As a mom, there is a limited amount of time I have for people outside of our four walls, but Facebook is sneaky. It makes me FEEL like I can commit fully to people both inside, and outside, of our walls. The problem is, after devouring hours of social media each week, I feel “peopled out”… and I am! I know too many details about too many people’s lives and yet I haven’t actually communed with those people. I’m updated about facts, but not connected in spirit and in truth.

And I can’t live that way anymore.

I don’t want to be so peopled-out by Facebook that I don’t have time for the real flesh and blood people God has graciously allowed to be a part of my daily life.

In addition to the obvious people (my husband and kids), neighbors on Tuesday evening, church members on Sunday morning, and the local librarian mid-week all deserve my smiles and eye contact. In literally any other decade in human history, this would have been obvious.

Now I have to work to remind myself of it. Or else I’m so wearied by the non-stop nature of social media that I have no genuine smile, no patience, no “oomph”… nothing left to give to the flesh-and-blood person in front of my face at the library counter. Or worse, I have no energy left to share with my discouraged sister in Christ who’s trying to catch my eye on Sunday morning.

Facebook has made it *feel* as if we can be in daily relationship with hundreds, even thousands, of people. And yet, I can’t. Not really. We weren’t made for this.

And my heart/mind/soul is weary of it.

God made me a person with specific limitations. I have a finite amount of brain space, empathy, ability to remember details about people’s lives, people I can interface with, and time to give to these things. I really can’t be everything to everyone. I can’t be everything to anyone. Only God can do that.

In truth, I am very weak.

I am a finite person with limits. I am incapable of even carrying my own problems on my own… much less all the events, details, tragedies, triumphs, and trivialities I find each time I open Facebook. I can’t even be all things for my husband and children, but at least I *know for a fact* that God has given me a responsibility to and for each of them. That is not the case for every person I happen to connect/reconnect with on social media.

So for now, until and unless I figure out a different arrangement, my current solution is: I’ve unfollowed ///everyone/// on Facebook. Literally every. One. There are no people I follow, but I am still a part of a few groups (either for my local commitments– church/city, or for learning).

This means, yes, I miss out on some stuff, or I find it out after everyone else. Or everyone assumes I know stuff that I don’t know. And I have to go on purposefully and scroll through particular people’s feeds when I want to catch up (had a baby, what’s going on lately, etc).

But I’m starting to feel the difference: my mind is getting freer.

And I’m back to being able to focus in on the daily stuff again. I just can’t manage to be everything to everyone I ever knew, AND be the wife and mom each day I am called to be.

But bit by bit, I’m taking back the time and mental space given to me by God, and choosing to invest it in the people and tasks God has most clearly put on my plate.

IN THE COMMENTS– what about you?

  • Have you ever felt “peopled out” by Facebook?
  • How did/do you deal with it?

You’ve already given your best to the kids.

all.
stinkin.
day.
long.

So what’s left for your husband– this man you pledged your life and love to?

Scraps.

Can I ask you a personal question? You don’t have to answer me… just answer in your heart:

how long has your husband been surviving on scraps?

Oh maybe it doesn’t feel that way to you…

You mustered up some energy to try to connect sexually recently… was it, last Thursday? or, no… that was the soccer practice that ran late… it had to be… well, it’s been recently, anyway. And you’ve both been busy so… surely he can’t expect THAT when you’re so busy, right?

Scraps.

You cooked dinner twice last week, which is more than anyone can expect of a tired mom, right? And maybe that’s right. But when was the last time you made his favorite… a meal so good he groaned?

Scraps.

He’s taken to fending for himself in a few areas. Work clothes. Work problems. Work relationships. But work– though a significant part of his life– barely gets discussed.

Scraps.

Your conversations, already fewer and farther between than before you had these little ones, are now pretty much centered on these little ones. And… if you’re honest… often full of miscommunication and annoyance.

Scraps.

Christian mama, you are not just a mama.

You are a WIFE.

And your husband NEEDS you.

#1- He needs your time and attention in the bedroom.

One of the saddest things my husband and I face in marriage counseling is couples who have made LACK of sexual activity the norm in their marriages. For Christian couples, that simply should not be.

