An excellent wife who can find?
    She is far more precious than jewels.
The heart of her husband trusts in her,
    and he will have no lack of gain.
She does him good, and not harm,
    

all the days of her life. … Her husband is known in the gates

when he sits among the elders of the land.

Proverbs 31:10-12, 23

Excellent. Precious. Trusted. Good-doer. What a rich description of a godly woman.

The Proverbs 31 woman has taken her share of beatings lately. I’ve winced as I’ve read the comments across the web/blogosphere. “I’m sick of hearing about Proverbs 31! No more women’s Bible studies on that chapter please!” But the truth is: this chapter is relevant, applicable right in our daily lives, and provides a great challenge.

Proverbs 31 provides a model of what a life well-lived could look like. This is not a snapshot of a young mom “doing it all”/”having it all”. It’s descriptive, rather than prescriptive. This is a life-in-review chapter that describes what a God-fearing woman is and does (over the long-haul) for the family God has given her and the people around her.

Rather than seeing it as a guilt-producing chapter, this could be a clarion call to point to some areas where God can bring about growth in our lives.

Over the next weeks, I’m going to take these 22 verses in batches so we can look at them by subject matter. Today’s batch is about marriage.

VERSE 10: AN EXCELLENT WIFE WHO CAN FIND? SHE IS FAR MORE PRECIOUS THAN JEWELS.

A good wife benefits a man in ways that are far more valuable than physical money or treasure. Even science bears this out– one of the biggest factors in predicting a man’s life expectancy, health, and financial stability is whether he gets married or not.

One challenge for us is that qualifying word: EXCELLENT.

When I read that, I think: what would *MY* husband describe as “excellent”? Those are the things I should focus on. I could spend all day long organizing closets or keeping our photos and DVDS categorized and in order, but if the main thing he cares about is having something warm and hearty to eat after a long day at work, and that’s the thing I overlook, then all my organizing is (more or less) in vain.

What would your husband describe as “excellent”?

VERSE 11: THE HEART OF HER HUSBAND TRUSTS IN HER, AND HE WILL HAVE NO LACK OF GAIN.

This is a sticking point in many marriages. A wife who overspends, who manipulates situations to make things look better (or worse) than they actually are, a wife who never has things the way he wants them, or who is critical of her husband in public… these are wives whose husbands do NOT “trust in her.” The opposite-of-Proverbs-31 wife sneaks, lies, deceives, manipulates, or finds fault. Ultimately, she is not dependable and her husband knows it. 

In sharp contrast to this, the husband of the excellent wife in Proverbs trusts her implicitly.

Does your husband have reason to trust in you? Are you dependable and trustworthy?”

Then it goes on: “He will have no lack of gain.” Rather than being a drain on his mind and resources, the excellent wife is “gain” to her husband. Through her, Lord willing, God will give him children. Through her, his house is made into a home. Through her wisdom, creativity, and frugality, the income stretches. Through her insight and wisdom, his boyish ways grow into those of a mature, godly man.

Do you bring your husband “gain”? Are you growing in your ability to make your budget stretch? Do you bring wise counsel that helps him to grow and think about issues in his life and heart? 

VERSE 12: “SHE DOES HIM GOOD, AND NOT HARM, ALL THE DAYS OF HER LIFE.”

When we think back to bad influences in our lives, we think about those who bring out the worst in us… those who led us into sin. The excellent wife in Proverbs 31 is clearly the opposite: all her days, she is doing her husband GOOD. It even spells out: “and not harm.” Her aim is to be a blessing, and never a curse, to her husband.

Do you have this tenacious desire to be a blessing to your husband? When you get to pick, what movies and shows are you putting in front of the eyes of your husband? Movies that inspires lust, or godliness? TV shows that demean men, or encourage them toward strength & courage? Does your conversation build up and move him Godward, or is your conversation base, shallow, and prodding you both closer to self, closer to flesh, closer to sin?

NOTE that this says “she does him good, and not harm, ALL THE DAYS OF HER LIFE.”

Each day, we can renew our commitment to being a blessing to our husbands. This is not something that’s “one and done”; it requires perseverance. And if it’s something that’s a new idea to you, it’s something you can begin today.

VERSE 23: HER HUSBAND IS KNOWN IN THE GATES WHEN HE SITS AMONG THE ELDERS OF THE LAND.

This seems jarring to our modern sensibilities. If this passage is all about her and her greatness, why does it jump, in the middle of the passage (seemingly out of nowhere!), to her husband?

It’s because her husband’s honor is an honor to her. Consider the disgrace one spouse can bring upon another. I don’t have to name names, but we can all think of public figures who have been publicly humiliated by their husband or wife’s behavior.

Biblically, a man who has been appointed as an elder is a man who cherishes and nourishes his wife, has been faithful to her, and leads his home well. This sort of man is an honor to his wife.

Perhaps you think, “well, my husband’s no respected elder.” Maybe he’s out of work. Maybe your guy’s a young gun. Maybe he’s a big fat sinner, like me and you, and has wounded you deeply. Whatever he is, and whatever he does, look for ways to honor and encourage him. Speaking from my own experience (of marrying a quiet unassuming guy who barely said a word, who is now a friendly pastor, involved in people’s lives), you may be quite surprised at what he’ll become if you honor him for what you see in him NOW, and encourage (not nag!) him toward godliness and growth.

Do you take joy in the honor of your husband? When was the last time he heard from you that you are proud of the man he is and the work he does?


