After last week’s topic (Should Kids’ Screentime Be Unlimited?) a reader asked:

Q: how do you let them watch a video/cartoon without the younger (under 2) seeing it or wanting to see it? He’s in the same room or walks by, for example, and now he likes to watch (and asks to) at an even younger age than my first cared to.

I feel awful about it but sometimes it really does help.. If I need to get dressed or take care of a task, or do something on the computer and they won’t stop pulling at me.

As an aside from my original question, how do you “go back” after you’ve already opened the door of cartoon entertainment and they expect it & ask for it? :-/

A: I simply don’t let them stay in the area of a video when they are younger than 2. Something medical I read early on in my mothering talked about the still-developing eyes of children up to about age 2. So for me personally, it’s non-negotiable. That doesn’t mean I freak out if they’re in the room with a screen, I just don’t let them sit down or focus on it for longer than a few seconds. Even after 2, I am cautious. I use baby gates, pack and plays, distractions, and my verbal direction to keep a young child away from a screen.

(And yes, I did this even when my kids were all little. This has been my m.o. for 13+ years now. I know it’s hard; but you really can do it if you want to! Mothers have been mothering little ones without TVs for thousands of years.)

Our 3-year-old sits and watches videos with us but they are videos for the family, together… rarely do the kids watch their own videos, and rarer still would be something for him alone.

I, too, have used videos for those (roughly) once-a-year sicknesses. That’s a rare event and I’ve personally been OK with using videos for that. Even still, I don’t do it for younger children. For little ones, if I’m sick, I’ll rotate toys in a pack and play… lay on the floor near them and let them crawl and play with blocks dumped out… that kind of thing. Then I take naps WITH them to try to minimize my up-and-down.

For quiet afternoon time, I’d encourage you to use bags of books, or interesting games/toys (ZooLogic, pattern blocks, Magformers) for your preschooler. Do all you can to fight letting screen time and TV watching become a normal, daily activity in his life. Too many people are mastered by TV shows, and you have the opportunity to shape his affections for his whole life with the choices you make now! When my oldest first dropped his nap, while his little brother was napping, we had a 1-hour read-books-on-your-bed time every afternoon, and then he could come out to the living room and play quietly for another hour. Quiet wasn’t optional, but I let him choose his toys for that hour as long as he was quiet.

“Going back” is something we all have to do on a variety of things– I still have to do it sometime when I see that a choice we’ve made has gotten out of control or is mastering our children. Here are some things we’ve done it with:

  • Nintendo DS games (we were gifted a few sets and it can easily get out of control. Sometimes I’ll pack them up for 3-6 months at a go, to remind my children that they are not a “right” but a rarely-enjoyed privilege).
  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (and other franchises– Transformers, etc.)– when I see the kids getting angry about who gets to “be” a certain character, who gets to have the yellow truck, who gets to play with a particular thing, I shut it down and tell them they can’t play that thing until further notice. Anytime I see my kids being out of control about a particular thing, I restrict that area and pull it off the table for a while.
  • Screens & devices. This is something we watch really really carefully. Even e-readers can be used with a mentality that they have a “right” to use it for as long as they want.

All that to say, this is not merely a screen problem. Throughout our kids’ lives, they run the risk of being mastered by something external. So I watch for those things, and tell my kids “if you don’t exercise self-control from the inside, I’ll exercise control from the outside.” They have learned, over the years, to handle their play and devices in a controlled, kind way, and I do believe this builds self-control over the long haul. It is also the way that, as mothers, we can work to see to it that our children are not being mastered by something outside themselves.

When we see our children struggling to have a good attitude without something, that is really a cry for help. They’re telling us, just like a junkie, “I need help to ditch this thing that I feel like I need. My attitude is telling me I can’t exist happily without this thing which means, all the more, that I need your help to help me learn to function without it.”

As a side note, even without attitude problems, anytime I see an “entitlement” attitude in my kids (like you describe in your last sentence, asking for it with expectancy), I squash that. Across society, I see tons of problems with people who are entitled, and want to do everything in my power as a mom to fight that attitude in my kids, anytime I see it.

You really CAN pull back on devices. I find that (just like an alcoholic “drying out”) going cold turkey is the best way for us all to break a bad habit, and then, after a lengthy time “off” the undesirable thing, if it’s something I don’t outright think is bad/harmful, we ease back into it with a guarded attitude as I watch their attitudes for undesirable attachments to the thing.

When I want to stop something outright (or cut out a particular thing), I tell the kids, “no more watching X show for a while. It seems like you guys are arguing about it and I care more about your attitudes and relationships than the show. We can be happy without watching X. Head outside and play in the yard; it’s a beautiful day.”)

I think this (watching for the things that are influencing our kids and fighting any mastering/controlling influence) is a significant way we can help develop our children’s appetites. More on that idea here—-> WHY YOUR KIDS’ APPETITES MATTER

IN THE COMMENTS, PLEASE SHARE: How do YOU decrease TV-watching when you realize you’ve let it become too frequent in your home?