“because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. ~1 Corinthians 7:2-5

  • If the kids get less baths, fine.
  • If they learn less soccer (or no soccer!), fine.
  • If you have to train them to go to bed earlier, fine.
  • If you have to spank more often, for a season, to get them to stay in bed, fine.
  • If you need to cut back on your commitments– even church commitments!– so you have more time for him, fine.

But– Christian woman, listen up– it is not fine for you to disobey Scripture and continually put off and reject your husband sexually.

Connect intimately with him. Make it your ambition to THRILL him. Make him smile. Give him something to think about tomorrow. Give him yourSELF. Your BODY. Your SMILES. Your TOUCH. Nourish him– body and soul– with your intimacy.

No one else can rightly do this, and he wants you!

#2- He needs your time and attention in the home.

At dinner time, give him the best portion. Give him your conversational attention at the dining table. Give him your respect as you talk to him in front of the kids. Teach them what honoring this man looks like.

Maybe your man loves BBQ ribs (mine does!). Work it into the menu when you can.

“She looks well to the ways of her household…” ~Proverbs 31:27

Or maybe your husband needs help keeping up with his wallet and keys. “Look well to the ways” of your home and make an easy, intuitive place near the entry-door for him to collect his things.

On my last birthday, Doug shared with me that he appreciates that “home is always a place I’ve always wanted to come home to… and I’ve realized there are a lot of men who don’t feel that way about going home.” That was really special for me to hear!

Ladies, make your home a place your husband is DELIGHTED to come home to!

Maybe your guy doesn’t care about ribs and missing car keys. But he cares about something. How can you show him that he matters to you? Look for ways to show him that you love him through the way you care for his needs in your home.

#3- He needs a wife who is FOR him.

If he has a job interview coming up, help him prepare– with clothes, or with mock interviews, or with updating his resume. If you see a sale going on, ask (or notice!) if he needs something in particular to update his work wardrobe.

Over dinner, ask what’s been going on at work. Keep up with his concerns. Don’t make him carry the weight of it all alone.

GIVE HIM *YOU*

And Jesus said to them, “…from the beginning of creation, ‘God made them male and female.‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” ~Mark 10:5-9

And let not woman separate them either.

Be a wife who works to be ONE with your man– make it very clear that you are FOR him, that you are on HIS side… even if he feels like the whole world is against him (which… by the way, do you know?… most men feel that way– like they’re barely making it and going to be found out as a fraud and a failure any minute?). (This book has more about that idea.)

Make sure your conversations aren’t continually limited to what the kids are doing, YOUR concerns, YOUR anxieties, YOUR daily life… be ONE with your husband, and care about what’s happening in his daily life.

Don’t give him scraps.

Stop giving the best to your kids, or your mom, or your work, or your girl friends, or your ministry, or your home business.

Don’t give him scraps. Give him the best you have to offer.

He wants you. Give him YOU.

When we were planning our trip on the Wonderland Trail (video here, daily blogs start here), I wanted as many details as I could get my hands on.

Yes, you CAN take kids on the Wonderland Trail.

Yes, you CAN take babies on the Wonderland Trail.

It takes extra effort, but can be an utterly AMAZING time together as a family! (Watch our video for proof!) If you’re planning or considering a trip on the Wonderland Trail, especially with kids, here are the practical details you’re after.

Q#1- WHAT ABOUT BABIES– specifically DIAPERS & WIPES?