Consider:

  • What is one way you can grow in being an “excellent wife” to YOUR husband today?
  • How can your husband gain, or benefit, from your actions or words today?
  • Is there an area where you can stop ‘doing harm’ to your husband today? 
  • When will you take an opportunity to encourage your husband and let him know that you are proud to be his wife?

CLICK TO READ PART TWO: AN EAGER WORKER

Subscribe to my newsletter, and I’ll send you my FREE sanity-saving printable: 30 QUICK FIXES for GETTING THROUGH THE TOUGH DAYS.

  • 30 practical ideas for the hardest days of motherhood
  • Get this list you can refer to when you’re sick or out of ideas

SIGN UP NOW & I’ll send it your way:


“How firm a foundation, ye saints of the Lord,
Is laid for your faith in His excellent word!
What more can He say than to you He hath said—
To you who for refuge to Jesus have fled?”

HOW FIRM A FOUNDATION, YE SAINTS OF THE LORD IS LAID FOR YOUR FAITH IN HIS EXCELLENT WORD!

For those of us who believe, Scripture is our foundation. If we’re not careful though, phrases like that can easily become mere rhetoric.

What does it mean to have Scripture as your foundation? 

Is your foundation one built on solid rock or on sinking sand, and how do you tell the difference?

What is the foundation for your life? Do you truly see humanity through the lens that God does?  When you think about yourself, your marriage, your children, your relationships and conversations, are you seeing each of those things from the perspective your favorite college professor, your mom, Oprah, your pastor, a blogger you like, your husband, culture, or from the perspective God lays out in Scripture?

To truly have the Bible as our foundation, we have to be people whose minds are shaped by God’s Word, which means:

  • We have to actively be IN the Word
  • We have to be on the watch for what IS influencing our minds & actively combat it
  • We have to be sure we are letting the Word inform our thinking, and not just filing it in a separate “spiritual” category.

Do we really see the world, marriage, child-rearing, friendship, our daily attitudes, the way we run our homes, everything about our lives, through the lens that Scripture puts forward?

The Bible:

Do you know God’s Word well enough to discern when someone you like is saying things that do not line up with the Bible?

Are you in Scripture enough to be confronted when YOU have been believing and doing things that are not conformed to God’s standards?

WHAT MORE CAN HE SAY THAN TO YOU HE HATH SAID–
 TO YOU WHO FOR REFUGE TO JESUS HAVE FLED? 

I love this first verse of “How Firm A Foundation.” I think it highlights a problem of our generation. Many, many people in this generation are looking for “more” that God will say to them, for the simple reason that they don’t like what He has already said. The Bible describes that attitude like this:

For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine; but wanting to have their ears tickled, they will accumulate for themselves teachers in accordance to their own desires, and will turn away their ears from the truth and will turn aside to myths. ~ 2 Timothy 4:3-4

Sadly I see a great many professing Christians flocking to teachers who tickle their ears. These teachers rarely crack their Bible open, teach messages that are wholly indistinguishable from a business/entrepreneurial pep talk, or openly confess that they “don’t even know” if they believe in God. And yes, I have specific people in mind for each of these things: Joel Osteen, many popular women’s events, and Rachel Held Evans.

It sounds so appealing to our modern sensibilities to have someone who “admits they don’t know,” who “seeks to enjoy the journey, not just arrive at a destination.” We are lulled into thinking, “I want to learn from those who have questions, not those who think they have all the answers.” And to be sure, people walking in the way of the Lord will face questions and doubts from outside, and from within.

To this kind of thinking, though, the Word bolsters us with confidence:

I am so grateful for the skads of people, both in the past and in the present, who have walked through trials and pain and fear and doubt and found God faithful in the midst of it. I want my heart to be influenced by those who highly prize His Word and deal with it reverently and cautiously, not adding to or diminishing what is written inside.

For me, what that means is that I am extremely cautious about who I listen to, and am asking God for increasing discernment about the articles and books I read.

More than ever in my life I want God’s Word to be the firm foundation of my life.

Nothing else will do. 

Will you purpose the same in your own life?

Image courtesy of scottchan/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Subscribe to my newsletter, and I’ll send you my FREE sanity-saving printable: 30 QUICK FIXES for GETTING THROUGH THE TOUGH DAYS.

  • 30 practical ideas for the hardest days of motherhood
  • Get this list you can refer to when you’re sick or out of ideas

SIGN UP NOW & I’ll send it your way:

There are some things I can’t say without first referring you to this passage (Ephesians 5:17-33). Please read it in its entirety: 

Do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is. …be filled with the Spirit, …giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”  This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

You noticed, I’m sure, the bolded parts. Go back and look at them. It’s the crux of the matter.

Those who despise words like “submission” and “complementarianism” would have you believe otherwise, but the whole point of marriage is found there in Ephesians 5:32:

“This mystery is profound… it refers to Christ and the church.“

Do you remember how the Jewish tabernacle was an earthly representation of a heavenly reality?

Similarly, Paul is telling us that marriage between a Christian man and woman is an earthly representation of something bigger. He calls it a “profound” mystery. Each couple, whether they know it or not, are representing a picture of Christ and the church.

Consider the way Christ gave Himself up for the church… sacrificing for us, giving His life for us, profoundly providing for our needs, nurturing our growth, always seeking our good.

