Jess Connell, Author at Jess Connell – Page 29 of 33

There is a level of heartache that goes beyond the normal highs and lows of life.

It cannot be quantified. Words don’t do it justice. It keeps you up at night, doggedly chasing you, taxing your mental reserves all day long. Even if you’re not an emotional person, tears threaten to fly down your face without a moment’s notice. It weighs heavy on your mind, soul, and body. The embers do not quickly cool.

This kind of pain is often hidden away, raw and unseen in our comfort-driven America.

When in the thick of it, there is not enough time in the day or energy in your heart to reach out explain yourself to people. The people who get it, will get it. And the people who don’t? They may never get it, and it may not be their fault.

Perhaps some willfully believe the worst, but many people just don’t know what to do with deep, soul-level heartache. Most people, (even unfortunately in the church), are pretty awful at dealing with deep pain. We don’t know what to say or do. Sometimes we fear we’ll make it worse, or we don’t want to bother the person. Sometimes life gets messy and we forget until it feels like it’s too late.

We (generic “we”) don’t really know what to do with it.

Platitudes are spoken (“you’ll get through this”; “this too shall pass”). Unhelpful, unbiblical things are sometimes spoken (“God must think you’re strong; He never gives you more than you can handle.”– these are totally not in the Bible!!).

Or sometimes (which can be even more painful than platitudes), nothing at all is spoken, and the wounded are left to fight through their darkest days, alone. They may even have to be the ones to comfort the shocked people around them who don’t know what to do with such great sorrow.

SO WHAT DO WE DO WHEN *WE* ARE THE ONE WITH THE ACHING HEART?

#1: SCRIPTURE TELLS US TO BE THANKFUL FOR THE HARD DAYS IN OUR LIVES

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete lacking in nothing.” ~James 1:2-4
“Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when His glory is revealed.” ~1 Peter 4:12-13
“In this you rejoice… you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith–more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire– may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” ~1 Peter 1:6-7
We rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” ~Romans 5:2-5

And so we should fight for this, through our pain: to rejoice, to be glad, to count it as JOY. God tells us how we can do this: because we know that it’s producing endurance and perseverance and steadfastness in our lives, because it is refining and perfecting our faith in God, and because it gives us the ability to share in what Christ suffered.

#2: CONTROL YOUR WORDS

When the wounds are still stinging, It is so tempting to want to spew everything we are feeling to anyone who is nearby (especially for us extroverts!)… especially if there are gossips coming to get “tasty morsels.”

Sadly, gossips circle like vultures where there is the smell of pain and hurt.

As women of God, especially in times of difficulty, we have to remember the things God says about our words. This is where the rubber meets the road! This is when it counts!

“Keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking deceit.” Psalm 34:13
Moses told the people of Israel, as they prepared to cross the Red Sea (remember– they were in an impossibly frightening situation, between a treacherous army & the sea!): “Fear not, stand firm… The LORD will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.” ~Exodus 14:13-14
“Be angry, and do not sin; ponder in your own hearts on your beds, and be silent. Offer right sacrifices, and put your trust in the Lord.” ~Psalm 4:4-5 (There is a right way to be angry… silently pondering things, trusting the Lord… and a wrong way to be angry.)
Remember Jesus: “He was oppressed, and He was afflicted, yet He opened not His mouth.” ~Isaiah 53:7
“Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in His steps. He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in His mouth. When He was reviled, He did not revile in return; when He suffered, He did not threaten, but continued entrusting Himself to Him who judges justly.” (Click to read all of this wonderful passage: 1 Peter 2:19-23)

Our words matter. Even in the hardest times. Yes, I think there is a place for our friends to come around us and provide a buffer and discerningly leave some words for the wind and give us gentle redirection or reproof if we need it.

At the same time, the Spirit of God can give the self-control you need, even in the most difficult moments. Be careful, when you are hurting, not to slander another human being made in God’s image, no matter how hurtful or uncaring you feel that they’ve been. Offer your attitude, and your words, up to God in faith. Jesus sees the circumstances surrounding our offerings. The offering may look paltry, but when given from a place of hardship, He sees it as “much.” Offer your words to God as the widow did with her mite.

#3: WE ARE TOLD TO SEEK PEACE AND FORGIVE:

“Seek peace and pursue it.” ~Psalm 34:14
“If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” ~Romans 12:18
“Walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.” (Ephesians 4:1-3) [***NOTE: though it is tempting to “let ourselves go” when we are hurting, the way we act when we are tempted *NOT* to be “eager” for unity is when this verse really comes into play. It is easy to be “unified” when there is no hurt, disappointment, or disagreement. The moment of your pain is where this verse can be intentionally carried out in a way that counts.***]
“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” ~Ephesians 4:31-32

The Lord’s example in prayer tells us to pray for forgiveness according to the manner that we forgive others… so in our deepest pain, we must push away the tendency to wall ourselves in, to grow more bitter, or to be stoic and unforgiving. There’s absolutely a place for boundaries and for discernment, but we must forgive– stop sitting in the place of judgment and extend a gracious pardon to– those who have hurt or offended us (in the same way we NEED forgiveness when we are the offending party).

