Grow as Homemaker Archives – Page 5 of 6 – Jess Connell

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Last week, I came across an article entitled, “15 Things You Should Never Ever Have in Your Home After Age 30.” The post gave a list of “don’ts” and offered this sage advice:

“You’re an adult now and it’s time to decorate like one.”

In case you didn’t click on the link, let me catch you up to speed: futons are out, as are hard floors without rugs, accent walls, plastic dishes, and unmade beds. As I read through the article, I couldn’t help thinking, over and over, “says WHO?”

(Also I thought, yeah, I probably should have started regularly making my bed long before now. I am a slowly-but-surely maturing homemaker and perhaps that will eventually make it onto my list of daily priorities.) 

Who has the authority to make up all of these rules,
and who among us are (even unwittingly) living by these rules?

Perhaps you see TV shows or read articles like these and feel obligated, on some level, to live within the decorating limits set by others? And if not these rules, which are you living by? Your mom’s? The ladies in your home group at church? Your best friends’? The “rules” you take in while browsing Pinterest?

We all have people who have influenced the way we keep our homes, how we decorate, how we clean, and the way we live. That is natural, but what struck me in the article is how authoritative it sounded. It’s pretty gut-punching to be told that x, y, and z aren’t any good, now that I’ve reached a particular age mark.

What if I LIKE bare wood floors without area rugs? Who says a futon is terrible? Who has the right to tell me what I should do with paint choices in my home?

And what does age have to do with it?

THE LARGER POINT: THE HAMSTER WHEEL OF MATERIALISM

What I think about, more even than these issues of preference, is the larger problem of the article: it’s not just that you SHOULDN’T have a futon anymore; it’s that you should spend money on the kinds of beds that they approve of. It’s not just that you shouldn’t have a feature wall in your dining room; it’s that you should use the approved brand name paint to redo your dining room because it’s Pantone’s color of the year.

It’s not just that you shouldn’t have a bare rug, the article also instructs us that we should spend money on the “largest area rug the room can manage,” and I’m sure they’ll also gladly tell us (in other articles and TV shows) which colors are in fashion for rugs, and why we should choose a certain pattern over another (mind you, it’ll all change in a number of years– remember just a handful of years ago, nearly every decorating show featured an “accent wall,” which apparently is now completely gauche).

This is the same spend-spend-spend mindset that keeps the Target “Home Decor” aisle in constant rotation, and US credit card accounts crescendoing with debt. 

Do you notice how easily they spend your money? Redecorating your perfectly-good rooms? Telling you which things are “in” and “out”?

The whole thrust is to accumulate more over time. By the time you’re 30, you “ought” to have accumulated enough wealth (or debt) that you can live according to their standards.

EVER-CHANGING, NEVER SATISFIED

Remember that saying, “the only thing constant is change?”

It is so easy for us as Christian women to find ourselves living inside the prison bars of the latest fashion trend, the latest color palettes, in an ever-cycling pattern of redecorating every room to look like the latest magazine pages. Is there anything wrong with liking gray, coral, and robin’s egg blue? No. But more than likely these colors will (one day) remind us all of a certain bygone era, like the 70s’ avocado and the 80s’ country blue and maroon.

As Christian women, we don’t have to avoid using this season’s “hot” colors (homely does not = holy), but what we do need to avoid is the constant chasing after the wind. If you need a new rug, buy one, and by all means, choose a color palette you love.

But let me encourage you, Sister, don’t let your affections be set on stuff. Don’t let your WORTH be tied to stuff.

Don’t train your heart to run after the empty things of this world.

As believing women in this era, we must guard our hearts against an affection for the constant acquisition of STUFF.

Because STUFF DOESN’T SATISFY. Only Christ does.

So if our couch is ratty and we have the money to buy a new one, we can freely choose the one we like, even in this year’s “must have” color (if we so desire).

But as believers, we look internally: what is happening in our hearts? 

• When I have a free moment, is my inclination to go shop online? Browse home decor stores? Look for more stuff for my already full house? Am I addicted to stuff?
• Do I buy “on trend” because it makes me feel more valuable and important to others?
• Does my thirst for stuff ever come to a satiated end? Am I ever satisfied, or am I on a hamster wheel of materialism?
• Whose say-so makes me feel like I need to follow it in order to be validated and valuable? Who makes the “rules” for me?

This week, 8 months to the day after being displaced from our home due to water damage & job loss, and after 3.5 months of searching and waiting for a house here in Washington, we’ll move into our new home. As I think of how we’ll arrange our furniture (and consider plans to, yes, at some point, buy a new floor rug), I’m trying to counsel my heart with these truths.

Above all else, I want Christ to be magnified in our home. I want there to be peace and joy and contentment in our family’s interactions. And, honestly? I’d like an attractive, thick rug that will make the bare floors palatable for family wrestling, snuggling, and dance parties.

I also want to be intentional to not enter the hamster wheel of materialism.

My goal is to buy the things we need and then move on to focus my attention on the affairs and affections of our home, rather than the appearance of it.

Image courtesy of stoonn/freedigitalphotos.net

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“[SHE] MAKES HER ARMS STRONG. SHE PUTS HER HANDS TO THE DISTAFF, AND HER HANDS HOLD THE SPINDLE. SHE OPENS HER HAND TO THE POOR . . . SHE IS NOT AFRAID OF SNOW FOR HER HOUSEHOLD, FOR ALL HER HOUSEHOLD ARE CLOTHED IN SCARLET. SHE MAKES BED COVERINGS FOR HERSELF; HER CLOTHING IS FINE LINEN AND PURPLE. . . . SHE MAKES LINEN GARMENTS AND SELLS THEM;

SHE DELIVERS SASHES TO THE

MERCHANT.”
PROVERBS 31:17-22, 24

This is where the Proverbs 31 woman can really become burdensome if you see it as some sort of cookie-cutter picture for all of us, rather than looking at the big picture of the passage as a whole.

