Jess Connell – Page 26 of 27 – Fierce, Well-rested, God-confidence

One of the things I love most about home education is this:

You can wait for understanding and move through material with MASTERY as the goal.

There is no need to “plow onward” to keep on pace with the rest of the class. You look at what your child is grasping and retaining, and assess what he/she is capable of, and move at his/her pace.

MOVE AT THE CHILD’S PACE

I do this a LOT with maths… some kids “get” the “add 8 + 7, write down the 5, carry the 1 to the tens column” thing on the first day I present the concept. Some need a week to practice. Some need more. Some kids “get” simple multiplication quickly. Others need weeks (or months) of practice, math games, explanation, and practice with manipulatives, and examples of mom working problems over and over and over again.

So we move at the child’s pace.

Doing it that way is not “unschooling.” Rather, it is moving at the pace at which the child is ready to tackle and succeed.

So if a child is struggling, you pause and review and work it from different angles, and sometimes abandon the subject altogether for 3-6 months to give time for maturity and growth before expecting mastery. But, on the flipside, there are some times where the math book or phonics lessons will suggest 10 lessons of review on a particular thing and your child will “get it” on the first go. So then you go faster at that point.

THE MYTH OF AGE = SAME

Human beings don’t learn things at exactly the same pace, according to their age.

In a group classroom setting, the fact that we all learn different things at different rates can lead to some kids feeling dumb, some kids fading into the background, some kids feeling arrogant and “bored” because they get a concept quicker than the other kids. It can lead to labels and judgments.

I remember. I think back to growing up in a public school setting. I remember coming out on top in some things, and I remember the humiliation of coming out on bottom in other things. Neither felt good.

In homeschooling, it just means, your kid is his/herself. He/she gets to move at the pace God made his/her brain to move, and feel neither humiliated nor arrogant about that particular pace.

A UNIQUE BLEND OF SKILLS IN EACH CHILD

AND (this is what I love) that gets to happen in EVERY subject.

So if they are able to read sooner, but not be physically coordinated enough to play soccer, that’s OK. No teasing or humiliation for that. If they can swim and ride bikes and run faster than all the other kids, but are still struggling to read, that’s OK too. If they are going great guns in math, but need to go slower in learning (and retaining) vocabulary, that’s OK too.

There is not one “8-year-old” standard. Each boy or girl can move similar to the pace we do, as adults– according to each individual’s gifts and abilities.

No one looks at me and compares me to the 34-year-old dentist down the road and thinks I’m a moron for not knowing about molars, nerve endings, tooth decay, and how to operate a tiny drill. No one looks at him and thinks he’s a moron for not knowing how to manage a household of 8 on a budget, how to stop a tantrum in two-seconds-flat, or how to choose homeschool curricula. And no one looks at the 34-year-old pharmacist and compares him/her to either of us.

Unfortunately, even as adults, sometimes peers look at each other and compare, but that almost always leads to sin and discontentment.

In truth, we all operate according to our giftings and learn at our own pace, and are held accountable by God for being stewards of what we’ve personally been given– not for stewarding something at the same pace/skill as someone else “our age.”

Homeschooling allows us to offer that same grace and freedom to our children: move at your pace. Grasp things at the rate you are able. You don’t have to live in humiliation, or arrogance… constant struggle, or endless boredom. Joyfully grow and learn about the world God has made, according to the gifts He has given you.

Images courtesy of: StuartMiles & Stockphoto/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

[Please note: I recognize that not all of my readers choose to homeschool. This is not a slam on anyone else’s choices. However, we choose to homeschool. I believe there are advantages, and this article is about one of those advantages. Kind of like someone who writes an article about the advantages of having all boys (if you have girls) or someone who only writes about how great it is to only buy foreign vehicles, while you drive around in your Ford, you can just skip this article on by if it doesn’t apply to you, and not feel guilt for making a different choice. As believers, we all live according to Scripture and the guidance of the Spirit, no matter our schooling decisions.]

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Confession time: I am tired of all the food wars.

Tired, tired, tired.

When I was growing up, everything was low-fat. Now, apparently, that makes you fat, no joke.

This week, it’s “eat no carbs”, next thing I read says ‘trade off only carbs or fats as the fuel for each meal (who the HECK wants to eat a burger with no cheese or mayo?– don’t answer that and make me feel guilty- ha!), next one it’s “only eat like the cavemen did.” Last year was “switch to whole-grain everything,” this year they’re saying, “whole-grains have too much gluten.” (And probably, you can find current studies saying the opposite of everything I just wrote. Please don’t. I don’t care anymore.)

I give up.

I don’t have the energy to follow the trends.

I have OPTED OUT of the food wars.

I’m a tired mom just trying to do the best I can to feed my family. I refuse to pile guilt on myself when JUST BUYING THE GROCERIES and KEEPING THEM SEMI-IN-STOCK in our home, and KEEPING MY KIDS FED takes about all the mental capacity I have to devote to food.

Here’s some things I’m thankful for:

I’m thankful that I can buy real food for a family of eight when so many people are losing their jobs and struggling.
I’m thankful that I’m able to be home with them so that my time can be leveraged and make our budget stretch farther by me cooking from scratch.
I’m thankful I have learned how to cook a number of things from scratch. (I’m no gourmet, but I can get around in the kitchen all right.)
I’m thankful for the easy-peasy convenience foods we use from time to time (to give me a freaking break without freaking breaking our wallet).
I’m thankful that I came to this mothering gig before the “your baby needs to eat non-GMOed-fermented-organic-kale as his first food” mantra was in existence. (OK, I don’t think that’s a mantra. But it’s not far off from being able to be a believable mantra, right?) I’m glad I was a mom before this food stuff reached a fever pitch, because now I recognize it as unnecessary and dispensable advice.
I’m thankful for the mental space, and internet access, available to write to all of you ladies about this.

