We were outside, sitting in the filtered summer sun, under a group of large trees. At our community library event I was sitting at the back of a large group of mothers with their children.

The woman right in front of me had one 3 or 4 year old son. At one point, he walked up to her, and without any apparent reason, hit her in the arm.

Then he looked up at her face. (confession: I was looking, too.)

Here’s what was clear:

  • he was out of control, and somewhere in his little soul, he knew it.
  • she was irritated by his aggression.
  • she was embarrassed because of the setting.

She forced a thin, unconvincing smile on her face, and tried to refocus his attention on the outdoor program we were all there to watch.

Her son milled around for another 2 minutes or so, seemingly determined NOT to pay attention to the thing she brought him there to pay attention to, and then circled back, and hit her, harder, in the exact same spot on her arm.

Now, she was mad.

He knew it.
She knew it.
I knew it.

But she looked around, pretending to be smiling and nonplussed by his actions, vaguely pointed him in the direction of the presentation at the front, and went back to ignoring him.

But she wasn’t just ignoring him.

SHE WAS IGNORING HER MOMMY RADAR.

Three or four times, this same thing happened. He milled around, came back to hit her, and she used the ineffective combo of fake smiles, ignoring, and/or distracting.

Then he came to punch her again, this time harder than ever.

Her hand whipped out, lightning-fast, and grabbed the top of his arm, squeezing it so strong tears came to his eyes. He squirmed to pull away, but to no avail. Her fury was commanding the moment. Angrily, she whispered something loud and insistent in his ear.

He wasn’t paying attention to what she was saying.
She probably wasn’t paying attention to what she was saying.

This was revenge, not discipline.

Though her initial goals were probably:

  • enjoying the event
  • avoiding embarrassment
  • and perhaps (I would guess, given its popularity and her initial uncertain-and-angry-but-trying-to-be-cheerful reactions) something like “positive parenting”

what she was actually doing was training her son that he could do whatever he wanted (not pay attention), then systematically hurt the woman he loves, as much as possible, pushing to the highest possible degree, until she reached a breaking point.

She was, with each interaction, training her son to be a monster.

The longer I raise sons– (considering both the things I do well, and the things I do poorly)– the more clear this principle becomes:

A boy learns from his mother how he should treat women.

  • Will a woman who loves him let him push her around?
  • Are women to be respected?
  • Should he joke about women’s bodies, or bodily functions?
  • Is it OK to physically hurt a woman?
  • Will she just “take it,” in order to avoid confrontation?
  • In what ways are women different from men?
  • Will social embarrassment keep her from speaking up or doing anything when he’s actually crossed the line?

(no, I’m not pregnant. This pic is from 3 years ago!)

Mama, if you have a son, you have the privilege of being the first one to teach him the answers to these questions.

And if you don’t teach them, he may yet learn the lessons, but it will most likely happen through pain he inflicts over years or decades. The real ones who will pay the price will be the young women he attends college with, dates, and the woman he marries.

Other women will reap the seeds you are sowing.

And most likely, it will be a woman you come to love and desire relationship with.

So instead of letting him get away with things you know are unpleasant, unkind, cruel, and/or uncomfortable for others, teach him:

  • He can’t hurt people and have it go unnoticed and uncorrected.
  • He is expected to control himself well before things “go too far.”
  • DO NOT force grins and fake “positivity,” no matter what he’s like.
  • Give him REAL smiles when he does things that merit real smiles.

Your son needs a mom committed to draw out what is TRULY good in his life. He needs you to hold boundary lines that teach him what is appropriate and good in his treatment of others.

For his own good, and for the good of all the women he will encounter in life, he needs you to stand up to him when he crosses the line, especially in regard to using his physical strength to harm others. (Including you!!) 

He needs you to tell him things like:

  • When you’re changing his diaper: “No no; that hurts mama when you kick my tummy.” (even if it’s only at the level of being mildly annoying, barely noticeable, or only slightly-painful)
  • “No no. We don’t hit. Be GENTLE.” (