Jesus was the ultimate archetype for what men are to be like:

  • Passionate
  • Pursuing
  • Actively sacrificial
  • In tune with the Father
  • Fiercely committed, even to the point of death, to providing for the physical, and (even more importantly) the spiritual needs of His Bride
  • Committed to the purity and nurturing of His Bride
  • In tune with her needs (perhaps even more than she is)
  • Caring for her as His own Body (I love the language: “cherish” and “nourish”)

Take note: this isn’t about who mows the lawn, who writes the checks/pays the bills, or what sort of skills or hobbies we possess. These character-driven roles are clearly gender-defined for the Christian marriage. But it doesn’t stop there. If it did, we’d all be complementarians.

Notice Ephesians 5, verse 24:

“…as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.”

Whoa.

And THAT’s the sticking point, right there. I can hear already the objections:

  1. “Me? Submit to HIM? In EVERYTHING?”
  2. “But what about abuse?”
  3. “But look- just above that, it says ‘submit to one another’!”
  4. “So women are to be mindless doormats, then, is that it?”
  5. “This isn’t the 50’s anymore, and I’m no June Cleaver!.”
  6. “So, what, you think men are better than women?”
  7. “What did Jesus ever say about gender roles?”

Etc.

And (quickly) the answers to those are:

  1. [“Me? Submit to HIM? In EVERYTHING?”] Yes, if you are married, you are to submit to him in everything, as long as he’s not leading you into sin.
  2. [“But what about abuse?”] Re-read this from the passage above. (“…husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church,”) A man who is physically abusive toward his wife is NOT – remotely – living out this verse. Additionally, the law of the land protects women in this situation. If you are being abused, get to a place of safety, submit yourself to the laws that exist to protect you, and seek biblical counseling.
  3. [“But look- just above that, it says ‘submit to one another’!”] Yes, it does say that, about the church at large– telling us how we are to love one another. And then it goes on to give more specific instructions for a more specific relationship: the one between husbands and wives (‘wives, submit to your own husbands”).
  4. [“So women are to be mindless doormats, then, is that it?”] Absolutely not. Exhibit A: I’m a blogger with skads of opinions. We have to take the whole counsel of the Word of God, and Proverbs 31 (along with other places) say things like, “wisdom is on her tongue.” We aren’t mindless, voiceless morons. We wouldn’t be “helping” or “complementing” our husbands if we withheld our wisdom and strength rather than contributing and combining it with theirs. Submission is actually a sign of controlled strength rather than of mindless weakness.
  5. [“This isn’t the 50’s anymore, and I’m no June Cleaver!.”] Great! Me either.
  6. [“So, what, you think men are better than women?”] I definitely don’t think men are better than women. I think men are uniquely designed by God to be intrinsically different from women. And vice-versa. And I think we’re all a bunch of rotten sinners and need Jesus so desperately.
  7. [What did Jesus ever say about gender roles?”] What Jesus said about gender roles in marriage is explicit. Everything Jesus said and did instructs husbands in their roles about how to better love and sacrifice for their brides. The whole point of marriage, from the beginning, is to point to Christ. And thus, His whole life instructs. The way we live out our roles gives mysterious vibrancy and color here on earth to something that is perfectly seen in Heaven.

HEADSHIP, LEADERSHIP, AUTHORITY

As a husband gives himself up for his bride, working to know her, love her, lead her, and serve her better as the years go on, he is pointing to Christ and the church. His self-sacrificing leadership, strength under control, and desire to nurture the one who is physically weaker and more dependent demonstrates a selflessness that is not of the flesh but of the Spirit.

As a wife yields to her husband, working as his unique helpmeet, using her strength to complement his, submitting to him willingly out of love, she points to the same picture: Christ and the church.

This is not about men being better or smarter than women. In fact, that’s clarified by another passage:

But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God. (1 Corinthians 11:3)

So headship in the BIble is not only compared to Christ and the church, but to God the Father and Christ.

Do you see that? Headship, authority… these things are not wicked, evil things. These are things that come into play in the relationship between the Father and the Son.

In fact, when we look further into Scripture, into the way that God describes authority and expects it to be carried out, we find this:

When Jesus and His disciples are talking about authority (Matthew 20, Mark 10), Jesus challenges them this way:

Jesus called them to him and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. It shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be your slave, even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.

This is the same principle laid out in the Ephesians 5 passage. The one who leads must be the one who serves. The one who has authority is the one who gives his life. The one who is the head is the one who nourishes and cares for the one following him. This is the Christ model.

Our culture has a knee-jerk reaction to these issues of submission and headship, but these texts make it clear: God doesn’t see authority and headship like we do.

SUBMISSION

Submission is such a tricky thing to discuss in our rights-focused, me-centered culture. The air we breathe is self-centered and inherently resistant to this idea of submission. In one sense (like Ephesians 5:21 commands), we are all to do this for (submit to) one another. Following Christ means giving up our lives for others.

But in an even deeper sense– Paul calls it a “mystery”– marriage is an even RICHER picture of this. Marriage provides an even more CLEAR picture of Christ and the church.

And in this relationship, women are the ones specifically instructed to submit.

It’s important to note that the verse is very clear: “women, submit to your own husbands.” This isn’t a men-at-large v. women-at-large thing. This is talking about one-on-one, not all women v. all men.

So, here’s a quick word to the unmarried: “Women, don’t get married to a man you can’t/won’t submit to, when the rubber meets the road.” Because submission isn’t really submission until there’s a disagreement/difference of opinion. When you are looking at a man, consider: is this a man I can, with the Lord’s help, submit myself to in those moments when we disagree?

