First:
- If you are suffering under spiritual abuse,
- or have recently left a spiritually abusive situation,
I want to encourage you– not minimize or question what you experienced.
For the purposes of this article, spiritual abuse is defined (by Got Questions) as:
To “abuse” is to use something or someone to bad effect or for a bad purpose, especially regularly or repeatedly. Spiritual abuse happens when a spiritual authority, such as a cult leader or abusive pastor, seeks to control individuals and ensure obedience.
…Spiritual abuse can occur when church or cult leaders misuse Scripture to bolster their own authority and keep their members under their thumb. For example, a spiritual authority may use Hebrews 13:17 (“Have confidence in your leaders and submit to their authority”) to demand blind loyalty and unthinking obedience. …Our loyalty is due Christ, the Head of the church (Ephesians 1:22), not a particular organization, church, or leader.Cults and abusive churches pre-emptively insulate members from any information critical of the group. Members are taught early on to be skeptical of any negative report about the group…The more committed to the abusive church a person becomes, the more isolated he becomes from non-members, and the more he fears punishment if he tries to leave. Some people, after a lifetime of emotional investment in a religious group, simply do not know how they could survive if they left. They have no friends other than their fellow church members. They may have cut off contact with family members… Such is their fear of being ostracized that many stay put, keeping their misgivings to themselves.
…Peter warned us that “there will be false teachers among you” (2 Peter 2:1). As he described these false teachers, Peter points to their propensity to abuse their followers: “In their greed these teachers will exploit you with fabricated stories” (verse 3)…
A pastor is to be a shepherd. Shepherds who abuse the flock can expect severe punishment when the Lord returns (Luke 12:46–48). With privilege comes responsibility, and those spiritual wolves who abuse their authority will have to answer to God for the harm they have done.
full article: https://www.gotquestions.org/spiritual-abuse.html
So that’s a good starting place to understand what spiritual abuse is.
To the Jesus-follower drowning inside of a church setting:
While I may reference my story, I offer each “Life-Preserving Thought” to buoy you with help and hope.
Look for the road of faith. In our situation, my husband was convicted never to make a decision out of fear, worry, or stress. But the day that God opened his eyes to a path we could take in FAITH, we took our first step.
For us, faith sounded like:
- “God is able to fully provide GOOD for us, even away from this community we know.”
- “We believe God can work His will in this place.”
- “We can step away with our eyes fixed on God, rather than staying or going based on the wolves’ behavior.”
- “Jesus Christ is building and purifying His church, all around the globe, so we can trust that HE will give us a church family wherever He leads us.”
- “God can provide not only all that we need, but also all that our children need, wherever we go.”
Choose to walk in faith, rather than living in fear of wicked people or wicked behaviors.
This may not feel very “life preserving,” but I share it to help you keep walking, even when your path leads through great pain and loss. When you first walk away from an abusive wolf-“shepherd” and/or abusive church community, it risks nearly everything:
- Loss of friends & community
- Loss of the feeling of normal
- Loss of your reputation
- Loss of religious habits & traditions
- Loss of relationships with some people you thought were godly
- Loss of confidence in your own judgement
- Loss of certainty/clarity about convictions and ideas that you learned about while under abuse
- and possible even the loss of feeling like things are “OK” between you and the Lord
You may be tempted to:
- fear that all is lost
- believe that nothing will ever feel normal again
- turn back toward the abusive person/situation
Looking at the momentary circumstances can feel debilitating. But knowing in advance that the costs will feel painfully high, especially in the beginning, can help you keep walking.
Read about what pastors & elders are supposed to be like:
- 1 Timothy 3:1-7
- Titus 1:5-9
- 1 Peter 5:1-4
(I like this simple chart that combines the lists into one.)
full chart here: https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/justin-taylor/what-are-the-requirements-to-be-an-elder/
And read about what wolves, and bad shepherds, are like:
- Isaiah 56:10-11
- Ezekiel 34:1-10