Imagine the pressure– (perhaps you feel this pressure over the holidays!?)

Christmas dinner will be at your house, and everyone’s looking to you to make it.

Only problem is, you cook infrequently, don’t really know your way around the kitchen, and are relying on ingredients you only rarely use or eat. The pressure to produce something great is at its highest, but your likelihood of producing greatness couldn’t be much lower.

It’s a high-pressure situation with a low chance of enjoyment, sure to produce disappointment for others, and discouragement for you.

If you cook only rarely, with an emphasis on special occasions, a few things happen:

  • it ups the ante for the rare times you DO cook.
  • it makes cooking more stressful, in general.
  • you are likely less talented in the kitchen than you would be if you cooked more often

But what struck me the other day was this particular truth– when you limit your cooking frequency,

  • the ability for your spouse (or family) to be able to say, “ya know, I don’t really like that” is greatly diminished.

The freedom to be honest is lacking because so much is riding on this rarely-enjoyed occasion, and no one relishes dashing the hopes of someone they love. So, some people will over-compliment it in order to be nice, and others will say nothing.

But even if someone DOES have genuine feedback that would make for a better meal, they’re less likely to offer it, because so much is riding on this one meal’s success.

But if you cook every night and every week has Taco Tuesday, there is a greater likelihood of freedom for people around you to say “those tortillas aren’t like our normal ones. I like the normal ones better.” Or to say, “I liked those new taco shells an awful lot. We should try those more often.” And- it’s less likely that the cook will get their feelings hurt about occasional negative feedback, because the opportunities to try things differently or make adjustments come so much more frequently.

Cooking more often:

  • puts less pressure on each individual meal to be amazing 
  • makes it increasingly likely that each meal will get better and better.
  • makes each individual time of cooking less stressful. 
  • AND gives more real opportunity for constructive feedback (even of the negative variety)

Honest feedback (even negative feedback) isn’t as devastating when there are lots of good meals happening, with good feedback, before the occasional piece of negative feedback is offered.

COOKING AND SEX

It occurred to me the other day that (in this way) cooking and sex are similar.

The less often you’re having sex:

  • the more every encounter has built-in pressure to be something uniquely incredible, special, important…
  • AND the more any amount of negative feedback is going to sting and be unwelcome.

But the more often sex is happening,

  • it takes the pressure off.
  • Not only are you (most likely) getting better at it,
  • but it also means that an occasional piece of not-great feedback shouldn’t ruin the big picture.
  • It makes the person receiving negative feedback more likely to able to take it in stride, because
  • each partner knows the relationship is (in general) still secure and that it’s just a one-off not-so-good thing.

Cooking and sex are similar, in that they both:

  • get better over time.
  • involve experimentation and enjoyment.
  • involve getting to know what the participants enjoy and prefer.
  • can be simple or elaborate.
  • get exponentially better, the more often you do them. 
  • give more freedom to offer honest (and even occasionally negative) feedback, the more often we do them.

Having sex frequently, like cooking frequently, allows the participants to be more specific, and more honest, with less hurt feelings over occasional negative feedback, because the overall trajectory is one of healthy growth and enjoyment alongside one another.

IN THE COMMENTS, PLEASE SHARE: Has the honesty and specificity of communication about sex increased over the course of your marriage? OR, fire back at me– do you disagree with something here? Let me hear from you!

For many years of my life, I was a slave to potty training with the little kiddy chairs. We’d tote them around the house, dutifully emptying out the little chamber underneath the plastic seat multiple times a day, even for the tiniest drops of pee (for which we’d clapped and cheered, like the good potty-training parents we were). Then we’d stash them away in the garage where they’d fade and gather spiderwebs until the next go-round.

But no more!

No. Now, my young potty-training son is using the adult potty, just like the rest of us. We don’t have a little bucket to empty out, and we won’t have to offer M&M-induced bribery to get him to transition to the bigger toilet. It’s all because of this miraculous toilet seat.

I am such a fan of this mom-friendly toilet seat that I want to tell you guys 7 reasons I love it.

