May 2015 – Jess Connell

(Though these “Mom on Purpose” posts are being published over time, they were written days in a row.)

First, I asked myself the main question of essentialism. Two days ago, I got clear on the principles of what’s essential for me right now. And then yesterday I put essentialism into practice.

Today was a tougher day than yesterday, because I hit a common mom difficulty: there was more that I wanted to do than I could get done in the day.

Here’s the rundown:

1. I read my Bible first. This has been so good to get back in the habit of doing this FIRST. I really love the insights and convictions that come from Scripture. So far, so good.
2. We had family Bible time and breakfast. Still, going well.
3. School time and chores went fairly well. But one of the kids needed me to assign the rest of the year’s worth of schoolwork which basically took over my “free time” all morning. (I had pre-assigned schoolwork until about 6-8 weeks past our son’s birth, and had finished all the other kids’ assignment books but hadn’t done this one.)
4. I got back word from the editor for a Bible study job I’d taken that I’d misunderstood part of what they were asking for. Though he said there was no rush, I knew that later in the week, we’d be going out of town, and so this suddenly took priority, even though I thought I was already done. I needed to get it done ASAP.
5. Doug had told me he wanted to go over his sermon with me during nap time, at 2, and to be done with lunch, so we started lunch at 12:30, and I was set to help him at 2. Only, you know what I wanted to do… I wanted to knock out my Bible study job first.

This brings me to the next idea you have to deal with if you’re going to embrace essentialism.

PRIORITIES

TODAY, I had three opportunities that stick out in my mind that presented me with conflicting needs:

1. My son’s schoolwork needed to be written out, but I’d planned to do read-alouds with all the kids.
2. My husband wanted to go over his sermon together, and had asked me to do so, but I wanted to be finished with the Bible study job and complete my assignment.
3. Later in the day, at 5, I wanted to run to the local thrift store (and have a nice bike ride) before it closed at 6pm. But the baby needed to be nursed and I hadn’t made dinner.

So, this is why it’s important that we get clear on our “WHY” first. When conflicting “needs” come up, we need to look back at our priorities… 

• So #1 was conflict between teaching our children well and reading aloud to them. I ultimately decided to write out his schoolwork so that he could get going on his work. I still read a book or two aloud to the 4-year-old but whole-family read-alouds got pushed back a day. Sometimes things get shuffled around.
• #2 was a conflict between helping my husband and MY WANTS (something NOT on my priority list), just something I wanted to do that comes AFTER the things that have a higher priority for us in this season. So, I put off the completion of my writing job until after I helped Doug by listening to his sermon and hashing out edits and points for clarification for a couple hours. I WAS still able to finish, but I didn’t get it back to the editor quite as lickety-split as I’d hoped.
• #3 was a conflict between MY WANTS (something not on my priority list) and being busy here at home. The kids needed dinner, and my baby needed to eat. So the kids took turns snuggling Luke while I made breakfast burritos (yes, breakfast for dinner), and then I sat down to nurse him after dinner was made. I didn’t make it to the thrift store, or get my bike ride in. That’s OK. Sometimes the “want to”s don’t happen.

At the end of the day, even when what we “want” doesn’t happen, or we feel like we’ve let certain things slip, if we’ve lived life according to our principles the best we can, we can be at peace .

RESTING IN GOD’S SOVEREIGNTY

Rock-solid confidence in God’s sovereignty makes it possible for us to drop things, or not get everything done, and still be at peace.

My deep-seated belief that God is sovereign over all things enables me to have a day where priorities go awry, or even a day that goes completely haywire, completely contrary to how I’ve planned it, and yet not despair.

When I believe that everything is on my shoulders:

• to get it right
• to do it all
• to pull it together
• to be the “right” sort of mommy (not a sinner, not a needy person)

then I am operating as if I am God, and the way the day goes is up to me. (We talked about that recently, remember? That’s being a FOOL.)

But when I believe that God is sovereign, and that He only puts on my shoulders the load that I can bear, and only expects from me the things that I am capable of, then I can trust Him:

• to get it right
• to do it all
• to pull it together
• to be ALL that I need (recognizing that I am a needy sinner)

When I am confident of God’s sovereignty, I am FREE.

Oh yes, I still have to do my part, but I no longer have to do it as if everything is riding on me.

• I am FREED to have a “good” day without feeling like it’s all because of me.
• I am FREED to have a “bad” day without feeling like it’s all my fault.
• I am FREED to have an “ugly” day without feeling like I’ve blown it and am the worst mom or human being ever.

God’s goodness frees me from the need to perform perfectly as a mom.

When I know the truth about:

• God (that He will do all that needs doing)
• Jesus Christ (that He has already lived the perfect life)
• the Holy Spirit (He is at work in my heart to help conform me to the image of Christ)
• and me (I can never “do it all”)

I can be at peace, even amidst my limitations and inabilities. Instead of doing-doing-doing and going-going-going, I can let the goodness of Jesus flow through me, fueled by the Spirit alive inside me and His Word at work in my heart and mind.

The Gospel is the answer to my inability to “do it all,” and it frees me to be the mom I am– “just as I am” — muddling through one day at a time, learning and growing without the pressure of perfection.

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Posted in Grow as Homemaker, Grow as Mom, Grow as Wife
Tagged home management, homeschooling, mom, priorities, the Gospel, wife

In parenting, not everything can be in bold print.

We can’t emphasize EVERYTHING and have our children “get it” all. We just can’t.

• IF YOU’VE EVER SEEN SOMEONE WHO TYPES EVERY MESSAGE ON FACEBOOK IN ALL CAPS, you know it’s true. After a few sentences, your eyes glaze over. It’s too much to take in. It’s impossible to believe that it’s all as important as the capitalized print seems to indicate.
• If you clicked on this article and everything was bolded, the bolding would cease to mean anything, and would actually detract from the ability to take away one or two salient points.
• If you and I were talking, and I raised my voice to a loud yell, and proceeded to yellingly emphasize everything in our conversation over the next 45 minutes, you’d soon feel mentally overwhelmed and exhausted by the emphatic nature of my speech.

The same is true with the time we’re given with our children.

We can’t emphasize every possible “good” thing. During the years that they are under our authority and care, we can only BOLD certain things in their hearts and lives.

What’s BOLDED in your home?

• Music?
• Grades & academic performance?
• Classical education? (Or some other niche– a particular curriculum or style?)
• Sports?
• Cleanliness/order in the home?
• Literature and books?
• Character?
• Entertainment/TV/movies?
• Lockstep obedience/perfectionism?
• A certain style of eating or only certain foods?
• Humor?
• A particular doctrinal slant or unique/unusual conviction?

What is most highly prized?

Are you trying to BOLD everything in life?

Or, potentially worse, are you BOLDING the wrong things in life?

WHAT IS OF FIRST IMPORTANCE?

And more, what should be emphasized? Consider what Paul said was the most important thing he taught to those under his authority (from 1 Corinthians 15):

 I delivered to you as of first importance what I also received: that Christ died for our sins in accordance with the Scriptures, that he was buried, that he was raised on the third day in accordance with the Scriptures 

Is this– the Gospel of Jesus–  what you deliver to your children “as of first importance?”

I have to tell you, this is convicting for me, and I want to do better at this… making Christ’s death, burial, and resurrection the very CORE thing… the thing of FIRST importance… the BOLDED truth in our home.

Not everything can be bolded, but the Gospel should be written in bold print across every Christian home.

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Posted in Grow as Homemaker, Grow as Mom
Tagged essentialism, the Gospel

Due to the Josh Duggar sex abuse revelation, there is a lot of talk. Everyone has their opinions, but we don’t know all the facts, and even if we did, there’s nothing we can do at this point to affect real change in THAT situation. So I don’t want to get into an in-depth conversation where we attempt to Monday-morning quarterback things that happened in someone else’s family more than a decade ago.

But there are things I know about sex. There are things we all know. There are biblical truths and facts about our bodies that are undeniable.

And I think those facts ought to influence how we parent.

[Please note: under each fact below, I share how that fact influences the ways that Doug and I parent our seven children. I want to point out that our oldest child will be 13 this summer. What that means is that I’ve done a good portion of this multiple times over now, but it also means that there is a large portion that I have NOT done. In those areas, I am sharing out of observation of wise and unwise practices of others, the teaching of biblical truth that I have received, and the plans that Doug and I have thought through in regard to how to handle future things. I am a Christian woman writing as a fellow-traveler who has some thoughts about these things, rather than a seasoned guru who has raised forty-two godly children to adulthood.]

While we can’t solve every problem “out there,” we CAN bring about change within our own homes and families. 

Here are NINE facts about sex and the ways they affect our parenting:

#1- Sex is DESIGNED BY GOD.

So there’s no reason to hide from it or pretend like it doesn’t exist. It’s not some sneaky hidden thing we never talk about. Children growing up in Christian homes should not be the most ignorant about sex, but rather, should be the most clear about God’s good pleasure in it, and what He made it for, and what it’s not meant for. 

#2- Sex within His parameters is GOOD.

