Our oldest son, Ethan (14), with his brothers Luke (21 months), and Fisher (newborn)

The misperception is common, and I probably would have thought wrongly about it, too. Back when I was single, or a mom of 1-2 kids, if I’d had to describe what postpartum weeks would look like for a mom with her 8th baby, my eyes might have bugged-out, and I would have had the image of a frazzled woman ripping out her hair, in some state of losing her mind.

And I’m not saying it’s easy-peasy.

Look, it’s still postpartum. I still gave birth to a baby (never easy, at least not for me!). Hormone shifts are real, and for me, the emotions have been stronger this time.

There are other challenges beyond postpartum life. Like: we have NINE PEOPLE who need to eat through every day. And siblings still karate-chop each other, even if they do have a few-day-old precious new brother.

BUT. In some ways, with a little lowering of mom’s expectations, and pitching-in from all these people who like eating and karate-chopping, it’s easier than the earlier me would have thought possible. Here’s what postpartum looked like for me, 11-12 days in, with our 8th baby:

Video Overview:

And here’s a detailed look at the place I did most of my resting (and how I kept our 21-month-old close by) in the days and weeks following baby #8. This is a peek at what my postpartum “nest” looks like, with other little ones:

I really love the gated play yards. Seriously, that was probably my wisest purchase of 2016.

PLEASE SHARE IN THE COMMENTS: What are some ways you work (or are planning to work) to make postpartum seasons more manageable? 

If you want a guaranteed way to have a miserable sex life with your husband, read on.

  1. Seek your own way, only, ever. Make sure the only thing you focus on is how often YOU want sex, how often you DON’T want it, how YOU feel at every given moment, what YOU think your needs are. Focus on your lack of desire; but never do anything to change it or get your head in the game. Never share constructive feedback; just expect him to instinctively “know” what you like. Insist on your own needs and desires, always, first, and only. *
  2. Believe that only you know best about your sexual needs. Forget 1 Corinthians 7. Forget all that “one flesh” business. Don’t listen to your husband’s desires or let them fuel your own. Forget that sometimes your husband’s needs and desires have actually been custom-fitted by a good God not just for his good, but for yours too.
  3. Focus on how terrible you look. Make it your top thought, continually. “I’ve gained 20 pounds.”  “My tummy used to be so tight; now I’m postpartum and lumpy.” “My boobs/bottom are too small/big/floppy/stretch-marked/saggy.” “I don’t have make up on.” “I feel like a fat cow lately.” “No one could like my current body.” Never stop thinking about this. Never turn the lights on. Never let him really see you. Let it affect every sexual response and interaction you have with your husband.
  4. Make sure you only have sex if everything is exactly right. Continually have your radar up for anything that might make it not the exact best moment for sex. If you and your husband have had a fight in the last 24 hours, if the kids might wake up in the next 30 minutes, if you’re not sure you’re in the mood, if the people sleeping in the guest room might hear, if you’re tired, if your friend hurt your feelings, if the lights are on, if your kids made you angry earlier in the day, if it just happened last night, if you’re afraid the kids might hear you, if it hasn’t happened in a long time and breaching the subject is awkward, if you feel mildly miffed for no obvious reason… treat these as all perfectly fine reasons to avoid sex now. The stars need to align precisely. If not, be unyielding like the soup nazi: “no sex for you.”
  5. Use sex as a weapon and bargaining chip. Always make sex the “carrot” he’s working for. If he has a grumpy attitude, left the washcloth wadded up in the sink AGAIN, doesn’t discipline the kids “right”, says something snippy, doesn’t interact with you the way you want, or do things around the house the way you want him to, just withhold sex. Make sure he catches on that you saying “no” is connected to his lack of obedience to your wishes.
  6. Be bitter toward him. Hold things over his head. Don’t forgive unless he confesses and asks in exactly the right way (your way). Never overlook or let love cover his human failures. Don’t talk things through. At most, accuse. Let him know why you’re bitter, but keep up an uncrackable exterior. Be sure you make it hard for him to be vulnerable or ask for forgiveness.
  7. See it as having sex, not making love. Treat it as a physical thing, never spiritual, never emotional. (Bonus points if you can see it as “disgusting,” filthy, selfish, or boorish.)
  8. Focus all your energy on the kids. Or your parents. Or your ministry. Or your friends’ problems. Or Facebook. Or cleaning the house. Give yourself every day, all day, to everything else, anything else, and anyone else but him. Let other people and other things take up all your mental space, heart affection, and energy. After doing all your good, busy things, you want to be sure you have nothing left in your soul, mind, or body for him.
  9. Stop playing with him. Stop laughing together. Stop being vulnerable. Stop flirting. Shut down any silliness. Stop pursuing common interests. Stop acting like the girl he fell in love with and instead start acting like a bitter old woman who hates having fun.

