condemning selfishness, but it also makes a lot of assumptions that “we care for our own flesh”– see the classic marriage passage in Ephesians 5 as one example. It is not wrong or selfish to care for your own flesh, and make efforts to see that your needs are met, similar to how you do for the other people in your home.
  6. Talk to your husband- ask for his advice and input. Many times, Doug has weighed in on an issue in our home and helped provide a simple solution to a problem I was previously churning over and couldn’t solve on my own.
  7. Look to your husband- appropriately ask for his help and engagement in what’s happening in your home. (There are seasons where this may be inapplicable. A husband who’s working 2 jobs and going through college likely won’t be able to help with the housework much at all. A husband who has a hectic travel schedule may not be able to do this as often. But it is not wrong to ask your husband to jump in and help, especially in times like the postpartum season.)
  8. Talk to your children– about what needs doing, and about being cheerful helpers.
  9. Look to your children– see what they are capable of doing, and train them to help. (If you need ideas, check out our chore chart— FYI, the ages of the kids listed are 12, 10, 8, 6, & 4.)
  10. Talk to your church Body– ask other moms how they do x, y, and z. Humble yourself, get advice, and be willing to implement it. (One thought here: don’t look to complainers… look to women who seem to have found a level of peace and calm in the area where you are stressed.)
  11. Look to your church Body- if there are legitimate needs that are beyond what you can carry, this is one the “one anothering” of Scripture kicks in. See who in your Body might be able to help carry your burden during this season. (Especially if you have “mommy martyr” tendencies, look carefully at who you ask. Don’t merely ask the person who will embarrass you least. Try to ask the person who has the ability/time/energy to give what you need.)

A healthy mom actively works to meet the needs of everyone in her household. She includes HERSELF as a person in the household. There may be times when she steps up to do a task despite overwhelming exhaustion, but over the long haul, she works hand-in-hand alongside her family and doesn’t hold expectations over others. She expresses her needs and asks for help when she needs it.

One way we can avoid burnout is by more intentionally stewarding ourselves. When we recognize that our bodies, minds, time, and energy are given to us by God, rather than simply using them up, we can seek to care for them and use them well.

PLEASE SHARE IN THE COMMENTS:

  • What’s one thing you can begin doing to actively steward *YOU* more faithfully?

Images courtesy of: imagery majestic & Ambro/freedigitalphotos.net

Sign up to receive my monthly newsletter, and I’ll send you my FREE book, ONE THING: Top Tip (From a Mom of 6). In it, you’ll learn the top way I:

  • BEAT the “Mommy Wars”, and
  • HAVE PEACE in my parenting decisions.

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Tagged burnout, exhaustion, intentionality, self-care, soul care, stewardship, tiredness

In Part 1, we asked the question- “Are You A ‘Mommy Martyr?’” That article gives a fleshing out of what it looks like to take on the identity of a ‘mommy martyr’ as well as some of the ways it affects our lives.

Today (in Part 2), I want to look at 7 ways we can leave the “mommy martyr” complex behind and intentionally put on our identity in Christ.

GOD’S WOMAN

In contrast with the description of the churning, ever-tired, never-satisfied woman we looked at in part one, I believe we are meant to be women who see ourselves as God sees us:

This woman:

  • Recognizes her limitations
  • Sees herself realistically
  • Sees others realistically
  • Recognizes God’s bigness, and thus, doesn’t feel like she has to do everything
  • Seeks to have her needs met in the right ways
  • Expresses her needs and hurts in appropriate ways, to appropriate people
  • Is not actively churning while wearing a smile (soul hypocrisy). Rather, her outsides match her insides.

This is the kind of woman I aspire to be.

I don’t want to (inwardly) churn my way through life. I want my outside to match my inside.

I’d like to steward my body, mind, and soul well, with an awareness of my own human insufficiency, and God’s ultimate power. Less concerned with the goings-on of others, and more concerned about loving others. Less concerned about my own busyness and more concerned about the business God has expressly put on my plate. Less concerned about being “right,” and more concerned about words that are seasoned with the grace of the Gospel. Less concerned about activities and more concerned about the attitudes of my heart.

WHAT CAN WE DO TO AVOID BEING (OR BECOMING) A “MOMMY MARTYR?” 