So we don’t treat it as if it is bad. It is not. We don’t try to hide that we like touching, playing with, kissing, and being around each other. A godly couple being physically connected is a wonderful thing, and our children should (in appropriate ways– through hugs, winks, hand holding, kisses, snuggles, perhaps things like loving pats on the bottom, etc.) know that we love each other and that we share a unique, physical relationship that is different from simply a friendship or close family relationship.

#3- Sex outside His parameters is SIN and ALWAYS ENDS BADLY. 

So we don’t treat it as if it is good in any way. It is not. We don’t watch movies or TV that celebrate sex outside of marriage (whether as teens, as dating couples, as adultery, or in homosexual relationships). No matter what, even if our hearts or inward lusts want to pull us down the path of liking the story (Titanic, reality TV shows with dating couples, Bridges of Madison County, Fifty Shades of Gray, etc.), we clearly communicate that sex outside of a one-man, one-woman marriage is bad. Because it is.

This is not a gray area in our home. These boundaries are clearly defined and talked about. We do not couch sin in more appetizing language: “affairs,” “got physical,” “no one can really judge,” “making out,” “different strokes for different folks,” etc. This isn’t bigoted against any group. It’s biblically judging ALL sexual activity according to God’s standards. It provides the backdrop for every TV show we watch (if something unexpected comes up, we pause to discuss as needed, etc.), every extended family situation we encounter (“how can she have a baby? she’s not married…” “why are there two men together?” etc.), and every future sinful temptation they may feel. This is part of an ongoing, continual conversation in our home.

Simply put: sex, in any form other than inside of marriage, is sinful. We want to communicate this clearly and often in our home.

#4- Sex is a COMMON, POWERFUL TEMPTATION.

There is no temptation that will overtake our children except that which is common to man. What is common to man is this: they have bodily urges that will likely drive them TOWARD sexual expression. Paul described the desire as “burning.” We would be doing our children HARM if we didn’t assume that most of them will encounter challenges to their character in this area.

Many of the Bible’s “greats” fell prey to its tempting pull: David (with Bathsheba), Lot (drunk, with his own daughters), Samson (with a idolatrous wife), Solomon (with an insatiable desire for sex, he possessed hundreds of wives and concubines) and others. So, because we know this, we do not treat our children as if they are going to, all on their own, be innocent as doves until their wedding day without great assistance, accountability, education, governance, and discipleship.

We don’t treat them as if they are stronger than some of the most God-fearing men that ever lived. We don’t act as if sex isn’t going to be a draw in their lives. We don’t treat them as if they can endure the temptation of everyone in the world around them seeming to know all about this thing that they seem to never stop doing and talking about, and not have any internal pull of curiosity and exploration. We don’t act in ways that would indicate we don’t think our children could be tempted “by THAT.”

Basically, we don’t treat our children as if they are Jesus incarnate.

No, instead, we recognize that “THAT” (sexuality) is something that tempts almost all of us in one way or another. We recognize that they are sinners, with great potential for foolishness and wickedness in their hearts. And therefore, we do not put our children in situations where there is easy access to sexual content or sexual contact if it all possible. When there is not the ability to protect against this (say, she is getting to the age where she will go to college and have internet access outside our home, or he will be around friends with internet-capable devices for a few days’ time), then we talk explicitly and purposefully about what temptations will exist, how we can war against them, what measures can be in place to bring accountability and wisdom into the situation.

We also teach God’s Word to them, clearly, in regard to the potential temptations and sins they may face or be surrounded by. We remind them of the Gospel: their need for Christ, and His full payment on their behalf, so that they might be freed from the power of sin in their lives.

Certainly careful, purposeful sheltering may be a significant part of our parenting while they are young, but ultimately, temptation comes to us all. It is not sheltering that can save my children, but it is ultimately God’s Spirit alive within them and His Word ruminating in their hearts and minds that will bring conviction, shape their hearts, and keep their character. Over time, it is the Gospel that will guard my children in this area of their God-given sexuality.

CHRIST IN OUR CHILDREN, at work in their hearts, is what can save them from their sin. Nothing else. 

#5- Sexual sin is “OUT THERE.”

Real life in our real culture necessarily means that our children will encounter sexuality in all its depravity. It’s on book and movie covers at Costco. It’s on commercials and advertising posters. It’s on the roadside billboards and packaging at the grocery store. You can’t get away from the lure of sex. It is OUT THERE.

Which means, we deal with it. We do not treat it like it does not exist. We talk about what to do with our eyes… but we don’t stop there. We talk about what to do with our hearts. “How do we avoid taking in wickedness and cherishing it inside?” “How can we honor God with our thinking?” “How can we honor other women and men– even those who have let pictures be taken of themselves– by not treating them as things? How can we treat them as fellow image-bearers of God?”

#6- Sexuality is something OTHER PEOPLE MAY TRY TO TAKE.

It happens in situations of molestation. It happens in situations of rape. It happens when a teen friend sidles up to another friend and says “look at this” and holds out an image on his phone, stealing innocence and introducing sexual thought and visuals where there was none. It happens. And it happens frequently (yes, even in the homeschool community if you haven’t been paying attention to Doug Phillips and Bill Gothard and Josh Duggar and whoever else comes out next).

The first time I remember hearing about sexual molestation was in a situation with a distant family friend in a church circle we had attended for a short time. The main thing I heard was something commonly said in these situations: “We would have never thought it would be Tom. He was such a NICE man. He was a deacon, served faithfully, and was so friendly.” Again and again I’ve heard these same refrains… I’ve heard them enough to make me be kind across the board, but to be extremely cautious in who I entrust with my children.

Being “nice” is not necessarily a sign that someone will not abuse children. Being a “leader” in church or Christian community is not necessarily a sign that someone will not abuse children. I don’t want to be suspicious of everyone in the world, and yet, I want to be shrewd and wise. I try to pay attention and look for signs of sexual abuse and lack of supervision within families. These two things (signs of sexual abuse and lack of supervision) make me cautious and unlikely to leave my children in someone’s care.

The statistics are startling:

• About 25% of girls are sexually abused before age 18
• About 10% of boys are sexually abused before age 18
• 82% of juvenile sexual abuse victims are female
• 13% of youth report receiving unwanted sexual advances and sexually explicit material via the internet
• about 60% of sexual abuse is by known people who are not family members (i.e., babysitters, family friends, neighbors)
• about 30% of sexual abuse is by family members
• about 10% is by strangers
• The younger the victim, the more likely it is that he/she was abused by a family member.

So, as a parent, what does this mean for you?

How will it affect your policy about sleepovers? What about who you trust to babysit? How will you warn your children about the possibility of sexual predators? What about how soon and how often you leave your children in the care of others? How soon will you allow devices, under what circumstances, and with what precautions? And what about the friends they are around? Will you allow them to be around friends who have phones and tablets? At what ages? How will you handle group settings where you may or may not know all the people present? And there’s a lot of “other people” living right there in your home… how will you protect them all from one another and from the sin within themselves?

Here are some of our norms (I share these not to compel you to follow in our footsteps, but to give you an example of how we sort these things out and to give you some ideas for things you may need to consider.):

• Our family does not, generally, participate in sleepovers. There is an occasional exception when we need to travel for a conference and need someone to watch our children. But for us, this is where the line has been drawn.
• Our family does not, generally, have internet-accessible devices without parental controls. Once they get to an age where they are around friends with internet-accessible devices, we have already talked explicitly and often about pornography, its fleshly pull, its damaging outcomes, and the seriousness of that sin.
• After they are out of the crib, we separate children by gender, and do not generally put them in the same bed with one another (though hotel stays and short-term travel have sometimes necessitated it).
• Except for short in-home situations (i.e., “please play blocks here in the living room with the 3-year-old while I go lay down the 1-year-old”), we do not currently leave our oldest, preteen boys in charge of our other children. This is not because we think our sons are terrible, wicked people likely to do horrible things. NO! They are delightful, and absolutely splendid with their younger siblings. They will make WONDERFUL husbands and fathers one day! Rather, we recognize that every human being has an inbuilt propensity toward sin, and that pre-teens and teens are still learning to manage and sort out their own hormones and physical responses. so we do not put our older children in situations that may provide unaccountable access and opportunity to lord over another, smaller child. We also recognize that there is a mix of hormones, curiosity, and sin nature residing in the bodies of our children… these are common “ingredients” that may lead an otherwise “good kid” to act foolishly if given the opportunity. Perhaps in a few years’ time, once we have enough children to have a plurality of babysitters (i.e., perhaps 3 children who are all responsible & trustworthy), then we may consider letting them (in a group) keep an eye on younger siblings while we have a date or something. But at this point, no matter how badly we might like time “just the two of us,” it’s just not worth it. There will be all the time in the world once the kids are gone for us to go out alone how ever often we feel like, but right now, our top priority needs to be the protection and oversight of these children God has entrusted to our care. And that means thoughtful, shrewd protection from sinners *outside* our family, protection from one another, and protection even from themselves and their own foolishness.
• We generally keep our kids close to us. Our default position is “near enough” to our children to hear and correct sin, and keep them from habitually acting like fools. Yes, in the short term, that’s harder work, but in the long run, I think it’ll make for less regret.
• We also regularly (probably 4-6 times a year in a purposeful way) talk with our children about the privacy of their genitals, and what God’s purposes are for their bodies. We talk specifically about who is, and who isn’t, allowed to see/touch their private areas (mom/dad if helping with toileting or bathing, and occasionally the doctor if there is a problem). We ask pointed (but not leading) questions about if anything has happened that has made them uncomfortable, if they’d like to ask us or tell us anything, if anyone has done anything or said anything to them, etc. (I plan to share more about this in a future post, but don’t want to get derailed here getting into all those specifics.) From a young age, we regularly use books and media, and purposefully educate our children about what the Bible says about sex. Through on-going conversation in daily life, we work to instill caution and wise discernment in our children in this area of sexuality. 

