“To glorify someone is to praise, enjoy, and delight in them.” ~Tim Keller
This short tweet stopped me in my tracks. It’s not that I hadn’t heard these ideas before, or didn’t know the definition of glorify.
But, simply, this little definition provides such a practical litmus test for us as believers. Sometimes “glorify God” can seem so ethereal, but this brings it down to the practical level.
WHO DO I PRAISE, ENJOY, AND DELIGHT IN?
This is one of those questions that we all know the “right” answer to. But don’t let your heart leap over to the ease of that “right” answer.
Instead, consider, if a group of objective people was put into a conference room and one of them hit “play” on a compilation soundtrack of your words, written communication, and thoughts, AND could see the hidden motivations behind your choices over the last six months, who would be at the center of your mental focus?
- Whose praise am I most preoccupied with?
- Whose joy do I seek?
- Who do I place at the center of my delight?
WHO IS IT THAT I’M GLORIFYING?
- MY HUSBAND? – Is there an inordinate focus on my earthly husband? Do I expect him to fulfill me in ways that only God can? Do I grasp for his praise, his notice, his recognition? Do I primarily derive my joy and delight from him? Do his moods and actions lead me on a roller coaster of emotions and moods?
- MY CHILDREN? – Are they the people I most wholeheartedly praise and seek to please? Do their successes or failures puff me up high with pride or bring me down low with despair? Am I wrapped up in their doings, hurts, and successes?
- SOMEONE ELSE? Perhaps a friend, boss, or someone I look up to? Perhaps a celebrity or author?
- ME? – Am I ultimately a praise-seeker, pursuing my own self-focused “kingdom,” and delighting in the things that please and promote me? Are my own ways, ease, and desires the center of my focus?
Who is it that I praise, enjoy, and delight in?
- Think back to that soundtrack of your mind– would an honest evaluation of your moment-by-moment thoughts point to Christ, or to someone/something else, at the center?
I suspect that, in that room where all our thoughts, actions, words, and motivations were laid bare, very few of us could honestly answer, “Christ is consistently at the center. Christ is who I most praise, enjoy, and delight in.”
While some of us may find that our praise and joys rest on others, for most of us, I would imagine that our commitment to our own promotion, success, and happiness is what looms largest in the priorities of our hearts.
When our joy terminates on an individual (even if it is the individual of “self”), it is an unsustainable joy. Only God can bear up under the weight of continual praise and glory. It would crush anyone else to be at the center of our affections and expectations in that way.
When I see myself and my heart motivations in this light, it makes me want to fight harder against worship of anything other than Christ.
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Several years ago, I was able to take a basic biblical counseling class, and one of the sessions focused in on the “Anti-Psalm.” This exercise was a challenge for us to better understand what a text is saying by carefully thinking through the exact opposite meaning.
It can be very insightful to look at the “opposite” of what we say we believe, and see how much we (unfortunately) identify with the very ideas we claim not to believe. It’s also an excellent way to clarify the positive meaning of a text.
Today, I want to do that with the Proverbs 31 woman. You may remember my recent series about this oft-misunderstood gal. Let me remind you of the basic framework we need to properly understand this woman, and this passage:
Proverbs 31 provides a model of what a life well-lived could look like. This is not a snapshot of a young mom “doing it all”/”having it all”. It’s descriptive, rather than prescriptive. This life-in-review chapter describes what a God-fearing woman is and does (over the long-haul) for the family God has given her and the people around her.
Rather than seeing it as a guilt-producing chapter, this could be a clarion call to point to some areas where God can bring about growth in our lives.
With that understanding, then, (not as a guilt-trip, but as something we can use to lay ourselves bare before God and ask Him for direction about where we should be growing), let’s look at this “Opposite of the Proverbs 31 Woman:”
A terrible wife is a dime a dozen.
She is common– easily found.
Her husband feels tense; his heart is never fully at rest around her. She blows through his resources and squanders his contributions. There’s never anything left over, to invest or to give. The tight finances point to a larger reality: he can’t really trust her.
She spends more time and energy tearing him down than building him up. Every day of her whole life is spent making him worse off.
She sits around, aimlessly waiting for opportunities. Her hands are idle, because nothing magically comes her way on its own.
She does the bare minimum necessary to contribute to the nourishment and care of her family (and sometimes, not even that!). She can’t be expected to go to great lengths to bless her household.
She sleeps in, and uses her time poorly. Her household often gets to mealtime without anything planned or prepared.
She buys things on a whim– spending money on possessions rather than purposeful, long-range investments.
She’s weak-willed and weak-bodied, and thus, unwilling and unable to do the things God has put on her plate.
Her efforts are spent unprofitably, on things that don’t bring fruit.
If she’s up late, she’s doing impractical, useless things or spending her free time as “me time.”
Her skills are few, if any, and what she does do is careless and done poorly.
She can’t afford to be generous. The money’s all gone because she’s spent it on other things.
Her heart and hands are turned inward. Whatever her words say, the result of her actions and inaction reveal that her own desires eclipse the needs of others in her heart.
The thought of tragedy or difficulty makes her anxious and fearful because she hasn’t properly prepared her home, her family, and herself for these possibilities.
She doesn’t actively put her mind and creativity to work on improving the basic, everyday things in her home.