We mostly can’t afford organic, and we don’t eat the best. But we don’t eat the worst either. I try to feed my family real, wholesome food, and limit the unpronounceable ingredients. I’ve watch the documentaries like Food Inc., Fat, Sick & Nearly Dead, and King Corn. And I try to cut through the hype and learn little bits that will help me make livable, sustainable, budgetarily-reasonable choices for our family.

I think my kids eat more veggies than I did growing up, and last year we switched out the boxed cereals for oatmeal. Now we’re switching to steel-cut. And ya know, maybe someone will release a study this week indicating that that’s terrible. If so, don’t write me a comment about it.

I’m just saying, we’re making changes that we’re pleased with.

That’s my point–

We do the best we can. And that’s all we can do for now. I bet you do too.

I’m not going to let the scary documentaries, bully dietitians on daytime TV, latest fad diets, and baby food diet “experts” (who maybe don’t even have kids themselves) make me take on a heap of guilt over something like this. And I want to encourage you not to either.

HERE IS MY MANTRA, and I offer it to you as well:

Do the best you can.

Live in grace.

Drop-kick guilt to the curb every time it rears its ugly head.

And be grateful.

And I will too.

The end.

Blessings to you and your family,

Jess Connell

P.S. If you or your child has a medical issue or allergies with certain foods/whatever, please don’t think this is an attack on you or your family. The mantra goes for you too. Hang in there.

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In life, we could just put one foot in front of the other and “make it”. OR, we can live intentionally and really engage in the adventure of sanctification God has laid out for us.

This is true of all areas of life, but it’s definitely true for married life. Here are some ways that Doug and I have gone about intentionally living in, growing in, and fortifying our marriage:

1. WE TALK, TALK, TALK. That doesn’t mean that’s all we do… but we talk through the things on our minds and hearts. The stresses, the good things. The difficult and wonderful things.

“HIGH/LOW”— with this, you just share the “HIGH” and the “LOW” for that particular day. It’s a low time commitment, but that way you’re seeing the good and hard things in each other’s lives. We don’t do this very often now, because we’re so used to talking about life together. But in the beginning of our marriage, particularly in the seasons where we were spending more time apart than together, this helped us to develop the habit of regular communication about the things that matter.
At dinner, make a point to really talk and listen to each other. Even if it’s only for 5-10 minutes of the meal, intentionally connect during that time. Sure, when you have little ones, one of you is cutting pieces of chicken into smaller bites and the other one is grabbing a dish towel cause the child who always spills something at every meal has struck again… but that’s life. Smile. Look at one another. Enjoy those moments together.
Simple conversation starters. “What’s on your mind?” Or, “What are you reading about?”

2. WE SERVE EACH OTHER. He pours me big glasses of sweet tea. I make meals that he specifically likes. He gives me a foot rub several nights a week while we talk on the couch. I organize his books. He’ll take the kids to the park so I can have some writing time. I keep the kids quiet some mornings so he can sleep in an extra hour or two. We BOTH contribute to each other’s sanity in big and small ways.

3. WE KEEP THE PHYSICAL “FIRES” BURNING. Long-time readers know this is a big one for me. It’s also one that I don’t want to give too many specifics about in such a public forum. You can always e-mail me if you want to talk through specific questions/situations, etc.

But I will say these things: He’s not the only one who initiates. We make this part of our relationship a very crucial, regular, fun, growing, and passionate priority. We work hard to make this a really wonderful time to come together and re-connect. We still flirt with each other.

And we don’t say no.

On that last point, here are some things that help me put it into perspective:

When I’m 75, or one day at my husband’s funeral, will I look back with regret at consistently (or even occasionally) having told him “no” when he tried to pursue me? Or with satisfaction and thankfulness because I really did get outside of myself and love and serve my dh in this area of marital intimacy?
Have I ever regretted doing it? (For many women, “it’s like exercise”– even when you weren’t wanting to, you’re never sorry once you’ve done it.)
I’m the only woman who can righteously love my husband in this way.
A friend of mine likened intimacy for women to a campfire… if you keep the coals warm, it’s easier to get things blazing again than if you let the fire go out between uses. SO, don’t go too long between times. Keep those coals warm and ready for a regular fire. Yes, I’m saying have sex more often, not less.
The optimal sexual encounter lasts between 3 and 13 minutes. SURELY we can make time for 3 to 13 minutes, even on our busiest days!

4. WE STILL DATE EACH OTHER. Ours doesn’t look like actual “go out to the movies” kind of dates very often … BUT, our kids are in bed every night by 7:30/8pm. So, we can kind of have a date night whenever we want. Sometimes we’ll watch a comedy and laugh together. Or we’ll sit on the couch and read together, with our legs touching and the occasional smile and wink as we turn a page. Little things like that can really re-connect you in the midst of the storm. The point is to take time to BE together and enjoy it.