* Note on #1: this is NOT in any way to indicate that women should not seek to understand their own bodies, what feels good and doesn’t, or communicate those thoughts and feelings to their husbands. This doesn’t mean there aren’t legitimate medical/hormonal issues we need to face and work through I do, however, mean to say that when we ONLY and ALWAYS focus on those things, we can lose some of the sheer joy and playfulness that can come from also focusing on our husband’s joy and pleasure.

IN THE COMMENTS (for those who dare): 

  • In your marriage, have any of these threatened the life, health, and joy of your intimate relationship?
  • How do you combat faulty thinking in this area?

Each January, no matter which salesman is pitching the perfect system to plan out my whole life, I’m too much of a realist. I can’t buy the hype that, with a little vision-boarding, this will be my “best year ever.”

That said, I recognize the basic truth that goals matter. What we focus on matters. Expectations matter.

I just want to make those expectations and goals realistic.

EXPECTATIONS FOR 2017

This year, I expect:

  • to have real trials. Maybe some big ones. Last year– 1 year ago today– brought a cracked occipital bone and emergency helicopter ride for my daughter, and (3 months later) a medicine reaction that landed my husband in the hospital, too.
  • to meet some new challenges and adventures that I do not now yet know about. 2016 started without me even knowing about a 93-mile family backpacking trip around Mt. Rainier, and a little Fisher Barnabas.
  • to see God more clearly. This year, through the Old Testament, God gave me a greater understanding of His delight in holiness– and how the Law gives insight into the way set-apart-ness matters to Him.
  • to see others more clearly. This year, I had some insights into ways that I can truly, prayerfully entrust God with my pre-teens & teens. Some friendships have grown deeper this year; I praise God for these transparent relationships.
  • to see myself more clearly. This year, God let me see deeper into my ugly heart, in many ways– especially my anger. I’m still processing that, but I’m truly thankful for how He keeps deepening my awareness of how much I need Him.


PLANS FOR 2017
This year, Lord willing, I’ll be:

  • writing articles each Monday, here at JessConnell.com
  • publishing Mom On Purpose podcasts on Wednesdays. Season 2 starts back on Feb. 1st.
  • spending far less time on social media (Doug & I have set some personal guidelines– off hours & off days– as well as limits set on our Circle— to help me stay faithful with this.)
  • using Productive Free Time in the afternoons to write longer projects.
  • working with our family on some of the goals we’ve set.

2017 CONNELL
FAMILY GOALS
This year, instead of my typical list of personal goals I’ll write in a journal and then lose and forget about, we brainstormed & wrote family goals to post on the wall and work toward together.

Here are our family goals for 2017:

  • Memorize 50 verses
  • Enjoy 10 family game nights
  • Complete 17 hikes (17 in 2017)
  • Visit 3 National Parks
  • 51 miles hiked or backpacked (17 x 3=51 …we’ll probably do far more than this, but we wanted an achievable goal)
  • Spend 5 nights camping
  • 1 walk, jog, or bike ride per week.
  • Observe 52 (device-free) days of rest.
  • Have 12 families over

WE OPTED FOR REALISM

We could have made a goal for EVERY Friday to be “family game night“… but we know that’s unlikely to happen. But 10? …we can manage 10 over the course of a year.