SEE THESE ARTICLES FOR MORE SPECIFICS:

It is wise to recognize the reality of these statistics, and that sexual abuse happens even among those in conservative Christian circles, and adjust your parenting procedures (which sometimes may require you to be quite different from “norms” around you) to protect your children. 

#7- Sin is NOT ONLY SOMETHING “OUT THERE;” it is “IN HERE.”

Here is where many of the systems that have captivated homeschoolers have stopped. Sheltering can not be our primary, long-term strategy. Keeping them from “that wickedness out there” is not (by itself) a sufficient parenting method.

Now see, here is where I have to be careful that my own wounds do not unduly influence my words.

You see, I was the not-good-enough public schooled girl with too much black eyeliner and a past. I was the one that the plaid-donning, pristine, ATI homeschool girls were not allowed to be around. But the thing is: by the time I met them, Jesus had truly captured my heart. I really wanted to walk with Him and learn to be a disciple. Yes, I had a past, but my Good Shepherd had come after me and drawn me from my wandering back into His fold. He was doing a major course-correction on me. But they were focused on keeping their daughters from external, perceived bad influences. And I get that, to a degree, so I don’t want to be too hard on those mamas. They were doing the best they could.

But here is where my concern comes out: I’m not sure many of those pristine homeschooled girls were ever told (in fact I’m not sure their parents even believed) that their biggest potential problem in life would be their own stinky, self-centered flesh. Instead, I think they were often (whether by words or simply by example) encouraged to look at and avoid the potentially-bad stuff in other people, nd perhaps never told to examine their own hearts for the sin lurking there.

And please, hear me: this isn’t me casting stones– this is the main problem we all have.

We– ourselves– are all just rotten sinners. It’s what comes naturally to every single one of us. We selfishly want to wield kingly control over everything and everyone around us. We don’t need exposure to pornography in order to be sexually sinful in our minds. No one forces us to have hatred and foul judgments well up within us, and selfish desires and envy and greed rise to the surface of our hearts. These things spring out of us! We have foolishness, wickedness, and the potential for terribly vile behavior all right here within our own skin.

Oh yes, the companion of fools will suffer harm, but we don’t have to continually rub shoulders with fools in order to suffer harm, because you see, our most constant companion is US, and we are utterly wicked at heart. Each of us, without the grace of Christ and the Word of God running through our minds, is very likely to be WRONGLY counseling our own heart. So even without fools for companions, we constantly have OURSELVES with us, which leaves us walking around all the time with a sinner as our biggest counselor.

So then, as parents, we must be careful with the people “out there” but we also need to teach our children the truth about themselves: that they are sinners. And we must teach them how to fight sin. While we certainly can and should exercise discernment and caution in the influences around our children, we can not stop there. We cannot be satisfied to just teach them to avoid the bad influences “out there,” but rather, we need to be teaching them to fight sin in their hearts, and lies that they’re believing, that would destroy them from the inside out.

We should watch our children with discernment, seeking to learn what their individual set of struggles (as we each have a propensity toward particular sins more than others) may be, and protect them even from themselves, as much as is possible while they are in our home. Which means certain children may have different ages they can, for example, get a Facebook account, or be given the freedom to go to an event with same-aged peers, or be able to read or watch certain things. When we recognize that our children are individual sinners, we realize we are not only charged with protecting them from the influence of bad company, but also charged with helping protect them from themselves.

Of course, in addition to all of this, WE MUST NOT BE HYPOCRITES. We cannot claim to believe that  God is working to bring us into conformity with the image of Christ, that all things are possible for Him, and that He is able to change hearts, but not be submitting ourselves to that constant work of change. We must be doing battle with sin… we cannot teach them what we do not know. We must live before them life as a disciple and invite them to join us as co-journeyers.

While Doug and I are clearly the primary authorities God has set over our children, we are also fellow beggars before God. Everyone in our home– including the two of us– is in need of the grace and light of Jesus to invade our hearts and draw us toward conformity with Christ. It is not enough to teach our kids “what’s right” — we must be living before them a life of increasing devotion to and delight in Jesus.

As our children grow, we have conversations of increasing depth and frequency, about the reality and the draw of of sexual sin, and how it will consume your life and steal your joy. As they approach young adult life, we begin having conversations about the beauty of sexual intimacy within marriage, how it typifies Jesus Christ and the Church, and why it is good and pure and desirable and honorable within God’s defined parameters.

Suggested resource for parents of pre-teens-and-up: Passport2Purity

#8- AFTER THE FALL IN GENESIS 3, PRIVATE PARTS ARE COVERED.

We aren’t told explicitly what parts Adam and Eve covered after the Fall in Genesis 3, but it is clear that Adam and Eve’s attempts at self-covering weren’t adequate. God slaughtered an animal and gave them “garments of skins” to wear, which certainly would have been more fully-covering than their own loincloths made of leaves.

What this means for us as parents is that we don’t treat nakedness as funny/cute/something to joke about. We clothe our children from a young age in a similar manner to the ways we desire for them to continue… that means, we don’t encourage clothing in either gender that shows off their private parts, clings to their bodies, or sexualizes them. We are discreet in the photos we take (and share).

Modern women often say, “I should be able to wear whatever I want, others need to control their own minds, eyes, and hands. I’m not responsible for their lust.” And some mothers internalize this message and think their children should be able to wear whatever (or nothing) and go unscathed, without dealing with the lusts of others. But the truth we all know (see #6 up there) is that other people are sinful. At no point in life on earth are we living in Heaven. We aren’t working with a bunch of saints. And even if you assume that everyone in church is a saint (which I believe is a faulty assumption), we are not all fully sanctified saints.

And in our homes, we still need to be careful. You might be thinking, “oh, come on! They’re brother and sister! That’s not an issue for them.” Well, considering recent issues in the news, and probably other stories that have happened in your own extended family or extended church family, I’d encourage you to reconsider.

God has made us as sexual beings. Because we are sinners, when we are left without guidance, accountability, and correction, those desires can come out in a variety of sins. 

Please understand: I believe that sexual abuse is always wrong, no matter how someone is dressed. A woman who is raped was never “asking for it.” A child who is molested never “deserves it” because of how they are dressed/not dressed.

And yet, because we know that we are surrounded by sinners, we want to wisely, discreetly clothe our children (before they are able to decide these things for themselves). Because we live amidst sinners, we clothe our bodies in ways that do not show off or draw attention to our private parts. Clothing our private parts in ways that inspire the imaginations of others to wander (or that give a pretty full picture of what is underneath) is not loving to the people around us and does not honor God’s practice of covering that began immediately after the Fall. So we cover our private parts. We cover them at home. We cover them away from home. We cover out of respect for God and others.

#9- Sexual response is something physically inbuilt.

There are physical things happening inside and outside of every adolescent body that are drawing out inbuilt responses.

We need to talk about these things with our children as it is appropriate. Yes, that makes for some sometimes uncomfortable topics. Wet dreams. Masturbation. What to mentally “do” with curiosity or sexually explicit images that come our way. We share with them that just because you feel a physical thing happening, it doesn’t mean you have to act on it: we are thinking human beings, not just instinct-driven animals. We tell them, “God has built your body to respond in certain ways so that when the time is right with your husband/wife, you can enjoy sexual intimacy to the fullest.”

It does our children no favors for us to KNOW about reproductive-oriented things that WILL HAPPEN to them (whether that’s periods for girls, wet dreams/erections for boys, and hormonal and physical changes for them both) but never clue our children in to these things. In fact, I believe it is dropping the ball of parental responsibility for us to NOT teach our daughters and sons about these basic biological things that God has built into their bodies.

When we talk about these things in our family, we start talking about it before it will happen. And we talk about the context (“Sometimes this might happen when you…”), as well as the long-term God-ordained reason for it (“God made your body in this way so that, at the right time, if God wills, you will be able to make a baby with your husband/wife.”).

Additionally, this means that we do not act as if our pre-teens and teens are not hormonally charged. Our sons and daughters will struggle with sexual temptation. As mentioned above, we do not leave them in charge of younger siblings without caution and accountability (perhaps in groups of babysitters). If in a dating or courtship relationship, they will not naturally (on their own) go the way of chaste behavior and careful interactions… no, that will only come with careful teaching, great purpose in accountability and structure, and the heartfelt participation of the couple in the process.

We are not being loving, purposeful parents if we hide our heads in the sand and act as if our children will not encounter something every healthy child since the dawn of time has encountered. Appropriate, God-centered education about why God has made their bodies as He has is something that loving Christian parents should give to their children.

As parents, we should be a protective force for our children, protecting them from both the outward, inward, and in-built influences that might pull them into sin.