Is this entire section prescriptive? Are we really all supposed to do all of this? While having little kids?! And the answer, friend, is “no.” But this productive, gifted lady is the sort of woman that is praised here, and so we can purposefully look at her life and learn from it.

Look at her. She’s skilled in a particular area (fabric/sewing) and she uses it to bless everyone she comes in contact with:

• The poor are blessed because she’s generous toward them.
• Her household is well-cared for, even in the coldest snow.
• She benefits from her work and does things that make her marriage bed rich and delightful (thus benefiting her husband).
• The colors and patterns she chooses are those that please her own eyes and bring cheer and vivacity to the lives of those around her.
• She’s even so skilled that she’s able to sell some of her work, and the merchants love to buy from her!

PRACTICALLY, WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?

Now, what we definitely SHOULD NOT do is take this list and go, “OK, well, I’ve gotta figure out how to use the spindle and the distaff, and definitely need to UP the frequency of purple and red in my home, and find a retailer who wants to buy handmade sashes.” (A well-known author took this passage to its literal end, donning she and her husband with red scarves. That is a trivial, demeaning way of dealing with God’s Word and it’s definitely NOT what this passage is about.)

But the overarching principle is this: God gives us all unique abilities. Whatever ability(s) God has given you, USE. Use it to HIS glory, and for the good of the people around you, as well as your own happiness. Use it to bring a previously-unseen beauty and flair to the world. Use it to produce something worth having. Use it to build up others and to bless your family. USE IT.

Are you using the skill(s) that God has given you? Are you growing in your usefulness to God and others? Are you blessing others, on purpose?

… AND YET, REMEMBER SEASONS

I started college as a vocal performance major. I played guitar and led worship for my summer jobs several years in a row. One summer’s whole salary went toward buying a Seagull guitar with a beautiful rosette and a gorgeous sound.

Do you know what I rarely do, nowadays?

Play that beautiful guitar.

And you know what’s more?

I don’t think I’m disregarding this part of Proverbs 31 by not using that skill very often during this season.

I’m a mom of little children and my life right now isn’t always conducive to having the guitar out. But I sing while I chop vegetables. And every now and then, I whip it out, tune up the strings, and sing with my family.

Not every skill will grow in the ways we anticipate when we are younger. And the learning of other skills may come out of nowhere and dominate your life for a season.

GROW AND BE FRUITFUL

Interestingly though, my best “skills” and abilities aren’t those that I would have listed back in those college days. Eight years ago, I was intensively learning hospitality and cooking from scratch (we’d moved overseas, and I could no longer rely on convenience foods to pinch hit in my weekly menu). About five years ago, I began learning to sew. I now cook and sew with far greater skill and frequency than I play the guitar.

Some new things that I think seem to be growing most in me right now are counseling and a regular dependence on God. Let GOD direct you to areas on which you can focus so that you can skillfully offer up what is productive in the lives of people around you.

Look at the lay of the land and try to discern:

What is it God seems to be doing in my life and heart right now? Is there a skill area, or a spiritual area, where He has custom-built an opportunity for growth, fruitfulness, and blessing for me?

Consider:

• What skill(s) of yours could be a blessing to the poor (poor in money and/or poor in spirit) around you?
• Is there an area of your home that needs your attention to prepare for a future season?
• Do you need to let go of guilt felt for not using an old skill that isn’t particularly useful right now?
• Is this a season where you can be amping up your skills, or is this a season where you can actually use your skills, to bless others and perhaps even bring some income? (But no guilt & no pressure! This means you, young mom who wants to tackle everything all at once!)

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One of the unique qualities of our family is this:

WE’VE DONE TRANSITION.

A LOT.

In not-quite 14 years of marriage, we’ve lived in 13 primary residences, and in 8 temporary living situations (each 1-2 months). 5 of those residences were overseas, and almost all of those moves were with children.

A number of you have asked me to write about how we’ve stayed sane and content through so many changes, especially with children. So here’s my list:

21 WAYS TO HELP YOUR FAMILY THRIVE THROUGH TRANSITION

1. Keep sleep and nutritious food a top priority for everyone. I’ve tacked up sheets over windows, used Benadryl, left my husband at the airport gate with all the kids to run to a nearby restaurant to grab lunch, taken naps with babies in airports, and packed an entire backpack of food to keep these things going well. Do whatever you need to do to get good sleep & food for everyone. These two things will contribute MASSIVELY to good attitudes and flexibility.
2. That includes you. Don’t work on unpacking late into the night instead of sleeping. Sleep. If mama ain’t sane, ain’t nobody sane. Keep mama sane.
3. Consistently discipline your children. You will be tempted to let behavior things go, but some things are never OK, no matter if you’re in the midst of transition. Screaming at mommy, hitting, pitching a fit, kicking the back of an airplane seat… these things are never OK. Take the time to discipline well. You’ll be glad you did.
4. Forgive before it’s asked for. (This will happen a LOT.) You will be happier, and avoid unnecessary bitterness, by generously forgiving your family. Your nerves are all high. Everyone’s tired. Everyone’s operating on less than a full tank. Forgive.
5. Ask forgiveness anytime there’s a hint you might need to. (You will be asking a LOT.) You’ll snap, be grumpy, lose your patience, whatever… what a great opportunity to exhibit humility and repentance to your children!
6. Start a “God list.” Write out the ways you see God at work (big and small!) and keep the list in front of your face.
7. Let non-eternal things be small. Dirty or broken dishes are still just dishes. Don’t scream over them. A spilled Sprite on the flight is frustrating, but it’s not the end of the world. Let it roll off your back.
8. Hold “normal” loosely. Don’t make an idol out of how things used to be, or how things “should” be.
9. Find a “new normal” as soon as possible, even if that “normal” shifts every few days or weeks at first. The neighborhood park you visit everyday for the first week may be one you rarely visit after you’ve lived there for a year. That’s OK. The sunshine and stress relief may be just the right thing for the early feeling of “normal.”
10. Say “yes” to opportunities for exploration. Keeping sleep and food as the top priority, take opportunities to explore new places & get to know new people.
11. Say “no” to new commitments. Don’t make any long-term promises aside from those dictated by necessity (job, keep schooling going, etc.).
12. Don’t go overboard on this one, but allow yourself & your crew to enjoy treats. (But keep sugar levels in mind for little ones… choose filling foods over sweets, and long-term satisfaction over quick-carbs).
13. Snuggle a lot. That goes for hugs. Kisses. Zurburts. Giggles. Hand-holding while you walk. Et cetera.
14. Use electronics judiciously. That is, if you use TV/electronics, be intentional about it. Some people may enjoy “zoning out” a little, but don’t let electronics be what makes you/your kids/your family “get through” this time of transition. Use devices on purpose, and turn devices off on purpose.
15. Express gratitude to God regularly. Over dinner, or on the bus ride, or while waiting for the plane, have everyone in the family list one or more things they’re thankful for. God is always at work, always pouring out His mercy on us; be sure to look for His activity!
16. Talk, talk, talk about EXPECTATIONS. Setting realistic (or even, ever-so-slightly pessimistic expectations) is a great way to set your family up for enjoyable travel and adjustment to new things. “We’ll be on the airplane for a whole day, from breakfast past bedtime! We’ll take a nap and want to get up and walk around but we won’t be able to.” — “Remember the bus windows are dirty; I don’t want you to touch them.” — “We’ll get to the hotel and figure out a spot where you can take a nap right away. You’ll lay down and go to sleep just like you do at home.” — “Everyone will be tired when we get into the taxi, but we won’t fuss or grump. It won’t be long until we get there.” Et cetera.
17. Ask good questions. Help your family verbally process through the transition. “What do you think of our new apartment?” — “Did you have fun riding the airport shuttle?” — “What was your favorite part of living in Texas?” — “What’s one thing you miss most from our old home?” — “What’s one thing you enjoy most about our new home?” Et cetera.
18. Talk about the adventure of life God has you in during this season. Not every season includes opportunities to see new things, meet new friends, etc., so take this chance to purposefully frame this as part of the adventure God custom-designed for your family.
19. Thoughtfully share what you’re feeling, but don’t complain and grump. Your children will (largely) mirror your attitude about the changes you’re facing. It helps your children to hear your favorite things in the new place, or about the people you miss from the old home. Be judicious, though. Don’t focus on criticism or complaints; but it’s OK to share genuine difficulties you’re facing (“I sure miss Nana.” — “It’s hard not being able to go outside because of the snow, isn’t it?”). The older the kids are, the more openness and transparency (hard things) they are capable of hearing. This is a chance for you to model the kind of healthy, God-honoring attitude in the midst of transition that you desire for them to have as they face challenges in life.
20. PRAY. Express yourself openly to God. Even if it’s one-sentence expressions, keep talking to God. “I’m tired. Help me,” may be all you can muster, but it’s enough, and it keeps your soul turning to the One who can truly help you through the transition.
21. Remember, “It won’t always be this way.” It truly won’t. A new normal will come. Give yourself grace. Press on. Don’t be discouraged by crummy days. They come to us all. Do what you can do and keep plodding along.

If you’ve got more ideas for thriving through transition, especially to help children adjust well, PLEASE ADD THEM IN THE COMMENTS!

Image courtesy of nokhoog_buchachon/freedigitalphotos.net

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“She considers a field and buys it;
with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard. She dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong. . . . She makes linen garments and sells them;

she delivers sashes to the merchant.”

Proverbs 31: 16-18, 24

As we discuss this passage, keep in mind that it is a big-picture view of a praiseworthy woman’s heart and life. Her husband is looking at the blessing she’s been over their lives. So while this passage is not prescriptive for us, it is describing a praiseworthy woman of God, and therefore, merits our respect and study. 

VERSE 16: SHE CONSIDERS A FIELD AND BUYS IT; WITH THE FRUIT OF HER HANDS SHE PLANTS A VINEYARD.

Her prudence and resourcefulness is highlighted here. She “considers” the field. She’s not out doing “retail therapy,” buying things just to buy them. This gal’s goal is fruitfulness. Life. Benefit. After considering the field carefully, she buys it.

And with “the fruit of her hands,” which probably refers to the earnings from the things she had hand-made (remember her willing hands?), she’s able to plant a vineyard. No one plants a vineyard today, and enjoys grape jelly tomorrow. This act of planting is an investment. Her eye is toward fruitfulness, life, and what will have long-term benefit.

She is not just looking to today– today’s outfit, today’s meal, today’s problems. She is planning for the future, planting fruit that will not be eaten in a short amount of time. Her eyes range over the short- and long-term of life, and her hands and resources and mental acumen are all devoted to what will be fruitful in the long haul. 

She’s also not letting her resources sit without usefulness. She buys the field, and then plants the vineyard, so that the fruit can be enjoyed sooner than if she waited.

She views her life as an investor, rather than as a consumer.