SO THEN, WHAT DO WE DO?

To use the action words directly from the text, MEN, like Christ, are to:

  • love
  • give himself for his wife
  • sanctify her with the Word
  • present her to himself pure
  • love his wife as his own body
  • nourish
  • cherish
  • leave his father and mother
  • hold fast to his wife
  • become one flesh with her
  • love his wife as himself

To use action words directly from the text, WOMEN, like the church, are to:

  • submit to her own husband
  • submit in everything to her husband
  • see that she respects her husband

Culture warriors hate this text, and essentially call for gender neutrality (waving texts like “in Christ, there is neither male nor female” as evidence). But it is so very clear, when you simply read the text and see it for what it is. This is Paul’s very clear, very practical instruction to believers on the whole point of marriage. Our culture hates passages like these because our culture has an authority problem. We are obsessed with ideas like rights and boundaries. Our own feelings trump anyone else’s, always.

Please note: this is even true in our *Christian* culture. Rachel Held Evans, for example, trumpets all sorts of confusion into her proverbial microphone, and those who are listening are growing more and more confused, and less and less biblically grounded. Increasingly, even our Christian culture has an authority problem. Even our Christian culture is obsessed with “rights.” Even our Christian culture is obsessed with feelings.

But then, in comes Christ, upsetting the apple cart.

The head becomes the servant.

The utterly-imperfect church becomes the prized, cherished, nourished Bride.

Authority is still there. It can’t *NOT* be there. But it is an authority that seeks to bless those under its care. The One Who leads SACRIFICES for the one He leads. And those who submit do so willingly, not as slaves, but as strong and free individuals, who COULD revolt and demand their own way, but DON’T.

Folks, this is the Gospel. 

This is why complementarianism goes hand-in-hand WITH the Gospel.

This is the God-honoring beauty of a Christian marriage.

Subscribe to my newsletter, and I’ll send you my FREE sanity-saving printable: 30 QUICK FIXES for GETTING THROUGH THE TOUGH DAYS.

  • 30 practical ideas for the hardest days of motherhood
  • Get this list you can refer to when you’re sick or out of ideas

SIGN UP NOW & I’ll send it your way:

Moms, on today– Mother’s Day– let’s purpose to be thankful for whatever we are given, however small.

Frankly, any holiday can set us up to have unrealistic expectations. Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries… younger women are now even told to expect a “push present” for having birthed a baby. Again and again, we women are primed by our culture to expect huge things.

The people around us are bound to crumble, repeatedly, under the weight of such monumental expectations.

No one can live up to them.

Instead, let reality be your expectation.

Turn off Facebook and Instagram if need be, but do not let this day be ruined by jealousy, bitterness & ingratitude. We can choose to be thankful for what we have (which necessarily implies that there are things we *don’t* have, that we must choose not to dwell on or allow to embitter us). Perfect holidays are the stuff of movies & greeting cards. Most of us live w/ imperfect people, imperfectly celebrating.

Let’s be grateful, right here in the imperfect.

Subscribe to my newsletter, and I’ll send you my FREE sanity-saving printable: 30 QUICK FIXES for GETTING THROUGH THE TOUGH DAYS.

  • 30 practical ideas for the hardest days of motherhood
  • Get this list you can refer to when you’re sick or out of ideas

SIGN UP NOW & I’ll send it your way:

As parents look to parenting books, methods, advice, and make decisions about how to raise up their children, there are skads of opportunities to encounter really lousy advice. It can be difficult, in this age of TV psychologists and celebrity moms and PhD-toting “experts”, to know what is right.

Rather than try to lay out specifics, if you are a first-time mom, or just beginning to make some of these life-impacting decisions about parenting and discipline, I want to encourage you to ask yourself four questions about whatever advice you are contemplating.

(1) DOES THE ADVICE LINE UP WITH WHAT THE BIBLE SAYS ABOUT DISCIPLINE? 

Spend an afternoon at Biblegateway.com and do a word search on “discipline”. Note the way the word is used, who has authority over who, and who is held responsible for children & their actions & attitudes.

Read about various parents in the Bible– Eli and his sons, how Solomon talks to his son as he gives advice in Proverbs, how Samson’s parents interacted with him and what those results were. Take to heart the commands given to parents (Deut 6, throughout Proverbs, to church leaders in the epistles about what their kids should be like, in each of the Pauline letters– how children should act, how parents should train/teach).

Look at the whole counsel of the Word of God as you consider advice, and let it shape and sharpen your view on parenting. 

(2) DO YOU KNOW ANYONE IN REAL LIFE WHO FOLLOWS THE ADVICE? 

Are their kids pleasant to be around? Depending on the ages of their kids, are their young children generally joyful and obedient? Are their teenagers respectful, or rebellious? Are their adult children following God? Whether they have one or many children, would it be pleasant and encouraging to be around a large group of people like their children?

This is not to say that there is some perfect parenting formula that will turn out perfect human beings– of course not! But on the whole, we should consider the “fruit” of those whose advice we heed. If we want to do well in our marriage, we ask advice from people who have made wise choices and persevered and have a strong marriage. If I want to learn to bake or cook well, I strive to learn from those who do so, not from the person who cooks primarily out of cans and boxes, or who doesn’t enjoy cooking.