WAYS TO BUILD THE RELATIONSHIP THROUGHOUT EACH DAY:

Before he leaves for work, give him a hug and tell him something about him that you respect.
Text him something encouraging— a reason you are thankful for him.
When he passes you in the kitchen while you’re making dinner, flirt with each other… don’t lose sight of the fact that this was the man that 3, 10, or 35 years ago, you couldn’t WAIT to be around!
Get on the same page about the things that matter… money, kids, extended family relationships, time management, etc. Talk through these things and approach them as working together as a team rather than as each of you picking the other apart or trying to “fix” what’s wrong with the other person. And respect his leadership in these areas as the head of the home.
Try to still do the things that connected you early on… holding hands, kissing for more than a short peck, leaving each other notes (if you did that), talking about baseball/music/politics (whatever it was you loved discussing together), etc.
BUT ALSO– find some new things that can connect you. Perhaps he’s knee-deep in learning about real estate, or the five points of Calvinism, or various approaches to website building, or some such thing. FIND POINTS of discussion and sharing about those things. And share with him the things YOU’RE thinking about and learning. Don’t brush each other off and just say, “oh, he’s talking about x… I’ll never understand why he cares about that.” Or “homeschooling is my thing…” and then zone out. Bring each other along for the journeys you’re both on. Delight in the things that the other is delighting in. Learn about the things that matter to him (like drafting a killer resume for his upcoming job search, or March Madness). Talk through the things that are troubling you. Share the concerns you have about a particular child’s behavior, or the relationship with the in-laws, or the direction your church is heading.

SHARE LIFE

TOGETHER!

Don’t just live life on parallel tracks… get on the SAME track and travel it together. Something I find helpful during stressful moments is to realize that this is God’s adventure for OUR lives. This is my real marriage. This is my real family.

THIS IS MY REAL LIFE. THIS IS MY REAL MARRIAGE.

I won’t get these moments back; I won’t get a re-do.

The way I’m living now can’t be altered later. The way my marriage is now can’t be erased and re-written. I need to walk in the way that I will want to have walked when I am old.

What tips would you add to my list?

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Q: My 2.5 year old son is having tantrums, laying on the floor, thrashing and screaming. I feel like something is wrong! Is this normal? What do I do?

A: Yes, this is something “normal.” Tantrums are without a doubt something you will face as mom, and every single one of my children has tried to pitch a fit, throw a tantrum, scream and fuss, whine and holler, stomp, and/or lay down and thrash on the ground (well, not Theo yet, but he’s only 8 months old… give him time, and –sadly– he will too).

It’s part of living with a little sinner who wants to go his own way.

He thinks he knows better than you, but needs you to be firm and not let him do things like ignoring what you say, screaming, and throwing tantrums.

EVERYTHING STOPS

The very *SECOND* something like that happens, everything in his world should come to a screeching halt until he adjusts to mom’s way of thinking and acting. However long that takes. No more playing, no snack, no “first let me ____,” no psychobabble/excuses. Definitely no bribing him to stop.

First things first. Use a firm voice: “Stand up and stop acting that way.” See to it that he stops. When he realizes that you mean business and will not allow anything else in life to happen until he complies, he’ll muster up some self-control.

Really. So keep at it however long it takes, until he stands up (on his own two feet– don’t allow any of this pull-up-the-feet-and-refuse-to-stand business) and stops.

Many women I encounter stop me at this point and say, “but you don’t understand. My child is so stubborn/strong-willed/angry/physically strong.” Yes. Yes, I understand. (See the comments for more specifics on this point.) But yes, I mean you. And yes, I mean your child, no matter how willful, difficult, or strong-willed.

Persevere and do not let your child do anything else happen until the tantrum stops.

[The only time I do this differently is if we are out in public, and thus subjecting others to the drama. At that point, I stop whatever I’m doing– yes, even grocery shopping– and either move to an out of the way place where we can talk face to face (me kneeled down at face level, or out to the car) without distractions. Do not subject others to your child’s foolish, annoying, loud shenanigans. Regardless though, everything stops and we deal with the tantrum, UNTIL. Until normality of attitude is resumed.]

At that point, life goes on, pleasantly.

COACH WITH SHORT, OBEY-ABLE SENTENCES

You coach him to do whatever it was that frustrated him, but in the way he *ought* to do it- “Ask mommy nicely for your snack,” or “Ask mommy to help you put the train track together,” or, “We are not leaving the store right now. You need to wait just a little longer until we finish shopping,” or “You may not go outside right now. Sit here and snuggle by mom and look at books.”

Do not get into long explanations or psychoanalytical feelings-type language. If he’s throwing a fit because he wanted a particular book on the store shelf, it’s OK to say, “I know you wanted that book.” But then move on.

Use short, obey-able sentences, like:

“Look in mommy’s eyes.” (Wait for him to look. Boys can be particularly bad about this, and work fiercely to look anywhere else but your eyes. Outlast him. Block out other perspectives and direct his chin to where his face is looking at you. Do not do anything else until he looks and holds your gaze.)
“You must not fuss that way, yes ma’am?” (I’m from the south. We say “yes ma’am.” Insert the phrase of your choosing, but something where he is affirming your authority and his intention to obey. “Yes mom,” “Ok, mommy,” etc. are fine alternatives.)
“Now, stop fussing.” (Expect that he does. You are his right and loving authority, and he can stop himself, truly.)
Sometimes follow-up sentences about posture/facial expressions are necessary with this… “Pick up your head. Open your eyes. Uncross your arms.” Etc. Many children display physical characteristics that let you see exactly what is going on in their hearts. Coach them to physically change their posture or facial expression from a state of grumping and slumping to an attitude and appearance of facing the world cheerfully.

Then I help them wipe their eyes/nose/face if they need it, encourage them to take a deep breath, and then I sometimes redirect their attention to something pleasant (“Look at that kitty cat!”). Not at all in a coaxing way, but in order to help reset their minds.

Any HINT of the return of fussiness merits the same response. Everything stops until the grumping stops.

BE AUTHORITATIVE AND FIRM

Honestly, if you are firm and direct, every single time he does this, these outbursts will almost entirely end very soon. While my kids continue to try to have tantrums from time to time, they are shut down very quickly, and we move on to pleasant things.