  1. Look at yourself in light of Scripture: recognize your own human weakness, and the human weakness of people around you.
  2. Purposefully look for ways to avoid burnout before it happens. Though it may sound odd, put this way, *YOU* are someone that needs to be cared for, just like everyone else in your household.
  3. Begin committing to ONLY the things you can do joyfully. The world will not fall apart if you don’t “do it all.” Purposefully say “yes” to the thing that you can rightly, joyfully, whole-heartedly say “yes” to. And then, say “no” without guilt to the other queries that come your way.
  4. Choose to stop the comparisons when they start going in your brain. No one benefits when we compare. Others are put down, or put up on pedestals. We are discouraged, or become puffed up. Comparison is never, ever a good thing.
  5. Ask others to help when you believe it’s needed. Don’t expect anyone– husband, children, friends, relatives, fellow church members– to be able to read your mind! And keep in mind the difference between a daily “load” and a one-another-sized burden.
  6. Walk in a way so that your inside matches your outside. If you find yourself churning inside, do something about it– take action! Don’t let your heart grow accustomed to this kind of soul hypocrisy.
  7. And, perhaps most importantly: Choose to do the things you do IN CHRIST, not in your own human strength. 

This last point can be the most difficult when we have taken on the attitude of a mommy martyr. For so long, we have yearned for human notice and attention given to the activities and “successes” of our lives.

I believe this can be an easy “idol” for stay-home moms who long for the praise and positional respect that we’re “missing out on” by not climbing the rungs of a career ladder. We have to guard our hearts against this longing for human praise and notice. We must fight against self-pity that fuels a belief that we are under-praised, under-noticed, and deserving of more than we are given.

Instead of “doing, doing, doing” in our own strength (which, ultimately, is working for our own glory), we can opt to walk in the power God supplies– like Colossians 1:29 describes:

For this I toil, struggling with all his energy that he powerfully works within me.

The goal for us is not to do everything in our own power. Instead, true strength comes when we recognize that we CAN’T “do it all,” and instead:

  • align ourselves under King Jesus, inquiring of Him what HE would have us do.
  • align ourselves under whatever authorities God has put in our lives — this means asking your husband, or your parents (if you’re younger), and possibly your elders or others for wisdom about what you should be doing.
  • And then do what the verse says: “TOIL” — working strenuously with all “HIS ENERGY” that HE will powerfully work within you.

Rely on Him. Lean on His Word. Look to His priorities. And do the things that He leads you to do.

Our Good Shepherd doesn’t lead us to burnout. That’s the place we end up when we are going and doing and striving in our own efforts… even when the places we are going are “good” places and the things we are doing are “good” things.

To avoid being a “Mommy Martyr,” carefully evaluate your “yes”es and commit to what you can joyfully do, supplied by God’s strength. 

Hang in there, Mama. We’re all works in progress, but let’s progress closer to our Savior, fixing our identity IN HIM, and move away from the “Mommy Martyr” identity.

IN THE COMMENTS:

  • Discuss with me: Have you seen a tendency in yourself to try to do things in your own human strength, rather than living daily in the energy and strength Christ supplies?

Image courtesy of: stockimages/freedigitalphotos.net

Sign up to receive my monthly newsletter, and I’ll send you my FREE book, ONE THING: Top Tip (From a Mom of 6). In it, you’ll learn the top way I:

  • BEAT the “Mommy Wars”, and
  • HAVE PEACE in my parenting decisions.

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Tagged burnout, Comparison, Contentment, Discontentment, exhaustion, family life, God SEES, homemaker, hypocrisy, mom, mommy martyr, relationships, self-pity, tiredness

This mom:

  • steps up to “do it all,” taking on more than she can cheerfully do, then feels bitterness and frustration
  • doesn’t ask (but still expects) others to help
  • may keep an internal “list” of all the things she does that no one else appreciates
  • magnifies her own responsibilities, contributions, and burdens, and thus expects that others would notice and pitch in
  • minimizes the responsibilities, contributions, and burdens of others, and thus expects that others have plenty of extra energy and time to notice and pitch in to carry her load
  • compares herself to others and may see herself as more holy/servant-like
  • actively engages in self-pity
  • may feel disdain for others who do things for fun and recharging
  • sees tiredness and impending burn-out from her goings-on as a sign of her righteous strength rather than her human weakness
  • lets everything pile up until she reaches a breaking point, boils over, and desperately, overwhelmingly NEEDS help
  • is roiling and churning on the inside, though her outside may appear godly and put-together

A MISTAKEN IDEA OF LOVE

In all of her “doings,” the mommy martyr is likely convinced that she is doing what is best for the people in her life.