AN OVERALL, ON-GOING CONVERSATION

As I mentioned above, these things are always going on in our home as part of an on-going conversation. This leads to some occasional surprise conversations (conversations that may be more physically specific, or more confessional about sin, than you probably were with your own parents), but Doug and I believe that this is good… our children know that they can come to us when they have questions about something happening with their bodies, or in their minds, and they know that we will not lie to them or cover the truth.

They know that they can ask us anything and receive an honest, loving, biblical answer. Continual communication enables our children to have ongoing dialogue with the people who love them best and are most committed to their long-term good (us) about the situations they’re encountering in their real lives. This takes work and time, but it’s oh so worth it.

We may feel nervous to talk about these things, but I believe that is cultural rather than biblical. Biblically, people talked about sex all along the way:

• The Old Testament law talked very specifically about which sexual acts were and weren’t approved by God, and the law was to be taught within the family and read out loud to all of Israel (no mention of kids being separated) annually.
• Solomon recorded the dialogues between he and his bride and included sexually explicit details. He also explicitly taught his (apparently young) son that he should one day be satisfied by his wife’s breasts and intoxicated by her love.
• Jesus mentioned various sexual sins throughout His teachings
• Paul (a single man) talked specifically about both biblical and deviant sexual practices, and even about the norms for sexual intimacy among married couples.

When we avoid talking about these things, I believe we are ranking our own cultural discomfort above the implications of the nine truths above.

Doug and I don’t want to leave our children to flounder in such an important area of their lives. Instead, we want to give them the right framework for understanding sex, and these are some of the ways that we’ve worked to open up dialogue and instill biblical truth into the hearts and minds of our children in this area. 

Thoughts?

Questions?

How have you addressed some of these things with your children?

Related articles:

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Posted in Grow as a Church Member, Grow as Mom, Grow as Wife
Tagged Grow on purpose, how to talk to your kids about sex, how to teach kids about sex, mothering, parenting, sex, talk to your kids about sex, what does the Bible say about sex?

These are the things I return to every time cause they’re just that good.

1. My BrestFriend– Luke’s 3 months old and I’m still using this just about every time I nurse. It left the house with me during the first couple months. It’s the best nursing pillow for a few reasons: it buckles around me & doesn’t slip out of place (unlike the much-acclaimed Boppy), it’s thick and sturdy, and it has two slightly-raised places on either side, so you can place the baby’s head in various positions according to your needs. As a larger-chested woman, I use one hand to support/position my breast (and keep it back so it doesn’t suffocate the baby), and typically use a cross-over nursing position. The My BrestFriend Pillow allows me to have my hands free to focus on nursing, whereas with the Boppy, I always had to use a hand to hold the pillow close in to my body so the baby didn’t slip down (very frustrating!).
2. Rock & Play Sleeper– This bed is the BEST. With our 7 children, I’ve had all sorts of first beds– cribs, bassinets, cradle, and pack and plays. (My daughter’s first bed was a large wicker basket with a lid, no joke! –she was born in Thailand.) This one beats them all. We have used it exclusively since he was born. Here’s what I love about it: baby sleeps on a slight incline, which helps settle his tummy and avoid as much acid-reflux & spitting up, it has curved, wide-u-shaped legs so you can gently rock the baby (on carpet and hard flooring), and it folds up, so it’s easy to transport from one room to another. It also folds flat so you can easily take it on vacation, or to someone else’s house just for the day to make napping easier. I just love, love, love this baby item. It’s become my favorite baby thing.
3. Infant Gas Drops– This is plain-old simethicone, and it has been my go-to fussy-baby-soother since our very first little guy was born, 13 years ago. It’s so effective; a friend of ours called it “quiet juice.” With babies 6 months old and under, I always keep a couple boxes on hand. It doesn’t go into the blood stream, so it’s safe to use multiple times a day, and it is great for soothing fussy tummies.
4. Swaddlers— This is something I didn’t use until baby #6 (to my knowledge they didn’t make them before that). I’ve used two brands: Halo Swaddle Sleepsacks are my favorite, because the baby’s arms are held snug and secure with no means of escape (as long as you’re using the right size!), but I also have some SwaddleMe and I like them too– this brand is less expensive, and it still works well, though I’ve occasionally had a hand slip out and wiggle at the bottom because it’s easier to get out of. I prefer Halo, but they’re both great swaddlers.
5. Floor gym– I like these for that time when newborns are more alert (around 2 months) until they start crawling (for my babies, around 4-6 months). That may not sound long, but the truth is, because they’re not sitting up yet, there’s not a whole lot they can “DO” at this age. This is something they CAN enjoy doing during wake time when they aren’t yet crawling. All my babies have loved interacting with, batting at, grabbing, and looking around at the hanging toys on their floor gym. When they are about to start crawling, I turn them on their tummies, pull down the sides so they are flat, and it gives the baby something to reach for and crawl toward. The other thing I like about them is that, unlike other baby items, the soft varieties of these fold up and take up virtually NO space in the closet, so you can save it and pull it out for the next baby.
6. Interlocking plastic links– I use these to attach rattles, music-players, and toys to the floor gym, car seat, and bouncy seat, so baby has a variety of things to do, hold, and look at when he/she’s just sitting in one spot.
7. Oballs– These are such neat toys for babies, starting with the phase of grabbing everything in sight. The O-mesh-shape on these toys enables babies to grab in their erratic little way and still be able to hook onto the toy. But the great thing about these toys is that they don’t stop being fun at the infant stage. A toddler or preschooler can have just as much fun throwing the Oball as they did grabbing and gumming on it when they were tiny. And my little guys have all loved the Oball cars. They still play with them well into childhood!
8. Babywise– This book helped me develop mommy-discernment and excellent sleep skills in all 7 of our kiddos (who slept through the night– without crying— somewhere between 5 & 12 weeks old). It’s not for everyone, but it’s worked splendidly for our family and I’d be remiss not to recommend it to others.
9. Mid-size food processor w/ plenty of ice cube trays & ziplocs for making homemade baby food– rather than some sort of custom system with small dishes and lids and other nonsense to keep up with, I’ve always preferred to make baby food in a normal food processor, freeze it in ice cube trays, and pop those cubes into large gallon-sized Ziploc bags, pulling out food to thaw and use as needed. I’ve done this with all 7 babies and it’s so easy and inexpensive!
10. Nursing Cover– Look, we all know they’re biologically made for breastfeeding. But…. we all also know they’re sexual, right? Both/and. So, I have this nursing cover and love it, but any nursing cover with a bendable boning insert at the neck will be handy so that you can see your baby while you’re nursing, and allow you to breastfeed without worrying about the watching world around you.
11. Lansinoh nursing pads– Sometimes you’re out and about longer than you intend, and in that case, you want to have nursing pads in your bra! (Or, baby sleeps longer than you anticipate. Again, you’ll want to already be wearing these!) These are my favorites because they are super-absorbent, soft, and I’ve never had one leak (as long as it was actually covering my nipple). Whereas I’ve had other brands that leak often, or are odd-shaped and make strange poky-out spots through your bra & shirt, these are smooth and absorbent. They also wick the fabric away so you don’t ever get or feel wet. They’re the best!
12. 2 yards of cotton fabric for a homemade sling — I love this because it’s a sling, swaddler, blanket, and nursing cover all in one.
13. Orajel teething gel & icy teethers— Because teething is a real thing. And these make it temporarily better.
14. Diaper-style burpcloths– These need to be washed and dried at least 3-5 times before use. But after that, they get better and better. More absorbent… they’re the best if you have a spitter-upper. I also really, really, really like flannel ones; they’re uper soft & absorbent.
15. Umbrella stroller – Umbrella strollers are handy, can fold-up and store anywhere, and are just the thing for a baby over 6 months old. Before that, you’ll often use a carrier or car seat.
16. Cradle Cap Brush– Every infant of mine has had cradle cap– a scaly, thick, hard-to-get-off crust on the scalp. With some babies, I’ve not had one of these brushes on hand and so I’ve had to irritate them with a normal comb & oil, oil, oil, until it all came off. But these cradle cap brushes make it so easy. The bristles are sturdy enough to, in collusion with one another, easily remove the scaly crust, but soft enough that Luke is smiling and happy while I’m using it. Win-win!
17. Boudreaux’s Butt Paste— I’ll be honest, I don’t like the word “butt.” It’s not cause I’m a prude; I just think it’s a rude-sounding word. I remember using it to put people down as a child. So to me it’s not a nice word. That said, this diaper rash cream is incredible enough to get me over not liking that word. It’s WON.DER.FUL!
18. Nursing tank tops. (Amazon doesn’t seem to carry my favorites– which I got at Wal-Mart. Yes, seriously. They’re cheap– $13 each– and LONG so you don’t have to worry about them riding up and showing your postpartum jelly belly.) I LOVE THESE AND LIVE IN THEM the first few weeks with a new baby. And they make great layers anytime you want to use them, for the full year+ of nursing a baby.