Another point on this score is that internet advice, or book advice, can be good (in fact, I’ve been spurred on and encouraged by many godly mamas in online form)… but the proof is in the pudding. You don’t have to go looking very hard online to find women who have very little parenting experiences accompanied by very loud and boldly-declared opinions. It is much more beneficial to have solid advice from a person you know and trust, than to have extensive advice from someone “out there” whose life you really don’t know anything about.

(3) IN GENERAL, DO THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOW THIS ADVICE HAVE FAMILIES THAT ARE JOYFUL? PEACEFUL & RESTED? A BLESSING TO THE PEOPLE AROUND THEM? 

The Bible says: “Discipline your child, and he will give you peace (“rest”, in some translations). He will bring delight to your soul.” ~Prov 29:17  Good discipline should yield PEACE, REST, DELIGHT. These should be the over-arching results of godly discipline in a home.

 Does your child (or do your children) give you peace and rest? Delight in your soul?

Do families who follow this advice seem at peace? Is it delightful to be around them?

It’s not at all that I’m saying everything has to be roses and sunshine, or that godly families won’t have struggles or moments of complete and utter humanity and failure. Medical situations come up, seasons of extra pressure or difficulty arise, and of course, we’re dealing with sinful human beings (parents and children alike) and no one is perfect!

And one quick side-note: there are MANY instances where disciplining your children WELL will actually make the child madder in the short-run. This is not what I am talking about. You persevere through that and don’t think “that doesn’t work for him.” Keep going. Discipline consistently and faithfully. Don’t think that long-term “peace & quiet” means immediate/momentary peace & quiet. In our home, there have been a number of times of persevering through a grumpy child’s ugly attitudes that rare up because he/she does not like the fact that they have an authority figure.

But in general, does the advice you’re following lead to peace? 

(4) DOES FOLLOWING THE ADVICE PUT YOU AT ODDS WITH, OR STRENGTHEN YOUR ONENESS WITH, YOUR SPOUSE?

Unless there is a situation of abuse or neglect (which is an entirely different matter and should be dealt with legally), we should seek to find a place of peace and agreement in how we parent our children, but in the end, we are to respect and submit to the leadership of our husbands. God made men and women different for a reason… and we may not see eye-to-eye on every single detail. Still, though they (and we) are imperfect, He gives husbands & fathers ultimate headship and responsibility for leading their families.

Many times, I have encountered young mothers who put themselves at odds with their husbands over this issue of discipline by taking a hard stance against the very methods their husbands would like to use. It is not difficult to find young wives online– especially on message forums or blogs– husband-bashing because their husbands desire peace, rest, and delight in their homes– the very thing that Proverbs says that discipline will bring.

If your husband desires peace and quiet, and well-disciplined children, he desires something good. And it’s something that virtually every culture has expected of their children for thousands of years. This IS doable. Listen to the counsel of your husband. Let him lead your family.

Interested in reading and learning more about parenting & discernment?
 Pick up my FREE e-book: ONE THING: Top Tip From a Mom of Six

There may be other considerations that are important to you, but these are the ones that came to my mind as common “sticking points” for young parents as they consider how to raise their kiddos. I pray God’s blessings and His wisdom (He promises to give it– James 1:5) on you as you seek His guidance in these matters.

Subscribe to my newsletter, and I’ll send you my FREE sanity-saving printable: 30 QUICK FIXES for GETTING THROUGH THE TOUGH DAYS.

  • 30 practical ideas for the hardest days of motherhood
  • Get this list you can refer to when you’re sick or out of ideas

SIGN UP NOW & I’ll send it your way:

Like parenting in general, it helps me when I think about homeschooling in terms of seasons. Each season has its own unique joys, its own unique challenges, and each is discernibly different from the one before.

HOMESCHOOLING BEGAN LIKE SPRING

Was it that way for you? (It’s not that way for everyone, so don’t feel bad if that wasn’t your experience.)

But in our home, homeschooling started out with delight…it was like spring here in the Pacific Northwest: new growth and color everywhere. There was no end to the fun of discovering new things through the eyes of my eager young learner. We’d cuddle up during the younger kids’ nap times, or during the toddler’s snacks or “blanket time”, and whisk ourselves away to biblical stories, ancient lands, and forgotten times.

Every day, or certainly every week, there were delightful things I’d notice and remark about to Doug:

  • “Wow, I used to hate history, but now I find it so fascinating. I wonder if it’s because of how it was taught?”
  • “This is incredible… his curiosity and thirst for learning is insatiable!”
  • “I can’t believe how much we can get done in so short a time!”

That season didn’t last forever, but WOW! It was delightful while it lasted.

WITH EACH NEW SEASON COMES A NEW RHYTHM

Now, I’m not taking the literal “Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter” seasons analogy any farther, but the truth is that each length of time we spend homeschooling is like learning a new season, with a new rhythm. Some come back again and again, some are more tiring, some have too much to do, and some feel more laid back.

A little more than a year ago, I entered a heavy-duty “work” season, where I was (for the first time) homeschooling four children. Much less like the frolicking fun of the “spring” I described above, this was much more like the way a farmer puts his nose down and plows out the rows. Because he knows there is much to do, there’s not near as much time to dilly-dally and look at flowers, even if they do happen to be beautiful. Sometimes homeschooling is that way. So many things have to get done, and there’s a limit to the amount of time and energy we have to do it. So we work through it as efficiently as we can, and just “get ‘er done.”