In reality, though, no one is best-loved who never has to pull their own weight. By doing it all, she is robbing the people in her home of the contributions they could make, and exhausting herself in the process. The “mommy martyr” does it all, but then grows bitter, whereas love doesn’t enable sin. Love doesn’t hold out unspoken expectations and a “list of wrongs.” Love speaks the truth. Also, as a mom, love looks like teaching our children to pull their own weight, and serve one another inside the home.

The mommy martyr needs to rightly see that her doings aren’t actually loving, and choose to actively, truly love the people around her.

POOR STEWARDSHIP OF HERSELF

This is the classic “put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others” advice. The mommy martyr eventually reaches a drowning point of exhaustion and bitterness and doesn’t realize that she’s harming the people around her by her choice to serve, serve, serve, and never ask for help. She’s burnt-out, used-up, completely-spent, and looks around at other moms and doesn’t know how others do it.

By trying to “do it all,” she eventually puts herself in a position where she can’t do even the daily things with joy. Every part of her is maxed-out. Every task feels like “another item on the list” of things she does and no one appreciates. By failing to actively care for herself, and failing to reach out to and receive help from those within her household, she has torn apart her ability to continue loving and serving them with joy.

A verse that applies to this is Proverbs 14: 1: “Every wise woman builds her house, but a foolish one tears it down with her own hands.”

She thinks she is doing good to her household, but with each self-pitying action she takes, and with each additional burden she wearily adds to her load, this mom is tearing down her home. Her home is turned into a place where needs go unexpressed, service is taken for granted, and self-focused churning rules the inward places of those who dwell there. 

Mark Altrogge said this: “The word hypocrite comes from a word meaning actor. A hypocrite’s an actor, a pretender. He professes some value or belief but his private life does not match it. He’s not pure in heart. So to be pure in heart means our words match our thoughts. Our outer life matches our inner life.” 

The mommy martyr has an outside that looks one way, but inwardly, she is roiling with exhaustion and bitterness. In truth, this is hypocrisy of the soul.

IS THIS DESCRIBING YOU?

Do you see yourself in some of the mommy martyr description? Perhaps we can all find ourselves there, whether in whole, or in some piece or part. The good news is, we don’t have to stay there. In my next post, Part 2, we’ll examine 7 ways to stop being a “Mommy Martyr.”

IN THE COMMENTS:

  • Would you consider sharing one story or example from your life or life experiences where you’ve seen a “mommy martyr” attitude?

Image courtesy of stockimages/freedigitalphotos.net

Sign up to receive my monthly newsletter, and I’ll send you my FREE book, ONE THING: Top Tip (From a Mom of 6). In it, you’ll learn the top way I:

  • BEAT the “Mommy Wars”, and
  • HAVE PEACE in my parenting decisions.

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Tagged burnout, Comparison, Contentment, exhaustion, heart change, hypocrisy, mommy martyr, self-pity

If you’re looking for excuses to get out of sex, or reasons to stay mad at the mistake-making human husband you married, you’ve come to the wrong place.

But for the rest of you… the tired mom who just wants a little extra sleep, the woman for whom the initial delight you had in your beloved has faded into a hum-drum occasional physical interaction, the wife who feels exhausted by her children and has been excusing “not having anything left over to give” to the man you pledged your life to… to YOU, I have a few things to say.

Know that I’m not saying this from some lofty tower of well-rested ease. I’m an oft-tired mom of six, going on seven, children– including lots of little ones. We moved across the country less than six months ago, and are definitely in a more tired season of life.

But here’s the deal, ladies– your life is like a vapor. And that quick-fading nature of the time you are given includes ALL of your relationships.

This is the time you have been given. Today.

Tomorrow? …none of us know what lies there waiting for us. It could be more of the same-old, same-old everyday things. Tomorrow could hold something great; it could also bring a diagnosis like “cancer.”