Things I’ve Never Had, or Had & Didn’t Use enough to justify space, upkeep, & cost:

1. Swing- While some people use them, I found it to be a huge piece of equipment that is only used for a short amount of time. Even if you get one that is strong enough to swing a heavier baby (past the first month or two), you’ve still got to face the storage problem. Plus, if you use it to get your baby to sleep you’ve created a habit you don’t want to (and can’t, once they’re bigger) keep going.
2. Wipes warmer- We’ve never had one. This one’s just unnecessary. Your baby really will survive and adjust rather quickly to room temperature wipes used on their nether regions. Plus, you won’t have a wipes warmer when you go anywhere else, so why create a habit for something you can’t keep up?
3. Diaper Genie- This should be renamed “stink bucket” (with expensive bags!) If you’re a formula mom (with ultra-stinky diapers), you’ll want to change it more frequently than when this thing is full of diapers, just to keep up with the stink. And if you’re a breastfeeding mom, your baby’s diapers won’t have major stink until you start them on solids. Skip this, and just use a trash can, with tightly-tied grocery bags for the stinkiest diapers.
4. Crib bumper- Even if you do have a super-swank one from Pottery Barn kids or something, this one is totally unneccessary. Plus they keep going back and forth on whether or not they’re safe. Why bother?
5. Baby bathtubs- Newborns can be easily bathed in the sink (or resting on your legs, while you take a bath), and then once they can sit up, they’ll transition easily to the big bathtub (there are even great pinterest ideas– like using a hamper basket– for helping that transition happen). Don’t waste the money or the space on this one.
6. Booties- Our kiddos have skinny feet, so maybe this is unique to our family, but I’ve never used booties, because they simply won’t stay on. They look cute, but they’re truly impractical.
7. Tiny baby bibs – By tiny, I’m talking about bibs with less than a good 6-8 inches in both directions. By the time your baby needs a bib, those tiny ones that look so cute won’t remotely cover the area you need them to cover.
8. Carseat/stroller systems – too bulky & expensive for too little use. See my comments extolling the umbrella stroller.
9. When I lived in TX: fleece footie sleepers. They’re adorable, but pointless and sweaty in hot climates. Never had a use for them. Now that we’re in Washington state? TOTALLY different story and my 2 & 4 year olds practically live in them in the winter. Lesson: consider your climate before you stock up on all wardrobe items that the baby store offers.
10. Baby shoes under size 5– They are only for looks, don’t stay on, and are definitely more trouble than they’re worth.
11. Baby powder & Baby lotion— there’s a reason people say “smooth as a baby’s bottom.” After the crackly-skin newborn period (which happens whether you use lotion or not), most babies don’t need lotion. It’s us old people that need lotion on our skin. (I do know this can be an ethnic thing in regard to skin type so please note that I’m saying this as a white mom.)
12. Nursing shirts with holes/slits — they’re weird. Weird weird weird. And they could leave you revealing more than you intend as they get washed and stretched out of the way they look on the rack at the maternity store. Forget this and just use a normal shirt with a nursing tank underneath.

AGREE with my list? DISAGREE? What say you?

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Posted in Grow as Mom
Tagged baby, home management, homemaking, newborn, stuff

Don’t be offended; It’s the question I’m asking myself:

What would that even look like? What does it mean to be a fool?

Last month I sat in a homeschool conference on the 2nd row of a session by Tedd Tripp. (Can I just eeeeeeeeeek! about that for a minute?)

His topic was distinguishing wisdom and foolishness in the Proverbs. First, he told us “foolishness does not equal childishness. There are things your child will do that are simply because of immaturity and development. That is your child being a child.” (Helpful reminder for mamas parenting little ones!)

Instead, he boiled the whole idea of foolishness down to one statement:

You might be thinking, “phew! Nope. I’m definitely good there. I teach my kids about God. They know for certain we believe in God. I’m not a fool as a mother.”

Wait, wait, wait… it’s not that simple!

Next he defined wisdom according to another proverb:

Maybe you’re a little annoyed now, thinking, “OK, Jess, now I’ve got the whole definition. Fool= “no God.” Wisdom= fear of the LORD. Pretty sure I’m in the clear.”

But here’s the thing. It is NOT ABOUT WHAT YOU DO. It’s not what you say to your child, others, or yourself about what you believe.

It is about how you LIVE.

Truly. In the secret places of your heart.

• When your child has a medical injury, are you immediately panicked? Riddled with anxiety? AS IF THERE IS NO GOD?
• When your son or daughter encounters perilous ideas contrary to what you’ve taught them, are you scared? AS IF GOD DOES NOT LOVE THEM AND WANT TO PROTECT THEIR HEART MORE THAN YOU DO?
• Who or what is it that you’re really FEARING in those moments of danger or despair?
• What is it that your heart is saying you really believe to be true?

Are you believing:

When you look at how you live, is it clear that you are believing these things? Are you living in light of the fear of the Lord?

Or if you look honestly at your actions and reactions, are you believing that it is all on you?

Are you:

• stressed about their physical safety as if an injury or risk is beyond the reach of God and thus must be controlled by you?
• parenting as if their goodness and salvation is wholly on your shoulders?
• worried and unable to function healthily and normally because of your child’s sin?
• perpetually fearful that your child will come to some harm? (I am not talking about wise prudence about truly risky things; I am talking about an ongoing, fixated fear that controls you.)
• believing that you love your child more than your Heavenly Father does, and thus feel that YOU are the one ultimately protecting and shielding your child from anything and everything harmful?
• anxious about their present choices and their future path?

WHICH IS TRUE ABOUT YOU, MAMA?

• Are you living in fear of other things or in fear of the LORD?
• Are you trying to control everything yourself or trusting God as the “blessed Controller of all things?”
• Are you parenting as if it’s all on your shoulders, or continually mindful of your need for God’s grace and sovereign intervention?
• Are you churning with anxieties, or resting in God’s goodness?
• Are you stuck in an endless, pointless search for self-confidence, or living with God-confidence?

Are you a fool as a mother, or are your children fully in the LORD’s hands?

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Posted in Grow as Mom
Tagged God is FAITHFUL, God is sovereign, have faith, mom, mother, parenting, trust God

I enjoy talking about and reading and learning about sexual intimacy for several reasons:

1. Being naked and not ashamed together is part of what God created and called “good” even before the Fall. It is good, and as a Bible-believing Christian, I want to do my part to encourage other Christian wives to see it rightly, as a good gift from God.
2. For years it was so rarely discussed in the church that Christians have been thought prudish. Conversely, our culture deals with it in a careless, flippant way. I work to find a place of balance, talk about it respectfully, circumspectly, and helpfully, and thus benefit and bless the Body of Christ. Through prudent, Scripture-centered discussion, I want to help both married and single believers to have a more biblical perspective on sexuality.
3. This is an area that I personally had to grow in, as part of becoming a submitted disciple of Jesus. Working through my own sinful and sinned-against experiences in this area of sexuality formed part of my early experiences of learning to submit to Christ’s Lordship and truly understanding His grace, forgiveness, and love for me.

For these reasons, and probably more, I write about sex from time to time. While it is probably impossible to address this topic without offending someone, I try to do so openly and yet in a biblically respectful way. 

Today, I want to share with you my favorite resources. They’ve helped me. They’ve helped me help others. They’ve helped me understand the both the physiology of sex as well as the soul-level things God has built into sex. This is an area where I still am growing in my understanding.

CHECK YOUR FOUNDATION:

If you only have time to read one thing, let it be this. 

If any Christian adult, man or woman, asked me for the most helpful article about sex, I would point them here:

• THE MEANING OF SEX by Jonathan Leeman — It’s long, but it is a very thoughtful presentation of a biblical, Christian understanding of why God made sex, and a helpful drawing out of many of the lessons and blessings of marital intimacy. This is a foundational piece that can help provide a good framework for thinking biblically about sex.

If I was asked about the most helpful video teaching about sex, I would point them here:

• MARRIAGE IN GOSPEL FOCUS – I LOVE this WONDERFUL talk by Tim & Kathy Keller (I recommend each of their parts for any Christian to hear!) — This talk touches on culture & its relationship to sex, underlying beliefs of our culture, gender roles within marriage, and how the Bible & specifically the Gospel can help resolve culturally harmful ideas about sex. [Their talk is based on this book.]

Here are some other articles about sexual intimacy that I’ve found helpful over the years:

SORTING OUT CONVICTIONS:

• What’s NOT Okay in Bed? — this delves into some of the questions and helpful ways of thinking about the “gray areas” you’ll encounter as you and your husband decide what you will and won’t enjoy together as part of your lovemaking times. While you may not agree with all of it, I believe it would help any couple by offering some questions and guidelines for considering areas that aren’t clearly spelled out as “good” or “bad” in the pages of Scripture. Takeaway principle: BRING YOUR MARITAL PRACTICES TO THE BIBLE FOR CLARITY OF CONVICTION & CONSCIENCE.
• Beware the Pornification of the Marriage Bed— This is the first article in a helpful series from Tim Challies about keeping the marriage bed free from degradation. Instead of the self-focused sexuality of our culture, God intended us to enjoy an other-focused sexuality within marriage. Takeaway principle: BIBLICAL SEX HAPPENS WITHIN MARRIAGE, & IS FOCUSED ON THE PLEASURE OF THE OTHER PERSON.
• AskPastorJohn: Is Oral Sex OK? — This is Pastor John Piper’s answer (both text and audio) to a common question. Takeaway principle: SEX IN A CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE IS GOVERNED BY CHRISTIAN PRINCIPLES, HIGHEST OF WHICH IS AN OVERWHELMING LOVE THAT SEEKS THE JOY AND PLEASURE OF THE OTHER PERSON (which can mean different answers to this question for different marriages).