In my opinion, advice like “ignore it” or “put them in their room” allows these miserable emotional (not to mention LOUD) displays to go on and on indefinitely… for minutes, or even hours at a time… and then for days upon days of walking around on eggshells, waiting for the next episode of emotional volatility or dramatic eruptions. All the while the child is developing a habit of raging about the things they want, and an unhealthy, emotional fixation on the things that irritate and bother them. These are not attitudes I want to be reinforced or unaddressed in my children’s hearts and lives.

Just stop the whole thing as soon as it starts. Train your child in the way he should go– not at all in an ugly way– just straightforwardly. Teach him how to behave. Show him what he ought to do and do not allow dramatic nonsense to carry on and on. Within a second or two of the eruption, stop him. See that he stops. Then move on pleasantly and enjoy the day together. You may even find that by watching your children carefully, you can begin to tell when a tantrum is oncoming, and help them to stop it before it starts by coaching them through how to handle disappointment or frustration.

This is all about having firm, no-nonsense consistency. Our culture has a real authority problem, but kids recognize when someone in the room knows they are the authority. We’ve all seen and experienced it, where the kid who’s a real pill pushes everyone around until he meets the hard-nosed teacher who won’t put up with it. She’s the authority and they both know it.

So, be the authority. Not in a bullying, ugly, angry way, but in a firm, “I’m 5000% serious, and there is absolutely zero chance of this continuing to happen.” sort of way.

AFTER you deal with the immediate issue of the tantrum, then you go on and parent as usual. No grumping, shock, or bitterness on your part. Be pleasant and enjoy him.

He is still your sweet boy, but he is (like the rest of us) a sinner who will fight tooth and nail to have things his own way if he possibly can. Some children absolutely put up more of a fight than others, but make no mistake– they all want to have their own way, regardless of personality.

Galatians 6:9 tells us not to grow weary in well doing because there is a harvest to be reaped in due time if we don’t give up. You are doing well to your son when you take time to stop him, require that he stand up, stop lashing around like a foolish child, look you in the eye, be respectful, and obey your voice. You are teaching him, by the way you follow through and see that he listens to you, how he should respond to the authority and voice of God.

REMEMBER: IT’S AN OPPORTUNITY

Instead of seeing tantrums as a horrible, embarrassing thing, see it as an opportunity to address something in your child’s heart that desperately needs to be dealt with.

When your child erupts into a tantrum, God has given you a BIG moment where you can teach your child to listen to you, to trust your instructions over his/her feelings, and to have self-control in the midst of disappointment, frustration, rage, or uncertainty. This is an investment in your child’s future– you are teaching him/her to be emotionally stable and not fly off the handle into rages or controlling emotions because of life’s disappointments. You are training him/her how to respond to challenges and difficulties.

This is a golden and rich opportunity for you as the parent!

Every kid tries it.

But it doesn’t have to continue.

It’s a learning opportunity for you both, and an opportunity for him to grow in maturity and self-control. It’s one of the many ways that God has put you as an influence and authority in your child’s life in order for you to guide him in the way he should go.

Click here for more specifics on how to handle tantrums.

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Sometimes life blindsides us. It could be any number of things. But sometimes in life, we feel like everything has exploded around us, and nothing is as it was before.

(For us, some of them have been death of a parent while he was driving to our wedding, miscarriage x3, job loss, unexplained illness, hurting/sick relatives, an unexpected move, car accidents, the loss of community…)

Here is what I have learned to do in moments when the world goes chaotic around me:

Remember God’s faithfulness. This is no trite slogan. He is dependable. He is the eternal God who provided manna in the desert and a way through the sea. Isaiah 63 says, “I will recount the gracious deeds of the Lord, the praiseworthy acts of the Lord.” Remind yourself, audibly (say it out loud) and/or visually (write it and keep it in front of your face), of what he has done for you before. Name every single thing He brings to mind. Times of sickness, need, sorrow, pain, will come to your mind. Remind yourself of every time He has been faithful to you or anyone you know in any way. He meets every need we have, and so many wants as well. He is always, incredibly, overwhelmingly, wonderfully faithful. Every time. Always.
Be still. The tendency is to want to churn. Especially if something is hurtful or confusing. But stillness– forcing my heart to be still before the LORD– allows me to listen to what’s most important and tune out all the chaos. Do not be anxious. Focus on Christ as the foundation of everything.
Trust in God. Mindfully. Prayerfully. Fully. Intentionally. Truly, what this means for me practically is that in those moments when every single need is popping into mind, that I remember that God knows everything I need. That I express my need to Him, and keep on–moment by moment– choosing to rest in Him.
Hunker down and hug the people closest to you. Even if it’s the kid who has done something foolish. Even if it’s the husband you still feel frustrated with because he made a costly mistake. Even if you’re not sure it means anything or changes anything. Even if it feels hollow in the moment. Keep hugging.
Let the people closest to you “hug” you. It is so tempting, when we are in need, to tense up and keep people at arms’ distance. But you have to choose to abandon your pride, abandon the illusion of self-dignity and independence, and let them in. This doesn’t mean you expose your wounds to anyone at all, but let the people closest to you be close enough to hug you and hold you while you weep. Let them help you, bring dinner, do your dishes… let the Body of Christ BE the Body when you need them.
Ask for forgiveness the minute you realize you need it. When you are in a tight spot, attitudes will come out. The ugly things that can at other times stay hidden below the surface– your desire for peace and quiet, annoyance with mess, frustration with someone’s tone of voice– come out at times when stress is higher and patience is lower. Ugly things surface and make themselves known. So, rather than growing bitter, defensive, and divided, ask forgiveness. This is an opportunity to realize how much you need to grow, and an opportunity to grow, more like Jesus.
Keep talking. This is huge for Doug and I. Even if it’s speaking hard truths. Even if it’s asking a question out loud that both of us know for certain we don’t know the answer to. Just keeping on turning toward God and toward one another with our communication has been EXTREMELY important in the times of greatest stress in our lives.
Take the long view. Put this “momentary affliction” in light of all the other things that have happened in life and all of the good. Eternity is a long time, and God’s plans are bigger than we can see from our tiny perspective here.
Stay connected to God, as a branch stays connected to the vine. Keep drawing life-giving sustenance from His Word. Pray. Lift your hands to worship His name. Offer a sacrifice of praise to the Lord Almighty, even– especially– in your pain.
Be thankful. Less than two weeks ago, we were faced with an incredibly difficult set of circumstances. Instantaneously, our lives went from relatively stable to completely out of whack. Within a couple hours, the Lord reminded me to start a “thankful list.” It really is of mental, spiritual, emotional, attitudinal benefit to list out and counsel your own heart to be thankful for every possible thing. Start a list…. and keep adding to it.
Do the next thing. Just do the next logical, right thing. Fold the laundry. Put the milk away. Change the baby’s diaper. Feed the dog. Do the next thing. Keep doing what makes sense and put one foot in front of the other.
Keep an eye toward what God is doing. Recently a friend of mine died, after ninety years on this earth. I remember when her husband died, after they’d shared fifty-nine years of marriage, and how broken-hearted she was. One day at our weekly prayer meeting, she told me that she often looked toward the eastern sky and wondered if God would let her see Jesus come back. Even in her grief, she was prayerfully plugged into God’s work, and she had eternity in view. We can do the same. Keep your eyes attuned to what God is doing around you.