#4: TAKE NOTE OF WHAT IS HAPPENING, AND WHO IS ALONGSIDE YOU

The things we do in the dark times… in the hard places… while we are in deep pain… they reveal who we truly are.

Times of sorrow highlight who our friends are. I recently found that, through trials, I was more focused on the people who *weren’t* there than the people who *were,* and it robbed me of joy. Notice the people who are there; be grateful for them. It may not be who you expected, but it’s who God has put there in that moment.

# 5: REMEMBER THAT IN CHRIST, YOU ARE NEVER ALONE

The hardest times teach us who God really is. The people around us may or may not ever see the truth about everything, but our Lord always sees. He sees all things rightly, fully in the light, without shadows. He judges every situation justly.

And when we are an absolute mess, He looks on us with gracious eyes of love.

The heartache comes… but as believers, we do not go through it alone. We have a High Priest at the ready who sees every tear and hears every cry— even the groans we can not speak because our hearts are so weary and our bodies, so tired. He stands, sits, pleads our case even when we are wrong , groans, and cries out to the Father with us, and does so with loving affection and with a heart for grace and mercy, truth and justice.

The beauty of times of sorrow is that they cause us to depend on Jesus all the more deeply. He is the ONLY firm foundation, the only Friend who will not disappoint, the only One who sees every single detail rightly.

You have been my help… My soul clings to You; Your right hand upholds me. ~Psalm 63

When Mary Magdalene was at Jesus’ grave, weeping, deep in sorrow, He appeared to her. With joy, she clung to Him. In the darkest days, when your heart aches, the most natural thing you can do is run to, reach out for, and cling to Jesus.

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Can you imagine if your whole physical body was a clamorous, jibber-jabbering mouth? Or if it was a big lumpy wad of knuckles? What if your whole body was made of tendons, with no bones, muscles, or tissues?

It is such a gift to have all our myriad body parts, so that we can rightly function as humans.

And what a gift it is to have the whole Body of Christ!

Talkative, out-reaching people, and introverted, analytical sorts who listen and help sort out issues… hugging, emotive kinds, and those who are more cautious and discerning. Deep-thinking ones, and those who are light-hearted and cheerful. (Not that any of those are mutually exclusive.) Each of us needs one another. We need the whole Body!

In 1 Corinthians 12, God put it like this:

The body does not consist of one member but of many. If the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” that would not make it any less a part of the body. And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” that would not make it any less a part of the body. If the whole body were an eye, where would be the sense of hearing? If the whole body were an ear, where would be the sense of smell? But as it is, God arranged the members in the body, each one of them, as he chose. If all were a single member, where would the body be? As it is, there are many parts, yet one body.

The eye cannot say to the hand, “I have no need of you,” nor again the head to the feet, “I have no need of you.” On the contrary, the parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and on those parts of the body that we think less honorable we bestow the greater honor, and our unpresentable parts are treated with greater modesty, which our more presentable parts do not require. But God has so composed the body, giving greater honor to the part that lacked it, that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another. If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together.

Now you are the body of Christ and individually members of it.

There are so many lessons there, but here are a few that I see (especially pay attention to #5!):

We need one another!
We need to quit wishing everyone was like us!
We need to quit wishing we were different!
God has made us how we are & given us the gifts and abilities that we have.
His goal in making us different– (vv 24-25)– is “that there may be no division in the body, but that we might have the same care for one another.”

Did you catch that?

HE MADE US DIFFERENT SO THAT WE WON’T BE DIVIDED.

Interesting, isn’t it? We are tempted to cloister ourselves off with people who are just like us, because we have the sense that we’ll be divided if we are around people who are different from us, but God intentionally puts us in the Body with people who’re different from us, SO THAT there won’t be division, and so that we will care for one another.

Who in your local Body of Christ are you tempted to remove yourself from because they have different gifts, or a different perspective (just like an eye has a different vantage point from a toe)?
Do you (wrongly) believe that you are going to have division with people simply because God made you different?
How is God teaching you, right now, to care for people who are quite different from you?

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There have been so many different seasons of my life when I’ve had to *FIGHT* for contentment.