Last year, we hiked over 150 miles over the summer. Maybe more like 200? But we aren’t planning to do the Wonderland this year, and so we wanted to keep our goal achievable.

We’ve got a chalkboard that hangs near our dining table, and the plan is to write our weekly verse on it, there where we’ll all see it multiple times a day. We want to set ourselves up to achieve the memorization goal, and that will help.

It was fun to talk through these goals with our kids, praying that God will help us, and begin dreaming up new plans for the year, together. I’m looking forward to working on these things as a family unit.

In the comments: What are *YOUR* expectations & goals for 2017? Have you ever set family goals?

Well, I had my baby on the last day of November, so this December has been a very postpartum-y month. As you might expect, that definitely influenced what (and how) I shared.

Look below for the posts, and podcasts, from December 2016–

POSTS

PODCASTS

I love these two episodes with Shelley; she shares wonderful practical wisdom:

Happy New Year’s Eve to you!!

Why should you listen to podcasts? Because it’s a wonderful way to be encouraged and learn, while you’re doing something else. You can work out, cook dinner, nurse the baby, fold laundry, take a bath, sweep your floor, or tidy your living room… but engage your mind and heart at the same time!

So, are you missing out on some fabulous audio teaching or encouragement? You might be!! Here are my favorite podcasts, by subject/type (and please share yours in the comments!) :

PODCASTS FOR THE THINKING CHRISTIAN WOMAN:

PODCASTS FOR HOMEMAKING/MOTHERING:

MY FAVORITE PODCAST FOR HOMESCHOOLING:

PODCASTS FOR PERSONAL LEARNING/GROWTH:

And then, of course, I just wrapped up season 1 of my new podcast. It’s an interview-style show, where I talk with purposeful moms about a new topic each week. I’ve had so much fun talking with these women, and learning from them.

Many moms have written in (and left reviews) saying it’s been a blessing and encouragement to them– so, check it out!

IN THE COMMENTS, PLEASE SHARE:

  • Do you listen to any of these?
  • What podcasts do you LOVE?

Every year I’m reminded…

“It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas,
…

A pair of hop-along boots and a pistol that shoots Is the wish of Barney and Ben, Dolls that will talk and will go for a walk Is the hope of Janice and Jen,

And Mom and Dad can hardly wait for school to start again.”

I’ve gotta tell you, this song lyric irks me. I mean, it really really bugs me. It’s made me hate the song that I otherwise really like. Underlying it is the assumption that one can only take (at most!) a few weeks of their own children.

If that is the case… seriously? do people feel this way?… that is a pretty good indication:

  • that your children need your guidance and input, OR
  • that you need to grow in patience, forbearance, self-control, sacrificial love, and so on.

(Or both.)

And no, (even though we homeschool) I’m not talking about everyone needing to be homeschoolers. I’m talking about basic human decency and familial love.

I’m talking about parents who affectionately love their kids, with a long-term committed-to-their-good love, and kids who obey and respect their parents.

Put plainly: If you don’t like being around your kids, you’re in a God-ordained position to do something about that.

Gregg Harris said, “train them until you like them.”

(Read more on that point: “My Kids Don’t Listen to Me“)

It makes me sad that people spend their kids’ childhoods wishing their kids’ away, and then spend their kids’ adulthoods wishing their kids wanted to be nearer.

Maybe the two are related?

That’s all I’ve got today, folks.