God has so many things to teach us in moments of shock, pain, grief, frustration, hurt, and sorrow. These twelve habits have helped me to turn to God in those moments in my life, to hear what He is saying, and to focus on His goodness even amidst the difficulties. I hope they will help others, too.

Image courtesy of: stockphotos/freedigitalphotos.net

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HAVE PEACE in my parenting decisions.

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When a friend recently shared her hurts… exposed her weak places… whispered of her doubts and her questions, in the midst of suffering, here is some of what I wrote to her.

I offer it to you, too, if you are in a wounded, hurting place:

Sounds like God has you in the crucible. It is not an easy place to be.

I spent a lot of time in James 1 and in the Psalms when we kept getting slammed by storms.

(((hugs))) I’m sorry you’re hurting.

Looking back over some pieces of my own suffering, I can now see that God has used the hard things– the doctrinal dogmatism of my grandfather, the disowning my mother received while we were growing up, my father-in-law’s death, having our first baby spend his first week in the NICU, my husband’s (still) unexplained sickness, us having to leave the place we loved (China) and go to a place we did not (initially) love, three miscarriages, high levels of stress & exhaustion, and recent rejection and criticism (and more)– all for our good.

I really do look back and see God’s refining hand in each time of difficulty. James 1 talks about the purposes of suffering being to produce character in us… God means to sharpen and shape us in the crucible. It’s hot in there… it hurts in there… but it is for our good.

He is making us into sanctified, holy people, set apart for Him so that we can be more useful to Him and more useful in the lives of others. People who have not suffered and found God faithful can not successfully minister and confidently point a suffering, groaning world to our faithful God.

Hebrews tells us that no discipline is pleasant at the time, but that it produces a harvest of righteousness in those who have been trained by it. When you walk through times of suffering, He is disciplining (teaching/training) you in ways that will ultimately lead to your good if you do not give up.

Lean in to your Father. Trust His good motives and His bigger vision. Press on, persevere! Sit and cry in the church service, if you need to cry, but keep going to service. Struggle through your Bible reading… but keep reading.

Keep pressing into the Savior who knows our hurts, sees every hidden thing in our hearts, and loves us and lavishes grace on us.

Trust Him. Lean in to Him.

He means it for your good.

MORE THOUGHTS ON THIS SUBJECT OF SUFFERING:

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In the outset, I need to admit that I’ve never read a Janet Evanovich novel. I gather that they are somewhat-steamy romantic books with fun-loving, self-deprecating main characters who are always in a lovable bind. I’m not a romance book reader, and actually have serious concerns/disagreements with the way these books are written, and the way they often lead to unrealistic, physically-founded male-female relationships rather than promoting whole (spiritual, mental, emotional, physical) and God-honoring relationships between a man and woman.

However, when I came across her tome on writing at Half Price Books, How I Write: Secrets of a Bestselling Author, I knew I needed to get it and read it. As with people I encounter in real life, no one is “out of bounds” as a person that I can learn from (whether that is what TO do/be, or what NOT to do/be).

Janet Evanovich is a delightful and inspirational person who has written fiction that resonates and continually draws humans to read, so despite the fact that she writes in a genre I eschew (and do not desire to emulate), the general disciplines and attitude she brings to writing are valuable and worthy for examination and learning. Her tips on character and plot development, editing and refining, and pursuing publication are encouraging and honest. I highly recommend the book.

Let me share a few things I loved:

It is immensely READABLE. This is not professorial, heady language; you will not struggle to stay awake. She writes like you would expect her to speak to you over a nice dinner. Evanovich offers specific answers and good writing advice, but delivers it with wit and cheer.
She EFFICIENTLY offers advice. She answers the questions, but does not shilly-shally about, or belabor her points.
Examples are given to lend CREDIBILITY to her advice. Her book is thoughtfully peppered with passages from her books in order to display how to write a memorable character, how to up the ante when writing a tense scene, how to braid together backstory and plot advancement in a clever dialogue. She also offers helpful, detailed visual aids for query letters and standard manuscript formatting.
Evanovich is TRUTHFUL. While she offers plenty of encouragement TO write, this is no pie-in-the-sky “you can do it” motivational speech. She shares about her ten years of rejection letters, and continually points back to a “sit down and start typing” approach to getting the job done.