Her husband is ridiculed and thought ill of in their community because of how poorly she’s talked about him. Others don’t respect him, because his wife doesn’t either.
She spends her time and energies aimlessly and fruitlessly.
She puts money in the pockets of merchants, rather than the other way around.
Weakness, irresponsibility, and indecency are her clothing.
She churns with anxiety and fear about the future.
Her words are foolish; people around her are negatively influenced by her cynicism and critical attitude. Bitterness and judgments about others regularly spew from her lips.
She’s stressed and concerned about all manner of things, but oblivious to the realities of what’s happening inside her own heart and home. There, her exhaustion and stress boil over into laziness and inaction.
Her children rise up and can’t wait to get away from her. They curse her.
Her husband also, and he can’t find anything good to say.
A woman who fears the Lord is to be praised,
But this woman’s charm is deceitful, and her beauty is in vain.
Her hands are fruitless, and leave her nothing to enjoy or be praised for.
So…
… after writing that, I feel a little exposed, and challenged in a few areas. How about you?
Looking at the opposite of this Proverbs 31 woman causes me to realize some areas where I need to grow.
SHAME VS. CONVICTION
But let’s make sure (at all times, not just now) that we’re operating out of biblical conviction rather than guilt/shame. God hasn’t given me (or you) everything in the whole world to work on, right this minute– every flaw, every fear, every weakness. When we feel a general sense of shame or humiliation, that is not from God.
God doesn’t shame. He convicts.
So let’s not operate out of shame. But as you read through the “anti-Proverbs-31,” there probably is one thing that stands out (or maybe two?).
When God’s Spirit convicts us, there is specificity (rather than a vague, dull sense of embarrassment, pain, or “not measuring up”) and there is hope. He does not leave us to flounder and “produce” growth on our own. His Spirit stands with us, working inside of us, enabling the very obedience He desires.
Colossians 1:29 is one of my favorite verses. It says:
“I toil, struggling with all his energy that he powerfully works within me.”
My husband Doug calls this the “bike pedal” of faith. I push one side, and the Spirit pushes the other. I can’t pedal the bike forward with my one side (without the Spirit’s help), and He won’t magically make the bike go without effort on my part.
But together, with me toiling with His energy, and His energy powerfully working within me, there is forward motion.
THE REALITY OF PROVERBS 31
The good news is this: the opposite of the Proverbs 31 woman is not the final story. If you re-read the anti-Proverbs 31 alongside the real Proverbs 31, you’ll find hope, and perhaps be able to put your finger on a specific area where God may be calling you to grow.
An excellent wife who can find?
She is far more precious than jewels.
The heart of her husband trusts in her,
and he will have no lack of gain.
She does him good, and not harm,
all the days of her life.
She seeks wool and flax,
and works with willing hands.
She is like the ships of the merchant;
she brings her food from afar.
She rises while it is yet night
and provides food for her household
and portions for her maidens.
She considers a field and buys it;
with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.
She dresses herself with strength
and makes her arms strong.
She perceives that her merchandise is profitable.
Her lamp does not go out at night.
She puts her hands to the distaff,
and her hands hold the spindle.
She opens her hand to the poor
and reaches out her hands to the needy.
She is not afraid of snow for her household,
for all her household are clothed in scarlet.
She makes bed coverings for herself;
her clothing is fine linen and purple.
Her husband is known in the gates
when he sits among the elders of the land.
She makes linen garments and sells them;
she delivers sashes to the merchant.
Strength and dignity are her clothing,
and she laughs at the time to come.
She opens her mouth with wisdom,
and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
She looks well to the ways of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children rise up and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
“Many women have done excellently,
but you surpass them all.”
Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
Give her of the fruit of her hands,
and let her works praise her in the gates.
So if there is conviction rising in your heart, what specific area is God putting His finger on that might need work?
- Perhaps it’s the “getting to mealtime without a plan of action” thing.
- Maybe it’s a habit of buying things on a whim?
- Or perhaps you’ve habitually criticized or teased your husband in public settings.
What one thing could you do, today, in God’s Spirit, differently than you did yesterday, to grow in a Godward direction?
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Recently, on an older post about exhaustion, I received this comment:
“I don’t want to offend anyone but why do people keep having more kids if they are already exhausted with 1 or 2 they do have?”
There are so many answers I could give, but for me, it all boils down to this:
Anything of value is exhausting.
Planting and keeping a garden.
Business ventures. Writing and publishing a book.
Raising animals. Developing strong relationships. Maintaining a healthy body.
Learning a useful skill or earning a degree.
And yes, having and raising children.
A COMMON ATTITUDE, OFT-UNSPOKEN
I don’t want to come down too hard on this anonymous commenter, because I think this question comes from a common feeling in our culture. I’ve heard it asked from a variety of angles:
- Why would you keep having kids if they’re so tiring?
- Why would you have so many kids if it keeps you from owning nice things?
- Why would you want more kids if you’re not going to be able to pay for them all to attend college?
- Why would you have more kids when they’re so expensive?
We’re all fed these ideas from different sources. From our parents. From our friends
Even, sometimes, from our pulpits.
And certainly, from the media. Multiple times a year, Yahoo! presents me with a headline, wanting me to click on an article, that will give me some egghead’s latest calculations of how much it takes to raise a child. And it’s always an eye-poppingly HUGE amount.