7-months-pregnant in a grimy, coal-heated, 80’s-era-floral-couched, bugged (not the insect kind) apartment in China
Months later, when my husband got gravely sick, and we went YEARS with tons of investigation but no medical answers or reasons what had happened
Living across the world from my extended family, in a (different) cement-and pollution-covered city that I (initially) did not like, surrounded by people I could not speak to, with 4 kids 6 and under in a small apartment without A/C
When (back in the US, just a few months ago) my husband lost his job which was connected to our church and community, and we suddenly felt alone and heartbroken

Here are some verses that have been heart-strengthening in those moments when I had to FIGHT to have joy in the midst of great discouragement:

“Lord, You have assigned me my portion and my cup; You have made my lot secure.” ~Psalm 16:5
“God is the Blessed Controller of all things, the King over all kings, and the Master of all masters.” ~1 Timothy 6:15
“A joyful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones.” ~Proverbs 17:23
“For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” ~2 Corinthians 12:10
“I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content.” ~Philippians 4:11
“There is great gain in godliness with contentment.” ~1 Timothy 6:6
“If we have food and clothing, with these we will be content.” ~1 Timothy 6:8
“Keep your life free from the love of money, and be content with what you have, for He has said, ‘I will never leave you nor forsake you.’” ~Hebrews 13:5

These are the comfort-imparting things I see in those verses:

God sees my state and it has not surprised Him. HE is where my security rests, not in stuff, not in ME.
God is sovereign. Over everything and everyone. Always.
Opt for joy. Sorrow and discontentment will dry me up and burn me out.
Because of Christ, I can be content in the midst of crummy things. My weakness will ultimately lead me to find refuge in the only One Who is strong. When I finally come to the end of myself, THAT is when strength from God will supply the places that I so obviously LACK.
Contentment is something I must *learn*. That learning can happen in ANY situation.
It is GAIN to me if I seek godliness alongside contentment.
Food and clothing are my needs. (Other things are wants.) I need to choose to be content with the way God has already met my needs.
“What I have” is enough; I need to choose to be content with it. I’ve got to keep my eyes off of money and get them onto the ONE Who will never leave me or forsake me. In the way my heart grasps for something eternal on which I can depend, money will never satisfy: only God is dependable.

How is God growing you in contentment right now?

What verse(s) would you add to this list?
What lessons has He taught (or is He teaching) you about contentment in the midst of hard things?

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In King David’s day, it went like this:

“Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God.” ~Psalm 20:7

What are our modern American “chariots?” What do we trust in? I have some ideas. Scan them and see if any of them strike a nerve for you, and then add your own in the comments.

FINANCIALLY:

Some trust in bank balances and some in 401(k)s…
Some trust in two incomes and some in having the right degree…
Some trust in their husband and some in themselves…
Some trust in a the housing market, and some in the economy…

FOR PARENTING OUR CHILDREN:

Some trust in public school, some in Christian private school, and some in homeschooling…
Some trust in Babywise, and some in Attachment parenting…
Some trust in spanking, and some in time-outs…
Some trust in unschooling and some in hyperscheduled kids…
Some trust in academics and some in extracurriculars…
Some trust in vaccines and some in a lack of vaccines…

FOR HOMESCHOOL MOMS:

Some trust in Sonlight and some in Abeka…
Some trust in co-ops and some in isolation…
Some trust in sheltering and some in wide exposure…
Some trust in smart children and some in obedient children…

FOR WIVES:

Some trust in a strong husband and some in a strong paycheck…
Some trust in personal appearance and some in sexual intimacy…
Some trust in manipulation and some trust in their children…

FOR OUR HAPPINESS:

Some trust in OCD cleaning and some in Better Homes & Gardens rooms…
Some trust in frugality and some in “retail therapy”…
Some trust in gifts and some in “me-time”…

Want to write some more that you see around you? Please share in the comments.

Let me challenge you- don’t just attack the things that are “over there” in HER home. Look at your own heart too.

What are you tempted to place your trust in?

Can you think of something specific (other than God) that you’ve recently been tempted to trust in?

Instead, counsel your heart: “but we trust in the name of the LORD, our God.“

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Have you heard the message? Every Valentine’s Day, our culture screams that romance is:

teddy bears
chocolates
a pink-and-red-and-white card
flowers
a date night written on a particular calendar square

Not that there’s anything wrong with any of these, but it does make me wonder.

How many women and men are being held hostage to a standard of “romance” that doesn’t even, really, matter?
How many husbands are guilted into buying things their wife may not even want?
How many wives feel unloved if their husband doesn’t do “x”, despite the fact that he’s a good man who shows love in other ways, 364 other days of the year?

For my part, I would think my husband had lost his mind if he brought me a stuffed animal. Or I would think that *he* thought I’d lost mine. I don’t like chocolate. Honestly, I would never just sit and eat a piece of chocolate. Never. (I hear you gasping, but it’s true. I’ll eat a Reese’s PB cup but it’s really for the PB.) I don’t need a card, flowers, or a date night (although I’m thankful if/when I receive those).

But do you know what’s romantic to me? My husband doing things like:

a year or two ago, programming into my phone to ding @ 9:45 each morning and remind me, “You’re my girl.”
rubbing my feet with body butter occasionally while we watch a movie.
telling me, “Go!” when I have a rare opportunity to get a few hours of solitude for journaling and writing.
even when he works the early morning shift (leaving by 4:45 am), he doesn’t leave the house without kissing me

And here’s the other thing I want to share with you:

If my husband didn’t do those things, those things wouldn’t be what’s “romantic” to me. Because “romantic” (to me) means, the things HE does. So if he didn’t do those, but did other things instead, THAT would define romance for me. I don’t want to treasure the actions of others.