We’ve just ended a season where we’ve, basically, “survived.” What that looked like for us was reading aloud (mostly, the kids to me, to make sure I was rightly gauging their reading progress and pronunciation), some math, and a whole lot of life skills (talking through home selling, mortgages, home buying, what a job search looks like, etc.).

And we have stepped into a season that’s more of a blend. We have some day-in, day-out “plowing,” but then I’m also reading aloud more, and playing in the floor more. We’re stopping to admire the joys (like reading “Come On, Seabiscuit” aloud with my 9-year-old, and talking through historic things like radio announcers, horse races, and life before TV/Internet), but everyone is also doing their math worksheets, Bible study, and age-/skill-specific learning, nonetheless. A little plowing, a little flower-admiring.

My point is NOT to try to make some one-size-fits-all list of all the seasons you’ll go through, but to give you encouragement and permission. I especially want to give encouragement to young homeschooling moms:

  • Homeschool in a way that you are doing what you need to do to follow the laws of your state/country.
  • Give yourself freedom (without guilt or self-loathing) to let one year/semester/season, be different from previous ones.

Pregnancies come and go. Toddlers come and go. Job changes, family illness, and other life challenges come along. Life brings a battery of challenges our way, and I try to roll with them and flex. By doing so, our life has a lot more freedom & joy, and our homeschool journey is able to keep rolling along while changing with the seasons.

Let me encourage you, if you are stressed out trying to follow a certain friend’s “model” or even trying to follow a model or plan that used to work for you but for some reason, just *doesn’t* right now, perhaps it could help you to learn to roll with the seasons of homeschooling. 

Subscribe to my newsletter, and I’ll send you my FREE sanity-saving printable: 30 QUICK FIXES for GETTING THROUGH THE TOUGH DAYS.

  • 30 practical ideas for the hardest days of motherhood
  • Get this list you can refer to when you’re sick or out of ideas

SIGN UP NOW & I’ll send it your way:

My husband lost his job at our home church, last November. He applied for a number of positions, mostly in TX, and one in WA. It was, and is, one of the more difficult seasons of life that we’ve walked through. Months of hanging on to the Lord in what felt like a swirling vortex.

It was rough. And God was good.

The church in WA (that ultimately hired Doug) flew us up for a ten-day interview/”trial” period, so that we could get to know the church and they could get to know us, and all of us could be much more clear (at the end of that time) on who/what we were getting into, before we or they “committed.” I loved the approach– so different from what I’ve often seen in pastoral search situations: a whirlwind weekend of flurried activities & little-to-none authentic relational connection.

After we came back, we had to pack up our house while waiting to hear back about whether or not he’d be offered the position. Either way, whether we got the offer or not, we knew we’d have to move (either to WA, or to a downsized place in Dallas).

To be honest, I had mixed feelings.

I loved that house— near family, useful to the Body, with so much built-in fun for us as a family. It was such a perfect expression of God’s grace toward us.

I’ve shared before how I think feelings about earthly homes translate to what our longing for and joy in Heaven should be like.

Let me share with you the first prayer written in my journal, after our return to TX after that 10-day interview process (and parts of it are just my raw heart but I want you to see the truth about where I was, and not mask the ugly parts). I forced my hand to begin listing out thanks when I really wanted to grump & throw a fit:

“Father, I am still such an easily-angered, headachy mess. Thank You for this house.

  • all 4 bedrooms
  • all 3 bathrooms
  • the office
  • the sunroom
  • the large living & dining areas
  • the beautiful kitchen with the corner window box
  • the large laundry room
  • his & hers closets
  • the pool & cabana area– pleasant in all seasons (even in the winter sun!)
  • the yard & firepit– the tire swing Doug built and the jungle gym that was Mike’s [Doug’s dad]
  • the workshop where so much fun has been had & the chicken coop built
  • the “junkyard” where the chickens have resided
  • the attic that has held our children’s clothes
  • the care groups we’ve hosted
  • the friends who’ve come to swim
  • the football games enjoyed in the front yard
  • the kids’ enjoyment of the yard, the fort with the spiral stairs, the junkyard, the “secret-cut-through behind the fence
  • the front garden beds

There is so much I love about this home. I trust You. I *know* You know best. You’ve given us everything good– always what is best for every season.

You are good & I trust You. I trust You to give us the best WA home– and that ultimately in Heaven I will be delighted by You alone,
— having been stripped of earthly idols.

I feel Your stripping away now- of the idols & earthly ties. And I need it and value it, even though it is immensely painful.”

God is so good to strip away the cravings of our flesh & our love for earthly things— even when they are pried from our grasp, or it feels like the rug has been pulled out from under us. His heart for us is GOOD, and we can rest in that, even when everything else is swirling & uncertain.

One of the things I have prayed for our family and our children is that we would value people over things, and that we would hold our “things” loosely (including homes). So then, I have to welcome even the difficulty of “losing” a house that we loved.

[And with that, permit me a brief rabbit trail: DO I THINK GOD “OWED” US A NICE HOUSE? Not at all. In fact, for the whole time we lived there, even right up to the last moments I spent there, I felt like it was ALL GRACE. I remember my sweet believing friends in Turkmenistan who are under constant threat of persecution. I remember Chinese believers meeting quietly in small apartments and baptizing new believers in tiny tubs in crowded bathrooms. I remember the poor and the rich and the well-provided for and the financially-struggling friends and family members that I’ve had and call to mind that God is good amidst it all.]