  1. It’s a slow-close seat. Which means… no banging that wakes babies up from their naps or mommies up from sweet sleep in the middle of the night. It doesn’t bang, y’all. It slowly lowers down. (And all the mothers rejoiced.)
  2. It has a built-in potty-training seat. So, yay! I get to potty train without any other equipment required. No more digging out the old potty seat, or trudging to the store for another colorful little plastic pee-and-poo-catcher. AND? Any friends with kids who are potty-training can come to our house and use it, anytime, without me having to dig out a piece of equipment. It’s a hidden little gift you can offer to your friends to make their hearts sing.
  3. The smaller potty-training seat is magnetically connected to the lid. So you don’t have to mess with it, ever, unless you’re in that potty-training phase. In our house, that comes around about every 2 years. (You can also easily detach it, with just a click, to store it away, if you want to.)
  4. There is no fall-through of tiny bottoms. This is the bane of potty-training parents everywhere– their tiny little bottoms fall through the large hole of the toilet seat. But not with this seat! They can sit with confidence and focus on the main event: pottying.
  5. It’s really sturdy, and the connectors/bolts are super-strong. This is a big selling point for ANY toilet seat for me… maybe it’s because we have so many bottoms using them all day long, or maybe because we had a lot of weak/breaking toilet seats in our time overseas, but easily-broken toilet seats drive me bananas. This seat not only has strong connectors, but after a year’s use (we now have this awesome seat installed on two different toilets in our home) neither of them has budged or started wiggling to one side or weakening the way other toilet seats do.
  6. He has had ZERO fear about sitting up on different potties in other places. If you’ve used other seats and then had to make the transition you know what I’m talking about. Many of our other 6 kids have had tears, fits, and terrified expressions on their faces as we made them start transitioning to using normal toilets.
  7. It’s comparably priced to other non-potty-training-friendly toilet seats.  Seriously, if you need to replace your toilet seat anyway, why not get this one and save yourself the purchase cost later, for an additional piece of potty-training equipment? (That was my logic when I purchased two of these about a year ago, and now that I’m potty training, I couldn’t be more pleased with that decision!)

IN THE COMMENTS, PLEASE SHARE: Have you ever seen a seat like this in person? Would you buy one? 

Note: this is NOT a paid post. I am just in the throes of potty training and REALLY like this seat and decided to tell you about it. Have a nice weekend!

Sometimes we can feel like it’s wrong to ask, “why, God?” When hard times come, it’s often a natural question of our hearts… but I don’t think it’s a wrong question. The only concern I have is that I think we don’t ask it soon enough.

I want to encourage you to ask it now.

The time to decide what you believe about why God…

  • lets children get cancer,
  • allows good policemen to get shot on the job,
  • lets sexually active teens get pregnant while godly married couples face infertility,

(all the hard, niggling questions of life) …is NOT when these things happen to you, your child, your family, your best friend.

The time to ask, “how can this be good, or how could this terrible thing possibly work together for good?” is not at some future time when you face your life’s greatest trial.

The time to decide is now.

Our culture tells likes like:

“you can’t know what it’s like until you go through it.”

But that’s baloney.

In some ways, of course, it’s true:

  • No one else knows exactly what it’s like to be YOU going through YOUR trial. (Each heart knows it’s own sorrows.)
  • No one person knows all the particular difficulties of every specific tragedy and difficulty that every human being will face.

And yet:

  • We know what deep pain is.
  • We know what having a sinful heart is like.
  • We know about facing uncertainty, doubt, anxiety, and fear.
  • We know what it’s like to feel betrayed and alone.
  • We know what it’s like to have the people around us let us down.
  • As we age, we know what it’s like to feel like our health, and often the health of someone we love, is failing.
  • We know what it’s like to think we can control life and then have reality slap us upside the head.
  • We come to know what it’s like to lose someone dear to us.
  • We feel terrified by sickness and injury in someone we love.
  • Tragedy strikes and we know what it’s like to feel that the rug has just been pulled out from under us, and life no longer looks the way it did before.

These feelings are common among humanity, even if the particulars and degrees of each circumstance differ.

We *CAN*, and I believe we *SHOULD* figure out now what the Scriptures say about why God let Joseph be sold into the pit, why Job was severely afflicted (though he was godly), why the blind man was born blind, and why the wicked are sometimes given long life while some die young.

We should figure out who God is in relation to these things NOW, before:

  • OUR 6-year-old is diagnosed with cancer
  • it is OUR husband who dies and we’re left widowed with mouths to feed
  • we cannot control our own fertility in ways that we anticipated and hoped for
  • we find a lump
  • we get the phone call that rocks our world & changes our life forever

Some people ask “why, God?” but then never really lean in to hear His answer. They just let the question reverberate, echoing on repeat for the whole of their lives, robbing them of peace and rest.

But the key to understanding suffering comes in knowing, meditating on, and trusting God’s Word. There, He gives answers for:

  • why suffering exists,
  • how He uses it,
  • what it produces in our hearts and lives,
  • who He is in the midst of it,
  • what we can/should do when we’re in a trial, and
  • where He is when we’re suffering.

God doesn’t leave us dangling, hurting, and alone, without answers. In His Word, He offers us wisdom, and even can help us prepare for future suffering by increasing our knowledge of Him.

  • You can, and should, think through suffering and the Sovereignty of God before trials come.
  • You can, and should, ask the hard questions and lean in to the Word to hear God’s answers.
  • You can, and should, prepare for future hard things by taking time now to study God’s goodness amidst hard things.

IN THE COMMENTS, PLEASE SHARE:

How do you remind yourself, in your daily life, of the reality of God’s goodness amidst hard things? Do you turn TOWARD the hard questions, rather than away from them, about who God is and why He allows hard things to happen?

Devices are a sticky subject now. 20 years ago it was TV time. No matter what, though, unless you’re Amish, you have to reckon with it.

I’ll share what we do- but would love to hear your thoughts.