  • When we hiked it, we used diapers for our 18 month old through each day, and our 3 year old at night. We ended up averaging 4 diapers/day, total. (One for my 3 year old, 3 for the 18 month old.) For younger babies I imagine we would go through more diapers, but they would also be smaller-size diapers, so it probably is about the same in terms of space and weight.
  • We used about one pack of wipes for both boys through the entire trip. We broke that up into 2 portions, bringing half with us from the start and putting half in the first cache.
  • What about cloth diapers? You can do it, but the same rules apply to human waste, as far as “leaving no trace.” And no washing out diapers in water sources! (You’ll need to wait to get to the places with running water. Or collect water, and carry to the right distance away from water sources, and then follow the same procedures for adult bathroom: dig a cathole to the right depth–typically 6+ inches–, dump the waste, mix with moss/leaves/pine needles, and re-cover.) Many even hard-core cloth diaper users opt to use disposables for this trip because of the weight and hassle of doing cloth on the trail.
  • You CAN cache diapers and wipes, to lighten your load, so definitely do that! (See Q#3, below, to learn about caching.)
  • Pack out all diapers. Obviously, you can’t bury or leave diapers in the backcountry. We used lightweight plastic baggies like this to seal off the stinkyness and had no issues with smell in our packs. I carried 20 of those baggies, carried in one sandwich-sized ziplock, and used a few per day, tying them up to seal in the smell.)
  • Know where the trash cans are (see Q#4 below), and drop your used diapers as soon as you can.

Q#2- GOING TO THE BATHROOM IN THE WOODS?

This is something we practiced beforehand, especially with the younger few kids. I wanted them to be very comfortable with the whole idea of pooping in the woods, before we hit the Wonderland Trail. So we practiced on our hikes leading up to it.

A few tips that made it easier for us:

  • Try different approaches. Some we tried: (1) find a tree about 3-8 inches around, where they can grab the trunk, hold on, lean back (downhill), and poop that way. (2) hold mom/dad’s hands and lean bottom back. (3) Squat with pants off and legs REALLY far apart. (4) Sit on a fallen (horizontal) tree, stick your bottom WAY far off the back, lean your torso weight up onto your knees, and go that way.
  • Girls need more help and practice than boys. Some women and girls like to use these to pee (and yes I mean to link to that; it’s better rated than the specialized contraptions for the same purpose); we opted for squatting. Pick your poison.
  • Keep it simple & matter-of-fact. Use a trowel to dig the hole, help make it as quick as possible. No matter what, it’s going to feel silly and weird the first few times. Acknowledge that and move on. “This is what we do when we’re out in the backcountry.” Eventually, they’ll get the hang of it. By the end of the trip, they’ll be woods-pooping PROS. 🙂

Have a toilet kit:

HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER SHOULD YOU BRING? For our family of 9, we went through about 1 roll of TP every 2-3 days. We’d packed 1/day, so we ended up WAY overpacking. Next time we go, as a family of 10, I’ll plan 4-5 rolls for our entire trip.

Q#3- WHAT IS CACHING?

Caching is a great way Mount Rainier National Park allows hikers to stash food, fuel, and consumable items around the trail, so you can spread out your supplies and lighten your load. With kids, this is particularly helpful, as your weight loads carried are going to be less than what you could do with only adults. At MRNP, they ask that you put your cached items in mice-proof containers. We used a combination of 5-gallon buckets & lids, and the Costco detergent plastic boxes that have nice tight-fit lids.

For the Wonderland Trail, you can cache at 4 locations:

  • Longmire
  • Mowich (drop off at Carbon River Ranger station)
  • Sunrise (drop off at White River Ranger station), and
  • White River

We did this on our trip… for food, drink mixes, fuel (white gas canisters for our stove), hand sanitizer, toilet paper, diapers, wipes, and cooking oil. This caching system definitely made our loads lighter and enabled us to do the trip as a family.

Be sure to check current regulations/rules about caching on the Wonderland here. 

NOTE: If you cache, be sure your itinerary will allow you to get to the ranger station/visitor center before 5pm (or whenever they indicate when you drop off your caches). Our experience was that they are quick to get your cache boxes for you, but it would STINK to have to wait around in the morning to get it, rearrange your packs, and not set off until mid-morning or later. 

Q#4- WHERE ARE THE BATHROOMS & TRASH CANS?

Some sort of privy or pit toilet is available at all 18 campsites along the Wonderland Trail. But these are VERY rustic toilets, and do not have running water. They are basically just a hole in the ground with a toilet seat over it. Some have a privacy wall; many do not.

Bathrooms with sinks and flushing toilets are located at:

  • Sunrise Visitors Center (not on the WT, but a 1-2 mile detour)
  • White River Campground
  • Longmire Visitors Center
  • Mowich Lake campground

Trash cans are located at all of the above, PLUS Box Canyon.