COMMON PROBLEMS

• Hormones, Breastfeeding, Pregnancy & Menopause— keeping sex alive when your hormones are out of whack
• AskPastorJohn: My Spouse Doesn’t Enjoy Sex— Sometimes desire is a problem for husbands, and sometimes a problem for wives… no matter whether you’re the spouse who wants it more or less, this can be a difficult, but common, challenge within marriage. This audio teaching from John Piper could be helpful for any couple sorting out differing desires/sexual drives.
• Does God Like Men Better? Why It’s Hard for Women to Reach Orgasm— A common issue among women, and Sheila gives some matter-of-fact advice and raw data about this challenging (but surmountable!) difficulty many couples face.
• When Past Sexual Sin Haunts Your Wedding— Another AskPastorJohn topic that’s very relevant for couples today. Not just for newlyweds, this article addresses the attitude ANY of us should have toward past sexual sin and how we can resolve to keep our marriage bed pure and undefiled before God.
• 10 Ways to Get Turned On By Your Husband Again— I occasionally get questions about this. Our culture acts as if sexual desire is something that, once gone, can’t be rekindled, but that’s simply not true. Sheila’s ideas are good ones and may get your mind flowing in helpful ways that will bring the spark back to your sexual relationship with your husband.

Recommended books about sex, for Christian wives:

(Anytime I recommend books/physical resources, if you click on the link and make a purchase, I may earn a small percentage as an affiliate. I only, ever, recommend resources with confidence and true excitement that they may be of benefit to my readers. Thank you.) 

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Posted in Grow as Wife
Tagged Christian marriage, intimacy, marriage, sex, wife

Today I got to thinking that, in the last week, I’ve said several things to my children that I should take to heart.

Here’s 10 that came to mind.

Did you need to hear any of these today? Which one(s)? 

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Posted in Grow as a Disciple
Tagged authority, electronics, God is at work, God is sovereign, heart change, work

Virtually all Christian women have read Titus 2. But practically speaking, what does it look like? What does it mean for you and me?

Last month, we attended a home education conference with keynotes by Dr. Voddie Baucham.

During the pastor’s luncheon, he took a few moments to address the “Titus 2 woman.” I want to share some of his thoughts (not quoted, but cited as accurately as my notes and memory allow) and then jump off from them:

1. Titus 2 is not one woman leading a group class. 
2. Older Christian women are to BE this. (Not just “a” woman, here or there. All Christian women.)
3. It’s not a classroom setting being described. This is life-on-life discipleship.
4. This is not a description youth group, because this is older married women teaching younger married women. Older mothers teaching younger mothers. Older women who are submitted to their own husbands training younger women to be submissive to their own husbands.
5. Not a de facto “woman elder” (for all practical purposes, without the title)
6. Age frame for “older?” Roughly 30, give or take (gauging from Jesus’ ministry age, as well as the life expectancy of the time.)

CAN TITUS 2 HAPPEN IN A CLASSROOM SETTING?

For my part, I’m not willing to live and die on #s 1 & 3. I see, definitely, that it doesn’t mean this HAS to happen in a classroom setting, but I also don’t see where it prohibits that setting from being used. The classroom is a common MEANS of worldview transmission, in our day and age.

For my part, I’m much more concerned about the specifications of the text being carried out than the setting. The setting described (as I see it) seems to be pretty much irrelevant, because it is the PARTICIPANTS and the IDEAS BEING TRANSMITTED that take center-stage in Titus 2.

To refresh our collective memories, here it is, Titus 2:3-5:

Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.

So, for my part, I certainly agree that Titus 2 isn’t describing a classroom setting, per se, and is describing lifestyle discipleship.

But more than that, I’d argue, it’s not describing a setting at all, but rather a sort of relationship and means of transmission of godliness that God intends for women in the Body of Christ.

I also definitely agree with #5- that this passage is not describing some sort of position on a pastoral-staff, with a “Titus 2 woman” who expounds the Scriptures to all women as if she is a de facto elder to the female portion of the Body of Christ. That is not the sort of thing being described in this passage at all.

WHAT AGE IS A TITUS 2 WOMAN?

He said age 30-ish and up. I am so thankful to have Dr. Baucham weigh in on this. I’d previously only heard one other person (Carolyn Mahaney) actually be willing to put a number on it (she said 60, because of the age given in regard to the  widows list in 1 Tim 5:9). Other people that I’ve seen address this topic tend to dance around the number by saying, “everyone should be a Titus 2 woman… even a 15 year old can have someone she’s mentoring!”

Well, yes… and no. Sure, we can all be discipling (a la 2 Tim. 2:2), at any age, but a 15 year old can not tell a 12 year old how to love her husband.

And while we can certainly talk about marriage with younger women of any age, I agree with Dr. Baucham’s #4- that this isn’t really speaking about an older woman being a youth pastor (or youth pastor’s wife) because it isn’t possible to “train” a 14-year-old how to be “submissive to her own husband.” We might could talk about the general principles of submission (as a believer, as a child, as an employee, as a citizen, as a wife), but this passage isn’t referring to youth ministry, or general discussion of the topic.

So, as far as age goes, I tend to agree with Dr. Baucham. I’ve always thought Mahaney’s number of 60 was really high, given the longevity (or rather, the lack thereof) of people in NT times. So, unless she is a recent convert, age 30-ish and up for “older women” is probably a good and helpful gauge for us.

By that time, a woman should have been walking with the Lord, is likely to have experienced enough trials to have found God faithful through hard times, and should be familiar enough with Scripture to be able to counsel from it with wisdom and discretion. 

This points to the next topic–

ALL CHRISTIAN WOMEN ARE TO BE THESE THINGS

This admonition is an excellent one. Here’s a bit more that he said (this is a rough quote):

“If you’ve been a disciple for decades and don’t know theology, have you really been a disciple? In what other sphere do we accept that logic?” (You can’t be a plumber for decades and not have mastered the subject enough to answer a variety of questions and be considered a reliable, successful plumber. You can’t be an accountant, but twenty years in, still not have the ability to teach people the basics of math and bookkeeping.) 

“Mediocrity should NOT be normative.”

I share Voddie’s concern that, in Christian circles, we have inadvertently adopted an idea that the “Titus 2” sort of woman is an extraordinary one. But she should not be. We should all be this woman, or be on our way to becoming this woman.

This passage should not describe some rarely-seen woman around whom we all gather and try to take notes as much as we can. We should be able to look to virtually ANY mature woman in the church and see a close similarity between her life and this passage.

EVERY Christian woman, unless she is a recent convert, should be accurately described by Titus 2.

A TITUS 2 SELF-EVALUATION:

• Am I reverent in my behavior? Respectable? Appropriately behaving as a woman of God?
• Am I a slanderer? This word is archaic, but the meaning is relevant for us today. Do I pass on stories that defame or make others look bad? Am I quick to believe and repeat things that are negative about others? Do I like to know stories that highlight bad qualities/events in the lives of people around me?
• Am I a slave to much wine? This has become a popular thing to joke about, even in some Christian circles. “Can’t wait to put the kids to bed and chill out with a nice glass of Merlot!” Am I living for mental numbing that won’t actually satisfy? Am I dependent on anything– food, Facebook? Is there anything aside from Christ that is enslaving me?
• Do I teach what is good? Does the counsel that bubbles from my mouth come from Scripture, or… from a mothering forum? …from ungodly sources? …from psychology-based thinking? …from a feminist heart? …from self-promoting, worldly thinking? Do I teach wise counsel from God’s Word, things that are right and noble and encourage others to see the world through God’s perspective and what He calls good?
• Do I “train” (faithfully discipline/teach over time) younger women to be affectionate and loving toward their husbands and children? Do I commiserate with complaints, or fan the flames of love and affection for family in the women around me?
• Do I “train” (faithfully discipline/teach over time) younger women to be self-controlled? Do I encourage others to govern their own spirits and feelings according to God’s Word, or do I massage feelings and encourage women around me to give free reign and full license to their anxieties and emotions?
• Do I “train” (faithfully discipline/teach over time) younger women to be pure? Are the women around me edified to have pure minds, pure hearts, pure consciences, pure eyes, pure words, or by my example and influence, do I encourage people toward worldliness?
• Do I “train” (faithfully discipline/teach over time) younger women to submit to their own husbands? If a friend comes to me with a disagreement she’s having with her husband, is she more likely to be encouraged in her “rights” or to be encouraged and reminded to adapt herself to and align herself under her husband? In regard to marriage advice, do I actively seek the obedience to God’s Word above obedience to culturally-popular attitudes?
• Do I “train” (faithfully discipline/teach over time) younger women to be kind? Are women around me being influenced toward a good-natured and contented approach to life?
• Do I “train” (faithfully discipline/teach over time) younger women with the overarching goal that God’s Word would be given greater credit and honor in the hearts and lives of those I influence? Is this the motivation that drives my interactions with younger women?

(I found the Amplified Bible particularly helpful in illuminating a more full meaning of this text.)