A Yahoo!Parenting article (which — as a sidenote– I think should be retitled more honestly as Yahoo!UNparenting, because nearly all their articles reflect a “your kids know best; cheer them on as they do odd or harmful things in life.”) recently promoted a hands-off approach to kids and devices, and they attribute this to a coming release of new AAP guidelines regarding devices:

 The new guidelines are still in progress but the AAP has released a few key messages, to include specific guidance about content and teen screen time. They’re really loosening up, which is a relief.

Later the author confesses:

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been on the receiving end of a dirty look because my kid was using a tablet (with headphones) at a restaurant. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been told my kids get too much screen time (usually by my mom) or how many times I’ve felt like I just suck as a parent when I hear other moms talk about how they severely restrict or limit screen time. If we’re going by the old AAP standard of two hours a day for kids over 2 (and none for kids under 2) then yes… I’m pretty sure my kids’ brains are rotting.

While I genuinely appreciate honesty… and believe this is an area where a lot of parents struggle with determining what boundaries are best, this article’s author seems far too lax in the way she speaks about these things.

The problem with anyone who advocates for a limit-free approach to technology is that they are doing so without knowing what the real-world consequences of that decision will be, over time.

This is nonsense.

The reason the AAP standards are changing is not because what’s best for kids is changing; it’s because parents don’t want to hear standards from doctors that they feel are impossible to live out.

Sadly, too many parents today:

  • WANT to be able to hand their kids a device anytime, without guilt
  • think devices are an ok way to get some peace and quiet.
  • don’t want to fight this particular battle, especially because it feels unwinnable
  • are staring at their own screens for 8-12 hours a day,
  • think that a kid staring at a screen for 2-4 hours seems “not so bad.”

Parenting is hard work. And it’s hard to say “no.”

But when kids look up, get out in the world, solve problems, run, jump, play… it does more than get their eyes off a screen; it gets their brain moving and their heart working and feeds their soul.

  • Connecting with PEOPLE– flesh and blood– matters.
  • Connecting with the world around us– trees, dirt, bloody knees, fall leaf collecting, snowman building, river rock skipping– matters.
  • Connecting with REAL BOOKS– page turning, perseverance-building, non-trite literary BOOKS– matters.

Just because some doctors are changing their opinions (likely because they find it hard to say “no” to their own kids) does not mean what’s BEST FOR KIDS has changed.

Here’s my challenge to us all– to you, as well as to me:

  • Put down the screens when it’s not purposeful, out of self-discipline and a heart of conviction about what matters.
  • Set an example of what it looks like to be a master OVER your device, rather than being mastered BY your device.
  • Don’t even put a smartphone in the hand of anyone who does not need to make a phone call (rare for anyone under 12 years old.) Teach your kids to look up and look out and engage with the people and world around them.

It’s a rare thing nowadays and doing these will stand out and make your child a walking WONDER by the time they get to college.

  • Someone able to HAVE A CONVERSATION without being distracted,
  • someone able to pick up a book, let it simmer in their brain as they draw out themes and ideas rather than moving on to the next thing,
  • someone able to look PEOPLE in the eye and have a real life interaction rather than only saying hard things in a private message or text, or not at all–

this sort of person is going to become increasingly rare.

This is the way to prepare your child for life and give him an edge over peers. Do what parents have been doing for centuries: talking to, and living REAL LIFE alongside their kids.

Here are some of the guidelines that we’ve maintained:

  • No screen time for children under 2 is absolutely reasonable, and we’ve lived it now for 13 years with our 7 children (at every point in the last 13 years, we’ve had someone– and sometimes multiple someones– 2 or under). This means no devices, and no videos. No screen time whatsoever.
  • No video games for children under 4 has been our general standard. For older kids, in our home they are allowed to play for one afternoon a week (from 2-5pm), IF they have gotten chores done and been respectful throughout the week. (AND if we don’t have something else going on that Saturday afternoon. If we do, no video games that week– there’s no “make up” time for missed gaming time. It’s not a “right,” it’s a privilege.)
  • None of our children (currently, ages 13 and under) has a phone. Nor will they, for some time.
  • Set clear limits on devices, and don’t be afraid to make your limits stricter than “average.”

I’m not saying our approach is the only right way. Every single parent on the planet right now is wading their way through uncharted waters. Never before has there been such potential for knowledge, learning, smut, and nonsense, to all be in view of our children, non-stop, held in the palm of their hands.

This device business really will eat your child’s soul if you let it; instead, rein it in and only use them on purpose.

NEED IDEAS for non-electronic toys? Click HERE!

IN THE COMMENTS, PLEASE SHARE: What are the standards for devices in your home? Do you find this to be a challenging “battle” with your kids? How are you currently doing in this area?

Wanna know what one thing has made the difference in becoming a better mother to my children?

I made this 4-minute video to tell the answer to that question, and why I write at jessconnell.com.

One of the lies moms have been fed in this past decade or so is that “you’re the expert” and that “you innately possess all the mothering wisdom you need.”

I’ll just tell you straight out: I think that’s hogwash.