As a mom of six-going-on-seven children, let me tell you how much kids cost: NOT THAT MUCH. Well, not after the first kid of each gender. And even the first kid of each gender can require a wildly divergent amount, dependent NOT on the child, but on the parent.
A child is just as happy to play in 75 cent slightly-faded t-shirts from a thrift store as he is to play in an on-trend $35 one from Gymboree. He doesn’t care if his carseat, nursing cover, and playmat are decked out in the latest pattern, last year’s chevron stripes, or the geometric print with giraffes on it from several years back.
It is usually the parent’s preferences, rather than the child’s, that makes ‘having a child’ expensive or not.
BUT WHAT ABOUT HOW *TIRING* THEY ARE?
Yes, children are tiring.
You know, though, I still remember: I was tired after having my first. It took me about six months to feel anywhere near “normal,” and even then, it wasn’t the same “normal” I’d had before having him. I was tired. The workload was far more than I’d anticipated. The wear and tear on my body (which was larger than it had ever been) was considerable.
If I’d let being “tired” stop me, I’d have missed out (and the world would have missed out, and their future friends and spouses would have missed out) on the additional five-going-on-six wonderful people God has placed in our family.
- Their humor.
- Their creativity.
- Their curious engagement with the world around them.
- Their hard work ethics and
- the way they bless our neighbors and friends.
- Their unique skills and perspective on the world.
If “tired” was what controlled our decision-making, we all would have missed out on one-of-a-kind gifts from God.
There’s a parable about the “treasure hidden in the field”– the treasure is the Kingdom of God, and once the man finds the treasure, he does all he needs to do, selling possessions, and making whatever arrangements necessary, to obtain that treasure.
It’s like that with anything we truly value.
When you find something wonderfully valuable, tiredness doesn’t really have a whole lot to do with whether or not you pursue that thing.
- When I wanted a degree in political science, sleepless nights of study and preparation didn’t keep me from it.
- When we wanted to live in DC, the fact that the apartment we could afford was an hour’s metro ride and a 2-mile round-trip walk didn’t discourage us.
- When we wanted to move abroad, the very real prospects of jet lag, culture stress, weariness, and raising our children without family nearby didn’t keep us from following through.
When we value something, we do whatever it takes. Exhaustion shouldn’t dissuade us from pursuing what is worthwhile.
WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE ABOUT CHILDREN?
Much of this, honestly, comes back not to tiredness, but to what you think about kids.
And this isn’t a big-family thing. This is a heart-level thing for any of us to consider. Whether you have 0, 1, 5, or 25, how do you view children?
Here’s how Doug & I view them:
- They are precious eternal souls.
- They are each unique creations of God, created for His purpose and glory.
- They are gifts from God that we must steward well, and raise with sobriety and humble dependence on God.
- We are richer, having them in our lives, than we could ever be without them, whatever our financial state.
And the other truth, specifically about exhaustion, is this:
I was tired with one. I was tired with two. I was, perhaps, the most tired with four kids six and under. And now, yes, guess what?, I’m tired with six-going-on-seven.
But you know what? While my body is tired (and I think that’s true of most 34 year old moms, no matter the number of children in their home), my work load is LIGHTER now than it was when I was 6 years younger, with 2 less children.
How so? Because I’ve gotten better at managing the things God has given, and I’ve also trained up little people who are beginning to contribute to the home management, rather than solely being consumers.
The story is never over on your tiredest day.
God gives grace to the humble, and strength to the weary, and new mercies each morning. He deals gently with those who are with young. He has been so kind to us, and I’ve experienced His fathering and sanctification through these wonderful gifts He’s given.
Exhaustion, tiredness, is not the end of the story.
God… His mercy… His goodness… His sufficiency– HE is the end of the story.
MY ANSWER TO “WHY?”
These are some of the reasons why I keep having kids, even though I was tired with the one or two I had, and even though I’m tired with the (six) I have.
Though my human supply (of energy and money) is limited, my God supplies every need and gives such great joy through these children that He gives, that I am willing and even (sometimes) eager to have more. They are a treasure to me, and each one of them will (I pray) make eternal contributions to this world. Above all of that, my incredible, merciful God gives grace in my moment of need.
God’s grace, rather than my human exhaustion, provides the answer to this question.
Thanks, anonymous reader, for asking an honest question, and for giving me the opportunity to contemplate more deeply the “whys” behind our choices.
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A chart on my Facebook feed offered a humorous look at what “taking care of yourself” looks like before, and after, kids. According to the chart, taking daily vitamins turns into eating “one of the orange gummy vitamins your toddler won’t eat.” Reading a novel becomes reading the yogurt’s expiration date so you don’t poison the kids. 60 minutes of daily exercise into 60 minutes of weekly hiding in the bathroom to restore your sanity.
All joking aside, it is all too easy for moms to fall prey to the notion that their own needs are the ones that can be dismissed and go unmet. But over the long haul, this hurts both ourselves and our families.
When we lived overseas, Doug and I were blessed to be able to attend a class about avoiding burnout as an ex-pat… essentially, it was all about stewardship of the soul. It was written by and for believers, and helped us to learn the rhythm and necessity of self-care while living in perpetually high-stress situations.
While unpacking boxes recently, I came across those old notes. I’ve adapted them here for moms.