I hope you enjoyed a great Christmas, and that, even amidst the HARD of togetherness, you’ll find heart-space to work toward joy and contentment with the people (big and small) that God has put in your life. ~Jess

Also? Check out these related podcasts:

Fight Isolation; Choose Family Togetherness // Mom On Purpose, episode 8:

Stay Connected as a Family // Mom On Purpose episode 9:

This question recently came in:

I was thinking about what you spoke about [in this podcast episode, called “Lean In & Learn from Other Women”] and the thing that stuck out most to me was how you learn most by living life with others. While I completely agree, I am stuck wondering HOW to make this possible.?!!! We are a military family, so moving every couple years is normal for us. Trying to set up camp and make new friends is hard. Some places we’ve had more success than others. One of the biggest issues I feel like we struggle with is life is busy. For us, and for other Christian homeschool and non-homeschool families. Everyone seems to have their own group, set of schedules, activities, etc, etc, etc. In our most recent move, there were two women who stuck out to me as people that I would like to get to know more and learn from, but schedule conflicts seemed to be a problem. I guess my questions would boil down to….What practical ways can you suggest to help make this type of living together a priority? In what ways can I make myself available to opening my home/family to this type of living? Thank you for all you do! Laura

A: First, I used to talk about this more, but since our life has settled down, and I don’t know when you started reading, I want to give a little background. In our 16 years of marriage, we’ve lived in 14 different homes, and about a half dozen or ten different temporary living situations.

All that to say, we’ve moved a lot… so I definitely get where you’re coming from. I know those challenges. So I’ll speak from those experiences & insights gained over the years of being frequent movers. Here are my thoughts:

#1- MAKE TIME TOGETHER A PRIORITY. 

REAL time.

This is something (at least in my experience) that most Americans don’t know how to do very well. Plan to spend at least 3-4 hours with the woman.

  • Don’t do a 45-minute coffee date.
  • Don’t do a lunch where you eat, clean up, and rush off.
  • Plan for a long afternoon spent together, asking questions and/or trading stories.
  • Invite older women to come to YOU during your kids’ afternoon nap time.
  • Or, attend an event together where you have time in the car to talk on the drive there and back.
  • Or, hang out on a Saturday morning where the main event is not going and DOING something, but where you both know that the main event is talking about an issue in your life.

Time together is where we really get to know each other.

Not time spent filled with “doing”– time where you are really visiting, eyeball to eyeball. Recently, during my early weeks postpartum, I invited a woman in our church to come to our house for several hours. She sat on my bed with me and talked through an issue I was facing. She sat here in my messy, postpartum bedroom while I nursed and snuggled the baby. It wasn’t fancy. It wasn’t an event. But we know each other WAY better now than we did before those couple hours spent together.

Include a meal whenever possible, as that seems to deepen relationships faster than time spent without meals. Lunch and an afternoon spent together, taking a walk, playing a game, or just eating dessert and trading stories, is a great way to get to know someone in a deeper way.

#2- GO DEEP, FAST. 

Find someone you want to get to know and learn from, and don’t beat around the bush. Make it your norm to skip past the chit-chat and move to the real and genuine very quickly in your relationships, and quickly in your conversations.

In our years overseas, this became the norm for us. The friends we met and lived life alongside overseas are still some of the people I consider our closest friends. They are people I could call up today, and after a brief “catchup”, we could immediately “go deep.” Really, that’s because even though our time together may have been brief (on average, anywhere from 6-18 months alongside most of these friends), we went deep fast.

  • We talked about real issues.
  • We didn’t hide who we really were.
  • We shared the big stories of our lives– the hilarious things, the factual things, the hardest things.
  • We laughed and cried together.
  • We exposed our real struggles and asked for their real input.
  • They all (for the most part) did the same.
  • We (and others) shared the things that worked well for us, without concerning ourselves about pride, just sharing freely (even from strengths!), with the goal of helping one another.

And honestly, that’s still how we build deep relationships. I struggle with making chit-chat but LOVE the opportunity to go deep with a godly, trustworthy woman.

GOING DEEP & TELLING THE TRUTH TO ONE ANOTHER

One more thought– what does “going deep” look like in a Titus 2 relationship?

Well, it can look any which way in different contexts, but in this one, where you need to go deep fast, or else risk losing the opportunity, I would do the following:

Ask her –outright –for her time & for her wisdom.

Give her permission– verbally, and with your open, eager-to-learn facial expressions and posture– to be honest and not have to couch or soften her real advice. This, too, is a difficult thing for modern Americans.