I don’t want to prize what other women’s (real or imaginary) husbands do for them.

One friend’s husband buys tickets to send her on a trip to visit a special place or friend.
Another’s takes her shopping and buys something she’ll love
Another does nothing fancy on “big” days, but gives smiles and kindness throughout the year
Another’s husband does anything his wife gives him to do on his “honey-do” list
Someone else gets taken for a fancy dinner
Another’s buys her a new car, or the van she’s been eyeing all year
Maybe someone’s husband intuitively knows just the right thing to get & gets it for her (rare, but some actually do).

But those are what *their* husband has done for them.

Romance isn’t “what other women’s husbands do for them.”

Romance isn’t “what I wish my husband would do.” (Although sometimes, especially in the early years, or if we’ve never communicated those things, it’s OK to talk about those things and let him know what would mean a lot to you.)

Romance isn’t what the TV, magazine, Pinterest, Target aisle, jewelry commercial, or advertisement says he should do for me.

Romance is not universal among women.

And romance is something quite different from forced purchases or activities on a particular day. Now, I don’t want to sound like a grumpy grumperton. I like what Paul David Tripp said about Valentine’s Day: “Husbands and wives, I’m all for romantic acts and sexual intimacy on Valentine’s Day, but these things are the fruit of a healthy marriage, not the foundation.”

Romance is what my husband does for me, or what your husband does for you, however big or however small, that lets you know he really does love you. It’s the overflow of the real relationship, not the foundation or the measure of it.

Romance is unique, not universal.

Have you been evaluating your husband by some outside standard, or comparing him to other people’s husbands? Wives, let’s check our hearts and make sure that we’re defining romance by the right standards– the standard of the one husband that God has given us.

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Here are 6 of my favorite Bible passages about marriage… each passage challenges me, instructs my heart, and keeps me grounded in the beauty of how and why God made marriage. At the end of each verse, I’ve written a question for wives to consider.

It helps to understand the significance of each if you read the verses out loud.

THE ORIGINAL INTENT OF MARRIAGE– companionship, complementary help, commitment, oneness: “The LORD God said, ‘It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.’… Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.” ~Genesis 2Am I living out God’s intent in my marriage? Am I a companion and helper to my husband? Am I a one-flesh partner he can cling to? Am I unashamed in my intimacy with him?
WHAT IS LOVE?– a convicting passage that gives an action-oriented definition: “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.” ~1 Corinthians 13:4-8Am I loving him with this kind of love? Would these adjectives describe my general attitude toward and interactions with my husband? If this is the definition of love, am I truly loving my husband?
ROLES WITHIN MARRIAGE– submission and service, helper and head, love and respect: “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, His body, and is Himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her, that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that He might present the church to Himself in splendor… in the same way husbands should love their wives as their own body. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” ~Ephesians 5: 22-33Do I have a submitted heart? Is the GOSPEL of Jesus’ lavish love for the church and His bride’s loving response to Him the focus and motivation of my heart in this area of submission? As I don’t only want to be loved when I am perfectly lovable, am I excusing disrespectful attitudes as if respect is only to be given to my husband when it’s “deserved”?
WHAT ABOUT THE SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP?– once married, we no longer have sole authority over our bodies: “The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” ~1 Corinthians 7:1-40

Am I holding myself back from my husband, retaining authority and “rights,” depriving him from what is rightfully his (even “only” sometimes)? Does my heart attitude, my physical action, or my response to him indicate that I am sexually unreceptive to him?
NATURE OF THE COMMITMENT– a lifetime covenant of God joining two into one: “They are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” ~Matthew 19:8-9

Do I entertain thoughts of or toy with actions of separation? Am I (intentionally or unintentionally) separating what God has joined together?
GROWTH AND COMPANIONSHIP– God refines and strengthens us in marriage: “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him– a threefold cord is not quickly broken.” ~Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

Am I convinced of this? Do I treat my husband as the gift that he is to me? Do I value him as a co-laborer, someone who will help me when I fall, stand by me when I am attacked, and keep me warm when I would be cold and lonely? Do I see him for the person he is, and value the role he has in my life? Do I intentionally encourage the three-stranded nature of our covenant before and with God– am I doing my part to help us grow spiritually stronger as a couple?

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Pastor Matt Chandler says, “I would contend, no one has lied to you more than you have.”

One of the biggest lies I think we tell ourselves, is, “I don’t have time for that.”