“When people ask what you do, tell them you’re a writer. Put yourself on the line.”
“All writers are people watchers. If you want characters that ring true, take a really close look at the people around you… then let your imagination run wild.”
“Nothing is more tedious than reading a story where every character uses identical speech patterns.
“I don’t get writers block because I don’t believe in it. I believe you sit in front of the computer and force your fingers to get something on the screen.”
“I construct a small outline before I begin, but the book comes alive as I’m writing, and I generate ideas as I go. I know where the story will go and how it will end, but the details happen as I write.”
“Lots of times I’m not crazy about the writing, but I keep moving ahead and somehow it gets better. The important thing is to move forward.”
“I like knowing that I have a day ahead of me and at the end of that day I will have created something that did not exist that morning.”

If you’re a writer, or a writer-wanna-be, you’ll want to buy her book. It’s an excellent source of wit and wisdom from a bestselling author who has done it, and is doing it, day in, day out.

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Last week, I wrote about how I stop tantrums lickety-split.

Make no mistake, I’m an advocate for parental authority and consistent discipline:

But it made me think– I am coming at these things from a perspective of having GREAT AFFECTION FOR my children, and lavishing GREAT AFFECTION ON my children every day. And, sadly, I am quite certain that not everyone nowadays knows what that looks like.

This greatly affects how parenting advice plays out in the life of a family. Consistent, biblical parenting is meant to be carried out in the context of a loving, affectionate relationship.

I believe the firm authority of a mother is meant to be carried out within the beautiful context of a very affectionate, loving relationship.

PRACTICAL WAYS TO SHOW LOVE TO YOUR CHILDREN

So let me share some of the *regular* forms of affection I share with my children (currently ages 11, 9, 7, 5, 3, and 8 months). Most of these are daily, a few might be once/week-type actions or activities:

I tell them “good morning” every day, usually with a simple touch to the arm, or while smiling at them and cupping their chin with my hand.
We snuggle on the couch together, usually with the child tucked into the crook of my arm.
I pat their arm or give them a side hug while we talk.
They tell me their jokes. Even if the joke doesn’t make sense (which, they mostly *don’t* with kids about 7-8 and under), I smile, offer genuine laughs when they come, and affirm their efforts.
I look them in the eyes and give them my full attention when they speak to me. (This means looking up from the phone without distractedness or annoyance.)
I try to smile big whenever I see them. This happens tons and tons of times a day.
We talk about what is going on in their lives– big and small. (They show me Lego creations or drawings; I draw out deeper things from my roughly 7 and older crew when I sense that there are undercurrents of feeling left out, discouraged about something in particular, etc.)
I get down on the floor and wrestle and play with them, intermingling snuggles, wrestling, hugs, kisses, and laughter. I play knee bouncy games with the 7 and under crew, where they bounce on my raised legs, or where I even lift them up, cheerleader style, so they’re standing on my hands (when they get older it’s just too much for my hands and knees).
We share meals together where I sit down with them and we pray, talk, memorize Scripture together, laugh, comment about how cute their little brother is, etc.
One or two of them might meander into my bedroom for a snuggle first thing in the morning before we get up, bleary-eyed.
I shower them with kisses. This decreases in frequency as they get older.
I hug them often. This does not decrease in frequency.
We laugh together.
I tickle them and they ask for more tickles. (I always stop if they ask me to “stop,” and they all love to be tickled. Theo even signed “more” when we would stop tickling him as a baby. I *think* this is because they know I will not exceed their boundaries in this area. They can always say “stop” and I will, immediately.)
I zuburt them, and they ask for more zuburts. (After finding that link, I realize that I’ve been mispronouncing it– and misspelling it– all these years. Oh well.)
I rub their backs or give neck/leg massages when they seem sore/tight/achy, or are having growing pains.
I ask them questions like, “Do you know how special you are to me?” and “Do you know you’re my favorite 9-year-old in the whole wide world?“
I respond to their requests to color/build blocks/design a train track/do doll hair *sometimes*. I am not primarily their playmate, but I am willing to play, from time to time, because I love them and want to spend time with them when I am free to do it.
They cook with me and I tell them they’re doing a good job.
We take walks together and hold hands.
We dance silly together to fun music like LeCrae.
I tell them “I love you” often.
I hug and scratch their backs.
We swim and play together outside. (Occasionally I even join them on the trampoline.)
I sometimes reach and hold their hand if I am in the front passenger seat and they are in a car seat, or when we are on the couch.
For little babies: I keep them close in slings, sometimes. I kiss their toes, their nose, etc. We play little games where I list out all their body parts, pointing to each one and saying that God made it.
I listen to them. Even when it’s stuff I’m not necessarily interested in (though this has it’s limits. Sometimes mom has a migraine, or is cooking and focused on following a recipe, or needs quiet afternoon time, or whatever. I am not advocating for boundary-less living, but self-sacrificial love will sometimes mean listening to an extensive description of a WWII battle tank, a silly rendition of a favorite song, or how our daughter just made up a nonsensical story with her My Little Ponies).
I talk to them. We talk about politics, what bill I’m paying and how much it is this month, why I chose to spray paint my writing desk yellow, ideas for how to build a chicken coop, reasons why we opt out of certain things in order to spend more time together as a family, etc.
We opt to take one or more children with us when we have an errand to run, even when we don’t “have to.”
We use LOTS of pet names (little squish, sweet potato, doodle, punkin pie, baby man, noodle baby, stinker pie, squishy-ba-dishy, little man-man, snuggle-buggle, precious baby girl, etc.).
As they get older (more toward 7-11+), I ask them their opinions about things... we talk about life and the implications of different decisions and I affirm whenever they display any amount of wisdom or insight.
I read books to them aloud (yes, even to my oldest son who in youth group).
We hug and kiss them goodnight, every night.
We sing songs together, especially at bedtime. (Their favorite, most-requested is “Amazing Grace.”)
I pray for them, out loud at bedtime, whenever I put them to bed. (Admittedly, bedtime is normally a daddy-duty around here, but whenever I put them to bed, I pray aloud for them.) For all of the children, I pray that they will sleep well, sleep all night, and be refreshed and ready for a new day the next morning. If anyone has been struggling with fear or night-wakings, I thank God that He tells us “Do not be afraid, for I am with you.” I verbalize, “When I am afraid, I will trust in You,” and ask that He would remove any fear and teach them to trust in Him. I pray for my sons that they will grow up to be honest, honorable, hard-working men who protect the women and children God puts in their lives. I pray that they will prize Scripture and become more like Jesus every day. I pray that they will be kind to one another, patient with their sister, and become servant-hearted men like their daddy. For my daughter, I pray that she will grow to be a woman who loves Jesus and knows Scripture. I pray that she will be a kind-hearted woman who uses her words to encourage and build up others. I pray that she will be a blessing to her brothers.