In your planning and work in your home, are you diligent to consider the long-term effects of your attitudes and actions? What is the likely outcome of the choices you are currently making? Are you prodding your family Godward, or toward a focus on sports, appearance, money, fame, and/or pleasure? In your parenting, the meals you serve, the way you talk to your husband, the commitments you make as a family, what fruit can you anticipate? Do you have a consumer mindset, or an investment mindset?

VERSE 17: SHE DRESSES HERSELF WITH STRENGTH AND MAKES HER ARMS STRONG.

This woman’s no weenie. She’s not at home because she can’t do anything else, and isn’t focused on her family because she’s an intellectual imbecile. No- she is strong and capable. Notice: she “makes her arms strong.”

This is something she works at. She increases in strength and capability, on purpose.

Are you growing in strength? Increasing in your ability to wisely parent your children? Pursuing a stronger marriage? Are you growing in your strength as a woman? How is your physical stamina? Are you pursuing strength and health so that you can continue being a blessing to your family?

VERSE 24: SHE MAKES LINEN GARMENTS AND SELLS THEM; SHE DELIVERS SASHES TO THE MERCHANT. 

This is the “fruit of her hands” that verses 13, 16, and 31 refer to. She’s perpetually blessing her family and working at producing things that are valuable to others. She is not focused on “me-time.” Her skills are not used for self-gain (although the passage clearly shows that she benefits from using them). Her skills bless others. They are willing to pay for the items she produces, and she makes a profit.

Her hard work eventually pays off, in wisdom, growth, but also in financial provision for her family.

Are you diligent to do what will bless your family? Do you actively seek to grow in skill and ability? Are you using your God-given skills to provide value and benefit to others? 

CONSIDER:

• What is one area where you have neglected the long-term view for your own short-term ease? How can you correct that today?
• Is there an area in your daily life where you need to grow stronger, so that you are more capable to meet the demands on you?
• Not every woman has access to learn and do every skill, but look at your real life. What skills has God given you? And what skills could you reasonably seek growth in over this next season of life?

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“She seeks wool and flax, and works with willing hands. She is like the ships of the merchant; she brings her food from afar. She rises while it is yet night and provides food for her household and portions for her maidens. . . . She looks well to the ways of her household

and does not eat the bread of idleness.”

Proverbs 31:13-15, 27

VERSE 13: SHE SEEKS WOOL AND FLAX, AND WORKS WITH WILLING HANDS.

The artistry and skill of making an outfit has become just an optional college major. Nowadays, fashion design is thought of more in the realm of celebrity TV shows than in real life.

But in the time of Solomon, this was daily life for any woman. After seeking and gathering wool and flax, there was work to be done. The fibers had to be spun into yarn and then the yarn woven or stitched into fabric. Any artistry applied to make it more lovely or palatable increased its value and meaning (think of Joseph’s coat).

But HOW DOES THIS APPLY TO US TODAY? Are we all supposed to major in fashion design, or own spinning wheels and sewing machines?

The principle here is found in the last phrase: she “works with willing hands.” This woman is a worker; her hands willingly move to the task.

So if I want to take this overarching picture and apply its principles to my life then I should consider this: whatever the task is before me-– dinner, fixing a button, helping a child learn something in school, greeting people at church, folding laundry, editing a publication, or shopping for needed supplies– I am to do it “with willing hands.” That reminds me of Philippians 2, where we are told to “do all things without grumbling.”

Are you slow to move to the tasks God has put on your plate? Do you give a grudging obedience? Or could it be said of you that you “work with willing hands?”

VERSE 14: “SHE IS LIKE THE SHIPS OF THE MERCHANT; SHE BRINGS HER FOOD FROM AFAR.”

Merchant ships, even in the days of Proverbs & Solomon, brought spices and treats from faraway places. Consider what it would be like, to have always eaten lamb, rice, salty & savory dishes, and then have someone bring you a juicy, sweet pear grown in a distant land.

This woman pulls together a variety of elements to intentionally prepare nourishing meals for her family. Her efforts bless those around her. She may also “bring her food from afar” if it helps stretch the family budget. A couple weeks ago, two friends took me to some discount grocery stores in our area so that I can provide better quality food for our family, for less money than I’d spend at the normal grocery store. It takes a little more time and planning (because it’s farther away), but it’s worth it. Some people use a discount warehouse, or Amazon, in this way.

One commentator gave this verse a spiritual application. He said this sort of woman listens carefully and saves up spiritual truths “from far off,” so that she may be ready to apply them to her family & friends’ needs as they arise.

Are you intentional about the things you bring to your family? With spiritual and physical food, do you work hard to put valuable, good things in front of them, so that they might grow up strong?

VERSE 15: SHE RISES WHILE IT IS YET NIGHT AND PROVIDES FOOD FOR HER HOUSEHOLD AND PORTIONS FOR HER MAIDENS.

This gal’s not lazy. One Proverb talks about the lazy man turning over and over again in his bed. “How long will you lay there?” is a question that doesn’t have to be asked of this woman.

Now, without justifying laziness, I want to point out what I did in the first installment of this series– I believer this passage is a look at a woman’s whole life, not a snapshot of her homemaking perfection in the throes of being a mom of little ones or something.

This is not saying that it’s wrong to sleep in, or that we all need to have 5am quiet times, or that a biblical breakfast is one you have to wake up early to prepare. This is not saying that you are wrong to sleep in when you’ve been up half the night nursing your newborn.

That said, when needful, this woman chooses providing for her family and the people she’s responsible for OVER her own sleep.