We haul this whopper out whenever we hit something that we know would be beneficial but we aren’t actually doing it. It could be any number of things:

Family time
Exercise
The ability to meet a particular goal
Reading out loud, regularly, to the kids
Time to call a friend
Time to actually get together with that friend (and not just keep saying, “oh, let’s get together.”)
Bible reading
Soul-baring prayer
Time to actually sit and talk and look your spouse in the eye (and really kiss and…)
Reading books for growth

But here’s the truth: All human beings have the same 24 hours to spend each day. A year is the same length of time for a go-getter as it is for a couch potato. It was the same length of time for prayerful, godly Puritans, as it is for us. President Obama doesn’t get more time than the rest of us, and the most lazy and unproductive person on earth doesn’t have any less than the rest of us. Until we die,we all operate with the same amount of time available to us.

And here’s another truth: We make time for what’s important to us.

Each day we make choices:

to text rather than call,
to pin a few pins rather than handwash the remaining dishes,
to sweep up the cracker mess under the high chair rather than kick up our feet,
to exercise rather than watch another episode
to take a nap in the dark rather than read a book in the sunshine
to churn with worries rather than turn in prayer to God

(And I want to point out that only the last one of those sets of options has a clear right and wrong.)

Each choice we make is ours to make.

But then we need to own it.

Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil.Ephesians 5:15-16

We need to quit lying to ourselves, as if our days and weeks are stolen out from under us without our knowledge and participation.

Want an example? “Ugh! I just haven’t had time to exercise lately.” Baloney. And I’m saying “baloney” to me on that one… here’s the honest truth: I could make time to exercise, but I don’t.

I don’t because I’m tired.
I don’t because my bottom is in the recent habit of sitting more often than staying active.
I don’t because I would rather watch Antiques Roadshow, or sew, or putter on the internet and write a blogpost.
I don’t because I had a baby a year ago and haven’t made it a priority to jumpstart my activity level since having him.
But the truth is *NOT* “I haven’t had time to exercise.” I have HAD the time; I have not TAKEN the time to exercise.

We also need to quit lying to each other. “I keep meaning to call you!” is a common one. But the truth is that as a society, we don’t go anywhere without our phones. What are we doing acting as if we’ve been buried in a mine collapse without access to a phone for weeks (or months)? If we want to call someone, and it’s not a good time, we can set that handy-dandy alarm feature on our fancy do-it-all phone to buzz us periodically throughout the week until it eventually buzzes at a time when we are free to do so. There are lots of options, but the truth isn’t, “I haven’t had time to call.” Almost always, the truth is, “I haven’t *made* time to call.”

My proposal?

Let’s be honest as we go through this next day, and week. It’s sometimes OK to kick your feet up rather than to exercise or wash more dishes. It’s sometimes OK to not call. But let’s all be honest about it. Let’s be honest with ourselves and honest with others, and start taking responsibility for the moments we are given.

So what is it you’re lying to yourself about?
What is it you know you aren’t currently doing, but need to make time for?
Will you make time for it, today?

Image courtesy of stockimages/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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Last week, I shared how yelling is connected to my stress level, and many of you identified & shared your own struggles. Today I want to dig deeper.

A common theme, for me and from you in the comments, was that we tell ourselves lies about the yelling that we do. We lie to minimize the significance of what we’re doing and to diminish the amount of guilt we feel.

I think we also lie because of the aim of our hearts. If we were honest about the aim of our hearts in the moment that we yell, we could not continue being so self-righteous and indignant. We could not keep being mad *at THEM*– we would have to be mad *at us.*

Peering below the surface, when we yell, what is really happening inside our hearts? What is it that we are grasping for? What do we want?

(And here’s the thing. I’m going to be honest because I really want to grow here. I am desperate for the grace of God- for His gracious forgiveness, but also for the grace to walk in victory in this area. I don’t have time or inclination to pretty things up for you. I don’t want to live on a pedestal, so I’m going to share the honest truth about my sinful heart. This won’t be some “accountability group” where all we do is navel-gaze and talk about our sin (again and again and again) and never about the grace God gives us to change. I don’t want to roll in the mud or delight in evil, but I will be truthful here, and (hopefully along the way) help others who want to grow in this area, too.)

So. When I yell, this is what I see in my heart:

I want CONTROL. Control of the situation. Control of “their” actions (whoever the “they” is). Control of the way the house looks. Control of the person doing or saying things that hurt or frustrate me. Control of the things that haven’t been done to my liking. Control of the situation that is out of my hands. Control of the chaotic house. Control of the noise. Control.
I want TO LOOK GOOD. I want the house to look good. I want my image protected. I want my parenting to look good. I want my kitchen counter to look good (this is never the case; real life friends will verify). I want other people to get the things done that I think need to be done, regardless of what else they might want or need to do. Because, ultimately, I want things to look good, according to my definition of good.
I want EASE. I want the dishes already done so I don’t have to do them. I want the mess cleaned up by someone else. I want them to stop fighting so I can get back to the person or thing that has my attention. Ultimately, I want it to be easy, and to not have to put in the hard work that would be necessary if I was to actually deal with the situation the way I know it should be dealt with.
I want TO BE RIGHT. I want everyone around me to know just how wrong “x” is, and how right I am in my assessment of it. I want the other party to admit error or defeat. Whether it is a dirty dining room floor (“…that should already be clean; am I the only one who notices these things?”, etc.), an argument between siblings, an argument with my husband, or stewing over a “wrong” opinion, in my heart I see that I want to be proven incontrovertibly RIGHT.
I want it NOW. I want these things to be done immediately. In fact, if I’m honest, I don’t just want it now; “it should already have been done.” The mess shouldn’t have happened. At the very least, it should already be cleaned up so *I* don’t have to do it. I want the child who is grumping and fighting with a sibling to stop, now. I want the kitchen to already be cleaned. I want the stressful thing that interrupted me to stop. it. right. now!