And I don’t want to play the “everything could go wrong tomorrow” card just to make a point.

But the truth is, it could.

Regardless of what lies in the future, tonight, tomorrow night, when you (a tired woman) lay next to a human husband who (like you) has faced the everyday attacks and assaults of the world and the enemy,  you have a choice to make. How can you pour into him? How can you truly be a helper to him, and a blessing to his heart? How can you serve and encourage and show active love to him?

One way (not the only way, but ONE way) for us to shower our affection on him is to be a willing wife… yes, even when our body desires sleep.

With that in mind, here are 5– scratch that, I’ve given you a bonus sixth! SIX– reasons to make love, even when you’re tired:

  1. YOUR BODY IS NOT YOUR OWN. As a believer in Christ, this is always true of us, no matter what. If you are in Christ, your body is the Lord’s. We are not our own; we are bought with a price. But as a wife, Scripture says my body does not belong to me only, but also to my husband. This is a starkly different message than the “my body, my choice, my rights” message we get, non-stop, from our culture. Hear me, though; this is NOT a demeaning message– this is ultimately a FREEING and LIFE-GIVING message. This is the beauty of the Gospel. Christ loves the church and gives Himself up for her; our husbands are called to love us and give themselves up for us. Their body is ours (they work for us, shower us with their affection, protect us, go to battle if necessary to defend us, put themselves between us and harm’s way), and ours are theirs (we care for them, joyfully give physical affection, bear their children, nurse their babies, care for them when they are sick). So if your husband asks, or implies, or you think he might, respond (or even, INITIATE) rather than retreating.
  2. Seize the day! I don’t think a single one of us will reach the end of our lives wishing we’d just been able to squeeze in 20 minutes more of work, dishes, gardening, or sleep; a great many of us will reach the end of life wishing we’d connected more deeply, more often, with our husbands. NOW IS THE TIME (yes, even when you’re sleepy), MY FRIEND!
  3. INVEST, BECAUSE THE STATE OF YOUR SEX LIFE AFFECTS & REFLECTS THE WHOLE RELATIONSHIP. Don’t believe me? Read 1 Corinthians 7. Paul, a single man who was (arguably) perpetually given to religious rather than physical affections, recognized the inherent connection between sexlessness and Satan’s footholds within the marriage relationship. I’ve known married couples who have done it every night (yes, every night!) for 20+ years, and some who have done it every Thursday night for 35+ years. Sadly, I also know couples who haven’t touched each other in years. Beyond habitual patterns and statistical data, the way that we approach one another physically gives indication of other aspects of the connections between us. More often than not, the state of the sexual relationship gives an insightful glimpse into two things: the marriage relationship, and the way we approach God. Invest in your relationship by investing in your physical affection and connection. So many of us in this wicked culture bring heaps of unhealthy baggage into this arena, but it is SO worth it to work through that junk. Let me urge you: make this a priority in your life.
  4. MAKING LOVE IS LIKE EXERCISING. I have a friend who says this about working out: “I never really want to do it, but I’m always glad to have done it.” For some women, making love is like that. It’s a good thing to do. God has made it good for your body, good for your marriage, good for your heart, good for your husband, good for your health, good for your soul. Heck, it’s even (in a long-view-of-life way) good for your kids, grandkids, and descendants, for you to pass on a legacy of self-giving, loving affection as normative in a healthy marriage. So even if you (initially) aren’t “in the mood,” God built our bodies wonderfully, making us women particularly able to adjust our “mood.”  Like exercise (assuming that you want to be healthy), even if you don’t initially *want* to make love, you’ll never be sorry that you did.
  5. REALLY, IT’S *SUCH* A SMALL AMOUNT OF TIME. Sure, sometimes you’re newly postpartum, or have something strangely exhausting happening in your life; those times are the exception. But generally speaking, you can afford the 10-35 extra minutes to get in a good time of physical and emotional connection with your husband. Honestly, who cares about the tiny amount of extra sleep, as compared to putting a slap-happy smile on your husband’s face (AND YOURS)? Plus, women who have had sex sleep better (it releases body chemicals and hormones like dopamine and oxytocin that relax your body and enable rest to come more easily). The time investment is truly SMALL compared to the connective fibers you are stitching into your marriage.
  6. WE’RE ALL TIRED. Honestly, we really are. No matter our age or phase of life. This cutthroat, go-go-go, hyper scheduled culture keeps most of us a hair past exhausted. But we all make time for what’s important to us. I’ll say that again: WE MAKE TIME FOR WHAT’S IMPORTANT TO US. Is this area of your marriage important? Maybe you would answer “no”… but would your spouse truly answer the same way? The truth is, we’re all tired, but God has given us (as husband and wife) the ability to have this beautiful physical act that mirrors the connection, the intimacy, the transparency, and the joy that we are to have in and with one another. We’re all tired, but we make time for what’s important to us. Consider raising the importance and priority of this activity, and commit to just do it.