Having other women open their hearts and lives to me, so that I could learn from them, has been one of the biggest blessings of my life, and has made me into a far better mom than I would have been on my own.

Because I’ve lived a here-there-and-everywhere life (moving 13 times in our first 14 years of marriage), I know what it’s like to try to piece together wisdom from various women in various places. I have not lived close to any one woman for more than 3-4 years at a go in my adult life, and so for me, having women who have been willing to share with me through books, videos, online course, blogs, and blogs and other public formats, has been tremendously beneficial. Living a highly-mobile life for those early years of motherhood convinced me of the value of public sharing of wisdom gained. 

Modern women live isolated lives, and we move a lot. Not only do we not have individual wisdom gained from experience (the way previous generations inherently had, by being a part of large families, and by having their mothers and teachers instill household-management skills in them before they hit full-on womanhood, but we also, oftentimes, lack access to collective wisdom.

Because modern women move often, and have more transient relationships with extended family, we lack the communal structure on which we would have previously depended in order to GET the wisdom we need for this marathon-like task of mothering.

I don’t believe we get better just by moaning and kvetching about how horrible and how hard motherhood is, or by giving every problem we encounter a diagnosis or label. I think we get better by looking at women who are doing aspects of it with EXCELLENCE, and by emulating their choices, we become more skillful, more excellent, and more discerning mothers. 

THAT’s why I write here.

I am trying to make the wisest, best choices I can in mothering, and yet I don’t believe that everything I choose will be 100% right for you. However, I believe there’s inherent value in me sharing about our choices, so that you can (possibly) make better choices, and so that you can be refined and sharpened in the hows and whys of what YOU’RE doing there in YOUR home and family. 

I value you, as a reader, and I want to share what will be most helpful for you. You can help me do that by leaving comments, “liking” and sharing articles on Facebook (so I know what resonates with and helps you), and continuing to read and interact. Thanks for joining me in this lifelong quest to honor God as we pursue being the best women, wives, and mothers that we can be.

Here are the top articles I’ve written to help you evaluate your mothering:

IN THE COMMENTS, PLEASE SHARE: How have you benefitted from other moms who are willing to open their homes and lives to you?

Fanny Price is one of my favorite characters in Jane Austen’s literature. She discerns the truth about people, and sees them for what they truly are at their core. Their dressing up, fakery, and flattering does not alter her observations about their character and priorities.

This quality makes her a tricky person to have around.

In Mansfield Park, Henri (a self-centered playboy) makes one very accurate observation about Fanny:

your eyes are so clear and unflinching, please look at me again.

He asks this because he’s been an absolute rogue, and is seeking (at least in the short-term) to reform himself. He wants approval from Fanny because he knows she sees things rightly.

It is her fierce honesty that makes her opinion more valuable to him.

Later in the movie, Edmund’s father asks Fanny to be the one to read out loud a particularly humiliating and hurtful piece of news in the newspaper:

Fanny… You read it to us.

You have such a strong, clear voice.

The father who has, until this point, hidden the truth about the ugly parts of he and his family’s choices, desires for the truth in the newspaper to be read by the one person who has seen it all along: Fanny Price. He knows his “secret sins” have long been seen by her, privately, and thus, she is (ironically) a safe person at the moment when he feels most vulnerable and exposed, to be the one to speak it out loud.

It’s incredibly challenging to see things rightly.

To speak things clearly.

To be strong and unflinching amidst a flood of debauchery.

As mothers, we must be people who see clearly. Our eyes must be open. We must not get lost in the minutiae and details of varying circumstances. We must not avoid accurately assessing the real dangers of the world, just because it’s hard and overwhelming.

We can not be women who flinch.

  • We need to see our God clearly– His strength, His dependability, His goodness.
  • We need to see ourselves clearly– our weakness, our need for God, our sinfulness.
  • We need to see the world clearly– its decline, its self-ward orientation, its wrong understanding of pleasure and happiness, its continual magnetic pull toward worship of the wrong things.
  • We need to see our husband rightly– that he also is weak, needs God, and has his own struggle against sin.
  • We need to see our children rightly– that there are not only external pulls toward sin and the world, but there are internal pulls toward sin and the desires of the flesh.
  • We need to see our home rightly– we each have tendencies– toward overscheduling, or laziness perhaps, and our own personal weaknesses and ways of our home that need to be seen with accuracy and discernment.

MAMA, DO YOU FLINCH?

It is easy to see fearful, concerning things in our children and our home, and want to flinch. When they hit us. When they talk back. When our husband is deeply discouraged. When someone’s angry. When we’re the one that’s scary angry. When our “stuff” is out of control.

But if we are to do our jobs well as wives and mothers, we need to keep these big-picture things in mind as we go through our daily, routine, doing, and re-doing tasks. We need to be mothers who see the world honestly.

Otherwise, the particulars of circumstances threaten to overwhelm and overturn the principles of Truth we have committed ourselves to follow.