I want to be careful here, because I think sleep is something that gets the short end of the stick in our current parenting culture. Too many moms are running around declaring strong feelings about “nighttime parenting” (which oftentimes means getting up however many times the child wants), but these same women are nearing the very end of their rope. The child and mom are both high-strung and seeking all sorts of medical help that could perhaps be mostly (if not entirely) alleviated by stringing together a good number of restful nights in a row.

This verse is not glorifying a lack of adequate sleep.

The big picture is important here. This is not saying, “sleep is unimportant, mama. Take the hit for your family anytime anybody makes a peep.” I believe this is saying, “This is a woman who prioritizes others. She cares for them and sees to their needs, even when it costs her. She makes sure everyone in her care has the essential things.”

VERSE 27: “SHE LOOKS WELL TO THE WAYS OF HER HOUSEHOLD AND DOES NOT EAT THE BREAD OF IDLENESS.”

This woman pays attention to the things going on in her household. She notices when someone’s having a growth spurt and needs an extra portion at dinner (or longer pants!). When she repeatedly sees that shoes pile up near a particular doorway, she places a basket there so they can be collected and not strewn in every direction. If her husband works the nightshift, she may adjust her family’s schedule to best suit that unique dynamic. She’s tuned into the “ways” of her household. 

Are you paying attention to the “ways” of your home? Do you need to address things in your home that you are lazily overlooking? If your husband overlooked things in his job the way you do in your home, would he get a paycheck & promotions, or get fired?

I believe this last part — “does not eat the bread of idleness” — has a spiritual application. Are we satisfied with the “bread” we have learned in previous times of spiritual growth, or are we continually looking to God’s Word so that we can grow?

Are you spiritually “idling”, sitting still with old lessons learned and old gems mined from the Scriptures? Or are you actively working to glean new spiritual food so that you can better nourish yourself and others? 

Also note: the way that she looks to the ways of her household is connected with her lack of idleness. It’s not mere *busyness* that she’s busy with… her busyness is for the benefit of her family and the function of the household.

If lazy, are there areas where you need to work more diligently to bless those who live in your home? If busy, are your activities focused on benefiting your household, or are you just busy with commitments and activities that take you away from the home?

CONSIDER:

• In what area of your life do you need to learn to joyfully “work with willing hands?”
• Could you stretch your family budget more by “bringing food from afar?”
• Do you see to the needs of your family, even forsaking sleep if need be, in order to care for them?
• Do a mental walk-through of your house, taking note of the “ways” of your household. Are there things in your home that need your attention and problem-solving, so that they function more efficiently or beneficially for your family?
• What commitments and obligations keep you busy? Do you need to cut some out, so that your activity is truly benefitting those who are in your household?
• What kind of commitment do you have to the Word of God? Have you been spiritually stalling and “eating the bread of idleness?” How will you prioritize this goal of mining fresh truth and encouragement from Scripture?

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An excellent wife who can find?
    She is far more precious than jewels.
The heart of her husband trusts in her,
    and he will have no lack of gain.
She does him good, and not harm,
    

all the days of her life. … Her husband is known in the gates

when he sits among the elders of the land.

Proverbs 31:10-12, 23

Excellent. Precious. Trusted. Good-doer. What a rich description of a godly woman.

The Proverbs 31 woman has taken her share of beatings lately. I’ve winced as I’ve read the comments across the web/blogosphere. “I’m sick of hearing about Proverbs 31! No more women’s Bible studies on that chapter please!” But the truth is: this chapter is relevant, applicable right in our daily lives, and provides a great challenge.

Proverbs 31 provides a model of what a life well-lived could look like. This is not a snapshot of a young mom “doing it all”/”having it all”. It’s descriptive, rather than prescriptive. This is a life-in-review chapter that describes what a God-fearing woman is and does (over the long-haul) for the family God has given her and the people around her.

Rather than seeing it as a guilt-producing chapter, this could be a clarion call to point to some areas where God can bring about growth in our lives.

Over the next weeks, I’m going to take these 22 verses in batches so we can look at them by subject matter. Today’s batch is about marriage.

VERSE 10: AN EXCELLENT WIFE WHO CAN FIND? SHE IS FAR MORE PRECIOUS THAN JEWELS.

A good wife benefits a man in ways that are far more valuable than physical money or treasure. Even science bears this out– one of the biggest factors in predicting a man’s life expectancy, health, and financial stability is whether he gets married or not.

One challenge for us is that qualifying word: EXCELLENT.

When I read that, I think: what would *MY* husband describe as “excellent”? Those are the things I should focus on. I could spend all day long organizing closets or keeping our photos and DVDS categorized and in order, but if the main thing he cares about is having something warm and hearty to eat after a long day at work, and that’s the thing I overlook, then all my organizing is (more or less) in vain.

What would your husband describe as “excellent”?

VERSE 11: THE HEART OF HER HUSBAND TRUSTS IN HER, AND HE WILL HAVE NO LACK OF GAIN.

This is a sticking point in many marriages. A wife who overspends, who manipulates situations to make things look better (or worse) than they actually are, a wife who never has things the way he wants them, or who is critical of her husband in public… these are wives whose husbands do NOT “trust in her.” The opposite-of-Proverbs-31 wife sneaks, lies, deceives, manipulates, or finds fault. Ultimately, she is not dependable and her husband knows it. 

In sharp contrast to this, the husband of the excellent wife in Proverbs trusts her implicitly.

Does your husband have reason to trust in you? Are you dependable and trustworthy?”

Then it goes on: “He will have no lack of gain.” Rather than being a drain on his mind and resources, the excellent wife is “gain” to her husband. Through her, Lord willing, God will give him children. Through her, his house is made into a home. Through her wisdom, creativity, and frugality, the income stretches. Through her insight and wisdom, his boyish ways grow into those of a mature, godly man.