Let me challenge you today: invest in this part of your relationship. You could “just do it” tonight.

Yes, even if you’re tired.

image courtesy of mack2happy/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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Tagged exhaustion, marriage, sex, wife Posted on September 8, 2014Author Jess Connell

Have you ever caught yourself listening to a sermon on someone else’s behalf?

What I mean by that is, are you mentally internally saddened because, “so-and-so SURE COULD BENEFIT from hearing this,” but she isn’t there? Or perhaps you’re cheering the pastor on because you think, “Boy, I hope that couple across the aisle is paying attention! They really need to be hearing this!” Or hitting perhaps even closer to home, listening to a sermon/message “for” your husband?

But the Bible makes it abundantly clear that (while one-anothering is good, and exhortation, teaching, counseling, and encouragement are all excellent) aside from our roles as parents, the main person’s obedience we are to pay keen attention to is our own. 

My pastor once preached a sermon about how “MYOB” would be a good quick acronym for helping people in everyday Christian living. He said that we’d all be better off if each believer remembered, more often than not, to “Mind Your Own Business.” I think it’s a good reminder in today’s tell-all world.

Daily choices of obedience or rebellion toward the LORD.

Moment-by-moment opportunities to love my family or to love myself.

This is progressive sanctification. 

Specifically, I’m to buckle down and live *my own* real life, leaning into the Lord for my own sanctification. Lately I’ve been contemplating doing the plain-old, “boring,” (but somehow extremely challenging) simple things that Scripture lays out for ME to do. There’s plenty of material there:

  • “Think about these things” — true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent, praiseworthy (Philippians 4:8)
  • Is the Spirit of God clearly at work in my heart? Am I exhibiting His fruit– love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control? (Galatians 5:22)
  • Do I have godly wisdom? “Wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy.” (James 3:17)
  • Am I offering true love to others? Patient? Kind? Not envious? Not boasting? Not proud? Not rude? Not selfish & demanding? Not irritable and resentful/embittered? Never rejoicing at evil? Always rejoicing with truth? Do I persevere? Bear, believe, hope, and endure all things? (from 1 Corinthians 13)
  • AND the Bible is full of so much more that can serve as a challenge and sharpening tool for my heart and life.

It hurts, honestly, to look at myself through these lenses.

Comparison can leave us feeling like the best or the worst, depending on who we’re comparing ourselves against! But no matter where I fall when compared against others on a computer screen, I don’t come out on top when I measure myself against the standards of Scripture. While I am dearly loved by God, His love for me doesn’t just leave me where I sit, in the muck of my flesh. His love for me compels Him to reveal to me my need for Jesus, AND ULTIMATELY, to conform me to (make me more like) the image of His son.

When we filter our lives through Scripture, no matter how long we’ve been walking with the Lord, there is always greater sanctification (moving toward Christlikeness) that needs to happen. In fact, the closer I get to Him, the more clearly I see all the areas in my life that are *NOT* holy and pure.

Sadly, it can be so tempting and so easy to shift our conviction and concern from our own walk with God toward the way others are walking and living.

GOSSIP & “RUNNING FROM HOUSE TO HOUSE”

In 1 Timothy 5, when Paul is giving Timothy instructions for when to enroll widows in the provisions given by the church, one of the qualifications is that she not be a young widow (verse 11). One reason given is because being fully supported by the church at a young age, without anything to do (see suggested activities in verse 14) can encourage a busybody-like, gossiping nature in women (verse 13).