  • It is tempting to brush-off a 7-year-old’s backtalk.
  • It can seem impossible that our precious young sons and lovely baby daughters will one day be tempted by sexual sin. We can fool ourselves, and think, “not my child!”
  • It can seem like overkill to stay vigilant against the influences that come into our home.
  • It can seem like overkill to stay vigilant against the predators outside of our home.
  • We can start to overlook real problems.
  • We can convince ourselves that things aren’t really as bad as they actually are.
  • We can delude ourselves and fail to rightly identify and call out sin.
  • We can get into bad habits as a household.

DON’T FLINCH. INSTEAD, LEAN IN AND TAKE A SOBER LOOK. 

When we see the people around us with honest sobriety, it is one way God has designed for us to offer them up-close love and feedback that He can use to guide and discipline them toward His ways.

The more clearly and unflinchingly we can identify sin, flesh, selfishness, and the world, and the more we have the messages of Scripture ready on our lips, the better we can counsel our husbands, counsel and guide our children, and confront the tendencies residing in all of our hearts and in the world around us, as we go through the difficult passages of life.

I admire Fanny Price’s clear, unflinching ability to identify and speak truth, and desire to be increasingly like that in my life– toward myself and others.

I’m convinced that this is a significant way I can bless our home-– to, without flinching, see this world rightly, roll up my sleeves, and do what’s on my plate to do, here in my corner of the world.

IN THE COMMENTS, PLEASE SHARE: How do you keep from flinching when faced with difficult things in your life? How do you muster up the courage to tackle the things that need to be faced in your home and in your children’s lives?

Ever experienced the outplay of a two-year-old’s punch to the face?

As a mom of 7, I’ve experienced some version of it, several times over. One little boy, many moons ago, slapped me in the middle of a Hobby Lobby trip. Several have yelled “no” at me.

And this happened almost a year ago:

It was a right hook, and he did it without a scream or anything. Just an angry, introverted little punch to the side of my glasses, right by my eye. He wanted me to give him one of the in-shell peanuts all the other kids were eating at lunch. But my answer was “no.”

It took me by surprise for sure! I’ve been slapped, or had kids try and hit me, but never a quiet, on-purpose PUNCH.

Didn’t hurt (which was nice)– but I promptly took him up to his room, talked to him about “never hitting mama,” disciplined him, and the message definitely got through. He cried, said sorry (at my prompting), hugged me, and changed his attitude before we came back down to the table.

AND. For context: I was shaky and hungry (hangry?) because I’d waited too long to start lunch, and my hands were literally shaking as I was slicing cheese, putting my sandwich together, etc. I was on my third day of a sore throat, have snot coming out in several places because of a cold (I guess?), tired because of cleaning non-stop for days, because my mom was about to fly into town. When it happened I was also 39 weeks, 6 days pregnant, having contractions– hormonal and tired.

My point?

Sometimes stuff like this happens to all of us at what seems like “couldn’t be a worse time.”

I’m sharing this little incident to encourage you.

Sometimes I’ve gotten comments that imply that because our older children are well-behaved, that we have “easy” kids, or that they’re somehow more naturally pleasant and kinder, sweeter, or not as stubborn and sinful as other people’s kids.

Please take this vignette as encouragement. Stuff like this happens to all of us– it really does!

No one gets non-sinners for children.

But, no matter the situation, when your “mommy radar” goes off, it’s worth it to get up, deal with it rightly, to discipline promptly, and to keep guiding them toward the way they should go. It’s worth it to keep them close. It’s worth it to be more stubborn than they are.

Mama, don’t lose heart! It’s worth it to give prompt, consistent, loving discipline.

And today?

Today my little almost-3-year-old wouldn’t DREAM of hitting me. We snuggle. We laugh. He listens to my voice, obeys promptly (most of the time), and is growing in self-control.

Keep on keeping on in the quest to correct, train, and lovingly, diligently discipline these wonderful & sinful little people God has entrusted to you.  It is worth it.

IN THE COMMENTS, PLEASE SHARE: Have you ever been punched by a 2-year-old? How do you stay motivated to raise WELL-DISCIPLINED little people? 

(I wrote this 11/29/12 as a way to chronicle the loving, affection happening in our home and spur other moms on toward loving affection in their homes. I never published it, recently found it, and am sharing it even though it’s now 3 years old.)

This morning, when Moses woke up, he came and crawled up in my lap and we have snuggled and tickled and said silly phrases and kissed and hugged off and on for the last 90 minutes. He has sat next to me, watching Lady & the Tramp with his big sister, occasionally crawling into my lap, for that entire time.

I’ve called him names like “my little darlin, precious one, sweet potato, little bug, my doodle”.

When Maranatha woke up and joined us, we had a 3-way hug and I reinforced verbally how much they love each other... “Oh, Mosey, Mei Mei (our nickname for her) loves you so much; she loves to snuggle with you. She is so sweet and takes good care of you too.”

Yesterday afternoon, Silas (4yo) just crawled up in my lap and we held hands and giggled and talked for probably 5-10 minutes. He clearly needed my affection… he just laid up in my lap and wanted my attention so I lavished it on him.