Do you bring your husband “gain”? Are you growing in your ability to make your budget stretch? Do you bring wise counsel that helps him to grow and think about issues in his life and heart? 

VERSE 12: “SHE DOES HIM GOOD, AND NOT HARM, ALL THE DAYS OF HER LIFE.”

When we think back to bad influences in our lives, we think about those who bring out the worst in us… those who led us into sin. The excellent wife in Proverbs 31 is clearly the opposite: all her days, she is doing her husband GOOD. It even spells out: “and not harm.” Her aim is to be a blessing, and never a curse, to her husband.

Do you have this tenacious desire to be a blessing to your husband? When you get to pick, what movies and shows are you putting in front of the eyes of your husband? Movies that inspires lust, or godliness? TV shows that demean men, or encourage them toward strength & courage? Does your conversation build up and move him Godward, or is your conversation base, shallow, and prodding you both closer to self, closer to flesh, closer to sin?

NOTE that this says “she does him good, and not harm, ALL THE DAYS OF HER LIFE.”

Each day, we can renew our commitment to being a blessing to our husbands. This is not something that’s “one and done”; it requires perseverance. And if it’s something that’s a new idea to you, it’s something you can begin today.

VERSE 23: HER HUSBAND IS KNOWN IN THE GATES WHEN HE SITS AMONG THE ELDERS OF THE LAND.

This seems jarring to our modern sensibilities. If this passage is all about her and her greatness, why does it jump, in the middle of the passage (seemingly out of nowhere!), to her husband?

It’s because her husband’s honor is an honor to her. Consider the disgrace one spouse can bring upon another. I don’t have to name names, but we can all think of public figures who have been publicly humiliated by their husband or wife’s behavior.

Biblically, a man who has been appointed as an elder is a man who cherishes and nourishes his wife, has been faithful to her, and leads his home well. This sort of man is an honor to his wife.

Perhaps you think, “well, my husband’s no respected elder.” Maybe he’s out of work. Maybe your guy’s a young gun. Maybe he’s a big fat sinner, like me and you, and has wounded you deeply. Whatever he is, and whatever he does, look for ways to honor and encourage him. Speaking from my own experience (of marrying a quiet unassuming guy who barely said a word, who is now a friendly pastor, involved in people’s lives), you may be quite surprised at what he’ll become if you honor him for what you see in him NOW, and encourage (not nag!) him toward godliness and growth.

Do you take joy in the honor of your husband? When was the last time he heard from you that you are proud of the man he is and the work he does?

Consider:

• What is one way you can grow in being an “excellent wife” to YOUR husband today?
• How can your husband gain, or benefit, from your actions or words today?
• Is there an area where you can stop ‘doing harm’ to your husband today? 
• When will you take an opportunity to encourage your husband and let him know that you are proud to be his wife?

CLICK TO READ PART TWO: AN EAGER WORKER

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My husband lost his job at our home church, last November. He applied for a number of positions, mostly in TX, and one in WA. It was, and is, one of the more difficult seasons of life that we’ve walked through. Months of hanging on to the Lord in what felt like a swirling vortex.

It was rough. And God was good.

The church in WA (that ultimately hired Doug) flew us up for a ten-day interview/”trial” period, so that we could get to know the church and they could get to know us, and all of us could be much more clear (at the end of that time) on who/what we were getting into, before we or they “committed.” I loved the approach– so different from what I’ve often seen in pastoral search situations: a whirlwind weekend of flurried activities & little-to-none authentic relational connection.

After we came back, we had to pack up our house while waiting to hear back about whether or not he’d be offered the position. Either way, whether we got the offer or not, we knew we’d have to move (either to WA, or to a downsized place in Dallas).

To be honest, I had mixed feelings.

I loved that house— near family, useful to the Body, with so much built-in fun for us as a family. It was such a perfect expression of God’s grace toward us.

I’ve shared before how I think feelings about earthly homes translate to what our longing for and joy in Heaven should be like.

Let me share with you the first prayer written in my journal, after our return to TX after that 10-day interview process (and parts of it are just my raw heart but I want you to see the truth about where I was, and not mask the ugly parts). I forced my hand to begin listing out thanks when I really wanted to grump & throw a fit:

“Father, I am still such an easily-angered, headachy mess. Thank You for this house.

• all 4 bedrooms
• all 3 bathrooms
• the office
• the sunroom
• the large living & dining areas
• the beautiful kitchen with the corner window box
• the large laundry room
• his & hers closets
• the pool & cabana area– pleasant in all seasons (even in the winter sun!)
• the yard & firepit– the tire swing Doug built and the jungle gym that was Mike’s [Doug’s dad]
• the workshop where so much fun has been had & the chicken coop built
• the “junkyard” where the chickens have resided
• the attic that has held our children’s clothes
• the care groups we’ve hosted
• the friends who’ve come to swim
• the football games enjoyed in the front yard
• the kids’ enjoyment of the yard, the fort with the spiral stairs, the junkyard, the “secret-cut-through behind the fence
• the front garden beds

There is so much I love about this home. I trust You. I *know* You know best. You’ve given us everything good– always what is best for every season.

You are good & I trust You. I trust You to give us the best WA home– and that ultimately in Heaven I will be delighted by You alone,
— having been stripped of earthly idols.

I feel Your stripping away now- of the idols & earthly ties. And I need it and value it, even though it is immensely painful.”

God is so good to strip away the cravings of our flesh & our love for earthly things— even when they are pried from our grasp, or it feels like the rug has been pulled out from under us. His heart for us is GOOD, and we can rest in that, even when everything else is swirling & uncertain.

One of the things I have prayed for our family and our children is that we would value people over things, and that we would hold our “things” loosely (including homes). So then, I have to welcome even the difficulty of “losing” a house that we loved.

[And with that, permit me a brief rabbit trail: DO I THINK GOD “OWED” US A NICE HOUSE? Not at all. In fact, for the whole time we lived there, even right up to the last moments I spent there, I felt like it was ALL GRACE. I remember my sweet believing friends in Turkmenistan who are under constant threat of persecution. I remember Chinese believers meeting quietly in small apartments and baptizing new believers in tiny tubs in crowded bathrooms. I remember the poor and the rich and the well-provided for and the financially-struggling friends and family members that I’ve had and call to mind that God is good amidst it all.]

He is GOOD IN EVERY circumstance. 

So then, I can praise Him and be content with “much” when He provides it.

WHICH brings me to today.

After about a week here, our realtor drove in front of a beautiful house near the church and said she thought it would be perfect and was about to go on the market. I told her it was excessively out of our price range. So that was that. Or so I thought.

A week later, when we upped our budget by quite a bit (it takes a while to get used to WA prices after being in TX) I asked to see it.

A short walking distance to our church, with a double city lot, it is precious and enjoyable in every way (and more) that I could have asked for. Like each of our previous homes, it is a picture of GRACE. 

We signed the papers for it this last weekend.

God has just done it again. Blown my mind with His goodness and care for us.

He would still be GOOD if she hadn’t accepted our offer. He would still be GOOD if we had ended up in the smaller home a 15-minute-drive away that we thought we’d be getting less than a week before we made an offer on this one. He would still be GOOD if we’d had to pause our house search and ended up renting an apartment. He’d still be GOOD if we had ended up on food stamps in a downsized house in Dallas. He’d still be GOOD if Doug was still looking for work and we were still hanging out on a limb in limbo. He will be GOOD if somehow this contract fails and we don’t get this house.

But today, from my vantage spot– the place where His sovereign hand has brought us– I am utterly overwhelmed by His grace. I want to praise Him for His good gift to us. My praises are flying heavenward for all that He has done to teach me through these (relatively) temporary, earthly homes. My home is in Heaven, and until then, I get to learn about “home” through these earthly provisions He gives.

This weekend, in the midst of Easter thoughts, it was so very clear to me:

God shines brilliant through the muckiest muck. Crucifixion, then Resurrection. What looks bleak is made beautiful in His time.

LET ME ENCOURAGE YOU:

• PRAISE GOD IN THE MIDST OF THE MUCK.-– Force your heart, your lips, and/or your pen to list out the good things of your hard time. I know it’s not easy. OH, I know it. You saw the journal entry– I was migrainey and frustrated and heartbroken. But as I began to list out all of the good things, my heart began changing and praising Him became easier.
• WHEN YOU ARE HURTING, TAKE HOPE FROM OUR REDEEMING GOD.–  At the Cross, in Jesus, we can find real & lasting hope. What seemed final and senseless– Christ’s DEATH– was redeemed by the Father. Our hope is in the resurrecting God who redeems the things that seems most tragic, most confusing, most hurtful, most jarring. When no man could make good out of a situation, God can.

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Psalm 23 has come up in various places in my life lately… you know how God does that? Sometimes He brings something to your face in various ways all at roughly the same time.

Quick story:

Last week, we thought we’d found a potential house for our family. It was an old church that had been converted to a daycare. It had the good bones of the old church, but some of the daycare decor that would actually work for our family (like a huge wall grid for sorting laundry & stashing games in the laundry room right off of the family room). It would have been majorly cool. And a great size for our family. With some acreage (and a view of the Columbia RIVER–ACK!). But it didn’t work out. The more we looked at it, the more obvious it was that the potential cost for renovation was too close to the line for us to take the plunge.

That afternoon, I told my nearly-8-year-old daughter that it was a good day for a nap. But the protests were fierce. “I don’t NEED one! I don’t want a nap! I’m not a baby. I’m not even tired.” On and on they went.

But I know my daughter.

All the signs were there, and we’d been ultra-busy & up later than usual the previous few nights. So I insisted. I told her to trust her mama who knows what she needs. In not much time at all, she was asleep. And even with a mid-nap interruption that woke her up, she took over a two-hour nap.

She CLEARLY needed the rest.

It made me think of the house and the decision not to buy it. Perhaps God is keeping me from taking on more than I can handle. He is making me lie down and rest and not buy that house (and all the associated energy-sucking work that would come with it). 

God knows what I need better than I do. He is my Father who knows me better than I know myself.

He knows when I need rest. He knows when I would take on more than I should. He also (conversely) knows when I can do more than I am.

He knows me. I can trust Him. 

Though I would take on more than I should… Though I would lie to myself and say “I can do it”… Though I might kick and scream and say, “I don’t need to rest!”

Though I might be convinced, “God built me strong” (which… yes, I used to say)

He knows me better than I know myself. He is my Shepherd, and He faithfully, lovingly cares for my soul with a long-term view for His GLORY and my GOOD.

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.

(from Psalm 23)

The Psalmist said, “He makes me lie down…” And sometimes, that’s exactly what He does. I don’t know if I’m moving into a season of more rest, and less running around. But sometimes our Shepherd makes us lie down, even at times when we would choose to be “up” and “doing.”

But I know this: if He makes me lie down, it will be for my good and for His glory. 

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I exited Wal-Mart into the bright of day, still stunned by our conversation. The cashier and I had moved one another to tears:

“I left L.A. years ago,” she told me. “Never thought I’d stay here. All my family’s there. I’ve only got my husband here in Texas.” Her smile was strained as she typed in 4-digit codes for fruit. “I miss them so much… I go as often as I can.”

I nodded sympathetically. Of course, she had no idea that I’m preparing to leave *my* L.A.. “Once you leave, you never stop missing it.”

She spoke of the warmth of the beach and the warmth of her family.

I shared with her the only thing I had to give– the things I’d learned in my own experiences of missing home. “It’s tough. But you know, I’ve come to believe that those things– home and family– bring feelings that God means for us to feel. I think He wants us to ultimately realize: our TRUE Home is Heaven. Our true family is the family of God.”

Her eyes widened, and a look of calm overtook her face. She met my gaze. “I think He sent you here to tell me that. I needed to hear that today.” Her smile cracked, and she wiped the corner of her eye. “Look at that, you’ve got me crying.”

My eyes were filled with tears, too, as I smiled. “It’s hard. He’s built into us that wonderful feeling of ‘home.’ But I think we’re ultimately meant to feel that way about Heaven.”

“You’re right. Thank you. That was JUST what I needed to hear today.”

As I walked away, I knew the conversation was meant for me, too.

In our brief exchange, I hadn’t shared that *I’m* about to leave home… again. And it’s never easy. There’s always a piece of us that longs for that warm and “ahhhh” feeling that comes from the landscape, the roads, the familiar faces, the friendly accent– the feeling of home.

But because God tells me that Heaven is my home, the challenge for me is to intentionally let those feelings I possess for the big sky and big hearts of Texas reflect onto the beauty and love I’ll one day know in Heaven… to let my love and longing for this temporary home fuel and (to a vastly greater degree) enlarge my love and longing for my eternal Home. 

Ultimately, my words to the cashier were a challenge for my own heart, too.

Consider some of the feelings different people have, in regard to this idea of “home”:

• the ache we feel as we leave the place that’s always been “home”
• (especially as women) the internal drive we have to prepare & nest in our “homes”
• the sometimes life-long loss & bitterness a person feels if “home” has been a confusing or hurtful place
• the sense of “home” in the life of an orphan or refugee is a place always longed-for, but never realized
• how the activities of home are the center of our lives
• the hurrying we feel to make a new house, apartment, or temporary living situation, into a restful, welcoming place
• anticipation and joy at returning “home” after a long time away
• the unsettledness that we feel in other places
• the way we love to make our homes reflect “us”
• the “ahhhhh” feeling that comes with being at home

I’m sure you can think of other instinctive, strong feelings associated with the idea of home.

Each culture, family, life experience, and personality puts their own spin on it, but each in its own way can point us, ultimately, heavenward. Each sensation gives us a glimpse of the delight we’re meant to have in our final HOME. Each facet of this idea of “home” sheds light on what Heaven will one day BE.

The RIGHT feelings–

• the way we feel at ease and relaxed in a place
• the comfort of being with people who love us unconditionally
• the wonder and beauty of God’s creation
• the joy of being with the ones who know us best, and with whom we can be ourselves
• being in a place that suits us, that feels like it was made for us

— give us a glimpse of some of the joys we’ll experience in Heaven.

And even the negative ones that many of us carry in regard to the idea of home–

• feeling uneasy because things weren’t done right
• the sense that we don’t belong
• the idea that things here on earth are broken and hurtful
• the embarrassment that can come from living among people who know all your past mistakes and sin
• the sorrow from missing a place we love

— can point us heavenward and make us long even more for that perfect “home” that will make right what has been broken and hurtful here on earth.

The more “homes” I’ve had, the more homes I’ve packed up and settled into, the more clearly I see the beauty of this. God has given us an internal sense of “home”, pointing us heavenward, making us long more and more for that great place.

• What feelings are evoked in your heart when you hear the word “home”?
• How can/how do those feelings point you heavenward?

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In King David’s day, it went like this:

“Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God.” ~Psalm 20:7

What are our modern American “chariots?” What do we trust in? I have some ideas. Scan them and see if any of them strike a nerve for you, and then add your own in the comments.

FINANCIALLY:

• Some trust in bank balances and some in 401(k)s…
• Some trust in two incomes and some in having the right degree…
• Some trust in their husband and some in themselves…
• Some trust in a the housing market, and some in the economy…

FOR PARENTING OUR CHILDREN:

• Some trust in public school, some in Christian private school, and some in homeschooling…
• Some trust in Babywise, and some in Attachment parenting…
• Some trust in spanking, and some in time-outs…
• Some trust in unschooling and some in hyperscheduled kids…
• Some trust in academics and some in extracurriculars…
• Some trust in vaccines and some in a lack of vaccines…

FOR HOMESCHOOL MOMS:

• Some trust in Sonlight and some in Abeka…
• Some trust in co-ops and some in isolation…
• Some trust in sheltering and some in wide exposure…
• Some trust in smart children and some in obedient children…

FOR WIVES:

• Some trust in a strong husband and some in a strong paycheck…
• Some trust in personal appearance and some in sexual intimacy…
• Some trust in manipulation and some trust in their children…

FOR OUR HAPPINESS:

• Some trust in OCD cleaning and some in Better Homes & Gardens rooms…
• Some trust in frugality and some in “retail therapy”…
• Some trust in gifts and some in “me-time”…

Want to write some more that you see around you? Please share in the comments.

Let me challenge you- don’t just attack the things that are “over there” in HER home. Look at your own heart too.

What are you tempted to place your trust in?

Can you think of something specific (other than God) that you’ve recently been tempted to trust in?

Instead, counsel your heart: “but we trust in the name of the LORD, our God.“

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