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At this point in life, I’m fairly convinced I should walk around with caution tape wrapped around me as a visible symbol to everyone I encounter:

WARNING, WARNING, WARNING… DO NOT GO INTO THIS CONVERSATION WITH GREAT EXPECTATIONS. IN FACT, LET’S JUST DIAL THOSE EXPECTATIONS BACK TO A FLAT ZERO AND THEN I MIGHT– possibly– HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO IMPRESS YOU, OR AT THE VERY LEAST, MEET YOUR EXPECTATIONS. 

THE WOMAN YOU ARE ABOUT TO ENGAGE IS EXTREMELY TIRED. SHE MAY MAKE CONVERSATIONAL TOPIC LEAPS THAT MAKE SENSE IN HER TIRED BRAIN BUT APPEAR NONSENSICAL TO YOU. SHE IS TALKED OUT AND TOUCHED OUT, AND HAS ABOUT 1.25 mL OF “EXTRA” TO GIVE OVER THE COURSE OF A WEEK (WHICH, CHANCES ARE, SHE HAS ALREADY DOLED OUT). APPROACH WITH GRACE AND CAUTION.“

I am extremely blessed and thankful for my family, and wouldn’t trade them for anything.  Nonetheless, speaking truthfully, I have never felt so taxed as I have this last five-year period of my life.

Granted, there are six kids running around my house, all of whom I birthed, one of whom I birthed in this very home, ten months ago. We homeschool and have moved five times (once transatlantic) in the last five years.

You may be thinking, “Duh, Captain Obvious. Of course you’re taxed!”

I can identify with Sally Clarksonwhen she writes, “I was living a life of ideals that most of my old friends didn’t believe in and few understood, so often loneliness and lack of support were my companions.”

Though I feel alone and often feel unsupported, I’m not really alone. I think this is a particular “flash point” for homeschooling moms, for stay-home-moms of all little ones, and for anyone who goes about life with non-stop responsibilities without the “release” valve regularly being pushed.

ALWAYS ON

Because I’m always “on,” I find many of these things to be true:

  • I’m not acting like “myself” lately. Or, at least not the “self” I’ve always known. Even though I’m an extrovert, I *act* like an introvert at times when I’m out in public. (Not always, but often.  Especially for a pretty strong extrovert like me, it surprises me how little I sometimes connect when I’m out in public.) I’m not a good conversation buddy right now. My mom and I discovered this recently. She’s an introvert, but is currently on medical leave from her job. Consequently, she gets oodles of time by herself, and she’s acting quite extroverted right now. I, on the other hand, have a house full of people all the time, who talk to me all the time… and I’m acting introverted much of the time. We both get so much of what is our typical “need” met that at this time, we feel greater need for the opposite, in order to balance out our lives.  I have had to choose to be comfortable in my own “skin,” even when it feels different than it used to.
  • It takes me a while to warm up in a crowd. Whereas I used to jump into social events ready to engage, it takes me a good 30-60 minutes after leaving our full-of-life home to mentally shift to engaging with others, and even then I often do a shoddy job of social interaction.  I am growing to accept this about myself, for this season.
  • When I *do* manage conversation in public, I often get home and find as I reanalyze the conversation that I completely misunderstood someone’s meaning, or that the comment I made was unrelated to the topic at hand but somehow in my brain it made sense at the time. I don’t want to overstate this as if I’m some mumbling idiot, but more often than I used to, I find that my mouth has fumbled through a conversationand I realize it after the fact.
  • I am having to ask forgiveness from people way more often than I used to. My brain is more tired, and my body is more tired. I don’t know if it’s that I’m sinning more, or more aware of my sin… but either way, I am being regularly humbled. That stings, but I know that this too is for my good.
  • I forget to do things that used to be natural to me, in relationship. For example, I forget to follow-up about something going on in a friend’s life. In fact, sometimes my plate is so full I completely forget about an event/situation in someone else’s life. (Two weeks ago, I forgot that a friend’s dad had had a stroke until after I’d spoken to her at church. *Headslap!*)  Grace, grace… I need it so badly.

PREOCCUPIED, CONSTANTLY: WHEN THE MIND IS FULL

Years ago, a mentor of mine shared that a woman (who she’d gone to church with for a decade or more) approached her with this question: “Have I done something to offend you?”  

My friend shook her head, and answered back that she had not, asking, “Why?  Have I acted offended to you?”

The woman looked down, unsure but clearly wounded, “For years I have passed you in the halls and you always have a glassy look in your eyes, looking down as you walk, like you’re deliberately avoiding looking at me.  What have I done?”

My friend (a busy mom with a large family) explained, “I’m so sorry! I can’t believe it’s gone on this long and you’ve thought I was avoiding you. When you see me running back and forth, glassy-eyed, to the nursery or to go make copies for my husband or whatever, I am mentally running through the things I have to do, the kid I need to pick up, the diaper bag I forgot in the car, the conversation I had with my preteen on the way here, the fact that I only put eyeliner on one eye, or whatever. I have absolutely not one thing against you. It just makes me sad that it took this long for me to clear it up.”

I think back to that sometimes, and it gives me comfort. Sometimes we all have times where we are off our game. She was in a season.  I am in a season too.  Seasons are for a time, and then they pass and give way to something new.

HOW I HANDLE IT IN THE HERE AND NOW

Well, obviously I don’t handle it super-well. I’m not holding myself up as some sort of soul care guru, who has mastered the art of social interaction whilst feeling overwhelmed.

I still feel mentally preoccupied, physically touched-out, and emotionally like I have nothing much to offer, a good portion of the time. I’m still me in my head and heart, but I’m afraid that if I was to evaluate myself objectively, watching a camera reel of my social interactions with others, I would probably see a lot of holes, and what I see most likely wouldn’t resemble much of the woman I am in my heart and head.

Wrapping myself in caution tape as a visual cue to everyone I meet might not be THAT bad of an idea.But here are some ways I have handled it:

  1. Stay in Scripture. I haven’t done this one enough lately, and I am actively working on it. But when I’m in scripture, I am refueling spiritually, and God is faithful to teach us what we need for a given time in our lives. So even if I feel physically or emotionally depleted, my spiritual tank is full and I’m walking in the Spirit.
  2. Remind myself of this (temporary) new normal. Before I go to an event, particularly if it’s one I’ve been looking forward to, I have to dial back my expectations of myself. I used to be able to go to a church fellowship, for example, and successfully touch base with a lot of people, and walk away recharged. Now, I’m more likely to get one conversation in, and later realize I said or did something awkward. Or sometimes I get to the end of the event and realize I only interacted at surface level and wish I would have gone deeper. If I have lofty expectations of myself, I’ll walk away disappointed that I didn’t get to connect with people, when in reality, I did the best I could in the moment.
  3. My husband reminds me. I’m thankful that Doug is good at reminding me of this- he’ll say, “Sit by someone like ______, ______, or ______ (suggesting close friends)– take advantage of this time with them.  Have a good time!” I so appreciate those reminders because sometimes the mental fog really doesn’t let me “go there” until after the fact.
  4. Occasionally, remind others. I have been known to say things like, “I’m sorry, but I’m not very good for having a real conversation while my kids are running around on Sunday morning.  You’re welcome to come by and chat during their naptime from 2-4 sometime this week.”  Or if I feel eyes on me as I’m glazing over, walking to the nursery, I’ll meet their gaze and say, “Oh! I’m in my own little world. Sorry about that! How are you?”
  5. Ask for time when you need it. Sally Clarkson tweeted yesterday, “Be assertive and tell your husband your needs. He is there to do life with you.” YES!!! I’m thankful for a husband who tries to care for me. Still, he’s not a mind-reader. We both have to work extra for me to get some time “off,” but it’s worth it, so we’re learning to plan for it.
  6. Use recharge opportunities wisely.  When Doug makes a point to give me some time to myself, or when the opportunity comes to get together with friends, I try to be extremely selective about what I “spend” myself on.  I have less “extra” to spend than I used to have, so I have to be much more thoughtful about where it will go.  Lord willing, the day will come when the kids will be out of the house and I’ll have more than ample opportunity for regular times “out and about” with friends.  But right now, I need to only do those things that will really recharge me, or in some way contribute to my emotional/spiritual/physical health.  So I have to evaluate things carefully and not expend energy in unhelpful, depleting ways.

Have you ever felt this way?

How do you (or how did you) balance these things and find ways to recharge during these busy, tired days of always-on mothering?

PLEASE share in the comments.  I want to hear from you!

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