Last night, before bed, I snuggled for at least 60-90 seconds, sometimes tickling or being silly, sometimes reinforcing good things that happened throughout the day, with each child.

With my little ones, it looks more like

  • zuburts,
  • tickling,
  • kissing,
  • maybe a silly joke or affectionate name.

With my olders, I reflect back on specific things–

  • “you did so well in play practice. I can tell you’ve been working hard to memorize your lines.” or,
  • “thank you for helping me make dinner tonight. The potatoes you peeled tasted so good!”
  • while hugging, rubbing their backs, or giving zuburts.

Last night, after we’d said goodnight and he’d gone to do his bedtime routine, Ethan (my 10yo) came back to me for another hug and kiss before bedtime. He just wanted another connection point, so we did.

No matter what, bedtime always includes hugs, always kisses or tickles or whatever, mixed with kind loving words and smiles.

Yesterday evening, I went up behind Baxter (my8yo) and started rubbing his shoulders. He acted like it was tickly, but he didn’t move away, and he was smiling big and relaxing… I pulled away after 30 seconds or so and we chatted for a few minutes.

Just 10 minutes ago, I was snuggling with Moses (as I’ve been doing on and off for 90 minutes) and set him down beside me. He crawled back up in my lap and said, “tickle tickle more tickle”. He is the child that, more than any other, REQUESTS tickles. It makes me laugh.  

[NOTE ABOUT TICKLING: I always ALWAYS stop when my kids say stop… from the time they are itty bitty, I work hard to read their cues and never keep tickling past their comfort level. If I ever felt like tickling was something they didn’t enjoy, I would not tickle that child. period.]

At random points through each day, I’ll hold Maranatha’s (6yo) hand, or one of my big boys will curl up beside me and we’ll share a long side hug or they’ll tell me something going on with them.

Sometimes I’ll just walk up and rub the shoulders or scratch the back of my big boys.

With my younger two boys (4 & 2), they think it’s silly when I pretend to “eat” their nose or cheeks or fingers or whatever, so that probably happens 3-5 times or more each day… then they’ll pretend to eat mine. We just act silly and laugh and connect in small ways like that.

These are some of the specific & detailed ways that I as the mom show affection to our kiddos. (there’s probably more, but this is what comes to mind that has all happened in the last 24 hours)

PLEASE SHARE IN THE COMMENTS: What has motherly affection looked like for YOU in the past 24 hours? How do you show lovingkindness to your children?

{Today’s post is a follow-up from Monday’s– Christian Wife, Let Your Husband Be.— where a reader asked, “Beyond having a joyful attitude towards love making and keeping the home a happy sanctuary for him, what are more specifics things wives can do? I know every husband will have different things that are life-giving to him, but do you have any ideas of further supporting husbands?” Here is my answer.}

I love Proverbs 31’s description of what it means to be an excellent wife:

An excellent wife who can find?
    She is far more precious than jewels.
The heart of her husband trusts in her,
    and he will have no lack of gain.
She does him good, and not harm,
    all the days of her life.

~Proverbs 31:10-12

Some people mock Proverbs 31, and call it unrealistic or unattainable for women. Some people have even devoted entire books and blogs to tearing down “biblical womanhood” passages like this. But one of the reasons I think it’s so wonderful is precisely because it IS realistic, particularly in the areas of relational descriptions.

WE’RE NOT ALL THE SAME

Notice: it’s not telling us that we all have to be the same. I can’t think of any biblical passages that command us all to be the same sort of woman.

Rather, we’re each to be adapted, or fitted, to our own husbands. (We’re also told to submit to our own husbands, not all women to all men.) It says “the heart of her husband” trusts in her. Not “she’s the perfect wife according to the books.” But her own husband trusts her. Her own husband gets “gain” because of her. The passage doesn’t say godly women will all be:

  • amazing pastry chefs,
  • organizationally adept in every way,
  • seamstresses, and more.

We learn some details like that about the Proverbs 31 woman, but it’s the outplay of the tasks, rather than the tasks themselves, that is the focus of the passage. Through her goings and doings, she is an asset to her family. She nurtures, encourages, and blesses them. Not because she is some generic woman doing “womanly tasks”– no! It’s the way she uses her skills and activities to purposefully  bless her husband and family, that make her trusted by her own husband.

It’s with that in mind that I want to talk about what it means to “do him good, not harm.”

I could give you a list. And I will, at the end of this article… but the main thing I want to tell you is this:

  • LEAN IN to your own husband
  • LISTEN to the things he says
  • PAY ATTENTION to the things that frustrate him
  • BE EAGER to do what you can to serve and care for him

What a blessing it is to be a wife– to have another person who has committed himself to your care and keeping! Maybe he does a so-so job at it. Maybe you see myriad ways he could do a better job of it. That’s OK; you can just let him be.

The Lord evaluates all things and we can trust Him to do the judging.

Over the last three or four decades, people have given one-size-fits-all marriage advice like:

  • men like a hot meal ready and waiting
  • sex should happen X number of times a week
  • wear make-up for your husband
  • ask him to do the heavy lifting around the house so he’ll feel like a man
  • manage your household well and don’t ask him for anything so he won’t feel nagged
  • every couple should have a weekly date night

But I don’t think one-size-fits-all advice like that is really what we need.