He is GOOD IN EVERY circumstance. 

So then, I can praise Him and be content with “much” when He provides it.

WHICH brings me to today.

After about a week here, our realtor drove in front of a beautiful house near the church and said she thought it would be perfect and was about to go on the market. I told her it was excessively out of our price range. So that was that. Or so I thought.

A week later, when we upped our budget by quite a bit (it takes a while to get used to WA prices after being in TX) I asked to see it.

A short walking distance to our church, with a double city lot, it is precious and enjoyable in every way (and more) that I could have asked for. Like each of our previous homes, it is a picture of GRACE. 

We signed the papers for it this last weekend.

God has just done it again. Blown my mind with His goodness and care for us.

He would still be GOOD if she hadn’t accepted our offer. He would still be GOOD if we had ended up in the smaller home a 15-minute-drive away that we thought we’d be getting less than a week before we made an offer on this one. He would still be GOOD if we’d had to pause our house search and ended up renting an apartment. He’d still be GOOD if we had ended up on food stamps in a downsized house in Dallas. He’d still be GOOD if Doug was still looking for work and we were still hanging out on a limb in limbo. He will be GOOD if somehow this contract fails and we don’t get this house.

But today, from my vantage spot– the place where His sovereign hand has brought us– I am utterly overwhelmed by His grace. I want to praise Him for His good gift to us. My praises are flying heavenward for all that He has done to teach me through these (relatively) temporary, earthly homes. My home is in Heaven, and until then, I get to learn about “home” through these earthly provisions He gives.

This weekend, in the midst of Easter thoughts, it was so very clear to me:

God shines brilliant through the muckiest muck. Crucifixion, then Resurrection. What looks bleak is made beautiful in His time.

LET ME ENCOURAGE YOU:

  • PRAISE GOD IN THE MIDST OF THE MUCK.-– Force your heart, your lips, and/or your pen to list out the good things of your hard time. I know it’s not easy. OH, I know it. You saw the journal entry– I was migrainey and frustrated and heartbroken. But as I began to list out all of the good things, my heart began changing and praising Him became easier.
  • WHEN YOU ARE HURTING, TAKE HOPE FROM OUR REDEEMING GOD.–  At the Cross, in Jesus, we can find real & lasting hope. What seemed final and senseless– Christ’s DEATH– was redeemed by the Father. Our hope is in the resurrecting God who redeems the things that seems most tragic, most confusing, most hurtful, most jarring. When no man could make good out of a situation, God can.

Image courtesy of: Evgeni Dinev/freedigitalphotos.net

Subscribe to my newsletter, and I’ll send you my FREE sanity-saving printable: 30 QUICK FIXES for GETTING THROUGH THE TOUGH DAYS.

  • 30 practical ideas for the hardest days of motherhood
  • Get this list you can refer to when you’re sick or out of ideas

SIGN UP NOW & I’ll send it your way:

You remember the story.

Twin brothers– one with a penchant for cooking, the other a hunter. The cook (the younger of the two) had the favor of his mother. The hairy hunter was his father’s delight. In a moment of desperate hunger, focused on the immediate longing of his belly, the hunter traded his birthright— his blessing because he was firstborn– for what his brother had cooked up. When his twin conspired with his mom to get the blessing from Esau at the end of his father’s life, Esau could only blame himself.

And then there’s Jesus. He, for the joy set before Him, endured the cross. What a stark contrast He is to the carnal Esau, who for a single meal, sold His birthright.

In Hebrews 12, they are two examples, exhibiting a focus on entirely different things– Christ focused on eternal joy; Esau focused on momentary hunger: 

“let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus …who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, …Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, …Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord. See to it that …no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled; that no one is sexually immoral or unholy like Esau, who sold his birthright for a single meal. For you know that afterward, when he desired to inherit the blessing, he was rejected, for he found no chance to repent, though he sought it with tears.

How many things in our lives have the potential to be like Esau’s stew?

  • Will I choose the immediate pleasure that I desire… despite the cost?
  • Will I choose what is temporal and fills my belly… even though it does not go along with long-term goals?
  • Will I choose what my feelings convince me will make me “happy”… even though it breaks my vows or goes against God’s Word?
  • Will I choose to say the thing that my flesh longs to say… though it brings sorrow, pain, or division?
  • Will I choose a focus on acquiring more things that make my life easier… despite having spoken beliefs that only Christ– and not things– will satisfy my heart?

…or Will I take up my cross and follow Jesus, because of the joy set before me in eternity?

Now, let me say– it’s not always that simple. If my choices are english muffin or oatmeal for breakfast, one’s not stew, and the other “the cross.”

But sometimes it IS that simple.

Sometimes we know… by the Spirit, by God’s grace, we know. We know that there is a decision facing us– something we will say or not say, something we will do or not do, a vow we will break or not break, someone we will wound or not wound– and one choice is “stew” and the other is “cross.”

And don’t tune me out: I’m convinced that this sort of big-picture philosophy actually matters in those places where the rubber meets the road in the Christian life.

It’s how affairs happen. A woman’s desire for an affectionate, heart-pounding kiss from someone she’s gotten too close to overrides the vow she made to her husband and to God, and within a short time, everything about her life has come tumbling down. Stew.

It’s the place where laziness meets parenting– we want them to be quiet, and so instead of doing the (longer, more difficult) work of training our children to be pleasant and enjoyable, we frustratedly yell, “Would you guys JUST BE QUIET?!” Stew.