^^^ That information is particularly valuable if you are hiking with a baby in diapers. Of course you have to pack in and pack out diapers, so knowing where the trash cans are helps you to drop those heavy items as quickly as you can. The night before each anticipated trash-drop, we collected all the bits of trash from every pack/pocket/person.

*** Note: There are other trash cans and bathrooms in other places within MRNP (like Cougar Rock and Paradise), but not on the Wonderland Trail.

Q#5- WHAT IF WE HAVE A MEDICAL EMERGENCY ON THE TRAIL?

  • Know basic first aid. The more, the better. Even if you’ve done first aid classes before, bone up by watching a few YouTube videos about it & reminding yourself of basics.
  • Think in advance what the most likely things would be. My guesses were: dehydration, sunstroke, hypothermia, fall, sprains, breaking a bone, young child “crashing,” energy-wise. Think through what your response to these would be. (Some we considered: what if a parent broke a leg 11 miles away from a ranger station? what if a child started throwing up? how will we prevent hypothermia if the temps drop fast?)
  • Consider sharing your emergency-response plans with older kids, and even talk them through simple first aid concepts (i.e., use pressure to stop bleeding, how to make a splint). As we talked with our kids, we found that the older two (12 & 14) wanted to be briefed on common first aid issues. This helped set their minds at ease that we were ready to face the potential dangers of the trail.
  • Always know where the nearest trailheads and ranger stations are.

Remember that these things can happen anytime, anywhere– not just on the trail– and don’t be overly anxious. Be prepared as best you’re able. Consider the things that are possible, but don’t stress yourself out.

GOT A QUESTION ABOUT KIDS’ CLOTHING? Here’s a complete list of what we took for our kids.

HAVE ANOTHER QUESTION about hiking the Wonderland Trail with kids? Ask it in the comments below!

As we’re talking about with Lisa right now on the podcast, mom life can make it tricky to be actively engaged with the Bible.

What my kids look like when I’m postpartum-schooling from my bed, doing our read-alouds Oh goodness, how precious is this? I love newborn sincerity. No cynicism here– just trust. (I told y’all how much I love the Sheologians podcast. Well, my husband bought me the SHIRT for Christmas. YUP YUP YUP.)

I have two videos for you on today’s topic.

#1- Here is one practical way I stay active with Bible reading as a busy mom:

#2- And here is one question that can help you focus and retain what you’re reading, even with SMALL amounts of Bible reading time:

IN THE COMMENTS, SHARE: How– PRACTICALLY– do you stay engaged with Bible reading, in the middle of life as a busy mom?

PODCAST UPDATE:

The winter break is over, and Season 2 of the Mom On Purpose podcast starts back tomorrow, February 1st. And the interviews (and I mean both the topics and the ladies I get to talk to!) have been incredible.

I’m SO excited to share them with you!

This season is going to be FABULOUS. Make sure you’ve subscribed in iTunes or on Android (copy this link: RSS feed to use for Android into your podcast app), so you don’t miss an episode!

When it comes to having another baby, people will talk about the potential for additional financial costs, marital strain, or having to go through labor again. But very few people talk about this.

This was something I noticed about having another baby, 5 weeks after having our 8th baby–

Here are our current set of “bookends” (oldest– Ethan– and youngest– Fisher) having a conversation last week:

IN THE COMMENTS, PLEASE SHARE: How have you noticed this in your home?

In August 2016, we completed a 12-day backpacking trip around Mt. Rainier. As a family of 9. It was an adventure, and a challenge. Because of blood sugar issues and concerns about whether or not our 3 & 1/2 year old could finish, we considered quitting.

I’m so glad we decided to keep going. It was an INCREDIBLE trip, and now I have a video to prove it. 😉

This week I compiled and edited the video footage and photos… and wow (!!!) my eyes have been opened to the time and focus that goes into video editing. Why did it take so long? Well, one of our two SD cards was corrupted, and it took nearly 2 months to recover some of the data, then Doug worked on a video and was nearly done, when his computer crashed and we completely lost that file. We both felt discouraged and haven’t touched it for at least a month.