We often want to minimize the seriousness of our gossip, and justify a mindless “running from house to house” (which I think includes comparing, contrasting, complaining, criticizing, and coveting– these can happen whether you are physically running from house to house or not). But Paul describes this behavior as “straying after Satan.” (1 Timothy 5:15) I am concerned that if we’re not intentional, much of our online activities could be described similarly: running from house to house, comparing, gossiping, criticizing, and coveting.

It is a serious thing to be a woman who, because of having too much free time, is preoccupied with the homes and situations of others.

“BUT WHAT ABOUT HER, LORD?”

After the resurrection, Peter asked Jesus about John, wishing to know what His future plans for John might be.

The response from Jesus?

“What is that to you? You follow me.” (John 21:22)

It can be so tempting to look around (especially in this Pinterest/Facebook/Instagram age) and try to diagnose and/or “solve the problems” of everyone else. We are like Peter, asking about God’s plans for someone else, “But what about her, Lord?”

Like He did with Peter, God snaps us back into reality:

“Each of us will give an account of himself to God.” (Romans 14:12)

Even when friends ask us for input, exhortation, wisdom, encouragement, and insight into their lives, we are not to then spend the next two weeks (months? years?) stewing over their issues, churning over them endlessly. NO. Remember to consider, “What has God put on my plate?”

We each have our own issues to deal with:

“Let each one test his own work… for each will have to bear his own load.” (Galatians 6:4-5)

At the end of the day, while there are plenty of “one anothers” for us to live out within the Body (and we should!), at the very same time, God says that it is good for us to live quietly & mind our own business:

“We urge you, brothers… to aspire to live quietly and to mind your own affairs…” ~1 Thessalonians 4:10-11

Christian woman, more often than not, MYOB.

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Tagged Body of Christ, Comparison, Contentment, criticism, Discontentment, friendship, gossip, heart change, MYOB, Quiet Spirit Posted on September 1, 2014Author Jess Connell 4 Comments on Trajectory

TRAJECTORY– (noun) the path followed by an
object moving under the action of given forces.

When a plane is on a certain trajectory, you can fairly accurately predict where it is headed based on its previous course, its speed, and the direction its nose currently points.

The same is true of many things in life.

If you look at your life as on a particular trajectory, where are you headed right now– toward bitterness or joy? Toward growth as a woman and child of God, toward stagnancy, or worse still, toward hypocrisy and selfishness?  Toward balance and wisdom in your approach to devices, or a social media addiction? Toward love and a heart for serving the people God puts in your path, or toward judgmental criticism of the people around you?

If you look at each of your children as on a particular trajectory, where are they headed? Given what you know about how God has built them, and what God is doing in their young minds and in your family’s life, where do their individual paths lead? Given their current level of obedience and responsiveness to the authorities in their lives, does their path lead to fruitfulness and peace, or to jail? Given their current attitude, and your response to it, where is their character headed?

If you look at your marriage as on a particular trajectory, where is it headed? Given the way you interact, your communication level and quality, your intimacy, and your unity and oneness, where is it likely you’ll end up: as the joyful couple celebrating dozens of years, Lord willing? Or, as the embittered older couple who managed to stay married by the skin of your teeth– despite a lack of connectivity and a laundry list of offenses between you? Or, divorced?

If you look at your spiritual life as on a particular trajectory, where are you headed? Toward greater wisdom, greater groundedness in the Word, and greater depths of dependence on the Heavenly Father? Or toward more independence and self-reliance, more valuing of worldly wisdom over the Word, and more time spent in your own head than thinking God’s thoughts after Him?

Let’s look at our lives realistically, without that mysterious American expectation fueled by romantic movies: little knowledge, little wisdom, that somehow leads to an amazing outcome.

If you look at your life without wishful thinking, what is your trajectory?

It would be absurd to look at an undisciplined, headstrong, quarrelsome child, and expect them to, as an adult, walk in wisdom, graciousness, and love for others all their days. We can’t look at ongoing, negative, unchallenged patterns in our own hearts, and expect that we will grow into godly women as we age. We can’t look at unhealthy patterns in our marriages and expect that they will somehow evaporate into a delightful marriage.

One challenge for us all:

I dare us all (yes “us” — me too) to answer honestly:

  • Where, if you look at the current state of affairs in each of these areas of your life and home, are they LIKELY headed?
  • What does TRAJECTORY indicate about the direction of your life and home?

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