THOUGHTS?

PUSHBACK?

QUESTIONS?

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Posted in Grow as a Church Member, Grow as a Disciple, Grow as a Friend, Grow as a Woman, Grow as Homemaker, Grow as Mom, Grow as Wife
Tagged Body of Christ, conformity to Christ, discipleship, friend, identity, marriage, mentoring, mother, Older women, Titus 2, Titus 2 Woman, wife

One of the reason I think we all giggled as we read through Song of Solomon as kids is because of the bold and unabashed plainness of it all. Breasts are called breasts; thighs are thighs– it’s all so exposed.

NAKED AND UNSHAMED

They are, in the words of Genesis, “naked and unashamed.” There’s no hiding or masking of what’s happening as they admire one another. The book is about their anticipation of marriage, and then, once married, about their covenantal intimacy. As the lovers uncover, discover, and delight in one another, the entangling of bodies is clearly related to their covenantal entangling of souls. Their sexual interactions are a physical expression of the unifying of their hearts.

That in itself is baffling to the average American junior high kid who has been taught through the lens of movies and television that the best sexual interactions are tawdry and illicit, stolen in secret moments, hidden in the dark. Instead of sex as described in Song of Solomon, we’re most used to seeing it as something sneakily used as a litmus test to rate someone else, and, perhaps eventually, to see if you WANT to commit.

Our modern world has boiled sexuality down to the very opposite of what it is meant to be.

Instead of a big-reveal of “naked and not ashamed,” our society does the opposite. Beginning at the very earliest moments of prepubescence, we flirt with the edges, pushing them back-back-back-back-back until there is nothing left that is unique or special about marriage. Kisses? Experienced. Nakedness? Known. Touches and Embraces? Felt. Sex? Had. Sharing a bed and home? Done.

Our society does most of this not just with people they’re not married to, but even, often, with complete strangers hidden in the dark places of the internet.

THE MEANING OF NAKEDNESS

Marriage is meant to be a completely safe place for enjoyment and mutual protection where this risky thing of complete self-revelation suddenly becomes not just acceptable, but GOOD. Instead, American culture has a fixation on revealing ourselves outside of the incredibly rich and satisfying boundaries that God has set.

So I think this leads to a significant misunderstanding of nakedness for many Christians.

God intends is for this physical nakedeness of marriage to be a symbol of all other “nakedness–” no longer are we two separate people.

Nakedness is meant to say:

What’s mine is yours. Domestically. Relationally. Financially. Emotionally. Spiritually. And Sexually. We have joined our lives together and now stand naked and not ashamed before one another. I will not hide from you; I will not mask myself or attempt to conceal what I am or what I have. My flaws and vulnerable places are laid open and bare before you. I am yours; You are mine.

(For a larger understanding of this, check out this great video of Pastor Tim Keller talking about the larger meaning of nakedness.) 

Between the lovers of Song of Solomon, there is this clear, unashamed, unhidden bodily admiration.

Here is where this all intersects with your daily life, wife. 

ARE YOU HIDING IN SHAME?

I fear that many wives primarily experience marital sex while shamefully hiding in the shadows.

• Lights out
• Hiding behind fabric and sheets
• Hiding behind excuses and rejections
• Masking the soul your husband has become fused with
• And masking the body (yours) that is (according to Scripture) his. 

When we do this, we are undoing the great truths God has wrapped up in our physical nakedness. 

For clarity, I am not saying you can never wear a nightgown while making love, or that snuggling under the sheets on a winter evening is wrong. I am, however, encouraging you to consider ways in which you might be avoiding nakedness out of shame or fear. And if that is you, I want to gently nudge you, sister.

Let me urge you to do all you can to shake off the shame you have associated with sexuality.

Perhaps you have shame from:

• molestation/abuse suffered in your childhood
• sexual intimacy stolen in secret moments before marriage took place
• sexual interactions with people other than your spouse
• negative body image
• attitudes inherited from parents or others who have influenced you to wrongly see ALL sexuality as illicit and shameful
• other sexual sin, addictions, or perversions you’ve participated in

BRING YOUR SHAME TO JESUS

Can I just say to you?— THERE IS FREEDOM IN CHRIST, friend.

Shame is a tricky thing because it comes from so many different sources. In the area of marital intimacy, shame comes from 3 primary forms:

• Shame from being sinned against
• Shame from participating in sin
• Shame from wrong attitudes/poor teaching

1- SHAME FROM BEING SINNED AGAINST

If you were:

• taken advantage of
• raped
• molested
• exposed to things
• used as an object for the physical pleasure of another human being,

there is healing to be found in trusting what God says about you more than what others, or even what YOU, have said about you. Your heart needs to be trained to place God’s opinion (which is actually fact) above all other opinions.

This may look like getting together with a trusted friend or biblical counselor, and laying out, verse by verse, the things God speaks over you, if you are His child. Precious, dearly loved, beautiful, treasured, chosen, created, beloved.

When you lay down your own life and live in Christ, no matter what was done to you, these things are true about you. 

2- SHAME FROM PARTICIPATING IN SIN

If, instead of only the shame felt from someone sinning against you, you now carry shame because you participated in sin, that too needs to be brought into the full light of the cross. You can be made new. This is what repentance, the new birth, and a new identity in Christ is all about!

A large number of Christians live with residual shame from committing sexual sin before and/or outside of marriage. If that is you, ironically, (and sadly) that shame is now stealing the full, shame-free joy you COULD be experiencing.

In this way, sexual sin is a joy-stealer and shame-giver, LONG PAST THE TIME when the sin was committed. It lurks in the dark corners of your heart, sucking the life and joy God intends for you within the RIGHT and GOOD use of sex.

This is where a right understanding of REPENTANCE is critical.

Repentance is agreeing with God about your sin. Calling it sin. Judging it fully in your mind as sin. Repentance is not making little excuses about it or treasuring it in your heart.

REPENTANCE FROM SEXUAL SIN IS NOT:

• thinking back on sexual sin with a smile
• calling past sin of any sort “good” in any way
• still being glad you “played the field” before marriage so you were experienced and wiser
• letting sexual memories wistfully come to your mind as if they are still desirable
• looking at past sexual sin with anything other than abhorrence and a desire to never do it again

REPENTANCE FROM SEXUAL SIN IS:

• Moving sin from the mental file marked “illicit/fun/enjoyable/pleasurable” into the file marked “sinful/not what God has for me/wicked/abominable/abhorrent/undesirable”
• Continually turning away from sin, whether it comes up physically, virtually (via the internet/devices), or mentally (via memories, thoughts, and images)
• Turning away from even the physical responses to memories/thoughts/ideas by doing whatever you have to do (this is the “cut out your eye” part of obeying Christ) to help your body agree and live within with the sexual boundaries God has set for you
• Choosing to continually agree with God about what your sin was, and rejecting that sin in any and all future choices.
• Altering the way you think about past sin… no longer treasuring it or calling it “good” and instead re-categorizing those memories and experiences to line up with what God says about each one.
• Turning toward Christ and the sexual boundaries he has laid out for you now, with joy and abandon (for the unmarried, that looks like sexual chastity until/unless God opens your boundary markers to include a spouse… for the married person, that looks like free enjoyment of sexual pleasure with your partner, without shame).

3- SHAME FROM WRONG ATTITUDES/TEACHING

Many women, particularly those in the 40-and-up crowd, carry baggage that comes neither from sexual sin done against them, nor from sexual sin they participated in, but from shameful attitudes surrounding sex picked up from parents, society, and (sometimes) from the church. Though common among that age group, it affects individuals across the age and gender spectrum.

Perhaps it comes in one of these forms, or from one of these messages:

• “Sex was never talked about in our home.” Therefore, it’s sneaky and, at its root, bad.
• “Sex is something boys want, and good girls don’t want.” Therefore, it’s a boy thing, and much to be avoided. Or, conversely, if I want it, I will carry shame and an intense sense that I am wrong for wanting it so much. (Sometimes the husband has a lower drive than his wife, and he can contribute to condemnation and shame for her by implying she is wrong to want it/ask for sex.)
• “Good girls keep their knees together.” Therefore, if I want to please God (whose voice sounds oddly like mom’s/grandma’s) I will do it as little as possible.
• “Sex is for the skinny, fit, and young.” Therefore, if I’m struggling with my weight, or a few months postpartum, or my body is sagging with age and use, I need to hide my body and avoid sex as much as possible.
• “Sex is meant for having children.” So, why keep it up after we’ve had the kids we want? (Many women throw themselves wholeheartedly into the mom role at this point and all but abandon their role as wife.)
• “Sex is a bargaining chip.” Therefore, once I’ve gotten my man, and/or gotten him over the barrel financially/socially, why keep it up? Or, if he’s sinning against me, or generally displeasing to me, I am justified in withholding it. Sex is a tool to be used for control and manipulation.
• “Sex is worldly and wrong.” Therefore, good Christian couples don’t do it more than necessary.

When we get to the root of what we’re believing about sex, we can actually replace those lies for the truth from God’s Word.

We begin to be a disciple of Christ, even in our sexuality. 

• We let HIS messages drown out all others.
• We turn to HIS voice as the one that is TRUE. 
• We let His design of it, and boundaries for it, guide our beliefs and actions.