Even though an older woman may be thinking,

  • “your child just called me by my first name; that’s really disrespectful, rude, and off-putting to me. I don’t like it.”
  • or, “you and your husband are far too sarcastic to one another. Are you able to be vulnerable with one another? Do you ever stop teasing him? Does he feel respected and appreciated, or bullied and belittled, by you?”

she probably won’t say anything like this unless you make it very very very very very obvious that you want her to speak plainly and openly to you about what she really thinks. And, because you need to build this kind of relationship in a timely fashion, you will need to ask explicitly for (and steady your heart to receive without pride, anger, or blameshifting) the plain, unvarnished truth.

Overseas, I received a lot of very blunt and very honest advice and input from older women, like:

  • Most moms nowadays do not spank NEAR soon enough, nor do they spank near hard enough, and that’s why their spankings are ineffective.
  • “You need to forgive and work through bitterness… and then have that hard conversation with [name].”
  • Unless there’s an allergy, kids should gratefully eat what’s put in front of them.
  • “Your son threw one of the ugliest fits I’ve ever seen in all my life.”
  • Be firm and unbending in your discipline, and you won’t have to spank often.
  • “We did what we’re asking you to do. This is not too hard.”
  • etc.

Very straightforward advice and input that many older women now don’t feel free to offer was very commonly spoken, and I’m a better mother because of hearing, receiving, and (mostly) implementing their advice.

So that’s my advice–

  • Make time together a priority.
  • And go deep fast.

IN THE COMMENTS, PLEASE SHARE: Have you been in this position? How have YOU developed deep relationships with other women in a constantly-changing setting of life and community? 

Here’s a detailed look at how, in the first two weeks of breastfeeding, I begin gently prioritizing sleep… so that our whole family (parents, older siblings, and baby included) achieves sanity, sleep, and contentment ASAP. This is the way we’ve done it with all 8 of our babies.

Video outline:

  • 1:00- What method we follow
  • 1:25- Difficulties I work to overcome
  • 2:40- Important factors, & what about “crying it out?”
  • 2:55- How I build & maintain milk supply while prioritizing sleep
  • 3:10- Strategies for waking up a sleepy/sleeping baby
  • 4:10- What does “wake time” mean? How long is it?
  • 4:35- Why & how does the Eat-Wake-Sleep cycle work?
  • 6:40- So, do we do “cry it out?”
  • 7:00- what breastfeeding “success” while prioritizing sleep has looked like for us

APP MENTIONED: BabyNursing

BOOK MENTIONED: Babywise– click to purchase here.

Want to know more nitty-gritty details? Read the 7-part series where I chronicled Babywise with our 5th child.

So… I’m enjoying using the video format as a way of “writing” during these postpartum weeks. My hands aren’t free to type very often right now, but my mouth is free to speak…

but what do you think? Are you enjoying these stream-of-consciousness style videos, or are they too scattered (or… something else) for your taste? Let me hear from you in the comments. 

In the comments, I’d also love to hear:

  • How did/do your postpartum months go?
  • How have you (or haven’t you?) made sleep & sanity a priority during the early months of postpartum life?

So, I just had our 8th baby.

Which means… I don’t know everything, but I know some stuff. 

There was this time, 14 or so years ago, when my first baby was just two months old, that I went to a birthday/blessing party for a young lady in our church. Right when it was time for each of us to share something encouraging with my young friend, my normally-super-calm baby decided to start screaming.

And screaming.

And screaming!!!

I moved to a corner of the room. And then into another room entirely. He wouldn’t nurse; each time I tried, he utterly refused to latch on. Nothing calmed him. He seemed angry. I couldn’t figure it out.

I felt so embarrassed– like an incompetent mom, ruining the whole bash.

The dad (a father of 5) came into the room with something I’d never have expected. It’s the first thing I’ll share with you.