It all (ultimately) relates to the the stew and the cross.

In that moment, when the choice is ours, will we choose the temporary, short-lived, good-to-the-eyes, easy “stew”, or will we choose to embrace the cross of the Christ-life– willfully enduring the suffering sent our way because our eyes are set on eternity?

Image courtesy of nuchylee/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Subscribe to my newsletter, and I’ll send you my FREE sanity-saving printable: 30 QUICK FIXES for GETTING THROUGH THE TOUGH DAYS.

  • 30 practical ideas for the hardest days of motherhood
  • Get this list you can refer to when you’re sick or out of ideas

SIGN UP NOW & I’ll send it your way:

Psalm 23 has come up in various places in my life lately… you know how God does that? Sometimes He brings something to your face in various ways all at roughly the same time.

Quick story:

Last week, we thought we’d found a potential house for our family. It was an old church that had been converted to a daycare. It had the good bones of the old church, but some of the daycare decor that would actually work for our family (like a huge wall grid for sorting laundry & stashing games in the laundry room right off of the family room). It would have been majorly cool. And a great size for our family. With some acreage (and a view of the Columbia RIVER–ACK!). But it didn’t work out. The more we looked at it, the more obvious it was that the potential cost for renovation was too close to the line for us to take the plunge.

That afternoon, I told my nearly-8-year-old daughter that it was a good day for a nap. But the protests were fierce. “I don’t NEED one! I don’t want a nap! I’m not a baby. I’m not even tired.” On and on they went.

But I know my daughter.

All the signs were there, and we’d been ultra-busy & up later than usual the previous few nights. So I insisted. I told her to trust her mama who knows what she needs. In not much time at all, she was asleep. And even with a mid-nap interruption that woke her up, she took over a two-hour nap.

She CLEARLY needed the rest.

It made me think of the house and the decision not to buy it. Perhaps God is keeping me from taking on more than I can handle. He is making me lie down and rest and not buy that house (and all the associated energy-sucking work that would come with it). 

God knows what I need better than I do. He is my Father who knows me better than I know myself.

He knows when I need rest. He knows when I would take on more than I should. He also (conversely) knows when I can do more than I am.

He knows me. I can trust Him. 

Though I would take on more than I should… Though I would lie to myself and say “I can do it”… Though I might kick and scream and say, “I don’t need to rest!”

Though I might be convinced, “God built me strong” (which… yes, I used to say)

He knows me better than I know myself. He is my Shepherd, and He faithfully, lovingly cares for my soul with a long-term view for His GLORY and my GOOD.

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.

(from Psalm 23)

The Psalmist said, “He makes me lie down…” And sometimes, that’s exactly what He does. I don’t know if I’m moving into a season of more rest, and less running around. But sometimes our Shepherd makes us lie down, even at times when we would choose to be “up” and “doing.”

But I know this: if He makes me lie down, it will be for my good and for His glory. 

Subscribe to my newsletter, and I’ll send you my FREE sanity-saving printable: 30 QUICK FIXES for GETTING THROUGH THE TOUGH DAYS.

  • 30 practical ideas for the hardest days of motherhood
  • Get this list you can refer to when you’re sick or out of ideas

SIGN UP NOW & I’ll send it your way:

Lately I’ve talked with some friends who are hurting. I should say, who are *also* hurting.

From my tiredness, feeling like a towel that has been wrung, all I feel is twisted and dry. I feel very cautious about saying anything about the hurt. 

Though poets and celebrated authors have received acclaim and income from quantifying pain in the moment it is felt, I step lightly, tentatively around the discoveries made while in my own pain, until I am even just a step or two ahead on the path, and can look back and evaluate which parts were truth, mined from His Word, illuminated by God’s Spirit, and which parts were (for me) exploitative, manipulative, self-pitying feelings.

Through my own mess and exhaustion I can say that I am seeing God soften and shave off areas that have needed His editing for a long time.

I needed to be humbled and broken.

I needed for some of my comforts to be stripped of me.

I needed for Him to give me what I would never have chosen.

And then– gulp– because I see that NOW, I have to also acknowledge that whatever else He sends in my life, is what I will need, so that in the end I look more like Jesus. No matter how painful.

It would be easier not to see that– but God keeps reminding me that His goal for me isn’t for me to be supermom but to be like JESUS.

He is FIERCE about it. Committed to it. His aim– the dot on the target for me– is Christ-like-ness.

If somehow, through His tenacious grace, I persevere and cling to Him, the most gracious thing He can give me is the trials I would never choose. Part of the most true LOVE He can pour out on me is to send the rain and the wind in my life… to pelt me with hail, yes, sometimes even in my bruised spots.

And at that very same time, there is comfort & security there. He is a safe person to “fail” and fall in front of. No one needs to tell Him about mankind. He knows our weakness– that we are dust. He tells us that He will not break the one who is bruised. His love is dependable– He never fails.

When He sends the hard times, He does it for my good. He does it with eternity in mind. He does it knowing that my sanctification needs to be accomplished this way. He does it, knowing ME better than I know myself.

We need what we would never choose.

Subscribe to my newsletter, and I’ll send you my FREE sanity-saving printable: 30 QUICK FIXES for GETTING THROUGH THE TOUGH DAYS.

  • 30 practical ideas for the hardest days of motherhood
  • Get this list you can refer to when you’re sick or out of ideas

SIGN UP NOW & I’ll send it your way: