by Jess Connell · January 28, 2015

Have you ever walked through a beautiful garden?

The forethought and planning is self-evident. Plants have been put in certain places because of factors like sunshine, soil drainage, water, and access. From the first week on earth, when Adam was placed in the garden, humans have known that a garden needs planning and CARE in order to be beautiful, productive, and beneficial.

It would be absurd to look at an amazing garden and think it all just grew accidentally.

It’s the same with sex.

Like a lovely garden, a good, healthy marital sex life:

  • does not just “happen”
  • is not accidental
  • doesn’t just get gifted to us from God above, on our wedding day,
  • is not a matter of chance or chemistry
  • doesn’t continue effortlessly
  • is not a success or failure based merely on hormones

No… I believe virtually ANY marriage can grow in this area, if we are willing to tend it as we would carefully tend a garden.

CONSIDER:

  • ANY plant, even the most beautiful and robust, will die if left without water and sun.
  • Even the most mundane plant can grow stronger and more beautiful if planted and tended according to its growth patterns and needs.

HOW MUCH FORETHOUGHT YOU GIVE TO SEX?

It may sound boring… or perhaps, to you, it sounds sinful… but let me ask:

  • Do you THINK about your intimacy with your husband?
  • Have you made sex a PRIORITY in your heart, life, energy, and schedule?

In the same way a garden requires regular attention, intimacy in our marriages also require care.

  • Have “weeds” been allowed to grow and overtake the health of your sexual relationship?
  • Are you focusing on other things and forgetting to “fertilize” and “water” this part of your relationship?
  • Has your sexual relationship grown in unhealthy ways that will, over time, weaken it? (i.e., are you letting in perverted, demeaning practices that the world calls “good?”)
  • Are aspects of your marital intimacy no longer serving your needs and desires as a couple?

Let me ask you again:

Is sex a PRIORITY, or an AFTERTHOUGHT, in your marriage?

Here are some things to consider:

  • Are you both satisfied and content with the frequency of intimacy?
  • Do you still faithfully delight in each other, alone?
  • Has this area taken the back burner to other things in life (work, kids, stress, sleep)?
  • Is this an area you need to joyfully, purposefully reclaim?

IN REGARD TO TIMING:

  • Do you need to “schedule” sex, for a time, to get back in a healthier regularity of sex? — though this can seem boring or “unsexy,” we don’t think it’s boring to attend church every Sunday at 10:30AM, or to attend our teen’s extracurricular event every Thursday at 7PM. Sometimes scheduling can keep us on-track with things that are important to us.
  • Do you need to set a mental “reminder” so that you don’t let it go beyond X number of days before you hug and kiss him, and let him know you desire him?
  • Do you need to talk about this? Sometimes, just like with planting a garden, you need to assess how things are working. It can feel awkward, but seriously… this is a “WORTH-IT” topic to discuss with your husband: “What do we need to do differently this year?” “Is there something we could do differently that would help us connect more regularly?” “Have we let bitterness grow in our relationship?” “Have we grown selfish in ways that are affecting our sexual interactions?”)
  • Consider different times of day. Would 5:30AM be better for you both during this season? Would Saturday and Sunday afternoons, while the little ones nap, be a better time for you both? Look at your lives realistically and see where you could make time for one another.
  • Do the kids need an earlier bedtime? Too many parents use kids as an excuse to not connect. Guess what? Before the age of lightbulbs and cell phones, most people were probably in bed not long after dark… especially children. It is OKAY to put them to bed at 8, 8:30 (yes even at older ages) so that you can connect intimately with the love of your life.

IN REGARD TO DESIRE:

  • Do you need to talk to a doctor? Does your husband? Can you lovingly appeal to him, for the good of your relationship, to seek medical input on this? Sometimes there are legitimate physical or hormonal issues happening that are WORTH seeing a doctor about. This is nothing shameful… as with migraines or diabetes, there may be medical solutions available to you.
  • It’s like exercise… just starting it can help you be more “into” it than you were before you began.
  • Perhaps, if you struggle with low desire, you need to choose to revel in the fact that your husband desires ONLY YOU. (This recent segment of “Ask Pastor John” is an excellent 8-minutes on this topic.)

IN REGARD TO APPEARANCE:

  • Do you work to be tidy, healthy, and attractive to your husband? Though I certainly understand mommy exhaustion, we also should desire to bless and delight our husbands. One way we can do that is by intentionally caring for our physical appearance in ways that they like and find attractive.
  • Are you carrying baggage and shame about your body? Do you need to reassess your body in light of what God says about how He made you, rather than the unrealistic images the world pushes in front of your eyes?
  • Do you let your husband SEE you, or is it always “lights out?” Your husband married YOU, and wanted YOU. Rejoice in that! Your body is his. Even with dimmed lights, or a candlelit room, let your husband see and delight in your body.

Please share in the comments:

  • Do you have other thoughts or questions?
  • Suggestions for other ways to bless our husbands in this area?

Let’s keep growing as wives, “tend” to our sexual relationship with our husbands… and purposefully LOVE them!

Subscribe to my newsletter, and I’ll send monthly encouragement — full of truth and grace for moms. SIGN UP, SO WE CAN KEEP IN TOUCH:

Tags: intimacymarriagesexwife

⋅