MY 4 BEST TRICKS FOR CALMING AN OVERSTIMULATED/SCREAMY BABY: 

  1. Turn a blow dryer on high and set it on a surface within 3-5 feet of baby (or some other super-loud noise– like a vacuum– that will drown out baby’s crying).
  2. Go outside (or, if it’s bad weather, go near a window) and point out things you see.
  3. Make a constant noise near baby’s ear, for 10+ minutes– “shhh, shhhh, shhhhhhhhhhhh,” repeated over and over — while rhythmically & firmly patting baby’s bottom/back.
  4. Put baby on his tummy over your two knees and go back and forth, bouncing your knees– left, right, left right, left right– while singing quietly and/or patting and scratching their back.

And…

13 WAYS TO HELP YOUR NEWBORN SLEEP LONGER

Each time we have a baby, helping our newborn sleep well, as soon as possible, is a big priority for us. Here are 13 ways we help that process along:

  1. Noise machine (a loud fan, pointed away from baby, can serve this same purpose)
  2. Full(er) nursing sessions… get that baby more of the rich hindmilk!
  3. Get them into a simple Eat-Wake-Sleep cycle. This helps wake times be happy/full-tummy times, and sleep times be when their tummy is getting emptier.
  4. Swaddling
  5. Sleep positioner (note: I only use the two-sided portion of this product, not the incline.) Our newborns sleep better on their sides, and so I use this to position them safely, slightly on their side, until they are old enough to sleep how they please in a crib.
  6. Sleep wedge (if spit-up/acid reflux is a problem) or an inclined baby bed like this one.
  7. Bouncy seat (if you are nearby– do not use this without you being at baby’s side)
  8. Let baby sleep next to you on the couch, wedged between your leg & back of couch. When they start to rouse, you can gently, rhythmically wiggle your leg, or pat their tummy, and help gently soothe them back to sleep.
  9. Put baby to sleep in the noisy living room. Yes, I’m serious. Let the toddler run and play nearby, etc. If you have your baby do this early, it will teach them to be excellent sleepers who do not easily wake up to noise/disturbance. Ironically, doing this regularly with your newborn will produce a less-easily-wakable baby.)
  10. Use gas drops (for general fussiness, as well as gas/reflux problems)
  11. Less clothes/more clothes (baby could be hot, baby could be cold)
  12. Use a pacifier (but not if you’re having any milk supply issues or problems nursing!)
  13. Give a bath right before they go to sleep.

IN THE COMMENTS, please share: 

  • WHAT IS MISSING ON MY LIST?
  • How do YOU get your newborn(s) to calm down and sleep longer?

People say crazy things to pregnant ladies. But it doesn’t mean we have to take those comments in to the deep places of our heart.

We talked about one of those, last week: “Your Daughter Needs a Sister!” (an Acceptable Christian Lie). One commenter shared how the classic comment, “it doesn’t matter what it is as long as it’s healthy,” can be hurtful for the mother who knows her child will come out with some sort of disability or physical challenge.

Of course, most people *aren’t* thinking when they make these chit-chatty comments. But then moms are left thinking about the comments we’ve received.

What do we do with them? How should we think about them?

Here’s how I address & think about weird comments I get during pregnancy.

Video outline:

  • 1:40- What should be our response to strangers who make comments?
  • 2:30- What really matters, and what we SHOULD focus on, when someone makes a comment to us
  • 3:10- How I dealt with one of the rudest comments we’ve ever gotten
  • 4:00- What I think about the classic comment: “as long as the baby’s healthy”
  • 5:20- What comes out of our mouths to pregnant women?
  • 5:40- What does it mean to counsel our own hearts, with biblical truth?
  • 6:20- The reminder I give myself at the end of every pregnancy
  • 7:50- Biblical truth pregnant women can rely on, no matter who God sends to join our family

READ the article mentioned in the video:  “Your Daughter Needs a Sister!” (an Acceptable Christian Lie)

To hear more of my thoughts about Fisher Barnabas & our thoughts about whether or not we’ll have more kids, check out this video: 2 DAYS POSTPARTUM: WILL WE HAVE MORE CHILDREN?

IN THE COMMENTS: How do you think about and process the comments you get at vulnerable times, like during pregnancy?