This is something that is important to understand… as Christian parents,

We are not pursuing the robotic subjection of our children.
We are not dictators, and they are not cowering subjects.

We are pursuing a loving, affectionate relationship with them, as we train them to obey, coach them through life, teach them what’s right, and help them walk in the way they should go.

LOVING them with GREAT AFFECTION allows us to discipline them with great consistency and confidence, and enjoy life alongside them within the context of a joyful family.

IN THE COMMENTS, PLEASE SHARE: What are ways you show love to your kids that you would add to my list?

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Discontentment and comparison often accompany one another.

Comparison will always kill joy, whether it’s comparing UP or comparing DOWN.

COMPARING UP?

It is interesting to consider that when we compare, if our hearts are yearning for self-pity, we compare up.

If it’s about our home, we compare ourselves to the gal at church or the rich cousin with the nicer home. We don’t compare ourselves to the poor women at church who just got evicted from her apartment because her husband lost his job. Nor do we, in that moment, compare ourselves to the woman whose situation is slightly worse off (financially speaking).

If it’s about our appearance, we compare ourselves to the woman who can afford nice things, the one who gets regular mani/pedis, the one who buys department store makeup and has a gym membership. We don’t compare ourselves to the woman who has an even *TIGHTER* budget than our own.

OR COMPARING DOWN?

And when we compare, if our hearts are yearning for pride and self-worth, we compare down.

If it’s about our home, we compare ourselves with the woman who hasn’t a clue about decorating, or the one whose house is a pigsty. When our soul’s goal is pride, we don’t compare ourselves to the woman with slightly more organizational know-how or design flair than we possess, or to the woman who has a better knack for putting colors and fabrics together.

If it’s about our appearance, we compare ourselves to the haggard woman, the one with frumpy out-of-date clothes, or the one who is overweight and out of shape.

No matter which way it goes, comparison is ugly, tempting us to compare ourselves to the rich and beautiful for self-pity, or to the poor and ugly for a sense of superiority, never the opposite.

And I’m not encouraging any of us to make the opposite comparisons, necessarily.

For the most part, I think we should avoid comparisons, although, very occasionally, comparisons can be helpful (i.e., Last summer, when a friend received heartbreaking news, it put my own woes and temporary grumps and gripes in perspective of her great loss, and gave me good perspective. Her hurts silenced my complaints.).

Mostly, though, I think we should opt to dropkick the comparisons to the curb, and feed our minds with truth.

DON’T COMPARE, CONSIDER

Instead of comparing, the Bible encourages us to “consider” certain things–

“Fear the LORD and serve him… consider what great things He has done for you.” ~1 Samuel 12:24
“Stop and consider the wondrous works of God.” ~Job 37:14
“Blessed is the one who considers the poor! In the day of trouble, the LORD delivers him.” ~Psalm 41:1
“Whoever is wise… let him consider the steadfast love of the LORD.” ~Psalm 107:43
“Look at the ant, o sluggard; consider her ways, and be wise.” ~Proverbs 6:6
“In the day of prosperity be joyful, and in the day of adversity consider: God has made the one as well as the other.” ~Ecclesiastes 7:14
“Why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.” ~Matthew 6:28-29
“Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds!” ~Luke 12:24
“You must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus.” ~Romans 6:11
“I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing to the glory that is to be revealed to us.” ~Romans 8:18
“Consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world… so that no human being might boast in the presence of God” ~1 Corinthians 1:26
“Let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, but encouraging one another.” ~Hebrews 10:24-25
“[Look] to Jesus, …who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted.” ~Hebrews 12:2-3
“Remember your leaders, those who spoke to you the word of God. Consider the outcome of their way of life, and imitate their faith.” ~Hebrews 13:7

When we keep scripture as our standard, rather than people, our perspective changes.

We begin to consider all the things God has done for us… all the things He has done, period. We consider ourselves in light of eternity, and consider ourselves in light of the vast universe He holds and cares for each day. We get a vision for life that is bigger than ourselves and our comparisons.

Look to what GOD tells you to focus on, rather than what Facebook, magazines, Pinterest, and even your own deceitful heart, tell you to focus on.