Finally, last week, I took the files to make this video.

Now we (finally!) have a Wonderland Trail video of our own. 🙂 I hope you can set aside an hour and enjoy some of these special memories, with us. After Fisher’s birth, this was a highlight of 2016 for our family.

Come, spend an hour with our family on the Wonderland Trail, and let me know what you think. ~Jess

Last week, I placed my first order with Amazon Prime Pantry. As a bargain shopper (and borderline cheapskate), I’ve been skeptically keeping my distance. But after trying it, I’m pretty impressed and think I’ll try it again from time to time.

Here’s what I noticed, what I didn’t like, and what I DID like.

What I noticed:

Not everything is a good deal.

In fact, many things aren’t. But some things are great deals (here’s a link where you can browse everything they have on sale), and some of those great deals even have coupons with them.

I really like coupons. 🙂 

The toothbrushes were my favorite deal. It was a 6-pack of Colgate toothbrushes, for $3.75, with a $1.25 coupon. That’s a GREAT deal for an item we use a relatively large quantity of, on a regular basis.

What I didn’t like:

I didn’t like that there was a list of “qualifying” items that I had to pick from, in order to receive the free shipping. (Otherwise, it would have been a $5.99 fee, which definitely encouraged me to go ahead and find 1 or 2 other things we needed, since I figured I was gonna spend that $5.99 either way.)

Toward the end, it felt like I ended up rummaging, trying to find SOMETHING useful to buy.

What I DID like:

I like that in the end I *did* find plenty of items, at good prices, to make it worthwhile to place the order. These were things we’d have ended up buying anyway, elsewhere, and most likely for higher prices.

Most of these items pictured had a coupon, so the prices don’t reflect the actual price paid:

IN THE COMMENTS, please share: Do you order groceries and toiletries online? Have you used Amazon or do you use another site?

I’ve always thought of myself as pretty brave. Whether that’s true or not I don’t know but I looked to the externals and deemed it so:

  • moving around the world, multiple times, as a growing family
  • keeping having babies even though it HURTS (!!!) every time, and makes life harder
  • quitting my dream job and moving to TX without Doug having a job (in hopes that I could stay home with our first baby)
  • backpacking 93-miles around Mt. Rainier with 7 children, while pregnant

But lately… fear has been creeping in, in a variety of areas. Here are 3:

  1. We’ve had a challenging few months in parenting. It’s hard to know where the line is, in regard to talking details with older kids. But in general… what I’m finding is this: the older they get, the higher the stakes get and the more even the ‘bravest’ mom starts wondering, “oh man, are we doing anything right? Where does this all lead?” Even when things are going relatively “well,” it is easy for me to feel overwhelmed with fear when I consider the way the stakes are raising as these children become young adults.
  2. Things in my life that have needed to be faced (yes I know that’s vague)… but I’ve been scared of the emotional conversations that may result if I share my feelings honestly.
  3. 3 years ago, I wrote a novel about Jacob & his 4 wives, and edited it. Then I sent it to a few friends, never heard back from any of them, got nervous, and decided it must be awful, or else they would have surely given me feedback. So it has sat on my hard drive making me feel like a terrible fiction writer for 2+ years.


Here are some ways I’m trying to face those fears:

  1. Parenting older kids has driven me to have confidence in the only place I know: God’s strong faithfulness in the middle of needy human weakness. HE is where my hope is. He knows these kids. He knows Doug & I. He put us all together on purpose. He has a plan. He is all-wise and all-good. He is faithful to finish every work that He starts. I can trust Him with the people I love. In fact, that’s the only safe place for them– entrusted to His good care.
  2. I’m responsible for speaking the truth in love, and for dealing with what happens in my own heart and behavior. I can’t control what other people will feel, say, or do.
  3. In a fit of (New-Years-Everyone-Says-HUSTLE-Pursue-Your-Goals) fancy, I asked my e-mail subscribers to “only read this e-mail if you like Christian fiction” and inside– “would you be willing to offer me super-duper honest feedback?” 140 of them said yes, and 30 have already given their anonymous feedback (reminding them to be super-duper honest even if it is HARSH). The results, so far, are… GREAT.