“Our bodies were created to function by breathing in and out on a continual basis. Likewise our souls were created to continually take in good as we give out good to others. The term ‘self-care’ refers to that intentional care that [moms] need to give themselves in order to function at optimal levels,” just like breathing in and out.
By doing this, we honor and glorify God through good stewardship of ourselves as image bearers of God.
CONSIDER– which of these areas need your focus in the coming weeks?
- REST– The Creator of all the world rested on the 7th day. Jesus rested. Purposefully set aside times for rest and recovery, and guard them diligently. Get quality solitude as you are able. Know your own signs of fatigue and burnout (this can include things like irritability, lack of concentration, spiritual apathy, loss of appetite, panic, anxiety, anger, resentment, restlessness, withdrawal from people you normally love to be with), which tell you that you need rest.
- KEEP EXPECTATIONS REALISTIC- Seek God first; prioritize your life behind that. Evaluate yourself honestly. Some moms labor under too-high of expectations of themselves, and others tend toward laziness and expect too little. Know yourself and set appropriate expectations for the season you are in.
- ESTABLISH BOUNDARIES- God has called and gifted you to do what He requires of you as a mom… but that doesn’t make you Super-Mom! “Learn to set limits for yourself, so that you will neither promise more than you can give nor overwork yourself, stifling your effectiveness. Boundaries help us and reassure others that we will not abuse ourselves.” Say ‘NO’ (without guilt) to some things– even worthwhile things– so that you will have room for the most important things in your life.
- REGAIN PERSPECTIVE- Sabbath was established to orient us toward a focus on God. Set time for regular Sabbath rest in your life. This may be a new idea for you… in our fast-paced society, it is rare for anyone to set aside an entire day for restful focus on God. “Remember that you are a child of the Father. Take moments to get away or relax for the purpose of reflection.” Replant yourself in the soil of God’s goodness; remind yourself of His grace and truth. “Let memories of God’s work in your life help you celebrate His goodness” and look forward to His continued work around you.
- EXERCISE- Be a good steward of your earthen vessel. “Have some form of regular exercise. You may not feel like doing this, but you know you need it.” Physical well-being doesn’t merely extend to our weight and muscle mass. By taking care of our physical form, we are better equipped to love the people in our lives, and it can even help with depression, stress levels, and sleep problems.
- ACTIVELY PRAY- Living and active prayer connects us with God’s power and presence. Take time to commune with your Maker. As moms it can be difficult to “find time to pray” but this is an important part of growing in faith and connecting with our Father. Most women know this instinctively– we feel closer to people we converse with, and more distant toward those we rarely speak to or hear from. Purposefully speak with your Creator about the concerns of your heart– your husband and children, the relationships and challenges of your life– and listen to His Spirit as He counsels your heart with truth from the Word.
- READ- Transformation of our mind is essential for Christlikeness. Take time to read from Scripture, devotional classics, and books that give you fresh spiritual insight and greater depth and maturity. “Strengthen your soul by study, reflection, and meditation on the Word of God.” I have found, as a mom, that one way for me to rest and recharge my soul is to read while taking a hot bath at the end of the day. [Another way that I keep my mind engaged is by filling our home with Godward words from Scripture and books… I write them out on paper and post them on the fridge, above the stove, and on my mirror. I also paint and sew them in various places. It’s a great way to keep yourself challenged and focused on what matters.]
- STRETCH YOURSELF- Life in the Spirit is to be bold, not timid. “Exercise your spiritual life by ‘reaching’ further into your understanding of truths such as faithfulness, forgiveness, grace, hope, joy, patience, sacrifice, salvation. Dig out some of those old workbooks [or sermon notes!] you meant to follow-up on.” Start a reading club or ask an older woman to meet with you to read through a book of the Bible together. “Get into some good dialogue that stretches those intellectual muscles you haven’t used since school.”
- BUILD SUPPORT- Let others “one another” and carry your burdens when needed. “Join or create a small group whom you can share your journey, struggles, and strain with, as well as your celebrations and joys. Schedule time with these people. Let them speak into your life. Remember, Jesus surrounded Himself with His own specially selected group of such people.” Do not let yourself fade into isolation and self-pitying loneliness.
- SCHEDULE JOY- Rejoice intentionally! Schedule a few activities into your routine that take you away from the kitchen sink and laundry bin, and that give you a boost. Laugh with, and kiss, your husband. Go to coffee with a friend. Join a monthly moms’ group. Purposefully play WITH the kids. “If you don’t supply yourself with some lightheartedness and joy, you’ll eventually have little to give to others.”
IN THE COMMENTS:
- Share which of these self-care habits you need to be purposeful about implementing in your life. (Bonus points for specific stories and examples!)
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Burnout can come to any of us. Sometimes it comes because we’re in a high-stress season, and sometimes it comes because we’ve over-committed.
There are times, though, when burnout comes because we have not treated ourselves as human beings worthy of care.
Whether because we’ve been a “mommy martyr” or because in the busyness of life, it’s fallen by the wayside, we can forget that God has given us our minds, hearts, and bodies as something we are to steward well.
STEWARDSHIP… OF YOU???
What does it mean to exercise stewardship?
Merriam-Webster defines it this way:
the conducting, supervising, or managing of something; especially: the careful and responsible management of something entrusted to one’s care
Stewardship is not just something reserved for money, company property, or for a committee that meets once a month at church.
Stewardship is something we all do, everyday.
Everything we own is God’s.
Read that again: everything we own is God’s. That includes our money and possessions, but doesn’t stop there.
God has given us our time, our energy levels and physical strength. He has given us the relationships and family that we have. He has given us our roles and occupation. Stewardship is a mindset we can bring to everything we do, and everything we are.
So then, even though it sounds selfish (and can have selfish application– I think of the modern “me-time” phenomenon that has women darting here and there in an attempt to fill the empty and hurting places in their souls), I believe one of the things we are to do is to steward ourselves well.
WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE TO STEWARD “ME?”
One way that we care for the people in our lives is to see that their needs are met. Needs like food, water, warmth, nursing when they are sick, etc., are all the basics… but we typically don’t stop there.
We arrange our furniture in such a way that it services the needs of the people who live in our home. Perhaps we buy our husband’s favorite snack to show that we care for him. He doesn’t “need” the snack, and yet, his need for affection and care is something we care about and desire to meet. So we buy the snack. Perhaps we purchase books for our children to read that will not just fill our shelves with books, but will fill their minds with wholesome, Godward thinking. We work to recognize when a child is overcommitted, and instead of signing them up for more activities, we purposefully decompress and take a semester (or more) off from the chaos.
These are all examples of thoughtful stewardship. They are also intentional ways of actively loving the people around us.
So, then, how can I steward “me?”
I think particularly for moms, this can be an important consideration. It is not a visit to the salon, ultimately, that will soothe my soul. An outfit that better fits my marshmallowy postpartum body will not resolve the hurts of my heart. At times, a physical answer like one of these could possibly be a piece of the puzzle, but it is not my final solution.
What then are some ways we can (rightly, biblically) have our needs met? These are in order of how I believe they should happen:
- Prayer– talk to the Lord.
- Bible reading– be encouraged and have your mind renewed.
- Analyze the way you’re running your home and consider if some things need to be prioritized differently or done by others.
- Build REST into your routine. (Naptime? After the kids’ bedtime? How can you help your heart and body to be at rest during this in-the-trenches season of motherhood?)
- Build NURTURE into your routine. In the same way that you seek to care for the other people in your home, consider small ways you can care for yourself. Scripture says a lot condemning selfishness, but it also makes a lot of assumptions that “we care for our own flesh”– see the classic marriage passage in Ephesians 5 as one example. It is not wrong or selfish to care for your own flesh, and make efforts to see that your needs are met, similar to how you do for the other people in your home.
- Talk to your husband- ask for his advice and input. Many times, Doug has weighed in on an issue in our home and helped provide a simple solution to a problem I was previously churning over and couldn’t solve on my own.
- Look to your husband- appropriately ask for his help and engagement in what’s happening in your home. (There are seasons where this may be inapplicable. A husband who’s working 2 jobs and going through college likely won’t be able to help with the housework much at all. A husband who has a hectic travel schedule may not be able to do this as often. But it is not wrong to ask your husband to jump in and help, especially in times like the postpartum season.)
- Talk to your children– about what needs doing, and about being cheerful helpers.
- Look to your children– see what they are capable of doing, and train them to help. (If you need ideas, check out our chore chart— FYI, the ages of the kids listed are 12, 10, 8, 6, & 4.)
- Talk to your church Body– ask other moms how they do x, y, and z. Humble yourself, get advice, and be willing to implement it. (One thought here: don’t look to complainers… look to women who seem to have found a level of peace and calm in the area where you are stressed.)
- Look to your church Body- if there are legitimate needs that are beyond what you can carry, this is one the “one anothering” of Scripture kicks in. See who in your Body might be able to help carry your burden during this season. (Especially if you have “mommy martyr” tendencies, look carefully at who you ask. Don’t merely ask the person who will embarrass you least. Try to ask the person who has the ability/time/energy to give what you need.)
A healthy mom actively works to meet the needs of everyone in her household. She includes HERSELF as a person in the household. There may be times when she steps up to do a task despite overwhelming exhaustion, but over the long haul, she works hand-in-hand alongside her family and doesn’t hold expectations over others. She expresses her needs and asks for help when she needs it.
One way we can avoid burnout is by more intentionally stewarding ourselves. When we recognize that our bodies, minds, time, and energy are given to us by God, rather than simply using them up, we can seek to care for them and use them well.
PLEASE SHARE IN THE COMMENTS:
- What’s one thing you can begin doing to actively steward *YOU* more faithfully?
Images courtesy of: imagery majestic & Ambro/freedigitalphotos.net
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In Part 1, we asked the question- “Are You A ‘Mommy Martyr?’” That article gives a fleshing out of what it looks like to take on the identity of a ‘mommy martyr’ as well as some of the ways it affects our lives.
Today (in Part 2), I want to look at 7 ways we can leave the “mommy martyr” complex behind and intentionally put on our identity in Christ.
GOD’S WOMAN
In contrast with the description of the churning, ever-tired, never-satisfied woman we looked at in part one, I believe we are meant to be women who see ourselves as God sees us:
This woman:
- Recognizes her limitations
- Sees herself realistically
- Sees others realistically
- Recognizes God’s bigness, and thus, doesn’t feel like she has to do everything
- Seeks to have her needs met in the right ways
- Expresses her needs and hurts in appropriate ways, to appropriate people
- Is not actively churning while wearing a smile (soul hypocrisy). Rather, her outsides match her insides.
This is the kind of woman I aspire to be.
I don’t want to (inwardly) churn my way through life. I want my outside to match my inside.
I’d like to steward my body, mind, and soul well, with an awareness of my own human insufficiency, and God’s ultimate power. Less concerned with the goings-on of others, and more concerned about loving others. Less concerned about my own busyness and more concerned about the business God has expressly put on my plate. Less concerned about being “right,” and more concerned about words that are seasoned with the grace of the Gospel. Less concerned about activities and more concerned about the attitudes of my heart.
WHAT CAN WE DO TO AVOID BEING (OR BECOMING) A “MOMMY MARTYR?”
- Look at yourself in light of Scripture: recognize your own human weakness, and the human weakness of people around you.
- Purposefully look for ways to avoid burnout before it happens. Though it may sound odd, put this way, *YOU* are someone that needs to be cared for, just like everyone else in your household.
- Begin committing to ONLY the things you can do joyfully. The world will not fall apart if you don’t “do it all.” Purposefully say “yes” to the thing that you can rightly, joyfully, whole-heartedly say “yes” to. And then, say “no” without guilt to the other queries that come your way.
- Choose to stop the comparisons when they start going in your brain. No one benefits when we compare. Others are put down, or put up on pedestals. We are discouraged, or become puffed up. Comparison is never, ever a good thing.
- Ask others to help when you believe it’s needed. Don’t expect anyone– husband, children, friends, relatives, fellow church members– to be able to read your mind! And keep in mind the difference between a daily “load” and a one-another-sized burden.
- Walk in a way so that your inside matches your outside. If you find yourself churning inside, do something about it– take action! Don’t let your heart grow accustomed to this kind of soul hypocrisy.
- And, perhaps most importantly: Choose to do the things you do IN CHRIST, not in your own human strength.
This last point can be the most difficult when we have taken on the attitude of a mommy martyr. For so long, we have yearned for human notice and attention given to the activities and “successes” of our lives.
I believe this can be an easy “idol” for stay-home moms who long for the praise and positional respect that we’re “missing out on” by not climbing the rungs of a career ladder. We have to guard our hearts against this longing for human praise and notice. We must fight against self-pity that fuels a belief that we are under-praised, under-noticed, and deserving of more than we are given.
Instead of “doing, doing, doing” in our own strength (which, ultimately, is working for our own glory), we can opt to walk in the power God supplies– like Colossians 1:29 describes:
For this I toil, struggling with all his energy that he powerfully works within me.
The goal for us is not to do everything in our own power. Instead, true strength comes when we recognize that we CAN’T “do it all,” and instead:
- align ourselves under King Jesus, inquiring of Him what HE would have us do.
- align ourselves under whatever authorities God has put in our lives — this means asking your husband, or your parents (if you’re younger), and possibly your elders or others for wisdom about what you should be doing.
- And then do what the verse says: “TOIL” — working strenuously with all “HIS ENERGY” that HE will powerfully work within you.
Rely on Him. Lean on His Word. Look to His priorities. And do the things that He leads you to do.
Our Good Shepherd doesn’t lead us to burnout. That’s the place we end up when we are going and doing and striving in our own efforts… even when the places we are going are “good” places and the things we are doing are “good” things.
To avoid being a “Mommy Martyr,” carefully evaluate your “yes”es and commit to what you can joyfully do, supplied by God’s strength.
Hang in there, Mama. We’re all works in progress, but let’s progress closer to our Savior, fixing our identity IN HIM, and move away from the “Mommy Martyr” identity.
IN THE COMMENTS:
- Discuss with me: Have you seen a tendency in yourself to try to do things in your own human strength, rather than living daily in the energy and strength Christ supplies?
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This mom:
- steps up to “do it all,” taking on more than she can cheerfully do, then feels bitterness and frustration
- doesn’t ask (but still expects) others to help
- may keep an internal “list” of all the things she does that no one else appreciates
- magnifies her own responsibilities, contributions, and burdens, and thus expects that others would notice and pitch in
- minimizes the responsibilities, contributions, and burdens of others, and thus expects that others have plenty of extra energy and time to notice and pitch in to carry her load
- compares herself to others and may see herself as more holy/servant-like
- actively engages in self-pity
- may feel disdain for others who do things for fun and recharging
- sees tiredness and impending burn-out from her goings-on as a sign of her righteous strength rather than her human weakness
- lets everything pile up until she reaches a breaking point, boils over, and desperately, overwhelmingly NEEDS help
- is roiling and churning on the inside, though her outside may appear godly and put-together
A MISTAKEN IDEA OF LOVE
In all of her “doings,” the mommy martyr is likely convinced that she is doing what is best for the people in her life.
In reality, though, no one is best-loved who never has to pull their own weight. By doing it all, she is robbing the people in her home of the contributions they could make, and exhausting herself in the process. The “mommy martyr” does it all, but then grows bitter, whereas love doesn’t enable sin. Love doesn’t hold out unspoken expectations and a “list of wrongs.” Love speaks the truth. Also, as a mom, love looks like teaching our children to pull their own weight, and serve one another inside the home.
The mommy martyr needs to rightly see that her doings aren’t actually loving, and choose to actively, truly love the people around her.
POOR STEWARDSHIP OF HERSELF
This is the classic “put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others” advice. The mommy martyr eventually reaches a drowning point of exhaustion and bitterness and doesn’t realize that she’s harming the people around her by her choice to serve, serve, serve, and never ask for help. She’s burnt-out, used-up, completely-spent, and looks around at other moms and doesn’t know how others do it.
By trying to “do it all,” she eventually puts herself in a position where she can’t do even the daily things with joy. Every part of her is maxed-out. Every task feels like “another item on the list” of things she does and no one appreciates. By failing to actively care for herself, and failing to reach out to and receive help from those within her household, she has torn apart her ability to continue loving and serving them with joy.
A verse that applies to this is Proverbs 14: 1: “Every wise woman builds her house, but a foolish one tears it down with her own hands.”
She thinks she is doing good to her household, but with each self-pitying action she takes, and with each additional burden she wearily adds to her load, this mom is tearing down her home. Her home is turned into a place where needs go unexpressed, service is taken for granted, and self-focused churning rules the inward places of those who dwell there.
Mark Altrogge said this: “The word hypocrite comes from a word meaning actor. A hypocrite’s an actor, a pretender. He professes some value or belief but his private life does not match it. He’s not pure in heart. So to be pure in heart means our words match our thoughts. Our outer life matches our inner life.”
The mommy martyr has an outside that looks one way, but inwardly, she is roiling with exhaustion and bitterness. In truth, this is hypocrisy of the soul.
IS THIS DESCRIBING YOU?
Do you see yourself in some of the mommy martyr description? Perhaps we can all find ourselves there, whether in whole, or in some piece or part. The good news is, we don’t have to stay there.
In my next post, Part 2, we examine 7 ways to stop being a “Mommy Martyr.”
IN THE COMMENTS:
- Would you consider sharing one story or example from your life or life experiences where you’ve seen a “mommy martyr” attitude?
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TRAJECTORY– (noun) the path followed by an
object moving under the action of given forces.
When a plane is on a certain trajectory, you can fairly accurately predict where it is headed based on its previous course, its speed, and the direction its nose currently points.
The same is true of many things in life.
If you look at your life as on a particular trajectory, where are you headed right now– toward bitterness or joy? Toward growth as a woman and child of God, toward stagnancy, or worse still, toward hypocrisy and selfishness? Toward balance and wisdom in your approach to devices, or a social media addiction? Toward love and a heart for serving the people God puts in your path, or toward judgmental criticism of the people around you?
If you look at each of your children as on a particular trajectory, where are they headed? Given what you know about how God has built them, and what God is doing in their young minds and in your family’s life, where do their individual paths lead? Given their current level of obedience and responsiveness to the authorities in their lives, does their path lead to fruitfulness and peace, or to jail? Given their current attitude, and your response to it, where is their character headed?
If you look at your marriage as on a particular trajectory, where is it headed? Given the way you interact, your communication level and quality, your intimacy, and your unity and oneness, where is it likely you’ll end up: as the joyful couple celebrating dozens of years, Lord willing? Or, as the embittered older couple who managed to stay married by the skin of your teeth– despite a lack of connectivity and a laundry list of offenses between you? Or, divorced?
If you look at your spiritual life as on a particular trajectory, where are you headed? Toward greater wisdom, greater groundedness in the Word, and greater depths of dependence on the Heavenly Father? Or toward more independence and self-reliance, more valuing of worldly wisdom over the Word, and more time spent in your own head than thinking God’s thoughts after Him?
Let’s look at our lives realistically, without that mysterious American expectation fueled by romantic movies: little knowledge, little wisdom, that somehow leads to an amazing outcome.
If you look at your life without wishful thinking, what is your trajectory?
It would be absurd to look at an undisciplined, headstrong, quarrelsome child, and expect them to, as an adult, walk in wisdom, graciousness, and love for others all their days. We can’t look at ongoing, negative, unchallenged patterns in our own hearts, and expect that we will grow into godly women as we age. We can’t look at unhealthy patterns in our marriages and expect that they will somehow evaporate into a delightful marriage.
One challenge for us all:
I dare us all (yes “us” — me too) to answer honestly:
- Where, if you look at the current state of affairs in each of these areas of your life and home, are they LIKELY headed?
- What does TRAJECTORY indicate about the direction of your life and home?
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A friend recently asked about battling postpartum insomnia, and I shared my thoughts with her and then decided to share them here with you, too, in case you’re facing similar concerns.
SPIRITUAL/PHYSICAL ANGLE?
I’m not saying this lightly, but have you prayed about it?
I have found, for me, that those times when I am dealing with insomnia (and yes it often happens, ironically, postpartum, at the time I need it most), that it is not only physical but spiritual.
Often we leap straight to the physical– what is happening in my physical body/chemicals/hormones, etc.? But I have found that I can *do* all the right things– soak in hot magnesium (epsom salt) baths right before bed, have regular times of intimacy, so there is plenty of physical release & a lack of tension, avoid electronics immediately before bed, not do coffee after noon, have the temperature “right,” etc., and still experience insomnia.
There is sometimes a physical cause, and so I’ve definitely had to make sure I’m doing all of the above with regularity & intentionality. But sometimes I’m doing all the physical things, and still experience lack of sleep & an increase in anxiety & fear at nighttime.
What I’ve come to believe is that this is an area where our enemy sometimes attacks us. When we lived overseas, we noticed it especially among the WOMEN. Almost every female living abroad that I knew struggled actively, or had previously struggled, with insomnia.
But the Psalms say “God gives to His beloved rest.”
So. I don’t understand how the spiritual world works. But I do believe there are unseen things happening that we sometimes overlook. And I know that prayer wages war in unseen places in a way that magnesium baths doesn’t.
As wives/mothers, we are the pivotal person in the home. If I get enough rest, things go smoothly, and it affects (now) 7 other people’s days positively. If I don’t, and everything goes to pot, meals go unmade, I’m crabby all day, on edge, grumpy, not mentally “on,” it affects 7 other people’s day for the negative.
I believe this is part of why Scripture calls us “the weaker vessel.” We are in this stage of less sleep, less physical & mental wherewithal, and simultaneously have all these people depending on us.
So anytime I notice insomnia as a pattern for me (it comes and goes), I begin praying about it. I ask Doug to pray for me before we lay down, that I would be able to fall asleep easily & stay asleep all night. We ask that I would only have good dreams and not be paralyzed by creepy/fearful ones, or even heart-pounding exciting ones. We ask that I would wake up feeling well-rested and ready for a new day.
These prayers sound simple and perhaps trite, but we pray them in faith, asking God to do it, believing that He will. And He has done it again and again. Our Father loves His children and gives good gifts. He cares for us, and made us to sleep well. So for me, when I see this as a pattern (not a one-off weird night, but an ongoing thing), I begin actively praying that God would help me to get the sleep I so desperately need, and that He would silence my mind.
MENTAL/EMOTIONAL INTAKE
I am finding (this increased over the last few months as I experienced a lot of terrifying, wake-me-up-with-heart-pounding sort of dreams with this pregnancy) that I also have to be more careful with media intake & what I read on the internet.
Anything that is remotely disturbing or frustrating, I can’t handle on my “plate” right now.
LIFE AS A BUFFET PLATE
I have started thinking of life as a buffet plate. My heavenly Father has put together a plate for me that He knows has the right portions on it. My plate has Doug, Ethan, Baxter, Maranatha, Silas, Moses, & Theo, and now this new baby on it. Also on the plate are my house, and the immediate circle of friends that He’s put in my life.
But then sometimes I’m like the kid who goes up to the buffet line and keeps adding more and more things to my “plate.” Whereas He puts what I need on there, and He knows the proper amount, my eyes can be too big for my appetite and I read a little snippet here, or an article there, decide to take on a new project, or feast my eyes on what God has put on someone else’s plate and add it to mine.
Pretty soon, my plate is overflowing and I’m looking at my plate and feeling overwhelmed and exhausted and frustrated because THERE’S NO WAY I CAN EAT ALL THIS, GOD.
And He’s sitting there, saying, “I never expected you to. I gave you the portion you could handle, and you piled all that macaroni & cheese and jello and mashed potatoes on top of the things I’d already chosen for you.”
WHAT HAS GOD PUT ON MY PLATE?
So then I have to pull back, take a good look at my plate, and ask myself, “what has God really given ME?”
Has He given me the problems of the Middle East to solve and gut-grind over?
No.
Has He given me the problems of every friend I ever had, who posts them to Facebook, so that I have to “carry” those and churn over them all day and all night?
No.
Has He given me the weight of every plane crash, tsunami, and human tragedy on the globe? No. I can pray, and in some situations perhaps give money if God leads our family to do so, but one hundred years ago, I wouldn’t even know about most of these things. Media and the internet are what try to put those things on my plate. I don’t have to consume them or let them consume me.
Has He given me the problems of every person I know in my immediate circle of friends?
Only the parts that I can do something about. Can I pray? Can I bring a meal? Do I have a word of encouragement for that person? Great. I can do that. But after doing those things, that’s what I can do. That’s the part on my “plate.” Solving everyone else’s problems is not part of the portion that God has assigned to me.
Has He tasked me with sorting out every theological and convictional question I run across that interests my mind?
No. With my husband, I can talk through those things that directly affect us, but I don’t have to figure out everything, TODAY.
So for me, especially this summer, learning what is on my “plate” and doing that faithfully and not focusing on the things that are NOT, has been beneficial (and necessary). I have to be vigilant to guard my intake, and not take on stress and heartaches that God didn’t give to ME.
I don’t know if any of that will help you but that’s what has been helping me lately as I battle insomnia and fears and feeling plagued with the problems of the world.
I’ve had to recognize that I am a weaker vessel, and guard myself with the same care I guard my children in a crowded parking lot. I am more vulnerable than I realize, and you are too, and stewarding *US* well is an important job.
Love you. And I’m praying that you did, eventually, fall asleep, and come to sleep well.
Jess
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I haven’t done a lot of links posts here on this new blog, but one of my favorite things to do (in real life and online) is to point people in the direction of wonderful resources. So, without further ado- here are links to some (EXCELLENT) Kindle books that are currently FREE:
Happy READING!
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