In all of these, we trade in our shame, and take on His truth. 

WIFE, LEAVE YOUR SHAME BEHIND…

Leave behind shame in whatever form it invades your marriage.

Shame from being sinned against? Gone because of the reality of who you are in Christ. Shame from sin? Gone because of the reality of your sin being forgiven in Christ. Shame from wrong messages? Gone because of the reality that God made sex on purpose, for our good and His glory, to be freely enjoyed within marriage.

These things all would seek to rob us of the beautiful gift of marital intimacy that God means for us to enjoy together with our spouse.  

But God’s grace and beauty can shine brightly in your life if you will reject the shame you’ve taken on, and pull your marital intimacy out into the clear light of the truth of God’s Word. 

LET YOUR HUSBAND SEE YOU

Look at the Shulammite (the bride in Song of Solomon) and the receptive, joyful way she interacts with her husband:

“Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth!” ~Song of Solomon 1:2

“I found him whom my soul loves. I held him and would not let him go…” ~Song of Solomon 3:4

He admires her, part by part:

• cheeks- 1:10, 4:3, 6:6
• neck- 1:10, 4:4, 7:4
• eyes- 1:15, 6:5, 7:4
• as compared to others- 2:2, 6:8-9
• hair- 4:1, 6:5, 7:5
• teeth- 4:2, 6:6
• lips & mouth- 4:3, 4:11, 7:9
• breasts- 4:5, 7:3, 7:7-8
• clothing- 4:11
• feet- 7:1
• thighs- 7:1
• navel & belly- 7:2
• nose- 7:4
• stature- 7:7
• scent of her breath- 7:8

According to God, inside of marriage is EXACTLY THE RIGHT PLACE for our bodies to be seen and for sex to be enjoyed.

With that context, let me plead with you:

LET YOUR HUSBAND SEE YOU. Let him see all of you.

Don’t waste this one life you are given.
Don’t waste your marriage.
Don’t waste your God-given sexuality. 

If you are married, God has given you an incredible gift of free enjoyment of marital intimacy. Pastor Tim Keller puts it this way:

If you have been withholding yourself, avoiding sex, hiding behind excuses, or rejecting intimacy because of shame or wrong beliefs about sex or about your body, God can take the years that the locusts have eaten and give you a renewed joy, pleasure, and oneness with your spouse.

When you are naked before your husband, it speaks volumes about your willingness to let him have all of you. 

The youthful nervousness that comes along with complete bodily exposure becomes sweet when shared with a loving husband. The stretchmarks and sags that speak of changes our bodies have gone through are made beautiful when revealed without shame to the one with whom we have fused our life. The willingness to let even our wounds and scars and imperfect places be seen speaks to a larger willingness to lay even our vulnerable and unsightly places bare before the one we love.

And while these things all image realities in our marriage, in an even more dramatic way, they shadow the way we do all of these things before our God. He revels in our willingness to give him the vibrant, fever pitch unabashed praises and impassioned questions of our youth… He revels in our willingness to bring our hurts before Him and let His light shine into every place where we feel shame… and He revels in our willingness to bring even our ugliest places to His feet and let them all be seen and let Him love us in our ugliness.

FREE TO BE NAKED AND UNASHAMED

The freedom of marital nakedness is meant to image the freedom we have in coming before the King of Kings. Before King Jesus, we can stand without shame, not because our bodies are perfect, but because He sees us with eyes of love. 

May He make this true in our marriages as well.

Christian wife, make love to your husband.

And, can I urge you?, let him SEE you.

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Posted in Grow as Wife
Tagged intimacy, marriage, sex, sexiness, what does the Bible say about sex? Posted on May 8, 2015Author Jess Connell 2 Comments on Fear Full Mothering

Rising up this morning, I turned to Facebook videos before God’s Word. Mistake.

Now the fears swirl:

• What is America’s fate? Economic decline? ISIS infiltration? Wicked leadership? Secularization and moral debasing beyond what already is the case? Same-sex marriage, LORD? Spitting in the face of the beautiful God-designed picture of marriage of Christ and the Church? Heaven help us! (which leads to…)
• What is OUR fate as a family? No longer tucked away in the Bible belt, we live in a pagan part of the country where Christianity = bigotry, where it is not advantageous to have a fish on the back of your car or a cross in your company logo. (which leads to…)
• Are we years, not decades, not centuries, but YEARS, away from my sweet husband, growing increasingly skilled in counseling people from God’s Word, desirous for all those under his care to be well-shepherded and discipled toward Christ, to not be able to be paid because Christians have become so despised? (which leads to…)
• And what of our children? These tender children, Lord? What are your plans for them?
• The kids have testing this morning, Lord… statewide testing which wouldn’t have been required in the Promised Land (ahem, I mean Texas)… which I really don’t care about because clearly standardized testing doesn’t show much of anything beyond good test-taking skills… which I don’t care about except that it will produce a bit of practice in advance of the ACT/SAT… Lord, are we to the point where the ACT/SAT won’t matter a hill of beans by the time our kids get there? Are we that near judgment and downfall as a nation?
• Or are we nearing college so rapidly that I should be doing more to prepare? God, help me. ACT? SAT? Oxford? Engineering programs? Or entrepreneurial endeavors so that they can stand on their own two feet and think with ingenuity if this country is falling? What will best prepare them, Father? Have we already failed them? Are we failing them? Give us wisdom.
• And will there even be any godly young people for them to marry? (I used to fear that more than I do now; I see that while we were off abroad, God has been preserving little pockets of biblical faithfulness in America… praise You, Lord, You’ve called my husband to pastor one of these little pockets. But I still wonder… Oh, God, give them godly spouses who will love them well and raise our grandchildren in the fear of the LORD.)
• This last week two men I respect threw their names in the ring for the presidency. But I have seen generations come and go that have trusted in the might of men. But I call to mind, “We trust not in chariots; we trust not in horses… we trust in the name of the LORD our GOD.”

And that is where my heart turns a corner. Once my fears begin turning to God’s Word, my swirling questions find answers upon which I can stand.

Opening God’s Word, there, I find rest for my heart:

PSALM 93

The LORD reigns; He is robed in majesty; 
the LORD is robed; He has put on strength as His belt.
Yes, the world is established; it shall never be moved.Your throne is established from of old; You are from everlasting.The floods have lifted up, O LORD,
the floods have lifted up their voice,
the floods lift up their roaring.Mightier than the thunders of many waters, mightier than the waves of the sea,
the LORD on high is mighty!Your decress are very trustworthy,
holiness befits your house,
O LORD, forevermore.  

TRUTHS I CALL TO MIND from Psalm 93:

• GOD IS IN CONTROL. — He “reigns.”
• GOD IS STRONGER THAN ANY… ANYTHING. ISIS, same-sex culture warriors, Common Core and educational take-over, the loosening of parental rights and increase in cultural confusion… none of these things are a match for my Father. No matter how it appears on the surface of things, nothing can thwart His ways. — Strength is “His belt.”
• GOD’S PLANS FOR THE WORLD ARE STILL ROLLING ALONG. This current generation and crop of problems is nothing in light of His established throne. — He is “from everlasting.”
• THE FLOODS ARE LOUD BUT GOD IS MIGHTIER. The flooding in my mind is swirling and lifting up its voice: “ISIS! Erosion of parental rights! Moral degradation! Sexual confusion! Educational idiocy! Political shifting! Economic uncertainty!” — but heart, do you see it? Will you embrace it? — “Mightier than the thunders” of these waters, “the LORD on high is mighty!”
• GOD’S PLANS FOR ME ARE FOR MY HOLINESS. Regardless of all the changes, some things remain the same. God cares for me. He cares for my SOUL. He desires a pure Bride and is still at work to purify me. I must know and prize His Word. I should be looking to Him and submitting to His ways. — “Holiness befits your house, O LORD.” 

ONLY NOW… when I look to God, only NOW can my heart rest in the right spot.

Now the prayers flood louder than the churning questions—

God, You have been so very gracious to us… at each turn, caring for us. I know Your kindness better than the lines on my face… Your generosity to us has wowed and thrilled me time and again.

If I lived to be 120 and You never did another thing for me… NOT ANOTHER THING… the only true thing for me to say about Your care would STILL be that You have been utterly gracious to me. You have put food in my body again and again, you have brought water to the dry river bed of my angry, selfish, and sinful life, and to the dead lifeless spirit that only sought its own ways continually, you have given eternal LIFE.

You are gracious and You are good.

You will be GOOD if we are poor and left without income. You will be FAITHFUL if we are left with no choice but beheading at the hands of a masked member of ISIS. You will be TRUE if every voice around me shouts out that you are a myth and mocks me as I fall into ruin. You will be DEPENDABLE if our children struggle in ways I can not currently imagine. 

You will be lifted high above the heavens and honored for all eternity, no matter what the short-term voices of American culture say.

Provide for us, according to Your lovingkindness. Give my children a hope and a future, not for me, but because of YOUR steadfast love. Make Your name glorious even HERE in this depraved place. YOU are the only foundation upon which I will place all my hope. YOU are the only place I want to build my life. YOU are the Rock without any shifting sands. 

And now the soul of this fear full mother has found its rest.

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