Perhaps some of the things I listed resonated with you?

Perhaps you see other motivations in the depths of your own heart?

The “I wants” of our hearts reveal our idols- the things we bow down to and are willing to give up everything for. Ultimately, what is coming out of my mouth is revealing what is going on inside my heart.

“What comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this defiles a person.” ~Matthew 15:18

With yelling, it is not my volume that is the problem. It is my HEART. When I yell, the words and volume simply give external indication of the wickedness inside me. (TWEET THAT.) Inside, I am self-focused and control-grabbing and error-finding and lazy and tired and critical and furious and finger-pointing and exhausted.

SO WHAT NOW?

You might be sitting there thinking, “OK. But how does this effect me in my everyday life, when the kids are arguing, when the three-year-old just volcanoed the milk jug all over the kitchen, when the dog pooped on the carpet for the third time this WEEK, when I’m hurting and wounded inside and then that “one more thing” happens that drives me over the cliff?”

Sister, listen to me:

It is not your willpower that will ultimately save the day. But in HIM we have strength, and self-control. By His grace and by His Spirit at work in us, we can be freed from the enslaving grip of sin. Even the Apostle Paul– a man who had been blinded and visibly confronted by the risen Christ– struggled with this conundrum:

I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate… so now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. …Wretched man that I am! Who will save me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! ~Romans 7:15-25

The good news is that I am not alone in my sin. It is a problem common to man. And through Christ, God has grace upon grace to lavish upon me. Grace to forgive, and grace to enable me to stop.

So let me share some encouraging things:

“You, You only, know the hearts of the children of mankind.” ~2 Chronicles 6:30
“The eyes of the LORD run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to give strong support to those whose heart is blameless toward Him.” ~2 Chronicles 16:9
“I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.” ~Ezekiel 36:26
“The LORD is slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love, forgiving iniquity and transgression.” ~Numbers 14:18

He KNOWS us. He is watching, waiting to give STRONG SUPPORT to us when we desire blamelessness before Him. He wants to remove the wicked, stubborn heart and give us a soft, malleable, tender heart. Unlike us and our yelling selves, He is slow to anger. Though we are sinful, He LOVES abundantly and forgives!

We have hope in Him! His grace gives me such GREAT hope. It’s the only way I can get out of this quagmire. I can’t do it in my own strength. I can’t muster up enough holiness, even if I worked my whole life on it. I could grit my teeth, but there would be no joy. I would live under the constant strain of wondering if I was doing enough, being enough, performing enough.

Instead, I can cast myself on God and operate in His economy of grace.

Talking about maturity in Christ, Paul writes:

For this I toil, struggling with all his energy that he powerfully works within me. ~Colossians 1:29

Check out the pronouns in this verse:

*I* toil
with HIS energy
that HE powerfully works
within ME

This is God’s economy. I throw myself on grace… no longer relying on ME and MY willpower. Then– check it out– “I toil.”

What? After grace comes work?

Yes. But I struggle with all HIS energy. He’s the one supplying it- not me. And, at the same time that I’m toiling, HE is powerfully working His energy, IN ME.

Casting myself on Him doesn’t mean I give up and wait for Him to do it all.

His eyes range to and fro over the whole earth. I’m toiling. His Spirit is at work within me. I’m yielding to the Spirit. His supernatural energy supplies what my human willpower cannot do. In this economy of grace, He works His holiness in me, day by day, hour by hour, as I submit myself to Him and trust in HIM to change my heart.

I don’t want to just have a mountaintop camp-like experience. Like Isaiah, I want live in the awareness of God’s holiness and purity and my own need for Him. I want His energy flowing through me, changing me from the inside out.

What do you see in your heart, as motivations for why you yell?
What is God doing in your heart, in this area of yelling?
Will you join me this week, trusting Christ to sanctify and change this part of our hearts, from the inside out? Toiling, with His energy at work in us?

Let’s do it!

Image courtesy of smokedsalmon/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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NON-FICTION RISK: SAY IT
Say the things– write the things– that you are afraid to say. I recently shared about my fear of, “Who would ever want to buy my book?” And earlier this week, I confessed not just a past sin that I’ve conquered (which would feel safer) but a current area where God is at work in my heart.