What we need MOST is to learn to be happy wives who are students of our own husbands. 

When we learn to watch them and care for their needs and encourage them, in ways that matter to them, THAT’S when our husband will feel loved, built up, cared for, and (likely) respected.

One husband might feel nagged when his wife asks for help; another might feel respected and strong, that she looks to him for help. Ladies, we each need to know our own husbands.

A husband who cares about words may not care two hoots about his wife having a meal ready the minute he walks in the door, especially if his wife regularly criticizes him. But he might beam for the rest of the afternoon if he received an encouraging text that says,

“I sure respect how hard you work for our family, day in, day out. Thank you for the way you love us by being faithful in your work each day.”

That’s why a list of practical tips may or may not be helpful to *you* in your particular marriage.

So with that in mind, please read this list of 15 ideas as a starting place to jump off from. This is not a comprehensive list, nor is everything on it suited to every husband, or every marriage. Maybe only some husbands would enjoy receiving all of these things, but I think all husbands would like to receive some of these things.

Read this list and consider which ones your own husband would count as “doing good and not harm.”

15 PRACTICAL WAYS TO “DO GOOD” TO YOUR HUSBAND

  1. Warmly greet him at the door with a smile, firm hug, and a (minimum) 5-second kiss.
  2. Ask how his day went. Then listen to him, without being distracted by anything (not devices, not dinner prep, not even the kids!).
  3. Fix what he likes best for dinner at least once a week.
  4. Look to his “ways” in your house and assess what would make his life easier. Does he lose his keys constantly and need a hook to hang them on when he walks in the door? Are his neckties strewn through the bedroom because he lacks a simple way to keep them organized? Does he need a special spot to stash his lunch snacks so the kids won’t pilfer? Pay attention to his physical daily needs and see if there’s an area that’s currently frustrating to him that could have a simple solution.
  5. Text him something encouraging and sincere. Make sure it is only positive and not a backhanded compliment (i.e., just “thank you for fixing the cabinet door for me. I sure appreciate you!”– NOT “thank you for finally fixing the cabinet door for me.”)
  6. Before he leaves for work, squeeze his hand or his bottom and whisper in his ear that you’re gonna be eager and ready to make love after the kids are in bed tonight.
  7. For the next week, focus on any ways your husband might feel disrespected by your children (i.e., being talked over at the table, being answered by “yeah” rather than “yes sir,” having them stare at a device rather than listening to him, stomping and grumping when he asks them to do something, etc.), and work through the daytimes together to fight against that sinful habit in their hearts.
  8. Write out a list of 3 things you know your husband wants you to do. Then get to work and do them, willingly and diligently.
  9. Smile at him, genuinely, with your whole face lit up, at least 3-5 times tonight before you go to bed.
  10. Consider if there’s a pressing project at work or around the house that he feels anxious to finish. Find a way to help him that he will genuinely be grateful for… and if you aren’t sure, ASK! (This could be bringing a meal to his workplace, tidying up his desk because he hasn’t had time lately, helping to send off a round of bills because he’s swamped, organizing the shed during the day so he can finish the project at night, etc. All sorts of options, but do what he will genuinely find helpful.)
  11. For a minimum of 2 weeks, give up the thing that distracts you from what you *should* be doing. Facebook? Pinterest? A busy workout routine that leaves you zonked? Texting with friends? Instead, devote that same time to the things you know are priorities for him, or the things that are irritating him around the house, or the kids’ attitudes that need correcting. For 2 weeks, discipline yourself to put his priorities first, and don’t add back in your optional activities until you’ve made discernible progress.
  12. Think about any times he’s complimented your physical appearance, and choose to wear that outfit, or do your hair that way, at least 3 times in this coming week.
  13. Consider if he needs an upgrade or replacements in his wardrobe. Offer to go with him to get the dress shoes, hiking boots, sweaters, or slacks he needs. Compliment and encourage him when he wears his new duds.
  14. Brainstorm something you guys enjoy doing together, and then put the kids to bed early enough to make it happen. (Suggestions: play Spades for two, turn off devices and read books side-by-side with the fire blazing, watch Antiques Roadshow reruns on pbs.org, trade-off full body massages).
  15. Ask for his input about an upcoming decision you need to make. (Reminder: to some husbands, this will be a sign of respect, that you want his input. To other husbands, this will be annoying and feel like nagging and like you are incompetent. KNOW YOUR HUSBAND.) 

As I said, these aren’t comprehensive, but it’s a start.

Christian wife, study YOUR husband and find ways to:

  • show him respect.
  • build him up.
  • give him your affection.
  • show that his priorities matter to you.
  • help him with his work.
  • be a friendly, welcoming woman
  • “do good,” and not harm, to him all the days of his life.

IN THE COMMENTS, PLEASE SHARE: What are some *practical* ways YOU “do good and not harm” to your husband?