Comparison kills; considering Scripture gives life.

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It can be easy, as a stay at home mom, to forget the significance of what you are doing.

In our modern busy-busy-busy, degreed, careered, materialistic, overcommitted society, it is easy to devalue the perfect normalcy of the simple everyday routine, and how that will sear warmth and joy and security into our children’s souls.

For example, studies continually show that sit-down meals as a family echo out for decades into a child’s future. That one action affects things like a child’s performance in school, likelihood to try drugs, and future obesity levels. The family dinner, that used to be a given in virtually every home, is now almost a radical act of cultural disobedience.

We are incomparably blessed as mothers.

There is no role in society like ours.

I am fairly confident that I could rival any supermodel in the amounts of flowers I’ve been given (if dandelions count), the number of smiles I’ve gotten, the number of times someone has clamored for my attention, and the number of compliments I’ve been given in my life. On the rare day when I wear a necklace to church, I’ll hear–multiple times over– some variation of: “I wike yo pitty neck-us mommy.”

Truly, it is a rich blessing to have precious uniquely-built souls looking to you, smiling at you, reaching out arms to you, with little hearts eager for your notice of their latest accomplishment. Each child watches and learn from mom about the world– and each child offers love with such open, tenderhearted affection.

Eternal significance oozes out of the pores of the pregnant mother.

Until this last century, every single human being knew it, and reverenced it.

As the pregnant woman nurtures a new life, she is brought near to the Creator– the giver of souls– and she watches as His creativity is revealed yet again right before her eyes:

The miraculous first hours of wonder, awe, fear, and reverence with a new baby roll over into
Sleepless nights, which roll over into
A new normal as a family, which rolls over into
Getting to know a new little blossoming personality, which rolls over into
Following this little wandering soul around your house 24/7 because they’re too little to really understand words and rules and no-nos, but just big enough to be curious about everything and just risky enough to try to find out, which rolls over into
Defiance and determination the likes of which you’re convinced the world has never seen, which rolls over into
Figuring out house norms and rules together as parents and child, which rolls over into
Repetitive daily life.

And it’s that last one that really seeps into all of the others.

It’s that last one– repetitive daily life– that can cause some mothers to think, “this is dull/unimportant/insignificant.”

It is easy to believe lies about what is significant.

We all want to believe that what we are doing is weighty.

We are bombarded by worshipful images and messages that communicate that career-minded workaholic women are to be admired. Society repetitively communicates to us that “me-time“, mani/pedis, perfect hair, and dream-chasing are where joy, dignity, and value will be found.

(Psst. Even though you may not have seen an example of the kind of mother your child needs for you to be, you are utterly irreplaceable in the life of your child. You are one of a kind, and God has uniquely fitted you for the position He’s put you in as a mother. What’s more, this is the one crack at life that you– and your child– get.)

Last night I went out to finish up the project that has taken up my extra time for weeks– the one where I bit off more than I can chew and yet here I am, still chewing, and miraculously it’s coming along like I hoped it would– building the chicken coop.

I walked out to the workshop alone, and brought my phone and earbuds so I could listen to a sermon and have a little down time.

But almost immediately after I walked into the workshop, I heard the door open and close behind me.

Baxter (my 9-year-old) asked if he could help build the coop. So moments later, we were nailing reclaimed boards up for siding on my blueprint-less chicken coop when he said, “it’s amazing that you can just think up and do something like this, ya know?”

(While I’d like to let his comment hang in ambiguity so that you all would think he was saying that about me, I should clarify that he was saying this about the universal “you,” as in, “it’s amazing that a person can just think up and do something like this.”)

So then Baxter and I shared an inspiring-to-me exchange about how God has made us humans creative, like Him, and how incredible it is– the things we can accomplish, when we put our minds to it. I told him how excited I was to see what God would give him to think up and do in his lifetime.

Those moments just happen. And we can’t script them.

They are the overflow. Special moments of encouragement, conversation, and soul-building are what happens as time marches on and the little days with infants roll over into exhausting days spent training toddlers to be pleasant and abide by rules, which roll over into enjoyable days spent with older children.

The truth about quality time… and I hesitate ever-so-slightly to say it because I wish you could hear my heart in it… but the truth about quality time is this:

Quality time is a myth made up by busy people.

Quality time is experienced in the unexpected moments that crop up during quantity time.

And we instinctively know this to be true, because we experience it in our other relationships and areas of life.

When we have a mad-dash crammed-full-of-relatives holiday, we don’t feel that we’ve suddenly gotten to know their hearts and seen a glimpse of their souls. We’ve gotten a quick-and-dirty update. We’ve seen their pretty, cleaned-up-like-it-won’t-be-for-the-rest-of-the-year house, and they’ve seen us in our well-chosen outfit that hides our postpartum fat rolls as best we are able. We’ve all stuffed ourselves with food and information, and we go home full but not truly satiated.

We know it when we take a May-term class and get the “gist” of the class, but miss out on the regular interactions with a wise professor that shape our souls in unexpected and foundational ways. The 3-week quick version simply can not provide the same experience that a semester-long, week-in, week-out class provides.

A fast food meal, passed through a window, fills the belly, but does not in any way compare to a sit-down meal, cooked by the home or restaurant chef, accompanied by good conversation and time to laugh and relax.

When we finally meet “the one,” we ache to be together. One date every so often would not produce the kind of relationship that satisfies… no, sometimes it is difficult to even say goodbye at night (even when we know we’ll see each other early the next morning). We long to KNOW and be KNOWN… our souls long to connect with another human being in intimate, satisfying, mutually beneficial, secure ways.

What have you experienced in your family? What do you think about the quality/quantity time dichotomy?

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