At the root of writing is a willingness to dropkick the fear and decide to SAY THE THING THAT FEELS RISKY.

I don’t mean that you go around, willy-nilly, saying anything and everything that pops into your head. But I mean, there are things that you KNOW are the right thing… that you KNOW you need to say, but fear and self-concern holds you back. In blogging, I’ve noticed that the things that I’m the most cautious about writing, and the things I’m the most passionate about, are the things that get the biggest reactions.

And even more than reactions, my tracking data confirms that they are the things that people still read. They are the articles that people write me about, that keep impacting people’s hearts & lives.

But I can’t accurately predict in advance which things will resonate, and which things won’t. And neither can you. The only way to know, and know for sure, is to RISK. If you want to write great non-fiction, you have to actually say the stuff that feels vulnerable.

FICTION RISK: TORTURE/KILL THE CHARACTER
My favorite thing about reading and watching Elisabeth Gaskell’s works (as opposed to Jane Austen, who I also love but for very different reasons) is the difficult reality of her world. Wonderful characters– characters you love– die. People you care about get injuries that threaten their livelihood and ruin their lives. Everyone suffers real loss, not just the “safe” peripheral characters.

It’s why people are nuts about Downton Abbey. People actually die. Main characters– the ones you love and care about– are jailed, attacked, lied about, jilted at the altar, and killed off. They face extreme tragedy and difficulty. The writers have no problem torturing and killing their characters.

If you want to write good fiction, be fierce. Don’t allow only your secondary or tertiary characters to suffer real loss. Cause your main characters to experience heart-wrenching pain– do it on purpose– and your work will be the better for it.

BECOME A BETTER WRITER: RISK
Whatever you’re writing, if you don’t risk, you’re withholding the vulnerability and reality that makes your voice different from others’.

Take some calculated risks with your writing. Write the blogpost about the issue you feel strongly about. Kill off the character that would throw the book into a whirlwind. Consider sharing the thing that feels vulnerable. Put your main character through emotional turmoil.

To become a better writer, risk. And I will too.

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My blood began boiling over this issue a few years ago, when the (supposedly) “safe for the whole family” Christian radio station in my area began advertising “Mommy Makeovers” throughout the day, every day. The ad went something like this:

“Sick of your post-baby flabby midsection? Ready to treat yourself and your body to some ‘me-time’ now that the kids are back in school? Undo the effects of pregnancy. Call Dr. So-and-so and set up your Mommy Makeover today!”

Torn up by the thought of thousands of women feeling stress and self-loathing over the way their bodies naturally change after having a baby, I wrote a letter, begging them– as a “Christian” radio station– not to put this kind of pressure on women. I implored them to place greater emphasis on the beauty of God’s wholistic design of us as women than on the world’s aims for airbrushed external perfection. I sent it straight to the ad department through a friend who works for the radio, who had the same concerns I did, and (of course) never heard back the ad department.

This week, I saw this ad in our local county magazine:

Let’s take this ad point by point, shall we?

First, the image. Let’s not glaze over it. Thin, blonde, smokey-eyed, perfect hair, fully made-up, with fake lip color, and as far as we can tell, naked. A naked, faked woman. (And– this is the nerd in me coming out– only in English would those two words not rhyme.)
The first message: “Earlobe repair.” Not sure why it’s starred… I’ve never ever heard of this. Maybe it’s an inexpensive way to get women in the door, so they can be introduced to (and feel more comfortable about getting) the more expensive elective surgeries?
“LOVE YOURSELF”. Stop right there. Who among us would say that the way to love our daughter is to tell her she needs to change her physical appearance? Would any of us look at our precious tender young daughters and say, “your body needs to be altered in order to meet a one-size-fits-all standard?” I hope we wouldn’t. The way we use that word “love” matters. Loving ourselves can not mean something different than loving our daughter would mean. It is not loving to hold a woman up to an impossibly perfect standard– not our daughters, and not ourselves.

Look, let’s talk straight. I don’t know what kind of influences you’ve had in your life. I don’t know who’s told you what about the way that you look, but we all have our hang-ups in this area. We all have body image issues. Some more than others. But listen to me, and listen to me good:

Your body does not need to be ALTERED in order to be APPROVED.

Your God-given uniqueness is not comparable to a photoshopped magazine image.

You are BEAUTIFUL, right there in that normal, everyday HUMAN package.

OK, let’s keep going.

Look at the promises the ad is making: “Look and feel more confident and youthful.“

Child of God, you precious creation, the apple of His eye, uniquely formed in God’s image, YOU ARE LOVELY.

Your confidence does not derive from whether or not you have makeup plastered on, or if your breasts are a certain size, or droopy, or big enough, or not so big. Your confidence should not come from whether or not you have some extra fluff in your mid-section after having a baby.

Your confidence should not be based on whether or not you have the natural tiredness in your eyes that comes from having young children, hips that have opened up to allow children to be born through them, or wrinkles beside your eyes that give a lovely hint of all the smiles you’ve smiled in your lifetime.