(And their super-specific detailed editing feedback is even better!)

I can’t believe I was so afraid.

But it IS scary, isn’t it? Surely I can’t be the only one.

It’s scary to…

  • as a mom, feel the weight of all my human brokenness showing up as I imperfectly parenting these kids I love so much.
  • as a human, feel the weight of human brokenness in my relationships.
  • as a creator-of-things (ideas/paintings/books), to be vulnerable and exposed to the possibility of having my work called “rotten.”

But even though it’s scary, it’s worth it.

It’s worth it to keep going. I’m choosing to believe that it’s worth it to trust God with the results.

  • It’s worth it to keep pressing in to that child who you love like crazy, but who can drive you bonkers, whose buttons you push and who pushes your buttons, but you love love love em like crazy.
  • WHAT I NEED TO TELL MY HEART: I can’t produce a perfect family. I can’t manufacture perfect parenting results. But I can keep confessing my own sin. I can keep hugging. I can keep choosing to smile when I want to self-protect and turn away. I can keep turning to Scripture… on my own, and with them alongside me. I can keep loving. It’s worth it. And I can trust God with all the results. He is faithful. He will do everything that needs doing, in every heart. I can actively choose to trust Him.
  • It’s worth it to speak the truth in love, and trust God with how it turns out.
  • WHAT I NEED TO TELL MY HEART: I can’t manufacture perfect human relationships. In fact, the closer we get to any humans, the more potential there is for it all to go haywire. So it’s absurd for me to try to control results. But I can keep speaking truth. I can keep checking my motives and trying to deliver that truth in love. I can keep offering, and receiving forgiveness. I can choose not to turn away. I can keep trying. It’s worth it. I can obey God and leave the results to Him.
  • It’s worth it to do the work, and put yourself out there… even with the potential of rejection.
  • WHAT I NEED TO TELL MY HEART: I can’t manufacture a 7-billion-person world where every human will value, want to read, and ADORE my novel, no matter how hard I work at it. But I can keep writing. I can read about it and keep working on these skills. I can keep editing to make it better. I can choose to set a date and release it. I can believe that God put these gifts in me, and it’s not for no reason. Even if someone else says it’s rotten, it’s worth it.

Do you need to hear that same truth?

“You can’t make it perfect, but you can choose to keep going and not turn away. You can do your part, and trust God with the results.”

IN THE COMMENTS: What fears are you facing? And what are you going to do about them? What do you need to say to your own heart?

Lots of things can be overwhelming to us as moms. Things like

  • Messes,
  • attitudes,
  • sickness,
  • a busy schedule, and/or
  • sudden changes in our routines

can push us past the norms of stress we’re used to, into a zone where we can feel like we might teeter over the edge into insanity.

On this particular day, I had ALL the overwhelming things: Monday, postpartum with a newborn baby, sickness, messy house, all on the day after Christmas.

Here’s how I handled it when I felt like exploding because of feeling overwhelmed:

Video Outline:

  • What made this particular day overwhelming?
  • 2:50- How I sorted out the stress of this day
  • 4:30- How things felt once I got things sorted out
  • 5:00- Is this only possible because I have older kids?
  • 5:25- Some of the ways I did it when I only had little kids
  • 6:40- Being deliberate, rather than reactive
  • 7:00- One thing I’m LOV-ING: Our toddler play yards – and WHY I love them

It’s so easy to feel overwhelmed as a mom, especially if we’re sick, or facing a messy house, unusual demands, or the sense that there’s too much to do.

But instead of yelling, or feeling hopeless, I’m trying to face these things head-on. When I do that, I find that the house gets back into good order, more quickly, and our relationships and moods aren’t dominated for the rest of the day by the slow-burn of my initial reactions and feelings.

IN THE COMMENTS, please share: What do YOU do when you feel overwhelmed?

p.s.– I seriously LOVE the toddler play yard for this postpartum season when I’m sitting and nursing for so much of the day. You can buy them here.