Your confidence is the unshakeable, unchanging nature of God Who is the same, yesterday, today, and forever.

Is not your fear of God your confidence? (Job 4:6)
The Lord will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being caught. (Proverbs 3:26)
We worship by the Spirit of God and glory in Christ Jesus and put no confidence in the flesh. (Philippians 3:3)

You know what I saw, as we lived around the world in multiple cities and continents? EVERY CULTURE, even the skinniest ones, inherently knows that women’s bodies change after having a baby. A mom should not feel an ounce of shame about looking like a mom.

And, more importantly, do you know what the Bible says about your body?

“In the image of God He created them; male and female He created them.” (Genesis 1:27) —> YOU ARE MADE IN THE IMAGE OF GOD!
“Do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on.” (Matthew 6:25) —> GOD CARES FOR YOU, YOU DON’T NEED TO BE ANXIOUS ABOUT YOUR BODY.
“Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, to make you obey its passions.” (Romans 6:12) —> OUR HEARTS SHOULD BE FOCUSED ON INTERNAL HOLINESS MORE THAN EXTERNALS.
“All things are lawful but not all things are helpful. All things are lawful, but I will not be dominated by anything. The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body.” (1 Corinthians 6:12-13) —> NOTHING SHOULD CONTROL OR DOMINATE YOU. Too many women– yes, Christian women, too– are being controlled and dominated by the idol of the perfect body. This was the case in the days of Paul, with the Roman empire as well– you can see it in their marble sculptures and the central location of the gym and colosseums. The pursuit of a perfect body is no new religion, but it is a religion that is different from one that finds contentment and joy in the Lord. Your body is not meant for sexual immorality, or for self-glory, but for the Lord.
“Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own; you were bought with a price. So, glorify God with your body.” Christian woman, let me PLEAD with you. If you have been lured by worldly philosophies that make you think you need to alter your body in order to be acceptable, please realign your thinking.

Let God’s Word be your guide, rather than the wishy-washy, ever-changing rules of man about external beauty. Your body is a place of worship and honor for the Holy Spirit inside of you. It is given to you as a method by which you can GLORIFY GOD!

OK, back to the ad.

It points to “YOUTHFUL”-ness as a desirable trait. Ah, the American idol of youth. And yes, like you, I look back at pictures from high school and college and “can’t believe how skinny”/beautiful/etc. we all were. Of course I see those external facts. But I also know this:

By and large, do you really remember what we were like, as teenagers? (Apologies to any teenagers reading.) I think back and remember lots of zeal and swagger– I remember being passionate about things I knew little to nothing about. I remember skads of anxiety and nerves. I remember the petty cliques and criticisms. I remember feeling that I would never measure up.

Hmmm… kind of like how the ad image above is designed to make us feel.

Here’s what the Bible says about aging, gray hair, and youth:

“Wisdom is with the aged, and understanding in length of days.” (Job 12:12)
“The glory of young men is their strength, but the splendor of old men is their gray hair.” (Proverbs 20:29)
“Gray hair is a crown of glory; it is gained in a righteous life.” (Proverbs 16:31)

Youthfulness is an idol in America, and sadly, in the American church too. But the Bible says that with gray hair comes wisdom, and with age comes honor & splendor. Many women would rather be dead than look old, but we need to recognize that this as an unbiblical attitude.

Demis marry Ashtons, and we admiringly call them cougars and watch sitcoms about similar scenarios. Women hide the year of their birthday on Facebook so people won’t know how old they really are. Botox, tight tops from teen shops, jeggings, and “mommy makeovers” give the promise and illusion that we won’t be as old as we really are, when the truth is, these things make us look even more ridiculous. The only thing worse than a 17-year-old in jeggings is a 47-year-old in jeggings.

We’ve all seen the “plastic surgery gone wrong” photos and they make us cringe. But we need to recognize that when we toy with these notions of “mommy makeovers” and making our appearance the main thing, we are contributing to the plastic surgery culture that says that NONE OF US ARE GOOD ENOUGH.

Look at this list:

Tummy tuck
Breast augmentation/lift
Breast reduction
Liposuction
Post Weight-Loss Surgery
Mommy Makeover Packages
and then they top it off with: “Financing available”

Not only do they want to wreck your soul & make you believe that you aren’t good enough— that you have to change your body in order to be acceptable and desirable and have confidence– (there is no unsurgeried part of your body that they will leave uncriticized)– but they will help you get in debt over it too! Yippee-skippy!

Christian woman, the ads and doctors would have you look at your body as the defining characteristic that gives you value, but God looks at the heart.

Yes, there are seasons when we need to use exercise or food to be good stewards of the bodies He has given us, but REJECT THE CULTURAL MESSAGE that you should loathe the fact that your body has changed.

God is interested in the changes of your HEART.

Surgery images courtesy of VictorHabbick and Ambro/FreeDigitalPhotos

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